The Love Story

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Omar Suleiman

Channel: Omar Suleiman

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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e.

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k,

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t tea

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and tea, heavy tea and tea.

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That's all of you who joined us tonight.

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First of all, I would like to make it very clear that this event has nothing to do with 14th of February. It was just that we were trying to have a man come in from last seven months. So upon law, there was the only day that he was available.

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To come all the way from Texas, we would like to thank you for coming in.

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Mama Salima is a kind hearted, friendly brother.

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The Prophet sallahu wa salam said, verily, I was filled below of her. I repeat, verily, I was filled with a love of her. And he is actually talking about it about his wife. That's how expressive profesorado salon was when it comes to love for his bikes. And she'll love to enlighten us more about this topic. Among among commercial a man will be telling us about relationships between men and women love at first sight,

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relationship before marriage, and martial rights, marital rights.

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I will request amounts of muscle man to continue to lecture inshallah.

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The final scenes plus

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hamdulillah. Welcome back, it's good to see you all again.

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I was really, really, really excited to come back because I really did miss that class. And so I'm just going to continue, I'm going to consider this an extension of that class, I'm just going to walk around, and I'm going to interact with you guys, I don't see I don't feel comfortable sitting behind the table and talking. It's extremely strange. It's almost as strange as hearing my intro.

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The kindhearted friendly diet

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I still don't get it if you guys can send a letter to a bubbler and just let them know that I'm not happy with that by I've told him that many times what they think I'm being humble, I just think it's corny.

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You know, this topic is one that obviously, I can't cover the entire topic of marriage, the entire spectrum of marriage, and just actually, I couldn't even cover it over an entire day. So what I'll try to do is I want you guys to, to answer my questions as we go along, I want you to interact, I want. And by the way, I want to have an extensive q&a session at the end. Typically, whenever we have these topics, it's you know, it's me lecturing, you know, an audience about how marriage is supposed to be and things of that sort. And there are a lot of questions, especially about the practicality aspect of things. And we don't have time for that. So this time, inshallah Tada, what I

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want to do is I want to leave, you know, an extensive amount of time, and I hope you guys will actually ask questions, and be direct about those questions, you know, about those issues that we face, so that we can properly address them in light, you know, in light of a snap. Now, there are two ways of approaching this. And either we could talk about how you should get married, or you know, and what you should look for in a spouse and things of that sort. Are we talking about marital rights, and how the relationship between the spouses should be now as far as how the relationship between the spouses should be I really, you know, I don't have time to really elaborate on that. I

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don't think,

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you know, I do think it's important, but I think it'd be more relevant to this crowd at least, to talk more about what to look for before marriage, the marriage process in Islam, the entire concept, the institution, and it's completely related to the way that the relationship is supposed to be because you look for certain things so that your marriage will be in a certain way. Okay, so we see those things manifest themselves, especially in the marriage of the prophet SAW a lot more and he was setting up. Can all of you guys hear me in the back? everyone hears me clearly. Clearly, because there's no mic. Fixing mic. Okay, we're not fixing the mic.

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I just talked behind the scenes in Houston. So I lost my voice, and I got it back yesterday. I'm hoping it doesn't go out halfway. But

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in essence, you know, we're, you know, when we talk about this subject, it's a very touchy subject. But does anyone know what the divorce rate is here in this country, in the United States right now.

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4060.

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It's actually it's actually at 54%.

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Okay, that means that more than likely

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You know, as Americans, when we get married, when we walk down the aisle to get married, more than likely, we're actually going to be in a battle, you know, in some battles of custody or whatever it is, or over assets, before the end of our lives, more than likely, it's going to result in a divorce. And this is this has actually been the trend for the last four years.

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It's a consistent trend over the last four years that the divorce rate has actually gone over 50%. And it's, and it's only getting higher and higher and higher and higher. Alright. And if you if there is, you know, even without, even if we don't take the higher divorce rate, obviously, the lack of happiness and the lack of, you know, compatibility that we see in marriages today, now, within the Muslim community, a lot of times when we, when we talk about the Muslim community, we do one of two things, either we take the Muslim community, and we act like the Muslim community is exempt from all of the problems that society has, right? Or we act like the Muslim community has it worse than

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everybody else, but in truth, the Muslim community is just as bad as everybody else with these things. Okay, we do have, we probably have a lower divorce rate, but at the same time, part of the reason for that is because of the, you know, the cultural pressure on spouses, you know, to stay together for the sake of preserving face, you know, for the sake of, you know, children and things of that sort. But I definitely say, you know, happiness, in marriages, and things of that sort, definitely don't exist, the way that they should, you know, especially coming from an Islamic context. And when we look at the seed of the Prophet Sly Stone, the biography, and the example that

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the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him, laid out for us. Now, I want to have a very strange discussion about this topic. Because another thing that we tend to do is we tend to, you know, so you can ask this question all the time, if you don't date. Does that mean you believe in arranged marriages? Okay? Does that mean that you were forced to marry your spouse? Okay, so it's an actual clash of culture, it's an actual clash of civilization, if you will, in the sense that, you know, there's one school of thought that you fall in love, okay, that you get together, you spend time with each other, you spend, you know, months, years, weeks, whatever it is, and then you fall in

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love, and then you get married. Right. And there are actually two articles from actually pull up my phone, there are two articles that came out this last week.

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One of them

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one of them was on BBC.

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And the title of the article was,

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is romantic love a myth is romantic love a myth? Okay, so that's the title of the article that was on BBC.

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And in essence, it's talking about, you know, all all the various studies that have been done from a sociological perspective that marriages that are based upon years and years or months and months of relationship where intimacy has already been explored, okay, tend to fail. And this is, this is proven through numerous studies. And in fact, you know, the article, the author says, It's socially, this idea is socially corrosive, because it idealizes love, rather than understanding that love is made not found. Love is made in the gritty ups and downs of being with someone who is as flawed as he is, that's a very powerful quote. Again, it is socially corrosive, because it idealizes love

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rather than understanding that love is made, not found. Love is made in the gritty ups and downs of being with someone who has as flawed as you. So you've got this, you know, this idea. And there's actually another another article that, um, that was on CNN, I don't know if anyone saw this, why traditional dating is dead. This is on the front page of CNN the last few days. anybody read the article? Why traditional erotic, why traditional dating is dead. Okay, and, you know, so you got, and obviously, these articles come out around Valentine's. But it's interesting, because in essence, you have large con you have, you have concepts that have already been introduced by snap, you know,

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just with bigger words, to represent those concepts to be to be expressed in a secular context. But it's the same thing. It's the same thing that Islam says, Now, here's the problem, especially when you're talking about second generation Muslims, whose parents perhaps came from another country, whose marriages are dictated more by culture than Islam. But because we're second generation, it all gets bunched up into being Islam. It all gets bunched up into being one thing. So for example, if your parents say to you, you know, I'm married your mom without even ever seen her before.

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Right? There's some you know, like, I'm married your mom and I never saw before I married your dad, and I never saw saw him before. And so you think that that's a snap? And it just really scares the

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out of you? And then you

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so it's just it's a scares you like, What are you talking about that that's the way that you really, really make your kids fears, you know, fears that like, you know, this is how you're supposed to get married. And that is a totally 100% arranged marriage right?

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And so there's this idea that it's either this or it's either that and what we fail to realize and recognize that our Deen is right in the middle, it gives you the perfect. It gives you the perfect equation. And obviously, you know, you know, someone might say who's not Muslim, but he's being biased because he's Muslim, you're absolutely right. And I'm willing to have that discussion, I think we should, we should be willing to have that discussion. Obviously, I'm going to present what my faith deems to be true. But there is an attack on the Islamic way of life, there is an attack on the Islamic concept of marriage. Much of that is because of Islamophobia. Much of that is because

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it's been portrayed to be barbaric. It's been portrayed to be forced marriages. Right. And although in some cultures, that is the case, that has nothing to do with this stuff, and I give this example, do you guys remember the Chicago

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you know, fiasco that was in New Jersey, where you had the sister that worked a job that you know, was

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about you, but most of you people are parked in a parking lot without the parking sticker. So I will request a $75 ticket, if you care, you can park in the mirror parking or the street parking.

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Anybody who's parked in a movie Park.

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So nobody made that mistake.

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Because it's like, half the room is gonna get up and I'm just gonna stop

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the garage, the garage,

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the garage?

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If you don't have the parking sticker, so the only thing that

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made a parking and street parking, if you don't have it,

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where was I? What was I talking about?

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Alright, so let's get back to

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back to the discussion. Everybody remembers what happens when you have a sister that was, you know, that that called her brother and was, you know, it gave off the impression that she was abducted and caused a huge stir in the Muslim community. You know, people were posting all over social networking, about how to hurry up and find her how what we can do to help family. And I remember you guys all know Nancy Grace, right?

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So Nancy, Grace, me personally, she irritates me to be honest with you. But aside from that, you know, she was doing this interview with her, her brother, I Stefan's brother. And in that interview, you know, she's she's asking him, you know, and obviously, we know that the story did not turn out to be as it appeared to be. But she's asking him on the assumption that, that he is a grieving brother that's looking for the sister right now. Instead of you know, offering support and offering help, she starts to interrogate him. And what did she say to him? Was this a forced marriage, in fact, was your marriage and arranged marriage? And she said, Because here in America, we get married

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because of love. Right? She's going off on him about that. And it's like, if he's just lost my sister, that's not what I want to talk about right now. And the poor guy is forced to defend himself and say, you know, you know, I met my wife a few times before, and she's digging into the details, right of his marriage. Mike, how did you get married anyway? Because that's not how we do things over here. And it was terrible. So what we have to understand is that our way of life is being attacked. Right? It's being scrutinized, it's being called backwards. Right? And that's how a lot of times again, you have people that are skilled in their fields, when you have when you have

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sociologists, and you have, you know, people coming out with these studies that are saying that the way that we approach love in this society as Americans is not is actually not conducive to happy marriages. Right? You know, it's No one calls that backwards. No one calls that backwards. So I want to talk a little bit about what it means from an Islamic perspective to get married what you should look for, number one, and some of you that took behind the scenes of the class to me, you know, you're gonna see some I'm going to repeat a few things I said, especially on the topic of tears, when we talk about character, because the prophets have a lot It was seven peace be upon him. He

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said that you look for two things in a marriage you look for what

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what do you look for? You guys already forgot.

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Religion and character, religion and character, either attack him until dawn Edina who

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has

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a five second fitness and outdoor facade and the theory that if someone comes to you that is pleasing to you in character and religion, then marry that person. And if you don't do so, then there will be widespread corruption. And there'll be widespread there will be widespread tribulation. Alright, so these are the two things that we're supposed to

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To be looking for, these are the primary things that we should be looking for. Why

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can a person have religion and not have character? Yes, yes. Can a person have character not religion? Yes. Yes. All right. So you've got, you've got one of those two things. And I see it all the time, you know. So for example, you'll

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always put these two together. He never mentioned one without mentioning the other. Okay, they go hand in hand. You see many people that are that that were the garbage religiosity, but they're rude, violent tempers, okay, they won't even hold the door for anybody at your university or whatever it is. Right? You know, they don't have any form of good character. All right. So that's a person that you should actually avoid, because the religion to that person might be dangerous, actually, because they might use the religion to justify their illness and character, okay, or their lack of character, they might actually use the religion to manipulate because character is the control. It's

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the it's the balancing variable in this equation. Right? It balances out religion here by having character you balance out religion. And by having religion you balance out character. Why? Because if a person just has good character, their standard of good morality, and good character would consistently be altered by time and place. Right? what's considered goodness today, and what's considered immoral today was not considered moral and was not considered good 20 years ago. Right and, and culture can be very hypocritical. It really can't. And this is across the board. If you look across cultures all over, you know, all over the world. You can always identify, you can point

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out hypocrisy in our cultures. Okay? Every culture has its own share of hypocrisy, okay? And its own share of just you know, senselessness. Alright, so for example, you know, what was what would have been considered modesty? How many of you guys used to watch? Well, not used to watch? Yes. Have you guys ever seen those shows? Like I Love Lucy and, and all in the family? Right? And those types of cells like, did you use to see the type of stuff that you see now? No, Dick Van Dyke. guys remember Dick Van Dyke, don't want to remember if you've heard of the guy, right. Or you might have seen Nick Van Dyck, these to actually show in the show. He'd be sleeping in a separate bed as his wife

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on the show, because it was considered lewd to portray the husband and the wife on TV, sleeping in the same bed. That's without any form of you know, that's without any form of expression or things of that sort of just just for them to be in the same bed would allow what would would be too much for the masses to handle. Now, what did she say that that's changed? Right? Now,

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you know, you look at Superbowl commercials, right?

