Raising A Child In Islam
Channel: The Deen Show
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Salam Alaikum Peace be on TV. Welcome to the deen show in the studio Dr. Hatem and we're going to be given some advice, how to make sure your children don't go astray. What do you do when you have so much influence trying to influence them to doing bad that they should be doing good? How do you keep them doing good because the Creator, he gave them to you in original goodness, not in original sin. Every child is born pure. How do you keep them pure? And that's what we're gonna be answering here on the dean show with our guests when we come back. Stay tuned. He
is His Messenger
there's only one Jesus was his messenger
Why did that maybe it's just a break the ice. salaam aleikum, Chef, I can be with you. Thank you for joining us here on the deen show. Thank you for inviting me. That is the question. Now people can go to the deen show calm, and they can read a little bit more about you, your medical doctor, PhD, you've spent so many years studying the way of life that was revealed to all the messengers of God, including the last and final message of the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him and all the messages that preceded him. Jesus, Moses, Noah, Abraham, just to name a few Islam. So now we want to know, the
million dollar question is, how do you keep the children from going astray? You see them joining gangs, you see them?
Being promiscuous, you see them doing all sorts of mischief out there emulating the hip hop stars, the actors and actresses. What do we do? How do we safeguard them from following evil path and keep them on a righteous path? Let's start with this, please.
You are either unsaved. And this is the $1 million question because it's such a big question and the answer. If we if we try to be brief, I think the answer would have to be
rely on Allah rely on God, because he's the one who can help you. No one else can help you even you cannot help yourself if law does not help you.
Start early is the other advice that is very crucial here. And I would say that it does not start from the day the child is born, it starts from the
day you you choose your partner, who will be the mother or the father of the child.
So I think starting early is important. I think that you need to have a vision for this unit, which is called the family that is you know, one of the building blocks of the Muslim society, the family. So when you start this corporation, you want to have a vision for this corporation and the corporation also should have a mission and the mission should be an agreement with the mission of the society the mission of the oma because if there's one piece, one unit and then the whole building.
So I think that you have to be clear on what is it that you want in this life.
We're getting married, we have to agree that this marriage is to help both of us serve our mission in this life, which is to worship Allah and to be in conformity with the way of Allah and the oma collectively by the way has a mission not only to worship Allah and be in conformity with the way of Allah them collectively has a mission to change the world to be in conformity with a way of Allah,
out of out of mercy, how the keenness
deliver this good to everyone, because every human being is deserving of this good every human being is deserving of being connected with the Lord and created them, they will never find happiness otherwise. So when you reach out and you do this, you're actually being quite merciful and you're being quite kind to all humanity. So you have to have a vision when you started a family
and you have to have the knowledge of how to have a family and how to be a good husband and how to be a good parent, mother or father. In what is the what what are the is
principles of raising a child or even an adult, that are based on, for instance, moderation.
Because sometimes people have extreme expectations. So unless your vision is based on or your principles of raising the child are based on moderation based on the simplicity of which which should have come first the simplicity of
our relationship with God, you know, as human beings, Islam provides us a holistic therapy for our hearts or minds or souls for everything. And all of this is dependent on our relationship with Allah,
that is the most important relationship that we have to correct we have to rectify, so that we can be together our mind and heart and, and spirit, all of them can be aligned together and aligned with the will of the last minute Allah divine creator. And
then you will have to understand also the reality, the reality that you're dealing with, you have to understand the what is it that you're aspiring to, and you have to understand the child, the reality of the child, the child himself and the circumstances that surround the child, the child himself goes through stages, you have to really have some knowledge of the various stages, and how to tackle each stage. For instance, for the first one or two years of life. This is the stage of building trust, trust versus mistrust. The child is building trust with the parent. Absolutely, yeah, the child once you know, the child wants to know if the caretaker, you know, the main caretaker, is
actually a good caretaker or not. And if the caretaker is a good caretaker, the child will start to develop trust, this is the psychological psychology of the child. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, so if the child is crying, because they're hungry, or because, you know, because of some other legitimate reason, and you do not respond to this,
the child will start to develop mistrust. What about not not not, you know, because in this program, we're going to just hit some, you've also you run an Islamic Academy, and you wrote some books. So in this show, we want to just give some highlights and then really get people because we can talk this is this, we talked about this for days. Now, this is interesting point, because every
parent knows how the child will react, though, from those years, they'll throw tantrums they'll be crying. So what do you do? Do you just ignore this? Or some will also turn to the timeout method? Is this good? Or what do you do when they're when they're crying like this? And you'll tell them no, and they'll just start breaking down for you know, just for you, maybe amplifying your voice a little bit. So do you tone it down? What do you do in these situations when you have to discipline them? Because they're reaching for something that might hurt them? They might do something that causes them harm. How do you handle these situations? What depends on the age of the child, you
