Speaking The Common Language

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Nouman Ali Khan

Channel: Nouman Ali Khan

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Episode Transcript

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Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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Allah wilhemina shaytani r rajim

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Bismillah handwashed manual Rahim

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Allah

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wa t Ratan Tata Nikita been moving

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in

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an hour.

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Now Nampo soheila in Cabo San Lucas acebeam

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hyena, Eli

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Bobby Lee lemon and law feeling

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in order for us to fully be here

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in a

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sham sour look on me to whom Lisa God

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officially suddenly we're silly MD Dr. Melissa Nia Ollie.

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Well hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah via a will mousseline while early he was at the pH Marian.

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I was asked to talk about

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the divide of communication between parents and children. And this session was originally meant to be something directed at parents. But now that this is a combined session, inshallah Tada, hopefully it will be of benefit to both audiences.

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I'll share with you in the very beginning and advice my teacher gave me, my teacher, Dr. semia, gave me some advice.

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He said when you're going to address or ever give advice to anyone,

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and you wonder how you're going to, you know, put together a topic and give a talk.

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Just let the Quran do the talking. It's called guidance for a reason.

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So find where it is in the Quran that Allah azza wa jal addresses a topic and let that be the speech itself. And so that's what I'm going to try and do in Sharla are living up to that advice.

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One of the most beautiful places you'll learn something about parenting in the Koran will be sort of useful.

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And within select Use of specifically Yahoo via his salon,

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all over the Quran, he is mentioned as a role model parent. Yeah, provide his salon, as mentioned as a role model parent.

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And in this surah, we learned something very special about him in a previous session, those of you that were here, I mentioned how kids couldn't appreciate how awesome sort of use of his they didn't see what the big deal was. Well, I want to highlight at least some of those things, some of those lessons that we can benefit from both his parents as his children and his children.

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You know,

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Yusuf Alayhi, salam, young boy sees a dream. You all know the story, right? young boy, he sees a dream.

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It disturbs him. Who does he go talk to in the Quran.

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Goes talk to his dad.

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You Ever See a teenage boy a 12 year old, 13 year old 11 year old even maybe 910 sees a dream, something bothered him. First person, he goes to talk to his dad.

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Anything small goes wrong in your life, especially a boy.

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And you say maybe I should talk to dad about this is what you normally do.

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If it's a really big problem, maybe you'll go talk to your mom. And when you do, the first thing you'll tell her is don't tell dad.

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But, and then you talk about whatever it is you have to talk about.

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The fact that Yusuf Alayhi Salam went and spoke to his father is already teaching fathers a huge deal. He has some kind of relationship with his child, by virtue of which no matter how disturbed the child may be. And the problem may be big or small. In this case, the problem isn't even a matter of reality. It's the matter of a dream. But whatever problem comes up, I should be able to talk to my dad no matter what I should be able to talk to him. That's the kind of relationship Yakov on Instagram has established with his child. He doesn't have to come and tell him. If something happens. You better come and tell me you hear? No, he comes himself. He comes himself and tells his

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dad that's huge. Before we even learn anything else about parenting into sort of, we've already learned something huge about what kind of fathers our fathers need to be. How easily accessible they need to be to their kids. How easy should it be for a child to be able to come to their parent and say anything?

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You know, I'll tell you something. This is easy to talk about difficult to live by. I have you know come to love and when I only

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had one child, you're very protective of your first child. And the second and third comes along and then you mix up their names.

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Right? Hey, you green, mean, hostile? I mean, number four, or were you three, which one, just get away from them? You know, you go through the extended families names before you get their name, right. But

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my daughter, my eldest when she was in preschool,

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she goes to preschool. She comes home one day, and she comes and she is like, three and a half, four years old. She comes home, she goes to me, Baba, Yusuf is so funny.

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Some kid named Yusuf in the class. He sounds like his use of

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told me everything you know, whose use of and my wife side from a corner of rye. And she goes, can you talk to you for a second? And I came over to what is it? You stay quiet.

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And she took her and she and then she told my wife talk to me later she said, Listen,

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you don't think your child can see that you're getting upset? Again, I'm sure she could. If she sees that you're getting upset next time. When it comes to telling you anything about what happens in class. Well, she opened her mouth or clean, keep it shut.

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Keep it shut. She won't say anything.

