Feelings, Words, & The Mess They Can Make
Channel: Nouman Ali Khan
File Size: 28.89MB
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a previous occasion I've spoken to you extensively about an Ayah from silicon Zarb. And that AI is about speaking clearly, you are letting Aminata cola Hulu colon sadita. And I talked about the benefits of that particular iron what we can take away in our lives from it. So speaking clearly is one directive in the Quran. But speaking beautifully is another separate directive in the Quran. And that's what I'm going to speak to you about today, the importance of beautiful speech and what it actually means, and what that can, how that can better our lives. If we just take this one thing that Allah has said, and implement it, and in fact, it's not just something that benefits you and I,
but if we fail to implement it, it brings a lot of chaos into life. And so we're going to look at how that can affect your life in mind, and how we can perhaps protect ourselves from the damage it can do. So I want to start with something called a default, Default means there is a sudden, all of a sudden change. So for example, if I'm talking to one person, and all of a sudden, I stopped talking to them, and I start talking to somebody else. So I did is different from this person to that person. Or I could do it in the fact of a subject I was talking to you about cars, and all of a sudden I started talking to you about the weather, that would be the default.
There's a kind of a default in the Quran. It's done very strategically. Sometimes Allah talks about some people, and that's called the third person. So he's talking about them, and they, and the Israelites, or whoever, in this particular case, the Israelites. And all of a sudden by this in the same idea, by the time he gets to the end of the IR, he's not saying they he's saying you. So there's a switch from vai to you. And that's a big switch. When you're talking to somebody and you're saying, I heard about them, they did this, they did this, they did this, you did this, you switched over from them to you. Those are two different groups. Right? So what happens in this IRA
that I'm about to share with you the 83rd, if social dakara is one this kind of is the fact and I want your attention on that because part of what we're going to learn has to do with this and the fact this deliberate thing that Allah does in the Quran, this transition. So he says Subhanallah Medina, that when we took the Covenant, the promise
From the children of Israel, that you shall not worship anyone other than Allah. And you will be the best you can possibly be with your with both your parents. So he's talking about what he said to them. You won't worship anyone other than Allah, you will be the best you can be to your parents, and to close close relatives, and to the orphans and to those who can't help themselves into my psyche, and you shall speak to people well kulula Nasty husband and speak to people in the most beautiful way. Speak to people beautifully That's what he told them speak to people kindly beautifully in a good way. Well, people salata Otto Sokka, and establish above and beyond all of
that, establish the prayer, maintain the prayer, preserve the prayer and give the charity that you're it's due to be given does occur. Then so this started all of this started with they were given this promise that he says then after that, not expect a lot to say. Then after Allah took this promise from them, they turned away. Right because he took it from them. And they turned away he says some instead of me hearing so much our low in LA kalila min. Home, we're home Margie Boone called so much our later on in law kalila min calm, welcome to Marleybone you turned away, except for very few among you. While all of you were purposefully ignoring what was taught, all of you are
deliberately ignoring so we went from they to you. Now this is important for the Israelites, because when Allah gave them this, that was many, even though this is the time of the Prophet salallahu alayhi salam, when Allah gave them this instruction, it was given to them through Musa alayhis salam, that was 1000s of years ago even for them. And they've had many generations since then. And the Jewish community that the Quran is speaking to in Medina, is actually 1000s of years and many generations apart from the community from whom this promise was taken. The original children of Israel, you know, the ones that were that were given the Shetty of Musa alayhis salam. So what did
Allah do? Allah? In one IRA, he spanned several centuries. He spends several generations and basically told them the same thing that was told to them, it's understood that it apply to all of you.
And it's unfortunate that you people turned away, you people turned away. So Allah is making them concerned, not with what the people in the past did, but what they're doing. For matawa. Layton, Illa kalila men calm Well, I'm Tamar evil. Now this becomes a direct criticism of the people that were actually alive and listening to the prophets. I said, No, this isn't just Oh, the Israelites were given something. And they didn't follow it in the past, he brought it into the present. And in doing so, he taught the Muslim something that when Allah criticizes even those who made mistakes in history, or who were given a responsibility in history, but he switches it over across 1000s of
years to the present, that's the mindset I'm supposed to have towards the Quran. The words are alive, and I better if Allah had blessed those people with Revelation, and they ignored it, then now Allah has blessed you and me with Revelation, are we ignoring it, and if we are ignoring it, then we're not that different from those same people that Allah criticizes, and he calls them but it was like, they were modeling the same behavior. So in doing so, Allah has given me a formula, right? And it's a pretty scary one, that if I be if I behave, my my attitude is the same as them, that I'm no different than them, the ones that Allah criticizes. Now, having said all of that, look at the
instructions inside of the site, they're the same ones we have in Islam. Don't worship anybody other than Allah.
