Channel: Tim Humble
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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen
wa Salatu was Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah. Al Ameen.
Naveen Omar Mohammed in wireless early he also happy edge marine.
So we begin with the praise of Allah subhanho wa Taala by sending salutations upon His Messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and upon his family and his companions.
And I'd like to start by welcoming all of you to another
Friday night reflections.
And the topic today is entitled, mending broken hearts, marital discord, its causes and excuse.
So as I said, I want to try to keep these talks around the theme of the family. Sometimes dealing with little children, sometimes dealing with elders, sometimes dealing with married sometimes dealing with people who are unmarried, but always dealing with the family.
And one of the topics that came to my attention over the last few weeks, and indeed, for quite a long time is the topic of marital Discord. A
lot of people come a lot of people write emails to me with these kinds of issues. And so I just wanted to share with you my thoughts on this topic, some of the reasons why it happens, and some of the ways that we can cure it from happening. And I hope that this will be beneficial not only for the people who are married, but also for the people who are considering marriage as well as near to marriage, because they too will experience married life. And we all know married life has its ups and downs has its good days, and it's bad days. And so learning how to deal with these kinds of issues. Learning how to identify marital problems and how to fix them before they become something
much more serious than this is something I think is beneficial for everyone.
With regard to the young children who are here, I will do my very, very best to keep the talk appropriate in the sense that they may not be able to identify a lot of what with a lot of what we say, but we'll try and keep it clean inshallah as best as possible.
I will also try,
and I know this will not get me any, any friends, or it won't get me many friends at least but I will try my best not to generalize, as in not to lump all men in one box and all women in one box. However, for the purpose of this lecture, it is sometimes necessary to generalize a little bit. So sometimes it's necessary in order just to, to present it in a short time to present sort of to generalize a little bit about how most men are and how most women are, but right at the beginning, I'll apologize for it before I do it. And I'll also say that for every, like the Arab safe liquidity Akari the thing? Is this not for every rule, there is an exception. So yes, while we say most men
are like this, and most women are like this, we know that not all men are like that. And not all women are like that, but we're trying to deal with the majority for the purpose of the lecture. So inshallah you guys will forgive me if I generalize from time to time.
How are we going to break down this subject, because in my Friday night reminders,
I try my very best to have some structure and some sort of organization to the lecture, some sort of way that we can cover the points in a in a fairly structured way. So we're going to talk about two phases, or two
circumstances. The first is prevention and cure, in the majority of circumstances. So we're talking about most people 90% 95% of people who experience marital discord will fall into this category.
And that is the majority and those who are what I would term less severe.
And what I termed by less severe is divorce is not immediately on the cards.
And then the second phase we're going to talk about is marital discord when things have become extremely severe. And the couple are genuinely on the verge of divorce. And by genuinely I mean genuinely, I don't mean the guy screams, I'm going to divorce you and the woman screams I'm going to leave because that might happen to a lot of people in Sharla doesn't but it might happen to a lot of people. But what I mean is when things are genuinely severe and when really the marriage is on the way out, and we talk about Okay, in the intensive care unit, how can we revive this
Marriage when it really is at death's door. And that's kind of the second phase. But what we want to spend most time on is the first phase, which is the majority of people, which are the normal ups and downs that happen in every marriage and how we can sort of balance those out and stop the downs from being too low. And sort of keep the, you know, the peaks as the the majority of the time.
And I've divided this into two parts, things that you must know, and things that you must do. So knowledge that you have to have prior to taking action,
and actions that you can take.
Now, inshallah, I'm hoping that most of the people who are attending the talk today from those people who are married, are very happily married, and very contented in their marriage. And I'm sure that's the case. But still, this knowledge is of benefit to you, because I'm sure you know of people who aren't. And I'm sure people ask your advice when things are going bad, particularly the ladies, because the ladies tend to talk about these things among themselves. Maybe the brother will, you know, hold it within himself for a very long time. But often the ladies talk about these things, and we have an evidence that they talk about these things from the sun. Now before the ladies accuse me
of generalizing, we have an evidence from the Sunnah. inshallah, which we will come to that this is something that you know, ladies tend to talk about their husbands and some of the problems they have. So even if you are in a very happy marriage and a very stable marriage, it helps to also know how to advise people and how to help people who are going through a bit of a rocky time. So I divided this into things you have to know, and things you have to do. The knowledge comes first, as we know, that lm and now hula, either in the lower self elite, and know that there is no god worthy of worship, but Allah and seek forgiveness for your sins. So knowledge comes before you act, there
are certain things you have to know, before you take action. Now, all of these things that there are to know,
I'm not going to talk about a lot of them in detail, I'm going to basically give you a mention, or a summary of some of the most important parts, and basically indicate to you that this is something you need to learn in more detail and something you need to have a good working knowledge of, before you start taking actions to remedy the problem.
And most of our discussion is going to be towards practical prevention and cure. But once we're talking about prevention and cure, it will immediately become very obvious what the causes of the problem are, as well. So we won't forget about the causes of the problem. But I want to try and deal with this on the topic of prevention and cure. And then the causes of the problem will kind of rear their ugly heads throughout the conversation.
So we begin by talking about things that we have to know.
And a lot of these I think,
and I mean, if I'm talking about my experience, first of all, I'm married and I've been married for
any 1111 years, there are there abouts. And second of all, I've been a marriage counselor for probably seven. So in terms of people coming to me both when I was in the UK email advice, marriage advice, helping I sat on a on an Islamic judiciary board for a while dealing with divorces and things like this. So I have a lot of experience of people coming with marital issues. And I kind of summarize what I think are the most important things you need to know to prevent these marital problems from happening, and to take the initial steps to curing them.
The first one and I think this is an often neglected principle is the answer to the question. Where does love come from?
Where does love come from? And this is answered in the Quran, Allah azza wa jal said women iottie and Haleakala come in and forsake them as well gently tests cuando la wa Jalla. Vina kumada Tawana in a fee daddy Kayla is in the comida de facto Allah subhanaw taala set and from His Signs is that he created from yourselves spouses. The tests kuno la ha the tests cuando la ha is one of those beautiful linguistic
sort of points of eloquence in the Quran. A contains a verb and a preposition. But the preposition doesn't go with the verb. And the reason is to give two meanings at once. The first meaning the test cuando la ha that you live with them. You live together as husband and wife. And the second meaning of Lee test cuando la ha is that you find sukoon in them. You find Sakina peace and tranquility when you're along with them.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when he was approached by jabril alayhis salam in Hari Hara. He ran back to howdy God, Allah, Allah and he said, cover me cover me. The test guru, Allah, you find Sakina wisdom, you find peace with them, you find relaxation with him.
What gyla Bina kamoa de tamarama. And it is a law that put between you love and mercy. So this love that you have in your marriage, in your family environment, this love does not come from you. It comes from Allah azza wa jal. And I think this is one of the most often forgotten principles when it comes to the issue of marriage and marital problems, is you forget who it is that is in control, and you forget where it is that love comes from. And so all of these things have, I'm not attracted to my wife, I'm not attracted to my husband, I can't love them. I like all of these things can be answered by this ayah. Knowing that love comes from Allah, and one of the saddest things is that we
have been brought up in this Western concept of love. Or if you like, you can replace it with the Indian concept of love, you know, your indian films and your Indian movies. This is how people have been brought up to understand love. And this is a complete lie under complete fabrication doesn't exist. What they talk about is absolutely false from beginning to end, but because we've been brought up with it, and shown it and fed it, you know, 24 hours a day, from adolescence onwards, that you fall in love, and that this happens, and that you know, you meet your soul mate, and all of this junk and rubbish that they tell you. All of this is battle. All of it is falsehood. Rather Love
is something that Allah places in your heart, between you and between your spouse. And so obeying Allah, marrying for the sake of Allah, treating your wife or spouse, good for the sake of Allah are all reasons that our last panel to Allah will increase that love and will make that law firm. And if that love is not going the way that you want it to be going, then the answer is to seek it from Allah subhanho wa Taala. Because he is the one who puts that affection and that mercy between you. And if it's not there, then it's not there. because something is wrong between us under law, something between us and Allah is wrong. And we need to fix that thing between us and Allah in order
for our lots of put that love between us and our and our spouse. So I think this is one of the first points that I usually mentioned to people, one of the things people often forget. And usually when I do any car, I usually mentioned this idea and talk a little bit about this idea, as an advice to people getting married as well, that remember that the success of your marriage, and the relationship that you have is dependent upon the tofield. And the success that comes from Allah subhanaw taala. And if your relationship with Allah is bad, then don't expect your relationship in your marriage to be good.
