Marriage Advice

share this pageShare Page
Said Rageah

Channel: Said Rageah

Episode Notes

Sheikh Said Rageah talking to the Youth about marriage at Al Furqan Centre (MSICT)

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:03--> 00:00:10

smilla rahmanir rahim Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah Kareem says you know when he you know Mohammed was early he was so heavy I mean

00:00:14--> 00:00:26

my dear brothers, sisters and sisters May Allah Subhana Allah reward you first of all and I just want to say thank you to shift up the battery Yeah.

00:00:28--> 00:00:33

When I travel around with the other speakers and we go around

00:00:35--> 00:00:44

you know, you see different personalities you know, speakers and she you they also like everyone else some of them very rigid,

00:00:45--> 00:00:54

very, you know, military type, they don't want to move left and right this is what you promised me this is what I want and all that

00:00:55--> 00:01:08

some of them you know carefree some of them very accommodating very nice, they will you know bend backwards just to make sure that things are done.

00:01:09--> 00:01:19

And you know, one of the people that I always always enjoy his company I always like to be with him shut up the band.

00:01:20--> 00:01:35

very easygoing, CIF is a chef give a lecture right now inshallah. Let us go inshallah. larysa stanier insha Allah, let us eat inshallah everything Masha, Allah, Allah, Allah. And that is a quality of a movement.

00:01:36--> 00:02:23

And that's the abunda Tamia, he said, you know, some of the friendship, you know, some of the friends that you have, they like flies, you know, little flies, what does it fly does, what do they do in general, the fly will come and fly all over you. And they will only land when the hurts, you have a little cut, that's where they're gonna land on it. So they're good friends. Others is like this earth that you walk for Allah subhana wa, la luna in an EBD k for hollyford. Where it is summer in K Philadelphia, where he didn't give any k for nasima. We're in an hourly pay for some of the people very, very high in Li and he's he's always there for you. And one of them is Chef Abdul very

00:02:23--> 00:02:33

yummy, Allah bless him. I'm saying this because he's not here. And it's perfectly fine to praise somebody who is absent because it is not something to do. So.

00:02:34--> 00:02:44

Today, I gave a lecture in Somalia in defending you guys fighting for you guys. So you know, you should pay me for that inshallah.

00:02:45--> 00:02:51

I was telling the parents, you know, the issues that you guys having, getting married.

00:02:53--> 00:02:56

I spoke on your behalf. And I hope, I hope

00:02:57--> 00:03:03

that none of the parents are listening. And I hope that you also appreciate that.

00:03:05--> 00:03:57

I divided things into few but a few points, some points concerning the parents, mother and a father, some concerning the sisters. And also another point concerning the brothers. And I want to you know, mentioned to you what I said. And I said to them, and I will say to you that number one, when Allah was talking about marriage, I'm talking about you know, us being together husband and wife. Allah refer that as one of his greatest is women, Aya T. And Jana Lockman. unfussy as Raja is a form that is overlord that he made you pairs husband and wife. This is from the ayatollah, this is from the blessings of Allah, that marriage happens between husband and wife in Allah subhanho wa Taala set in

00:03:57--> 00:04:18

the Quran. Also, last panel with data mentioned in the Quran, it is from the Sunnah of the NBA. When Allah when Allah subhanahu salamin public was known as Rajan was, yeah, Mohammed we indeed have sent messengers and before you and we gave them wives and children and grandchildren.

00:04:19--> 00:04:32

And whenever you saw the long run, he was selling them used to encourage the young people and he used to say, Masha Shiva, young men and women, Minister, especially to the men minister,

00:04:33--> 00:04:54

at affiliate, so what if you capable of getting married, get married as soon as you can. And then he mentioned the benefits of marriage, the benefits of marriage and he said, for those of you who cannot afford to get married, then let them fast. Let them you know, continuously shala be fasting until they get married

00:04:57--> 00:04:59

in my observation,

00:05:00--> 00:05:05

You guys have to deal with multiple barriers, multiple issues.

00:05:07--> 00:05:07

One,

00:05:09--> 00:05:23

I believe, from my point of view, some of the fathers, they not playing up to their parts, and not playing after being a part of being a father, for the sons and fathers, for the for the daughters.

00:05:25--> 00:05:26

Like look

00:05:27--> 00:05:45

islamically will always tell you, boys don't talk to the girls, am I right? Even though you do, and we tell them girls and don't talk to the boys, you also do that, you know, what we tell you that we don't give you a tenant if we don't give you the option.

00:05:46--> 00:05:48

And how many young people came to

00:05:49--> 00:05:56

you telling me not to talk to her? you telling me not to talk to him for the sisters? And then how am I going to ever get married?

00:05:57--> 00:06:18

You know, they messaged you saying this answers for the brothers that interest for the sisters in East and West don't see each other with each other be let you know lower your gaze don't do so how else would I find the suitable mate is suitable? Why the suitable husband? And that is legit in question. You absolutely have every right to ask that question.

00:06:20--> 00:06:47

Now, as far as a parent, it is indeed the responsibility of the Father and special of the father and the mother to facilitate these situations for you. Not arranged marriage. Don't get me Don't get me wrong. Not arranged marriage, but to facilitate. For example, I'm just saying for example,

00:06:48--> 00:06:50

if I find a young man

00:06:51--> 00:07:20

if a father finds a young man Mashallah he's good in his Deen is good. His love is good. Masha light comes to the masjid, he's doing his education or he already finishes education. And he has a nice job, he's driving a nice car is responsible. You see him, you know, volunteering a domestic you see him doing a lot of like, every Father will love to have that young man, husband of his daughter.

00:07:21--> 00:07:37

What I can do as a father is to go to my daughter that I think is ready, she's ready for marriage. And it says, sweetie, I have this, you know, young man, and he's good in every way. Would you like to consider? That's the jobs of the farm?

00:07:39--> 00:07:46

And if the citizen if she says, Okay, I don't mind that I can show you from a distance. They say, Well, look,

00:07:47--> 00:07:49

that little guy that is the one that I'm talking about.

00:07:51--> 00:08:02

You know, that one, you know, with the afro is the one who's hitting, you know, that's, and then she said, Oh, I wouldn't be like, I don't want to, you know, you know, or she said, I don't know, Daddy, and that means she wants to him.