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I didn't watch Superbowl commercials on how to do that. But I saw the responses of people that did watch the commercials, especially and you know, the GoDaddy commercials and stuff like that, right? And it's seriously, it's like, you've got families sitting around the TV watching porn. It's terrible. But that's, that's in essence, that's what's happening. Now, to some people, that's free expression, wouldn't have been considered free expression 3040 years ago, right? To some people, that's none of your business. It is your business because you're putting that garbage in my living room. Right? But again, the standards of morality change, okay? The standards of morality change all

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around the world. Okay, it's just, it doesn't, you know, morality is always biased and tempered by by time and place. All right. So you need to have religion, something that's constant, to sort of govern that morality to govern that character. All right, otherwise, these two these two things can actually become dangerous. Alright, they can actually become dangerous. Now. Here's the thing. How do you determine good character? How do you determine good character?

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Told you guys gonna be interactive?

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Am I gonna lecture you for two hours? I'm tired.

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How do you determine good character?

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personality is one way. Yeah. How they treat others. Great. All right. What else? What's up? behavior? Great. All right, what else? These are all correct answers by the way, what else?

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That's more religion, but obviously how much they would they would follow the profit slice. Obviously, that's

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practice like in terms of mannerisms, right. That's the same. Yeah.

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Great, how they treat their family members. Okay, what else?

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How do they What

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are they talk with others, what else? how they act, how they act when no one's there. Well, how

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You know,

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how they treat others who are lower than status? All of these are correct answers. All of these determine, in some way, shape or form characters. Now, for those of you that were that took the class that I taught a few weeks ago, we talked about the meaning of the word hope, the meaning of the word character, and it's not. And what is it in essence me? What did we say that it means?

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interviewing, interviewing, right? interviewed a lot more come out to hunt the accident Co Op, the prophet SAW Selim, he said that he used to make the choice to supplicate and say, oh, Allah, as you made my outside, beautiful, make my insides beautiful. So the actual word for internal beauty is photo. Okay, this is the same word that's used for character. Now, obviously, you don't really know what a person is like, on the inside. You cannot, you know, you cannot determine for sure what a person is like on the inside. Now character, you know, in essence isn't what's going what's going to keep a relationship going. And in essence, that was the article on traditional dating, what's going

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to keep a relationship going is common purpose, common purpose,

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common purpose and good treatment, okay, treatment of one another. And in that realm of treatment, you've got an understanding of those types of things. So this is an essence again, what the prophet Mohammed zweisimmen was saying, which is religion and character. Now, how would you, you know, so if How can you determine internal beauty? That's the thing. In essence, what the prophets lie sentiment is telling us is that a person that does not treat other people well, that is not good to their families, that belittles those that are lower than them, that does not show common courtesy is not a person who's beautifully who is beautiful internally. There is no way. Right, and we and we

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mentioned the example that he mounted no by him, he gave that you know, your heart is like is like a dish. And your tongue is like a spoonful of that dish. Alright, so if your tongue is sweet, there is a possibility that you could have a sweet tongue but an ugly inside, right. But there is no way possible that a person could have a beautiful inside and an ugly talk doesn't exist in Islam. And that's why the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him when he was asked about that woman who used to you know, pray all the time, fast all time, give charity all the time, the prophet peace be upon him was asked you know, about her why because she was also very abusive towards her neighbors. And the

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Prophet peace be upon him says she has no good inside of her. Right, not only not only was it was it a declaration that her Hereafter is not going to be reflected by salon and prayer, those types of things. But rather, she's devoid of good on the inside. The way that she acted, the way that she carried herself was a direct indication that she was devoid of good on the inside. Because the character represents an ugly inside and ugly inside an ugly character represents an ugly inside. Now, here's the thing again, you cannot know for sure what a person is like, now it's not before you get married. Are you supposed to ask other people about that person? Yes. Okay. And in fact, you

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had, you know, you know, the woman who asked the Prophet

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about while you're not more than me, Sophia, I forget, I forgot while we had been someone else, another another person by name. Wow. And the Prophet sly, someone said, he always carries a stick on his shoulder. Don't do it. All right, he's gonna abuse you don't marry straight up, he told her do not marry him, because he's always going to carry a stick on his shoulder. Alright, so again, what he didn't tell her you know, you shouldn't be asking about a person though you should ask about a person, you should observe a person's character, you should observe their etiquette as much as you can write even from a distance, and find ways to find out about their character to ask about them.

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And there's nothing wrong with that. Okay, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Now, are there times are there times that you might ask about a person, you might get a good image, you might get a good response, you might see good, and then once you get married, you find out that that person is not who you thought they were.

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Not having a good Valentine's Day.

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But it happens, it happens, it does happen.

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And the you know, and that's why you cannot detach the element of faith from all of this. You cannot detach the element of faith from all of this. And there's two aspects of this. Number one, obviously, it would happen much less if you took all the precautions that you're supposed to take. And you married that person for the right reasons it would happen a lot less it still will happen. But isn't it easier to be manipulated and to end up in a marriage with someone who does not

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Who does not have good character? If you aren't even looking for those if you are ignoring the warning signs in favor of their physical appearance in favor of, you know, this this romanticized infatuation, right, you're more likely to get into that situation. And the other aspect of that, is that, you know, in essence, whenever you ask people in Islam when you ask people about other people, in a good way, not in a bad way, it's called St. Shada, sorta like shuara. Right? So what do you think? What do you think? What do you think? Can you do it in a way, obviously, where you're not going to blow it up and make it public? All right, you know, you try to you try to keep it as as low

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as possible. All right. But at the same time, you ask people, and then even when you ask people at some point, sometimes might turn out that the person is not to that level. So what else do you do

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is to have an SD card is literally you are asking God, you're asking a lot, if this is good for me, it's a prayer that you offer. If this is good for me, then make it happen. And if it's bad for me, then prevent that put obstacles between me in it. So it's like I'm asking the only one who knows what the person is really like. And I'm sincere when I make that.

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Right. I'm sincere when I make that staccato. I really, staccato is very simple. You pray to cause you pray two sets of prayer. And you read a prayer, right? That's from the Sunnah. That's from the tradition of the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him. You know, asking, asking God to guide you to the right decision. Alright, your decision you're not gonna you're not supposed to see a dream. All right, you're not gonna see any colors.

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the tooth fairy is not going to show up on your pillow and put a note under your pillow. And I'm telling you, I have seen the worst. Like, the the worst innovations in theology come in this topic, like in this matter of is the funnel, right? I know people that would put six pieces of paper under their pillow, right? Yes, on three and no one.

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Go to sleep, you know, pick out a sheet of paper, all kinds of stuff. It's weird. It's weird stuff. The Dream stuff is actually very common. How many of you heard that you're supposed to see certain colors?

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You heard that? Right? He's supposed to. That's why every time we go

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home or like to sleep that night, and I didn't see any different colors. I just I drove to like Willy Wonka.

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I drove to like, you know, a leprechaun on ice.

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And I wasn't seeing any colors. I don't know what what are these people talking about? Exactly. You're not supposed to see colors had nothing to do with colors. Because as human beings, we always want to clear cut yes or no. In essence, we're not willing to trust God. Right? I want to know now. And even when some people come and ask me, should I praise the father? And this is this is bad for me. I don't want it to happen. Right? You're asking God, you're telling God, you're putting your faith in God, this is bad. I don't want it to happen. But here's the problem. Because the element of elements of infatuation comes in. It's like, I want it to happen, whether it's good or bad. And if

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it's bad, I'll just deal with the circumstances later. And that's a problem. So it's like some people have come to me seriously, I want to praise the photo, you know, how do you praise the photo? So when I showed them the application of this?

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It's like, Yeah, but can I just ask a lot just to give her to me?

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Whether she's good or bad, I just want her. I'll deal with it later. I just want her okay. And that's the problem. And then what happens even when people do praise the Goddess, sometimes they're not honest to their father. Why? Because God puts obstacles right and left, and they still go forth with it.

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Right? It's like, how many more obstacles do you need? Your signs are all there, just just drop it. But no, you know, I need to have that one. And I'm gonna say something that, you know, I really feel very, very strongly about, and I know a lot of people, a lot of Muslims disagree with me, okay? It is better to be unmarried than to get into a bad marriage. Be patient. I don't care how patient you got to be. It would be better for you to wait and to make the right decision than to hurry up into the wrong decision. Despite pressure from from you know, your whatever, family or culture or whatever it is, okay, it's better for you to wait, it's better for you. In essence, it's better for

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you to be single than to be married to someone who for example, is an abuser. How long can you wait?

00:29:35--> 00:29:36

That's a good question.

00:29:38--> 00:29:43

How long can you wait? I've got a lot of topics and that's why they got me appearance.

00:29:50--> 00:29:58

Usually parents want to wait too long. The kids are ready to get married. The parents are just like No wait, wait, wait, wait, wait so much love. Maybe we got a different situation.

00:30:00--> 00:30:20

You know, I'm just I'm just setting light on a few of these subjects because I feel like it's important again, q&a is I'm waiting for q&a, I think q&a will be the most valuable part of this because you guys can ask your questions directly. But again, some people are not honest to their stuff. All right, so you're looking for religion and character. Okay. Now, do the other things count to the other variables counts?

00:30:22--> 00:30:38

Should you be physically attracted to the person that you're going to marry? Yes, you should be physically attracted to the person that you're going to marry. Okay, there's no doubt about it. And in fact, it's very harmful if you marry someone that you are absolutely not physically attracted to. Now, here's the problem.

00:30:39--> 00:31:19

Now, physical attraction can be enhanced. Can it be enhanced by spiritual attraction, mental attraction and emotional attraction? Yes, it can. It can be. If you love someone for their character, you will become more physically attracted to them. There's no doubt about it. But there should be a level of physical attraction. There's no doubt about it all The scars that I've written on this topic before, I've said that why because they should help you protect yourself, help you lower your gaze, help you protect yourself, help you have, you know, help you feel secure content. Now, the problem is obviously, some people set the bar way too high. And part of that, again, is

00:31:19--> 00:32:00

because of the society that we live in, and it's all over the world. I mean, a global society. I don't I'm not, I'm not gonna knock on the American culture on you know, on American culture, and ignore all social ills that we have in quote unquote, Muslim countries, okay. But part of that is certainly because of pornography, because of, you know, the, the nature of the the nature of advertising and marketing, as it is today. Right? That everything has been fantasized, okay? Everything's been fantasize. So in essence, like, people cannot be content in their marriages, because she or he doesn't look like she or he on a computer screen.