The second thing that I think everybody needs to know, are the rights of the husband and the wife. And we have mentioned previously with regard to the hadith of sellman, allphotossee and aboda. For out he could leave the cooler the How can hacker give everyone who has a right over you there, right?
So the first one is talking about you and Allah, your relationship as a Muslim with Allah affects your relationship as a Muslim with your spouse. And the second point is that your treatment of other people
is critical to a successful and a happy marriage, the way that you treat other people. And that doesn't just mean the way that you treat your wife. The way that you treat your mother has a direct relationship, a direct effect on your marriage. If you don't give your mother her rights, then your mother is going to involve herself in your marriage because she's going to see your wife as being the reason why she's not getting her rights. And then she's going to make a problem for her and then your wife is going to make a problem for you. And then you have the mother in law from hell syndrome, which people mentioned. And the women complain my mother in law treats me like a slave. My
mother in law does this to me. My mother in law does that to me, will law he 99.9% of the time in my experience the fault is that the husband is not giving the mother her rights and the wife her rights. He's giving the mother's rights to
The wife, the wife writes to the mother and everything is all mixed up. And he's just doesn't know who is giving his rights to. And usually he's not giving anybody his wife says he doesn't give me my rights. He doesn't give me my space. He makes me like a slave to my to his mother. And his mother says he's always attention is with his wife. He doesn't think about me doesn't ask about me doesn't visit me. So what do we say to him? Hash fn was who? Akila? Are you selling me bad dates and cheating me on the wait? Are you doing two things wrong at once, you're not giving this one there, right? And you're not giving this one there. Right. So really knowing the rights of the husband and
the wife, knowing those things that the wife has a right to
knowing those things that the husband has a right to? This is absolutely essential. And this is my first port of call. When I talk to people about marital problems is I ask, okay, let's go through the rights of the husband and the rights of the wife. And let us look at where we are going wrong. Because for sure if there is marital discord, this is an indication that someone somewhere is not getting their hoc. They're not getting their rights. And you're a whiny I warn you and then I warn you again,
that when it comes to the rights of Allah, you can be fairly relaxed in sha Allah. Because Allah subhanaw taala is out Hamra has been the most Merciful of those who show mercy. And Allah will forgive all of those rights, except those people who make a partner with him. Don't worry about the forgiveness from Allah, but will lie he if you come on the day of judgment and you have oppressed your wife, or you have oppressed your husband, do you have a guarantee that they are going to forgive you, because if they don't forgive you, then voila, he realized that he will not overlook this sin that you do.
There are three types of three types of oppression, volume on layover, while volume on your truck, while volume on your faraway truck.
There are two three types of oppression and oppression that will never be forgiven. And this is making a partner with Allah, and an oppression that will never be overlooked. And this is the oppression that you do to other human beings, I ally xojo will not let it go. Either they forgive or either Allah Subhana Allah will give them their right from your good deeds or from their sense.
So you do not want to come on the Day of Judgment with good deeds like a mountain, but you oppress your wife, and you oppress your mum and you oppressed your kids and you oppress your co workers and you oppress your neighbors. And so your Salah gets given to your wife, and your song gets given to your neighbor and your Hajj gets given to your mother and you're left with nothing. But that's not the worst part about it. The worst part about it is there's still a queue of people that haven't taken their rights, and you have no good deeds left. So what happens? They take their sins and they start piling their own sins onto you. This person didn't give me my right. I have this sin Riba,
give it to them. I have this sin, being bad to my parents give it to them, and they start piling their sins onto you. So you have no good deeds, and you have everybody else's since this is the circumstance of the person who does not give the rights to other people. So you need to know what those rights are? How can you hope to give your wife her rights? If you don't know what your wife's rights in Islam are? How can you hope as a sister to give your husband his rights if you don't know what your husband's rights in Islam actually are, and most arguments in a marital discord that I find, can be solved very, very simply by going over the rights of the husband, and the rights of the
wife. And this isn't the time to go into those rights. We just don't have time to cover them all. But if you were to, for example, look on Islam QA, for example, rights of the husband rights of the wife, you'll find an article on there that is very detailed listing what the wife's rights are over the husband and the husband's rights over the wife and we'll cover one or two as we go. However, you really should be asking yourself, what rights does Islam give me? Or and what rights does Islam require of me?
And how do I stand in this regard? If you find that you are not alone, you are oppressed, and your wife is not giving you your rights but you are giving her all of hers, then I have some advice to you. If medela
praise Allah subhanho wa Taala because this is the best circumstance for a person to be in that they
are giving people their rights, whether the people give their rights or they don't give it whether the people are being good to you or not being good to you, but you're giving them their rights. That's what matters. Look at yourself first, don't look at the other person, look at yourself first.
Number three, that I think is extremely important for people to know, when dealing with marital discord, or the rules and regulations of marriage. What must you do? And what mustn't you do? And I'm going to give you a couple of examples. We don't have time to get into all of the halal and haram of marriage. But you need to know the things that you must do as a husband, and the things that you mustn't do as a husband. And you must know the things that you must do as a wife, and the things that you mustn't do as a wife.
And I feel sometimes hyah maybe negatively gets in the way here. And that's why the LMR when they mentioned about the Hadeeth, for Intel higher or higher on kulu, higher is completely good. They say that this refers to the beneficial higher. But if higher modesty is stopping you from asking a question about what you must do or mustn't do in marriage, then there is no hate in this type of hire. There is no hair in it at all, there is no good in it is not getting you near to Allah at all. And more than one of the scholars commented on this topic, there is no good in the hire that stops you from your YG. But I'm too shy to pray, I'm too shy, to make to our to Allah, there is no hair in
that there is no hair and there is no good in it in this higher. So you have to be careful that you don't allow your natural modesty as a Muslim, from stopping you learning what you have to do as a husband and what you have to do as a wife.
And how many times we do this with our children, you know, Subhan Allah, they get their education in these matters from everywhere, but Islam. Their friends at school, tell them the internet tells them YouTube tells them all the rest. The last thing they ever hear anything from in this regard is Islam. And so they do not learn what they must do, and what they mustn't do in marriage to give a couple of more generic examples, leaving your wife stranded without living with her and without divorcing her. So leaving your wife in such a situation, that you neither treat her as a wife, nor do you let her go like Allah azza wa jal mentioned. While while I tuned SQL one now there are only
two do not hold on to your wife, ie refuse to divorce her they are on just to cause her harm.
