Solving Marital Conflict And Attaining Marital Bliss

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Navaid Aziz

Channel: Navaid Aziz

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah Allah, Allah, he was asked me, well, Manuela Am I bad.

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I remember some time back, I was attending a conference, and I was in an elevator on my way to my lectures. And usually when I'm about to give a lecture, I usually like to get into the zone, I like to focus in what I'm doing, and like not to be disturbed whatsoever. And what was happening that day was, there was a lot of miscommunication between myself and the organizers. So the timings that I was given, were totally off the brother who was supposed to come and pick me up from the hotel, he was extremely late, and I was getting upset at that.

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So the bullet finally shows up, we get into the elevator, and I was on the 34th floor at that time, just out of like, a possible 35 hours on the 34th floor. And just getting from the 34th floor to the lobby, it takes about five minutes. Now, when you're in an elevator, you know, and stopping on each floor is going to take even longer. So one of the things I was dreading is that, you know, going down 34 flights of stairs is already going to take some time. The last thing I want right now is people getting in on each and every floor. So it takes us like 10 minutes or 15 minutes, which would just make it even worse.

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So then, you know, we started going down, and I'm like, I'm humbled that we're not stopping up until we get to like the 28th, or the 27th floor, and this couple walks into the elevator, this couple walks into the elevator, and it's like, some serious awkwardness. Now, people generally when they see someone with a white soul of a long beard, you know, white hats, there are like 1000 things that goes through their minds, especially when they're alone in an elevator with them. You know, they're thinking, Okay, when is this guy blowing up the elevator? You know, once you're going to do that, as you know, should we even get inside the elevator, you can see all of these thoughts on their facial

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expressions, as soon as they see you inside the elevator. So this couple they walk into the elevator. And generally I like to break the ice with something, I'll be like, you know, how's the weather, how's your stay in the city or the, you know, just something silly like that, just so that they don't feel awkward and that they feel comfortable. Now, they didn't even give me a chance to do that to the man who walks into the elevator. And he just looks me straight in the eye. And you know, when someone's looking at you straight, it's very hard to keep a straight face that, you know, imagine you're playing that staring game. And you see who's the first one who smiles or whatever.

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This guy's looking at me straight in the eye. And he has me and me thinking, What on earth is this guy thinking? What is he doing? for like, 10 seconds, that's all that he's doing? And then he finally throws out a question at me, that's totally crushes my mind. And he says, Did you see the Brazilian supermodel downstairs. Now while my mind is processing this, his wife says something as well. And she says, That's such a guy thing to say. And I'm trying to process everything in my mind is crushing what I'm trying to focus on my talk and trying to say, stay serious, and stay in the zone as well. But I took this incident as a lesson for me. Number one, it crossed my mind. But

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number two, it also made me think, you know, this guy actually think that I'm going to pursue this conversation with him? Or did he just blurt something out because that was the first thing that came to his mind. And a follow up to that is the woman recognizing what the man is doing and saying that this is just such a guy thing to do, that a guy would be the one to say this, a woman would not be the one to say this. But what I actually learned from this lesson, I guess you could say the lesson I learned from this weird incident was the relationship that this husband and wife had, I could tell that just from this incident alone, that they had an open line of communication, that the guy did

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not fear what was on his mind. And he openly expressed it, because he was openly expressing what was on his mind. And that showed me something very, very important that this couple

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had some sort of mutual understanding that he would communicate and speak out all the thoughts and feelings. And as you come to see this lie to Allah, that is one of the fundamental premises for a successful marriage, that there has to be an open line of communication, and one cannot see are the thoughts on their mind. But rather, they should be willing to share them with their spouses at all times within the huhtala. So that gives a brief introduction into our topic for today. And that is how to have a successful and blissful marriage, even after kids, even after kids. So the way I want to break down this talk between Allahu taala is as follows. And basically, we're going to get into

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what are some of the fundamental problems in virtual relationships? What are some of their solutions? And then how do we add kids to that equation? And what should someone expect in terms of having kids? And then lastly, I'll probably conclude with some suggested reading material, and then we can open the floor for questions and answers Bismillahi Tada. And that is the way we're gonna proceed with Elijah. Starting off with common problems that take place in marriage, common problems that take place in marriage from a man's point.

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perspective, one of the number one complaints that every man has towards his wife is that she over always blows everything out of proportion. From a woman's perspective, the number one complaint she has from her husband, or about her husband is that he never pays enough attention to me. So you can see that the similarity and the difference in the complaint number one, the husband says that she blows everything out of proportion. And then number two, the woman is saying that never pays enough attention to me, then a second and third complaint. So I started company that takes place and this is something mutual, is that he'll he will complain that this is her responsibility. And she will

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complain that his This is his responsibility. Likewise, you will come to see that one of the complaints is that I feel that she is no longer attracted to me. And likewise, same thing for the woman as well. She will say that I feel that he is no longer attracted to me. Now, these are some of the things I want to address. In this webinar bs Allahu taala.

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Yes,

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sorry, I just wanted to ask you just to speak up a tad, because I know that that we had

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just just if you could speak up a little bit.

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You know, the funny thing is put so much coating on the top of my lungs.

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were cutting it, I just wanted to make sure I mean it whatever you can do, obviously, I know, because I gotten some requests just to speak up a little bit. No problems isn't nice. And I will try my best to sacrifice

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myself setting that I'm trying to increase right now. I will do that right now. And hopefully it gets better. Okay, so in terms of the different problems that a husband and wife has,

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I think a lot of it goes down to understanding where the husband and wife is coming from. As human beings, we have different ways of feeling fulfilled, and different ways of feeling content. And this goes back to our human psyche, and in terms of needs that human beings have. So it's very important to understand what are the fundamental needs, that a human being has. So this is a brief introduction that I want to give you on this topic is what are the needs that a human being has, the needs that a human being has, are fundamentally divided into six parts.

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If you for those of you who are taking notes, feminisms make this easy for you. So you can remember it and you can you can add into your notes, what I would actually like you to do is throw draw three different lines. And then this will be like three different levels. And each side will be one side of the spectrum. So the first level is what we're going to call recognition, versus love, recognition versus love. As human beings, we have this fundamental need of being recognized, and this fundamental need of being loved. Now, this is the only level where men and women drastically differ from one another. Men have this fundamental needs to be recognized. So everything that they

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do in life pretty much is about being recognized. And it is about being me made feel important. Now that is why you look at some of these, these are the lingo that men use with one another. And you'll see a lot of it is reflected around this very sentiment. So you have the sentiment that one man signifies or indicates to another and he says, You are the men, making him feel recognized, making him feel important. That's where it stems from. Now, when it comes to a woman, on this paradigm, she's on the opposite end, the exact opposite end of the spectrum, which is about love, and being fulfilled through emotions. Now when it comes to a woman, she is driven by love, she is driven by

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emotion. When she does things, fundamentally, she's trying to have her emotions, not only acknowledged for her emotion fulfilled, and the primary emotion that she is driven by is love, that you if you were to analyze a woman's growth period, from the time that she's very young, till the time she's getting older, everything will revolve around love. From a very young age. It's her mother from her mother. And then it goes on to love from her father, then it goes on to love from her friends. And then it goes on to you know, love from her husband, and then it goes on to love from her children. So in every relationship, she's seeking some sort of love. Now you see this is

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fundamentally different from a man because the man is one dimensionally seeking recognition. And that is why one of the biggest crisis's that a man will go through is when his confidence is shaken, he no longer believes in himself. And that is why one of the worst things a woman can do towards her husband is to actually shattered his confidence. But we're going to get to that the Bismillah hits Allah. So the first level of the paradigm is love versus recognition. The second level of the paradigm is that of adventure, uncertainty, adventure, and certainty. In our lives, we all need a certain form of adventure, meaning that if we were to do the exact same thing every single day, we

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would actually start breaking down, you know, relationships will break down and the insides of ourselves.

