Toxic Love

Nouman Ali Khan


Channel: Nouman Ali Khan

File Size: 21.53MB

Share Page
AI generated text may display inaccurate or offensive information that doesn’t represent Muslim Central's views. Therefore, no part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever.

AI Generated Summary ©

The speakers discuss the use of words in the Arabic language, including "use of" and "use of," to describe emotions and relationships. They also touch on the issue of negative parenting and the importance of acknowledging and giving support to parents. The speakers stress the need to address feelings and emotions when not properly addressed and avoid negative language in one's words. They also mention the use of "monarchic and malicious" in English to describe emotions and relationships, but emphasize the importance of letting people experience their emotions and avoiding negative language in one's language.

AI Generated Transcript ©

00:00:05--> 00:00:52

hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah holifield would you demean another watch? I didn't know the minako lamb for mostly just subliminal Allah mumble Quito but he had another financial guru who Allah Messiah he became Manish crew who Allah Nam. On Sunday Allah aliados fully healed from the shuffle. Shami will notice when Kitab in waka waka Molina Bina with hartham say at Villa de la de Bashar v sub no Maria de la bella 30 Ibraheem alehissalaam Hina Kenya debate Allah hi moharram for solo la la he was wa sallam. He hated Oman and Latina barakallahu li him gafford and national Arab amin Houma La Jolla 400 a la la la la la la la la la Hoshi confirmed woke me up Ooh la la umina totally tequila, but

00:00:52--> 00:01:00

hamdulillah Allah, Allah Allah Abdel Kitab la mujer Allahu la vida de la, la de da de da, de da

00:01:02--> 00:01:41

de la la Himanshu de and fusina woman sejati Mr. Lena de la who fella mo de la la vida de la la la ilaha illallah wa Allah, Allah when I shadow under Mohammed Abdullah he was Sulu Allahu Allahu taala Buddha would even have the youth helambu Allah de de Vaca fabula he shahida for Salalah alayhi wa seldom at the Sleeman kathira kathira Amma bad finance da Cunha De Sica tabula rasa halen howdy howdy Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam are in a shorter Marie Martha we're in la de da da da da da da da da la que la la la la

00:01:43--> 00:02:32

la la la la la la la la la administrator Norma Jean naka de ganar, Ghana for use of our equity he is in his car through the use of Hua Hua la Vina Amina Rosa in a bandana football and the movie, total use of our Torah who are done Yahoo la Camacho pecan butter, ko nombre de Colon Swati hain, Frobisher somebody were silly Emily rock that I mean Sonia Kohli, along with a bit and a multi Villa ilaha illa Allah, Allah Hama, Jimena Latina. Amina Mohammed Oh, sorry, hot water wasabi hottie Amira parada mean, today's hobo traveler is about maybe 123 I art of solid use of decided I announced previously that the Chandler my intention in the month of Ramadan is to do short reminders, from

00:02:32--> 00:03:09

solid use of reflections also do so from the beginning and go as far as we possibly can. But in the in getting there. I also wanted to introduce not only myself but my audience, also to some very important lessons and the kinds of unique lessons that light has captured insights like yourself that are not found anywhere else in the Quran. So it stands in a unique place. This sort of for many reasons. There is no other solar that's dedicated to a story, one singular story, the way that this surah is, so that already puts it in a unique place. But there are additional features of the solar that are very interesting, very different. For example, the law says look at kind of use of our

00:03:09--> 00:03:46

equity IR to listen in in that certainly in use of and his brothers, there have been many miraculous signs and lessons for those who ask questions. Seems like a straightforward idea. But I didn't just say you have a lot to learn or I have a lot to learn from Yusuf Ali said I'm a lot also said we have a lot to learn from his brothers. So that's an important thing. Usually we think of we have lessons to learn from those that we look up to, or those that do good, or those that are you know, role models and behavior and they're in their faith in their good deeds and that's obviously the case. But Allah says actually when people fail also, when people mess up also you have a lot to learn from

