Emotional Intelligence in Islam – Episode 03 – Examples from the life of the Prophet Mohammad (SAW) cont.
Channel: Navaid Aziz
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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim
in Alhamdulillah hinomoto Monastery no one is the hero when I was a villa Himanshu rhodian fusina woman sejati Amina manga de la dama de la la la, la la de la, la la la la la la sharika lah shodhana Mohammed Abu Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa seldom at the Sleeman kathira bad, my dear brothers and sisters as salaam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.
So inshallah, this week, you'll notice that there's a small table of frontier, the reason we've set up that table is try to, you know, hinder the movement between the two sections. So if you need to move between the two sections, please do it from the back rather than in the front inshallah.
I want to start off this week's session,
continuing from where we left off. So we're still at chapter number two, where we're looking at prophetic examples of emotional intelligence. And one of the things they forgot to highlight at the beginning of chapter two was how the basis of emotional intelligence revolves around empathy revolves around empathy. And one of the clearest examples of how the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam built empathy into people was when a young person a young man, he comes to the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he asked the Messenger of Allah O Messenger of Allah give me permission to commit Zina give me permission to commit Zina. And you probably sal Allahu alayhi wa
sallam, he pauses and reflects for a second. And I want you to imagine, you know, the outdoor in the community, like you're sitting in a gathering in the masjid. And this young boy comes and poses this question. There's an outburst. How dare he asked the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, this question. You're the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he frames the answer in such a way. He says, Would you like this for your mother? Would you like this for your sister? Would you like this for your aunt? And this young boy, he continuously says, No. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is teaching him something very, very important at that time, that if you
don't like something for yourself, if you don't like something for others, don't like it for yourself. Either. You don't like something for others don't like it for yourself, either. And this is a very unique situation over here, because we want to look at several things. Number one, the level of comfort the boy has in approaching the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, meaning that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has already established this precedent, that no matter what issue you come to me with, no matter what problem you have, this is a safe space. You're not going to be judged over here. Your creation of Allah, I'm accretion of Allah, I'm here to help you. I'm
not here. I'm here to help you. I'm not here to judge you. That's what the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has established off the bat. Number two,
the fact that this young boy came to ask permission, right? Why would you come to ask permission? And this is a desire that you have. So clearly, this young boy is struggling with something. And that is why he came to us because if there's no struggle, people just commit whatever sin they want. They don't ask permission for it, they just go ahead and do it. Yet this young boy is clearly identified as struggling with the problem. And that's why he poses the question. And that is why the identification of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam of this struggle helps him frame the most appropriate answer. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam clearly could have just said, No. And
then that could have been End of discussion. But would that help the young man struggle? It wouldn't have helped his struggle? Would it have made things clearer for him? No, would he knows what the right and wrong is? Yes, he would have known that, but that wouldn't have helped his struggle. So point number three, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he teaches us that when it comes to emotional intelligence and interacting with people, half of the solution is recognizing the problem. And half of the solution is helping people overcome it. Half the solution is helping people overcome it. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam chose empathy as a tool over here, that if you voted
to like this for your mother, if you wouldn't like this for your sister, you wouldn't like this for any of your female relatives, then don't like it for yourself either. Don't like it for yourself, either. Now, there's a fundamental, you know, missing connection over here, which is the concept of the law that had been established within pre Islam, and continued within Islam as well. So this concept of zira of being protective over a woman folk, and this concept of protective nature, it's almost called you know, hello jealousy often, but that's not it. It's it's a protective nature that a man is meant to have over his womenfolk that we would not want to expose them to indecency, nor
would we want them to be in situations and circumstances where their modesty would be compromised. So this was something that was already established in the culture and that's what the prophet SAW
New Zealand could call to it. But I want you to imagine in this day and age in this culture, you try to call to that zero, it's going to be non existent, it's going to be non effective. It's like, you know, and unfortunately, this happens in some Muslim societies as well. But I'm speaking more predominant. I'm a non Muslim society, my sister is doing it, my mom is doing it, why shouldn't I be doing it? Right, so it wouldn't work over here. So you probably saw a lot of audio silom is using as an established tool in a society to his advantage to help educate and help this young man with his struggle. So this concept of empathy is the foundation for emotional intelligence. Now, what we want
to bring to our attention over today, is the concept of emotional understanding. So last week, we spoke about emotional awareness, recognizing emotions within yourself and recognizing emotions within others. Today, we want to talk about emotional understanding. What is the difference between the two? I want to share a story with you. And for those of you that study fables, there's a story or a fable of a young man by the name of an dockless. I might be butchering the name. But what's important is a story. And doc list is a shepherd who works for a very, very cruel master. He works for a very, very cruel master. So that's when Douglas is, and the people of the town that on Douglas
lives in, are constantly in a state of fear. What happens regularly is there is a lion that comes into the town and comes into the village shouts and screams and roars and scares people away back to their houses, and people become petrified. And they no longer feel comfortable and safe leaving their house. So one day and dogless he says, You know what? I'm fed up of my master. He's always abusing me, physically and emotionally. He never appreciates any of the work that I do. I'm going to run away. So he decides to run away. And as he decides to run away, he eventually finds himself spending the night in a cave. And as he's in the cave, lo and behold, who's in the cave? It's the
lion, Savonarola. And in darkness, he realizes, oh my god, you know, how am I going to survive? This is the same line that comes into the village and scares everyone away. So in darkness, he prepares for his death. He's like, you know what, this is it. I'm dead. And as this lion is coming closer, and is roaring and screaming, and shouting, and Douglas notices that the line isn't walking straight, the line isn't walking straight, it almost has a limp. And he's like that this is so strange. So I'm dhoklas in the most non confrontational way possible, he gets close to the leg that is limping, and he notices that there's a small Thorn inside the foot of the lion he caresses the
lion and gently touches the line and lifts up the leg of the line to pull out to this thorn
and then darkness freezes at that time because the line looks directly into the darkness his eyes and darkness thinks this is it he's going to eat me but the line starts to lick and darkness and then darkness you know embraces this love and camaraderie that this line is now showing him now what do we learn from this story? What would we learn from the story who wants to drive a lesson from the story?
lines have emotions so it it is a fable but yes lines do have emotions, more all of us Christians you know that move around and and
are created things have emotions good.