00:32:01--> 00:32:44

Or on a TV. I'm being very serious. Like, that's really a problem. You don't look like that. Alright, even though that person is photoshopped, and isn't real, you don't look like that person who's gone through $700,000 worth of surgery, and he's still being photoshopped in magazines. Why don't you look like that person, I don't want to marry you. That's a problem. That's a problem. Okay. And it destroys marriages, it destroys the prospects of happy marriages, but still innocent, there should be a certain level of physical attraction. So is it allowed to see a person before you get married? Yes, in fact, it's sooner the Prophet Mohammed sighs when someone came to him and said,

00:32:44--> 00:32:46

that I want to marry this person to

00:32:47--> 00:32:59

go look at her. Make sure that you make sure that that person is someone that you want to get married. Now, obviously, looking at, you know, looking does not mean spine does not mean you know,

00:33:00--> 00:33:16

like trying to hack into her facebook account and do stuff like that, alright, but looking there should be a certain there should be a minimal level, not minimal, minimal is not a good word. But there should be a satisfactory level of physical attraction for both the men and for the woman. is social status, important.

00:33:18--> 00:33:45

Status important? It is, but it's not, you know, and social status is mistaken. When I say social status. I'm not talking about like, if someone is, is like from a certain tribe or a certain family, and this person is from a certain tribe in a certain family. That's not what I'm talking about. That's, that's backwards. That's that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about so for example, in the time of the Prophet slice Allah, we had a failed marriage between two illustrious companions. One of them was

00:33:46--> 00:34:29

the adopted son of the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon and Xena or the allarakha. Right, these two Xena produced now were they both religious? Yes, Zaid was raised at the hand of the Prophet peace be upon you know he was his character represented the character of the Prophet peace be upon him. He used to pray all night. Zeno used to pray so much at night, she'd have a rope tied. When she got tired. She leaned on that rope because of how much he prayed at night. And the marriage didn't work. Why? Because Dana was used to a certain lifestyle. And Zaid was, you know, Zaid wasn't Zane grew up in poverty. He grew up, you know, in a rough, you know, rough situation. Okay. Zane up on the other

00:34:29--> 00:34:56

hand, was from a very wealthy family. She wasn't materialistic, it's just he's used to a certain way of life. And that's just that's a reality, by the way, and I'll give you an A lot of times by what happens is that you'll have a religious guy, and you'll have a religious girl. Good characters there too. But the guy can barely support you know, a dorm room and this girl is gonna come from like a 4000 square foot well, Texas 4000 square foot house right

00:34:57--> 00:34:59

here over here like a mansion is like 2000 Square.

00:35:00--> 00:35:00

Do

00:35:01--> 00:35:02

you pay? Like,

00:35:04--> 00:35:09

from Texas? Yeah, big, big, big, big, big houses, for what you guys will pay for an apartment, you know, but

00:35:11--> 00:35:45

go from that to being pampered right to living a very, very simple, simple spoiled lifestyle to this, and it causes problems. Now, it's not the defining factor of the marriage, but certainly, and it's correct. You know, it can be corrected. It can be corrected, but at the same time, you know, it's, you know, it's not it's not the main thing that a person should look for. It is important, but it's not the main thing that a person should look for, should race be considered in marriage? How many of you think yes?

00:35:46--> 00:35:47

How many of you think

00:35:48--> 00:35:52

a cup you know, two people being of the same race

00:35:53--> 00:36:06

would make marriage would make life easier for a married couple more successful, more successful? How many of you think that's not the case? How many to the advantage of the married couple to be of different cultures and backgrounds? How many of you just don't know?

00:36:08--> 00:36:17

You know, it's interesting in the verses of the Quran that are recited, alarms, or just says woman, ar T and Hanako meant to log in from either

00:36:18--> 00:37:03

a zero and from a loss signs is that he created you from dirt, He created you from dust and now you are, you know, vested on your own. You're a human being scattered all over the world, making a living, you know, in essence, a lost paradigm is clarifying the source that all of us come from the same source. The next verse is what woman he and Kala Kala cumin and fusi come as larger and from His Signs is that he created from you mates from amongst yourselves. And Allah Subhana Allah says what gyla been the test guru ha ha. Second is, you know is literally what a second meaning the arbequina is like a house. You can find stability in one another. What Giada Bina Kuma what data

00:37:03--> 00:37:09

what often Allah put put between you compassion and mercy? In the free daddy color is

00:37:11--> 00:37:28

very loud is assigned for those who who contemplate So first the law clarifies the source, then a law says that he created for his mates, then what's the next iron woman it is the law for lc synoptical l one equal in the field.

00:37:30--> 00:38:14

And from His Signs is the diff, the variation, your variation in skin color, that in tunc in language and in race, in essence, the variation of culture, the variation of race in the lowest prices and not is assigned for who did it mean? What does it mean mean? Not either mean? It means everybody. I mean people who have knowledge and essence people who are not ignorant, alright, a lot put the verse of marriage between two verses that condemned racism. And in fact, Allah says the difference and the differences in our races is actually a mercy. And it's actually something that, you know, that that that's been put there so that we can get to know one another so that we could

00:38:14--> 00:38:21

enrich ourselves the towel awful, right to get to know one another to enrich ourselves. You know what the beauty of that is.

00:38:23--> 00:39:06

And I'm telling you, in my own experience, the old you know, marriages in which the husband and the wife are from different countries are from different backgrounds are from different races actually tend to be more successful and less, the families are putting so much pressure on both of them, that they break the marriage apart. But their difference in language, their difference in culture, actually sparks interest. Right, and actually allows them to grow together. Plus it represents that what united them was pure. What brought them together in the first place was pure. Okay. And you know what else? Children have biracial marriages have IQ levels that are significantly higher than

00:39:06--> 00:39:16

children that are not from biracial marriages. This is a fact By the way, hybrid kids called hybrid hybrid children. They're so easy to teach hold on to like,

00:39:20--> 00:39:52

just like soaks it all in. It's like, Man, you're a genius. Why? Because kids that learn multiple languages, kids that are exposed to more culture, kids that are exposed to that stuff, they're actually further enriched. They're actually further enriched. You can read studies on this. There's actually consensus right now, you know, in this field, that children in vibrational marriages are actually enriched, they tend to have big, they tend to have better IQ, they tend to be more intelligent they took you know, you might argue that they might be cute or too long.

00:39:54--> 00:39:59

But in essence, it's a gift Alas, telling us he gave it to us. He gave it to us as a gift.

00:40:00--> 00:40:14

He gave it to us as a gift. And it's so sad now that sometimes you find a man and a woman that are so compatible, but the only difference is race. And because of that they're held apart.

00:40:15--> 00:40:49

Right, because of that they're held apart. Now, for some of that, we might, we might not really be able to control that. But if you're looking, if you're in that situation, do not consider them seriously don't consider, don't consider, you know, we are, especially those of us who grew up in this country, as you know, as we are, we are as American as can be. Right? You don't have to sit there and think about the back home thing and those types of consequences, you are home, right? You don't have to sit there and think about all of this back home and this back home. All right. So that shouldn't count. You know, what else is is really, really important is not the types of questions

00:40:49--> 00:40:53

that we asked them before we get married? Are we allowed to sit and talk with one another?

00:40:55--> 00:41:05

Are we allowed to sit and talk before marriage? Yes, in fact, some of the scars of the past, like the moment one could argue is encouraged.

00:41:06--> 00:41:34

We should, you should sit and you should ask important questions. So you should get to know important you know, the things that are important to the other person, you know, and you should get a you know, you should try to find common ground, you should get to know that person you should see, you know, if the ingredients for a successful marriage are there. And I'll give you this example. You know, what's the first question that that, uh, that a guy and a girl usually ask each other whenever they get to know one another? The first question.

00:41:36--> 00:41:36

You know,

00:41:39--> 00:41:44

it might sound it might sound typical, but I've seen it happen many times, like, so what's your favorite color?

00:41:46--> 00:41:52

Like I am, I'm pretty certain that what's going to cause your marriage to fall apart. And it's not going to be

00:41:54--> 00:41:57

over what's your favorite color was? It has nothing to do with?

00:41:59--> 00:42:39

It's not even important questions. Right? So it's like, Why? What are you talking about? Right? Now. So it's not what we're allowed to sit? We should, we should. So this is the concept of arranged marriages arranged in the sense that you choose to pursue the possibility the prospect of marriage with someone who first at least from the outside meets the qualifications of religion and character, and who is satisfactory to you, and the ways that you know, and the ways that we just mentioned. So it starts off that way so that you don't waste your time, basically. All right. And then once you sit together, you talk about what's important, or you talk about issues that are important to both

00:42:39--> 00:43:08

of you. Okay, and you should be direct, and you should be blunt. Okay. And you should talk about the things that would keep a marriage successful. So in Islam, this is this is not, not only a lot, it's encouraged, especially in this time, where there's a lot of weirdos out there. All right, seriously, especially now, nowadays. It's it's important, it really, it really is important. And also, by the way, asked about, you know, I taught sisters this all the time, especially asked about their views towards women.

00:43:09--> 00:43:44

All right, and those types of things, you know, and brothers, you should also ask about, you know, sisters views towards men, although it's it's more important for sisters to ask that question, because sometimes, again, you know, a person that might have an overly conservative background, might have a chauvinistic attitude. Unfortunately, it's a reality that we deal with, you ask about those types of things. Okay. Now, you don't have to interrogate the person. You don't have to scare the person away. You don't have to, like, you know, it doesn't have to be in that way. But no, we should get to know one another. And Allah subhanaw taala has only forbade two things from us. Well,

00:43:45--> 00:43:51

three things. Now one thing is general, which is anything that's inappropriate, right? It's not inappropriate.

00:43:52--> 00:43:57

Now, Allah has permitted that we touch one another. So we're not supposed to start touching.

00:43:59--> 00:44:00

And what else has left forbidden?

00:44:02--> 00:44:37

being completely secluded, now, how do I hear I have to qualify that for a moment. The type of fun was that prohibited for a person or two people getting to know one another the type of seclusion that's prohibited is a type of seclusion which may arise which may give way to something inappropriate. Okay, so for example, you know, the most awkward thing in the world is whenever you know, and this is more cultural, but I ended you know, I can, I can tell a lot of us are by second generation if you go to meet someone, and like you sit between your parents, and then the other person sits between their parents, you're supposed to have a conversation.

00:44:38--> 00:44:39

That's weird.

00:44:40--> 00:45:00

That is really really, really weird. No, you're allowed to talk. You're allowed to have private conversation to a degree to a degree okay private conversation in the sense that it cannot get inappropriate where touching can start typing those types of things, but private conversations where you can, you know, you can you can ask comfortably, the things that you want to ask the things

00:45:00--> 00:45:08

that are important to you. Those are the things that we're supposed to look for a minute. Now, why do you think? Why do you think that's more important?

00:45:10--> 00:45:45

Or that's more successful. And I just I quoted to you, I read two articles. I didn't read those two articles, I mentioned those two articles that have come out. And again, secular media, about how the traditional approach when I say traditional, I mean, traditional in our in our society is not working. Why? Because when people start off their relationship, touching, okay, being intimate with one another, all right, enjoying, enjoying those types of things with one another. What has happened now, that can that can, that can actually complicate things for the future? What's actually happening?

00:45:48--> 00:45:48

Now,

00:45:50--> 00:45:52

it's a little extreme, but

00:45:53--> 00:45:54

I guess that can't happen.

00:45:57--> 00:45:58

Know, but the idea here is that

00:46:00--> 00:46:12

shouldn't marriage. Now we all agree that marriage is the most important decision that you're going to make after your religion? Right? That's the most important decision you'll find making your life right. Okay.

00:46:14--> 00:46:17

Should marriage be a rational decision? Or should it be an emotional decision?