Be the best you can be to your parents. acabado Buka, Allah taboo, Illa iya will be valid, any sunnah, that he says, after you're the best of your parents, then he goes on to, you know, within CORBA will your Tama will Misaki closest relatives, after closest relatives, orphans, after close after orphans, those that are poor, those who can't help themselves. Now there's a progression, the closest one to you is Allah. You're the best to Allah, when you're the best to Allah, then the first demonstration of that is how you are going to be with your parents, the best you can possibly be. And if you have developed this gratitude to Allah, and this appreciation of your parents and the
excellence towards them, then it's not just I'm good to my parents by hate my uncles. But I'm really good to my mom and dad, but my cousins, man, they fight if they show their face, no, that transitions over to how you deal with others. And that the first recipient of your goodness is actually your siblings, your uncles, your cousins, your extended family, even your in laws. These people that are close to you in your life. They become recipients of your goodness. It's rewarding.
couples that Allah has created the teaching a ripple effect here. It starts with Allah Himself. And then it goes over to parents. And then it goes over to extended family. And then he says it goes over to orphans. Why? Because you realize that families are blessing parents are a blessing. And then there are those who don't have the blessing of parents, they've been tested with not having parents alive, kids. So you develop a compassion for children that are tested with that. And you and in this, what is a lot hottest that worshiping Allah makes your heart soft towards the pain of others. It makes your heart soft towards the pain of others, even others that you don't even know.
Because this is this is something Allah put inside the heart of a believer and actually put inside the football, the human being. It's in the nature of human being to feel compassion for others that are suffering. So he says, Well, yeah, Tama, and then the kids that are suffering, that's the first recipient of Our Mercy. So obviously, children are given a priority. And then on top of that, he says, well, Misaki, but it's not only kids, anybody who's stuck in a situation where they can't help themselves, people that are economically stuck, people that have lost their job, people that are chronically ill, and can't take care of themselves. There are all kinds of people that are in the
category of Misaki. Now you're concerned about them. Also, you're doing the best you can towards them as well. Anybody you can Mm hmm. And at the end of all of that, you say, well, I give charity, I'm good to my parents. I'm pretty decent with my family. And I take care of everybody else do I check, check, check, I cover all those bases. Right? Even though for most of us, that's a really hard thing to do for me and you, that might be really hard to do. Because some of the most epic drama that you face in your life comes from your family, comes from siblings comes from uncle's comes from parents comes from children comes from spouse, right? So the most arguments you have are
not when people that are three degrees of distance from you. They're the ones that are right next to you. They're the ones that give you an eye the hardest time and we give them the hardest time. And so if you pass through all of that, what does he say? What kulula NASA hosts that's interesting. He said, He could have not mentioned them of B or metallic here. But he did. He says, and you're going to speak in the most beautiful way to people. In other words, it's not just I take care of my people, and everybody else, you better watch out. Nobody better mess with us. Right? Before they get to put me down, I'm going to put them in their place, you have this kind of gangster mentality that
I learned actually, when I was in high school, when I came to United States, it's the antithesis of what I had learned living in traditional Muslim societies. But when you come here, you have to become rough. And you have to become, you know, aggressive, almost, why because if you come across that way, nobody will mess with you. Because the norm is somebody will put you down, somebody will target you, somebody will, you know, bully you in some way or the other. And you have to come across as someone who cannot be taken for a ride, you have to become tough, right? And in doing so, what's the best way to do so? Well, you got to learn some pretty bad language. If you're not if all your
friends are cursing and everybody else is raising their voice and getting you know, outrageous, you know, you notice that the people that are the safest at school are the people that everybody else is scared of. So you better develop some scary, you know, qualities in your personality also, so that people don't mess with you, which is the opposite of kulula, nasty hosta. speak kindly to people. So this is inculcated into us. It's put into us. And in fact, the only time people learn to speak nicely is when their either their life depends on it. Excuse me, officer, I'm so sorry, I was speeding. That's the only time you're going to speak kindly. Right? Or if your employer your boss,
