Channel: The Deen Show
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as salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. me the peace blessings and mercy of Allah be upon you. I'm spending a jack with the Imam from the Muslim community center of Rockford, Illinois, here with the deen show to talk about a subject that is tremendously important. Something that's on the minds of the majority of our brothers and sisters, marriage, what's the importance of marriage, the benefits and get married? What can you do to find the ideal husband or wife and some of the obstacles? Make sure that you don't go anywhere stay there because this is what we're going to be talking about. See you just a bit Salaam Alaikum.
is His Messenger.
Jesus was his messenger.
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Bismillah Alhamdulillah Salaam Alaikum, which means peace be unto you. Welcome to another episode of the deen show. We have a very exciting topic for you today as we always do. But this one is really something that you're going to have to pay a lot of attention to. It's something that's very important. If you're thinking about getting married, if you want to get married, you want to know the benefits of marriage. You want to know how do I approach this special someone the obstacles of marriage. We're going to be talking about a lot of these important things about marriage with a special friend of mine. A mom she's been deemed on the show.
A salaam aleikum. Wa Alaikum Salaam Rahmatullah America. How are you in mom's? pendeen? kondalilla? How about yourself, Eddie Hamdulillah, Hamdulillah, Jersey boy, hamdulillah. He grew up in New Jersey, from Chicago, and we're getting together here and the dean is wonderful. It is 100 in our praises to the Creator of the heavens and earth.
Thank you. Just so people got to read a little bit about you. Tell us you studied at Medina. Correct? You have some good friends that are actually doing some good work out there. I guess a bit of jazz? Yes. accardi. And some of the other
teachers and brothers that haven't done a lot. Yeah. So how was it studying in Medina?
Book could be written about it. Yeah. We had his great point. And it had its challenges. And so you're familiar with the language of the Quran, and the you know, the Arabic You studied in Medina, you're going to give us some advice today, inshallah I couldn't do it by myself. That's what we're here for. I'm here to learn how the people watching. They're tuning on to learn non Muslims, they want to know, also what this Islam is about. And we're covering a very important topic. Very, very, tell us marriage, what are the benefits? Now, before we get into some of these other points I want to cover what are the benefits of marriage being married with a special someone? Sure, first, just
to even begin the importance of marriage before we even get into the issue of benefits, because it's related. It's tied in that marriage is as old as man himself is that when we look at so upon the law, the creation of men, it began with Adam alayhis salam. And he was not alone. In the beginning, he was an all those who had Allah He was in Jannah. He couldn't enjoy himself being alone. Yeah, it's as if Allah wa jal, Laval from the fifth row placed within us that needs to have companionship, that need to have others in our lives. And so quite a lot because of that. It's that sense of being able to share life with someone else. And that can be displayed and demonstrated so beautifully in
marriage. And so when you look at it, so Pinilla it's like the idea that Allah subhanho wa Taala give us in the Quran, when he's talking about the miracles and the awesomeness of the creation of the heavens and the earth and the mountains and all of these things that are just so huge. right in between there he puts into Panama Tada. Holy heat island woman, yet he he and her color come in fusi comm as well as were generally task Ooh, la her rajala Bay nakooma wet that tone
Yet in la comida Kuru from Allah miraculous signs is that he has created for you, spouses, like yourself, and that he has placed between you, the spouse of husband and wife, love,
mercy, love and mercy to certainly in that there's a sign for those who can think. And so when you realize that, you can see that supanova the benefits there. They're limitless, the benefits
that innate natural need to have somebody else in your life that helps to give you a sense of fulfillment significance to feel important to feel that that hamdulillah there's more to life than just youth and that you're able to share.
And the more in tune a person is with themselves, the more they'll be able to actually even benefit and enjoy and maximize enhance this whole project called life. And so panela from them from the benefits is that the level so behind metallic gives us an outlet to demonstrate our emotions and emotions make up a tremendous part of us, the emotions of love, our emotions, of caring, of being kind,
to communicate, we need to speak, we need to have interaction.