know, early on, if the child is a little infant, you want to make sure that the child is not hungry, the child does not. Call the child does not, you know, wet or dirty. So that's one use of that. Yeah, and then yeah, and then thereafter, when the child is throwing tantrums, you want to make sure that the child is not in pain, because, you know, it could be simply in pain. And this is how they express their pain. If the child for instance has an ear infection, yeah, and they have pain, they'll be fuzzy, fuzzy, you know, well, if they are fuzzy, you want to really not always blame it on misbehavior, but maybe there is there is a cause behind checking for pain. How do you check if
you're not done? You got to get them to the doctor right away if they're What are the symptoms, diagnose your pediatrician, well of theirs, their manifestations of being sick, you know, a little bit of fever, decreased appetite
you know, fuzziness is one of it, but you will also have some other issues and someone may be pulling on the ears. So you want to be maybe haven't grown. They'll be pulling, tugging pulling. Yeah. So there will be some hinter indication, but if it is
basically misbehavior, then you want to also not counter this by misbehavior from your end. Okay. Okay. Let's hold on there. You started talking about that you could do some talking on air listen to this because we got some good advice from the shake we right back onto the show. He is born not 60 years ago in former Yugoslavia, today's bosnia after second World War. Major today you have one child killed too much. It's important that we realize that Islam is a gift. So we believe that in the teachings of Jesus, what is left there is truth and he he is the precept the truth has been mixed up.
With paganism and with nature worship and so Islam has given you a pure straightforward way of approaching monotheism from hunger.
Back here with Dr. Horton scheck, we're talking about and also a pediatrician. You're also an MD, you're a doctor, you didn't see what you specialize in. We're not talking to a car mechanic. So now, okay, so we got past, okay, the first few years, or the first what is it until about two or one and a half, where you want to make sure they're fed take care of them showing mercy, and always showing them mercy, obviously. But now those years What do they call them? The terrible twos? Have you heard them more? The terrible twos three, where some parents are going out of their mind? The kids are jumping, biting, you know, screaming, jumping on here, they're everywhere, and they can hurt
themselves, throwing tantrums, crying? How do you deal with this? Well, before we went on break, you said don't. So I can remind you said don't counter it with bad behavior yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Because if you if you start to curse, and if you start to, you know, to beat the child, for instance, for for some of those reasons, I think that this is misbehavior, don't do on your part. Certainly, this is a two year old, this is a three year old. Now you need to try to figure out what's happening. And even if there is misbehavior on the part of the child,
you have to understand that, particularly now, we're talking about you know, 234567, this this, this stage in the child's life is a very crucial stage very important stage from various aspects. This is the stage of autonomy, the stage of initiative, the child wants to be autonomous, the child wants to set
his or her limits. So he will push to see, you know, his limits his his impact on the world is
the child is influenced to see how how much he can push you? Absolutely. Because he does his parents is Ferrell. And and part of this stage is to be egocentric, and this is not abnormal for this stage. Yeah. So it'd be selfish that our certo is, and to do all of this, that's part of the stage. Because in this stage, the want to test their limits, they want to see how far they can go, how much control they have over the world around them. Just a side note, because you said now they're selfish. They're trying to you know, not share this, that and the other. Some people might argue that this is because of that original sin. That's how it's in their nature. Just to go on a side note, how would
we answer this? Because I've gotten this argument from people? What do you what do we have to say about this? Well, for the not yet Muslims who are listening? Yeah, well,
would would it make sense to say that I heard this from Shifu Festus and and I liked it very much. He was saying that it wouldn't make any sense to say to a judge my, you know, my client is as guilty as a newborn child.
You know, it, it is natural for human being, to think of a newborn child as innocent, yes.
God would not actually make us accountable for a sin that we we've never witnessed, we were not part of by any means. So this is not fairness or justice. However, God created the human being with various inclinations. And some of those inclinations are good inclinations, and some of those inclinations or bad inclinations. Now, he did not force any bad inclinations on us. But within our makeup, there is the good inclination, and there is the bad inclination. Why are they now let's dine, we've shown him the two ways. And part of our makeup also is that you can go right and you can go left, while the child is not necessarily trying to be wicked or evil, but is trying to see how
much control he has. How would How else would he know how much control he has?
You know, when when you start a new job, do people tell you usually, you know, this is he can do this, you cannot do that? Yeah. And well, he is here in this world. And he is in a lot of people around them, and he's interacting with them. And he wants to know, you know, this is father, this is another lesson my siblings, those are people who come every once in a while to our home, you know, everybody has seems to have there are certain dynamics here and everybody seems to have different roles. Whereas my role, what's my role? And what are my limits, so he wants to test them.