00:03:46--> 00:04:27

that too. Right. So he didn't just say that you have a lot to learn from use of and there are many is in use of, but he also said there are many IOD in his brothers. But then he didn't just say there are lessons to learn and revelations and miracles and things that we will benefit from for believers. He said Lisa lien for those and I translated that for those who asked questions, but the word saw it means two things. One, it means someone who asks a question meaning if you're curious and you want to know you'll learn a lot. That's the same but the word silent Arabic and also in the Quran is used for someone who is in need. So when someone is assigning, you know, Lissa, if you will

00:04:27--> 00:04:59

my room the Quran says the one who asks, Is actually someone in need or lessons about him? Yes, a lumen festivai will call the Yeoman who officially in a coma to cut the bad and sort of man he says, and a bad translation now that not a great transition is everyone in the sky and the earth is asking him everyone in the sky and the earth asks him but we know disbeliever doesn't ask Allah. The shouting don't ask Allah but they still need a lot. All right, so the word Salah can actually mean

00:05:00--> 00:05:42

However, it can mean someone who is constantly in need even a disbelievers heart is in need of taking the next beat. And it's it turns to allow for that need so it can beat again. You know, even the tongue that disbelieves in Allah and disrespects His Messenger sallallahu Sallam needs the ability to be able to move and gets that permission from a light needs a less still, even the one that is obeys the law. So here, coming back to this ayah Allah says that in use of and his brothers, there are many, many lessons, many miracles, many wisdoms that are for those who are in need. So and that means that this AI is about all of us, because all of us are always going to be in need. Like,

00:05:42--> 00:06:17

it's not just a story about, you know, a person or a Prophet and his brothers or his father, and an incredible adventure, and, you know, tragedy and, and in the faith that he showed through that tragedy, but actually, this is not just about them. It's for any people who are going to have different kinds of needs. And so that's what I'm going to try to highlight today is one such as the opening of the story, how Allah azza wa jal opens the story, and after seeing look at kind of the use of our equity, he is utterly silent. He actually talks about the brothers first. So it's interesting. You will think it's the story of use of use of spoke to his dad that's in the beginning

00:06:17--> 00:07:01

of a surah. But after he says, Do you have a lot to learn from use of and you have a lot to learn from his brothers. Now he's gonna say something about his brothers and this is what I wanted to dedicate to this code, but to is what what Allah says about his brothers, he says, Is carlu sufu ahoo Hubbell, illa abena Mina, what Actos WA, they said, you know, when they said you serve and his brother are definitely more dear to our to our father. They are definitely more lovable to our dad, meaning our dad loves them more than he does us. So let's stop there for a second. Dad loves those two more than he loves us. Our Father loves them more than he loves us. Yusuf and his brother is

00:07:01--> 00:07:04

referring to Binyamin, who has not been mentioned by name in the Quran.

00:07:05--> 00:07:09

So we're already learning there's something about love that we're going to learn in this era.

00:07:10--> 00:07:46

What is it about love that we're going to learn there's a confusion sometimes that happens between what is actually love, and what is possession. When you want to control someone and control how they feel, or you want them to feel what you want them to feel. That's no longer love. That's a kind of control and use of brothers. They have this feeling that dad shows affection to use of his kinda him. He's proud of him. He talks to him all the time. He doesn't give me that kind of attention. He doesn't talk to me that way. What is that? I don't feel special though. Let's take a step back. Who are they talking about? Who's the Father It's Yahoo.

00:07:48--> 00:08:27

And Yahoo are they Salaam is an important figure in the Quran because when fatherhood is talked about Parenthood is talked about yaku and a Salaam somehow comes up. So jacoba salaam is actually kind of a role model parent in the Quran. And it's also important because he's a parent of difficult children, isn't it? So if you're going to need an example for a parent, that not all parents, some parents are blessed with easier children. Some parents are blessed with or tried with difficult children. And they need an example of someone who had to manage the entire spectrum. So he's given us an example. Even until his deathbed the last things The last thing he did was speak to his

00:08:27--> 00:09:07

children. Not that we do not mean badly. I'm going to Shahada it Hydra COVID mouth is kaliba de matar Buddha, Mubarak. Were you there when death came to Yahoo, when he told his child asked his children? What are you going to worship after I'm gone? Like till his death, he's concerned with who his children. So what I'm trying to get at is, you have to get the thought out of your head that somehow Yahoo was an unfair father, that he loves a couple of kids more, and he loves some other kids less, that that idea has to go away. Because then you're you're You and I are starting to think that Yakuza Islam is not a fear human being, first of all, he's a prophet. They're above that