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Cells break down our soul and spirit breaks down the business the same thing over and over and over again. Now, if you want to look at to the psychological basis of the prison system, when a criminal comes in to a prison system, this is exactly what they're trying to do is break down their spirits. And the way to go about doing this is by putting him in a routine that is void of all adventure. That is why over time, when he's doing the same thing over and over and over again, he ends up losing his individual personality, which is revolving around that sense of adventure, you take it away, you've taken away an individual's personality. And then the exact opposite end of this

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spectrum, you have something called certainty. And this certainty, is basically knowing that when we go home at night, our house is going to be that when we go home at night, we're going to have a spouse and children that love us, when we go home at night, you know, hopefully, there's going to be some nice food on the table that we're going to enjoy. If we don't have any certainty in our lives, then our lives become too chaotic. And this is like what they call, the initial step towards insanity is when you take away certainty from someone's life. Now, there's no real gender differentiation. On the second level, this just very simply went to humans, some people say more on

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the side of adventure, some people side more on the side of certainty, and neither one is better than the other, you just have to figure out where you stand on this spectrum. And then we get to the third paradigm, and this is growth versus contribution, growth versus contribution. So the first side of the paradigm is growth, as human beings we have this needs to grow, if we feel that our growth is being influenced or been being stagnant, or that we are not growing, this becomes a problem for us, we will feel that we're not developing and this is one of the fundamental premises of depression. And when you look at people who get into depression, they genuinely feel that they

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are no longer going. And a second that a person feels this, this is like a warning sign that you need to, you know, pick up the bar, challenge yourself a bit more. And then hopefully, you will continue to grow, hopefully, you will continue to grow.

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I was looking at like the top famous TV shows, I can't remember which one for which year it was, it was either 2007 or 2008. And one of the,

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like, the top TV shows of 2007 2008 was this TV show called the office. Now it's reading like a bleep about what the office is all about. And it's all about a corporate life, that, you know, they've made this TV show about what corporate life is like, and how these weird characters that are supposed to reflect what reality is actually like. And you see how dumb actually some of these characters are, that you actually wonder, you know, how do these guys live with themselves. And individually, especially if one individual who is placed in such an environment, he is forced to dumb himself down. And he's, you know, around people who are always late wasting their time, no

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wonder people are getting depressed behind their jobs, because not only are they doing the same things over and over and over again. But they're around people who are just constantly wasting their time. And I'm sure anyone who's watched the show, the office can definitely testify to that. And that's why I see people who actually live corporate lives, they relate to this TV show more than other people do. So we have, this needs to grow. And then the last need we have as human beings is the need for contribution, the need for contribution. Now this becomes very interesting as human beings, almost I know what Allah created us with this system, that we will constantly be giving in

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every relationship, it's always about giving and taking. And if we ever feel that we are not giving, this becomes a challenge for the human spirit. Now, from an Islamic perspective, this is all about the system. This is all about the fifth law, the fifth law, or this natural disposition that Allah subhanaw taala created in us, in our directions towards goodness, and one of the greatest acts of goodness that we can do is to give and you'll see that this giving is not just about things which are tangible, but can also be things which are intangible, just being there for our friends, spending time with your wife, giving time to your wife and your children. This can be considered

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from the acts which are considered contribution. So these are the six fundamental needs that every human being has and is looking to have fulfilled. Now we mentioned that at the first level, men and women will differ. So this you will see that at that personal recognition versus emotional and love fulfillment. This is the only one where men and women actually differ. And you will see that this becomes a fundamental challenge in terms of communicating with one another. When a man communicates with someone, he's always looking to be recognized. He wants to be heard. And when a woman speaks out, she's looking to be loved. She's looking to have her emotional

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sight fulfilled, and to be recognized. Now this becomes even more important, when they are discussing a problem when they are discussing a problem, this becomes even more important. And you'll see that the way a man tackles a problem is totally different from a way that a woman tackles a problem. And let's start off with the man or first over here, when a man tackles a problem, he is focused primarily on the solution itself. So he'll sit down, and then work by himself, he always wants to be left by himself, and the initial onslaught of your problem. He doesn't like to groupthink, he doesn't like to go and reach out to other people and start working on this problem.

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But rather, the first step in every time faced with the problem of you let me withdraw from society that we withdraw from my friends and family. And let me see what are some of the solutions that I can come up with by myself. So number one, he will always withdraw at times of problems. Number two, is that when he starts to work out his problem, he becomes very goal oriented. He's always focused on fixing the problem, and just doing it in the most efficient manner. These are the two most distinguishing characteristics of the man when he is faced with a problem number one, that he will withdraw himself. And number two, he is very goal oriented, does not wants to do anything to get

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into the way of him fulfilling his goal. Now, you'll see this actually come becomes very interesting that a fundamental mistake that a woman does, is that every time the husband is about to leave the house, she'll give him like a chore. She'll be like, you know, Honey, can you drop off the kids? Honey, can you throw out the garbage? Honey, can you grab this from the store as you're leaving the house? Now, to a woman, this seems like a very, very small thing. But the guy being so goal oriented, anything that will get in his way of fulfilling his goal actually becomes an annoyance to him and actually becomes a fundamental annoyance. And that is why you will see guys get so flustered

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and upset, even over the last minute things that you know, taking out the garbage or you know, dropping something off or picking something up. They'll say, No, rather than Tell me when I'm leaving the door, tell me what you know, the time before that when I'm free. And then women take this quite lightheartedly. But if you're to realize this is just the way that the mind is programmed, that he's goal oriented, anything that gets in the way of his goal being fulfilled, is going to become a hindrance, a hindrance, and an annoyance to him. Now, from a woman's perspective, when she has a problem to deal with, her initial reaction is not to withdraw, but is it is actually

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to reach out, her initial reaction is to reach out. And that is why she'll reach out to her sisters, she'll reach out to her friends, she'll reach out to pretty much anyone at that time that is willing to listen. And number two, she's not goal oriented. She's not primarily focused on getting it fixed, but rather, she wants her emotions acknowledged, and she wants to work together as a group to come towards a solution. So she will reach out to other people. Number two, she wants to group work together and have her emotions acknowledged and work, work that out. And you'll see this becomes problematic for the guy. Because every time a woman when she expresses, you know that something is

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wrong, his primary reaction is okay, let me think of the possible and the quickest possible way I can solve her problem, because in his mind, that's how he solves problems, but he does not realize that is not what his wife wants. That is not what the woman in his life wants, but rather, all she wants is to be acknowledged our emotions, empathized with, and then work together towards a common solution. And that is why for the brothers that are online right now, this is a very important point to fix on that when your wife is speaking to you, she's communicating with you, she's telling you a problem that she's having, do not jump the gun and offer a solution. But rather hear her out, nod

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your head politely pay attention. And this is another problem that you know, as guys will often tell our wives Okay, you know what's on your mind and will continue typing on the computer, or will be texting on our phone and trying to do as many of the same things.