So that is when you set limits, because you will not allow the child to hurt themselves or hurt others. You got to set limits. Absolutely. They gotta be some disciplining because you're not going to allow the child
Are tiring to grow up a tyrant. Sometimes people can do this by spoiling the child by making them keep in mind that children have, you know, one of the interesting phenomena in this particular age group is a phenomenon called
animism. And another one called artificial ism, artificial ism is when you feel everything's artificial, everything is man made. And animism is when you feel that even the inanimate objects, you know, the table can talk to you and can be under your control, and the clouds and the buildings, and so on and so forth. So those two different phenomena are part of the
psychological growing of the child. So he feels that he can be in control of everything. And that is not bad. If you use it. Well, if you use it well, if you give him room to take the taking a you know, initiative, if you give him room to show his leadership, but to set limits, so that he knows that he's not here alone. And he knows that he has he can for as far as he can go as far as you want. But without compromising other people's rights, or people who live with you also in this universe, and you do not want to overstep the limit between you and them. So if you do this carefully, but you give the child enough room to breathe enough room to feel
that they have a separate identity. Yeah, there is some level of autonomy, give them a chance to choose, you know their attire. Sometimes they may have like a very bad choice, and then you get to talk to somebody, how do you do that? So are we taught? So the parents get a better idea? What age are we at now between? We're now we're to onwards to offer to to sell. So you're talking to them? And you give us a practical example, say, you know, what would you like to wear today? And you can do that? Well, if you absolutely what, you know, even with food, you ask everybody, would you like to eat somewhere? even as a child? Yeah, absolutely, you want to be doing this, you want to make
them feel that you do not control everything, there is not absolute dictatorship here, nice. But there are limits, I'm still a parent don't lose that, you know, control. So So even if they don't understand you, they'll catch on, that absolutely catch on. And they will, they will know where their limits are. And they will know that yes, you may have the final word, final word about things. But that's just the nature of life of only between the parent and the child. But even in this society, there's got to be some hierarchy. You know, after all, someone will have to make the decision, the President and the country or the chairman of department or you know, the CEO of a
company, there is a hierarchy, someone will have to make the decision. So are you always googoo Gaga? Are you talking to me like an adult,
you probably don't, you probably don't want to be talking to them like, like a child, because they want to feel respect. You know, you they want to respect
the tone, maybe a little bit different, maybe a little more kind and merciful. But you You do not want to
have like a
speech for adults and speech for children. You want to speak to them, like adults with a different tone, but certainly understand the limitations of their logic. Because, you know, between two to seven, they may not be
operational. Yeah, you know, in terms of their thinking, and it may take them up to 10 or 11 years to have abstract operational
thinking, what do you think about timeouts you heard about the timeout method? When the child is now you know, going up in the cupboards, breaking the glass they didn't cut themselves? What do you do some hedges let oh, let him give him room just go or sit him down timeout? Have you heard of this method? Timeout. Timeout is a legitimate method because
as much as you can avoid physical punishment, everything that can make you avoid physical punishment would be a good idea. fact, the first thing that you need to do is to actually show them what is right. Because oftentimes we get upset with
before showing them you know what is right.
We get upset when they do something wrong. When when the prophet SAW Selim was sitting with a hammer and the salah
and he was you know, his hand was going all over the dish. And the Prophet peace be upon him said to him, oh, young boy. semilla say Bismillah could be me and it was the right hand corner medic and eat from the side that's next to you. So he did not reprimand them. He did not tell him this is wrong. This is called positive reinforcement verse
Negative reinforcement before you tell him what, what are you doing? What's this mess? Tell them what is right. He said to him, yeah, VLAN, which is, you know, an endearing word, you know, youngboy semula, say Bismillah could be a meaning to their attendant from the side that's next to teach them what's right first, right enforce and reinforce good habits. Before you do the negative reinforcement, teach them which right enforced a good habit before you go ahead and recommend we're gonna take a break and be right back here on the show.
I'm not afraid to say
I am not afraid.
I'm not afraid.
comes to you the truth and the attribute of the one who created you that he's won and alone, running this universe, that he doesn't become bored, he doesn't die. He doesn't eat and go to the bathroom? This is not God. problems here. Yeah, this This doesn't make sense. Who is Jesus worshipping? recorded in the gospels? And despite all of the other issues about the Gospels, we put those aside, we just mentioned there that Jesus, worship God
We're back here with Dr. Horton. And we're trying to answer the million dollar question. How do you make sure your kids don't go straight? And we're starting off from the beginning? Because once the ship sales and buy buy is very difficult, isn't it? So we're giving the audience some advice from early young age? How to deal with the children. Okay, so we talked about the timeout method, you get an example from the son of the last in front of Mr. Calm peace be upon him, tell us now give us some more practical, let's paint a picture, you know, the child is doing something bad? And then how would you go about talking to him and correcting him? And if you do a timeout, how long do you do it
for a minute, two minutes and give us some some examples, please?