00:08:03--> 00:08:30

Right then have to facilitate. As a father, I have the facility. You know, maybe I will bring this young man if she was not, she's, she couldn't look at him very well. I can say, you know, come on, you know, I want to invite you into my house, not telling him anything. I'm just saying I'm just, you know, throwing ideas there. I can invite him to my house. I can say you know, have some lunch, have he you know, come for a cup of tea, a cup of coffee. And then she can see him from distance.

00:08:32--> 00:08:37

And if she says, thumbs up, in good to go, and I can approach him.

00:08:38--> 00:09:18

That's what I'm gonna do. What are the of law when his daughter hafsa was ready for marriage? What did he do? And we have to follow the footsteps of these people. And not only allow his daughter who was ready for marriage. So who did he go? He went through a thrombin Alpha because a flippin alpha Subhana Allah, he married two daughters of the Messenger of Allah. He was the one of the first people who made his two other senior. He also made him out to you know, the city of Medina. He is one of the mobile shooting bilgin He is the man and messenger ovilus in Milan, he gotta stay. Even Monica will feel shy when the presence of

00:09:19--> 00:09:22

Athena alpha, he has so many minutes.

00:09:23--> 00:09:28

So he said, Well, this man is the most suitable for my daughter. That was his first pick.

00:09:29--> 00:09:38

So he went to Earth moon Earth man, my daughter house is ready for marriage. Would you like and I guarantee you that that was that conversation would have so was already done.

00:09:39--> 00:09:59

Sweetie, I have somebody you know, she was a man said he thought about he said no, I don't want it. Thank you very much. May Allah bless you, but I don't. I'm not interested in getting married now. And then who did he go to? According to him, the next best person was abubaker si de hora de la we know about abubaker

00:10:00--> 00:10:24

And then when he went over buckaroo, our worker, he just said, Okay. And he kept quiet. And he said, and I took it to my heart, and I took it the wrong way. When I found was man enough to say, thank you very much for the offer, but I don't want your daughter. You on the other hand, I will bucha you just hear what I said. No, yes. No, no, no, nothing, no responding, you walked away.

00:10:25--> 00:10:38

And then of course, who came to propose to house was Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and then abubaker? He said, Omar, let me talk to you. You know what happened? I heard the Messenger of Allah mentioning her.

00:10:39--> 00:11:08

And I didn't want to expose the secrets of Rasulullah. And I didn't want to say yes or no to you. I don't want to be to click on the quick on the trigger. So what I did I waited. And I was waiting. If there are soula says, Yes, I'm going to propose to her, then I will back off as I did. Or if he said no, then I would have said to you, yes, I'm willing to marry your daughter. Thank you for the offers, like alive. So as a father, I'm just in the role of the Father, the father's Their job is to filter.

00:11:09--> 00:11:44

And I tell you sisters, don't ever undermine the role of the fathers. You got assistance that you may think your father is dictating you what to do, what not to do, who to be with is not to be with us. Oh my god. No, no, no, no, you're not choosing a husband for me. You know, I know what I want. Yeah, you don't even know what I like. Trust me. Most of the young ladies that get divorced, got divorced, that I dealt with, you know, I listened to their stories. I listen, I listen. And I asked the first question. I said,

00:11:45--> 00:11:49

was your father involved with the process?

00:11:50--> 00:11:52

90% of them say no,

00:11:53--> 00:12:10

no, because they fought this old man. You know, he knows how to go to coffee shop. You know, he knows how to talk about the Somali politics. For example, He knows how to No, no, no, no one comes to marriage and choosing the right you know, niggers the same.

00:12:16--> 00:12:16

Right?

00:12:17--> 00:12:24

But when it comes to reality, the purpose of the father's is to filter these guys will come in to you.

00:12:26--> 00:12:36

They have to filter and that's what I saw loss of a loved one. He was telling me he said Listen, if a person comes to you, and he has two things, as dean and character,

00:12:38--> 00:12:39

two different things

00:12:40--> 00:12:57

has been the means. You know, he comes for Salatin frigid, he comes for Russia, he goes for hygiene or he can you know he is Mashallah You know, he lowers his gaze, he you can see Dean you know, inside out of this person. That's good. Mashallah Tabata cola.

00:12:58--> 00:13:14

And that every man who has Dean My dear sisters, has manners or you can be a good husband. That's not the case. Dean is one thing that azula was so precise. He said Dean and manners so hope are telling you what it means in error.

00:13:15--> 00:13:21

But then, like I told you, I'm sorry, Miss Hudson Levy, Hades Abdullah, in

00:13:25--> 00:13:34

the long run and this lady she came to him and she said, Yeah, immediately meaning this man by the name as Zubaydah. Now how many of you knows

00:13:36--> 00:13:38

how many of you guys don't know is

00:13:40--> 00:13:40

in Nigeria.

00:13:43--> 00:13:44

And you want to get married.

00:13:45--> 00:14:17

zevalin was the cousin of Rasulullah sallallahu. But that's not sufficient. So the law it was him. But it was one of the few people first few people who accepted Islam. As soon as our bucket became a Muslim era, so what should I do? He said well call people to Islam. He first six people that he brought, one of them was available now. And his mother is a figment of the pipe, which means he's a cousin of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he was one of the Ashura MOBA, Shireen bilgin.

00:14:18--> 00:14:42

One of the 10 Sahaba Dan received the titles of agenda. That should be enough the man has been and he was one of the greatest Mujahideen he's setting up the life and I'm gonna, I'm gonna live in Israel when I was young. He said, My father is the one that were at the time of war when things got very heated. You know, people used to put armors to protect themselves and on metal. He said, No, no, my father used to go topless.

00:14:43--> 00:14:59

You know, he used to expose his body to the swords, and he says sometimes with my little hand, I used to put my hands where the wounds were and they used to fit after Of course, after they got here, he said, You know, I can still see the head. They know this the what I call the marks of the sword

00:15:00--> 00:15:02

So this is this man is a Sahabi.

00:15:03--> 00:15:21

And he is not only Sahabi asharam abortion and he's only that that is a Mahajan. So he said, Yeah, ameerul momineen. This man has really been the one came to propose to me. Well, you know what he said, on an behera Judah, he's a wonderful man. Don't marry him.

00:15:22--> 00:15:31

Don't marry him. Why? Because he was harsh on a man, they said he was harsh dealing with women.