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But whereas in reality, all the wife wants is your sole undivided attention. And that's like one of the best things you can do for giving your

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for your sole undivided attention and show her that she is the most important thing in your life right now. And then just empathize with her emotions. And that will be like the first step towards solving real problems. And I think you know, just on this topic of communication, if we can just solve these problems, meaning on how we handle the other person's problems in our lives. This is like the biggest achievement that we could have. The greatest first step that we could have with our spouses is learning how to solve their problems and learning how to communicate with them. Another problem that arises is that a responsibility

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Between the husband and the wife, the husband would say that this is your responsibility. The wife will say that this is your responsibility. Now this comes more into play when the couple actually starts to have children. But I'm wondering shortly alluded to this factor right now. So for example, you know, the cleaning of the bathroom, guys tend to make a mess of the bathroom. This is understood that no matter where you go, guys will make a mess of the bathroom. Even though the women will probably spend more time in there, guys, men tend to make more of a mess in the bathroom than the women do. Now, I remember how much of a nightmare it was actually at the University of Medina. Now

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for those women who are married, you know, this is going to be like your ultimate nightmare. You can imagine how much of a nightmare it was for a guy who's not used to doing any cleaning. And that was living in the guy's dormitory. I remember when I lived at the end the dormitory at the slums University of Medina, you had

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about 19 or 20 different rooms. on one floor. Actually, let's just say 20 rooms per floor. Each room has three men in it. So that's 60 people, okay, you have 60 men on one floor, now divided those 60 men, by five bathrooms, and by five showers. By bathrooms and five showers. You can imagine what a mess is going to be like at the end of the week. Now no one had the responsibility of cleaning those bathrooms, because they actually hired like cleaners to come and clean the bathrooms. So like once a week, you know, on like Saturday morning, which is like the equivalent of a Monday morning in the West, the cleaner would come and clean up the bathroom while we're at school. But you should see the

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bathrooms on Friday night, absolutely filthy and disgusting. Literally, you would think that like animals lived in that place. That's how bad it was. So now a guy gets married, you know, with his mom, his mom's to clean the bathroom, he gets married. Now he's thinking that his wife is going to do the exact same thing. A week goes by the bathroom is an absolute mess. The guy saying okay, the wife saw the clip. And the wife thinks, you know, my husband's a good guy, I'm sure he knows how to take care of himself do probably take care of the bathroom. So things like this, they need to be communicated. And the blaming game actually begins the bathroom is just something small, eventually

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moved on to bigger and bigger things. So the way to resolve this issue, in terms of the blame game, it's very simple. That's the beginning of one's marriage. For brothers and sisters who are freshly married, please take note of this. Brothers and sisters who are about to get married. Please take note of this as well. And that is just that out a simple list of the chores that are going to be performed. Just saying that one spouse is going to take care of all the chores. Most of the times, you know, unfortunately, we put this on our wives in our ends as the female representative of our family, we put this on their shoulders islamically This is not fair. But rather the chores should be

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shared one way or another. Likewise, financially, it should be understood who is who is going to be doing what islamically speaking, any money that the woman earns, the man has no rights to it whatsoever. It is our fundamental rights to work, it is our fundamental right to earn the money. But it is not her fundamental obligation to pay the bills. If you choose to pay the bills out of her own accord, then that's out of her own generosity be the light Satoshi will be rewarded for that. It is the man's responsibility to pay for those bills, and to take care of the household expenses. So when it comes for the chores of the house, this is something that needs to be shared islamically this

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should be split up so that both parties you know are happy and content with the amount of they have to do now generally speaking, the way it ends up breaking out is that when it comes to like drop offs and pickups, it's usually the guys that will do that. This includes you know, throwing out the trash. This includes picking up the mail, this includes you know, dropping off and picking up kids, this includes dropping off laundry, and whatever else it may be. And generally speaking, whatever needs to be done inside of the house is generally left up to the woman. But this will change from time to time place to place. The more Eastern the marriage is, the more the woman will do inside the

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house. The more Western the marriage is, the more the tasks inside the house will be split between the husband and the wife. And this is something that obviously needs to be communicated between the husband and the wife, and they can decide who will be doing what the lights on. And the last point I want to address in terms of problems between husbands and wife. And basically the fundamental problems that they have before we want to the issue of having kids is this concept of having unrealistic expectations. Now you'll see that

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Before marriage, the man and the woman, they strive very, very hard to please one another. A man is very, very romantic. The words that he uses are very eloquent, they're filled with passion, they're filled with emotion, he goes out of his way to get to get gifts for his wife, he goes out of his way to accommodate for her to the best of her ability. Likewise, from the woman's perspective, she is always looking top notch, she always dresses her best before the marriage, and she's taking care of herself, physically, every time he comes over with his family or to her house, you know, the house is nice and clean. And now with all of this happening, add into the mix, you know, Western culture

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mixed to an Indian culture, you know, every time something we have these expectations that we're going to live like these was a movie called

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I have a funny story about this movie. It was in the 2000s. I tend to Yes.

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Okay, you guys give us the movie was called gives us now I don't know, maybe this is like pasture generation or whatever. Remember, when I first went to this time University of Medina, I was actually on a plane from New York to Jeddah. And, you know, for like, 14 hours is like only so much you can read and so as you so you can do some like flicking through like the channels on the flight. And I was shocked and surprised to see that they actually, you know, translated this indie movie known as saved us into the English line as our into Arabic. So you like watching this indie movie and like Arabic subtitles, and it just really blew my mind. And I remember I was even reading the

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description in the movie. And it's basically about this guy who has fallen in love. And you know, something happened to his life, and, you know, just went down the drain. But regardless, people have this concept of No, at the end of every movie, the guy always gets the girl and he lives heavily, happily ever after. But not every merge is like this. And this is the first thing that you have to come to understand is that every marriage, it has its honeymoon period, it has its honeymoon phase. But marriage window itself is not going to continuously be like that. Rather, you're going to face challenges, and you're going to face problems. The ideal marriage, the perfect marriage is not the

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marriage that is void with problems. But rather, it is the marriage, where the husband and wife are faced with problems. And together, they're able to solve them. That is the ideal in perfect marriage, not the marriage that has no problems whatsoever. So when it comes to this honeymoon phase, you know, we're always expecting that the mind is going to stay the same, and the woman is going to stay the same. They're both going to try as hard. They're both going to be you know, passionate towards one another. And they think that, you know, this is how it's going to continue. When you think about the honeymoon phase, I want you to take that into consideration. What do you

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actually think about, you think about people spending quality time with one another. They're freshly in love? No, they look at each other with these passionate, you know, googly eyes, there's love in the air, everything is just about love. And then eventually, some couple of six months down the line that dies down and they move into reality for other couples, it will be a year that will go by, and that honeymoon moon phase comes to an end. And all of a sudden, they've come to this realization, hey, you know, I actually have the burden or responsibility upon me, I actually have to take care of this other individual. Okay, they're not as nice to me as they were before. They're not buying me as

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many gifts. So how does one go about solving this emotional crash that every couple goes through when the honeymoon phase comes to an end? Now when it comes to the honeymoon phase, this is something that I like to address, you know, on several levels. So basically, today we're going to take several steps on how to bring about and rekindle that honeymoon phase, and become more pragmatic and more realistic in our expectations of our spouse, and in terms of our relationship with our spouse, Bismillah E to Allah. So starting off, from a man's perspective, starting off from a man's perspective, one of the most important things that you can do towards your wife is pay

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attention to her. One of the most important things that you can do towards your wife. It's the attention to her, and it's actually a beautiful story. In in the center. I guess we're in the state of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And you know a mama Bukhari Rahim Allah. He puts this in for Al Bukhari, and he gives a chapter heading, the anger of women, the anger of woman. So I remember, you know, as I was preparing my sahale body class, they come across this chapter, and I'm like, Okay, let's see what he has to say. And he brings about this beautiful story of a conversation that took place between the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam, and he