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She's gonna hide things from you. And it'll be your fault. Because you look like you got upset. It's entirely your fault. You can close that door on her. Yeah, have to just listen. It's harmless. She's three years old, four years old. What's the big deal? Relax, calm down.

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And you know, as a Muslim Father, you have to kind of get trained into calming down.

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We don't have that training.

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We actually have quite the opposite training.

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Interestingly enough, the the words that come out of use of Elisa Lam's mouth, they begin with yarrabah T. After he, so he's about to tell his dad the dream, and uses the words. Yeah, but you know, in Arabic, if you say yeah, a B, it's a sign of you're addressing your father, when you say your ability, and you add that ta that you hear, it's a show of respect. Oh, my noble father, my respected father, my beloved father, Dad, I love you.

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It's like these terms of respect have been added just by that time, when he addresses his dad, what we're learning is not only is this child ready to communicate with him at any point, at the same time, he's also extremely respectful. And that's not something that's at the same time, it's a compliment to the child. But at the same time, it's a compliment to the Father, what kind of father communicates openly with his child and at the same time maintains a relationship of respect. Because you know, when you get very frank with kids, what happens? They run all over you.

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They'll run all over you and they become too casual. And then you have to become strict because you say I should be strict because that way they'll show me respect. If you come from where I come from Pakistan, there's one way to get respect. If you're a father, be as harsh and as mean as as nasty as you possibly can be. And that is the way you get respect. Now

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you never hear your name said nicely.

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If your name is Abdullah, you don't never hear that. Abdullah, could you come here?

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And you better show up looking all scared. You can't smile If you're smiling at your day like what? You guys have no idea what is this? What are you looking at?

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being angry whether you're and by the way, this is this doesn't. This isn't just for Pakistanis, even though we're awesome at it. Right? It's parents, although Muslim parents are generally very harsh. So just and they think that's what you're supposed to be you're supposed to be disciplinaries especially the father should be tough. So when he walks into the house, there should be absolute silence. Everybody should drop what they're doing. Dad's here, you know?

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Like, everything's going well in the house, everybody's playing around things are happening in

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the driveway.

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Sit still, don't look around. You know, there's that that that culture. What your overlay histogram is teaching us is the opposite.

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This child is most comfortable talking to his father, even about a dream. Even about a dream I want he addresses me commands disrespect. What I'm trying to get at is we thought the formula for getting respect from your kids is being harsh and mean.

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being loud, being scary. That would be the way I will get the respect of my kids. Maybe that worked in Pakistan. Maybe that worked in Cairo. Maybe that worked in Philistine maybe that worked in Syria and in Bangladesh. It ain't working here. It's this here is America. Anyone can hear and you've already tried it and it hasn't worked. And then you come to the moment say my teenage boy doesn't listen to me. What should I do?

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What you should do is realize where you live.

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First of all, seriously, you're

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Not in a culture, you're in a culture where your kids go to school. Your kids go to school and they go with other Muslim Muslim children who when they address their mom, they don't say mom, they say, Samantha come here.

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That's what they do. It's normal for them. That's normal for them. And your your kids go to school with other children who when they're talking about their fathers, and my dad, man, he's so weird.

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That's the nicest thing they'll say, by the way. That's not the bad stuff yet.

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And people kids talk about their parents just like they're talking about some idiot.

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Seriously, that's how they what they hear all the time.

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And then you have our children, you know, you have you know, the parents here. Many of you have funny accents, at least to your kids.

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It sounds funny, it sounds weird. You know, and they hear and they were trained in a culture to constantly make fun of other people who just trained that way. So guess what, if you're an easy target your parent your kids, behind your back, even making fun of you.

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There's no respect is what I'm trying to say. And your idea. And my idea was, if we're extra harsh, we'll get their respect. No.

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If you're open, if you're a genuine friend to your children, if you're a source of nurturing and protection for them, you will have their respect like nothing else will gain it. And you will, you will maintain a communication with them that otherwise cannot be had.

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You know, one of the biggest problems we have between parents and children is that children as they get older, they stopped talking to their parents.

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They don't talk to them.

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How many parents here have teenage kids? Sure, let me see your hands in Nadella here. We're in a larger home.

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Honest to God, I am terrified for all of you. I went to a youth program with my daughter who was eight at seven at the time I took her to a youth program where like there were 500 teenage kids 250 boys 250 girls, it was a weekend thing. All these high school kids are their Muslim kids. And these are supposed to be the good Muslim kids. These are the these are the boys that somewhat look like they're praying. And these are the girls that I think that's a job. Right? There's these are those kids. I spend some time with them walking around on campus, and then I had to just walk away. So I took my daughter and we're sitting far away on a bench and I'm sitting on a bench and I'm crying.