you're going to speak kindly, sorry, boss. Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm late or your teacher who's going to fail you now you're going to speak kindly in front of a judge in a courtroom. You'll speak kindly but the waiter at a restaurant, why do you need to speak to them kindly? Hey, why are you late? Excuse me, I'm sitting over here. All of a sudden, the moment you know, you don't get some benefit out of it, or you're not scared of the person, then you can go back to your gangster ways. Or you could put everybody else in their place. You know, you can yell and scream at the guy at the cash register guy or the you know the waiter at the restaurant or whoever else reminded of a story
that a friend recently told me that they you know for in Ramadan, they went to a father the restaurant, it's very busy. Right and if our time came, and they've they didn't get the food and usually they serve dates, you know, at least you break your fast but they didn't even serve the dates. And they prayed Maghrib and they're still waiting and they don't even have water or dates. It's been 40 minutes they haven't broken They're fast. So and you're already hungry, you know. So you're pretty upset and the Raider keeps the lady keeps passing by. And she keeps like avoiding it. You know, sometimes the waiters they avoid eye contact on purpose like because because they will
you'll you'll give them the stare of
Death, they know that so, so they know you from the side of their eye they can see and they ignore you and they just go, right. So finally, 40 minutes later she brings the dates to the table and water. And one of the people sitting at the table said,
Did you break your fast?
Because Muslim lady?
She said no.
And she gave her data and said, to break your fast.
Now that's, that's kulula Nasty husband. Right? But we would normally what will we do? What kind of restaurant is this? Let me speak to the manager.
I mean, seriously, you do not see us here, you pass us by 40 times. Like there's, this person didn't have an agenda to ruin your life, and, you know, starve you to death. So you suffer the consequences of not having a thought on they're also doing the best they can. But you know what this is, it's a lack of empathy. We're not able to, you know, there's there's a consistent look, you know, logic developed in the Quran. First, you worship none other than Allah. And what does that do? That you Allah knows all your faults, Allah knows all your faults. And then after Allah who the people who know you the way, the way nobody else knows you as your parents, and you're good to your parents.
And when you're good to your parents, you're good to family. And you know, the trouble that happens in family, you know, who's in trouble, you know, who's having a hard time you know, sick, you learn to see people's pain, when you're good to them.
And as this and then you get Tom and Misaki and those are people that are in pain and suffering. So you realize, with that experience, you realize a lot of times people look okay, on the outside, but they not be they may not be doing okay, so I need to develop a kind of kindness in the way I speak to people, God knows what they've been going through. Allah knows. So Apulian as your host, not just speak beautifully to people to speak, speak kindly to people. And this was given, like, what baffles me is this was given to Musa alayhis. Salam, right. And Musa alayhis salam
remarkably, is actually the, you know, he These are children of Israel that started with use of a Salam you know, the sons of Israel, right and Jacoba Islam that legacy, and in that legacy, the brothers of use of used to speak bad about him.
And so much disaster came in that family's life because of the way they spoke about each other and to each other.
You know, the sun spoke to the fat father badly. In McAfee, Bali, Kalka Diem, you're just confused old man again.
Bala heat after otaku use of anger was expressed in that way. And now generations later, those children now have 1000s and 1000s of children. They're a nation now. And Allah gave them this vast law. Jewish law is actually pretty, pretty vast. I've spoken to rabbis before they study, they studied their traditional books, 1415 years, and they still don't have a grasp of it. And they do two or three PhDs are on average some of their top scholars two or three PhDs. And they're still there. Here's turned gray, and they're still studying. They're called a bar for a reason their hands were dipped in ink. And what did Allah do in this IRA, he took all of that law that they have. And
he summarized the essence of it and part of the essence of it is speak kindly when you open your mouth, hula and NASA everybody you know what that does? It includes my parents and includes my spouse that includes everybody and the prophets like Selim says hydro complete only Allah He write the best of you are the best to your families. You know what that means? That the best words I use should be for the husband, the wife, the mother, the father, the brother, the sister, they should get the best words what happens in our families, if you invite somebody over? Oh, they're coming. Clean up the house. Why is that there? What are you doing here? What do you do? Oh, my God, you
still don't lay still isn't done. Are you seeing this right? Oh, and there's this like, it looks like an angry kitchen. And there's a there's like a civil war happening inside the house. And then the bell rings, the guests come over the bell rings, and all of a sudden, everybody becomes a model citizen. So they're ready, go, how are you?