00:46:18--> 00:46:40

Be a rational decision. Okay. You don't want to make the most important decision of your life. One word rational. And while you're purely infatuated, it's a fact. All right, it's common sense. Okay? When you go on that emotional ride, all right, before even getting married,

00:46:41--> 00:47:17

you know, and each person is unable to show you their best side and put up a front. Okay, when you go on that ride, you get married after that, in essence, you've made an emotional decision. If you've already developed an infatuation for the other person, you will make them out to be the most amazing people in the world. Okay, so for example, the Muslims, it just blows me away. You know, like, whenever someone comes in they and they act like they're getting married for religion. Right? Because I'm the map. So they got it. They gotta act like they're getting married for religions. They constantly like yes. So religious, or religious knows, like, you see the other person you know, the

00:47:17--> 00:47:22

other person is you're like, I'm not being judgmental, or anything like that. But are you sure you pursued the other person on religion?

00:47:24--> 00:47:26

She's amazing. She prays five times a day.

00:47:29--> 00:47:30

Muslims are supposed to do now.

00:47:32--> 00:47:36

You know, one night, I was talking to her on the phone, and she was reciting.

00:47:41--> 00:47:45

There's like some weird stuff that comes out. Like I remember God telling me that we went out to

00:47:48--> 00:47:51

a guy told me that he took he took this girl out on a date.

00:47:53--> 00:47:59

They went to a restaurant. And after that, they went to the alley of the restaurant and predations together.

00:48:00--> 00:48:05

All right. And like, he's like, we sat next to each other, and we did test on each other's hands. And I'm like,

00:48:07--> 00:48:08

are you sure you were talking about

00:48:12--> 00:48:13

the idea

00:48:14--> 00:48:51

that if you really want somebody if you really like if you become infatuated, then you will make that person out to be the most amazing person in the world. Right? You'll in essence, you'll try to fool yourself, you'll try to fool your own rationale. Now marriage should not be an entirely rational decision. Because yes, there is chemistry we do believe in chemistry and the prophets, I acknowledge that there is love that a person might just develop a love for somebody. We do believe in chemistry. Chemistry is something you know, it's chemistry exists in Islam, not just between husband and wife. But in fact, the prophets why Selim he said that chemistry exists between people

00:48:51--> 00:49:29

as a whole, he said that the souls are like conscripted soldiers, right. They they find, you know, souls that love that, that were that had an affinity towards each other in the previous life, have an affinity towards each other. And this light, and souls that that didn't like each other, in essence, that did not have an affinity to each other in the previous life. You know, they're turned off by each other in this life, too. Alright, so if you if you naturally just find yourself bonding with someone, you know, getting close to someone you're like, I feel like I've known you my whole life and without without the romance without the romance aspect of it, you just feel so comfortable

00:49:29--> 00:50:00

with the person. Right? You feel a sense of chemistry, even when we're talking about like bromance, right? Brothers coming together and all that kind of stuff, not in the inappropriate way on the bromance, right? You know, you just met someone for the first time Brother, you know, Mashallah, you guys hit it off sisters, you hit it off, not not in the inappropriate way again, but instead you just feel an affinity towards one another. That's chemistry and chemistry as soon as there should be a level of chemistry. There should be a level of chemistry, but at the same time, to to to know

00:50:00--> 00:50:01

rationale,

00:50:02--> 00:50:31

to ignore rationale in favor of emotion is just not a very smart thing to do. And it could result in disastrous consequences. Because usually, you find out about a person. Afterwards you find out about the true nature of the person, this is whether you take precautions or not. We already saw this, you don't really know a person until you know until you really, really start to spend a lot of time with them. Okay? Now, the reason why we take those precautions is because in essence,

00:50:32--> 00:50:54

let me and I hate to use this analogy, because it might sound disrespectful. But I'm not trying to be disrespectful. It's just for the sake of getting the point across if you go to a car dealership. All right, and I'm not comparing marriage to a car dealership, nor am I comparing a woman to a car, nor am I comparing a man to a car. All right, I'm just I'm just giving this example if you go to a car dealership, and you see a car that you really like,

00:50:55--> 00:50:58

but it's too expensive. Right? And you go,

00:50:59--> 00:51:05

you know, I can't afford that. Was the car dealer gonna try to get you to do take it for a ride?

00:51:07--> 00:51:08

take it for a test drive.

00:51:09--> 00:51:11

Sisters, you are not cars nor my

00:51:12--> 00:51:13

brothers, you are not cars.

00:51:15--> 00:51:33

Alright. But in essence, why does the car do and you know, it's funny, because if you study psychology, they actually get to take you through all these different situations and things. So I studied psychology for fun, right? It was just interesting to me like so I remember in one class, we were doing the simulations. Why is the after you test drive a car.

00:51:34--> 00:51:48

In essence, the dealer is trying to get you to make an emotional decision, not a rational decision. That's the dealer's job. Okay, he wants you to make the most emotional decision possible because you test drive that car and you get off the crime you're like,

00:51:49--> 00:52:27

see how smooth that thing drove? Like, you know, look at look at the exterior. And did you feel that massage? And did you feel a seat warmers and all kinds of stuff like that, whatever it is that cars can do now, right? And in essence, in three weeks, it's just going to be a car that gets you from point A to point B. Right. But at the same time, it's like in the very beginning, initially, that external factor of excitement, anticipation, right. That's what's that's what's being stirred here, in order to cloud your rationale. So you're going to break the bank, put yourself in depth, just so you can drive a car that looked amazing to you. And you knew it was a bad decision. Right, you could

00:52:27--> 00:52:50

have just took the camera roll, you knew it was a bad decision. But at the same time, you know, he figured it out too late. All right. And in essence, here, there's a few things that I want to mention here. So we said chemistry is important. You cannot know someone you cannot know someone until you do one of three things as Bob said. So there's three ways to know people when they say they are. And if I know

00:52:53--> 00:52:58

either you travel with the person, or you live with the person, or you did business with the person.

00:52:59--> 00:53:01

So there's three ways that you finger people out.

00:53:02--> 00:53:38

So you don't really know someone until you do one of those three things anyway. All right. And the issue and the thing is here, again, we take precautions we don't we don't pretend that there is that there is no such thing as a marriage that went the wrong way, even though all precautions were taken, you know, the way that they're supposed to. So there was the guy that opted for the Toyota, then the brakes went out. It's not common. But you know what it happens, right. And when a person has faith, they understand that you know what that's that's, that's a test. But that happens at a much lesser rate when people do take the proper precautions to make sure that they're marrying

00:53:38--> 00:53:45

people for the right reasons. And you know, what happens? And by the way, is it permissible in a snap to marry someone because you think that they're beautiful?

00:53:47--> 00:53:54

That's permissible, permissible to marry someone because they've got money? It's permissible, it's unethical, it's permissible.

00:53:55--> 00:54:33

Is it permissible to marry someone because of social status? Yes, it is. All of those things are permissible. It's not how long? You know, it's not forbidden in Islam. But the prophets lie. Some he says, choose the religion that may or has been covered in dust, that was an expression of the Arabs to say, you will be at loss otherwise, because you know, what happens psychologically when people marry when you marry someone, because of their beauty, when you marry someone, because of their money, when you marry someone, because of their status, when you marry someone, because of this, or because of that, and status now would mean you marry someone because they're adopted, you marry

00:54:33--> 00:55:00

someone because, you know, that's what status would mean now in our contemporary society, all right, in essence, if anything happens to one of those things, or if anything happens to the thing, on the basis of which you married the other person, the marriage falls apart, okay. Now, so what happens is people married most of the time people marry, you know, on the basis of attraction attraction is the starting point. Right attraction is the starting point people marry on the basis of attract

00:55:01--> 00:55:40

And they're willing to ignore all of the ugliness on the inside. Because of attraction. And naturally, when you physically get involved with somebody, then you're even, you know, you're even more drugged up, alright, you're more under the spell. And then once you get married, and you've been with the same person, for an extended period of time, the beauty wears off because there was nothing internal to enhance that beauty. Rather, you figured out that that was just the mask. And this is for men and women, right? This is for men and women, it's superficial. So when that thing disappears, the marriage falls apart. Now, if you marry on the basis of religion, if you choose

00:55:40--> 00:56:00

someone, if you pursue someone on the basis of religion, on the basis of character, okay, those are things that are intangible those are things that continue to last. Those are things that the Prophet peace be upon him said that you work together to enhance. And if you enhance those things together, then the marriage naturally gets better.

00:56:01--> 00:56:42

You know, you have common purpose, you work together with that character. Why? Because in essence, each party sees the other party as their ticket to paradise. Right? Each party sees the other party, each spouse sees the other spouse as their ticket to paradise. Okay, by me satisfying you and being you know, and being the best husband possible by you, being the best wife possible. You're actually pleasing the Creator, how many traditions You know, there are, you know, one of them, I forgot, I think it was the amount of stuff that evening. He said that they're at seven heads at seven statements on the profit slice of them, just encouraging good treatment between the spouses, and the

00:56:42--> 00:57:17

reward of doing so. Right. The Prophet Muhammad's life, some said, you know, that whenever, you know, he said, he mentioned the reward of even a person, you know, even a husband or wife becoming intimate with one another, in a way that's permissible, there's a reward, there's actually a spiritual reward for that. And the companions asked the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon How's that possible? What does this have to do with spirituality? And he said, Well, if you would have pursued those lusts, in ways that were impermissible, wouldn't you have been penalized for that? Yes. So likewise, you are rewarded, when you pursue them in ways that Allah has allowed you to pursue them.

00:57:17--> 00:57:38

Likewise, the prophet peace be a part of, you know, a morsel of food that you place in the in the mouth of your spouse, you know, you're feeding literally taking, and this is from the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon taking a spoonful of food and putting it in your spouse's mouth, not out of anger, not like, you know, if you want your you want your food,

00:57:41--> 00:58:22

but rather out of kindness. And the problem is we want them said that that's a form of charity, it's solid, right? It's a form of charity. There's so many different, I have made so many different statements. So whenever the other person sees their spouse, as half of their religion, they naturally go the extra mile. They always try to go the extra mile to please that person. That's a panel law. I mean, it's it's unbelievable. You know, the way that you see those marriages last, and the way that you see those marriages survive the test of time. marriages that are for those reasons, marriages that are established on pure rational reasons, yes, with the element of chemistry, yes,

00:58:22--> 00:58:57

with the element of chemistry, but not on pure emotion, not on pure nonsense, not on pure infatuation. Okay. And we see the example of the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon when he gets married, it's pauwela those types of marriages they can survive. You know, and, you know, one of the most extraordinary examples actually a modern example, you know, we always talk about, we always talk about, you know, history, the companions were this, and the companions, for those of you who are non Muslims are like, equivalent to like the disciples for us, they keep saying the companions, right, you're talking about an honorable, great generation. But you know, I can think of a modern

00:58:57--> 00:59:14

day example that just blows me away every time I think about and it's a it's a brother and a sister. And I say brother and sister, I mean, a Muslim brother, sister, husband and wife in Texas, because you've actually got brothers and sisters married to each other in Texas, probably but husband and a while in Texas.

00:59:15--> 00:59:17

This is in Houston, particular.

00:59:18--> 00:59:58

The sister her father's is a scholar, she is also a scholar. And she memorizes the, her husband is the conference. Okay? He's, you know, he comes from, from a good culture, very strong culture person, he's Hispanic and, and, and his culture. They have a lot of, you know, a lot of the idea, a lot of the principles of Islam in terms of courtesy and things of that sort. So, you know, he became Muslim, he's a Congress, this Muslim for two years, he married the sister. And, you know, it's it was an incredible marriage. They have they have children. And the sister actually, you know, developed cataracts and she actually went blind.

01:00:00--> 01:00:06

Now this, this man was a convert. Now, obviously, that's something that can really hurt a marriage.

01:00:07--> 01:00:11

But he treats her so well now.