Understanding what the line is going through so the boys is trying to understand what the lion is going through.
And the doctor the situation to take care of it. Okay, Ibrahim
excellent. When you show acts of kindness, they will be reciprocated.
face your fear Mashallah, excellent.
The physical touch makes a huge difference from the sisters. Go ahead.
Everyone has a thorn. They just need someone to see it. Okay. Anyone else from the sisters? Any other lessons you can derive?
When you're in pain, you're going to project very negatively. Excellent. So these are all great answers.
line shows gratefulness and gratitude. Okay, last one, go ahead.
So when we were talking about the Prophet sallallahu wasallam, helping that young man is exactly what this young boy did to the line, he was helping him very good answer to Xochimilco. And one of the lessons that will get noticed, and this is a very practical lesson that we need to understand is that not everyone knows how to talk about their pain. The lion used to keep coming to the town village, he's shouting and screaming, and the village people are running away from the light, because they're petrified thinking that the lions gonna eat them. What at that point, the lion isn't trying to scare them. All he's trying to do is convey that I'm in pain, Can someone help me. And
this is a very valuable lesson, that when you interact with people, not everyone knows how to confess their pain. Not everyone knows how to convey their pain and talk about their problems. It's a big blessing that Allah subhanho wa Taala has taught young children to cry, big blessing. You know, as a parent, I empathize with all the parents that don't get any sleep at night, and they get frustrated with a crying baby. But you need to look at it from this perspective.
Can you imagine if your child was not able to cry, there's something bothering the child, but it's unable to express itself. It would live in that painting that eventually dice that's what it would have happened in Allah subhanho wa Taala. And his divine wisdom teaches the young child to cry automatically, as soon as it comes out of the womb. It knows how to cry, no one had to teach a child how to cry. It knows how to do this one thing. So anytime there is pain, anytime there is discomfort, the child will scream and shout at the top of its lungs. And it's up to the parents to figure out, is the child hungry? Does the child need a diaper changed? Is the child sleepy? What is
the issue and there's only so many issues that the child can have, till eventually you're going to hit you know, get figured out. And eventually through trial and error, you can actually learn from the type of cry what the child needs to do. Now I use this example over here. Because as human beings when we see people outburst, you know they act abnormally there's an outburst, that is uncharacteristic of them. Our natural reaction is let's reprimand them, let's put them in their place. Let's teach them a lesson. Let's discipline them. Whereas what we learned from this is that when there is an outburst, this is a cry for help. People don't know how to ask for help. People
don't know what their problem is. They can just identify the pain. They don't know how to talk about it. So similarly, like the young boy, or the young man that came to the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he's identified a struggle, he doesn't know any other way to talk about it. So he poses it in the form of a question. And the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam identifies it. So when we talk about emotional awareness, it's about understanding my emotions and your emotions. When we talk about emotional understanding, it's about understanding the source of the pain, what is causing this pain. So now, if we look at our own lives, if you pay very, very
close attention, there's only limited things that will cause you pain, there are limited things that will cause you pain. So for example, when you're hungry, you're going to be grumpy, when you're sleep deprived, you're going to be grumpy, right?
When someone provokes you, and mocks you and teases you, you're going to feel angry, and then you're going to feel hurt. Right? So these are similar emotions that everyone will have. There are very few instances where someone will experience something that you haven't experienced already. So you're calling to is after we able to identify the emotion, then learn to identify what are the possible causes of this emotion? What are the possible causes of this emotion. As I mentioned, in babies, it's very easy to identify food, hunger sleep, as you get a bit older, yes, that list expands a little bit. But there's still a defined scope. And if you're able to understand when, what your
causes of pain are, you'll be able to understand what causes pain to others, and therefore you'll be emotionally able to understand them. Which brings us into if you've learned to empathize, and you've learned what a powerful tool it is, then you have to learn to understand the importance of listening.
What does listening actually mean? What does listening actually mean?
So I want to give you the example of my father rahima Hola.