sitting alone, being alone working in a cubicle all day, stresses people out, being able to have somebody to connect with and the building blocks for a family for society as a whole children
to just take the relationship of the marriage to a different level now as a family and so Pinilla so there's blessings upon blessings and the benefits that are associated with marriage. Awesome. There's a couple of words because primarily the the channel we're on we have a lot of non Muslims, and we encourage them always to come back and watch us on the deen show. And for those of you that don't see us live, you can see all of our shows at the deen, show calm you've heard the word Allah. This is the Creator of the heavens and the earth, the creator of the sun, the moon, Jesus, Mohammed. And this whole creation, you've heard the word Subhana Allah, which means glory to this creator,
glory to God, and some other Arabic words will we'll try to define them, so you can get a better understanding. I wanted to talk about marshman Diem. And you so eloquently explained this, the benefits because that's what it's all about benefits, what benefits us so I wanted you to explain this. Tell us now before I go on to the next point, in some religions, some ways of life. You're a mom, a spiritual leader, correct? How would you define the mom, religious leader? In some religions, they don't allow people to get married? Can you get married? I know the answer. But for some people who are listening, I don't think I'd be married. Something natural, isn't it? It's definitely just
as natural as breathing and taking a nap and eating and drinking. Why is it unnatural not to get married? I just want to touch upon this point just dawned upon me see, because there are some religious figures who they it totally abstained from marriage. And I feel it's something unnatural. What is your view on this was Islam absolutely but in your personal in Islam marriage is something that has been a practice of the prophets and messengers from the beginning. So marriage is the Prophet alayhi salatu salam, ala peace and blessing be upon him is, as he taught us are mineralogy bands, when keihan Lisa hammer Robinson at Felisa mini and among the things that he mentioned in
this high dataset, in marriages from my son, or from my teachings from my way, and so whoever desires other than my way that is not from me, need to get married, you need to get married. That's the way the prophets that is definitely the way of the prophets and that has been the teaching of Allah Almighty, the Most Merciful and loving God to give us a taste of what there is an agenda what there is in Paradise, to just further motivate us and psych us up and is dunya to say, Yeah, man, if it's like this good in this world, I can't imagine what Paradise is gonna be like. So this desire to want to be with a woman, the desire to want to be with a man, for a woman to want to be with a man
and a man to want to be with a woman. This is something natural, because also this is something looked down upon in other religions, some religions will, you know, when you talk about this sensuality of husband and wife, how does does Islam encourage this within perimeters? Can we discuss this real briefly? Definitely, absolutely. To be together as husband and wife, it's not an issue of roles of acting.
The reality and basis and core of it all is giving.
And this is something that's important for us to have as an understanding, because when you go into a relationship or get involved into something, thinking, What am I going to get? You're going to enter in from the beginning with the standpoint of hurting yourself, and feeling let down and hurting others. Yeah. But when you go into it with the mindset of giving, giving and not getting caught, you realize that you are now in a position to give what Allah has made permissible through this sacred bond, what Allah has given us of rights and the freedoms of enjoyment, in all different levels, from the emotional to the physical, to the spiritual, to the intellectual. And so it is just
as natural a need to fulfill in our lives, as our appetites of hunger, our thirst for knowledge, our need for physical health and well being. And so what we find that people deprive themselves of that
Which is a necessity.
It leads a lot of the times into problems. And this is where you'll find, unfortunately, the crimes of rape of molestation of, of sodomy and all of these other things. Why? Because when you take a path other than what God Almighty has given, it's almost as if we're saying I know better than you. And there's no one in their right mind that would say they know better than God. And when God the Almighty, the Most Merciful and loving has given us a pathway has given us a clear way to live life to maximize them fulfill, and we choose to do something else, we're going to harm ourselves. And at the same time, it's even worse when others are harmed. So this is a problem, but in this net, know
that, that recognition for for marriage, the intimacy that's involved with it, the communication that's involved in the relationship as a whole, it's a blessing. And this is why the Prophet alayhi salatu salam, Allah is pleased and peace and blessings be upon him, he didn't shy away from it, but on the contrary, is considered in Islam, one of the points of perfection in manhood, to marry, and to take it seriously. And to really look to be the best that you can be for that person. And not to manipulate them, pardon me, but to help them to enjoy life. And to find the happiness that's in this world. That's going to be a remembrance, a calling point, and attraction for Allah has prepared in
paradise in the hereafter. And so there's nothing shameful about it, there's nothing taboo about it, there's nothing gross or disgusting about it. On the contrary, this is something that everyone should be looking forward to. And internally, we have that natural disposition to want to seek it to look for it. But within the boundaries of how the Creator of the heavens and earth has told us to do it. So we're talking about marriage now. And we hope that at the end of the show people can, can relate to totally what you're saying that it's something beautiful we should strive for. And that's what we're trying to achieve, at the end, give the people encouragement, to run towards marriage,
and to get away from test drive, as they say today. And why is this that today is become something normal? I call it test drive. And that's really what it is, you know,
going out dating, we know people that have been there, done that. And there's a lot of harms in this, but it's normal, it's okay to date for a year, two years, maybe even live together, you know, try things out.
