Conflicts Between Spouses

Nouman Ali Khan


Channel: Nouman Ali Khan

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Allah in the Quran did not talk exhaustively about marriage, like he didn't describe all the things that make our marriage work. There are very few places in the Quran where Allah gave us some insights. And basically, it's like instead of describing the entire building, he mentioned a few pillars. If those pillars are not there, the building is going to collapse.

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In the beginning of this ayah Allah opens a statement by saying Irvingia Lu, our Munna Allah Nisa, men are caretakers over women, men are caretakers over women, the word awam has several meanings. And the first of its meanings Comarcal. insaan is supposed to truly hear avato Like it's the word awam means they are a source of stability for women. That's one of its first meanings, that men provide stability for women. Men are a way by which they are protected. And men were protected not just physically or financially but also emotionally protected. So they're a place of security for them. And then how am I if I look at, when somebody is committed to doing something, then the the

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verb karma is used when they've made up their mind and they're going to do something meaning men are committed to the care of women. Men are charged with the responsibility to protect and care for women. Then Allah azza wa jal, you know what in the use of this word, it's remarkable that this word, we have to understand that it's sacred, because from the same letters cough, wow and meme. Actually, one of the other names of Allah derived from this word is Allahu La ilaha illa, who will who will consume you and Allah describes himself in the Quran is Ka Iman will test or even will kiss which is from the same origin. So Allah has used a word for men. That is actually it has some of the

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attributes that Allah uses for himself. So we have to understand what that means. When Allah calls himself a human. He's saying he's the one that will Yanet at Emory healthcare, he, he's the one who plans things out and lays out an entire sequence of events for the His creation, we're in charge him what is to Him, and to ensure that they're growing and to ensure that they're provided for meaning when men become awam. They're doing their very best to have an actual plan for the women in their, in their, you know, in their wing in their households. You know, another place in the Quran, Allah describes married men, as seen with Assad not with the scene with Assad Mazzini that's actually same

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surah and that actually means to bring women inside of a fort. Meaning a fort is a symbol of protection isn't it and so if you once you get married, she's entered your fort, she's protected from all sides, she is protected from everything else and and afford is self sustained the food is provided for protection is provided for shelter is provided for everything's taken care of. And that's the idea of a Matson and a woman, interestingly enough, are described as more sonnet. women that are inside of the forts, meaning they don't like to go out of the for to the, they want to stay within that forte and they are described as someone who accepts that role that the husband is

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playing. In any case, Allah then says Be my football Allahu Allahu Allah bound. And this responsibility of being in charge of the care and the needs and the protection. You know, for women, this responsibility comes on account of the fact that Allah decided that some will have preference over others. Now this is important language. Allah didn't say we might forget Allahu Allahu Allah hinda. He said, Be my football Allah Who Baba whom, and above, because Allah has given some preference over others, you know what that means? That means in some things, men have a preference, Allah has given them an advantage over women. And in other things, Allah has given women an

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advantage over men, men have to take certain responsibilities, if they're going to be the caretaker or the, you know, the provider, and you know, the protector and all of those responsibilities. That's actually a privilege Allah has handed over to women, you're not responsible for any of those things. And so Allah then opens it even further and then talks to the men and says, what we might infer cuminum Wiley, him, and that's because of what they have to spend from their monies. Now, Herein lies the key, Allah in the Quran did not talk exhaustively about marriage, like he didn't describe all the things that make our marriage work. There are very few places in the Quran, where

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Allah gave us some insights. And basically, it's like, instead of describing the entire building, he mentioned a few pillars. If those pillars are not there, the building is going to collapse. Right? And one of those pillars is that the money responsibility is the man's responsibility. He better go find a job, he better go get some work, he better go and provide because that is actually what Allah has respect made him responsible for the word awam in the beginning, is now being explained by the fact that men are financially responsible for the groceries for the car for the fuel for the electricity bill for the school, you know, school supplies for the kids, everything