00:15:32--> 00:15:36

Why? Because he was raised by his mother, Sophia.

00:15:37--> 00:15:40

And Sophia, she was extremely toughly.

00:15:42--> 00:15:49

And when the kids when he was a little baby, and it comes home running, and also also beat me up, she would beat him against the go back and beat him up again.

00:15:50--> 00:16:01

Go back and beat that kid. So she was a tough lady. So she does how he knows because he was not raised by his father. So only he knows, you know, tough mother.

00:16:02--> 00:16:14

And that's what hollow comes hollow, it means, you know, it could be manners could be attitude, it could be way of you know, life, see, a person may have a good deal, but it could be stingy.

00:16:15--> 00:16:40

A person may have a good deal, but quick temper, a person may have a good deal, you know, but he has, you know, other things. So the messenger over law said, Hey, fathers, when somebody comes to you, check his Dean and check his manners. So Young lady, every young man comes to you, when they come to you, they're not gonna show you that they stingy.

00:16:42--> 00:16:50

They're not gonna show it to you that they, you know, quick temper, and they have that attitude that they have, you won't see that that is for the father to see.

00:16:51--> 00:17:18

So you need to understand, give your father the due respect, let him do his job. And when he filters that, then you can proceed and do whatever you want to do after that in valuation. So the fathers, you know, you as young people, number one, you got to give your parents a chance. Now, other thing comes to the mothers, which is another point, when it comes to mothers and boys, you should know this.

00:17:19--> 00:17:38

Mothers, by the way, they will never think any of you is good for their daughters, you know that no mother would ever say, Oh, this is a young man, Mashallah, he does this. He's a perfect husband for my daughter. She would always say, my daughter deserves better than you.

00:17:40--> 00:17:49

My daughter can get married to someone better than you. In her mind. Her mother daughter is the best is her line of dystonia.

00:17:50--> 00:18:06

Right. And you're in your mind is like, shall I marry this one? Again? Shall the next one, and then the third one. And then the fourth one. And then you Charlotte line? I want to marry 100 wives. And the mother is thing? No, no, no, no, no, he can't even handle my daughter

00:18:07--> 00:18:14

to different perspective of things, to different things. So you got to understand the role of mothers and the fathers.

00:18:16--> 00:18:22

I want to talk about some of your struggle that I faced with, that I'm familiar with.

00:18:23--> 00:18:45

And I'm going to speak about the issues that young men have with young ladies. Not in particular in a particularly in this place. But wherever I go, trust me is identical issue is a blueprint. So I'll tell you that some of the issue that young people have or young men have with young ladies,

00:18:46--> 00:18:54

first of the thing is young men, a lot of them they think it is too expensive to get married.

00:18:55--> 00:18:58

Especially if you're Samani. miskeen

00:19:00--> 00:19:00

because

00:19:02--> 00:19:04

my hair is one thing one event,

00:19:05--> 00:19:12

which is you know in the cast one event, then a wedding is another event. There's a good batch you know about it.

00:19:13--> 00:19:16

You guys don't know about these fish and chips.

00:19:18--> 00:19:19

You guys know what the batteries.

00:19:21--> 00:19:32

Combat is like in Somali culture. Like, if you're getting married, you know, you're you have to give the eldest of your tribe some cash,

00:19:33--> 00:19:34

not to come.

00:19:35--> 00:19:58

But you give cash and you say listen, and what they do, they will take this cash. And they will say to the other tribe, from the young lady that you marry, and they say, We want you to marry us married our son, your daughter. And according to the book of Allah, and this is the gift from the tribe who paid the gift came out of your pocket.

00:20:00--> 00:20:14

And then that they take that money, and the other tribe will bring somebody some some amount back, but they were sharing 5050. So what happens to that money? You go, they go back, and they give back to the community.

00:20:15--> 00:20:41

So they give 20 pounds here, 20 pounds in Canada $20 $20 $20. And then then a few $100 in their pockets. That's what it is and the guy that the guys would do this. So here's some money, you got it. So the young man is saying, I have to run this place. I have to do this. I have to have this amount of money. I have to buy the best furniture. I have to you know, get a flat in in the best neighborhood. I got to do this. A lot of expensive.

00:20:43--> 00:20:51

And also, some young ladies, they have issue they call in Mayor because I'm Atlanta.

00:20:53--> 00:20:58

Mayor, they have Manhattan. So they say, Okay, I want my man. I want my daughter.

00:21:00--> 00:21:03

And the sisters will say the Rosary. How much

00:21:04--> 00:21:05

$50,000.

00:21:07--> 00:21:10

you joking? You think I'm joking? Well, I am not

00:21:11--> 00:21:17

one of the young lady. She said I want $50,000. I said, sister, he's not buying a car.

00:21:20--> 00:21:36

It's just getting married to you. 50,000. Yeah. And then she says no, no, no, no, he can pay me some right now. He can give me 5000 cash right now. And then 45 in case of divorce, that's a security right? That's insurance money.

00:21:38--> 00:21:40

As insurance money, I liability.

00:21:42--> 00:21:50

liability. Well, wait a second. So it's me. So she's literally saying, you know, I dare you to divorce me.

00:21:51--> 00:21:55

Because if you ever think of divorcing me, you got to pay me 240 5000 pounds.

00:21:56--> 00:22:08

And everybody's like, no way. So young guys is like, I don't know, you know, what if I don't like her, what if we don't get along? I have to pay $45,000. That's a lot of money.

00:22:09--> 00:22:13

So young people suddenly say Listen, I'll wait.

00:22:14--> 00:22:40

And wait and ask those who say I'll wait. And I will I will fast and avoid how long as someone like you. But those other people they will go to shisha and they were smoking lol shisha. And they will go coffee shop. And they will show me We'll talk about say hello Buhari. And they will go to a movie on Friday and they will resort to the movies in the cinema. You know, they will do all that.

00:22:41--> 00:23:09

But the truth of the matter is, you know, some, a lot of problems comes out of them. So that's one issue. But remember how this energy is so long, Ronnie, he was selling this for young ladies. The Prophet said, The Baraka in those young ladies is those who make the process of engagement easy. They don't complicate. The process of asking for her hand is easy.

00:23:10--> 00:23:19

And the expenses of the wedding is little. If you have these two things, sisters, then Allah promised you to put Baraka in your marriage.