In his older years, he would always ask me to take him to the grocery store. And I couldn't understand why. I'd always tell them, Look, let me just go and buy this stuff. And I'll come back home, and you don't even have to leave the house. So in my desire of wanting to bring him comfort, in my desire of wanting to be to be time efficient, and more productive. Let me do that task. Yet even though my father or him my whole life is asking me
Before this, I wasn't listening to what he really wanted. I wasn't listening to what he really wanted, which was just to spend time with me outside of the house. That's all he wanted. He couldn't care what we were doing. just buying groceries for the house was the only valid excuse. And so finally, this is something that I picked up much later on. After the human law. He passed away. I kept on thinking of, you know, his asks, and I realized one of the things he would always ask for is Take me to the grocery store, and it looks vital that had nothing to do with buying groceries. He could have sent me the list and given me the list. I could have done it. It was more about spending
time with me outside of the house. Now, where do we see this in the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. There's a beautiful story of Baba hora de la Hondo where he talks about how he was able to memorize so many a hadith. So it's reported in Sahil Bukhari is in back to back Hadith. He says that the muhajir rune, they were busy with their trade, the answer, they were busy with harvesting their crops. And as for myself, I dedicated my life to spending as much time with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. But what that meant was I was extremely poor. And I was not able to eat up and until people gave me some food, so that I would have to eat. and due to this lack of food, I would
often have seizures. And people would come stand on my neck, and they would beat me thinking that I was possessed by a gin trying to beat the gin out. But My only problem was that was I needed some food. So one of these days in the machine, I have a seizure, people stand on me, and they start beating me. And I push them away eventually, after the seizure is over, saying that all I need is some food. But at that time, the people dispersed and no one paid any attention. So I thought to myself that if there's someone that is going to help me is going to be on top. So he goes to the top and he asks him, Omar, I want to ask you about such and such verse that was revealed. Can you tell
me about it? And Omar starts walking and he starts telling him about this verse, till he arrives at the door of his house. And the Buddha is hoping and pleading that Omar will invite him in and give him some food. But Omar excuses himself and goes inside. So he says, You know what, if someone isn't able to help me, then the person that can definitely help me is Abu Bakar de la Juan. And he goes double Booker and he asked him the exact same question. Tell me about such and such verse. And again, he accompanies him to his house tillable book of excuses himself. And again, there's no one to feed him till he finally is his final, his final straw, and he says, you know who's gonna feed
me? It is none other than the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he goes to the house of the Messenger of Allah, he could find the Messenger of Allah so I sell them and the arsenal messenger of Allah, tell me about this verse. And the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he tells him about the versatility finally arrives at the house. And at that time, the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, in his playful ingestible nature. He just leaves he doesn't even excuse himself, he just walks into his house. And the Allahu anhu He's like, you know, flabbergasted, how good the mustard urologists abandoned me like that. This is meant to be the
Messenger of Allah, my final hope to the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. He peeks outside gives him a smile, and he tells him come in. And then he asked, I should be allowed to Atlanta from behind the curtain Oh, is what do we have to drink? Or what what do we have to serve our guests? And I showed him the Allahu taala. And he says, we have a cauldron of milk, a pot of milk. And whatever the Allahu taala who he thinks, jackpot. You know what, this is it. I'm gonna have a whole cauldron of milk to myself. There's no one else in this house, other than me, the Messenger of Allah. And I showed her the love of Donna. And if they wanted it, they would have had
it already. But the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he continues to play with a Valera. He says, oh, boyhood era, before you drink, go and call the rest of the sofa. And so far the rest of the poor people that live inside of the masjid. So wherever the Allahu anhu is like, man, I can distribute the Messenger of Allah. So he goes, tell us on the sofa, food inside the Messenger of Allah Solomon's house coming as quickly as you can run this back first in line,
the Messenger of Allah so I sell them says, amazing data, you made it back first, you can serve our guests when they come.
And there is extra panela like, I'm not gonna win today, am I? So now everyone comes the citizens in a circle. And this pot of milk is given to the Allahu anhu and it's full, and he's giving it to person by person as they're drinking from it. And he can feel it deplete it's slowly getting emptier and emptier till eventually it goes all the way around and there's barely anything left.
And he thinks to himself, Subhana Allah, you know, what type of believer would I be, if I didn't offer it to the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So he offers it to the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and if
selam is absorbing this, like, it's very hard to hide your emotion when you're hungry and all the food is being eaten in front of you. Right? Like, it's the day that you're fasting and everyone else is eating around you. People can tell you want that food, and he could see it in the eyes of the law. Why no departments, Allah lohani was so dumb. He blows into this cauldron after he drunk from it, and it replenishes itself, it replenishes itself. And he gives it up what era? And the Allahu taala was astonished that how did this replenish itself, and he drinks till he's full. And he promised to sell them, he tells him drink some more, and he drinks till he can't drink anymore. And
the prophets I seldom tells him drink some more teleporter de la hotel and he says it was as if the milk was going to start coming out of my nostrils at that time. And he said, O Messenger of Allah, I can't take any more I can't take any more. Now, when you look at this Hadeeth multiple lessons, so many lessons you can derive from this. Number one is that he was already able to identify the generous nature of aboubaker Omar, they had already been identified for their generosity. So he said, Let me make that my first step number two, is how the vast majority of people are unable to identify what avoider as leaders, people see him having these epileptic seizures regularly. No one
knows why no one's bothered to figure out why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam does. Number three ovaherero the Allahu taala? No, he has shyness in him. He doesn't want to ask people for something. So he disguises that pain in asking a question and asking the question. So people again will not talk about their pain, they will not talk about their problem. They will want you to get a solution. Hopefully by you being generous, and you're noticing by what's going on. Then he goes to the host of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and you see this playful nature of the Messenger of Allah, the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi salam, even as a grown man, as a
prophet of Allah, He loves to play around and he loves to be, you know, just for with his friends. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, then invites everyone and teaches Oba hora de la hotel and a very valuable lesson, that it is not befitting for a Muslim to have something to eat, except that they share it with others except that he shared with others. No matter how desperate your situation is always shared with others. We also learn from this Hadith, the miracles of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, that which was not possible for others, was possible for the Messenger of Allah as you replenish this culture. And then last but not least, how departments Allahu alayhi Salaam
commanded him to drink. Other lessons you find from this, the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam did not know what food he had in his house to show how little food he constantly kept in his house. Another example of this is how content the companions were with milk. I want you to imagine a guest comes to your house, and you serve them as a glass of milk. People would be offended, like what type of hospitality is this? Like your hospitality has become hospitalized, right? Like what is up why milk? Right? yet to them, it was food and drink at the same time to show the level of of their standards of living. So all of these multiple lessons, but the key lesson we
want to derive is the ability to listen to someone's problem without them actually saying it without them actually saying it. So how do you learn to listen to someone's problem, when they're not willing to confess what it actually is. So if you remember last week, we talked about how people express emotions. Only 7% of it was verbal, the vast majority of it is body language, and facial expression. And if you can learn to pay attention, and listen to people's facial expressions, and listen to people's body language, you'll be able to identify their pain, you'll be able to identify their pain.
