Channel: The Deen Show
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Bismillah Alhamdulillah Salaam Alaikum peace be unto you. Welcome back to the deen Show. Today we're going to be talking about the family keeping it together, preventing it from breaking apart. My guest who's coming on a second, Mr. Mustafa Zaid, who's the author of the lies about Muhammad. He's also an Imam in New Jersey has a lot of experience dealing with families who have these issues, husband, and wife coming together, but having a hard time staying together, some know their roles, some don't. And some just don't want to know. And we want everybody to know and to implement what the craters tell them to implement. So we can live a more fruitful, productive life. And we can have
success in this life success, and paradise, which is the ultimate destination and goal and the next, we'll be right back to talk about the family keeping it together here on the deed show. This is the thing.
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Assalamu alaikum. Peace.
How are you I'm gonna the lies about Mohammed, you're the author of it, yes. And you have a lot of experience, you've been an Imam For how long? About eight, nine years, now, eight, nine years. So in our last show, people can go to the deen show calm. And we discussed family business family planning, how to keep the homes together rather than breaking it because you will suffer, the kids will suffer. So we really want to talk more about this issue and give some practical tips, examples of people who did the wrong thing, not the right thing and where they are today how that affected them. So can you just bring us up to speed on some of the things that we talked about in the
previous episode, and people can go back to the D show.com. To see that common one is the level of gratefulness to the marriage, some husbands and some wives, thinks that the qualities that they have from their marriage is a birth given right. And the focus only on the negative things, till it mushrooms to enter divorce. And the husband or the wife would go seek another marriage. And in that other marriage, whatever they had thought is given them for granted, is actually not even there. For example, the husband used to complain and you know, I witness this, that wife does not take care of herself. She does not put that enough makeup, and so on so forth. And maybe the wife was not, you
know, paying attention to that much even though we give her the advice. And because she took care of his household and his children, like no one else could. And he decided to No, I want divorce this a lot of the temptations out there, I want a beautiful woman that does not make me look, he did not pay attention to the Grateful and be grateful for the good qualities that his wife was providing. He looked for the real beautiful one, the high maintenance, beautiful wife, she was Muslim, too, he got married. And she provided zero of the other things that he took for granted, she did not cook, she didn't want to have children till you know certain time and she had children, she wanted to put
conditions that she would buy, you know, hire enough nannies and so on and so forth. And he would wish for one day of the quality of life that he had with his other wife. And that was a punishment from Allah subhanaw taala. Because you need to be grateful first, for what you have before you ask for more. And the same thing applies vice versa, to wives to the husband works hard he provides he takes care of her, but maybe because of that heartbreak, he does not have enough time to spend with the wife as much as she likes. But for that little thing she want to blow up the entire marriage and she does, she now goes with a husband that yes, you know, spends more time with her, but does not
provide and actually want her to go out there and work because we cannot afford what we have you know from the beginning that I and so on and so forth and the quality is that the other husband was providing is gone and now she does not care actually she one lesser time with the second husband altogether, why she was not grateful to the blessings of Allah subhanaw taala that he gave her lots of analysis, what it entailed do not a lot, a lot of so on and so on. If you count the blessings of Allah subhanaw taala you will not be able to there countless people are ungrateful. Another example is the influence the outside influence. For example,
you know, this is a recent one, business owner, millionaire, you know, any dream husband for any
wife and she had a college degree, a lot. saponified blister coupled with two beautiful babies, the mother comes in Well, I did not send you to college and had all these costs and all that, you know, work and caring for you so you can sit home. But at home, you are caring for your own babies, and what you need to work for we work to compensate our hours of hard work for money if Allah subhanaw taala blessed you with that money in even plenty and in abundance with with your husband, why do you want to go out there and work for $40,000 a year and your husband is a millionaire? Leaving your two babies and the mother influence and you know, again, was not grateful for the case? What happened
divorce. Now she's not married, very hard for it to get married with two babies and want to work now. Well go work and spend your entire income on babysitting the kids and so on and so forth. This is a live exam. Yes. Yes. So the husband was it was a millionaire. Yes. And now you mentioned the outside influence. This is where it happened. The mother in law was coming in. Yes. And to your surprise, sometimes the influence of the mother in law or the father in law is too. How would I say it heir agreements that they had in their own personal life. So sometimes the mother was really oppressed by an oppressive husband, who really oppressed her and was unjust with her. So she wanted
to retaliate subconsciously, maybe not intentionally, subconsciously, by making her daughter, the dominant force in the household, and really belittling the men, as if he is, you know, a doormat or something. And no real man would accept that. So what happens, divorce, and who's the victim, her own daughter, and the children and the daughter is don't to blame. Your mother is your mother, but your mother had her own house and our own life, to apply your own ideology and her own matters in it, you are responsible for your own household, not your mother.