And this is from the methodology of whom whose methodology is this. This is well known as the methodology of the hood.
that a woman from the hood she can't seek a hula, she can't seek a divorce without a written some sort of written paper from her husband. And so what they do, they hold on to her, he has no intention of her being his wife. He doesn't want to keep her as a wife, he doesn't want to spend on her as a wife, he doesn't want to treat her as a wife. But what does he do? He holds on to her, the Iran Lita attitude, in order to harm her just to make life really hard for her. He just holds on and says, I'm not going to let you go and I'm not going to treat you well. I'm just going to leave you to suffer. This is prohibited in Islam. So this is an example of the things you mustn't do.
As a as an example, from an example of the things that you must do is fairness among co wives, that if a man has more than one wife, he has to treat them fairly in time. And then spending, this is something you must do. So we have to learn the things, the rules and regulations of marriage, the things that we must do, and the things that we mustn't do.
From the rules and regulations of marriage that we need to be aware of, or what you can do when things go wrong.
What can you do when things go wrong? when things start to go downhill? What options are on the table? There are some things you're not allowed to do. There are some things that you are encouraged to do. There are some things that are disliked for you to do. So yet again, you need to be aware of those things that you can do when things go wrong.
What are your options? What are what is available to you as a remedy for this problem? So this is again, something that we don't have time to go into the details of, but we can at least just instruct people, that if you're going through some issues or you know someone who is then they need to know the Islamic remedy
teas that are available to them. What is available to this individual? What options do they have, as an example, what Allah subhanho wa Taala mentioned
in the Quran
we're lucky to have una new shoes on 30 ruhuna Judo rohana, Fillmore Jerry wobbly bohan
that those people who you fear, or those ladies who you fear arrogance from, then advise them. This is one option, you have to advise them
and abandon them in their bed. We'll talk about these remedies later on, and hit them. And we'll talk about what this means later on. But the point is here, you need to know what the remedies are that are available to you. What is what are my options? What can I do? What can't I do? This is all before you do anything. At this point, you haven't taken any action at all, the only thing you have done is to educate yourself as to what you are allowed to do, and what you are not allowed to do.
And I think this also includes the rules and regulations of divorce and cola.
And people say well, should I really be reading up about divorce? You know, isn't that a bit pessimistic? say to them? No. This is part of knowing what you are allowed and what you're not allowed to do. There are some kinds of divorce that people get themselves involved in that ruin their life will lie how many people I have had come to me and say, I divorced my wife three times I was angry. I didn't know what I was saying. I wrote to her I did this one brother got in a text argument with his wife. He's texting I got argue. So he sent a three text messages. I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you in each text message. Then he comes and says, Well, I was just angry. My
mind I saw read, what should I do. And now you have to clean up a huge mess. There's a huge mess now. Now we're talking about people saying you're not married talaga and you have to leave her for good or you don't have to leave her for good. There are huge problems. So why don't you just learn about these things before the circumstance comes when you may one day be inclined to use them. So before you get to the point where you feel that may be I need to be divorcing or I need to seek a hold up from the ladies side.
Learn what you are allowed and aren't allowed to do with regard to divorce. There are certain kinds of divorce that is known as Paula Cohen with a an innovative divorce, such as innovating or divorcing a lady at a time of her monthly cycle, such as divorcing a lady during a time in which the couple have been intimate, such as
such as saying to the woman I divorce you I divorce you I divorce you all of this is from Pelican Bay, an innovative divorce that is harm upon the upon the man to do.
But why get yourself in that circumstance? Why put yourself in a situation where you ruin your marriage and so many times? What do we do? A guy comes he says I get angry I divorced my wife three times I have a little girl, baby girl two years old? Or shall I do? What do you want me to say to you now? And how can I fix a problem that you've made with your own hands. So we advise the brothers and the sisters learn the rules and regulations of divorce. Not because you want to divorce your
wife or your husband. But because by learning these rules, it's actually much less likely that you will divorce because you will learn what to do and what not to do. And divorce has lots of safeguards in Islam, lots of processes. I don't think it's easy for a man to divorce his wife in less maybe then in less than a year.
Very, very difficult to do so in less than a year. Because by the time he divorces her and waits for her ADA, then he takes her back. Then he lives with her then he divorces her then he takes her back then he lives with her then he divorces and so on and so forth. This takes time. And this is not something that it happens in a couple of weeks.
There are safeguards in place that stopped divorce from getting becoming a runaway train. But if you don't know what those safeguards are, then you won't be able to protect yourself from putting yourself in a situation where things go horribly wrong. And usually it's left to other people to clean up the mess. From the things that I think it is essential for people to know when talking about marital discord or the differences between men and women.
And I don't mean the differences between men and women, I'm not talking about the difference between men and women in a prayer or the difference between men and women in the covering or the hour, I'm talking about the differences between men and women, in their character, and in their emotional behavior. This is very, very important. And again, most of the people who come to me with marital issues, do not understand how the opposite gender is approaching the issue. They don't understand how their wife is feeling how their wife is, what their wife what they can't understand. It's like, Look, I pay everything for her. I buy her everything. I you know, I give her a house food. She has
everything she wants, whenever she asks for something, I give it to her.
And he's failed to understand that all his wife wants from him is a kind word.
But because he thinks like a man would think.
And he thinks, well, I give her everything she wants, what's the problem? Why is she complaining for and he's failed to think of things as a woman would think I is failed to bear in mind that Allah hasn't created his wife like He created him.
She has different desires, different needs different feelings. And this is often a reason why people
fall short. So I just mentioned a few things. And I mean, this is not true of every woman or every man. But I'll mention some things to get you thinking about what I mean. So let's ask ourselves the question, this is a question very important for the brothers, what makes women happy?
And what makes your wife happy?
And then ask the same question the other way around, what makes your husband happy. And you will find that the two the top 10 are very different, or the top five issues are very different. And I'm just going to mention from my experience of marriage counseling, and I'm not saying this is true for everybody.
Perhaps at the number one list that women say or complain about their husbands about or ask for their husbands failed to recognize his attention, listening to them, complimenting them and spending time with them, generally giving them attention. And this is the classic argument. The guy comes and says well, like Tim I don't know what's wrong with her. I pay for her. I give her jewelry, clothes, everything Why? And I don't know why she complains all the time. And when it comes down to it, she doesn't want jewelry and she doesn't want cloth. She wants you to spend a little bit of time with her. To give her a little bit of attention. Do we have an evidence for this from the sooner it's
narrated that Ottawa the Aloha that Ottawa Rahim Allah to Allah said, I shall the Allahu anhu said, By Allah I saw the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam standing at the door of my apartment, when the other Syrians were playing with their spears, in the masjid of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he covered me with his cloak, so I could watch their games. Then he stood there for my sake until I was the one who had had enough. So you should appreciate the fact that young girls like to have fun. I showed the love Anna made the prophets I seldom stand and cover her. So she could watch. After a while I she didn't want to watch anymore. What do you think she
did? She still made him stand. Why she wanted to see how much he loves her. She wanted to see that is he willing to stand up she said until I saw him rocking from foot to foot. You know, his feet have become swollen. He's tired. He's standing there the whole time. And he doesn't want to watch any more. But she wants to see the attention he's going to give her
and he's rocking from foot to foot. And he's you know, he's tired. But he keeps on standing there. And I should just wants to see the attention that he's going to give her. I just want to see, you know, is he willing to stand there for me? is he willing to go that extra yard for me is he willing to show me that attention and that love and that consideration, that he's willing to put himself out a little bit to see me happy. This is from the sooner
and from this is that I shall be alone and has said that when the Prophet sly seldom used to pray. Sitting down he would recite the Quran. And then when there were 30 or 40 hours left, he would stand up and recite them standing up. Then he did Riku and salute. And he did the same in the second Raka. When he had finished his prayer, he would look and if I was awake, he would sit and talk with me. And if I was asleep he would lie down. So again, the prophets Isom is tired. He's prayed the prayer, the late prayer
He's tired. He wants to sleep. But what does he do first look to see if his wife is awake. And if she's awake, he sits down to spend some time with her. Give her some attention, chat with her speak with her. And many brothers don't understand this because often they don't really want the same from their wife, necessarily. Maybe they want something different. But from the wife's point of view, she wants to see the husband go out a little bit, you know, make a little bit of effort, maybe suffer a little bit for her sake, show a little bit of attention, pay her some compliments, spend a little time with her. Even when he's tired. He sits up and talks to her for five minutes. This makes a big
difference to what a lot of the women who are complaining about marital problems are seeing.