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And my daughter asked me why are you crying about what happened? I said you're gonna be one of those things in six years.

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I'm not gonna be like that. Yeah, you are. Yeah.

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It's coming. Everywhere. I know, when I first had a child, I used to be like, Man, this is hard changing diapers. Crying gotta wake up at night. burpham. You know, you pick them up and they won't go to sleep. Then they start teasing. And they get a fever, all this stuff. It's hard. For early parenting. It's hard. So you go to parents who have older kids, you say to him, Hey, it gets easier, right? When they're teenagers, it gets easier, right? And they say,

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enjoy this.

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I'll take the smelly diapers any day over my 15 year old. Man.

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It's crazy. I'm there is a gap. There's a gap. But there's something to be said about the role of parents in creating that gap. Though there's the the crime is on both sides. I'm going to start on the parents side. Especially fathers guys, especially fathers, you come home from a long day of work, you sit home and all you want to do is nothing.

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Just want to watch TV flip the channels watch news. Watch where the Dow Jones Industrial Average, you want to check what's going on in the world, even though you won't remember any of it. Nor do you care. But this is your form of entertainment. And your kid comes over your five year old comes over. Dad Look what I made. Look what I did that play with me.

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Come on, let's do something. Let's play tag. And they're talking to you talking to you talk to you. What are you doing?

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Could you see me as I'm trying to watch? And you'll cause me Can you?

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Can you get rid of him? Please? I just came home from work. I need some peace. I don't need to hear this. Don't you have toys I bought you go play with those? Same child 10 years later. He's 15 years old, and you're picking him up from school and you say so son. How was your day? Oh,

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what do you do?

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Did you talk to any friends? Maybe? Where are you going to go later somewhere? What are you going to do? Oh,

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they won't talk to you. And then you come I come tell the mommy You know, my kid doesn't talk to me. Yeah, you didn't talk to him.

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You didn't talk to him all this time. You didn't have time. You didn't create a relationship first. how's it gonna just come out of nowhere? It doesn't and those are the ages by the way. 1011 1213 those are the critical ages. At those ages. You know before then parent children are most obsessed with making money.

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Their parents proud.

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doesn't even matter what religion you're from. This is just pure site child psychology. Young children just want to make their parents proud. They want to show their parents what they've done. The biggest source of influence to them is their parents. Not in my household, I shaved my son's head, and I say, that looks cool. I'll do it myself. So it's the other way. But usually kids want to be like their parents. You know, they want to do everything their parents do. If I'm sitting there typing on a laptop, I'll tell them what even my two year old, give them a toy and leave that alone. He wants to type on the laptop. Why? because nobody's doing it. They want to be like you. But that

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changes as they get to a certain age. Now they want to be like their other friends. And more importantly, they want to be nothing like you.

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They want to be the exact opposite of everything you are, they go through that phase, they're getting into a dangerous age. And that critical age, if you didn't already have a very open, friendly, clear, transparent, loving relationship. If that wasn't already there, you're in for some serious trouble. There's some serious trouble headed your way. I bring up suit abusive, because at a young age is already showing respect and open communication that's critical for both parent and child. How many of us are having dinner every night with our children?

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And when you do sit and have dinner, how many of us actually talking to our kids, actually talking to our kids? You know, in the age of cell phones and texting and all this other stuff in cognitive dissidence, you can't even carry a real conversation with another human being, let alone your children. And I feel humbled. I have three girls. Two of them were going to school up until last year now all three of them go to school. And I used to pick them up from their school. Do you know how much girls talk?

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It's Energizer bunnies got nothing on girls. They could talk and talk and talk and talk. You could fall asleep, you wake up, you're still they're still talking to you. They're still talking to you. They don't stop.

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And so I'm picking them up from school. And when he starts telling me about you know what happened today, my hair clip fell out, my hair cut, the purple one fell out and other people and was still able to win the purple one fell out my friends and your purple one fell down. Pick it up. So I picked it up a little dirty on Saturday, then I cleaned it up a little bit when I put it back on. I didn't get on the right way. So I took the purple one off and the pink one off too. And then my friend only put them back on

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that. And you know what I should do at this point, I should say, Aha. Yeah, like I'm totally zoned out. Not listening. But actually I have to make it a conscious effort to actually listen and say so what happened to the pink one then?