00:09:07--> 00:09:47

anyway. Then on top of that, you can see from the way Allah talks about him in the crime, that he would never be do such a thing. He would never have such and such and, and by the way, if you study this little carefully, it becomes clear to in the beginning, he was concerned for the safety of use of Yes. Later on in the story. His sons come to him, the ones that, you know, supposedly he doesn't love as much, they come to him, and he's concerned for their safety. And he's telling them Be careful when you go back in the city. So you actually find a pretty balanced picture of jacoba. They said I'm in the surah. So to assume that he wasn't a fair father or he loved some and loved others

00:09:47--> 00:10:00

less. That's not an okay thing to assume. But I will help you and myself understand some things about this relationship. Why are they even saying this thing? Why are his sons even saying dad loves them more than he loves us? I'll give

00:10:00--> 00:10:35

An example, a couple of sons, one of them comes back with a 30 on his math test, and another one comes back with a 95 on his math test. Yeah. And the one that comes back with the 95 on his math career, give me I'm so proud of you, good job. Here have the rest of my chocolate. And I'm proud of, I'm happy with them. And the one that got a 30 year man didn't I told you to do your homework last weekend, then they'll tell you to review I was gonna go sit, sit and go over the test with you and prepare you for the test. And you just wanted to play your video games. I don't think that's okay, I need you to go back to your room and think about what just happened here. And I'm gonna have a chat

00:10:35--> 00:10:51

with your teacher. I they're both my kids, I love them both. But my reaction to one is different from the other. And by the way, that kid who got a 30, and he got a little bit of a scolding from me. And some discipline, as he's walking away, he says he's looking at the other brother who got a hug is like, I'm gonna burn your bed when you're sleeping.

00:10:53--> 00:10:58

Like, he's so upset. Cuz dad loves you more. I don't even know why he loves you more.

00:10:59--> 00:11:33

But he's not gonna see that he's doing something wrong. Or he messed up because sometimes a parent needs to give tough love. Sometimes a parent needs to give encouragement and motivation and acknowledgement. If you accomplish something good, it should be acknowledged. If you messed up, you need a little bit of discipline, that's actually a part of love. If you only got hugs and praise and positive reinforcement, no matter what you did, you would be spoiled rotten. That would actually not be an act of love. That would be an act of destruction that would be destructive for a parent to do to let a child do whatever they want, and to behave however they want. I still love you anyway. It's

00:11:33--> 00:11:45

okay. No, there's sometimes it's tough love is needed to. And there's a there's a balance in that picture that we learn in this in the story of jacoba Lisa, but here's here's where the problem starts. His his sons.

00:11:46--> 00:12:26

They felt like they're not being appreciated. They felt in their heart, that dad does love yous of war does love me more. And we don't get that same same kind of look on his face. When he talks to us his tone changes. He doesn't he doesn't go out of his way to sit with us and talk to us. Why is that? Why does he look to you? And there's so little they can even do anything they can. They're just kids. We're the ones that are running the household. And so they say we're not Nosema, we're the ones that are a strong band, meaning we do all the labor, we protect this house. Nobody messes with our family, because we're here. And we're the strength of this family. Were the ones supporting

00:12:26--> 00:12:33

it. He's He's an old man by himself. And yet, we don't get the love and the respect and the appreciation. What is that?

00:12:34--> 00:12:45

Here's the problem. Here's where the problem starts, if any one of them felt this way, because you can't say all nine of them had the feeling exactly at the same time.