01:00:12--> 01:00:40

And he does it with a smile, and he doesn't make her feel and this isn't her words, and then the word the children are observing this right? Treat treats her so well. You know that it's almost like she feels like you know, and whenever he's asked why he says, because she's my ticket to paradise. She's my ticket to paradise so that they feel like they have to come he feels like he consistently has to serve her for the sake of God. Now, is every man going to be that sweet? No,

01:00:41--> 01:00:42

no, don't expect them.

01:00:44--> 01:01:12

I I admit that I'm giving a very extreme example. But the point is, what don't you think it's his religion. It's his faith that allows him to love his wife and honor her enough in that manner. Yes. And that's why when we look in the history, and I'm about to go break for q&a, inshallah, just a few minutes, just on a closing note, we look in the history of Islam, we find marriages, where people, you know, they suffered hard times, they went through circumstances that were really try a marriage,

01:01:13--> 01:01:25

finance, finances, you know, when a couple faces financial hardship that can really try a marriage that can stress them out, that can really try a marriage, we witnessed times where people were trying in that regard, when we look at public debt,

01:01:27--> 01:02:04

that is a great scholar. Now, for those of you that took the class we talked about with adapt, right? how, you know, whenever some man a fantasy saw with his wife, you know, she was she didn't have you know, she had to have good clothes. You know, he was neglectful towards her. He wasn't spending time with her. And she said, he has no need for this for this world. He's just, he's always worshiping God. And then, on top of that, the meaning of balance, you know, and to be more, you know, to be to be a better husband, in essence. Now, when other than that is passing away.

01:02:05--> 01:02:43

When he's passing away, Oh, mother that says something very beautiful. And you know, above that, you know, they live the life of hardship, they really never experienced luxury, they never experienced these things, but they loved each other. And when he's passing away, she says to him, and it's very beautiful. She says to him, you know, in this world, in this life, you asked my father for my hand in marriage, and I accepted. And she said, what I want you to do, is I want you to ask a lot, I want you to ask God for my hand in marriage in Paradise, I want to be engaged to you in general.

01:02:44--> 01:02:51

So literally, she got engaged to him in Paradise, and he passed away or the Alomar.

01:02:52--> 01:03:03

oma did that, obviously, is, by the way, she's one of the greatest scholars of all time, she actually taught many of the Sahaba she actually had her own holophone. Without a doubt, she's a great scholar.

01:03:04--> 01:03:36

And she was also a woman of great beauty. She was also a woman of honor. Right? She was well known. And because she's like the she is she is the she's adimec she's a true scholar, the true sense of the word she teaches male and female Sahaba she's well known as at first scholarship. You know, it wasn't like it is now you know, where if a woman is a widow or a woman is divorced, that, you know, it's like, No, you know, you don't have people asking for any more. No, this woman whenever her husband passed away, she got a proposal from the HUD.

01:03:38--> 01:03:49

She got a proposal for more out of the allowance out who was very wealthy, who was a philosopher, who was also righteous is from kuttabul, Ye those who wrote down the revelation is a companion of the messengers life.

01:03:51--> 01:04:33

And she responds to him, you know, she sends back a letter saying, I can't marry you, because I'm already engaged with the Dutton gentleman already engaged in paradise. There, there are things that have in common purpose, having faith, having character can do to a couple to enhance a couple together, and to allow a couple to, to overcome the natural, the natural obstacles that come with marriage. It's only natural that if you've been used to having your space your entire life, and now you're with another person, all the time that there is going to be conflict, but what did a lot teach us that if you see something you don't like, focus on what you do like the concept of

01:04:33--> 01:04:59

compromise. You can't just break it off whenever you feel like breaking it off. Okay, to give marriage a chance to actually try your best to grow together. Okay, and to always try to focus on first and foremost whether or not you are fulfilling your duties to the other person to the to the other party, before you focus on your own rights. Okay, focus on your responsibilities. These are various Tomic concepts. So in essence having someone who is God fearing

01:05:00--> 01:05:06

Having someone who is constant with the loss of data ensures that even when the other spouse is going through a hard time,

01:05:07--> 01:05:45

okay, even when the other spouse is going through a hard time, their good character, and their good religion, you know, their good sense of gratitude to God will allow that person to go the extra mile. And that's the type of marriage that you want to look for. And first and foremost, how does that start on and on? And on this just the question, how does that start? How do you start? How do you start the process of marrying the person that is good and God fearing? You look at yourself. Okay. You know, there's, there's a quote that I heard about a few years ago that if you if you want a wife, that's like Khadija be more like Mohammed.

01:05:46--> 01:06:09

And likewise, if you want a husband, that's more like Mohammed, why seven, then the more like the visa will be alone, right? it you know, you look at your yourself, there's deep introspection of buyers wanting to buy, you've got a lot on pure math, or pure women and pure women are for pure men, the type of character that you have the type of religion that you have, okay, the way you carry yourself, one of the greatest.

01:06:11--> 01:06:16

And I say this, and I know that some people might find this offensive, but I can't remember the name of the article.

01:06:18--> 01:06:22

I think it was, what's the guy's name, they only What's his name?

01:06:23--> 01:06:25

famous author's name.

01:06:26--> 01:07:00

I'm having a hard time recalling. But he said that one of one of the worst things that one of the greatest contradictions that we have, is that a person, you know, says that I'm looking for someone who's going to love me for who I am on the inside, but wants everything on the outside to attract the person. And that's for men and women. I'm not just talking about flaunting everything from a physical standpoint, right? You say I want someone to respect me Love me for who I am on the inside. But even you know, your money, your reputation, your status, you use those types of things to attract the spouse.

01:07:01--> 01:07:35

And then you say that, well, I want them to love me for my religion and character. Right? I want them to love me for the right reasons. It's a contradiction. What message Are you giving? All right? What are you actually trying to attain, in essence in Islam, that concept, that respectful barrier that's there, that line of respect, that's not to be crossed while getting to know one another? Right before marriage is to ensure that you're getting married for the right reasons that you're getting married for what's on the inside? Okay, that's, that's you're getting married for the things that would keep a marriage going. And that would keep a marriage, you know, full of love and full of

01:07:35--> 01:07:46

respect and honor. So inshallah, with that I'm going to, we're going to take a break before questions and answers, we just go straight to it. What do you think, Mr. Moderator?

01:07:47--> 01:07:48

It wasn't decided.

01:07:50--> 01:07:54

You guys want a five minute break us want to go to q&a, and then ended up at the other q&a?

01:07:56--> 01:08:22

every second, every second. All right, questions, be direct. And I'd like to encourage By the way, if we have, you know, non Muslims in the audience today, I know that a lot of times on this day events, I'm being really honest, you know, it can be intimidating when you're surrounded by a bunch of Muslims. So you might feel uncomfortable. You know, to ask your question, ask your questions directly. Don't feel Don't Don't be shy. No one's gonna bite you. No one's gonna hurt you. No one's gonna blow you up. All right.

01:08:27--> 01:08:33

All right. So questions go ahead Muslims and non Muslims. I go sister first, brother. So go ahead.

01:08:37--> 01:08:39

I had I had a friend who

01:08:49--> 01:08:50

got married.

01:08:54--> 01:08:58

So your question so so the question is how valid is this staccato? Okay, how about

01:09:00--> 01:09:36

the first problem with what you just mentioned is that she got an amazing feeling is the kata has nothing to do with feeling has absolutely zero to do with how you feel about something. In fact, it's the thought of is when you've made your best decision, when you've got a feeling that you know what I think that after taking the proper precautions, that this person is the best person for me, then you praise the thought of asking a lot that if it's good for you, and in particular Good for you, in your dunya in your life, and in your outfit and in your hereafter. So that's the second thing, it's good for you in your in your life, and in your hereafter, then facilitate it and if it's

01:09:36--> 01:09:58

bad for me in my life and in my hereafter then put obstacles between me and him as so I mean, you pursue it, it's valid because because it's taught to us by the divine. So there's no doubt about its validity. But I'm trying when we're talking about the understanding of it. Now, again, the way that people understand it, unfortunately, it's not the way that it was, is not what its intended purpose was. Okay. It's the kata.

01:10:00--> 01:10:20

Law might test a person with a bad spouse. And by the way, it could be that a negative experience is the reason why they have a successful marriage after that, it could be that there could be other things, there could be things that we are not aware of, because again, you can't separate as Muslims, at least we can't separate the element of faith from it. So I give the example of

01:10:22--> 01:10:35

the wife of Pharaoh, he talks about a woman that guilt because I got dealt a bad hand. All right, she's a righteous woman, and she's not married to you know, a guy that doesn't pray for a guy. That's mean, she's married to Pharaoh, you know,

01:10:37--> 01:10:39

as much as some women would insist that their husbands are worse than

01:10:42--> 01:10:43

arounds pretty bad.

01:10:44--> 01:11:04

And she called on to God and when she called on to God, she said, rather than any database until Jana Ola built for me with you. So I want your companionship in paradise. I don't even want this, I just want your companion to compare that that was the best thing that ever happened to her. Another example is Osama, Osama marries Abu Salah.

01:11:05--> 01:11:11

And may Allah be pleased with them. Abu Salah is a great companion, there's no doubt about it. And she loved him. And, you know,

01:11:12--> 01:11:38

she has children, they have children together, and then he died. You know, he was killed. And so on the outside, it's like, why is that happening? Why? Why is that happening? Why would she go through something like that? And she made that to a lot trusting you know, she supplicated a lot trusting that the best thing would happen for and then came the Prophet Mohammed Salah someone's marry her. Okay, so the point is, is that it could be that through that negative experience, that negative,

01:11:39--> 01:11:46

you know, through that negative experience that you end up being married to the to the to a better person that you end up finding something in your life, that's better. There's actually

01:11:48--> 01:12:17

this website, and I know it's it's, it's kind of weird, we talk but I think it's actually done in the right way. It's called eternal Garmin comm which is particularly for, you know, helping people that have been in previous relationships, so helping divorce divorcees or widows, get married, get remarried. And just last week, as a matter of fact, I met a couple that both came from divorce that were forced, okay, and got married.

01:12:18--> 01:12:54

And they just, were so happy. And what the woman said to me was profound. She said that had I not gotten married the first time and got divorced, that would have never met my husband who got married first time they got divorced, meaning it alternate, you know, I'm so happy right now, you know this, and through those negative experiences. So for example, sometimes you might have made mistakes, also, I contributed towards that marriage falling apart, whether or not you were possible. Or you might have been partially responsible, even if by 10%, right, you might have contributed 10%, and the other party contributed 90%. But through that, you learn, you learn through your experiences,

01:12:54--> 01:13:30

you just never know. The point is that as Muslims, we can't separate the component of faith. Because in our, you know, in our, in our faith, we believe that there's no such thing as absolute evil, there is no such thing as something that is absolutely bad. There's wisdom behind everything happening. So it's the father is certainly valid, because it's taught to us by the divine. And, you know, it could be that and it could be that reason, also from an Islamic perspective, it could be through that test. And that trial that answers a person into paradise, because the Prophet Mohammed slice on him said that if a person is tested by any need by any anxiety, distress, illness, even the

01:13:30--> 01:13:41

prick of authority, that it purifies the believer from their sense. So it could be through that experience that if a person is patient becomes mature, perhaps you know, I've seen a woman that was in an abusive relationship.

01:13:42--> 01:14:03

And after that abusive relationship, and I remember counseling her telling her to get out of it, hurry up and get out of it. Don't stay with that person. After getting out of that relationship, she has counseled and helped hundreds of women that are in the same situation as her. It basically gave her her calling. It gave her her purpose and happiness. He just got remarried two months ago.

01:14:04--> 01:14:14

Right. But it gave her her calling and gave her purpose. So we, we don't believe that there's something that's 100% that's absolutely, that's absolutely negative. That's absolute people.