00:23:21--> 00:24:02

Baraka, what do you want? You want a lot to bless your marriage Am I right? Everybody wants that. So if you want Baraka formula, well make the process easy. And as an as a little, you know, on my own in a shop which means don't overburden the person who came to marry you. Don't make a difficult your mother she didn't make a difficult and I know a lot of young ladies what a lot. A lot of them most of them. They said I don't want to do any of these but my mother is making me do it. My mother wants this. And the mothers, they want to have a wedding that they miss. They want to relive their own wedding through their daughters.

00:24:04--> 00:24:05

Massimino

00:24:06--> 00:24:22

my mother didn't do this for me. So we'll have to do it for you. So the mother things I have seen all different types of marriage. I have seen so and so's daughter. I have seen so and so's daughter. The best marriage is this. This is what I would like for myself.

00:24:23--> 00:24:25

The second issue

00:24:26--> 00:24:29

that the young people have young men

00:24:30--> 00:24:44

is they say a lot of sisters. They wear hijab, they come to the masjid. They press along with us. They have hella hot, but inside

00:24:46--> 00:24:48

they are not really what they say.

00:24:49--> 00:24:55

And the first thing about in in their mind and heart is feminist movement.

00:24:56--> 00:24:59

They think men abusing them.

00:25:00--> 00:25:16

Men are taking away their house. And they Yeah, they may look like us, the brothers and brothers and they may look like us. But it's nothing but a feminist movement, you know, really being out of their speech, and out of their eyes. And that is a problem.

00:25:17--> 00:25:44

That's the problem. A lot of young ladies, they think, what this what the things that has been taught in the universities, the education that they getting from this, you know, different countries, that's telling them, you've been abused in a fight men, be better than them, be like them be this say, you know, this man, I don't want him to restrict me and a lot of young people who say, yeah, you know, I don't know, who is the husband, who's the wife.

00:25:45--> 00:25:48

She recounted in college, she's reading the past, you know what I mean? I

00:25:49--> 00:26:08

mean, she is the boss. No, she's the one was doing. And he's a listen, if I'm the husband, and the husband, I have my role. And she's the wife. Why, you know, she's trying to take and switch roles, or why she wants to put, you know, you know, over to overtake both roles, which is not right.

00:26:10--> 00:26:24

And you have to understand a loss of Hannah with data gave sisters they have, you don't need any professor to tell you that you don't need a feminist movements to tell you that Allah already gave you the app.

00:26:25--> 00:26:33

I was looking at one of the passports, you know, you know, when you bought on the city with your friends, and let me see a passport, and I'm checking the page. And

00:26:34--> 00:26:46

it was saying, I think it was 19 something in his country. In 19, something the page says in 19, something in that particular country.

00:26:48--> 00:26:51

He was recognized women as a person.

00:26:52--> 00:26:58

They recognize women as persons as a human being. I was just yesterday it is.

00:27:00--> 00:27:18

In France, in 1914 1914, women were before the women were not were never allowed to own any properties in the property. You can own a, you know, a horse, she she was not allowed to own, you know, a farm, none of them.

00:27:19--> 00:27:29

None of that. And if even if the father dies, and he leaves everything for his daughter, her husband when she's married husband is taking everything that has happened.

00:27:31--> 00:27:34

This was only 1914.

00:27:35--> 00:27:36

You know, it wasn't long ago.

00:27:37--> 00:27:59

Look, I mean, talking about through history, but look, you know, Allah and peran gave sisters their help, and maybe use a little longer it was send them gave women their app. So for us citizens to speak like these women, or this feminist movement, and say, We want this we want this, Hey, wait a second, have you ever asked if this is your happen?

00:28:01--> 00:28:08

One of the things for example, that is illegal in my in my country, is something called spousal support, you know what that means?

00:28:10--> 00:28:10

Do you guys have

00:28:11--> 00:28:19

spousal support it means if a husband and wife they married, and they got divorce, the wife

00:28:20--> 00:28:25

will get a portion of his money every month.

00:28:27--> 00:28:34

So basically, every month he has to pay her that much islamically after the ADA is done,

00:28:36--> 00:29:09

but they say no, this is the right of the so if whatever rise that they say is based on the Quran and Sunnah we say 100. If it's not, then we should not, I'm not saying we should not implement that. I'm not saying husband and wife should not talk to each other should not work together. That's not what I'm saying. But the fear of these young men, young men, they said, you know, when we married a sister, she is not what she looks like. That a job that jilbab is only skin off in a hijab are called deep

00:29:10--> 00:29:13

under that hijab, she's another person

00:29:14--> 00:29:17

under that hijab, she's like any other non Muslim lady.

00:29:18--> 00:29:23

And I mean, you know, asking things that is not hair, right?

00:29:24--> 00:29:40

So if you want to live Islamic life, you want to live in the Muslim household if you want to create that, that we have Islamic Deen we have the Muslim de dinero listener that can tells you the half of the rights of the husband and the rights of the wife. The third thing

00:29:41--> 00:29:48

that the young men are facing also, I think this one is common between YouTube and that is

00:29:50--> 00:29:51

parents.

00:29:52--> 00:29:59

They interfere with the marriage, and especially young people always young men for more than young ladies

00:30:00--> 00:30:17

So when they get married, and they go and marry together husband and wife, the mothers and the fathers getting involved in their marriage, so the brothers saying, she's my wife, this is my kid, or my kids, why his her mother is involved with our life?

00:30:19--> 00:30:41

Why, you know, her mother should not be involved with that. And I guarantee you majority of the cases that are dealt with that enter with divorce. The second question after I said, was your father, you know, this and that. The second question is an Ask him that. Is her mother involved with the divorce? 90%? Yes.

00:30:42--> 00:31:15

90%, some of you may think, Oh, my mother wants the best thing for me. Yeah, that's true. in her mind, getting you out of that situation, getting out of is what she thinks is best for you. But you as a husband and wife, you got to learn how to live together. I'm not saying you should ever, ever entertain abuse. But I'm saying you guys got to learn how to live together. And I always say marriage is like learning how to drive. How many of you can drive

00:31:17--> 00:31:21

in Nadella? Whenever you guys have no vehicles in UK.