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everything and that starts from the very beginning, when you get married, you're taking the responsibility of paying a man or a dowry. Right. And some people, they love to have a high number for the dowry for their daughter. They say it's gonna be 100,000 or 50,000, or 250,000, or whatever, they put this crazy number. And they're like, no, no, it's okay. You don't have to pay it now. So okay. But Michelle, we should have a number that looks good. And then people are married for 20 years, and the guy hasn't paid his dowry. That's ridiculous. Because this is a condition of making a marriage valid. You can't put that off. You can't just keep kicking the can down the road. And a

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husband isn't even allowed to say to his wife, hey, by the way, can you give me a discount? I know you put 50 Can we take a few zeros off of that? Or how about I give it to you not dollars, can I give it to you in rupees, same number, you know,

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you know, I'll give you an Zimbabwean currency or something, I'll give you some other currency that, you know, cuz you know, come on, just go easy. I have a hard life. Look at all the things I'm doing can use a skill. If you agreed to it, then you signed on, if you didn't want to agree to it, and you shouldn't never sign that document. You're actually not even allowed to hint that you have trouble paying your map. Men aren't even allowed to hint at that. For improving Allah calm enough, someone who che and after you pay the dowry, like if you if your monthly payments you're making you give her like $500 or something 100 bucks, whatever you give her, that's part of your dowry that you're

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paying off, and you pay her and you're like, Fine, here's, here's your monthly,

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you know, this week was really tough this month was you can't make none of those comments. And then she takes those $100 from you. And then she takes out $1 Bill and says, Hey, go get yourself some ice cream. If she does that, then and you say okay, thanks, you can take that if she did it on her own. But once you're handing out money, you're not even looking at that money anymore. It ain't yours. That's part of being a man. According to the Quran, it's part of being regional Qalamoun. I learned this. So you know, when and the reason I was kind of one of the reasons I was pushed to give this lecture is because lots of people email me all kinds of questions. And there are many men

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around the world whose wives are being told to go get a job and work while they're sitting at home, Muslim men, and they're saying you have to obey your husband. What kind of ridiculous religion is that? Allah azza wa jal made men responsible financially. And they can't even say you have to go and we were having a hard time you need to earn this or that, look, if there's a desperate situation, and a wife decides to go get a job and support financially or do on her own. That's a voluntary thing she's doing that she cannot be told to do. And if she does that, if she does get a job, if he does have a business, if her father left behind some stores or some property in her name, and you're

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like, Hey, can can we get some of that too? Because I'm your family? No, no, no, no, no, no, that's her money. You can't touch it. Allah made this equation in which she has a financial advantage, meaning your money is basically hers. And her money is hers. And you can't look at it. You can't keep your eye on it. You can say whatever happened to that? What happened to that jewelry? What happened? Is it none of none of that's not yours in touch. That's not yours to touch. And whatever you gave her, like you say, hey, you know, on our 10th anniversary, I'm gonna give you this car, that you know, once you gave her the car, it's her car. It's hard. You can't even take the keys and

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say, I'm going no, you gotta get her permission. And she better give it on her own good free will no pressure, not even unspoken pressure that you can touch their car because you gave it up. It's done. It's done. What are two Nyssa Ducati, hinda and Athleta and give women their gifts, happily and freely? Don't Don't even think about them again. Don't even think about them again. So this this financial sense that men are supposed to have is critical. And Allah mentions that as one of the first conditions of what makes a marriage work. What makes what makes them men? Original kappa Munna Allah Nisa, removeable Allahu Baba, Mala bout ba ba ma infomine unwieldly him, when they take that

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kind of responsibility, where the wife doesn't have to ask, Hey, we don't have food for groceries. We don't have we don't have money for groceries. We don't have this. Oh, I gotta give you again. You know, and for a lot of men, you know what they do? They feel that they owe financial responsibility, or financial help to their brother, okay to their sister, to their mother and their father, who may be financially already taken care of, but you still want to give them but you're not giving financial needs to your wife and your children. That's not being a man. That's not being a man. And some people are in financial abuse situations where I've even seen cases where the bank account is a

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joint account between the husband, the man and his mother. And the wife has no access to the account. What kind of what Islam did you learn? Where did you get this from? And the wife is being constantly told, by the way, that's our son. It's like, that's our property. You're just renting it.