01:14:16--> 01:14:40

Alright, so can you clarify that issue? Because, I mean, a lot of times people do think about that green thing as a dream. And you know, this is how it turned out. And you know, a lot of religious people will tell you the same thing. That's why we don't listen to religious people only in Islam, we listen to the religion. Religious people will tell you some crazy stuff. So you'll hear religious people tell you recite some of the thoughts they have 47 times and hop around on one leg.

01:14:41--> 01:14:59

The religion is not responsible for crazy religious people. And so so in essence, the absence of proof, religion means invalid means it's invalid. There is no there is no saying of any of the companions or any scholar, any credible reputable scholar in history that says

01:15:00--> 01:15:32

You should see a dream after you praise the Father. In fact, you know, and we know there are classifications of dreams and it's not. Not every dream that you see is a real dream. It's a true dream. This Hadeeth enough's, there's just your mind literally regurgitating things that you saw throughout the day in weird ways. Okay, putting things together, how deep the nuts this, this exists, even in our faith, if you're thinking about something constantly and consistently, right, if you're thinking about another person consistently, you know, there's a pretty good, there's a pretty good chance that you're gonna see, a dream about that person has nothing to do with revelation has

01:15:32--> 01:16:04

nothing to do with this data. You've just been thinking about that person. And that's how deep enough see regurgitating those thoughts throughout the day. So there's no proof whatsoever. And anything from the sun about seeing the dream, especially not the colors thing. I don't as anyone I don't I don't I don't want to ask the question. But I've never met a person that that I can be worked for that you actually saw a certain type of color. Right? Unless it's just delusional, you might just be lying to yourself or lying to others. No, but, but I've never actually seen that. I had a thing that happened, as I mentioned the papers under the pillow thing.

01:16:05--> 01:16:14

And that was, that actually was a real story that was a true story. Or does a sister and I'm not going to name What country she's from, because then it can get offensive.

01:16:15--> 01:16:43

There's a sister from a certain country that I actually, you know, I actually helped helped her meets who was possibly going to be her future husband. And I was really happy about it. And then she gives me a call the next day, and she's just bawling. She's just in tears. And she's like, and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, because I did this before. And I got in trouble for it. But, you know, she's like, She's like, shape armor. I pray this? And the answer was no.

01:16:46--> 01:16:47

It was actually really dramatic.

01:16:54--> 01:16:57

so dramatic, like what do you mean? The answer was no.

01:16:59--> 01:17:13

So that she told me that literally, in her family and her custom, they literally take sheets of paper. And I've seen I've seen another sister, when their family they take a sheet of gold on and they put it in water, and then they drink the water with the increment. And that's just disgusting.

01:17:15--> 01:17:18

It's gonna help you determine where you're going. But anyway,

01:17:20--> 01:17:22

the dean is simple people make it complicated.

01:17:25--> 01:17:26

One thing

01:17:29--> 01:17:30

the wife of

01:17:35--> 01:17:36

the daughter

01:17:40--> 01:17:48

see, well, there is a different there's a different vendor that we're talking to Xena was a very common name. So we're not talking about the daughter of the Prophet

01:17:51--> 01:17:51

is

01:17:55--> 01:17:57

absolutely not. Not.

01:17:58--> 01:18:01

Not in any school of thought. Absolutely not.

01:18:08--> 01:18:12

What you display in public, which you display your face in your head, that is

01:18:13--> 01:18:15

okay, but absolutely not.

01:18:16--> 01:18:20

And there's no method that says that. I don't know where people got that from.

01:18:25--> 01:18:30

They said there's a minority opinion that maybe that's

01:18:31--> 01:18:32

okay, that's

01:18:34--> 01:18:37

a very lucky shot. It's a very odd

01:18:40--> 01:18:44

All right, anybody else? Well, actually, I know we got a lot of questions. I'm gonna go I'm gonna go

01:18:45--> 01:18:51

sister, brother, sister, brother. So, my question is, how important is your parents from that?

01:18:56--> 01:18:58

How important how important is your

01:19:02--> 01:19:02

personality

01:19:04--> 01:19:06

basically, people judge you from the outside

01:19:09--> 01:19:15

Okay, how important is appearance on the outside? Because people judge you from the way that you dress.

01:19:20--> 01:19:23

The way that I the way that I would answer that question is that

01:19:24--> 01:19:29

as as a Muslim, you are not allowed to judge the intentions or just the hearts of another person.

01:19:31--> 01:19:59

Now, when you seek marriage, you are trying to make your best judgment not of the person's hereafter. Nor are you trying to belittle a person you're trying to make your best judgment essence you should see in your spouse, what you would want to see in your children. Okay, what you would want to see in your children as far as outward appearance is concerned, some of it is important. So if it involves an issue of obligation, okay, obligation or lack of obligation, okay?

01:20:00--> 01:20:42

Then it is important because a person's connection to a lot in the messenger slice that up should go way beyond an emotional connection should manifest itself in practice, it should manifest. We don't believe love and our fake love is not just an emotional attachment. Okay? Love is practice love is what they want us to do, what Allah wants us to do when a loss is pleasing to us. So that's, that's what's important. Now, as far as you know, as far as like, getting overly obsessed with appearance, that can happen to them, I think. And it's a vague question. So I'm giving you a vague answer, by the way, because you're not being specific, because I have to give you a general answer. So I mean,

01:20:42--> 01:20:44

as into, like, you know, some sisters

01:20:46--> 01:20:49

or brothers doing something that's not allowed in Islam?

01:20:51--> 01:20:54

They say those are two very separate issues.

01:20:59--> 01:21:00

What's up guys hadn't?

01:21:01--> 01:21:02

Having.

01:21:04--> 01:21:06

Okay, so if a person wearing the gear?

01:21:08--> 01:21:44

Well, it's one thing is that it's not allowed in a slump. So that's one thing, right? So obviously, if I'm looking for someone a religious commitment, I'm looking for someone of religious commitment, that can be a warning sign. But if I see that all the other things are good, you brought up even a job, if I see the other things are good, then there's nothing wrong with me pointing that out, politely, frankly, to a person, because I see everything is good. But you know, you know, this is hot arm or, you know, this is followed through, you know, so what do you think, you know, is this something that you would see yourself doing? There's nothing wrong with that. All right, but I don't

01:21:44--> 01:21:50

you know, I don't think a person should put themselves in that situation. You know, especially, you know, and by the way,

01:21:52--> 01:21:54

to be really, really, really Frank.

01:21:55--> 01:21:59

You know, when people say that, I want people to know that I don't care about what they think.

01:22:01--> 01:22:30

You know, I don't I want people to know that I really don't care about their opinions. So what do they do? They do things that that can't let go against social norm, to show that I don't care what you think. But in reality, what are you doing, you're sending the exact opposite message, because what they think is still dictating the way that you carry yourself in the way that you dress and your appearance, right, because you're instead, you know, you're trying to send a message, that it's important to me that you know, and I know that you know, and you know that I know that you know,

01:22:31--> 01:22:33

that I could care less about how you feel about me.

01:22:34--> 01:22:35

It's a contradiction.

01:22:37--> 01:22:37

Yeah.

01:22:45--> 01:22:49

Give us space to know, each other before.

01:23:01--> 01:23:22

Okay, so. So the question is, how much space do you have? How much time do you have to get to know person before you get married, and a lot in the messenger slice, I've left that open for a reason. It should be to a point where it's not excessive to a point where what's important is being discussed. So once your conversations are turning into, so how is your day? And what did you eat for lunch? Did you like it?

01:23:23--> 01:23:54

I love you and do night, and then you know that it's gone to an extreme, okay, but it shouldn't be at a point to where you're discussing things that are relevant to the marriage, and to, to a future relationship. You know, to me, it's conducive to a healthy relationship. So when it gets to that point where it's folly, and it's meaningless talk, that's when you know that, that, you know, it's gotten to a point where, where, you know, it would be fun. So that's, and see, there are a lot of things in the city that are left to the judgment, to you know, to your own judgment,

01:23:55--> 01:24:05

you have to know you have to have that topo, you have to have that control to know, alright, it's gotten to a point where I need to make a decision or not, you have to be able to do that. Okay, so,

01:24:06--> 01:24:49

you know, different people are different ways. Some people just hit it off, you know, after after a few times, some people need more time. One thing that I that I'm very, I personally insist on, if I know two people that are thinking of getting married, is that they discuss directly, explicitly, their views on marriage, on the rights and responsibilities of each party. That's so important. You know, one thing that I used to do is I used to, you know, I would say that you give each spouse, a book to read, or each potential spouse a book to read or a lecture to listen to on the rights or the responsibilities that they have towards the other party, and then see if they have a clear

01:24:49--> 01:24:59

understanding because your ideas of the role of husband and wife are collapsing from the start. It's not going to be good. It's going to turn into a power struggle. Right?

01:25:00--> 01:25:01

Just gonna be two people butting heads.

01:25:04--> 01:25:24

Yes, that won't actually know that in Malaysia. before they get married, they get they take a crash course like one or two weeks. There's one point maybe you can elaborate. But another my another question was, you know, you discuss the criteria for marriage and all these things. Can you comment about green card seekers?

01:25:32--> 01:25:32

First thing

01:25:34--> 01:25:35

to look out for bringing that up.

01:25:38--> 01:25:39

First thing is anyone here from Malaysia?

01:25:43--> 01:25:45

I just came back from Malaysia. awesome,

01:25:46--> 01:25:47

amazing country.

01:25:49--> 01:25:50

amazing country.

01:25:52--> 01:26:12

You know, and I was really impressed by just the hospitality of the people. So yes, as the brother mentioned, and I heard this while I was over there, too. Ironically, I did a lecture on various similes. And that was really, really cool because I was learning their social norms, while I was lecturing on marriage and things of that sort. But they actually take a crash course, before they get married.

01:26:14--> 01:26:27

Like they actually have to take a two week course, before they get married. The rights and responsibilities of the husband and the wife, as far as greencard seekers are concerned. For one thing,

01:26:29--> 01:26:41

and in essence, someone that's trying to get married because they're trying to get legal paperwork done. To be honest with you. I've been, I've been in many situations where I've seen people who have who have really, really, really

01:26:42--> 01:26:48

acted in very inappropriate manners with that, number one, getting married with the intention of divorces, how long

01:26:49--> 01:27:03

Okay, that's basically adultery on paper. I mean, getting married with the intention of divorce is so, so the idea of, you know, giving someone or getting married temporarily so that a person can get their green paper is how long, in fact, that's adultery.

01:27:05--> 01:27:06

Number two.

01:27:07--> 01:27:43

So here's the way I break it down 95% of the people that have been in that boat that I've seen, that I've personally dealt with, and this is just in my capacity of being numb for six years in New Orleans, previously 95% of the time, it was insincere in its nature. And it was, you know, I just want to hurry up and get married to someone so I can get my legal paperwork. There was however, that 5% and that 5% can be brought in Word, it's just a good brother, you know, or someone who's really a good person that wants to get married, the green card is not their intention. Okay. And the proof of that is that they're not settling for just anybody in terms of religion character. And so there are

01:27:43--> 01:27:58

warning signs, they're indications, again, it's a very small minority of that group, but who just cannot get married, because because of the the other, the other 95% who have acted in very inappropriate ways. Okay, so that's, that's my take on it.

01:28:01--> 01:28:06

For a man or woman who want to get married, they can't just

01:28:09--> 01:28:15

men and women that don't want to get married, but are being prevented just because of the race, I assumed as parents.

01:28:17--> 01:28:17

Okay.