One of the lessons
I continue to learn in my own relationship with my wife, is that when it comes to listening, as men, and as people in this day and age in particular, we've been conditioned, you listen for the sake of solving a problem. Someone is talking to you. So therefore they want you to solve that problem. But in reality, not everyone wants their problem solved. You ask the vast majority of wives, when you talk to your husband about a problem? Do you want his advice on how to solve it? Do you want his advice on how to solve it louder so they can hear you know, they don't want your advice on how to solve it. They want to be able to express themselves and have you understand what they are going
through and have you understand what they're going through. So when it comes to listening, make sure that you're not listening for the sake of responding. Make sure you're not listening for the sake of providing a solution. The first step to listen
Think is to understand what a person is going through. The second step of listening, is trying your utmost best to validate that it's their experience that you have every right to feel the way that you do. And then after that, pose the question, would you like me to help you with your problem? Would you like me to provide a solution? If at that point they answer yes, provide the solution. If they don't, then that's the end of the conversation. You may think, man what an unfulfilling conversation, no solutions were provided. But from a woman's perspective, that has been a very fulfilling experience. Now similarly, when you're dealing with people that have problems, the first
step to fulfillment is having people understand their problem and validate their emotions. And then their final concern, if it is a concern for them, is the solution is the solution. So when you learn to listen, make sure you're listening for the right reasons, not for yourself, but for their sick. And this is one of the biggest problems of our time, that everything is done for ourselves. We listen even for the sake of ourselves. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is teaching us listen for the sake of the other person. And this is going to require patience is going to require restraint. But if you understand that, you know what, this is my function, and this is my rule, then
you will understand how to better resolve the scenario. So I'm going to give the man a solution, a problem over here.
How many of the men in this room are married? If you're married, raise your hand. Okay. You come home late from work one day, and your wife asks you, where were you? How are you going to respond to this? I want to hear answers.
Sorry, raise your hand and then like it.
I love you.
Don't even address the question.
Honey, did you miss me? Okay. So no one wants to answer the question. Clearly, you have to have some very shady business. Go ahead.
The obvious answer coming from work. Okay, anyone else? Go ahead.
I went to visit a friend.
I just told you came back from work. Why would you lie?
so she'd be okay with you visiting a friend, which is you wouldn't be okay with you coming from work. I think you're going to draw more attention to yourself. If you're coming home at 11 o'clock, and you're like, Yeah, I was visiting a friend. That's going to be more problematic.
So now, this incident happens with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, towards the end of his life. When he probably still allow it alayhi wa sallam in the middle of the night. He went to visit el Bahia, which is a cemetery of Medina. And the Shahada offered in his final couple of weeks before he passed away. sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and as he's leaving his house in the middle of the night, because he's sleeping, Isla de la who is sleeping, and he gets up in the middle of the night and just leaves. So I showed her the Allahu taala. And her she's curious, where is the Messenger of Allah sallallahu, Alayhi Salaam, going
and he leaves and I showed her the Allahu taala and her from a distance starts following him. The Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam calls on clearly I'm being followed in the middle of the night, that you have to understand. There's no cars that are making noise. There's no air conditioners that are making noise. It's the still of the night, like something is making a noise. You're gonna hear it. So the messenger assassin goes and does what he has to do. And eventually he starts making his way back. And I showed up to the hotel and she realizes he is going to be coming back. So she comes back and she lays down in the in her bed. And she's like huffing and puffing.
She's laying down because she hurried back. And he probably still aloha New Zealand, he comes home. And he says, and he just like puts his hand on it allows tadhana to sense the maker show that look, I can see that you're huffing and puffing, you know, why were you following me? And he posed that question. And she rajala Hotel Anna, she says, O Messenger of Allah. How can a person like me not be jealous of a person like you? Meaning that the presumption was that he was spending a night with one of his other wives? And she sensed that perhaps these are his final months and she didn't want to lose that from the messenger. vilasa each night is precious. So she says How can a person like me
not to be jealous over a person like you know, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has a make or break moment, like at this point. It can turn into a full on disaster of like, how dare you follow me? How dare you not trust me? You know, don't you know who I am? x, y and Zed. Yet the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. He turns the script he flips the script on her. She says How can a person like me not
Joshua person like you, he says, How can a person like me not be faithful to a person like you? Like look at the look at the wisdom over here, and that just completely, you know de escalates the whole situation. So what we learn over here is that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam identified the emotion, which is the emotion of jealousy, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam also identifies over here that it was going to do more damage if I become defensive. Or if I start making up excuses, you know, I avoiding the question like, I love you, or I was visiting a friend, or some of the other excuses, we heard, they would actually cause more damage. So the province of Southern
completely de escalates the situation, through using the exact same language. And the exact wording that I showed the Allahu tadhana uses, how can a person like me not be jealous over a person like you? How can a person like me not be faithful to a person like you, and that completely de escalates the situation. So this is part of the emotional awareness and understanding that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam has, so you identify the pain, the emotion, identify the source of the pain, and you train yourself naturally on how to respond to it, you train yourself naturally on how to respond to it. Now what happens in situations like this, in situations where your thoughts get
the best of you? And we'll all have situations like this, where our thoughts will get the best of us? You know, why did that person look at me like this? Why did this person not respond in this way. And then we start thinking of all of the possible scenarios, almost all of them being negative, or this person hates me, this person has a vendetta against me, this person has x, y, and Zed thoughts against me. And this is what we start thinking of. This is what we will call emotional flooding. This is what we will call emotional flooding. Emotional flooding, is when your emotions reached such a level that they completely overtake your thought process. So just like when a flood comes and