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You know, this is what the wife is being told. If you wanted to act that way, then you should

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You had no business getting married. If you wanted to treat financially treat the spouse this way, then you have no business being in the institution of marriage. This is a first and foremost principle. You know, there are people who give my hair, they give marriage gifts or even at the wedding ceremony, they give lots of presents. And then a couple of days later, the guy's family says, Hey, can we have those back? We need them from for our daughter's wedding.

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Once you give it up, you've given it up. It's done with Now let's flip to the other end the sisters that are listening to this right now we're like, Yeah, finally a football team. Ladies. Well, you know, Allah, as I told you, in the beginning, Allah is fair. There's a balanced equation, Allah loves both sides, men and women, Allah told the man what responsibilities they have the rest of this, the hotbar is actually the other side. What is What are the Okay, so manager is responsible for all of this, and the better, you know, drip their sweat, and break their backs, earning for a family and go through all of the labor that they need to go through to take care of them and provide

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for them and protect them and take care of them emotionally and financially and physically and all of those things. Well, what are the women? Oh, then, well, what's their side of this equation? Well, Allah azza wa jal starts with not. You said, Men take care of women. And you were expecting that Allah will say, women, therefore do this, right. But instead of saying women, he said for salejaw, then, and then as a result, therefore, good women, good women, he doesn't even say women, he says, Good women, as if Allah expects the first thing for women to be as good, not even women anymore, you must be good. And what does good mean in Arabic, the word salad comes from Seoul. So means the

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opposite of fighting, the opposite of corruption. Actually, when there's a conflict, then you want to make peace between two sides, you do so meaning women are the source of what such wives are the source of ending all conflicts in the family. They are a source of peace and reconciliation, they are the reason tempers go down, they are the reason voices are lowered, they are the reason they are the source of calm. They are the voice of reason, there is a source of reform, if there is a conflict or some kind of tension, the first place that the husband looks to where things when he turns to her things are going to settle down is going to be the wife, for some of you like

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seriously, because all the fighting is actually you're you're telling me that the place where all the fighting starts for from is the place where it's supposed to end, because I don't have any other raised health voices in my house except hers. And nobody else is angry in my house except her. So the guy is kind of the men don't take care of their end. And women don't take care of their end and they become a source of great tension and conflict. Allah starts by saying that they are a source of reform. They are settled, they're calm, they're actually peace themselves, goodness themselves. They are the removal of all sorts of tension. That's the first quality. Then he says, carnita, tone,

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eager to obey and some have interpreted this as eager to obey Allah. And that is true. They are eager to obey Allah, you know, they translate this is subservient like quinoa, quinoa, that collude belongs to Allah and Allah says qumola, high quality meaning have Hulu's meaning have this kind of eagerness to obey only for the sake of Allah. But what is what in the world does that mean? That means What's that doing here? Because you know, if one side was men should do this for women, you expect the rest of it to be women should do this for men. So we're in the middle of that is Allah saying, yeah, they should do this for men, but this part is for Allah. Well, the reason that's there

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is because women should remember that when they are being a source of calm, and when they are providing peace and Sakina in the household, they need to realize the only one who can keep keep a household calm is them.

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And the only one who can truly set it on fire is them. They control the emotional like, you know, you're in your home, you have an air conditioner control that controls the temperature, women control the emotional temperature of a household. They control it, and they better keep it cool, because this is an act of them obeying Allah Himself. This is out of their eagerness to obey Allah, they need to become a source of calm. Hey guys, you just watched a small clip of me explaining the Quran in depth as part of the deeper look series. Studying the Quran in depth can seem like a really intimidating thing that's only meant for scholars Our job is to make deeper study of the Quran

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accessible and easy for all of you. So take us up on that challenge. Join us for this study the deeper look of the Quran for this surah and many other sources on Vienna under the deeper look section