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rajamma hussin Anna, and the conversation goes as follows. That one day before we sell a la Hollywood cinema sitting, and you summons Isaiah, he summons Ayesha, he says, Oh, I come over here. It was like a nickname the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam hides for I shall have you alongside. And this is the first lesson that we derived from this Heidi's is that we should summon our spouses, by names that they love, and names that are endearing and caring. You know, a lot of the times you get into the habit that we'll call our spouses might have first names. And we tend to forget that even using Terms of Endearment have a great psychological effect, to calling them honey calling them

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Do you know if they have a nickname for each other, use those nicknames to summon each other, rather than just using your first name because it will create a sense of love between the two and a sense of enjoyment. So he says, Oh, I come over here. So I shot a de la husana. She's been summoned by the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and she's thinking, why would the Messenger of Allah be summoning me? What could he wants from me? Like, usually, if I have a de la harmonizing summon, it means like, okay, something serious is up. You don't summon someone, unless something is serious. So she is panicking. She's coming to the Messenger of Allah, not knowing what he's going to say. And

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she's a bit afraid. And the promise of a la jolla Salaam this whole time is keeping like a straight and stern face. As she's walking, she's walking with her heads down, and she'll raised it from time to time, just to see as a facial expression is changing on the face of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And it isn't changing whatsoever. So you can imagine as she's getting closer and closer, her heart is beating faster, her breathing is getting heavier. And she's wondering, you know what is going to happen? Finally, she gets to the Messenger of Allah, she says yada so Lola, here I am at your service. And this shows us point number two is that when you are

00:32:03--> 00:32:42

summoned, always reply in a beautiful kind and polite demanded. You know, a lot of the times when a husband summons his wife or wife summons her husband, the initial response is, you know, leave me alone. I'll be there in like five minutes. You do not answer like that. But rather just as you were approached, Julie, you are called in a state of endearment respond in a state of endearment as well. You know, if you're not doing an important task, give up what you're doing, and go and respond to the call of your husband go and respond to the call of your wife. And say something dear, like that. You're here I'm, here I am at your service. And here I am at your service, or you know, whatever,

00:32:42--> 00:32:48

like the modern day COVID of that maybe or whatever you feel comfortable using with your husband or wife.

00:32:49--> 00:33:28

So then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he goes on to tell us about the Allahu taala by saying, I know when you're angry with me, and I know when you are happy with me, I know when you're contented with me. And I know when you're angry with me. Now this baffles I shall have the Allahu side I'm happy. Because the province of aloha audience is basically saying that, you know, I pay very close attention to what you say, and to what you do, for I shall have the Allahu taala and has a reason why this is so great. and such like an overwhelming experience is because the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is not like your average man, the average man he is going to be a

00:33:28--> 00:34:03

husband is going to be a father, and he's going to be a son. And maybe he'll You know, he has a job. And you play some sports. That is what like his whole world revolves around basically five or six roles that he has that he has to fulfill, and that he has to take care of. But when it comes to the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he was a father. He was a mayor. He was the General of the Army. He was the one people went to advice to, he was the one who was just always there in the title people's needs. You know, he had like, 1000 different things. So the very fact that he's paying attention to Isola the Allahu Ana,

00:34:05--> 00:34:24

excuse me. This becomes quite overwhelming to Ayesha. She's like, wow, you know, here I have this man that does all this. And he's still paying attention to me. So now it also blows I show the last one, how late because she doesn't know what to post so I sent him is going to say next, how do I act when I'm upset? And how do I act when I'm content?

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The process of a lot whining so then goes on to add to the inquiry she said yada Silla and how am I when I'm angry, and when I'm content? He goes on to say, when you're angry, you swear by the Lord of Ibrahim, you say by the Lord of Abraham, such and such will happen i by the Lord of Abraham, you will do such and such, but when you are content, and happy you say by the lodo, Muhammad, such and such will happen by the Lord of Muhammad, you are doing such and such. Now, again, I said I do love Rhonda. Jeez, that was that. Wow, you

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Not only is he paying attention to my emotions, but he's also paying attention to my words that he's paying very close attention to the words that I use. And this is what signals when I am upset and when I am happy. And for a man, it is very, very important to do so that pay attention to facial expressions, pay attention to words that are used, these will be primary indicators as to the mood of your wife. You know, a lot of the times when a woman is asked, you know what's wrong, she's going to say nothing. You know, a lot of the times when something's on her mind, she's going to use select key words prior to this date, where she is openly expressing that she's upset. So pay attention to

00:35:40--> 00:35:43

those key words, pay attention to those facial expressions,

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from a psychological point of view, this this actual concept of known as micro expressions, and that is, as human beings, we are not meant to conceal our true emotions, but rather, the concealing of emotions, actually comes after, and attempts to conceal them. So every initial reaction is to express the emotion and then we try to hide it. So whether you are upset, whether you are happy, your face will always indicate it first, before you try to conceal it. And then when you make that constant, that conscious effort to conceal it, that is when your mind will actually conceal it. So pay attention to those micro expressions as much as you can. And you'll be able to tell what your

00:36:26--> 00:36:37

spouse is feeling. Now in terms of the words likewise very important to pay attention to word usage as well. Now to conclude the story between the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and I showed her the Allahu taala

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at endof very beautiful. And for me, this is like Subhan Allah, you do not need Shakespeare. You don't need you know, your Elizabeth Barrett Browning. You don't need any other Romantic poets. But you just had to pay attention to the story between the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and I shout out the Allahu Tanana. Now the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he just expressed to her, literally how much he loves her without actually using the words I love you, which is also very significant, as well, that you need to be able to express your love without actually using those terms. Now, a lot of the times we'll use those terms and tell each other how much we actually love

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each other. Much, you will see that over time it will become a bit redundant, it will be void of passion or devoid of emotion. So the best way to show your spouse that you actually love them is to do acts of endearment to do acts of endearment Bismillah to Allah. And the story concludes that I shall have the Allahu taala now she goes on to tell the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, Yasuda Allah, even though the names may change, the love stays in the hearts forever, even though the name may change, the love stays in the hearts forever. Meaning that even though I may change the lord of Mohammed to the Lord of Ibrahim, the name may change, but my love for you, it

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stays in my heart forever. And as like Subhana Allah, do you have another glimpse of you know the width and intelligence of I set out the Allahu taala on her. She was known to be a woman that would always have the last word. And even in expressing her love for the Messenger of Allah. She had the last word in this conversation and that was like you know the concealing blow I guess if you want to call it that God probably still alive it was Selim is thinking he's done this great marvelous act. And an eyeshadow de la Juan has topped it off with something even better. Steven says, Oh messenger of Allah, even though that it is the name that changes my love for you, stays in the heart. And this

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shows that that key fundamental point that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is Becky being recognized, and he's being made feel important, but I shall a de la Juana saying, The RSO Allah My love for you, is always in my heart, it is always in my heart. So this is like a you know, a nice story that lessons can be derived from, the way I wanted to tie it in was that a man should always pay attention towards his woman, pay attention to the words that she uses, pay attention to her facial expressions, and just pay attention to her at pretty much every single time that you can. Do not try to multitask when you're speaking to her, but rather give her your sole individual intense

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attention. Point number two for the men that are online, is that as men, we tend to think that we're going to solve all of our spouse's problems by giving them gifts. So every time we do something wrong, we want to make it up to them. We're going to get them flowers, we're going to get them chocolates. Likewise, you know, we'll be getting them jewelry, getting them diamond rings, and then we pretty much do this, only when we do something wrong, or only if there's like a big occasion at hand, then we'll get them gifts. But in reality, this should not be the case. We do not need big occasions, to celebrate love and joy and mercy and compassion between spouses.