So that was her fault, bringing that influence. And this brings me to a point where Yes, parents are sacred in Islam. It's a loss of palletizers messenger and they're doing well by parents. But doing well by parents is not something that contradicts the other Hillel of having a good husband having a good life, obeying the husband obeying the guidelines of Allah subhanaw taala when it comes to your role as a spouse in your household, and you will never find in Islam, a Hillel that contradicts another halal. It's all complimentary. It's all, you know, a whole harmonized structure. So when people bring these contradictions, they are bringing outside influences that victimizes their, their
own selves, and their own children and their own marriage and the process. Now, just to bring some people up to speed who didn't see the last show, we did that, okay, and people we encourage to really know your role, and your rights. So the man has to provide for the household, he has to take care of the wife Be kind to her merciful. I haven't heard you quoted somebody for the privacy law center said the best among you are those who are best at a family that are wise and have the best. So to try to be the best to your wife, and not to be a dictator, consult with your wife, but after now the president the CEO, the someone had to leave the house to law, the crater, put the man in
charge. So once he makes a decision, he consults with his Lord, he does this to how to praise and he feels this is the right thing. The woman as we said earlier, she has to obey the husband has to be the husband and and if she has a different opinion, she needs to voice that and states and you know what, it's not opinions as different personalities, opinion that adheres also to the benefit of Islamic law that we talk about. So you're not going to find if you abide by the law philosophy as a wife, and that's where your opinion is formulated according to and the same way that your husband that rules and actually takes it takes care of the household based on Islamic law. You're not gonna
find any contradiction life would be so easy Yeah. Now some people just before we go to a break some people when you say the word obey, all right, you know, because again, the Jerry Springer society you ain't gonna tell me what to do since obey I know bang nobody you ain't my master. So what do we mean when we say obey this lay Allah Subhana Allah be the creator and the husband is applying the laws and the guidelines of Allah subhanaw taala and you will be in Allah subhanaw taala in the form of your husband, if your husband asked us to cheat, not pray, do something wrong, there's no video because there's no obedience, anyone in disobeying Allah subhanaw taala so you're actually obeying
Allah subhanaw taala but you're not married to Allah subhanaw taala God forbid you met your husband. That's where you show the obedience to Allah subhanaw taala to him inshallah it's a break we'll be right back with more here on the deen show.
He is that you say that you do not believe in Jesus you have stepped outside of Islam you cannot be a Muslim and attended our faith to believe in in love Jesus Christ by the Why is it then when it comes to one of the most important decisions in life? Literally abuse ourselves. It's not that the main thing
We're looking forward to see what type of money he has so that he can treat my daughter like a princess. It's not about them.
Back here on the D show, and we're discussing family keeping it together, we don't want it to fall apart. So knowing your roles, knowing your responsibilities, and then living up to it.