wipes away everything that is there, this emotional flooding comes and wipes away your rationale completely wipes away irrational completely. So this is something that often when a woman poses a question to her husband, if there's already distrust in the relationship, when she asks, Where are you? It's no longer a concept of, you know, I missed your companionship. And that's why I'm so upset, it becomes more of a question of there is that mistrust and distrust in our relationship, and I need to feel secure now to make sure that our relationship is still secure, because she's going through that process of emotional flooding, because there's already a precedent. So either something
one of our friends went through something that perhaps you did in the past, something of that nature. So now you have to try extra hard to counter that emotional flooding to counter that emotional flooding. Now, what's really amazing is that even though emotional flooding is such a modern day term, like you'll find it only in the concept of emotional intelligence, which I said is very, very recent. You find it one of the in one of the great scholars or not one of the great scholars, one of the scholars of Islam, Abu Zubaydah, belfie, who died in the year 235 30 235. And he says that there's four emotions that people will feel that will cause this emotional flooding,
four emotions that people will feel that will cause this emotional flooding. Number one, it is fear and panic. Number one is fear and panic when people are afraid and are panicking. That is when that emotional flooding will overtake them. Number two, is anger and aggression, anger and aggression. So when there's anger and aggression, this emotional flooding will take over them. Number three, sadness and depression, sadness, and depression. And then number four is obsession. Number four is obsession. So when you think of fear and panic, let's think about times where people fear and panic, and they become obsessive with their thoughts and their thoughts overtake them. So I can think of an
example in my life, where my parents trusted me with the car for the very first time. And Subhanallah amazing. I think you will, I'm pretty sure was the first time they went let me out with the car by myself. I'm like, I'm mature. I can handle myself. I can take care of this. They gave me the keys to the car. And what do you think I did? I got the car scratched. I tried to reverse the car into a parking slot. And it was too narrow, too tight, the mirror of the car and obstructing the side of the car. And I started panicking and freaking out. I started thinking I'm going to be grounded. They're never going to let me get my license. I'm going to be 40 before I got my license.
All the kids in my school are gonna make fun of me. I'm going to be the uncool kid because I'm going to be the only one that has no license and all of this panic in my head. My thoughts can come flooding. I go home and I'm on the verge of tears.
I'm trying to be strong. I'm like, man, I gotta control these tears. And I'm like, I'm really sorry. But
I scratched the car. And it was amazing. Like, they didn't bat an eyelash. They're like, God, Allah, it's okay, inshallah we'll get it fixed. And I was like,
man, I should scratch the car more often. Right? Like, that's the sense of relief, I felt that it's no big deal. And I was such a sense of relief. But the reason why I share this experience is because when it comes to fear and panic, your thoughts will flood and think about anger and aggression, right? someone does something to harm you. I'm going to kill this person, I'm going to pound this person, I'm going to do X, Y, and Zed to this person, your thoughts overtake you, because we want to seek that revenge. Same thing with sadness and depression. Something happens in the relationship, there's a breakup, how am I going to survive without this person, life is going to be miserable, the
future is going to be a disaster without this person, your thoughts overtake you. And then same thing with obsession, when you become obsessed with something. And perhaps this is the most dangerous one, your obsession with something, it will completely overtake you. Like when you constantly keep thinking about this one thing, it becomes such a distraction for you that you will go to any extents to get to that thing, and you'll even justify the wrong act to that time. So this concept of emotional flooding, these are the four sources that are identified by Jose de Bercy. Now, in a modern day approach, it's become more nuanced. And there's more segments and categories. But
it's pretty much the same concept, these four main concepts. So now obviously, the better he, he provides a solution to this, he says, when you're dealing, when you're dealing with emotional flooding, and you're dealing with your thoughts, completely overtaking you, what do you do at that time, he says, you have to take a two tier approach, you have to take a two tier approach. Approach number one, is an external approach. And he says this external approach revolves around you becoming busy and being productive. And number two, you having friends, or individuals that can positively deconstruct your emotional flooding. So for example, keeping yourself in something busy, you go and
find a project that you need to do, that you're helping someone out with, you're volunteering somewhere, you keep yourself busy during that time, up, and until you have an opportunity to speak to a friend that is very positive in deconstructing your emotional flooding. So you had an experience where emotional flooding was triggered, you explain it to them, and they do to their objective relationship to this incident, are able to identify you know, what, you overthinking this scenario? It's not what you think there's possibly an understanding, a better understanding and a better interpretation. And that's what you need. So this is from an external standpoint, from an
external standpoint, from an internal internal standpoint, he says, the second approach you need to take is one of empathy, that flip the script. Imagine, you're this person that is hurting someone else has done something wrong is caused anger has caused fear or panic, and so on and so forth. What would you want that other person to think of you? How would you want that person to interact with you? So rather than becoming the victim, think if you're the perpetrator, how would you want to be treated in that situation? And that scenario, and that's something that's very difficult to do, to tell your mind time to shut off, we're going to flip the script. I'm no longer the victim. I am no
longer the victim. But what would it be like to be on the other side? Is it possible that it was an accident? Is it possible that it was a mistake? Is it possible that the person didn't know what they were doing? Is it possible this person had a may have very good intentions towards me, but just messed up? And you start thinking of all of these possible reasons and excuses, if you are the person on the other side. And that's the beautiful thing about us, we will make 1000 excuses for ourselves, even though so difficult to make excuses for others. But in this scenario and situation, learn to flip that script. And you learned to make excuses for other people by putting yourself in
Now, chapter number two, it concludes with the concept of prophetic parenting. And what is the time right now?