The worst of it is for your family. And the best of it is for strangers outside and um, you should be good to strangers. But there's a principle here. The kindest words I use are supposed to be for my own family in the smallest things, not in the smallest things. You're sitting there at the breakfast table and your wife left. You know, she she didn't put you know you like two spoons of sugar or whatever it is because you want to make sure you get diabetes early. So you want two spoons of sugar. So she only put one you notice her point one.
Now at this moment, you have to decide how am I going to let her know I mean choice a you know you always do that right? And you know, you know I don't like it and you do it on purpose because
It really bothers me. And I hate that about you, I just want you to know that it's noted.
Or you could also say, seriously again, again, right? Yeah, cuz I only need one, right? Yeah, cuz if your mother was here, you she would have gotten three.
But I only get one, I should even be grumpy did you spend in it first, you have other comments you can make? Or you could just shut up and put it yourself
and not say anything? You could, you could do that. Because what if you just took a step back and say, what are what is going to come out of my mouth doesn't have any beauty in it isn't going to make my life or anybody else's life even a little bit more beautiful.
Now, go back to that waiter that, you know, served 40 minutes late, when when when a customer asks have you had your spa, and she gets that date, that might be the most beautiful moment of her day.
That's just a small act of kindness, I believe, most beautiful moment of the day.
If you can't see something good, and it's not that big of a deal, the sun will still rise. If you didn't put the sugar in the cup, the sun's still gonna rise, you're still gonna breathe oxygen, the universe will continue.
You know, Allah hasn't brought her to an end, it's not the end of the world, then maybe you shouldn't say it.
And the same goes for the wife. Not everything has to be commented on. Not everything has to be critiqued. Sometimes these words, what do they do? They take the beauty away from a moment.
They you're enjoying something together, and you say something, you say something negative, you know, why are you sitting like that? Why didn't you do this? Why did you do that? How come you didn't do this.
And it's not even something bad, is just I just like to correct and correct and correct. You know, when you do that enough times, then what develops over time is a distance between family.
You don't want to be nobody likes to be around someone who's constantly criticizing.
Nobody likes to be around someone who's always sarcastic. You don't pick friends, like if you have friends like that, that are always nitpicking, you stop calling them back, you stop by being around them. If your family becomes like that, if you become like that with each other as a spouse, if you become like that with each other as siblings, or parents and children, and guess what it's no surprise that you don't spend as much time with each other. In fact, every time you do spend a little bit of time together, the conversation when it goes beyond five minutes, it becomes very, very negative. It just turns it just turns ugly. And you and I have been given the ability to
realize when we are turning a conversation into something ugly, we've been given the ability to recognize that. The last thing I wanted to say here is a connection that's often not made, or at least in my view, not made enough. And I want everybody myself also to be aware of that.
Allah has made us human beings with a whole set of emotions. In the course of a day, you can have any number of emotions, your emotions could be anger, they could be sadness, they could be excitement. They could be you're just in a hurry or stressed you have anxiety. It could be boredom, you could have any number of emotions throughout the day. Allah did not deny us feeling emotions. But What gift did he give us? As believers? He Unlike others, what he gave us is now that you have these emotions.
Others might say somebody else who doesn't have this faith might say, Well, I have the right to feel what I feel.
I have a right to my feelings. But you know what they're saying? What they're actually saying is, I have a right to say whatever I want, however I want. Because I have these feelings? Because I'm angry. That's why I said it. What do you think I don't have a right to be upset? No, what the Dean comes along and does is you have a right to be upset. What you don't have a right to do is take your anger and use words now that are ugly.
You can actually express your anger still with beautiful words.
Without letting things get ugly. I didn't like what this was. And I want to make sure that this doesn't turn into something worse if you if there's something you want to talk to your family about. That's not that's negative, there's a positive way of bringing it up. There's a less sarcastic, less confrontational, less hurtful, less critical way of bringing it up. And you and I have to actually engage in this exercise. What's that exercise? I need to think a little bit before I open my mouth? Is there a lens because you you know, you know your wife better than anybody else, you know your husband better than anybody else. You know your family better than anybody else. You've had the same
kind of fights a million times over. So now you're smart enough to know if I use the same exact kind of
words I did last time to express my frustration that might not work out so well. That's going to be very hurtful. So I need to find better ways of communicating it. And that's kulula NASA hosts now.