01:28:20--> 01:28:22

In a certain country, you probably might know

01:28:25--> 01:28:48

that, it's not allowed for the girls to get married to any other race or some other country. So that's a whole that's, that's, that's legality. I can't discuss that vote. So it depends on the situation, if the parents are stepping in, and trying to progress them, or if it's legal, I don't even know how to deal with it. If it's a legal issue, if they're here in America, but yet, they can't go back.

01:28:51--> 01:28:57

If they, if they intend to go back to the country, if they need to go back to the countries of their parents within a country that they still have,

01:28:58--> 01:29:39

is probably a hard, probably a difficult task. You know, look, as far as the parents are concerned, I want to mention this from the start. I think it's important to involve your family from the very start of the conversation from the beginning of the conversation. Many times parents are unjustified, and the things that they put as obstacles. But at the same time, you know, many times that many times there's also some fault on the perspectives of the spouses and that, you know, they've been talking for like years or you know, for a long time, and then they come to the parents and then when the parents you know, started to mention their reasons, which which are sometimes you

01:29:39--> 01:29:47

might argue a majority of the times irrational, they blow up on their parents and it causes this huge Rift. I think it's important to involve, you know, involve everyone in the process.

01:29:49--> 01:29:59

Involve everyone in the process. I don't mean sit between your parents and let them sit and then have that Halloween that. I mean, you know, at least keeps them in the loop. Make them feel like they're important to that decision. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak.

01:30:00--> 01:30:31

You know, try to try to find those things if you are finding that it's difficult to marry someone who meets the criteria of Elon Musk, and also your criteria for marriage, and your parents criteria for marriage. So if you if you're finding that you can't find someone that's combining those three things, and what's standing in the way is your parents criteria, then then that's when you know, you go to any man. And that's, that's when you speak to someone, you know, who's you know, who's considered an authority, and not a legal authority, but rather, it's from Allah. So funny. Oh, it's,

01:30:33--> 01:30:52

you know, again, the ruler, but obviously, there's no ruler in the Muslim community, but the man who takes the place of contract in marriages, which is the place of local fun, he takes that place, when you go to a local, you go to someone who can kind of, you know, show your case, you know, show your case to that, you know, my parents are being unreasonable.

01:30:53--> 01:31:28

If your parents are standing in the way, a marriage, for something that is honest, then you have the right to still pursue that marriage. Now, why do I say that it's important to involve them from the very start is because you don't want that to happen. Because when two people get married, and it's without, and let's say, even if it's technically and legally allowed, when two people get married, and their parents are not happy about that, and there's like, a rift that's created, it does affect the marriage itself. Resentment tends to build between the spouses, right, that you made me, you know, great, great.

01:31:29--> 01:31:46

You cause this resentment breaks between the spouses plus you have two sides that are consistent, you have an external influence on what's already a difficult task, which is to be married and to, you know, and to and to face those obstacles together, you have an external influence that's telling you that I told you, you shouldn't have done that.

01:31:48--> 01:31:54

So that's that's just destructive to a marriage. So I think it's important to involve, you know, involved the relevant parties from the start.

01:31:57--> 01:31:58

Yeah.

01:32:02--> 01:32:03

I can't hear you I'm sorry.

01:32:07--> 01:32:08

Love at first sight.

01:32:10--> 01:32:23

Again, there is a level of chemistry, chemistry is acknowledged in the center. But love at first sight. And actually, I'm gonna pull up this article that I was just reading because it was actually talking about the concept of love at first sight.

01:32:30--> 01:32:39

I got to find a good a good paragraph on love at first sight. And the signals really bad in here, which is why you guys have been paying attention, right? You can search

01:32:40--> 01:32:40

on the internet.

01:32:47--> 01:32:48

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

01:32:52--> 01:32:53

Okay.

01:32:56--> 01:33:33

All right. romantic love is widely celebrated as the pinnacle of love that is marketed as the peak experience. Without much you cannot say without which you cannot say you have lived the signs of its allure everywhere, not just on Valentine's Day. Take the cost of the average wedding. It has rocketed in recent years now easily topping 20,000 pounds in the UK. It is as if couples make a direct link between romantic value and cash value. Or think of the cinema where romantic comedies or big box office I'm reading off the crack screen. By the way, thanks to my three year old daughter. You get the formula right of lovers finally falling into each other's arms, you know hundreds of

01:33:33--> 01:33:55

millions of dollars or again, there are the dating websites that are recession proof 60% growth in spending last year according to reports, love is blind the proverb goes, though it might be more accurate to say we are being blinded by a hyper version of romantic love, and are losing out on life as a result. To cut to the chase. I think that the romantic myth is one of the most

01:33:58--> 01:34:33

is known as one of the most destructive of our times. The myth is that there's someone out there with whom your life will be complete, and conversely, without whom your life would be a half life. A major task of modern life is therefore to find this person and falling in love to cease to meet someone. It's hard to prove though I wonder whether such a view of romance has become so monstrous and the pressure it puts on couples to find fulfillment in each other, that it actually undermines more relationships than supports them. It is socially corrosive because of idealizes love. I already mentioned this one rather than understanding that love is made not found. Love is made in the gritty

01:34:33--> 01:34:46

ups and downs of being with someone who is as flawed as you. So they would protest that such a story shapes the plots of romantic novels and movies and the advertising blurb of online dating sites, but it's not real life.

01:34:48--> 01:34:52

So there's more in this article, but and they actually have some statistics. The point is, is that no,

01:34:54--> 01:34:59

absolutely not. There is a there could be there could be a certain type of chemistry at first

01:35:00--> 01:35:21

There could be some form of affection, but just blindly falling in love with someone at first, like at first sight can actually be the worst thing that ever happens to you because again, it could be that it ends up and it materializes and things that manifests itself and things that actually turn out to be harmful to the marriage and harmful to the relationship.

01:35:40--> 01:35:58

Great questions? I hear a lot of talking on this site. So heads up the question. Yeah, I'm gonna repeat the question. Suppose that if the if the parents are, you know, the in laws are so involved in the marriage that basically they're saying that you're saying to the sun that you either choose your wife or you choose us? Who has the most right?

01:35:59--> 01:36:18

It is not, you know, even Samia Rahim Allah wrote, actually a large, a large, I think it's like 17 pages on this topic. That is much more where he said that it is not permissible for the son but to listen to his parents to divorce his wife when they don't have a good reason.

01:36:19--> 01:36:54

Because you're you're committing void and you're committing transgressions to someone else towards someone else. And the Hadeeth that's used which is that alternative Ababa the a lot of time, who told his son to divorce his wife, and he listened. And the prophets I send them was okay with that was because the prophets license I'm trusted almost as good reasoning. robertstown knows all model the alone and who isn't, would not the person who feared God so much that there has to be a prophet after me would have been, you know, would not have told his son to divorce his wife for trivial reasons. And it turned out to be something that was not trivial. Okay, so it's not fair to the wife,

01:36:55--> 01:37:34

that if my parents tell me divorce her, that I just destroy a family, I destroyed this woman's life, and I destroy everything, because my parents told me no. And this falls under as if it's a me a sad thought, and you must look at it to call it there is no obedience to a creation, when it fails this obedience to the Creator, the parents cannot force the son to divorce the wife any way possible. It's not fair, it's it's transgression, it's oppression, it's wrong. And by the way, you know, a lot of times, for those for those that still want to, you know, again, apply certain customs and things of that sort. And there are good things that we take from every culture as well. But the concept of,

01:37:34--> 01:37:51

you know, one of the things that I see happening in Muslim communities, and particularly, specifically people that are, again, that are trying to fulfill certain customs is that people are not given their space. And that just leads to a lot of flesh. One of the things that's required in Islam, Minister, barman, come with

01:37:53--> 01:37:53

that.

01:37:55--> 01:38:07

Okay, whoever amongst you has the means to get married, let him get married. I'm going to claim Rahim, Allah said, the means to get married include being able to provide a reasonable living, good mouth and a separate home.

01:38:09--> 01:38:47

Separate home, why the woman can have her space, a woman needs to have her space, the mother needs to have her space, the light, nice, diverse space. Otherwise, you're going to have a wife and a mother in law that are consistently at each other's throats. And the sun that's caught in between the husband was caught in between, and the wife is telling the husband that you're not mad enough to stand up to your mom. And the mom is telling the husband that you prefer your wife to me, even though I raised you and I did everything for you. And you know that that's just and you know, what's sad is that the kids see that sometimes it's just it's a terrible situation. So I I don't believe in

01:38:47--> 01:39:22

any way shape or form that when you get married, you should bring your wife into your, into your house right now in your living quarters, and not provide proper spacing, things of that sort. And, you know, there there are exceptions to that. And that's one of the things that's important to discuss before marriage. Are you okay with this living arrangement? Look, I don't have the means right now. To move out completely. Right. Are you okay? If we're on the second story, for example, now on the first story, my parents, you should ask those types of questions. Those should be talked about in the very beginning. But I don't believe all that if a person has the means to have their

01:39:22--> 01:39:39

own home, their own place of living, that they should move the wife into, into the family's house and that's where all the issues come not only with the parents but but also with brother in law. He job is not observed properly, all kinds of stuff happens. So it's very uncomfortable, and it's very wrong.

01:39:40--> 01:39:42

I saw some hands go up like passionately.

01:39:55--> 01:39:59

If a person does not fear for themselves, there is a difference of opinion on the issue.

01:40:00--> 01:40:35

To be honest with you, but but a lot more than the most moderate opinion on that is a person really does not fear for themselves and does not does not care for themselves in terms of right, then they have they can, they can opt for them. It's there. So basically they're depriving themselves of a sudden reward because it's rewarding to get married, it's rewarding to have children that will spread, you know, your knowledge that will be sought upon your parents for you know, those are their sources of rewards in the marriage following getting married as soon in and of itself, and some of the rewards that would come exclusively through marriage that otherwise could not be, could not be

01:40:35--> 01:40:41

achieved. But you would not be sinful if a person chose not to get paid, and they did not fear for themselves.

01:40:44--> 01:40:48

I don't know which I think this is what I've been trying to and I started from the very beginning.

01:40:49--> 01:40:52

Sorry, I'm looking up here. Yeah, so I'm missing the first part, I'm sorry.

01:40:55--> 01:40:56

But

01:40:57--> 01:41:16

the issue of sort of race and racism so people sort of say, Well, you know, what, if you were someone of a particular race, or they're saying to being unconscious of race, but how do you deal with situations where people are using the marriage process as an excuse to be blatantly racist? Not even just suddenly, but like, straight out racist?

01:41:19--> 01:41:21

Point, how do you deal with it as a

01:41:23--> 01:41:41

community level? How do we deal with racism with Muslims as we shouldn't be racist, but it's definitely something on a community level, the first thing is that we talked about it. The second thing is that we lead by example, and that if someone comes to you know, that we encourage people, our friends or family, whatever it is to break that, to break that that taboo, you know, one thing

01:41:42--> 01:41:59

I'll tell you guys, something, I mean, I know some of you are in love with students, right? So you might know chef Mohammed, the city is Egyptian, right? shifting the VEDA Aziz is from Pakistan. So I'll tell you guys a funny story. I went to Germany, a fake conference in Toronto last year,

01:42:00--> 01:42:02

or two years ago, rather, and

01:42:04--> 01:42:05

pharmaceuticals, they're

01:42:06--> 01:42:13

both you know, friends of mine. So you know, my wife was there, their wives are also there. So she is married to a Pakistan.

01:42:14--> 01:42:16

Chetan Aziz is married to an Egyptian.

01:42:17--> 01:42:27

It is so awesome. And it's because here we're standing around talking to our wives are talking also right here. So we're talking there. And so navaids Why is like talking to him in Egyptian.

01:42:29--> 01:42:31

Sharif is like speaking to his wife.

01:42:32--> 01:42:34

Like that's what I'm talking about. Right.

01:42:38--> 01:42:39

Beautiful, beautiful.