00:31:23--> 00:31:25

How many of you over 16

00:31:26--> 00:31:28

all of you and you still don't drive.

00:31:29--> 00:31:37

In Canada by the age of 16. They get drive because the first anyway. But for those of you guys don't know how to drive, you know,

00:31:38--> 00:32:25

this driving is like this, you know, when you're learning how to drive, sometimes you hit the brake the wrong time, and accelerate the wrong time. And you signal the wrong direction. And you know, and but, but when you learn how to drive, it will become very natural. You can be on your phone, in Start the car, you shift, you move, and you go on, you're at the mercy, you don't know how you got there. Right? mirrors like that. You got to learn, you got to give it its time, husband and wife have to learn how to live together. Because whatever personality that you showed her or you showed him is not the true personality until you know, it's not the true personality of you. He can only

00:32:25--> 00:32:29

experience the true personality when you guys live together.

00:32:30--> 00:33:04

When you don't like where she put her toothbrush, you know, when you don't like when he leaves his socks, or under under the door. You don't like little things like that. And then that caused friction and fights. So you got to give yourself time. So what do you do, I always ask people to do two things. Number one, keep your parents away from your marriage. Both of them because each one's Oh my God, I gotta protect my daughter, oh, my God, the other ladies involved. I got to save my son, and then you become the victim.

00:33:05--> 00:33:28

You become the casualty of that war. So what do you do? Don't get them involved. I were asked to go to an email, go to a counselor before you let any of your parents know. Especially if they you think they won't be rational, and they will be emotional. But the second thing that I always give them advice about don't have kids.

00:33:30--> 00:33:30

Yeah.

00:33:31--> 00:33:35

No kids. For the first two three years.

00:33:37--> 00:33:42

No case, I'll tell you why. Because when a sister gets pregnant,

00:33:43--> 00:33:45

she's no longer the same person.

00:33:47--> 00:33:48

She's a Lyoness

00:33:49--> 00:33:56

she will devour you alive. She will kill you. That was the limit for the little things. She is no longer even herself.

00:33:57--> 00:34:04

You know, her emotions are completely different. You know, is it and you think is a she used to be sweet?

00:34:05--> 00:34:11

She used to smell nice. No, she used to be this What happened? You know? Well, she's pregnant.

00:34:13--> 00:34:46

You know, you don't know her personality long enough to say, Well, this is not my wife change only happen after she became pregnant. So I understand what she's going to go through. So the first four months, five months, I'll be patient because after that they will be normal last three months is the only concern about pains and or worries about labor and things like that. And the net emotion. That's how a lot create the most women, most women. So as a young man who have no experience in marriage, when you see the change that is happening is man I can't deal with this.

00:34:47--> 00:34:49

I'm gonna go to hell rush.

00:34:53--> 00:34:54

You go to your friends.

00:34:56--> 00:35:00

I'm gonna have fun I'm gonna go play ball and I'm gonna have you not I can't deal with this.

00:35:00--> 00:35:02

She's a completely different person.

00:35:03--> 00:35:49

So minus he had to orient people until it No I you settle you're comfortable with her personality. She's comfortable with your with your personality. Don't rush having kids. I love kids, by the way. I really do. I love kids. But I would not in and I know you all do, at least most of you. But I will say do not have kids right away, because you really still do not know each other well enough. 75% of the divorce happens first two years, first, first year, second year 75%, which means the chemistry, it could be there, but you didn't give enough time.

00:35:50--> 00:35:51

You didn't give enough time.

00:35:53--> 00:35:56

The problem now let's talk about the problem that young ladies have

00:35:58--> 00:36:09

the problem the young ladies which is true. They have is they don't find compatible enough compatible young men to choose for

00:36:10--> 00:36:29

most of the girls, I want to Dubai, I want to say I want to everywhere, Denmark, you know, you name it. I want everywhere in the world to crema everywhere. And everywhere I go universities, you know, sisters, they do better than they are doing better than boys.

00:36:31--> 00:36:58

In terms of Dean's sisters are doing much better than boys in general. In terms of education, same thing, in terms of being focused, they always do better than boys almost always do better than boys. So when this young lady she did very well in his schooling, the she has a job, you know, but the person who is inherit her age bracket, he's still struggling with basics.

00:36:59--> 00:37:43

And one of the reasons I mentioned this today, most of young people are not smart enough. And they say after they finish, we call it high school. He has called he called college before University. And before they say I'll take a year off, how many of you heard that? take a year off, I want to take a year off. Most girls, they don't do that. They just Okay, let me do it once for finish. So by the time she's already, you know, she established the education education. So she may have a good job, the husband or the young man that she could be married, is struggling with basics of this life. So the sisters, they say, we don't find inner compatibility in these, you know, ah, what should we

00:37:43--> 00:37:53

do either have to marry someone who's a lot older than I or God find person, I really have to struggle finding that person. And that may take time.

00:37:55--> 00:37:56

And that is so true.

00:37:57--> 00:38:11

That's so true. Boys. You don't show and I'm not necessarily saying you but I'm saying boys in general, they don't show the responsibility towards that. And the way if he steps behind girls.

00:38:12--> 00:38:13

And hey,

00:38:14--> 00:38:34

most of the most of you are right here from different countries, your parents immigrated here or the immigrant, whatever reason, you have your own culture. And most of your culture is telling you dictating that you can only marry from your own people. Why right?

00:38:36--> 00:38:47

That's why I always make fun of Somalis because someone Somali, he can enter Somalia, he can bring me a Somali guy, bring me a Somali guy. And then after she brings us a money guy, what tribe is he from?

00:38:49--> 00:39:29

And then when she passed that stage in she No, no, no, we don't want this. We don't want that. So you still have that. So to find, see, the pool is already not there's not enough fish in that, you know, pool. So when the sister wants to marry, she has to go to Somali community, for example. And from that Somali community, she cannot marry from this tribe from that tribe, she has to only limit ourselves to a smaller pool. And then from that smaller pool, she has to find someone on the smaller pool. And then from that smaller pool, she has to find someone who has you know, decent education was responsible and so on. So the pool is getting smaller and smaller, smaller, smaller.

00:39:30--> 00:39:31

And that's not fair for them.

00:39:33--> 00:39:34

That's not fair.

00:39:35--> 00:39:36

So

00:39:37--> 00:39:38

what is the solution?