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We do not need, you know, the solving of marital problems in order to go out and celebrate. And in order for gifts to be given, but rather as Muslims as rather as spouses. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has advised us and Islam encourages us that give gifts to one another is that the love may increase with amongst you give gifts to one another, to had don't have to give gifts to one another. So that love may mutually reciprocate between the two parties. So when it comes to giving gifts, don't give it certain, special certain occasions, but rather try to make it as random as possible, and as regular as possible. And it becomes very important to understanding what the term

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gift actually means. I remember some time back, I was with a brother. And he was telling me that, you know, the Messiah for the teacher is generally mentioned that we should give regular gifts to our spouses. But what are some things that we can actually give to our spouses that are under $10. Now, it didn't bother me the fact that he wants to get something for a spouse under $10. But what rather struck me is as men, we have this understanding that the gifts that we get to our for our spouses have to be something which we spend money upon. And getting a gift does not always mean spending money. Getting a gift can vary from you know, anything to everything. Something as simple

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as always smiling in the face of your spouse, something as simple as complimenting your spouse, these are considered small gifts in Islam, these are considered small acts of charity, then you can make them even greater. You know, wives love it when their husbands cook for them. You know, me personally, I'd like to think that I'm like this great master chef, and I do everything amazingly. But the reality is, you know, I'm restricted to, you know, cooking like simple eggs and you know, cereal. And that's like, the only thing that I'm good at. But, you know, just the attempt to learn to cook something for them, they'll greatly greatly appreciate it. And you know, that's like the

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next step, then the next step is like planning a day out with your spouse, if you can actually sit and find a whole day out just with you and your spouse, visualize Allah, that's like one of the greatest gifts that you can give. Now, one last point, I want to conclude with advice to the guys before we get with advice to the girls, and then we conclude our lecture recently to Anna. One last piece of advice to the guy is that do not get over involved in work, but rather always pay attention and give notice to your family as well. A lot of the times we get so enveloped in our work, we get so wrapped up in our sports that we forget about our responsibility to our wives into our family,

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and just you know, to other people around us, that are very, very important. It is very important that you take you know some time out during the week, and maybe a specific day out of the month, where you will just spend exclusive time with them. Now suppose if time does not necessarily mean that you take them out to dinner, they A lot of people have this conception that you you take your time or your spouse out to dinner, this is considered quality time. Realistically speaking, this is not quality time, this just shows that you're willing to spend some time with them, and spend some money with them. But this won't have a full fledged effect. What we'll have a full fledged effect is

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if you can reach a threshold of emotion and shares together. So sometimes just taking a walk, and having like a whole hearted conversation with them, we're both minds are engaged, both parts are engaged, will have a better effect than you know, a four or five hour night that is planned out where you guys go out into town, and you know, painted red, but there's no real deep conversation. And there's no real emotional attachment. Sometimes, just that one hour, you know of a walk or spending time together will be a lot more effective with Allahu taala. So focus on spending, quality time rather than quantity of time. So always take time out for them, make sure you're doing that.

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But Likewise, when you're taking that time out, make sure it is quality time that both parties are fully engaged in the activity. And both parties are taken to a threshold that they continue to go because that is what you want to see. Because either the relationship will grow or either it will start to deteriorate. relationships do not stay stagnant. They're either growing or they're deteriorating. And that is something that is very important for the guy to focus. Now in terms of advice to our sisters, and to the wives visualize Allah. You see that Islamic gives very beautiful advice in terms of dealing with spirituality. And you know, this hit me quite recently. That in key

00:44:48--> 00:44:52

in terms of dealing with spirituality, Islam tells us not to over

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engage or over devour our appetites, the main appetites being you know, sleep

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Eating and sexual desire that these three appetites if they're all over engaged in, they will kill the spirituality of an individual. Now this knowledge actually comes in very handy for a woman as naturally comes in very, very handy for a woman. And I will tell you why, that depending on those appetites, a woman will be able to manipulate her husband in any way that she wishes and pleases. So for example, when men are sleepy, they're very tired. They're very, very grouchy. And you do not want to, like engage with them at that time. And the sleepiness pretty much represents all problems in their in their life, every time they have a problem, give them space, let them go take a nap, let

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them go sleep. And then you know, try to approach them, and speak to them, and talk to them and do what you have to do. Likewise, in terms of their appetites, in terms of their food, this is something very, very important. And I'll explain why. A lot of the times, you know, our sisters and our wives, they have this

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understanding that every time something has gone wrong, or they've done something wrong, the initial reaction is, as soon as I see him, let me tell him, as soon as he walks into the door, I'm going to throw the problem at him. And that becomes a really big mistake. And I'll tell you why. Because a lot of the times, you know, manage second traffic, he's had a long day at work, he's already upset when he comes home, he doesn't want to hear a problem. If he hears another problem, that's actually going to make him more upset than he already is. So here's like a small technique. Anytime you do something wrong. Anytime, you know, you made a mistake that you know, your husband's want to get

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angry about. The best way to handle it is to make him something that he absolutely loves. Every man has a favorite dish, find out what his favorite dish is. And every time you do something wrong, make him that favorite dish. And then give him the bad news. And I'll tell you how this works. That I want you to think about all the times where you've already stuffed yourself in the Ramadan. And when it comes time for telawi. You overstepped yourself, it comes time for self belief. Your Salah is actually void of all emotion whatsoever, you can have no concentration and Salah, the only thing you're focusing on is like yeah, Allah, what are we going to get into such that I can actually relax

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in my head. So that is how bad it actually gets. But the lesson we derive from this is that when you fall, when you fulfill your appetite for food, the mind empties out all of its blood into the stomach. And once it's emptied out into the stomach, the mind doesn't function as sharp as it should. The when you do something wrong, you tell your husband, you know, I banged the car, or, you know, I scratched the car, or, you know, I forgot to pick up your dry cleaning or something of that nature. You tell him that he's so forth, he doesn't have the ability to express any emotions, he doesn't have the ability to express any emotion. And thus you'll be like, okay, no worries, you

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know, forget about it. I just had a good meal zacky level. And, you know, I really enjoyed that. That's like point number two, in terms of you know how to, quote unquote, manipulate your husband. And point number three, when it comes to the husband is that women should always be ready to spend time apart from their husbands has to be able to spend time apart from their husbands. Now, this sounds a bit awkward, but let me explain this. Let me explain why. Naturally Speaking, absence makes the heart grow fonder. absence makes the heart grow fonder. So on the weekends, when both of you are, are together, you know, the woman has this natural thing, you know, he's been at work the whole

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week, let me try to spend as much time with him as possible. You don't want to spend both days like 14 hours straight together, but rather spend batches of time together, and then some time apart. And this will actually strengthen the relationship. And now when you actually look at the wisdom in Islam, behind, you know, going out for the men, you'll see that this is one of the wisdom sports. So for example, a man is encouraged to go out during the day and to seek risk and to work. So we spend the time away from the house. Likewise, he's encouraged to go out and play in the masjid, so that he spends time with the guys so that when he comes home, he's more appreciative of the time that he

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spent with his wife is more appreciative of the time that he spends with his wife. So from a war for a woman, what she wants to do is encourage the man to spend some time apart, go spend time with the guys, you have an issue. go spend time by yourself. You want to you know, go play sports, go to that with the guys do go spend time in the muscle go prayer survives in the method, encourage the man to go out and deal with guys and deal with himself. And then you'll be more appreciative of the time that he spent at home. Whereas if he was always constantly at home, he doesn't leave the house. He's going to turn the price is going to be a burden

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upon you, and you are going to feel like a burden upon him, the woman has encouraged the man to spend some time away, so that the time together becomes a lot more quality filled. Now, this is just some general advice, in terms of how a husband and wife can improve their relationship. What I want to conclude on the the lightoller are two points, and I will we will do in the next five minutes basalite Allah, what to expect, when you have children, what to expect, when you have children. having children is a brand new world, you know, the very fact that a woman becomes pregnant starts to feel those changes, and her hormone starts to change, her physical body starts to change, her

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relationship with her husband will genuinely start to change.