Sure, sure, go ahead.
So Matt, so the brothers question is, imagine you're in that situation and circumstance, why can't you just approach them? And ideally, that would be the mature thing to do. The problem is, most people aren't mature enough to do that. Very few people will actually go out of their way to ask someone, why did you do this? or Why did you look at me like this? or Why did you allow such and such thing to happen? People just won't do it. They let their thoughts you know, develop and brewing
their head tiller internally ready to implode the mature thing to do, yes, eventually, once you've calmed down and you're in control of your emotions, you go and ask them about it and find out their side of the story. And most of the times, you'll see that it is non malicious. Most of the times people don't intend it to do wrong, but just do it because it's human error.
I think depending on the scenario and the circumstance, you don't want to judge if people are lying or not. But that's like a discussion for a different time. That's a discussion for a different time in Sharma. So chapter number two, it concludes with prophetic parenting, it concludes with prophetic parenting. Now, I was thinking is this something we really want to highlight? Because we have a large, you know, portion of the audience that is attending these halaqaat. There are not, you know, ready to be parents and aren't parents. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought to myself, you know what, this is something that definitely has to be established. It's better to start
these discussions now and get them ready for parenting, even if it's still a decade or more away, to make sure that we're doing this right to make sure that we're doing this right. So now the mothers the wives of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam are called the mothers of the believers, which would make the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam By default, the father of the believers. Yet the Quran does not use this terminology, Allah subhanaw taala did not use this terminology. In fact, Allah subhanho wa Taala negates this terminology. Makana Mohammedan Abba, Mary jellico that Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is not the father of any of your men. So there's a divine wisdom why Allah subhanho
wa Taala is negating this fatherhood from the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam for any of the men, it will claim the Himalayan mountain mentions multiple reasons. At the head of them. Any man that was a direct descendant of the possessor, meaning his son would have such an impossible Life to Live, he, they're not going to be a prophet of Allah, the prophet hood is over mean that they're just going to be a regular human being, meaning that everyone would look at them with the higher scrutiny. So I want you to think of how people treat the children of imams are righteous people, the children of Imams, and righteous people have such a huge burden on them, because they
need to live up to the standard of their father, right? You want to go see a movie, it's extra hard on for you, because you're the child of the Imam or this righteous person, not just regular extra, because everyone's so so imagine the son of the process of any mistake, how dare the son of the messenger, awesome, you know, do that. And then number two, if that was the negative side, the positive side of it was this level of just failure, that my father was the greatest of human beings, and he had such an exalted character, there's no way I could live up to that. And Allah subhanaw taala saved these male children of the processor them from that burden and pressure of having to
live up to that ideal and example. Now, the reason why I bring this up is we don't directly see the Parenthood, or the parenting skills of the Prophet sallallaahu salam, except in two circumstances in scenarios, one in his interaction with a lesson and Crusade, and two in his interaction with Father modeled the Allahu Tanana. So before we get into that, what I want to do is talk about modern methods of parenting modern methods of parenting, in times of conflict in times of conflict, so your child does something bad. What will a modern parent respond and we're just highlighting the negative right now before we get to the positive. So number one, I will completely ignore this outburst. The
child is expressing emotion, anger, frustration, crying, and you know what, I'm completely going to ignore it, because I don't want to deal with it. I just don't want to deal with it. And hopefully, if I ignore it enough, long enough, it will solve itself. So this is one style of parenting when it comes to outbursts. style number two is just let them be. Let them you know, go full fledged outbursts. And this is something actually good for them. The parent thinks you know what I'm being responsible parent by letting my child have this outburst. then number three, is by disrespecting the child's emotion. So a child's crying all the sudden is bothering the child. So you completely
disrespect the child's emotion by shouting and screaming at them. Now, I want to talk about fatherhood for a moment. I want to talk about fatherhood for a moment. Being a father in this day and age is a very difficult task. It is a very difficult task, and often what has happened due to our own cultural upbringing as men we've been brought up to think if I pay for the bills, and I show up at home at night, and my presence is vaguely there, even though I may be emotionally disconnected, mentally disconnected.