00:39:40--> 00:39:47

What are the solutions? Number one, I don't know if you guys can really come up with solutions because you guys

00:39:48--> 00:39:52

could be maybe some of the best kids in town.

00:39:53--> 00:39:56

But this troubleshooting is very challenging.

00:39:58--> 00:39:59

And my solution sometimes

00:40:00--> 00:40:28

Doesn't please the parents sometimes may not please you. So, I want you guys to think about something that you can do insha Allah subhanho wa Taala through the discussion and that's what I want to open the floor for discussion, inshallah. And I guess, please don't get me Don't ask me. Righteous questions. Well, righteous questions mean, you know, a perfect Muslim question. You don't tell me the truth is a chef, a harmonica is pmln.

00:40:30--> 00:40:31

You ever pray your son?

00:40:32--> 00:40:34

Don't ask me about the MLA.

00:40:35--> 00:40:40

So asked me a real question that I can deal with. Now a righteous question.

00:40:41--> 00:40:41

Now,

00:40:42--> 00:40:45

we'll stop here, inshallah. And I want to hear from you.

00:40:55--> 00:40:56

Right.

00:41:02--> 00:41:09

The brother said on he's absolutely right. He said, you mentioned that you said we should not have kids right away.

00:41:10--> 00:41:27

And the Messenger of Allah, he said, there's no way you'd want to do marry women who are widowed who can bear children, and will do what loving, you know, they are caring, they show affection, they show love, and so that, but I didn't say don't have children.

00:41:28--> 00:41:54

I said, to maintain your marriage. And to make sure that you don't fail in this marriage, you have to have take this measurement. And the environment of the Sahaba is different than our environment. Here, everyone around you, they have boyfriends and girlfriends. You know, marriage them just a piece of paper, nothing, you will not add anything or take anything away from their relationship.

00:41:56--> 00:42:14

We're in a Muslim country, and that time, marriage is completely was a different platform. It's completely different. So and the community, they knew exactly what to do. And even at the time of Sahaba, there was divorce, yet there was no there was not a single single person.

00:42:15--> 00:42:42

Every Sahabi even so heavier, she got divorced. So how about we wait for it is over in tense hobbies were come proposed to her, this young man, he divorced his wife, he had another 10 savea waiting for him to get married. So there was no single mothers, there was no single ladies. That's why a lot of it was sudden them almost all his wife, they were single mothers. They were mothers, you know, children. Except

00:42:43--> 00:42:56

even hadiya she had children. So but I'm not saying don't have children. I'm saying you know, wait until you stabilize, stabilize your relationship. And then you move forward. Now

00:43:01--> 00:43:06

I can't see you. So forgive me if you raise your hand first. But I saw this young man first. So I'll take you in second.

00:43:16--> 00:43:51

Trust me, you know, I was I remember before, you know, I was not married. No experience. You know, me and other five fools. We got together and say we want we want to get married who want to get married and we all got excited. We all got excited. And there was a way in a messy sitting in a masala I see. masala, sitting in a masala we were five, I think six of us. And we were like, I want to get married. I want to get married. I want to get married. Do you know anybody know? Do you know anybody know? You know, losers. So what happened was

00:43:52--> 00:44:02

we were sitting here talking to each other. And then I say, Okay, what do you what would you like in in assessing case I find five of them. Because the first one is mine.

00:44:04--> 00:44:11

So we'll so he said I want to be hafler I want to be this and this and you know I want to be skinny. I want

00:44:12--> 00:44:20

this Pakistani old man sitting right here during his digit towards the Qibla sofala. And I think he had enough with us.

00:44:21--> 00:44:22

And he just came and said

00:44:23--> 00:44:33

it's an old man, old man with gray hair sitting in the machine. And I don't know if he if he was doing vikita for a loss. We just run away from home but he was with us and

00:44:35--> 00:44:48

he ran away from his wife. So he said brothers say women before marriage, they all have it. They all beautiful. They're all nice after marriage. Allah knows best season.

00:44:50--> 00:44:59

And I will say the same thing about boys girls. Before marriage. They are nice. They are sensitive. They are romantic they all this after marriage will lie. They will

00:45:00--> 00:45:10

There's a lot of them. But you got to be careful. So before what do you do ask around. That's why it's important to get your parents involved.

00:45:11--> 00:45:57

See, mothers will only know can really they will tell you the nature of only women can tell you the nature of women, and only man can tell you the nature of me. So you need some people to get involved. So if your mother, your sisters, your sister in law, somebody has to check her out club manners, you know, where Who? Who are her friends? Where does she go all of this and the same thing for for boys for CES, you want to marry somebody, some male members of your family have to get involved with that purse. And don't say I asked the man. That's the one thing to do. Don't say we asked the man a man knows him. Because what does the Imam know of the muscling they come, they pray

00:45:57--> 00:45:58

behind him and they leave.

00:45:59--> 00:46:05

Nobody knows what they do when when they leave the masjid know the man cannot tell you that. So

00:46:06--> 00:46:08

usually you check the friends.

00:46:09--> 00:46:45

You check the parent relationship and by the way, your parents, your father, your parents in law, very crucial. Now, don't ever say I'm marrying him or marrying his parent. I'm marrying her. I'm not marrying her parents. That's a mistake that you guys make. That's the mistake you may don't do that. The other thing is, if you find faults in the system or in the Brother, don't say insha Allah, we will learn together we will improve our email together, we will struggle together No.

00:46:47--> 00:47:01

The only struggle that you're going to have is towards jahannam if she's not the right person, trust me it would be no struggle. So this is when you marry with a person basically that is the best position that he or she will be

00:47:02--> 00:47:15

in that relationship. Yes, a lot of people they grow together but when they when you hear it the all we grow together Mashallah we've been married for 40 years for 50 years, they learn how to tolerate one another.

00:47:16--> 00:47:39

They learn how not to be in their in their faces all the time, how to live together, how to be civil with one another. They do grow a lot of them change a lot. Hi guys, whoever who he wills and Allah subhana wa tada is capable of But usually, if you think she's gonna change or he's gonna change, that's one of the biggest mistake in the marriage. Now. Somebody was asking question.

00:47:43--> 00:47:45

No, please read it from here from there.

00:47:48--> 00:47:55

I don't mind that I like the one that relates to marriage. He can somebody give attention for you know, ask first question.