First of all, you have to ask yourself, did I teach him to do it? Right? And if I taught him to do it, right? Did I remind them enough, because a child that is three years old may not remember that I told him last month, don't do this or don't do that, you need to repeat it several times. And then thereafter, you want to be trying to deter the child of the child that has been taught and several times you try to deter the child, this is the stage of negative reinforcement, or various mode modalities of punishment. And it starts with some
emotional punishment very, very, basically, to turn your face away. Meaning that you're upset. And whenever something can be corrected, by just simple measures, you know, big measures, or enormous measures are to be avoided, to be completely that's just what logic dictates. And that's the way of the profits or loss element, and teaching us all things. So start with simple measures and then try to escalate,
withdraw the privileges also would be a good idea to withdraw privileges would be a good idea. Maybe that is not undress, the timeout is actually withdrawal of privilege, the privilege of being able to go anywhere, is restricted. Later on, you know, for an older child with some other privileges, something that he cares about. And he say, you know, you're not going to do this, take it away, because they get away because because you have done this, that's negative reinforcement and negative reinforcement continues also to escalate, escalate based on the, the, what we call an Arabic, German, German and German is the crime and the Germans the the size of the child. Yeah, you know,
because you have to understand or that the a the age of the child and the size
is oftentimes you have to identify the size of the crime, you know, because if you punish the child for spilling milk on the carpet, for instance, well does that need punishment? Unless there has been something intentional about it? No, there should be no punishment whatsoever. That would be taking revenge that is not disciplining here, because you're so hurt by you know, expensive carpet is now this or that.
So you're taking revenge for yourself. You're not disciplining yourself.
And it is it certainly is
very young defending of anti muslim, to do this to take revenge against the child.
Because of something that is not really a sin, it's just a mistake. So you have to look at the what the dead, and you have to put it in the right perspective. So abandoned their prayers may be worse than much of what they do.
But but many parents look at it from their own perspective, their own interest, not from the interest of the child and the well being of the child, spiritual and emotional, every, from an from every aspect. So you want to look at the crime and you want to look at the age of the child timeout, if you're three years old, maybe three minutes will be okay.
And you have a mandatory for every year because their attention span is limited. We're gonna direct people, I heard you wrote a paper on this or a book, where can people go, and we want to do a part two to this. If you think you can do that, we'll be glad to do that great God willing, God willing. So tell us now where can people go to increase their knowledge on this topic, and in Islam in general, tell us in this last minute that we hear, well, we can go to my website, and that's Dr. Hat, madhhab.com, Dr. H, ATM, unhatched, calm, and the there will be several articles on this, we can go to the Amazon line. In fact, they're better off going online because they will find some
other articles by other good scholars. It's amj online.org.
And then the they can continue their education, I think that every Muslim needs to continue
his or higher education, not only to tackle a particular problem, but just
to get the big picture. Because it is important that you're not using Islam to tackle a particular problem. And then you forget about Islam once it's done or, you know, no, you want to really accept the religion and authority. And don't be afraid to do that. Don't be afraid to surrender and be accepted. So I think that
getting to know more will bring you closer to a lot more recognition of being always more love of Allah subhanaw taala because the more you recognize his greatness, his wisdom, his kindness, His mercy, the more you will love him. So don't be afraid
of knowledge. And they can also go to what where's this place that they can go share it? continuing education? Well, I'm the Dean of Sharia Academy, you can go to www dot Sharia academy.com. Okay, thank you very much.
Thank you. We look forward to having you back here again on the deen show. And thank you for tuning in to another episode of the deen show. What do you have, you got to believe and do good deeds. And when you die, what do you leave behind if you leave behind a righteous child, that you're going to still keep them deeds coming in, you still going to be getting rewarded for that. But if your child goes astray, there goes your investment. So you got to put in the time put into that time now so you can benefit later. And we are here trying to help you develop that better understanding through doing it God's way doing it a laws way sticking to the game plan. That game plan is Islam sticking
by the Quran, the verbatim Word of God and authentic tradition sayings actions of the last and final mission and problem on peace be upon his Howdy. So continue to come back here every week to the deen show. We'll have more exciting shows on this topic and others and we'll see you next time peace be unto you.
He created the universe
to belong the heavens and the earth.
He is the
Easter owner. He sent His messengers
to these creatures.
there is none