And people are going more towards this, and so far away from marriage. Why do you think this is enough?
Well, there's probably a couple of different reasons. One is there's that trend within society as a whole to make that acceptable, even though it's very harmful. You know, we like to think that as men, we don't have emotions, we like to lie to ourselves and say, it's only women who have feelings, only women cry. Yeah, it's not true. And so we think that by having these opportunities without having to actually commit, because at the end of it, if you can have your fun, and not have to commit to someone and walk away from it.
Why not? Why have to have any type of a special obligation to the person to really be concerned for them. And that's one of the issues that we have in society today. It's a selfish society where everything's about me. So relationships are not about you, what I can do for you, but it's about what can you do for me, you know, what have you done for me lately? Yeah, you know, as the song used to go. And so you find that in these relationships, where people are not in tune, even with themselves, with who they really are, and what they really want and are looking for in life, and you have these doors, these options all in front of you.
It's like that all you can eat buffet where you think that you know what, I paid that $10 at the door, man, I'm gonna came out, you know, is a pig out. I'm gonna eat like a horse, and I'm gonna just really get my money's worth, yeah, do we really end up benefiting ourselves? We overeat. We mix in all sorts of different things. And the same thing with this, you know what I mean? You have so much variety, when you don't really know what you're looking for almost anything can do. And that's why you got people falling for this one. And for that one for him and for her.
And they get into these relationships. And the girl most of the time, the woman because of her biochemistry and her psychology, Allah has made her unique. Yeah, she's really not looking to get into a relationship, just to kind of you know, wham bam, Thank you, ma'am. And and walk away from it. The way that men are, where their physical, their sexual desires are so strong that if they can enjoy themselves, and then walk away and find the second one and the third, and so it's really a lot of the times the woman that are getting hurt. Yeah. And so what's happening is now you have people who relationship after relationship, failed relationship after relationship, that the pain that the
scars and the wounds are there, that it's making it all the more difficult for them to really commit and enter into marriage. Why? Because of the background because of the history.
Because of the bad experiences, you see that women are naturally, if I'm correct created with the shyness, but it seems like they're going more and more away from the shyness, you'll see that a lot of the the men are on the hunt. And the women are getting caught up into the whole, you know, boyfriend girlfriend thing, getting into relationships, the relationships going sour, and now she's sort of tends to get this extra tough skin on her the extra coat and now she kind of starts doing with the man starts doing, she becomes kind of like a man where she's out just having fun and test driving herself. So we're totally going away from what the creator wants us to do. You know, how
could someone get away from this? How can someone get away from from this just, you know, Friday night relationship, Saturday night relationship? You know, hold down and
date for a little bit and just have fun with it? How could we get away from this and do something pure? Do what the creator wants us to do? You know, please tell us some advice.
Honestly, it's about being merciful to yourself. Yeah. One of the problems that we have today is that we're not communicating with our own selves, we are so out of touch with ourselves that we don't really even know who the person is, that is within this body, this physical form that we have. Yeah. And so when you don't really know who you are, what you are, what's important to you?
What makes you who you are? How can you respect yourself? How could you handle yourself with care? How could you look after what's really your best interest? It's hard. So we need to be in touch with ourselves, we need to be merciful to ourselves, Let both of the men and the woman look to see what is it that they're really searching for in life?
What is it that they're really seeking in these relationships that are not giving them the results that they're looking for. And the problem is, is if they don't have that, that in tune with themselves, they're going to continuously go into another relationship blindly, and still walk out of it hurt without finding anything. And so this is why when it comes to this aspect of what you're looking for, you have to begin with yourself, you have to be able to describe yourself, what am I? Who am I? What are some of the best qualities that I could say about myself?