00:47:56--> 00:48:11

Do you have any, any more questions? Any? Yes. While while the sister is asking her question, you can filter the questions and put first the ones that are related to marriage. And then if you run out of that, then we can go entertain the rest. Yes, in the back.

00:48:19--> 00:48:20

way and

00:48:22--> 00:48:31

if it's someone from a different race or culture, who still Muslim but your parents don't speak their language, how would they go about

00:48:36--> 00:48:36

it?

00:48:40--> 00:48:40

Right.

00:48:42--> 00:48:53

Well, number one, you know if the parents are even Mashallah tomato color willing to entertain someone from different ways. I see. And hamdulillah No, that's it right serve as a barrier.

00:48:54--> 00:49:38

But find someone else, not necessarily your father. But it could be your brother, your siblings, it could be a cousin, it could be someone that you trust his Dean and his judgment. They don't have to be. He doesn't have to be the father. But find someone because in this case, he finds someone that you trust and your father trust. Because if he if you both trust that person, and it gives you the feedback, then you will go off that otherwise, you know, there is no your father can filter. The true personality of this person cannot know what this person is all about. Now, any more questions from the floor relate with questions that relate to America?

00:49:39--> 00:49:40

Yes.

00:49:44--> 00:49:46

One of the big issues you mentioned

00:49:50--> 00:49:59

like in Islam, like how do you deal with like the parents because obviously the mother might be like to take this amount will take this amount. How do you deal between it

00:50:01--> 00:50:49

Really, we need to re educate our parents, right? We need to re educate them. And I always say to them, we in an era where halaal is made difficult and how dumb it is, right? So for the parents to ask him or two as extra expenses is not fair, it's not fair for you. It's not fair for the young ladies. Because young ladies, they really, they mostly independent, they have the education, they have the jobs, they don't need this much money. But it is usually comes from the older generation. So you through the person that you want to marry, or the young person through young men through the person he wants to marry, that says that have to convince her parents, I don't want anything. I

00:50:49--> 00:51:32

don't want anything I want and handle, he can ask for something reasonable. But you don't have to ask for 50,000 20,000 or 10,000 or 5000. You don't have to ask that amount of money. But he asked for something that's reasonable is fine. But the sisters is the one that has to do the job when they the one will have the sisters you have to do the gentlemen say okay, I don't want this. Um, I like this guy. I like his Dean, I like his manners is responsible. I ask around, you ask the wrong, he's a good guy. Why do you have to make, you know, condition for him to pay so much money or to promise me so much money for this marriage to go through? So the sisters have to do their jobs or their

00:51:32--> 00:51:36

part? Now, in a question, yes.

00:51:48--> 00:52:21

Well, if you knew before marriage, if you knew before marriage, and you chose to be with that system, then Hamdulillah, you stay with that system? Because that's the one that you chose. Right? If you didn't know, and then later on, you know, you learned then it is your decision, as a matter of fact, if both of you if you want to stick together, and which is better choice, but you have also the other alternative choice, the [???]tier choices, or you can you know, I don't know, but that's your choice by them.

00:52:25--> 00:52:47

Question with regards to Walker? How do you find that balance? Because some people say, obviously, it's more better to ask for less, but then how to find a balance whereby you're not selling yourself kind of shoot, where he does he kind of have that respect for your nose, you have your value and your worth, but at the same time, you're not being crazy and

00:52:48--> 00:52:53

is it okay to ask for anything or is it advisable to put some kind of

00:52:57--> 00:52:58

respect to

00:52:59--> 00:53:05

see, you got to ask what is culturally known in your region or in your country?

00:53:06--> 00:53:57

So, it is let us say, the culture in Saudi for example, is different than the culture in UK. Pakistani culture is different than Palestinian culture and Lebanese culture. Lebanese culture is different from Somali culture, and within that culture in that, in that, within that culture, there's also extreme in both ends. So what that allows Erica Delica Jana for omoton was asked for something that is in your culture is moderns not too extreme. So let us say if 50,000 is extreme, $500,500 500 pounds is low, then Okay, and the culture is as 2000 3000 that's what you should do. But you also have to understand when the sister as she has so much money, you know, she's really not

00:53:57--> 00:54:36

being fair to the men who would be marrying her. And when you ask so little, well, nothing there is no limit in Sharia. But you also have to understand the respect of this man has for you is not based on how much he paid. Right is based on the you know, your deen on everything on a lot you know, this is what is based on. So, money has no relevance is not relevant here has no value here. So you don't you know, be extreme either. So Shannon, next question. What time is issued by the way?

00:54:37--> 00:54:39

Not 11 minutes is

00:54:45--> 00:54:46

no

00:54:47--> 00:54:48

next

00:54:57--> 00:54:58

I'm sorry.

00:55:03--> 00:55:04

Well,

00:55:06--> 00:55:08

number one, find someone

00:55:10--> 00:55:14

who would be a good role model for your child.

00:55:15--> 00:55:24

As very important, he has to be a good role model for your child has to be a good father. And she has to be a good mother.

00:55:26--> 00:55:33

Number two, find someone that you compatible with someone, someone that you like, the same things.

00:55:34--> 00:55:37

They always say opposites attract, that's a lie.

00:55:38--> 00:55:59

know if she likes football, and you like cricket, I don't love what you do. But anyway, in case you do, but, you know, he may not be the best. I'm not saying that. But I'm just throwing that as an example, it should not be the thing that breaks our mix, but somebody have a lot of compatibility. That is what is important. Sorry.

00:56:01--> 00:56:06

That is what is necessary for you. The other thing is, of course,

00:56:08--> 00:56:11

age sometimes plays a very important role.

00:56:13--> 00:56:29

What do you like, and a lot of young people, especially a lot of young men, and a lot of young women, I should say both of you. Sometimes when you eat man is high, you get very emotional. And you say, I don't care whether he's ugly or not. I'm marrying him for the sake of Allah.

00:56:30--> 00:56:40

Well, I i've never, and then you marry him and he looks like gorilla and Masha, Allah. And then six months, you know where the pregnancy you say, I don't I can't stand him.

00:56:41--> 00:56:42

No, first.

00:56:43--> 00:56:59

That's why he called the wife of Tabitha in case. She Sarah Salalah. I cannot follow my husband. He is generous. He's kind. He is very religious. I love everything about him. But he's too ugly.