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You know, it's an indication it's an unless I know what that is alluding of something greater to come. And that is how life will change after the child is born. And this is something that has to be prepared for that, you know, just like now a lot of awareness is being created in terms of how people need to prepare themselves before they get married. They also need to prepare themselves for when they have kids, that you have to know islamically speaking, what are your rights and obligations towards your kids? What are good methods to raise your kids? What are concerns that peer parents have that they need to start thinking about from now, before the child turns maybe two or

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three or five, or whatever age, you know, is a concerning age. So what I would suggest is recognize the fact that life just changed drastically. But it is a process of life. Allah subhanho wa Taala does not burden the soul more than it can bear. If you can keep the ties of communication open, be able to express your problems openly. Do not fear the judgment of your spouse, then visualize Allah, you will be able to have kids in a normal way. And they actually bring a lot more joy to your life, then, you know, problems as people tend to focus on, a lot of the times you know, you see kids, they're these lovey dovey creations of Allah subhanho wa Taala. You know, this creation has lights

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up the whole room, even if it's filled with misery and filled with darkness. Children light up the room. But then when you ask the parents, you know, what's it like to be a parent, the only thing that they mentioned is, you know, the baby cried all night, or the baby's teething right now it's very difficult to deal with it. Or you know, she made a mess of the house. You know, this is what parents will generally tend to focus on. This is not the reality of children. The reality of children is that they are a gift from Allah subhana wa tada that lightened up the houses and their gift from Allah subhana wa sallam at once they are given to you, you know, you can't imagine your

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life without that. dormice mind, oh, Tada. He created us to have children. And while it seemed a while, it may seem difficult to visualize Allah with the help of Allah subhanho, wa Taala, everything will become easy, you just have to prepare for it. Now, if you remember earlier on in the lecture, I was talking about responsibility between spouses. This is where it really kicks in between the husband and the wife. Once you start having more children, more diapers need to be changed, more babies will be crying. whose responsibility? Is it at that time? Is it purely the mother's responsibility? Or does the father have a share as well. And this is something that needs

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to be discussed, from the very getgo that you know, something like, okay, every second diaper idea might be a bit much for the guy has mercy on him, maybe something like every third diaper every fourth diaper, the husband can change. Likewise, when the baby gets an age of being bottle fed, maybe every second bottle or so the husband can do the feeding. Likewise, in terms of the husband, you know, he should understand that once you guys have kids, you should be able to give your wife some time alone to herself, that when you have one child, it's very easy. Go out, do the grocery shopping, take the child with you give the wife some time alone. And this will be like her time to

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recuperate her time to relax. The wife needs this if you do not give this to her, she will eventually break down. So you have to keep that in mind within the HIPAA as well. So do not be scared to have kids do not feel overburdened or overwhelmed. It is a natural process of life. The only thing is start preparing for it. Because sometimes it happens all of a sudden, you know, one day the wife's pregnant, and literally the next day she is and all of a sudden you must pay attention starts. So you want to prepare for it along with your marriage as well. realizada discuss this before marriage discuss this when you get married and busy lifestyle. If you prepare for having

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kids mentally, emotionally and physically delights Allah it will be a lot more pleasant of an experience than it already is with the light Allah. One last point I would mention is in terms of reading material, in terms of reading materials. There's a wonderful book called men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. A lot of people have heard of this and I think this is

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is a wonderful activity for a husband and a wife to do that they both get a copy of this book, they both read it together. And after each chapter, you share your thoughts, I found that from the couples that I've assigned this to, they've really benefited from it. And they've actually bought them together. And they've learned to resolve their issues. So from from a husband and wife perspective, this is a great book to read before you get married. And even once you do get married, read this book together, chapter after chapter, share your thoughts, share your concerns, think about how you can practically apply this to your marriage and pay the light Allah, it will

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definitely improve your marriage. For those people who would like to work on future projects, I think it would be a great project and a great initiative, every Muslim can take this book, take some of the core material in it, and replace some of the stories with examples from the from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And with some examples from the companions, I think that would become like a top selling book for all Muslims. Number two, a second book I would recommend for people who are both to have children, I think the word normally gets around about this book. But in case you didn't know, if you just freshly gotten married, you have thought about having kids start thinking

00:56:11--> 00:56:50

about it from now, get this book called what to expect when you are expecting it breaks down what it means to have to have a child And likewise, how to prepare for it. And also deals with how the relationship between a husband and a wife is affected. It deals with that as well. So that's a great book to read as well. And with the lights on as you guys, you know, ever need any advice, or if there's any, anything that I can be of service, please feel free to contact me on my fanpage on Facebook within the HIPAA law. And with that, I guess we can open up the floor for questions and answers for about 10 minutes in Sharla disaster Mullah who played on for your attention. I really

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appreciate the time that you were sacrificed. I hope I didn't bore you guys too much. And we conclude with that political Bumblebee ham Nick, I said Lance soroka was

00:57:03--> 00:57:24

jumping right into the question a lot. And there's been a lot of comments, people were enjoying themselves just saying that your anecdotes were right on point. So the first question I have here is from a sister in Orlando. And she was talking about like you mentioned it briefly talking about division of labor. And she was she wanted to know if there was any economic value in what goes away.

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has been family should be given more important than the white family. I know this, because you've been having some discussions with her husband and and you don't slow down a visit. Because you're very likely to fester.

00:57:39--> 00:58:09

Not a problem, I have a tendency to do messages that go for letting me know that I can get really excited. So I will slow down a little bit. And it just comes true from Orlando, she was just saying she was commenting and was curious about whether there was any Sonic value in Muslims believing that has been family should be given more important than a woman with a white family. And I guess was discussing and splitting her time to do with taking care of her parents and when they needed help and when they get old. And it seems as if

00:58:10--> 00:58:18

the family's discussing the importance of the Son and the son of the planet. So if you can just kind of elaborate on this point or just shed some light on

00:58:19--> 00:58:25

Okay, benign Santa Ana de la salatu salam ala rasulillah. While early he was a happy woman, Wanda, my bad.