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What about the purple? I have to actually listen? Because you know other and if you're not listening, your kids know

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your kids know if you're especially girls they really sharp they pick it up. Like I said a bla bla bla bla bla and you're losing $150 Ah ha ha.

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It's happened to me. I've caught myself.

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Right? It'll happen.

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It'll happen. But we have to become good listeners, especially the fathers, especially the fathers. The moms naturally ally has given them certain gifts. Like parenting comes more naturally to a mother Allah has given her that gift. He just makes her nurturing, soft, caring concerned. just naturally, fathers have to work on it.

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You're sitting at home your child falls down. Who gets up immediately ohmmeter with jello yoga. Who does that the Father Father sitting there a pick yourself up child.

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In this equation, your question you are

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dusted off. Nothing Nothing. That's nothing. Don't worry about it. That's a little bit of blood.

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A mom will go crazy. It's natural to her. I'm telling the fathers here if we want our children to be raised in Islam The first thing we need to be is their best friend and that takes work. It takes serious work. Parents here fathers here you but you guys have to get in shape.

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I'm serious. You have to get in shape. Not for yourself for your kids. You come home your kids want to play with you and you just have to pick me up throw me around do this you do a little bit of

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almost got a lie down Hold on.

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That's not how you raise kids. You know, taking our kids hiking, playing sports with them, taking them to the backyard and even if they're playing video games, play video games with them. Play with them. You know play the Wii with them. bowl with I don't care. It just starts do stuff with your kids. It's a critical part of opening barriers. So they can talk to you about anything. Because I'm telling you when they reach a certain age, the need to talk to someone will always be there. You would rather that person be you not some non Muslim friend who will give non Muslim kinds of advice. You would rather that be yourself.

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You don't want to discover your child has developed another personality later on in life because you'd never talked to them. And eventually you actually engaged in a conversation and you realize, well, this is a different person who are you? You've been living under my house all these years. When did this happen? Oh, it doesn't been happened, daddy.

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And then happened you just never knew you were busy.

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You were busy. You have to make special time for your children. It has to be just their time and if you have multiple kids, you have to go out of your way to make sure each child gets individual attention and time from you. No one else you know toys, no gadgets, no nothing. Just you. It has to be there. It's absolutely critical. Now let's talk about what Yusuf Ali Salaam said.

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What did he tell his dad in Neeraj a to Shara coca ban was shumsa while camara are at home. Please Sajid in.

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The translation says I saw 11 stars the sun and the moon. I saw them making such that to me. There's so much missed in that translation. First of all, he mentioned the verb I saw twice. He says I saw that I saw 11 stars, the sun in the moon. Then he stops and he starts over again. He says I saw Have you ever seen a child who's reluctant to tell you what happened in the playground?

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They come home dirty. Or some other kids crying? What happened? I was playing. I was playing and I was playing and then and then I was playing. And then

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when they get to the part that'll get them in trouble. They'd rather what start over again.

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are on is teaching us Yusuf Alayhi Salam was so disturbed by his dream when he gets to the part that really bothers him as a kamar his dad making such that he's so bothered by that he starts over again.

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Then he says Lee he doesn't say about a to him. saggi Dena Lee he says at home Lee saggi. This is called metallic. We'll have a look at them. That's a grammar term. What it means especially is to me they were doing such though why me? He was shocked by that. The part that he was disturbed by as mentioned and disturbing language style. Then he uses the word saggi Deen saggi Deen in the Arabic language to make such that is only used for people that are arkin

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the Arabic word to use for non human things making such as either sajida or saggi that he uses saggi Dean, this is the language of use of phonics. And this is how he's expressing the dream. You know what a lie is telling us. by him using the human one of the interpretations of that is It is as though this intelligent boy had already figured out what his dream means. That's what disturbed him even more. He had already figured it out, because the kind of language he was using is used for human beings, not for the sun and the moon and the stars. And it is that helps us understand the next idea more because immediately, his father complements him. And he tells him that he's going to

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have a great future with two things. Well, two things that I just say What does his father do?

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Number one, he complements and number two, he's gonna have a I didn't hear you. He's gonna have a great future. Sound familiar? That's just like you right? As a dad. You compliment your kids all the time you tell them they're gonna have a great future. No, you don't.

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You don't tell them that.

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It's almost as though it's haram to compliment our children.