00:57:00--> 00:57:03

I don't like I don't I'm not attracted to him at all.

00:57:04--> 00:57:06

What do you want, I want a divorce from this man.

00:57:07--> 00:57:16

A little so law said divorce her. So you have to fight you have to marry someone that you are attracted to male or female, not next to Shama.

00:57:23--> 00:57:28

Anything that would affect your marriage should be disclosed before marriage.

00:57:30--> 00:57:35

Anything I'll repeat anything that would affect your marriage.

00:57:36--> 00:57:47

You have to disclose it before marriage. If you think by the time you're the person that you choose, get to know about this, that would be the end of this marriage.

00:57:48--> 00:57:53

And he has a chance or this opportunity that he may get to know about it.

00:57:56--> 00:58:39

On what I'm talking about, if let us say maybe once upon a time, young man shoplifting, he stole a candy from a store. You know, that will not break your marriage. You know, you were young, you were stupid you are you know, and you did that it will not break your marriage. But if it's something major, then she needs to know and he needs to know. So be careful with that because a lot of young men, they bounce back from the merchants like she's know what to expect. Or he's not what to expect. So be careful with that you make sure you tell the person what matters in this marriage. And don't just go ahead with it. And later on regret, not

00:58:42--> 00:58:43

many

00:58:44--> 00:59:22

the looks, the false promises if the husband made false promises, that's the ground for divorce. Not being good husband had been not being good wife is ground for divorces this tons of reasons why people get divorced, that treatment not being a responsible parent, not caring for the family, not you know, financially supporting the family. All of those can be good reasons, you know, but at the end of the day to have someone in marriage for me and the person who's shallow we get better and there's a chance there's always that is always the better choice between

00:59:34--> 00:59:34

No

00:59:39--> 00:59:42

no, that's that's a trick of shaytan look.

00:59:43--> 00:59:46

Allah in the Quran never said don't commit Zina.

00:59:48--> 00:59:54

Never said don't commit adultery. You will not find an ayah from the Quran saying don't commit adultery.

00:59:55--> 00:59:59

But Allah said Do not be near Xena

01:00:00--> 01:00:04

What are Takara? Rosina? No, don't do it. No, don't be near it.

01:00:06--> 01:00:24

So when you in love with someone, and you talk and you meet, you know, shaytan is very, very smart, very Canadian. Next thing that, you know, just touch hands, you know, hold hands, you know, Mashallah. And then next thing that you know, the baker lahoma lobby.

01:00:25--> 01:00:27

So you don't want that, not at all.

01:00:28--> 01:00:29

Next,

01:00:37--> 01:00:41

we asked the reasons, if the reasons like religious base,

01:00:42--> 01:01:29

then you dismiss, you love them. So you, you listen to them, and you obey your parent. And you dismiss that application. If the reasons are based on race, or any other thing, then you need someone to talk to your parent, if the reasons are financial base, again, you need someone to talk to your parents, because Allah is the one the first the last two lines, the one who said the best of you, or the most honorable in the sight of Allah, or those who have most righteousness, and a loss that in the origin, if they are poor, then Allah will enrich them from his boundaries in your corner for your home and family. So it depends on the reasons why the parents may reject or object to a

01:01:29--> 01:01:55

proposal. And that is, as some of them they have the right to say no. and sisters, you have to accept that if you say you are Muslim, and you agree this Dean is the former law, then if your parents say these reasons are valid, and the sheriff says they are valid, and they asked me to dismiss the idea of marrying that person, then you got to listen to the Dean of a law.

01:02:00--> 01:02:01

agency it is.

01:02:02--> 01:02:05

I mean, it's relative, sometimes is,

01:02:06--> 01:02:17

again, I don't see h as an issue, because Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam married somebody who's older than him, and he also married someone who's younger than him, and he married in between.

01:02:18--> 01:02:31

So age is not an issue in Islam. Absolutely, it is not. And as a matter of fact, that you cannot discriminate. You cannot discriminate person because of his age.

01:02:32--> 01:03:12

And I we did once when there was an issue in America that we dealt with long, long time ago, that the Father reject the proposal because of color. And because of age, we had a modulus of an amount, we really discussed the issue. And immediately the request of the father was denied. And they performed the Nika without the approval of the Father. Because his base was this man is this color. I don't like that color. And this man, he's that age, and I don't like that age. Therefore, I don't I would never give my daughter to him. And the mom said, Grandma said, tough luck. No, next.

01:03:23--> 01:03:24

Read it again.

01:03:35--> 01:03:39

When you say loved one, you mean the one that you marry all the parent?

01:03:44--> 01:03:46

Okay, in this situation?

01:03:47--> 01:03:52

See, this is one of the things that would affect that would affect mirrors.

01:03:53--> 01:04:01

And that will also be based on the culture. Listen to me, he would affect marriage, and it would be based on the culture.

01:04:02--> 01:04:20

if you for example, no offense, please don't not No offense, don't be offended if I if you under that category. But what I noticed a lot of reverbs a lot of reverb, they don't make that a decision. They don't make a big issue.

01:04:21--> 01:04:27

Especially men, they don't they don't make that issue. They don't that's not a priority for them.

01:04:28--> 01:05:00

Whereas a snowman is for example, or out up, you know, that is a condition and even the the worse of you know of men who who was you know, they did all how dumb things he wants to marry a sister or Masha Allah, Guevara Cola, and hamdulillah Subhan. Allah was never ever touched before. So that's a cultural thing. And you may say, Well, it's not right and i agree with you 100%

01:05:00--> 01:05:30

It's not fair for him to do whatever he wanted to do before marriage, and he won a sister who is decent, that's not fair. But it's up to her to say yes or no to that. But in that situation, she has to tell him or what happened or her parents, so he won't make a issue out of it. Because when it comes out if the man doesn't fit Allah subhana wa Tada, because I've dealt with all situation. I dealt with the young man who married this young lady, and he found what he did not like.

01:05:32--> 01:05:54

And I also thought he was decent enough to say I just want a divorce. But I also found somebody who made you know, headlines, and he said, she wasn't like this, you were like this. So you don't know what kind of person is going to be. So that is one of the things that matters in a minute, meaningless without every worry when you saw Kamala and I just want to say thank you for also volunteering. We'll set our mother in law