That I'm loving, that I'm compassionate that I care for others, that I have integrity, that, you know, I have a great personality, I'm humorous, I could also be serious that I'm disciplined, and what am I looking for them, when you have an idea of who you are what you are, then you can look at the other person and say, You know what, these are the things that are most important for me in that person, that woman or that man, of course, we're not talking about anything of homosexuality or anything of that sort. But the man looking for the woman to say, for me, these are the things that are most important because of what I know of myself. Because I know who I am and what I am. And the
things that are most important to me, I can now relate to say that this is the 12 these are the qualities, this is the person that I would want to marry and have a list to be able to say that, for example, I want a person who loves God, I want a person who respects themselves, I want a person who's caring, who's compassionate, a person who loves others, a person who loves to spend time with other people, someone who also takes their mind seriously, it's not just about the body, someone who wants to have a family who loves children, someone who enjoys the outdoors, to have these things. And so now, when that opportunity does come to meet, you have something that you go on by that if
these main most major and important points that you have, if they're up in your mind, or even better, that you have them in written form, that you can now look to enter into this relationship in a controlled fashion. Why so that you don't end up hurting yourself over and over again, you don't give yourself that emotional opportunity to get attached, and then be hurt and let down all over again. And so when you're going through this and say, you know,
let's find out a little bit about you and the person says, Oh, yeah, you know, for example, I I hate the outdoors. You know, I love being locked up inside, you know, four walls all day in children who needs them? If those are things that are contrary to what you find to be so important. You can tell yourself right then and there. Look, you know, I don't think that this is going to be a relationship that will work out thank you and minimize this. And it prevented is the beauty of Islam. It prevents undo unnecessary harm.
Tell us Imam before there's some some things I want to cover for the people who have come to knowing who their Creator is. they've established a prayer. They're paying the charity. They're fastened during the month of Ramadan. They're implementing the way of life that all the messages have gotten implemented. Islam submission to the one guy on his terms
Doing what he wants you to do. And there's nothing less than paradise. Am I? right? Correct? Absolutely. But now this marriage thing in general, before we go on to the Muslim now, for anyone? Is it safe to say that if you haven't figured out the purpose of life, who your Creator is what he wants you to do, that you're kind of just going to be living? Letting your desires dictate your life?
How can this someone have to come to the realization is into the grip of why I'm here in this life? Is it just too otherwise? There's no boundaries, because we're talking about something that the creator says. But if someone doesn't believe in a creator, someone doesn't believe in a higher power, someone doesn't believe that, you know, look, I make up my own rules. So they can just continue doing this. And just, you know, test drive in hanging out, letting it all loose, kicking it as they say, What do you comment on this before we go to the next point, certain of these teachings of these principles. They're logical, yeah. And they're things that without even having a belief in
God, you can kind of understand, for example, when it comes to stability, and life, this is something that everybody is looking for, whether they can recognize it and put your finger on it or not, yeah, nobody likes to have to move from their own home or apartment every single year. Yeah. And if anybody's ever moved before, they can tell you how much of a headache it is. You can't realize how much you've gathered in your apartment or in your home until you have to box things up and move it. Yeah, everybody likes stability, we recognize that there's got to be changing adaptation. But the same thing with regards to someone who's supposed to be so significant in our
lives. Imagine having to change your parents every year, every two years, every three years to change your siblings every so often. What type of a life would that be? It would be chaotic, you'd find that people would probably go senile, and that's what's happening psychologically, it is destroying the human being, man or woman. It is. So Islam says, Look, if you want to be with this woman, you got to care for her. And you got to give her her rights, you got to give you your rights, and it's on in a legitimate way, the way that God wants you to do it, is that correct? It is and I'll tell you, if you can understand these things from an intellectual perspective, when you add the
element of God of his teachings, it just enhances it takes it spiritually to a level that otherwise you could have never imagined. Now, instead of the act of you caring for your wife being something that's just this natural need, it becomes an act of worship, that the wife serving, for example, in the home with the husband with kids, it doesn't become this burden, it becomes an act of worship. It's something that elevates one status with God. It's a fulfillment of spiritual joy that makes a person feel so significant now, because it's no longer this duty. And it's not just rules and roles and these dry, you know, personalities of things that you have to do this. And I have to do that a
transaction, like a job becomes a mission. And part of that mission is realizing that now you are not alone. And that everything that you do for the other person where you help to make their life all the more enjoyable, where you help to bring the best out of them, where you help to nurture and cultivate in that relationship in that family with the children, a human being that's going to be proud of themselves, and be beneficial to others where others are gonna find them an asset ages takes things to a level that could have mother never otherwise had been recognized. so eloquently put. We're here with marshman Dean, talking about marriage. In Mom, you got the Muslim, the one who
has chosen to submit and surrender to one God, worshipping Him alone on his terms. He's established a relationship with his creator. He doesn't worship a man hasn't worship an animal. He's worshiping the one who created everything in his universe. And he's established a prayer five times a day and everything that comes along, but I meet some brothers now.