So tell us now
giving us some more examples. We know that Islam is the perfect way of life is not manmade, all the evidence, points to this being from the one who is the most loving, merciful kind, the Creator of the heavens there, he's the most just he knows best. So at the end of the day, when your husband tells you, honey, listen, if we're gonna fight this fight in a polite way, Honey, let's
do it this way. Because I feel is best. So the woman should do a Jihad a struggle. Maybe she's coming from Jabalia, same for the man some. So you know, she's been watching a lot of Jerry's, but she left on it alone now and she wants to be a good woman, a good Muslim woman. She's got a because sometimes that inside you is just wants to lash out. You just want to you know, your emotions get high. You got to submit. I want to give you a real example. You actually it's a member of my family. Yeah, lady that is really pious. She was fixing a nice meal to her husband was a really pious man. And he was sitting down waiting for her to finish setting up the table. And you know, there was an
article in the newspaper that actually attracted him and he was taken by it and his wife kept going and come to the dinner come to dinner come to the national she really got mad and then she went grabbed the newspaper and tore it apart she was really mad. And the advice from programmers SLM never get mad, never get mad, never get mad when a man came to him and said, I'm simple minded. I do not know how to put all this logic on my head, tell me something they have a follow inshallah get into agenda, get Don't get mad and repeated three times. What would the husband do? Look at the manners of Islam because as a good Muslim, he waited till she calmed down. And the first thing that
he did, he went to the ground, and picked up the pieces of the newspaper and scotch tape them together, and, and did it in nice, polite way without even looking at her. She said to me, that I'd rather that somebody whipped me or beat me up to death, then the pain that I felt of his politeness in as an answer to how rude I was. And this is how marriages, the tolerance, and the politeness happens. But we want to touch upon a very important point, which is, don't buy a broken car. Yeah, a really bad car. And then bring the best mechanic in the world to fix it and call that a good marriage. A good marriage start with how to pick up the good wife and the good husband and
performances and and give us the ultimate guidance of that.
The one with the dean, the man with the dean mean, Dean always means in the language of promises, good manners, not just one will memorize the Quran or have the longest beard and men who practically proves his Islam by dealing with people with the matters of Islam and the manners of the Prophet. That's how you choose a husband. How to Choose a wife from Mombasa Solomon's famous Howdy, Dong, Kahala. Um, a woman is pursued for marriage for for her beauty, her money, her social status or her Dean and Dean again, hair manners from Amazon advice for the for better Dini terrible to take the one with the dean, otherwise, you would regret it. And we all know as husbands, the most beautiful
woman that woman with the more money and the family or whatever, you would marry her two weeks, three weeks tops, for whatever reason, and they become normal. What last is the quality of our character, her manners is almost a woman had been choose the one with the dean, she was the one that adheres to the law philosophy and obeys Allah subhanaw taala in you. And then the marriage would be an easy sale, you have the one that too bad. Become the husband that way and pick up the life that way. That's the foundation of a marriage that lasts when it gives some more practical examples. You live in with that person. And you know what shaytan he wants to break the home. This is one of the
things that he loves is to dividing husband and wife. So when jealousy comes in, or bad attitude, or some of these other things that kind of will end up making a husband angry with his wife or wife angry with her husband gives them some practical advice like how we don't let that escalate. Again, that's a very important point. The overwhelming majority, especially over the wife's and I would let our sisters pay attention to that is that the husband does something that they don't like or hate. And they don't express that to the husband.
And the husband thinks you know what, I know this is wrong, but that's okay with her. So no problem next time. I laid it out the same way.
He keeps doing that hateful thing and sometimes even in a worse way. And she does not still express it till it comes to a point where I see in marriages that lasted for 1415 years with four children. And the wife comes to a point that says, no matter what you do, the worse no way back. And we spent, I spent a year and a half of the family a year and a half do when you know, circus work, not just as an Imam do with everything that you can possibly imagine trying to put the family together. And she had so much built up of anger of all that residual over the years. And the husband told me innocently and I believed him. I didn't know that she didn't like that talk about communication.