00:12:46--> 00:13:17

That or you know, 10 of them had the feeling exactly at the same time. You can't You can't imagine that one of them felt this way or two of them felt this way. But even if they felt this way, they don't know that each other feels this way, right? You don't you can't telepathically feel, you have to discuss it. If you feel that Dad's not being fair, if you feel that dad doesn't love enough, if you feel that dad's upset, I don't know why. If you feel a dad was giving preferential treatment to one side over the other, then the thing that you should have done is go talk to that

00:13:18--> 00:13:54

person and talk that I feel like getting a little shorter end of the stick, I feel this in my heart and the dad would have given him a hug and say No, son, that's not the case, I love you. But the thing is, you messed up here, you did this, you did this, you stole you did this, etc, etc, etc. And that's why I was upset with you, I don't want you to go down that path. And I, you know, I'm with you. And this is, so they would have worked it out. They would have worked it out. But what happens is shame on wants to come between people. And when you feel something negative towards someone you love. Now, this is not just about siblings, and parents. And in close relationship. When you feel

00:13:54--> 00:14:00

something negative towards someone you love, then one of the things that God wants you to do is not address it.

00:14:01--> 00:14:07

Don't talk about it. Don't talk about it with the person who you feel it towards. Talk about our target, talk about it with other people.

00:14:08--> 00:14:41

You know, my dad made me feel today, I felt like so useless. And he's like me too. And the other to start talking until you start talking and first started talking. And before you know it all 10 are talking. All 11 are talking I'll give you an example from my experience that's not about family. It's about you know, social relationships. One time in my when I was teaching Arabic one time, one of my students felt like I was going too fast. In the class lecture, I was going too fast. Now the thing with me as a teacher is, if you tell me to repeat something, I'll repeat it. If you tell me to stay after class and teach it to you, I'll stay after class and teach it to you. If you want me to

00:14:41--> 00:14:59

stay overnight and keep teaching it to you until you get it. I'll stay and teach it to you until you get it. If you want me to start the whole lecture all over again, no problem. I'll start it all over again. My job is to teach you teach you and teach you and if you keep saying I don't get it, I don't get it. I'll come up with a third way, a fourth way a fifth way because I need you to get it. That's my job. But I can't know

00:15:00--> 00:15:40

I telepathically you have to actually why? Tell him? You have to tell me Hey, started. It was a little fast for me. So can you slow down? Or could you repeat that concept, please? Or you could just tell me right? But what happens? This one student goes into break and says I was going too fast answer to why three other students. And those students said one of them says, I guess it was a little fast. But I was okay. No, I wasn't okay. Another student said I wasn't okay. It is fast. Okay, the three of you feel this way. Let's go talk to a fourth, fifth. And sixth. The three of us feel like the stock goes too fast. What do you think? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah. If you, if you

00:15:40--> 00:15:46

guys feel this way, I'm with you. Don't you think we should say something? How many people actually felt this way? One or two.

00:15:47--> 00:15:49

But instead of addressing it, what do you do?

00:15:50--> 00:16:33

You go around. And now even if I'm teaching super slow, they've already programmed their head. He's gonna go so fast right now. I just know it. He's gonna go so fast right now. And then somebody who's on the other side, everybody feels like you're going too fast. Everybody, really everybody feels like that? You guys talk about your feelings later? How would you tell me first? Right. So what happens is in an office, in a family, in a classroom, sometimes one problem were not discussed with the right people, it could be a little snowflake, but eventually turns into a snowball eventually turns into an avalanche. And becomes huge. And it was something very small. These young men had the

00:16:33--> 00:16:35

opportunity to talk openly with their dad.

00:16:36--> 00:16:38

They didn't they talk to

00:16:39--> 00:17:01

each other. And when they talk to each other. Now, even if you talk to each other, you could say, well, you know, that was right for being upset. We did kind of steal a goat, or I'm making that up. We didn't kind of mess up. So I mean, what did you expect? But no, they're gonna say all the good things about themselves? Why does he see all the good things that we do? Why does he only see the bad stuff that we do.

00:17:02--> 00:17:09

And now they're starting to paint a picture of their father in their mind that is not based on reality that's based on their feelings.

00:17:10--> 00:17:25

So you instead of actually talking to someone and understanding where they're coming from, you assume you already know everything there is to know there is to know about someone else. For example, in this ayah, when they said, Dad loves them more.

00:17:26--> 00:17:29

They are more beloved to dad than us.

00:17:30--> 00:17:49

Aren't they talking about the heart of their father, aren't they? And if they're talking about the heart of their father, who are you and I or anybody else to know what goes on inside somebody's heart, but when you create this kind of conversation about someone, then it starts assuming that you know them from the inside out.