The second thing that I hear the most after attention is recognition. words of thanks, which can be summarized
by an ayah in the Quran,
in which Allah subhanahu wa tada
says, Why she ruhuna build my roof and live together with them in the best possible way.
Thanks words of kindness. She works really hard. She cooks she cleans, she makes sure the kids are okay. And all she wants to hear from her husband is a few words of recognition. She doesn't even want him to take care of the job. She doesn't want him to cook. She doesn't want him to clean. Probably if you clean she would just go and clean it again after him. She doesn't want him to do that. What does she want from him? She wants him to recognize her effort and say Jazakallah Hira look at all the things you've done, may Allah reward you, and so on and so forth. Number three that comes on the list, again, from my experience is support, particularly emotional support, but also
support around the house as well. And again, we have an evidence for this from the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam an S word, Rahim Allah to Allah as I shall have the alarm on her. What did the prophets I seldom used to do in his house, she replied, he used to keep himself busy serving his family,
helping out his family supporting his family. And when it was the time for prayer, he would go for it. That was how the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam used to be. So support emotional support, you know, just a little bit of a helping hand. You know, when you see that she's really struggling and all the kids are screaming, and you know, she's had a stressful day, take a couple of the kids and take them out, take a little bit of time out a bit of emotional support a bit of just being there and helping as the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to do the fourth on the list that I have, from my experience of what women complain about their husbands the most, that the husband
doesn't recognize his leadership.
A lot of sisters and this, you know, feminism has ruined this, but a lot of sisters who are upon the fitrah, they want their husbands to show some leadership. Leadership does not mean stick in hand.
I'm going to tell you what to do. And it's my way or the highway, but real leadership, making a decision.
And taking the burden of that decision away from her. not putting all the stress of the house on her. But taking the burden of that decision off her shoulders and taking it onto yours. And like any good leader, you have to keep the people in your responsibility happy.
This is the success of leadership. Leadership is not about beating people to do what you want them to do. Leadership is about making people feel like they're a stakeholder in the decision and making them feel like the decisions are being made in their interest. But a lot of sisters surprisingly saw don't want to be the ones that wear the trousers in the household, so to speak. They don't want to be the ones who make all the decisions. They want a man who's going to make some decisions for them. But who's going to do so in a gentle Anna, Anna, a way that appreciates their involvement, the prophets I seldom used to consult his wives and that he would make the decision. And there's a
difference between two extremes. One is a man who lets his wife run his household. And the other is a man who doesn't involve his wife in anything. And the sooner is, Allah says, You are the decision maker. Brothers, you are the one who is in charge of the household. But at the same time, you there is no successful leader that ignores the people in their responsibility. Rather you consult them. You seek their advice, you involve them, you get them
To give you decisions, and then even make some of the decisions, and you maintain that control and that leadership and that authority.
And if you want more information on what makes women happy, and we don't have the time for it now, I highly recommend you look at the Hadith of the 11 women and their husbands,
the Hadith of the 11 women and their husbands, if you simply just type into Google the hadith of 11 women.
It's a hadith in which 11 women sit and discuss the problems with their husbands and the good things about their husbands. And you can learn a lot about lot from it, you can learn a lot about what makes women happy. And what makes women upset. Why do I say this? Why am I focused on this? Because the fact that many brothers I see who are having marital problems don't understand Aslan, in the in the first instance, they don't understand what the problem is. They're looking at it from a man's perspective, well, all I would want is x y Zed. And they presume because they give their wife what they would want, that their wife was happy. And this is a problem. But this can also be reversed. So
if I go to the other side, and I talk about the things that men complain about the most, that are asked for the most, then the first at the top of the list is honor and respect.
And that is including maintaining that the honor of the household in their absence, and having a feeling of control.
And this is something that naturally men, in men love to have in the household. It's not that they to be a control freak, but to have a feeling of having a feeling of being honored in your presence and in your absence. And we know the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam mentioned that I would not command anyone to make sujood to anyone else. But if I were to do so I would command a woman to make sagitta to her husband. I will not command anyone to bow to anyone else. But if I were to do so, it would be a woman to bow to her husband. So every man wants to feel that honor. Every man wants to feel it in his absence as well. He wants to feel even if it's just a phone call to the sister lifts
the phone and says My friends are coming round. Is that okay?
She knows her husband's gonna say yes. But the husband How does he feel? How do you feel when your wife does that you feel great. You feel Subhana Allah look at how much she respects me that even though she knows I don't have a problem, she still phoned me up to ask me if it's okay, at shows that, you know, some highlights shows that really, she has that feeling for me. Men, you know, don't you know they don't express or they don't want love expressed to them with teddy bears and chocolates.
What do they want, they want to know that they have a feeling of respect. And that's how they see love. So many men see love. I know my wife loves me when she shows me respect, when she shows me on that even in my absence when I'm not there. And that's why from the rights of the husband over the wife is that she doesn't enter anyone into the house without his permission. And she doesn't allow anyone to sit upon his bed except those who he is pleased with.
And this is part of what many men complain about, and many problems, marital problems that happen, of course, physical issues. intimacy and such is also a very high on the men's list. And this is the reality.
And we shouldn't I mean, at the end of the day, our lives are gel created you as he did on marriage is that in order to suppress the negative and accentuate the positive. And so this is a big complaint. And again, many ladies perhaps don't understand this, because Alize, which I did not create them the same way with the same kind of needs and the same kind of desire, and so forth. Many times they don't understand. They see I clean his house and I look after his kids and I, you know, do everything. Why is he complaining about this small thing. And yet for the guy, it's a huge thing. And he's thinking of divorcing the sister, yet. She's a perfect wife and everything. But this. So
this is also something that Islam speaks about. And it's also from the rights of the husband, over the wife, in fact, from the major sins in Islam is for a wife wife to refuse her husband's advances.
Being able to leave the wife in charge of the house is also high upon the brothers list, knowing that the house is being taken care of. Now, that's not to say that all women should be locked in the house and never leave. But knowing that the house is being taken care of that the kids are well kept. They're always kept clean. They're well dressed, they're always well fed, that everything is just running in his absence that he
comes home from work opens the door, the house is clean, the kids are looking presentable, and everything is calm. What man doesn't want this, every man wants this, you know, you've had a stressful day at work, you come home, you open the door, and everything is just in order. And of course, that's not always possible. And we're going to talk about this in a moment. But as an ideal, this is what many men complain about. Many women say what you want, you know, the lady, the girl is pretty, she's she beautifies herself or a husband, I just want to come home and have peace. How many men say this, this is a big problem I have, they come to the marriage counseling sessions, all I
want to do is come home and have peace. So this is also something to consider.
of course, men are more influenced by beauty. But beauty is not just physical beauty. And a lot of ladies don't realize this as well. But beauty is also character. Because how many people have you seen, you know, good looking people, people who are lies, given beauty, but when they open their mouth, it goes away. Because you just the person's personality, the person's character makes a big difference to how you see a person. So it's not just beauty physically, although it's also about you know, sometimes the ladies don't keep themselves
well adorned for their husband. Sometimes the saddest thing I see big, big cause of marital discord is that the lady dresses up to go out, and she doesn't dress up to stay in. And this is completely opposite to the fitrah. In the fitrah, you should dress down to go out and dress up to stay in men and women, men and women, and the men are not free of this problem either. But big problem, the brother comes I've got problems with my wife, we're thinking of divorce, what's the matter? When she goes out, she's dolled up when she comes in.