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It's almost as though it's forbidden. You can say you look nice. today. It looks so good. Great job on the test. I'm so proud of you. You're doing wonderful. Keep it up. He can't say it. It hurts. It hurts too much. For our for Muslim men. It's sometimes it's very painful to compliment your wife. It just hurt. I understand that hurts in the liver, right? There's a particular spot over here in the ribs. sharp pain happens when you compliment your wife. I understand. So the moment you compliment her to ease the pain, you have to say something mean right after that. Right? So you said your wife the dinner is pretty good. Could you use more salt? Like you have to balance the equation or you

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can't just say something nice. And that's what she says. Can't you just say something nice? You ever heard?

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That's what your wife what would your kids it's even harder to say nice things. Especially where I come from.

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We're really good at not saying nice things. Your child struggles in mathematics he's doing poorly is not very tuned into mathematics. He usually gets a 7065 on one day that same child gets a 95 on their math test. greatest day of their life. They've never seen a 95 before. Then they bring it to you, Mr. Pakistani father.

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Got 95 what do you do

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next time, get 100

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Come on, come on.

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How hard is it for you to say something nice.

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We have to compliment our kids because it builds their confidence. We learn in the beginning of this amazing surah that has a father complimented his child, putting in him confidence. And later on in life, when a crisis hit a country. It was his confidence that saved that country. He stood up confidently and said, Give me this job. I'll take care of this economic crisis. I know how to manage it. That takes confidence. And in the beginning of this era, we're learning where his confidence comes from. His father is making him believe in himself. What can radically htb Cara buka when you come into the Hadees these words are very interesting use of Allah jacobellis. I'm saying, that is

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how your your master is teaching you you only mocha mocha, mocha, you only mocha he says he's teaches you and will teach you the Medallia includes both forums. In other words, Yahoo while Islam realizes this kid is special. Each diva in Arabic is used when you recognize a when you select something based on a talent. Seeing a dream is not a talent.

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The fact that use of Orlean Salaam saw a dream is not a talent, the fact that he figured out what it means now there's a talent. And this father is sharp enough to see talent immediately and spotted and use the word work as alika vichara buka. You're not just special because you saw a dream. It's also special the way you described it, you got something special and he clearly was teaching you how to interpret different kinds of speech and he will continue to do so. And not only is he doing so now when you Timonium Mata Hua and he will complete his favor upon you. He's making the offer his child's future, he's not saying things like you and I say you're a loser now you're always gonna be

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a loser. You're such a disappointment. Five minutes, awesome. It's not a license plate, thank God. So I'm happy about that.

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He's giving him compliments. He's, you know, affirming the good talents of our of his child. What that means for us as parents is if your child has certain tendencies, certain talents, you have to acknowledge them. And you can't unless you listen to them carefully. It takes a careful year of Yakuza exam to see this kid is special. Have you not been listening, a child comes down I saw a dream 11 stars Sun and Moon they were making sense to me, aha, let me finish watching the news.

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won't get you anywhere. Even a child deserves to be listened to carefully. That is the son of jacoba his son,

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even a child, you should listen to them carefully. They're not just ranting and raving. They have something to offer. They have something to say.

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You know, before you send your child to a therapist, or any mom, there are people who say to the speaker, and I have done I've gone through this so many times. parents that are having trouble with their kids, usually teenage kids, you know what they do?

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snowman must have some special solution for us. So they'll grab their teenage boy or girl bring them up to the stage and say another one can we have a minute of your time? Yes, this is my son. He's very bad.

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Say something.

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Now two people are in a very awkward position.

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This poor guy who's like humiliated for no reason. who already hates my guts now even though I have done no done him no wrong. What am I supposed to say to him? I just say Sorry, bro.

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shouldn't put you on the spot like that. Nobody's He's good. But he's very bad.

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All they'll say Go bring some daughter, some girl. She doesn't even want to come. Can you talk to her? She doesn't listen to me. I was like, no matter what I say won't make a difference. You think I have a solution just because, you know you. You find that you heard my speech and it affected you maybe by Allah's permission, that I'm just gonna have some words for your child and everything's gonna change. No, it doesn't work like that. You You can bring about that change, not me.