That's that's the essence of kulula NASA hosta
words are not small things. People feel that they, like I said, with a police officer with a judge with everybody else. There are consequences for using words the wrong way. But your family
when I were when we were engaged, then I was really careful about how I talked to her. But now we're married now she's stuck where she gonna go?
Now you could speak to her now? And she says, Yeah, well, what's he gonna do now?
And then he says, You didn't talk to me like this before? And she says, Yeah, cuz I mean, that's not the time to do that. This is the time to do that.
Because now now I can truly express my feelings. No, expressing your feelings in a healthy way is what is needed, because the best of it should come out with our families. And the consequence of that is dire. The very next idea in the sewer is about the Israelites killing each other, you know that the very next time there's a logical flow, why? Because words cause wars.
Words, destroy families, there are things that were said to you years ago, you still remember them because they hurt you.
They were you still remember them, like they just happened. So on the one hand, people feel that their anger, their frustration, their whatever stress, gives them license to speak, however they speak. That's one thing that I want you to be mindful of that you don't become like that. I don't become like that. The other side of it. And this is the last thing I'll share with you is that you and I have to develop empathy. In other words, maybe you're not angry, maybe you're not upset. Maybe you're not frustrated. Maybe you're maybe you and I are just insensitive. Maybe we don't realize that the way we speak is hurtful. Just because I don't think it's hurtful doesn't mean that, that
it's not hurtful. I have to be other if the other person say the way you said that really hurt me. You said what? I said a normal. That's how I always tell her I just called you fatty, what's your fat?
I mean, I can't speak the truth anymore.
You know, in Islam, we speak the truth. Now you could turn
you can become impossible. You could you could be obnoxious. You could turn it around. And when you do that, obviously you're not interested in conversation. You're interested in digging in your heels and making things worse, right? But if you really want it like this, this takes a man and Allah, if you really be you, and I become mindful of Allah, then when someone points out that we've hurt them with our words, we will take that very seriously. And we will say, I really want to understand how I did that. I didn't realize it. Let me let me take a step back and think about that. And maybe they're right about something, maybe there is something I could have changed. Maybe there's
something I could have said better. Because if we don't do that, then I'm I'm afraid for myself, you should be afraid for yourself. Allah azza wa jal says, Well, you don't equally houmas that in Lomasa that the worst kind of Hell is for people who speak behind people's back and hurt their feelings or speak to them in their face and hurt their feelings. And the cool there means they come in all shapes and sizes. There are all kinds of phrases, expressions, facial expressions, you can use communication forms, you can use sarcasm you can use that can categorize itself under Lomasa, Houma and Lomasa in fact, so it's not it's not just a thing, oh, you're just too sensitive.
You know, why do you have to make a big deal out of it? Words aren't a big deal in this theme. Words are a big deal. And I don't want you to, as I as I speak this, I don't want you to take this, you know, I'm sorry, where is this video getting posted? I need to share with my wife.
She really needs to hear this. Or I need to share with my husband he really needs to hear it. Oh, can I send this to all of my in laws?
Because they really need to hear this. You know, we all feel that somebody else needs to hear it. But Rasul Allah says, Allah, who wanted a message that everybody in the world should hear us to say we'll see come when FC beta Cola has urgent. I counsel you and I counsel myself of the Taqwa of Allah, like, you know, woman, so Nicola Medina, Allah Wa, I mean, oh, sorry, hello, Carla in the knee, mineral Muslimeen. I am from among the Muslims. I am speaking to myself. I need to learn to speak to myself. I need to carefully analyze where I might fall in short in this and for any sincere believer, they will not turn this into a contest. You see, there's a hot bar that scores points
against you. And this whole bar puts me mean you know, when you start using a religion to win a contest, then the deen of Allah is not supreme. Your ego is more supreme than the deen of Allah. Right? So you and I have to humble ourselves to the word of Allah, and I pray for our own benefit and for the benefit of those that we love.
We become Kinder with the words that we use with each other and become more mindful of speaking when things are going to have a beautiful consequence. BarakAllahu li Walakum filco Hakeem when a fire anywhere er can be it when they kill Hakeem.
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