And she lets herself go. And Islam gives a great deal of attention to this and from this is that a man is required to send a message to his wife when he's returning from a journey, so that he doesn't come home and find his wife in a state where she's not ready to welcome him home, where she's maybe not got herself dressed, she's not got herself, you know, sort of whatever it is, you know, I don't, and so on and so forth. So it's recommended. Or it's required that when a man is returning from a long journey, he sends a message to his wife, that I'm going to be home tonight, or I'm going to be home tomorrow so that she can prepare herself. And likewise the opposite.
And of course, at the top or among the top five of the complaints that brothers have about their wives, issues of children, issues to do with not being able to have children, there's no doubt that this is something in the hands of Allah. And you can't blame a lady for this. But there's no doubt also that it's on men's list. Men want to have children. This has been something allies put a fedora in men for you know, as long as allies or jealous created them that they wanted. alamelu will burn money and a legacy children. So at the end of the day children are also sometimes the cause of marital Discord.
In all of this, there is something that you must know. And that is the beauty of higher the beauty of shyness and modesty and shyness and modesty is not a characteristic of a lady. It's a characteristic of a man and a woman both are required to have shyness and modesty with each other with other people and shyness and modesty is also something that is a major characteristic that can fix these problems.
And just to clarify how these different behaviors can influence a marriage, that I think we have to go to Hadith which is narrated by Al Bukhari and Muslim that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Take my advice with regard to women,
act kindly towards them, for they were created from a rib. And the most crooked part of a rib is the uppermost part. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. And if you leave it alone, it will remain crooked, so act kindly towards women. And it's highly reasonable Hardy and Muslim. And it's a beautiful Hadith, about understanding the differences between men and women, and the difference ways of approaching them and the different behaviors that we know that the women were created from the rib. And as you know, a rib is not straight. A rib has a bent part at the top. And some of the scholars say the bent part is the tongue. Meaning that the lady might say about her husband's
something that feels really hurts his heart. You know, she might say, you've never done anything for me or I wish I'd never married you
Or something like this, but she doesn't mean it. It's a just a crookedness a little bend. If you try to straighten it, what will happen? You take a rib, you take the bent part, you take the straight part and you bend, bend, bend, what will happen? Snap? Divorce, you cannot change that character in her. So what do you do? You treat her kindly, and you treat her gently and you overlook these little things that happen, and you don't try to straighten something that can't be straightened. This is not Hadith is not critical of ladies, this hadith is about recognizing that men and women are different. And if you try to behave like a man, like you would, if you had, I don't know like
something else, you know, you bent, a stick or you bend something, you know, you just kind of come with two hands and bend it back until it goes straight.
It won't work with your wife, you have to bear in mind that men and ladies are different. And they need different things. They want different things. And indeed, the way you treat them has to be different. If you treat them the same as you would anything else than this is a recipe for divorce.
A couple of things I want to point out before we go into things to do, which will keep nice and short in Sharla how the Prophet used to be with his wives and how his wives used to be with him. I mentioned this as a separate point. But we've already heard we've heard some examples of the Prophet size enum with I showed all the allow and how I showed with the Prophet slice lm, you heard the example when one of the wives of the Prophet radi Allahu on her she sent some food and she was a very good cook. So you imagine she's a very good cook, and she sends food to Ayesha's house. While the prophets lie Selim is staying there. So this is recipe for disaster. Because Ayesha is not as
good of a cook as she is. And she sends a beautiful plate of food. So I she gets upset. And she takes the plate, she slaps it out of the hand of the person who brings the plate, and the plate falls onto the floor, and it breaks into. So the prophets I seldom scoops up the food in the plate, puts it together, serves it to his companions and saves the heart on milk, or at work. Your mom has been jealous, your mom has been jealous. And he just word of nice, it's a little rebuke, but it's not that he came down on her like this. And he took his hand and beat her. And he picked up the plate and whacked over the head with it. Not like this, he picked up the plate. And he said, Your
mother is jealous or your mother was a little jealous, your mother was a little jealous. And then he made I shall give her plate back to the wife who sent the food or the alarm and hoonah edge Mary, may Allah be pleased with all of them. So she had to give up her whole plate and take the broken one. So panela but you see the kind of behavior, the kind of relationship, the kind of forgiveness, the kind of gentleness, you need to know how the prophets lie Selim used to behave towards his wives and how they used to behave towards him. Because you will not find a better example of a woman than then and you will not find a better example of a husband than him. Salatu law he was Allahu Allah.
And likewise, for tomorrow, the alarm on her and so on and so forth.
You need to be aware of the major sins that husband and wife can fall into, as we have mentioned some of them already. And you need and my final thing on things to know my number seven on things to know, recognize the value of what you have. So many people don't recognize the value of what they have until it's gone. So they're in a rocky marriage, they're thinking of divorce, and then they divorce and then they realize that they made a big mistake. And actually they had something that was worth keeping. And from this is what is what Allah Muslim narrated, in his say, with the wording from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam at dunya Metatron. While hieromartyr A dunya, and
Morocco sila. He said, This world is a temporary pleasure. And the best of the temporary prayer pleasures of this world is a pious wife.
So don't give up. Don't be so quick to give up something or to criticize something and when you don't know the value of what you have. Maybe she's not the most beautiful woman in the world. But then again, any Who is this is something like finding the most knowledgeable person in the world. It doesn't exist. Every time you find one, you find someone who is more knowledgeable than them. It's something that is within the knowledge of allies or gel alone.
But if she's pious and if she's good, then don't rush to give her up. Because the best of the temporary enjoyment of the dunya is a pious
As the prophets lie Selim said, in Sahih, Muslim
things to do. So I've got 11 things that I want to mention to you to do, but I'll go through them quickly because we've covered a lot of it in the earlier part. First of all, learn to forgive and overlook.
This is my first tip to people who are suffering marital problems. Usually what comes in, is the brother comes in, and his wife comes in, and they bring something with them. 30 years of baggage
that they put down on the sofa next to them when they come to talk about their marital problems. He did this to me. 20 years ago, she did this to me. 19 years ago, he did this to me. And in my experience, the sisters are worse. The brothers are bad, but the brothers don't have the memory.
And the brother forgot. Voila, she tracked me back for 20 years. Tell me one thing she did.
What like she tracked me by for 20 years. Tell me one thing she did
in Sharla, but she you know, like this, as for the woman on the fifth of January, at 12 01 pm. He did this a 12 or 2pm. He did this at 1:30pm. Like a diary, everything? Yeah, one this will never build a successful marriage, learn to let it go. What did Allah azzawajal say, and forgive and overlook? Do you not want Allah to forgive you, if you want Allah to forgive you learn to overlook what other people do learn to get over it, learn to let things go. But on the other hand, learn to work for that forgiveness. Because sometimes the brother has maybe had a wandering eye, you know, he's been a little bit, you know, he's, I have started to wonder, and his wife says, I want to
forgive him. And I want to work on the marriage. But the problem is, he still can't help himself.
And this is muscular, you can't say to this lady, forgive and overlook. If you want someone to forgive and overlook your problems, you have to work for it as well. You have to show that you want that forgiveness, and you want that person to overlook for you. So that has to work from both sides. Point number two, learn to give up some of your rights.