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I mean, this fast or this point is directly related to culture values. And you'll see that a lot of the times we tend to bring our culture into our religion. Now just to break down this whole scenario. Islam plays a very great importance on parents, it places a lot of importance on parents. So a girl has rights and responsibilities towards her parents, the husband has rights and responsibility towards his parents, no one group of parents is more important than the others. Now, this becomes like a dichotomy. When you have Eastern values, I guess, to a certain degree, that are brought in and placed in with Islam, in terms of Eastern values, my wife genuinely ends up leaving

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her house, she moves to the house of her husband. And since it's their husband's house, the parents of the husband will come and go more freely, whereas the parents of the woman will not come and go as freely. So therefore a lot more importance is given to the parents of the husband, which are her in laws, or outlaws, depending on how you look at it. Stick with the SUNY has a wonderful lecture on the topic of in laws and outlaws that you guys can check out that's where I actually stole the punch line from. But that having been said, you know, it's a lot of it has to play with culture, a lot of it has to play with culture, and it's guised in the name of Islam. So now when it comes to dealing

00:59:53--> 00:59:59

with one's in laws when it comes to dealing with the parents of your spouse, I think this is something very important to take into

01:00:00--> 01:00:32

consideration, that we need to understand that we are the children of our parents. And therefore, we will automatically feel more attached to our own parents than we will to the parents of someone else, even if they be our spouse, even if they be our spouse. Now, the problem arises over here is on two levels, it is on two levels. Problem number one is when the girl's parents wants something, and the husband wants something else. In such a situation,

01:00:33--> 01:01:10

I would say that the husband should try to be as understanding as possible towards the girl and the request of her parents. And likewise, the girl should understand that she has an obligation towards her husband, and her parents. And if it was like a black and white scenario, then the husband in this situation has greater authority and has the final say, as opposed to the parents. When working out of this house together, the guy has to be more considerate. And likewise, the woman has to understand that the final say, in this relationship, or in this problem goes towards the husband, because he has a higher authority in this relationship than even the parents do. And this is

01:01:10--> 01:01:49

something that's in Allah subhanho wa Taala, and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam have given the man in terms of responsibility, while they are given this privilege of having authority, it also becomes responsibility, because if they abuse it, they will be questioned about it on the day of judgment as well. Now I second scenario to this is, how far does a woman have to go in pleasing her in laws? How far does a woman have to go in pleasing her image, there's no dichotomy there's no like conflict or anything, that she naturally has to please her in laws. And the simple term to this islamically is that your in laws are

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and like any other relationship, that any other relationship islamically, you know, your friends, your neighbors, you treat each other with kindness, you treat each other with compassion, and mercy. This is the general case scenario, but you do not have to treat them, like your own parents. So the way that you will go out of your way to please them, or the way that you would obey every single command of them. This is not the case, the woman does not have to do this, for the in laws, for her in laws for the parents, of our husbands. However, however, something that she will want to keep in mind, is the pleasure and respect of her husband, that if she knows that, you know, doing some

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things for his parents is going to please him, then he should try that. And she should try to accommodate to that, that she should try to do things that will please him towards his parents. So, you know, let's just say, taking the mother in law out for shopping once a week or once a month, or whatever the case may be. Sometimes it is going to be burdensome, but we bear those burdens, to make our loved ones happy that you know, if it's going to make your husband happy, as opposed to make us kind of sad or happy. Sometimes you just live with that burden. In order to make those people that you love happy and busy life allied also pays off. Now the relationship with in laws, it doesn't end

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there. Likewise, just like the husband wants his parents to be pleased and to be happy, the husband has to make sure that he's pleasing the parents of the girl as well. The girl has left her house, you know, she's left her family behind. And a lot of the times, parents, you know, they're losing this, their Princess, and they need to make me be solid and solicited in the fact that, you know, you're going to take good care of their daughter and take care of their princess. But likewise, they want to develop that relationship with you as well, that you are turning into their Prince as well. So you need to honor and respect to them, just like your wife would go out of her way to deal with

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kindness and mercy and compassion with your parents. The husband should try to do the same towards her parents as well. And this is like an open playing field for awards that you know, pleasing your spouse, pleasing Allah subhanho wa Taala creating bonds of a relationship that pleases Allah subhana wa Tada. I think a lot of the times, you know, since we don't know how to deal with this relationship, or this relationship naturally has a negative stigma. This is a relationship that we tend to free from tend to run away from. But if you give this relationship time to prosper, you give this relationship and ability to communicate with one another openly, there's a nice side of this

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can become a very prosperous relationship. So that is like the Spanish standpoint on it, that not one set of parents is preferred over the other, but rather we should strive to please and to be kind and merciful towards both of the parents does is it to Allah and Allah Subhana Allah knows best.

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And share with a few questions here and with some sisters from all over, just inquiring about how to get my show like as we've been discussing over

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And you have a lot of knowledge on the topic when it comes to relationships, how do you get your husband to engage in this kind of conversation? Because I guess some brothers just don't see it as something that's not necessarily fit to talk about. They think that they're either above it, or they're just not interested in this kind of topic. How do you get your husband to get engaged in this kind of conversation about developing the relationship? And I know one sister in particular is discussing how to get them engaged in more Slavic events and whatnot, how would you suggest getting the men involved? Okay, and how did that was selected for them, and also the law, he was asked the

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woman who Allah God,

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in terms of conversation, you will see guys naturally, very easily converse with their friends, they can talk about the most stupidest of things, as to you know, why one video game is more exciting than the other. And they can move it on to something even more complicated, like education, and science and math. And they have the ability to do this. And they'll do this very easily with guys. But when it comes to speaking to their spouse, you'll see that everything is very short answered, and everything is like void of an attempt to have a conversation, it's like, let me just say a couple of words, and hope that she'll leave me alone. Now, a lot of the times, this has to do with

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timing, a lot of the times, it has to do with timing. So to have a fully engaged conversation, you have to do it at the right time. So for example, when a husband comes home from work, that's not necessarily the best time to have a conversation. A good time to have a conversation, though, is, after you had a meal, you know, after you've had a meal, maybe before you have dessert, that's a good time to have a conversation, especially if you post something good is

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is sensors are engaged, you know, his stomach is full, his mind is somewhat functioning, that's a good time to have a conversation. So number one, it's about timing. Number two, is that most of the times, you have to catch men off guard and the conversation.

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Excuse me. So if you want to have a conversation about, you know, getting the bathroom fixed, or something like that, rather than just jumping into, like, you know, we need to get the basketball fixed. Building a sense of rapport with your husband prior to the conversation is actually going to help you. So for example, if you know, your husband's really into basketball, check out the basketball score, and say, you know, Hey, did you watch the Lakers lose? You know, as the game that's going on tonight? I'm personally not a Lakers fan. So did you watch the Lakers lose? And then you know, it goes like, wow, I was paying attention to this. And you know, discussion starts about

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that. And then you slowly bring that into a, you know, by the way I was in the bathroom the other day, and you know, the shower tap isn't working properly, I think we need to get it fixed. So here, you go into the conversation, and it comes out perfectly fine, because you didn't start off with it directly.

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Point number three, in terms of engaging conversation, is that you have to give and take in a conversation, you have to give and take in a conversation. So this basically means is that you let the husband know that, you know, just like you have conversations with your friends, your guy friends, please, you know, converse with me as well, obviously not in those terms, that seems very desperate, but you tell them look, you know, look at how departments have a long line incident was when I should look at the conversations they had. And you know, tells him that this is a sign of responsibility that as a couple were meant to discuss our ideas and share our thoughts. And this is

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the only way our marriage is going to grow. So share that thought with him. And then you know, give and take into conversation. Sometimes Let it be about things that are in his mind. Sometimes it has be about things that are on your mind. A lot of the times we only want to have the conversations that are on our minds. And that has to change in order for a couple of to prosper in terms of the conversation. Sometimes it has to be about what's on the girl's mind, sometimes it has to be about what is on the guy's mind. And if you can also make that bid an icon I believe you can develop a healthy relationship. Now there was a small tangent, I guess that was thrown in at the end of the

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question is that how to get a husband more islamically engaged in activities and events. Now this is just generally speaking,