Yes, express in a nice polite way after the dust settles, I don't like that same thing, sometimes diffuses the whole thing saying no, I don't want to I don't like to do this. They would no matter what kind of man it is, he will think twice before doing it again. Never mind the third time never keep doing it till the woman explodes and she's a good sister, and he was a good husband. But communication, obeying the husband is something and communicating with the husband is a different thing. And the same thing, husbands, you know, and and this is harder for the husband, if the wife is not communicating, do not take advantage of you know, when when a wife is you know, obedient and
nice and does not want to start fights and so on so forth. Thank Allah subhanaw for that do not abuse it. Yeah. And as we know the wisdom, Allah subhanaw pronounces own wisdom is what I'm a believer seeks. And when he finds that he's most deserving with a LACMA bottom, and Mr. Trudeau was happy. If you wife is like that. Then listen to the common wisdom, even the street, what do you abuses? What do you lose? Yeah. Tell us how you mentioned in the previous show, where the woman being and letting out more of these women quality, the softness, the man, being a man, but sometimes the roles get reversed, and the woman you have like sometimes, two men in the house, and no man
likes another man in the house, how important is it, like sticking to your nature, and not being one who's taking the man's role in the man's best quality the female can enjoy Is it her being the true female versus a real man, a real man with the man quality, and the way that a man feels his manhood and, and enjoys and have pleasure with it is with a true female? Yeah, the more female she is, the more man he is. And the more identified that quality, the more they both is going to go to enjoy their life. A lot of Allah created it to each one to complement each other. Actually, I'm an engineer by education. And actually the electric current, the electric current that everything
around you works with, how does it work? Positive and negative. And because of the potential difference that we call it engineering, the current moves from the positive to the negative, and by that circulation life works. So the thing that the positive means from the negative and the things that the negative needs from the positive. That's what creates the current of life that way and more. So you know, if a man agrees to be a lesser men in his household, that's lesser have fallen flat for him as a man, and the more manage a woman become even not in behavior or physically, but just by the way that she treats her husband, the quality of life is gone. And then the marriages,
you know, well, the roommates and roommates can change mates left and right. Yeah. Why is that to this roommate, you have some brothers who also bring up the whip of the tongue. Sometimes a, it can happen for the man too. But sometimes the woman will whip the husband with the tongue, you know what I mean by the tongue? And it really gets out of hand. How do we control this tongue? Actually one of the one of the things that promises or moaned about Muslims in general, one of the greatest components of promises and as the cushion innocently, and you can tell, and it's very rare, and that he promises them that he can send some anger there from him. So someone was very patient. He asked
them, are we going to be just for what we say, from home? samsung.com? May your mother lose you? And this is very rare that moms have said that, isn't it? What puts people on their faces into Hellfire is the harvest of their tongues? The tongue? Yes, promises a man came to him and said, Oh, Prophet guarantee me paradise. promises to them said, guarantee me what's between your lips and between your thighs? You know, implying to you know, adultery, I would guarantee you paradise. And if you think about it, two thirds of the way to Paradise is the tongue. And a lot of people do not realize that one word that you see in a moment of anger can devastate someone's character can devastate someone's
personal stamina and confidence in themselves. Oh, you're ugly, you're this you're that you that we have to be careful that yes, we say things in moments of anger, but do not you know, use that whip of attack especially when the woman challenges the manhood of the man. Oh, you're not man enough to do this. If you met enough divorce me if you and these challenges that we put backwards in stupidity of anger and anger as per the definition promises Selim is one that shaitan is writing you when you allow yourself to get angry.
You're not holding the steering wheel if your life anymore is the devil, and the devil does not want to hurt you, the devil want to put you in hellfire. It doesn't want to halfway. That's why my mom says alundra get angry. If you get angry, sit down. If you cannot sit down lay down. The first thing to defeat anger with is just make up illusion why what's happening is fire from the devil and you put it off by the world occlusion, say all the blemishes on origin and so on and so forth. So avoid these moments of anger. Choose your wife correctly, have tolerance be grateful for you have already because you never know the beautiful woman outside that looks so nice and fancy. You don't know how
trustworthy they are, how honest they are up how protective they are, are they going to be good mothers or not? Uh, one of the good things in Islam and I said it before is that Allah subhanaw taala, printed on time and then doing well by parents, the second best thing that Muslim can do is doing well by parents. And we know something that is called a hokulani, that in which anyone should avoid at any cost, which is you're not doing well by your parents. That's a very big sin and a big loss. But there's also calc
meaning that you're not doing well by your sons and daughters. What's the definition of that? A woman that is not a good Muslim, that does not have a good reputation, that might have a deviated behavior, and just for her looks, or whatever circumstances, you just get married to her. And now you force your son from her daughter from her to have a mother with that bad reputation with that bad mannerism. And by that you belittle and took and devastated the rights of your own son and daughter upon you, when you chose that mother to be the mother, that woman to be their mother.
Just this is such a vast topic. So I'm just closing a few important points, the do's and don'ts in the last two minutes that we have you said outside influence, it should be limited to who like you know, the wife should be going back to the mother to her mother, the the son going here. And then you know, the whole community coming in and giving their opinion what they think is right, but actually making it worse, who should they go to who should they not go to, to make this work?