00:17:50--> 00:18:11

You can speak on behalf of their feelings to their thoughts to you know, everything there is to know you become an all knowing Judge of them. And then you create your narrative, you create an alternative story. You know, we have such a problem in the political world, when people have alternative facts, right, alternative news.

00:18:12--> 00:18:53

You know, fake news, we create fake realities about people in our minds. They created a fake reality about a prophet who lived among them, their father, that he loves our dad more loves our brothers more than he loves us, while we're the ones that are bad. And then they went so far, so far. He's a prophet, I want you to remember that he's a prophet. And he's been teaching all of his children that he inherited this legacy. Like he told you so far, they sort of probably Brahim or they said, to his haka, a salam to Yahuwah Salaam, you our grandchildren, great grandchildren of Abraham, of Ibrahim alayhi salam, and he's teaching this legacy to them. And what do they say about their father who is

00:18:53--> 00:19:14

a prophet, they say about him in a barnala de la la la movie, our dad is obviously lost in clearly lost and misguidance. Wow, you're telling yourselves that you haven't. Right. And your father is in misguidance, who you know, to be a prophet.

00:19:15--> 00:19:52

That's how delusional your feelings can make you when you don't address them in a healthy way. That's how far they can take you. It's the example of water which is pure, but if it's left standing, it festers. It gets infested. It turns into poison. Water, which is supposed to be a source of life can turn into a source of death, disease, filth, it can turn into filth. And that's exactly what happens to emotions that are not properly addressed. Now, it could be, it could very well be that the person you're dealing with is not like jacobellis.

00:19:53--> 00:20:00

It could be that the person you're dealing with, when you tell them how you truly feel. They're the ones that are actually

00:20:00--> 00:20:20

Actually in some kind of misguidance and turn abusive towards you, that's possible to not everybody's got a Jaco to deal with. So the problem sometimes is about on the end of someone who feels something and doesn't say it, right, that's one kind of problem. But also, maybe they learned not to say it, because every time they try to say they get abused.

00:20:21--> 00:21:00

So they were silenced because they didn't get a supportive or a loving response. But that's not the case here. Now, in those kinds of cases, that's the opposite scenario. And that's actually the story of Musa Infineon where he had to stand up to someone who's abusive in the family. That's a different story altogether. A lot teaches us one scenario in one story, another scenario, another story. So you can look at each case, study carefully and understand how to deal with each of those scenarios. But we're dealing with one of these scenarios right now. And that scenario is when you don't address your feelings, they can fester. And you can create a picture of someone even you live with them, and

00:21:00--> 00:21:37

you have misconceptions about them. And not only misconceptions, you have conviction, you're absolutely convinced this is how they are I know them inside out. And your thoughts are just getting fortified and more fortified and more fortified, to the point where now now look at what they what they did. These two are more beloved to him. They don't even deserve that kind of love because we're the ones supporting the family. You know, that's just confused because what also means confusion. Dad's obviously confused. We need to help him out here because he can't help himself. How are we going to help him Well, we have to get rid of his confused emotions. We can't do that until the

00:21:37--> 00:22:00

problem is there what's the problem use of that's the real problem now it's interesting right use of an his brother are more beloved but they don't want to kill use of Anna's brother. They just want to kill who just use them. They want to kill his brother. Now brother, probably we can we can address that. That's not a maybe let's let's start small. Let's if the problem continues, we'll go after the brother too.

00:22:01--> 00:22:05

They get to they get so far that they're willing to say kill us.

00:22:06--> 00:22:16

or throw him somewhere just leave him in some far off Valley land some unknown Uncharted place. Take him out in the boonies on the highway and just leave on the side of the street and run.