Because one law, he will lie. If you demand from your wife, every single one of your rights, I don't even give your marriage six months, Max will love Ireland six months Max, if you demand every single one of your rights 12345.
If she remains with you, then I don't know she's very patient.
And likewise, the other way around, people make mistakes, learn to let some of your rights go, yes, I know I have the right for this lady to serve me to look after me. But I also know that I wanted to look after my kids. And I know sometimes the kids are going to be making a busy, and maybe she won't have my food ready on time. Or maybe the house won't be clean. But you know what it is, I'm going to let that go. Even though it's my right to demand. Why? Because I recognize that she's a human being not a robot. And so I'm gonna learn to let it go.
And likewise, the wife also needs to learn to lead away some of her rights give up one or two. And this is negotiation, right? Learn to give up one or two things in order to get what you want. Sometimes you have to compromise on a couple of things. So learn just to be willing to, to let some of those rights go through the net from time to time, like the heartbeat of the bank rib. If you try to straighten everything, you're going to end up divorcing her. So let the rights go. Learn to give up some of your rights from time to time they your rights, you can give them up. You don't have to hold her to account for every last thing and she doesn't have to hold you to account for every last
thing. The third point avoid suspicion, or you who believe avoid much suspicion in about avani is indeed much of suspicion or some of suspicion is sin. avoid suspicion. Yeah.
You know, this is one of the worst things it ruins a marriage quicker than almost anything else.
The wife sneaks to the computer flicking through the emails. Eventually she's going to find an email of a woman. It's not going to be something haram but she's going to find like some woman wrote a sales email or something or some woman wrote to ask about something. One, if you look hard enough, in any one, you'll find a fault. If you take a magnifying glass and you start looking for faults, you're going to find them to be suspicious of people who issue why see what happened. What's this, and people become suspicious so avoid suspicion. Number four, and this is one of my favorites and the one that I emphasize the most keep arguments between husband and wife.
Do not, underline do not involve the inlaws do not involve your parents do not involve your children do not involve your siblings do not involve her siblings or anyone else. This is how marital discord should be, you might feel like you are on the most rocky ship in the middle of an ocean storm. But everyone else should think it's plain sailing. Your kids should think your marriage is perfect. Your parents should think your marriage is perfect. Your sibling should think your marriage is perfect. Even if you're about to divorce her. Nobody should know except you and her. And that is why some of the scholars when they said we're gonna abandon them in the bed, they said it means to turn your
back on your wife in bed, and not for you to go and sleep on the couch downstairs. Because if you sleep on the couch downstairs, the children know about it. The neighbors know about it, the people at work know about it, and suddenly it becomes a big thing. Why do we say this? Because guess what husband and wife genuinely love each other. They're willing to forget about things, bury the hatchet, so on and so forth. But I tell you one thing, your mother isn't going to bury the hatchet. She's gonna remind that poor miskeen woman about it every single day, you made him do this, you made him sleep on the couch. You did this to him. You did this to him, even though you forgiven her, and
she's forgiven you. But guess what you involve the in laws, and then call us.
They weren't willing to let it go. And so they end up breaking your marriage for you instead of you.
Learn to control your tongue.
The strong man is not the one who wrestles. But the strong man is the one who controls himself when he is angry. Learn to control your tongue. padlock is not a word that you should be using ever, unless it is in the context of an Islamic lecture, or something like this. Do not get in the habit of every time you get angry. I hate you, I'm going to divorce you I wish I never married you. When you ruin your relationship like this, control your tongue. Learn to control what you say, is there anything that causes the people to be dragged on their faces into the Hellfire except the harvest of what their tongues have earned.
Your tongue is what causes you to be dragged into the Hellfire, control it
learn to take the heat out of an argument. This is the skill if you can master it, it will save 50 to 60% of the marriage problems people have, learn how to take the heat out of an argument when things are boiling up. And everyone's that, you know boiling point, learn how to take the heat out of the argument. Maybe this is by doing what Ali rhodiola did, and leaving the house. Just go take a walk, maybe it is Bye. Come on, let's go to the shops. And you know, we'll just go buy something, we'll go eat out or buy, you know, whatever it is that you have to do to take the heat out of the argument. When things are boiling up, learn the best way to take the heat out. It's not always to
walk out of the room, sometimes walking out of the room, it makes it worse. Sometimes it makes it better depends on the circumstances, but learn the skill of taking the heat out of the ultimate. So maybe it's just by saying, Look, I'm sorry, you're right. Doesn't matter if she's right or not. The Prophet size then promised the house in the middle of paradise for the one who gives up arguing even when they are right. I'm sorry, you're right.
And just learn to take the heat out of it. He or she might still shower you for 10 minutes. Get out of a system problem. You're completely right. I'm sorry.
She will not be able to argue with you for more than five or 10 minutes after that after you said you're sorry, and you've eaten your humble pie. And is she not going to stay angry with you forever give her 1015 minutes she'll also Calm down, learn the skill of taking the heat out of the conversation or out of the argument.
We've said don't pull your spouse up on every little thing. Number eight, make your efforts with each other for the sake of Allah not for the sake of recognition. So many people only are good to their wives or their husbands when they get recognition. When they don't get recognition. Why should I be good to him, he still hasn't thanked me for it. He's wrong and not thanking you. He's wrong in that. But you're also wrong in making the reason that you do good deeds, simply to get recognition from the husband. Land resume income jazza and washoku IRA. We don't want any reward from you. We don't want any thanks
Lua chilla, I want a lot to be happy with me. I look after my husband's house for a lot to be happy with me, I treat my wife well for a lot to be happy with me. Not that I do it so that my wife says to me, you're a good husband so that my husband says to me, you're a good wife. This is a big problem because sometimes the husband is is at fault. Sometimes the wife is at fault, sometimes really, there are you know, they've got some serious character flaws. If you're waiting for them to thank you, it may never happen. But if you're doing it for the sake of Allah, then you will find contentment in serving Allah, even if you don't get contentment from your spouse.
And from this is what some of the pious predecessors used to say, that marry your daughter to a pious man, for if he loves her, he will treat her well. And if he hates her, he will want to
treat her well.
Because he scared of Allah.
If he loves her, he will treat her well. And if he dislikes her, he will also treat her well. Because he's his aim is what is with Allah and not what is between the spouses, and from this is that your spouse in paradise will be perfect, your wife will be more beautiful than the whole aim than the beautiful women of paradise.
To the sisters, your husband will be more handsome than any of the men of Paradise you will have only eyes for him.
So if you have to suffer some of his character flaws in this life, then you have to suffer a few of them for the sake of Allah. And what did the prophets lie Selim say with regard to the husbands about their wives, if he dislikes one characteristic from her, for sure, he likes another. So learn to be patient over people's character flaws, and aim for what is with Allah.
Number nine, despite the above point, show recognition and encouragement, show recognition even though like we said, you shouldn't work for recognition. But if your wife does something good for you show her that recognition. If your husband does something good, show him that recognition and leave culture and this is my 10th point. Leave culture. What did Eliza gel tell us in the Quran? When I can only move meaning, while a minute in either called Allahu Allah Zulu mo akuna la homonuclear. Ottoman Emery him. Why may I say la hora Sula, hufa dolla, dolla,
dolla, balandin Medina, it's not for a believing man or a believing woman, if a lion is messenger decree a matter that they should have any say in it. You don't have a choice. I don't care about your culture, and your parents culture and your grandparents culture or anybody else. If it goes against Islam, you do not have a choice. Allah azzawajal said, it is not your hero. It is not your choice. When the Quran says do this, you don't have the option to say no. When the prophets lie, Selim says, do this, you don't have the option to say no. So let's do yourself a favor. If you want to save your marriage, take your culture, put it in a bag and throw it down the garbage chute.