I fulfilled my responsibility as a father. And perhaps this paradigm, it worked for a very, very long time. You know, in our cultures, we were brought up to think this is the only role that the father had to play. But what this does is it emotionally stunts, the children, and emotionally stints the children, they don't emotionally develop, because the father plays such a,
I don't even know how to describe like invaluable rule that the child always looks. For the father's validation, the child always wants to be like the Father. And when the father is not emotionally available, is not psychologically available, and thinks that the only function is to pay the bills and to be physically present. We are harming our children in that way. And this is something we learned that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam went out of his way to change the province of Aloha, new Salem, actively went out of his way to change. So previously, we mentioned the story of a club, no habits, where he says, almost in Java law, do you kiss your children, I have 10 children,
I've never kissed any of them. And you probably sell a lot when you sell them says, Whoever does not show mercy will not be showing mercy. And another Hadith and this is perhaps more confrontational. You rarely see this when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. But the point has to be driven home, that in other buffeted by mammals, mcquoddy a young man, a man comes to the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he sees him kissing an essence and unforeseen and he says, All messenger of Allah, I have never kissed my children, nor can I find them doing so. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he responds by saying, surely Allah has snatched the mercy away from
your heart. Surely Allah subhanaw taala has snatched the mercy away from your heart. Now why do I bring this up? The reason why I bring this up, my dear brothers and sisters, is because the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam went out of his way to show emotion towards his children, and I'm using that term loosely, because we're talking about sin and Fatmata the Allahu taala and her
as a conglomerate altogether. How many stories do we have on the Hasina machine, where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam, is paying that extra attention to them. So we have the story where the processor is carrying each of them on their shoulder, and he's kissing each of them as he's walking along. We have the story of when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is giving a hoot. He's in the middle of a horrible Anil hassanal her saying come into the machine, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he gets off the number gets down, picks them up, embraces them. And then he gets back onto the number. And he reminds the people in order to confirm that, indeed, your wealth and
your children are a fitna. And this is something that the problems are and show them did not shy away from his publicly embracing them, and publicly showing love for them. You probably saw a lot while he was still him. He says that whoever loves and has an Hussein loves me, and whoever does not love them does not love me. And he constantly refers to us as sane as his flowers. They are my personal flowers. Now move on to Fatima de la Ilaha. And now it gets even more perplexing. Like this is the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. You know he has he has had no parents like his parents passed away before he even grew up. And he's constantly moved from you know, Uncle
grandfather, to no relationship whatsoever to abandonment from his family to community. Where is this emotional intelligence coming from? Where is this expressive emotion coming from? Kill events, you you learn that Allah subhana wa tada had prepared him for this. That was fine that Allah instilled this inside of him, and then nurtured it and then nurtured it. So you have forced him out of the Allahu talana, who I showed the Allahu taala and how he describes there is no one more similar to the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, in physical appearance or in manners than Fatima rhodiola. Juana no one more similar, and that wasn't accidental. Because she goes on to
explain that when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was sitting in the gathering, and for tomorrow, the Allahu taala would come in, he would stand up for her, would embrace her, and then give her his seat wherever he was sitting. And then Fatima, Allahu taala. And her anytime she was in the gathering and the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam would walk in, she would stand up for him, embrace him and give her his seat. Give her give her, give him her seat.
And this is why I want you to think about this. Towards the end of the life of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, I showed the Allahu taala she says one day the Messenger of Allah Southern summoned Fatima in to the room. And he asked me to leave and be separate. And I wanted to hear what was happening, but I couldn't hear. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he whispered
In the Euro 14 model, the Allahu talana, to which she started to cry. And then a little while later, he whispers something again, to watch for the amount of the Allahu taala and her, she starts to laugh.
And I asked her as she was leaving, but she didn't tell me. But when the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam passed away, she finally told me, she said that the first time the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam whispered in my ear, he foretold to me of his death, that he was going to die. And that's when I began to cry.
And the second time, he whispered something into my ear, he told me that I would be the first of his family members to join him. And six months later on the load to Atlanta, she had passed away. And that is when I began to laugh. No smile, I want you to think of what this conversation at the deepest possible level that you can. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam said, this first telling her that are about to pass away, prepare yourself for it. Can you imagine having a conversation with your daughter, I'm about to pass away, prepare yourself. That takes a deep level of trust, that takes a deep level of confidence that she's going to be able to handle that and know what to do with it.
And then she tell he tells her that you're going to be my first family relative to join me in the hereafter. And that is basically saying, hey, you to prepare yourself, you're going to be dying soon.
When she begins to laugh, that is no longer about her living in this life anymore. It's about she's overjoyed that she'll be with her father. And I think to myself, Allahu Akbar, how does a person develop that level of love with their child, where they're more happy to be, you know, reunited with their parent, then they are fearful of the death of their own lives. Allahu Akbar, they that is a type of parent, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was, that is the type of parent the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was. So what we learned from this, in these few instances that we've been able to collect, in terms of parenting of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam number one is
publicly displaying emotion for our children. And I think this is something that doesn't happen enough. We want to show off our children. My son got an A in school, my son's becoming a doctor, my daughter achieved x, y, and Zed. She's on the honor roll. This is when we will publicly flaunt our children. But when it comes to, you know, I love my child, just for the sake that they're my child. That's too difficult to do. You know, I can't go that far. It might make me seem to human. And this is something you know, I was thinking.
And I don't know how this works. So please, excuse me. But I think there's this concept of, you know, being lazy. I can speak on behalf of all these people. I know it's not true. But it's just something I've seen over and over again. Like, particularly with fathers in the DC community, we only know how to show one emotion. What emotion is that? Anger, like, we know how to get angry. That's all we know how to do. That's the only emotion will show and everything else is a poker face. Like son daughter comes home. I did amazing in school. You're like good. And this is like poker face, like no emotion whatsoever. Yeah, the processor went out of his way to express that emotion
and show that emotion. Number two, is treating our children with respect. Like, for tomorrow, they allow
the processor got up for her. He stood up for her, embrace her and gave her that seat. Can you imagine the type of confidence that instilled in Guatemala de la hotel Atlanta? Can you imagine the type of security that instilled in Guatemala de la hotel Atlanta? Can you imagine this type of a type of psychological self image instilled in Guatemala de la talana. Like just that small incident is so profound, just the fact that he respected her and stood up for her. So learn to respect your children. Number three.