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And you have to make dua to Allah. Now let's take another I know it's five minutes. I don't know how I'm going to cover all this. But a few other things. A parent is very clear about who their children are, if they spend a lot of time with their children, that not only do they know their strengths, they also know their weaknesses. They also know their flaws. They also know they have an anger problem or they get jealous really quickly or they get worried they rush into things or they don't do careful enough work etc. They know their tendencies. They don't use them to attack them all the time.

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They don't use that to humiliate them all the time. They still compliment them for the good they have but they're aware of their weaknesses. That's the other extreme in Muslim parenting. We come from a good family therefore our children are genetically incapable of sin

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because we come from a noble family

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You know, we're from Lahore. There's nobody ever does bad deeds in Lahore. So, our kids are immune from sin when the karate was talking about youth that have problems. Then he's talking about somebody my neighbor's child, not only my child, not me. You know jacoba, asylums, kids messed up.

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Not all of them were useful.

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Allah says you will learn a lot of things from yourself You will also learn a lot of things from his brothers. Look at Canada for us so far, what he what he had on this island It's incredible. Allah says in use of an his brothers there are many lessons many signs for people who ask from the successful example of a child and the unex unsuccessful example of children both of them are very important for us to learn how to be parents. This is counseling from Allah

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last comment I'll make with you.

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You can do everything you can as a parent, you can communicate clearly you can be merciful, you can be kind you can try to provide a good religious education, you can be concerned you can make sincere dollar to Allah. You can be a parent like the like the likes of Yakov Allah, He said me alone make us all like that. Good parents like jacobellis around but that does not guarantee that your child when they are no longer a child, when they are an adult, that does not guarantee that they will commit themselves to guidance. You don't have that in your hands. guidance is not in the hands of parents. guidance is in the hands of Allah, you can do everything you can. You can even be Yahuwah

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Hassan who is the son of his Hawk, who is the son of Ibrahim alayhis salam and you can still have messed up kids

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who do some pretty bad stuff. And they did.

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So I'm saying to you just because you put in your effort does not mean guaranteed guidance is guaranteed for our children. A point comes where even look man has to tell his son and we understand that Look, man, well, the Allahu Ana would have been an amazing father. He still has to tell his son yagoona Yella to chick fil a in a Chicago Nazim jacoba a salon. His children have already made Toba. You know at the end of the story, they made Toba everything was good. Everything was good in the hood. Basically, he's about to die and he's about to die and he's still not sure whether they will be guided or not. So he says my motto bounnam embody

00:32:17--> 00:32:17

I'm going to show

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his colony when he met him daddy were you around when death came presented itself to Yahoo? What did he say? What are you gonna worship after I'm gone? I'm not sure.

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You better you because you're on your own. At that point. You're on your own Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam tells us party model the Aloha ohana. Yeah Fatima to been to Mohammed tequila in Isla de la comida. You should have Taqwa of Allah, I will have no authority for you before a law. You're on your own when it comes to guidance.

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We have to instill that into our kids. That's a critical teaching that we have to first internalize ourselves and instill it into our children. Last bit. I promise. I will stay within line. Is there a timer? I'm good. Okay.

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Last bit.

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In regards to this conversation, the patience of parents. This is probably one of the most important points I think I can make this. I haven't been tested with this yet. But I'm sure I will be as my as my children get older. Some of you are being tested with this already. Your children as they become teenagers, they start turning into monsters. They talk back they roll their eyes. They say obnoxious things. They speak under their breath. You tell them you Did you finish your homework.

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What do you say nothing.

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I heard you say something you're always telling me something.

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I'm not lying. I didn't see anything.

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Right?

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There becomes so epic in their emotions. Can I go over? Can I go to their house for a sleepover? No, you can't.

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Ever. I've never been happy in my life because of you. But

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they become really epic. Like these monsters living in your house, like you're almost afraid to talk to them. Like if you talk to them, they'll explode.

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Zane up Why?

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But you know what, at that point, when as they get and they start getting older and older and older, they become more and more independent. I'm talking to the parents for a second. You used to change their diaper, used to put food in their mouth, used to burp them used to clean them used to feed them. You used to close them. They didn't decide what color clothes they wear, or what size diaper they'll put on. You did that for them. You were they were completely under your control completely. And then as the years go by, you lose a little bit of control, then you lose a little more control than us a little more control than you say you will go to that college and say No, I won't. I'm

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going to go to that college. You're going to do this major. No I won't. I want to do that major. You're gonna marry her. No, I'm not I'm gonna marry her. Okay, once you get married

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Get a job here. No, I won't, I'm gonna go get a job there. I'm gonna live here, I'm gonna name my kids this do you start loose, you start losing control as they get older. And when that happens, you feel angry.