Because most of it goes against Islam, in terms of the way that husband and wife are supposed to be treated, because culturally, this is what we do. Culturally, we treat our wives as slaves.
Culturally, we treat our wives as slaves.
Your culture is not an excuse. If Allah has told you not to do it, you don't have a choice. If the prophets lie, Selim told you not to do it, you do not have a choice. So culture is only allowed when it's compatible with Islam, when it's not compatible with Islam. Culture goes out the window.
And my final point on the topic of things to do, make an effort and look at your own faults before the faults of others
really sit there and think, not what they do wrong. But what do I do wrong? What could I do better, make an effort and consider your own faults to be more important. And the final part that I just wanted to talk about for just two, three minutes, when things go really bad. All of this discussion was how to deal with things when things are workable, you know when the marriage is solvable, but what do you do when the marriage is in the ICU intensive care? And that's it you are like five days away from divorce, and everything is falling apart.
In this case, I have a few simple points. Number one, remember where love comes from, and seek that love from the one who gives it. Start making dua to Allah to put the love back in your marriage and save your marriage. Because if your marriage is beyond saving, by any human being, then for sure Allah subhanaw taala is at
To save your marriage, so seek love from the one who puts love between husband and wife. Number two, and people might be surprised that I say this, decide what you really want. We aren't Catholic. What do I mean by we aren't Catholic? In Catholicism divorce is a major sin
from the major or the worst of the major since we're not Catholic Alhamdulillah divorce is not a major sin. really sit down and think if the marriage is really on the rocks and things are really bad, and we harming each other ruining our Acura, do we really want this marriage to continue? Should we not just say look amicably and kindly and islamically Let's just throw in the towel, separate husband and wife and get on with our lives. You may be surprised to hear me say this, but will law he sometimes when things are really bad, it is kinda, and we in our Muslim cultures, unfortunately, we have taken marriage to be like Catholicism,
I would rather commit schilke than get divorced. That is how people see divorce these days. And while it's not true, divorce is something that is permissible for you should the situation warranted. And if you're both just ruining each other's Acura and gaining loads of bad deeds, and nothing is solvable, and the situation has gone beyond the point of no return, then think about a friendly and amicable divorce rather than destroying each other in this dunya and akhira.
Find out what the problem really is presuming you want to save the marriage, find out what the problem really is not what every argument is about every argument you can say he didn't put the bins out she didn't cook my food. My Rice was cold. He didn't do this for me, he doesn't pay the bills. This is not the point. This is not why the marriage is about to fail. Lots of people have these problems and their marriage is not about to fail. Find the real reason the marriage is failing, get to the root of the problem. Because you can't solve a problem until you recognize what the problem really is. Number four, get your priorities straight. Really whether or not he put the bins out in
the morning is not the most significant problem in your marriage. So get your priorities straight. whether or not she put too much salt in the curry is not a major issue. Get priority straight deal with important things before you deal with minor things. Number five, and again, this might surprise people don't make the marriage about kids don't stay together for the sake of the kids.
I don't see any evidence for doing this in Islam, and the companions did not use to do it. I don't see any evidence why you should ruin the kids lives and your lives. And you are here for the sake of this concept, which is completely Western has nothing to do with Islam. We're just together for the kids. I dislike this.
Set yourself a period of time. Don't leave an unfunded commitment. If things are really bad, and they are on the fringe of divorce. Do not leave an unopened and an unlimited commitment. Set yourself a period of time we're going to look at things again in one month, we're going to look at things again in three months, we're going to look at things again in six months, because it gives you both something to work towards. And it gives you both a feeling that there is a solution to it in the end.
When you do leave yourself on an open commitment. Basically, I've seen ladies at the point of almost suicide because there's no hope there's no way out. There's no exit strategy. rather say look, we're going to give it three months, see how things go. At the end of the three months we'll sit down together with the marriage counselor or whatever. We'll figure things out if it's not going well. We go back to the question look, is it really worth it or not? Give yourself a timeframe.
And finally, look at some of the more serious recommendations that are given in the Quran. Like Ferber through hackerman min. Allah He will hackerman Minelli her send a negotiator from his side and a negotiator from her side. And this is when things become really bad. Because now you're involving other people, things that become to the point of divorce. The last thing you do before you divorce consider having instead of having the husband and wife discuss with one another, have the husband appoint someone and the wife appoint someone and these are the more serious things when things are really bad. This advice is specific only to when things are really really, really bad as
in on the point of divorce. Otherwise, I don't say to someone who comes in and says, we know we're having a rocky patch. Okay, you should just divorce. No. But when things are really really bad. People need to sit down and ask themselves is this marriage getting me nearer to Allah or not? Those are some of my experiences with regard to marital Discord.
And how to fix the problems. For what it's worse from many hundreds, perhaps even 1000s, of cases of dealing with marital discord and helping people get over it. And I'll tell you one thing, just to conclude, when I sat on the Sharia board, giving divorces,
we had maybe 20 cases come towards in the period, maybe three months 20 cases where the man or the woman asked for divorce. And we only issue the divorce in one.
The other 19 cases, or however many it was, we didn't need it, all the people needed was some good advice. And that's why I delivered this talk here for you today. Because I found that to be honest, in 20 cases, where people come to ask for divorce, only one of them needs to end in divorce. The other 19 To be quite honest, can be fixed with a bit of knowledge and a bit of action. So inshallah that is the conclusion of the talk.
Again, I know I take your time, every Friday or every other Friday, I'll answer whatever questions I can in the best way that I can. And those of you who need to leave, by all means you feel free to do so. What should a woman do? If her husband is busy in a charity organization and doesn't have time for his family? Should she stop him? Or let it go for the sake of Allah? My advice would be neither.
Neither give him complete freedom to ignore the sisters rights, nor cut him off from what he loves doing. And what is making him near to Allah subhanho wa Taala.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Don't cut him off from good. And say you don't work with a charity organization all the time you spend you spend with me. And at the same time, don't allow him to let the charity organization take over your marriage. Find a balance in between where you say, Look, you're spending too much time with this charity. And look at the difference. Let me give you two scenarios. The sister says you're spending too much time with this charity. Don't go there again.
Guys, tell me what would your instant reaction be? I'm going to go twice as often.
sarcolemma true. twice as often, I'm going to go twice as often just to spite her. How dare she tell me what to do. I'm in charge of the household. Now watch what I do next week. Now she will not see me at all. This is going to be the reaction. The wife comes and says, Look, I know you love it. And I want you to go. But can you give me a little more time in the week? Can Can we spend a day together as a family? Can we spend a night together as a family? Maybe you know, instead of going every day, the guy can't easily refuse? He can't say no. You know, he said Well, to be honest, she's asking a fair request. And you know, really, this is probably the best I'm going to get and at least
she's not stopping me from going all the time. There's a big difference. So my advice would be find the middle area, chat to your husband about it and try to find a way that you understand what he's going through that he wants to help he wants to do it. But at the same time, as well. You also don't allow him to trample over your rights. So you find a medium ground in it.
Is it bad for a wife to shout at her husband? Yes, I think I think it is I think it's bad for a wife. I'm not biased. Well, I, I think islamically it's bad, I think a wife has to maintain that respect for her husband. And that, you know, honor of her husband that she's required to in Islam. And that requires speaking to him in a respectful way and not and not shouting at him as much as she can. And human beings are human beings. If your wife shouts at you, and he just learn to let it wash over, just learn to let it go smile, you know, buy us some chocolates or something like that, you know, just learn to let it go.
What is the right balance to have in the time he wants to spend with his mobile and the time with his family?