00:22:17--> 00:22:57

This is do that. This is the conversation brothers are having about their own brother. Why is the Quran mentioning this ally is telling us this kind of crazy can happen even inside families. And it can even happen when you come from a really good family. Because you're not going to get a better family than your dad is Yahuwah saddam and your granddad is as hot Elisa and your great granddad is Abraham it does a pretty good family has a pretty noble family tree. And they're pretty messed up the conversations they're having, aren't they? That's a sick conversation. And there's not even go far who worship idols or who you know, throw babies at the altars and sacrifice some alcoholic crazy

00:22:57--> 00:23:29

stuff. These are Muslims. They're raised Muslims. They raised Muslims by a prophet. That's how they're raised. And yet they can get to this point. But this also teaches us there are many lessons here. But one last one for you know, for quick reference is sometimes parents can do everything they can. But when children are young, you know sons and daughters don't are in such as parents, you in a relationship can do everything you can, but when someone else has an emotional disorder, and they don't want to address that, and you can't help them.

00:23:31--> 00:23:33

You can you could even be jacobellis I mean you can't help them.

00:23:35--> 00:23:39

All you can do is have suffered because other people don't want to help themselves. They can't be helped.

00:23:40--> 00:24:00

He's Oh, he's a prophet and he couldn't turn their tide. He couldn't turn them in a different direction. You know, and the crazy they had in their head. What did they say? Yes, Lula Camacho be commando bonobo even in the Sudoku module, because they said throw him somewhere far away. And your father's face will only turn towards you.

00:24:02--> 00:24:16

Meaning this is this is a psychotic this really is let me put it in different words for you. Dad's got so much love. But he's confused. He keeps giving it to use of and his brother once we get rid of use of he's going to be like I got all this love leftover. What should I do with it?

00:24:17--> 00:24:20

Oh, you guys are still here. Oh, let me love you now.

00:24:22--> 00:24:57

This is what you have in your head. You know why they think this way? Because they think that their actions can control somebody else's emotions. Why don't you feel this way toward the way I want you to feel? I want you to feel the way I want you to feel. That's that love that's control. That makes them feel something valuable about themselves because they don't want to look in the mirror what they're doing wrong. They just want to look at why don't you feel this way towards me? Why aren't you giving me the validation that I need. So it's actually more about them than about the love of their father

00:24:58--> 00:24:59

and if they love their father, why

00:25:00--> 00:25:10

They will be caring about their father, right? If they're so dying for the love of their dad, then why is it that later on in the suta the father is crying, he's going blind and they're yelling at him.

00:25:11--> 00:25:50

They're yelling at him. This is low, you know. So it shows you that it's actually not love. It's some kind of a toxic, possessive controlling disorder thing that they confuse with love. And that's one of the things we learn in this sutra is how sometimes pure emotions like love and normal relationships like children and parents, siblings, spouses, normal relationships can become extremely toxic when those emotions are not guided and they're not dealt with in a healthy way. Without inshallah tada concluded his football barakallahu li walakum Hakeem, when finally we are coming

00:25:53--> 00:26:03

to hamdu lillahi wa salatu salam, ala Nina Safa husana for him mahatama bien Mohammed in Meanwhile, he was happy he called Allah azza wa jal

00:26:04--> 00:26:31

Nakula. We live in a condo regime in a lava melodica who is lunarlon the Wii U Alina amanu sallu alayhi wa sallam Buddhists Nima Allahumma salli ala Muhammad Ali Mohammed Ibrahim Ibrahim al amin in the middle Majeed Allahumma barik ala Muhammad Ali Mohammed Kamara tada Ibrahim Ibrahim al al amin in the middle aged about the La La Jolla in the La Jolla San Benito Koba

00:26:33--> 00:26:35

will add a cola Coca Cola

00:26:36--> 00:26:39

Coca Cola insalata cantaloupe, mini Nikita makuta

00:27:08--> 00:27:09

as I have known in

00:27:15--> 00:27:16


00:27:19--> 00:27:21

in the nasima

00:28:03--> 00:28:04


00:28:09--> 00:28:10


00:28:11--> 00:28:14

eco LMP

00:28:18--> 00:28:23

one big a bad idea he had

00:28:25--> 00:28:25

a long

00:28:30--> 00:28:31

long event

00:28:42--> 00:28:44


00:29:03--> 00:29:04

and handling

00:29:10--> 00:29:13

the ear canal

00:29:19--> 00:29:20

see all

00:29:28--> 00:29:30


00:29:52--> 00:29:54

me I love lemon

00:29:57--> 00:29:58


00:30:04--> 00:30:05


00:30:15--> 00:30:16