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This, how disrespectful My children are, they don't listen to me. They don't listen to me.

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You know, at that point, I want you to appreciate something,

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especially with rebellious kids. First of all, there's a time you have to learn to let go. They're adults, you shouldn't try to control their life, when they get married, leave them alone, be nice to them, be nice to your family, be nice to your son, be nice to his wife.

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Just let them live their life don't invade their life, you're not going to bring any good out of it, you're miserable, and you're making them miserable. Don't do it. Let them be let them be at peace. Don't interfere with how she is as a mother, leave her alone. Let her be let her breathe.

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And if the if you know and on the other hand, of course, the balance the equation, sometimes the husband will not give the rights of the parents and just for the sake of the wife, the wife says don't go to your parents house and he says I won't go No, you might have to balance all of these things. But this conversation is particularly about parents who don't know when to put the brakes on and let go a little bit. You have to let go for the sake of your children. Not just in their Dean, but in there ask her to if you're not happy with them, how can I be happy with them, you're digging their hole in jahannam. When you're constantly unhappy with them, learn to be happy with your kids.

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When you talk about think about all that that usually almost same parents when they think about their children, they think all of the things they should complain about. Think of the things that are wonderful about your child. thank Allah for the demo of your child. Be grateful for what you have. So what if it's not perfect? There's no agenda. It's an agenda. So this was the point I'm building up to this one point. jacoba his salon son's messed up pretty bad. They didn't just mess up his car.

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Right? They didn't just break the kitchen sink. They didn't do some minor damage. They left their brother in the woods. That's pretty big.

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If you do something messed up and your parents find out, you scratched up the car.

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You have you had a you put a virus on your dad's laptop.

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You went through your dad's pet you know those files that are useless papers that he has in the house that he never reads, but he never likes to touch them. You accidentally shred those?

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You know, the ones that he'll never read ever, but they're really important to him. For some reason. One day, he'll make paper planes of them. But now you can't touch them though. So you shred them by asking what's your dad gonna do? He finds out?

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I don't want to know.

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I don't want to know will explode. He'll explode. These guys come into the house before jacoba salaam showing him a fake blooded shirt.

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What does he do?

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I would you know what I was expecting. If you don't know the story, and you get to that point, you're like, oh, whoa, this is gonna be bad.

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These guys are gonna get it.

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What comes next? For sovereign Jimmy? I'm just gonna find beauty and patience. When I read that, as a father, I could not understand

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why I'm almost like it was almost like I'm sitting in the same room with jacoba. Like, why would you say summer?

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Why do you should be angry hit them at least smack one of them. One of them.

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Nothing is a surprise. Jimmy mastan.

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He knows they're lying. He says I'm going to have Southern why. The question is Why did Quran tell us that? It's a really important question. Because that same question comes up in your household life all the time. Your kids say things do things that make you so angry, and your immediate response is anger and the response of jacoba. Salaam is peace, patience. The question is why? Because he's a really, really, really intelligent father. We learned that from the beginning of the surah. He knows his kids very, very well. They haven't even planned against use of yet. But he said Watch out. They might plan against you that he call it. He called it like a play. He called it

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because he knows his kids. So he also knows there are times when yelling at your children will make things worse. And the only thing you can do is patience. This is one of those times yelling at them will not do any good. The only thing left is patience. Some of you not learning it. You yell at your kids, your your 18 year old you yell at him, he yells back, he slams the door, he walks out of the house, you yell at your daughter she starts crying. She doesn't talk to you for three days. Then you yell at her again. It happens all over again. You refuse to learn the lesson of Yakuza. They said on sovereign Jimmy there's an age your children reach where all you can do is have summer and make lots

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and lots and lots of dogs. And then somebody will come up to me at the end of the street and say brother, I've been doing summer it's been like three days I've been doing summer nothing has changed.

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You can put a timer on your software guys.

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jacobellis Allen has suffered, does it pay off eventually?

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Those kids eventually come around by Allah's grace they do right? Does it happen the next week, six months from then a year from them two years from then 10 years from now, it happens A while later, right? Just trust a lie and have Southern at a certain point. These are some basic teachings of Allah's book. These aren't just stories. These aren't just stories. These are the best of all stories. Why? Because every little bit of this story has things that makes my life better.

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make our lives better by his guidance.