Well, I say this to you. And I mean this, this is one of my faults. This is one of my problems is that I go home, and I'm just the mobile comes out. So what I tried to do now
and you guys might have found this from me is that people say I call you all the time you don't answer the phone.
And I say yeah, hamdulillah I don't answer the phone. Call me all the time. I rarely answer the phone. Because I take my responsibilities to other people seriously. you calling me it's not an obligation for me to answer your call.
But if I'm with family, I will do my very best to leave my phone on the side. Put it on airplane mode, and you know what it is let the world burn down outside. Nothing will end you won't have it won't harm you in anything in Sharla
And this is the problem that brothers especially, we seem to think that if we're not 24 hours attached to the phone, something terrible is going to happen.
Guess what? Usually it doesn't. And you just switch your phone off for a while, at least have a period in the week after Joomla whatever it is where you just come home, switch the phone off, let your employer call tell them there was no signal the battery died alone, Stan, what could I do?
But don't lie.
Any integrity, I just put your phone where there's no signal.
Take your phone and put your phone in a place where there's no signal, like a four line box and then say, Well, I don't know what it was there was no signal. Savonarola learn to let things go learn to you know, spend some quality time with your family. One of the best things we ever did is to make a decision not to have a TV. Because when you don't have a TV, you're forced to actually interact with people. You actually talk to your wife from time to time, you actually spend time with your kids and play with them instead of just switching on the TV. And these kinds of things. Think about them.
Is it allowed for a man to seek to take a second wife without informing the current one?
I think there's a difference between what is allowed and what is befitting. So yes, there is no need for a man to seek his first wife's permission in taking a second wife. Because this is a permission that was given to him by Allah Subhana Allah to Allah. Thank you so much. tarbela Camilla Nisa, Messner was hula sarova, in twos and threes and fours, two and three and four.
Mary two are married to Mary four. So if Allah has given him permission, he doesn't really need to ask his wife's permission. However, is it befitting is it appropriate for a man to go behind his wife's back? I would say that's rarely appropriate. It's rarely an appropriate thing to do, and rather from the consideration of her feelings, and, and you know, being a good husband, is to think about the issue of
the issue of, you know, informing her beforehand, but from the life of the Prophet size cell, and we can see it's not a requirement. It's not a requirement that the husband informs the wife before taking another wife.
Unless there is some kind of condition of him doing so in the marriage contract like he made a condition that he will inform her beforehand or something. I don't see any Islamic reason why he has to, but I see a lot of Islamic reasons why he should.
In the heat of a fight, a husband invokes the curse of Allah and his wife, and the wife finds it difficult in her heart to forgive and overlook. What advice do you give to the husband? And what advice do you give to the wife to the brother? I say to him, that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, two, if I'm not mistaken, more either of the alarm and
when more ads or when the companion said to the Prophet sighs, Helen, all messenger of Allah, will we really be taken to account for what we say? The prophets lie Selim said, may your mother lose you is anything else the cause for a person to be thrown on their face and dragged on their face into the Hellfire except for what their tongue says?
He said, Yeah, he said, Is there anything else that causes a person to be thrown into the Hellfire about this,
and he'd be careful of your tongue. Be careful of your tongue. The prophets, I seldom said a person may speak a word that he does not give any consideration to. And it takes him into the depths of jahannam 70 years
into the depth of jahannam, 70 years of falling into the bottom of Johanna, because of a word we have Allah doesn't even think about it. Be so so careful about what your tongue says. And when you curse a person what happens, the curse goes up to the heavens, and it finds the heavens to be locked. And then it returns down. And it either strikes the person who was cursed, or the person who did the cursing.
Me personally, I don't like playing Russian roulette with the curse of Allah. And this is really playing Russian roulette with the curse of Allah, one loaded gun, put it on your head, pull the trigger, maybe you'll die, maybe you won't. That is what it is like when you invoke the curse of Allah frequently, you're just playing Russian roulette. You've got a loaded gun that you put to your head, pull the trigger and you don't know if you're going to shoot yourself or not. Because that curse is either going to hit you or it's either going to hit her and if she's innocent, then you shot yourself in the head.
Don't invoke the curse of Allah.
As for the sister, my advice is to understand that people make mistakes, to explain to the brother that it's not right, and to ask Allah to forgive him when he does it. Because you don't want your husband to be cursed any more than you want yourself to be cursed. So I say May Allah forgive you don't say this Subhan Allah be angry with me be upset with me. But don't say these words. Don't say these words, because this is something that is Subhanallah very severe in the sight of allies origin
asking to repeat the points,
any Sharla? We'll take it from the video reading later Allah.
And is it allowed in Islam to have
more than one husband, since it is allowed to have more than one wife? No, by consensus of the scholars and the text of the Quran and the Sunnah. It's not allowed for a lady to have more than one husband.
First of all, for the differences that exist between husband and wife, women are not the same as men, and also for the fear of a mixup in lineage. And the issue of honor and respect and dignity with regard to the differences between men and women. And this is something that a lot decreed, and Allah said, Li Li Mo, man hallak does not the one who created No, does not the one who created No. So Allah knows best what is going to correct ourselves. And I think that I've answered the topic of more than one wife, I might have answered it on talk to Islam, calm, I'm not sure. I had a feeling I answered it. But basically, one of the things that you can bear in mind is Islam did not come. For
men to take for waves. Islam came to limit the number of wives that a man could take to what is appropriate and fair to each of the wives. So in prior to Islam, a man could take as many wives as he wanted. 1000 2000 3000 never see them, never give them anything, just pop around whenever you feel like it.
That's not appropriate. So Islam limited this, to each wife being given equal time, equal money, equal respect, honor, given all of her rights, given respect, given the full rights of a wife, not tret, like somebody who just turns up at the house whenever he feels like. So Islam came to limit this not to add to it, people think everyone had one wife. And then Islam came and said, Take four. And it's not like that. People used to have hundreds of wives 10s of wives, and Islam came and limited it
to what is reasonable? What is Islam command every man to have more than one wife.
It's not a command. It's something that if you do it is good in in short line, if you don't do it, Sharla, then there's good in that as well. It's not a big issue, challah. This is only a big issue when we have attached ourselves to the Western concept of love, and the western concept of happiness and all of these things which you find some Pinilla doesn't bring. And there are lots of Subhanallah stories of ladies who, whose husband has more than one wife who are very happy in their marriage, very happy with their husband. And for some people, I'll be honest, it saves their marriage. For some people, it saves their marriage because I can see some people who the problem is they're just
in each other's faces all the time, they just with each other all the time. And, you know, the marriage is just falling apart. And sometimes the husband marries again, and Subhanallah the balance is restored back to the family. I don't think it's a big deal. It's not something you have to do something I'm telling the brothers here, you know, all of you go out and take more than one way, something you have to do. Nor is it something that that should be seen as a big social stigma. It's allowed in Islam, it's there for those people who need it or want it as an alternative. And it's up to the woman to how she reacts towards that. And if ultimately she can't live with it, then that's
her decision. And Allah azzawajal knows best. So I've kept you for a very long time as usual.
But in Charlottetown, I hope that has been of some benefit. I hope that you guys don't need much of what is said. And I hope that inshallah it's just a reminder that you can go and you can spread out and tell people and sort of things that you can bear in mind to hopefully, you know, stop problems from starting before they even you know, have a chance to begin. So this is what we asked her last panel to Allah We ask Allah azza wa jal to bless us in our marriages, and to bless us in our families and to make our families, the coolness of our eyes and to bless us in our children and to bless us in our time. And indeed, Allah subhanaw taala is the one who is able to do all of those
things. And he is the one who's help we seek Subhana Allah Mohammed ik eyeshadow and La Ilaha Illa and Estelle Furukawa.