It's the responsibility of marriage is the responsibility of the man and the woman, the husband and wife, they are allowed in the matter of fact, they are persuaded and encouraged to go seek advice. But give the advice about the specifics of your house. Common advice, do not tell the secrets of your household, to people who are close by so they can influence and make a small problem, a bigger problem. seek knowledge from people you don't know, read, ask actually ask a scholar without even stating your name. And find out what is the right thing to do about that situation what to do with your husband, do not get people, even the closest people to get involved with that much details. You
are responsible. They're not, you're the one who's going to carry the burden and the responsibility if it works or not, they're not. And I don't know any mother that compensated a good wife or a good husband, I don't know any father or compensated a good son, for his good wife. It never happened and it will never happen. And at the end of the day, you're the one to blame, you carry the responsibility. So take care of your own problems. So so so your your beloved sibling, or your mother can actually at the end do more harm than good. Many cases that happened in many cases that even though they love you, they have good intention. And I have this final example, a mother that
actually the her son in law, who was a labor, he was not professional, works about 12 hours a day. And he had the courtesy to invite her to live with him and his kids. And the men work like a mule all day to provide for the family. And he would kill himself to provide for everything of them. Whenever they get invited to some of the relatives who are professionals who have better careers and better jobs, that her daughter, his wife does not qualify to that life because she's not that educated, either. She would make sure that she tells Oh, I feel sorry for you look at the cars they have the houses they have the furniture they have, why you accept that and she kept belittling the
men so much that the woman said I have to get a divorce, my life has been wasted. Now she's on food stamps. And her mother just left her to live with her own other son.
Wow, good. And maybe the mother thought that she's doing a good thing. But you know, again, who is carrying the the blame and the responsibility and the burden at the end of the day, it's up to you. So turn it back to Allah and His Messenger, live life according to laws will not your desires, consult with physicians, scholars in Islam, and try to live and not because you love me as a friend or a mother or anything? You know, my mother loved me more like anything in the world. But when I had needed surgery, I would not go to her. I'll go to a surgeon. Yeah. When you know, somebody's brother who's a great one, and he's a mechanic and you have a low matter, you're not going to take
him to represent you in court. Even though nobody loves you like him. Same thing. My mother or my father loved me the most but they're not the expertise and they don't have the world.
will ask us color and other guidelines of loss of panel data. And the more you abide by Allah subhanaw taala you will drop protection and listen from him. This is more important probably than even the heart surgery. Family vs. the whole wife the whole quality of Yeah, one one final quote I heard be his servant. He'll be your slave. Have you heard this? Yes. And it's true. It's true as true. Yeah. Okay, thank you very much. People can visit you at the lies about Mohammed calm. Yes. You're the author of the book. Yes. And you have your own website. Yeah, we made a website for the book the lies about Mohammed calm itself, where we have our blog, and, and then media, Chawla about
the whole issue. Thank you very much.
Thank you. And thank you for tuning in to another episode of the deen show, keeping the family together. This is something so important in Islam, because if you got broken homes, you got broken societies work hard to get to know this beautiful way of life. Know the roles and responsibilities that Allah has bestowed upon you. And live them submit to them this is your test is one thing saying you believe, but then are you going to follow it up with action. And when a calamity hits, you want to be patient. And you want to do all the good that allowes told you to do. Because it's a test and trial, your whole life from the womb to the tomb. You don't want to give up. You don't want to give
up. You want to stay with it all the way to the end. And you want to keep those families together. You want to bring those children are up in a healthy environment. So they can be a benefit to society. And what better way when husband and wife are together, staying together working together. So then they can produce wonderful results. So with that said, we hope that you got to benefit and we'll see you next time here on the dean show. Same time same channel peace be unto you. You have to pray as if everything depends on a lot and it does. But you must work.
Everything depends on you. And it doesn't. That's my point. You see I'm saying and I don't like that. I don't like us sitting here. What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for right now? What are you waiting for all these people to come to this? What are you waiting for? What are we waiting for right now when they're gonna come they're gonna come along and bring these people last. Put in our hand the ability to do it now do your job.
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid to stand alone.
am not afraid.
I am not afraid.
I'm not afraid.