01:42:42--> 01:42:58

Also, you see an interracial marriage, there are a lot. Those are things that are beautiful. And I think community leaders need to lead by example. We talked about it, we speak about it on the member encouraged that we don't have the fault that we encourage those who do have the public to start addressing the problem, right of racism.

01:43:00--> 01:43:03

I personally give a football called if Trayvon came to the message.

01:43:05--> 01:43:39

If Trayvon came when the whole Trayvon Martin was going on, the case was going instead of Trayvon came to the message. So I talked about racism on a practical level. I'm not a racist, but I would never marry my daughter, or I would never marry someone of this, this situation. I'm not a racist. But if I see any mom from this race, I'm not going to respect them. I'm going to, you know, I'm not a racist. But if this person walks into the desert, I'm going to suspect something is up. I'm not a racist, but I call people certain names, I use labels that are derogatory, okay, that are that are that are completely impermissible. This I'm not a racist. But So literally, the whole football is

01:43:39--> 01:43:40

I'm not a racist.

01:43:41--> 01:43:45

Okay. And there are people that got up and left in the middle of the football.

01:43:47--> 01:43:48

I'm not even playing.

01:43:49--> 01:43:55

So I mentioned and I was very explicit in the football. Has anyone seen that football? Why Trayvon, if Trayvon went to the most?

01:43:57--> 01:43:58

It's on YouTube, everything's on YouTube.

01:44:02--> 01:44:37

But, you know, in particular, so I was mentioning even in our communities, you know, we we use terminology. So if a person says, you know, the word iPad, or Hulu and those types of things, you are being you are committing a sin. These are, these are, it's sinful to say those things, and to say, well, that person, I don't mean it that way. When did that start to build up when the alarm youngness so that son of a black woman, it was true, he really is the son of a black woman. And it's not about how it's not about how you mean, it's about how the other person takes us. Okay, so these are these these words are how

01:44:39--> 01:44:54

to save them in the context, the way that they said so on many ways, yes, there's deep racism. But in terms of law, I do. I'm optimistic Environmental Action. These are people that are born and raised in Canada, which is not a real country, right.

01:44:57--> 01:44:59

But you know, they're born in the Western Cape. I think that

01:45:00--> 01:45:29

With our generation, that's that stuff is totally crazy. I it's not totally, totally insignificant because some of us are corrupted from our parents, unfortunately, or not just not our parents, sisters, uncles, aunts, sometimes, or people from a culture and we just kept we heard that rhetoric so much going up, that for some minds, we've been polluted. They've been corrupted by that. But I'm almost positive and solid that the generation after us will completely, they would have completely done away with that.

01:45:30--> 01:45:34

Right? I know for me, like, it's funny, because when I go overseas,

01:45:35--> 01:45:58

and I've got, you know, I've got my daughter made, and like my in laws, and like, people are already like, arguing me, like, are you going to marry your daughter to a non Palestinian, I'm like, I'm going to marry my daughter to the best person possible, inshallah, I could care less. I could care less where he's from, or what color he is, or what culture is, and like, they're already like, fighting with me, like, no, but what if? What if she gets like, she's three?

01:46:00--> 01:46:01

Why are you having this discussion with?

01:46:03--> 01:46:04

My daughter was?

01:46:06--> 01:46:18

Like, what if when she gets married, she's gonna want to come to Jordan, and he's gonna want to go to Pakistan or Somalia? And like, what are you going to do? Then? I'm like, well, we'll just have to pay a little bit of extra money and go to different countries.

01:46:19--> 01:46:26

We're gonna have to alternate summers, but just so we got it, we have inshallah, it'll go. It's starting to go away already.

01:46:33--> 01:46:37

question is, what's your opinion on marriages back home?

01:46:38--> 01:46:44

And second question is the cost of marriages these days? What's your opinion on that?

01:46:48--> 01:47:18

All right, first question, opinion on marriages back home. I think we have plenty of prospective spouses here in America. And I think it's easier to marry someone who's from the same cultural context of you that are married from back home. So I'm personally a fan of getting married here. If a person has exhausted all cannot find a spouse here, and then they choose to get married. Back home, that's fine. But I don't think that should be I think it would be priority to look for someone that's been raised in the same cultural context. All right.

01:47:19--> 01:47:21

The other the other question,

01:47:22--> 01:47:24

which is one that I would rent a lot about.

01:47:27--> 01:47:31

Trying to word it in a way that it's concise. And I don't go on a rant. But

01:47:32--> 01:48:15

there are many, all the different costs that are associated with weddings today with marriages today. It's just terrible. So it starts with the dowry. Right, the gallery, which is meant to be a gift, that symbolizes the marriage contract, that the woman is supposed to request, just as a gift to symbolize the contract. It can be tangible in nature. So it can be something small, it can be arranged to be to be a bouquet of flowers. It could be or it could be a recitation or something that there's no more that's mentioned. Right? The Diary could be all of those things. The parents are supposed to have absolutely nothing to do with that. Okay, the diary and the way, if you look at my

01:48:15--> 01:48:53

bosses, what our Dean was, you know, truck the intent of our game, the woman is supposed to request something small. Like some said, the best diary is this is the smallest one. And the man from his kindness is supposed to increase it. So if a woman says, You know, I just, you know, I'll just take, I'll take this thing, right, I'll take this, this, this is good enough for me as a gift just to symbolize the contract. So to start signing the marriage already, the man can come back and say, No, I'm going to give you that and more. I just want to give you more just just to encourage just encourage a good relationship. It's it's, it's symbolic in its nature. It's meant to be symbolic.

01:48:54--> 01:49:14

It's in no way shape, or form a price that All right, we're not because if that was the case that we'd say that foggy but we'll be alone I have the daughter of the province I'm the queen. That's how it looks. She's the queen of the woman women of gender. And her dowry muscle loss why someone had to fetch a shield for it well, the alarm because he had nothing. He had no doubt no gift,

01:49:16--> 01:49:54

the father in law to give him a gift to give to his own daughter just to symbolize that marriage. So there is no woman in the world that's more valuable than father that will be alive. So it's not you know, and I hate to use this word but but I'm being real, it's almost become like prostitution in a way is terrible. All right, it's like you put a really, really high profit like, what are you selling your daughter? Are you selling yourself? we talking about? You know, so those lavish things and it's also not an insurance plan. But the husband can never divorce you or something like that because it's Do you know what to do? Especially the right or the concept and the onset of the diary

01:49:54--> 01:49:55

the default the default

01:49:56--> 01:49:59

unless the stipulations needs immediate, according to the current state.

01:50:00--> 01:50:02

Right, but when someone like puts like a really, really high law,

01:50:03--> 01:50:39

so that you can't Divorce, Divorce me, you're gonna, that's probably not the type of person that would agree to that's like marriage is not gonna care anyways, when he breaks the contract will be like, whatever, I don't have to give you anything. Right? So that's one thing and then the wedding costs, simplicity in our weddings. Like this is something that's encouraging that you don't want to start your marriage in depth. You don't want to start your marriage with how long with an impermissible wedding festivity you don't want to start your marriage with that. Okay. And in particular colleges, you look at the weddings from a similar perspective, the way that they're meant

01:50:39--> 01:50:56

to be, it's so easy, right? You know, two people get together, they have a small moderate feast, or if they can afford more than they have a feast, right that many people, you know, they announced their, you know, their contract when they announced their marriage, whatever it is, right? So go on Facebook, make a Facebook official.

01:50:59--> 01:51:15

We're married everybody celebrate with us, you know, that kind of stuff. It is absolutely not meant to be to drown you to start off with just to start off with wastefulness and extravagance. You know, I tell people, I don't care if your wedding is 100%.

01:51:17--> 01:51:34

And the way that it's carried up, how are you going to meet the last kind of attire that and explain to him how you just blew $60,000 for one night? How are you going to meet a lot and explain that? So with everything that we go through with everything with all the problems? Right, so I I'm just

01:51:35--> 01:51:36

not a fan of

01:51:39--> 01:51:40

the question brother. Yes.

01:51:44--> 01:51:45

About MSA.

01:51:48--> 01:51:48

MSA, as

01:51:50--> 01:52:04

I mentioned, national posted a status on Facebook, about this MSA hookup place. And they give it they give. I mean, the article is pretty extensive. It talks a lot about this issue.

01:52:05--> 01:52:44

I'm personally involved with MST and there's a lot of, you know, meetings and interaction that you do have to have at some point with the opposite gender, especially when you want to have events like this, you know, going into service and all that kind of stuff. But on the other hand, they put it in I mean, they posted an AI on there, which says that the men and the women they believe in men, women are Alia, one another right helpers, and I think that is justify that you can have, you know, meetings and stuff together like that. I'm not sure. But and another brother quotes and I did I remember a time about to have a meeting and MSA meeting, any things I did and says this is the

01:52:44--> 01:52:46

profit curse the gathering of

01:52:47--> 01:52:58

men and women. And we we almost did not have that meeting at that point. This because of what he I mean, he was more like he was the one that looked more religious to me.

01:52:59--> 01:53:37

Yeah. So are there any guidelines as to if even if the MSA is a is a place to look for a spouse? Are there any, like healthy guidelines that we can follow in order to make it? Great question. Great question. All right. I want you guys to pay attention to this question. So everybody heard the question. Okay. So the idea of, you know, MSA as being a platform for people getting together, marriage, those types of things. Now, there are some very inappropriate relationships that do take place under the banner of not just an MSA, in fact, any Muslim organization, there are, there's no doubt about it.

01:53:39--> 01:54:19

So, you know, becomes very, you know, inappropriate, there's flirting, you know, people become flirtatious. Right, they play around with each other. There's stuff that's very inappropriate, that takes place under the banner of religiosity, unfortunately, you know, and there is no justification for that. And in fact, that's what the last call is the method, we still have COVID about, you know, you're addressing truth with false. Right, you're addressing truth to falsely like you mentioned the use of that idea to justify such a thing, which is something that people, people who follow their desires will do, they'll quote, implicit evidence and ignore explicit evidence. Okay, so there's

01:54:19--> 01:54:21

explicit evidence to forbid,

01:54:22--> 01:54:42

you know, people becoming flirtatious seclusion, being alone with each other, which will include cyber fidelity, by the way, being at home with each other, even at on an online version, you know, just being alone all the time spending too much time. There's exclusive evidence to prohibit that. But on the other hand, on the other hand, I have seen some, some

01:54:43--> 01:55:00

good marriages come out of, for example, and loving volunteers, MSA volunteers, why on volunteers? Were it's like, you know, there was a healthy working relationship in the sense that they both knew the other's purpose through the MSA. You know, you got to observe someone in their character and think of things of that.

01:55:00--> 01:55:22

wasn't enough, we just got to observe character. And, you know, that was that was the launching cut for what turned out to be a good marriage. So I've seen that happen also, and those can be very healthy and good marriages. So Islam is, is always, it always lies in the middle. No, the gathering is not cursed as long as the gathering observes the proper conditions, okay.

01:55:24--> 01:55:31

You know, if we seclude so much, if we if we put a barrier that's, that is,

01:55:32--> 01:55:51

you know, that that is just it's so dividing the Muslim non Muslim women never interact with each other, then you're actually you know, you're actually going to that's actually going to result in a greater heart. Okay, so it's between this and between that but but again, and this is, again, your personal Tough luck.

01:55:52--> 01:56:12

When you work in an MSA, it's very hard because it looks you know, it's a religious gathering. Everybody's hanging out. Everybody else is having a good time, but you have to have the tough what to hold yourself back. So you know what, I know this isn't this isn't appropriate, this is going too far. But at the same time, that the other side is also extremism, and extremism should not always be associated with religion with religion.

01:56:31--> 01:56:51

TAPKENT have a vanity and he