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for everyone that when you're giving power to people, you want to focus on something very key in particular, and that is this concept that the prophet SAW. I said, I'm sure that time and time again. That's when the hearts of the people and you will win their minds, win the hearts of the people, and you will win their minds. Basically what this means is, is I get your husband to love you get your husband to value and respect you. Then visualize data you can track him towards wherever you want to go. You can get him to go wherever you would like to win the hearts of the people first and you can win their minds. You look at one

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clear example of deposit, send them that was with the one then oh my Yes. The point being omiya was one of the greatest enemies of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And he says that when deposits are entered Messiah, he was the most hated individual to me. But he continued to give me continue to give me continue to give me up and until he became the most beloved person to me. And that is when I accepted Islam, to win the hearts of the people. Sometimes that's done by giving gifts. Sometimes that's done by making them happy, whatever the case may be, when the hearts of the people and you will win their minds. One last point on this issue that I want to mention is that you

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have to be very careful in terms of the type of Islamic activity that you are that you take someone new to, you know, a lot of the times we may find something beneficial. But that's because we've been going through some activities for quite some time. So you take an individual who's not into Islamic activity, thank him for something that's advanced, taking something that's not exciting, and you're actually pushing them away to the first set of Sonic activities that you take them to, you want to be very careful that there's something that's a lot of hype around it, something that people are excited for something that you know they're going to enjoy themselves with. And that is going to

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leave a good first impression on them. So that they'll want to come back, rather than taking them to just like your local mustard, Hanukkah, which is like, very boring. It's filled with like your old age uncles. And you know, the stats, there are terrible, that's actually going to drive an individual away from Islamic activity. When you're trying to get someone engaged in Islamic activity, try to take them to something fun, something that they'll benefit as something that will enjoy and hopefully build menials and forge relationships while they're there. visualize data that can be beneficial as well. And with a lifestyle. I think we have time for one last question. And

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then we can conclude with that in Selma.

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I currently, I'm used to sell weapons have one more question. The question that I have here and they all seem to be related towards family and relationships, which is what you were talking about quite a bit. We have a sister here. And she was discussing how her again, it's referencing her in laws or novelists and her husband is and she's just concerned with referencing celebrations and her young child initially she hadn't any concern, but now that she has a child, she's just kind of trying to figure out how to go through and navigate this path without making herself uncomfortable or introducing her child with something that might be problematic if she considers this child obviously

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very impressionable, but since she wants to please her husband and her and his parents to get some light on that. Okay, and hamdulillah salat wa salam ala rasulillah Hualalai Asahi, or Manuela Havas children definitely at a young age are very, very impressionable. And that is why we have to be very, very careful in terms of the environment that we take them to an environment that they expose them to now and humble and very glad that the sister is very conscious of the fact that your child is very impressionable. And this shows her This shows the fact that there'll be a nighttime that she's trying her best to raise her child to the best of her ability, we've placed a lot of time with

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Adam that he rented his office to do so. Now, when it comes to in terms of, you know, weighing the good and evils of in laws, especially if those images are non Muslim, this definitely becomes a very touchy and sensitive situation, but I'm going to put you at ease at the same time. And that is that visualizar law, as the in laws that you're speaking of are non Muslim, and they actually want to see your child's you know, feel at comfort that you know, you can take them there and spend time with them. But make sure that you're there in their presence bit in the heat island. That so always stay with your child while they're there. Obviously, don't be like, over protective like, you know, hot

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stuff that they're about to pick them up. And they're like, you're like, no, don't pick them up, leave her in the crib, I think you don't want to have that type of mentality. But at the same time, you don't want to give them a full fledged freedom of yours, they can do as they please, with your child as well. So I would say you'll play this by ear, whatever you feel comfortable with. You can adjust appropriately, but it's time as we speaking, there's nothing wrong with you taking your child to your non Muslim in law's house. You know, be very careful of, you know, the environment, you know, let them know what is allowed islamically and what is not allowed. Maybe you want to direct

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this through your husband, especially if there's like the presence of alcohol, the presence of music, maybe the presence of obscene words, then you know, you want to communicate this to your husband, that you know we don't want our child in such an environment. However, if that is not the case, then be the lights Allah you know, if you put your trust in a lot towards something good. Allah will never disappoint you in terms of that trust. If you're doing this to make your husband happy, you're seeking reward from Allah subhanho wa Taala. You want to raise your child properly, then vizilite Allah, Allah Subhana

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Allah will help you in that, and will protect your child. Now, just something amazing to think about from the seal of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is that when you look at the clld problems that are said on the posters, and him himself was a young man who lived on the outskirts of Moscow. And there was another shepherd boy that was there with him, when he talked us into was a shepherd. And when he was young, he told this other shepherd boy, that, you know, let me go out into the town and let me go out into Mecca, and see what other guys are a guy at our age are doing, and let me have fun to like them as well. So the shepherd, the other Shepherd, boy agrees, he takes care of the

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flock of the pumps. And he goes out into the town. Before this, Adam gets to Makkah, he hears, you know, someone's getting married, they're all the community, all the people guys getting going together there, and they're going to have a lot of fun. Now, as this is about to happen, departments are set up for this asleep, knocked out unconscious, such a heavy sleep that even during this party, he does not wake up, he wakes up after the sun rises, he goes back to his flock of sheep, and the other Shepherd, why he asked people to send him, you know, how is your time in Makkah? What did you do? And he's like, really, really excited to hear all the bad stuff before the silom could have

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done, what devices themselves and look, you know, I went, there was emergency going on, I fell asleep. I didn't end up doing anything. Some time goes by an apostle and tells the shepherd boy again, look, I'm we're going to the town to go take care of my flock, the shepherd boy agrees. he pauses and then goes into the town. And again, someone else is getting married, the whole community is getting together, they're gonna party really hard. Again, Allah subhanho wa Taala causes the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam to fall asleep. And he did not partake in any of the any of the evil that took place at that time. He wakes up when the sun rises, goes back to his flock of sheep,

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the boy asked him, you know, what type of fun Did you have this type, again, the Hawks are sort of

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tells you how the shepherd voice, you know what happened, I fell asleep. I didn't get to do anything. And then after then, you know, the poses, I realized that this wasn't what he was created for us. But the point I want to bring to your attention to over here is that Allah subhanho wa Taala protects his slaves from evil. So sometimes, there's only so much that you can do as an individual, and you'll still end up being affected by your environment. But Allah subhanho wa Taala. On the other hand, when he wants to protect his slaves from evil, when he wants to protect his worshiper from evil, he wants to protect his Wali from evil. Allah subhanho wa Taala will do that, even if

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you're sitting in the evil itself, but most of them entered Messiah, and that he was going on, but Allah subhanaw taala still protected him. So that's what I want to draw your attention to over here, that the very fact that you are concerned means that when the lights are you're trying your best, to raise your child, right. And this means that when you make dua for your child, Allah subhanho wa Taala is going to answer that application to continue to supplicate for your child for guidance, or serenity for a good life. For being entered into paradise, we're being a means of you entering paradise. And you know, every other positive supplication that you can think of, and then leave the

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rest of Allah subhana wa Santa, put your trust in Allah subhanho wa Taala and let him take care of your child as well. So that's something that I hope you're concerned about that you know, you have to keep that relationship open, as it is a means of dialogue towards your husband's parents. And at the same time, you want to be careful of what's going on in the environment. Engage with your husband, tell him the things that you don't like, let him try to fix those things. Visit lasala and I pray that Allah subhanaw taala facilitates and blesses your situation. And I think we can conclude with that too busy life Allah. If there are any other further questions again, you guys can post it

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on the same page and I will try to address them either tonight or tomorrow. vizilite Allah. Allah Hydra