I asked him out, brother. Hey, how you doing? You got married yet? Said Nah, brother make dua for me.
Okay, we make the do out for you. Now, we know that look. When you get in a car, you buckle your seatbelt. And you put your trust in your crater. When you cross the road. You look both ways. You put your trust in a law right? But I see these brothers they still making dua, but they ain't doing the action. Two years later, some brothers literally Three years later, I'm asking them did you get married it? Nah. Put this sad look on your face.
I mean, are some brothers getting cold feet? Are you procrastinating? Because three years now. Talk to us. Why our it seems like some of the Muslims who are even doing Islam to do what they're supposed to do, but they run in from marriage. It seems like the action for what I'm seeing. Now you teach me from saying something mistake, but from what I'm observing. Many brothers are hesitating. They're not putting themselves out there doing the legwork, because it's not easy. Doing the legwork to get married. We want to encourage them after this show that they're going to be a little more effective.
asterik go knock on some doors, not literally, but you know, we'll make some phone calls, go to the masjid and rub shoulders with you maybe, and rub shoulders with the other people in the Jamaat ask question. But we got so timid about this that four years later, five still, and I don't want to 10 years later, the brothers still ain't married, we and the sisters to now talk to us and give us some advice on this. No.
This enters us into the eight the the area of obstacles in marriage, the first obstacle to recognize is you yourself. Because in all honesty, if you really wanted to do something, you're going to find a way where there's a will, there's a way Absolutely, and if this relationship is sacred, most special, a blended relationship called marriage was a priority, you're going to work night and day to see that it happens. Because if you recognize the value of something, you're going to run for it, you're going to play and you're going to prepare, you're gonna do whatever you can to make sure you get it. This is why when it comes to, for example, other aspects of our lives, where people are
considered successful when it comes to their education, they've graduated high school, and they've gotten, for example, the good GPAs. And they've gotten all these nice things on your transcript. So when it comes to college, getting into the College of their choice to get into the field of their choice, and then the professions and all they've done that why because they put a value to it. They made that voluntary conscious decision and choice to say, this is something that I want, this is what I want to go for. And they made it happen by our laws blessings, okay, when it comes to marriage, the same thing.
And if they recognize the importance of marriage, then they're going to strive to make it happen. And people are basically in a position of not being married, because one they genuinely are trying, but it just hasn't worked out. And there's some issues of the obstacles or for example, maybe some conditions that they placed upon themselves that may be making it difficult. And that leads us into the field of you know, the ideal Muslim, the ideal Muslim, you know, the perfect husband and the perfect wife. Perfect and ideal is beautiful, in general, and Paradise is going to be the ultimate, ideal and perfect. But sometimes we can actually sabotage our own success when it comes to having
qualities that are not present in humans. So that's one of the things a second aspect of it.
A second aspect of it deals with external issues that limited for example, it may be that the person themselves may have a clearer idea, but the family
the family may have conditions they may have put up obstacles that are now the families making a difficult he's come to the realization he needs to do it family. We are running out of time. I gotta ask you, can we do a part two to this? This is getting very exciting. I'm not sure all ears are glued eyes are on the screen. They want to know we're gonna get into some really exciting things, how to approach the woman how to approach the man because the prophecy has seven pieces on it. He was offered marriage by some of his wives, wasn't he? So there shouldn't be no shyness in these things that the dean Not at all. Okay, we're going to talk about these things. We're going to talk
about a lot of these other issues, but we got to cut out right now. Shake marshman Diem. We're going to do part two.
And we're gonna look forward to having you back on the Dean's show. Islam is a perfect, complete way of life. It's total surrender and submission to the Creator of the heavens and earth. We're talking about marriage. Stay tuned. We're going to have Part Two with Mr. Spend Diem here on the deen show. We'll see you next time have Salaam Alaikum peace
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