And this is perhaps the most difficult thing
that we see the example of a lesson often seen when the processor is good is on the member. And he gets down to embrace them. And we all know the other story of when you probably sell a lot while they will sell them is praying. And it hasn't. They commonly start playing on the back of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And if our system stays in such that so long, that the companions were afraid that something happened to the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, they said, O Messenger of Allah, we thought something had happened to you, or we thought that revelation had come down, and that is why you stayed in that state. to one of them. He peeked
in the Salah, and he saw has an Hussein pray playing on his back, and he probably sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he says no, it was neither of the two. I just wanted them to finish plague. I just wanted them to finish playing
What exactly is happening in that scenario?
This is such a high stressful interpretation of it. But I want to drive home a point, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he knew that every interaction with a child between the ages of one to four is a make or break situation is a make or break scenario, that if I don't show them love, if I don't let them be children at that time, I can potentially score them from whatever is going on, which is being inside the machine which is praying, which is being religious, which we often see that children that are emotionally scarred at that young age, because a religious person in the masjid told them off. They get scarred from the masjid, from the Salah from the religion as a whole.
And then we spend our whole entire lives later on trying to figure out what did I do wrong?
It was the fact that we didn't emotionally protect them at a young age. And that is a communal responsibility. It is not just a parent's responsibility. Yes, the parent has the extra responsibility. But it is a communal responsibility. That if you see a young child five or younger, they're crying in the masjid, they're playing around in the machine. They're praying and they're making noise in the machine. I beg you by the one that created me and you don't shout out this child, do not represent this child. Imagine you are that child. Imagine how you would want to be treated at that time. That is the lesson you need to take away from tonight's halaqa when dealing
with children do not emotionally scar them or traumatize them, so that you will become the cause of hatred for a person's religious experience, or in this religious space, or whatever it may turn out to be. No, that's a lot of pressure. And one incident may not make or break it. But that is a type of pressure department. So Allahu alayhi wa sallam has left for his own MA in dealing with children, that at any given point, it is a make or break situation, that inshallah I will prolong my session if I have to do let them finish praying that tells you finish playing in the middle of the football, if I have to get down and go and show them love to give them a positive affiliation with the
machine. I will do so I will do so to give them the positive affiliation. So making sure that we create positive affiliations with religious actions with religious species and not negative emotions and not negative emotions. Number four
is the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
being able to be calm and composed in heightened emotions and in heightened situations. And they bring to the example of this unnecessarily Allahu anhu unnecessarily Allahu anhu. Between the ages of seven to 17. He served the Messenger of Allah saw them as a servant. And he says I serve the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam for 10 years, for 10 years. And I never even heard him say off to me once. He didn't say off to me once. And then he remembers a time where the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told me to do something. But I remembered the other young children were plague. And I kept thinking about plague. So in my mind, I wanted to do with the
messenger, so Selim told me, but when I went out, and I saw the other children playing, I couldn't help but watch them and partake, till a long period of time went by, and the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam shows up behind me shows up behind me. Now what can the machine so seldom do at this time? Grab me by the shoulders? Where have you been? Why didn't you do what I told you to do? Right, I just gave you one simple test. Can't you do just one task and emotionally guilt the child and make them feel inadequate? Yeah, the province of Aleppo ano Salaam, took it upon himself to basically play peekaboo with him, puts his hands on his eyes, and he's a guess who's
behind you. And it's the messenger of Alaska saddam. And unless he panics, he's like, Oh, my God, I was supposed to do that task. I completely forgot. Yet the Messenger of Allah Selim, he started playing with the young boys at that time, and ask me to come and join or not ask me but letting us come and join. That could be a part of it. Look, let's just play we'll get to the task later on. So here unnecessarily Allahu wa Taala, who learns a very valuable lesson that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam valued the relationship over the task. And often as parents, when we give tasks to our children will value the task over the child. I told you to do the dishes. Why didn't you do the
dishes? I told you to clean your room. Why didn't you clean your room? You have to understand that the end of the day a child will still be a child. They're not going to be an adult, even adults mess up. How many times have we told to do things, but we'd procrastinate and we delay it. Yet we expect better from children that are not as educated and learned and as mature as us
Where's the logic in that? It doesn't make sense. So learn to value your child over the task as the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam teaches us.
How are we for time now? It's nine o'clock. Okay, so we'll conclude with. With that we're for section two. And as with every section, I always like to read something out from that section. And I want to read two things from chapter two. Number one is on page 99. For those of you that have the book, it's in the middle of the of the page. It says, a plethora of recent studies now suggest that the foundation for emotional capacities like emotional management, emotional flexibility, and emotional understanding, is laid primarily in early childhood, and emotionally unintelligent adult, is often the result and victim of emotionally unintelligent parenting methods. So if you see an
adult, that is emotionally unintelligent, that is a result more likely, of an emotionally educated parenting.
And then the second thing, the second reading I wanted to share with you is actually the very last thing from chapter two, which is on page 110.
A parent who fails to demonstrate strong emotional management before their children has stunted their emotional growth, or worse has caused permanent damage the development of this key aspect of the awkward every outburst of anger, every flustered moment, and every scream is registered as a potential method for dealing with emotions. Perhaps we could agree that children are a blank slate when it comes to dealing with emotions. And it is we the parents and caretakers who write under slate, with their with our own actions and reactions. So basically, children are a blank slate, we have the ability to cultivate them any way that we want. We are the painters and the artists. But if
we don't artistically approach this, and just haphazardly approach it, without thinking and contemplating our actions and reactions, we are going to emotionally stunted them, as did them and permanently damaged them. Now, I know we're supposed to get into the chapter number three, which is moral intelligence. But I don't want to do a haphazard job. What I will share from chapter number three
is a statement of Imam Abu hanifa himolla, which is something I want, you know, for us to think about till we get together next week in sha Allah, which is Emmanuel hanifa. him Allah has asked what is true, what is true understanding, he replied, knowledge of that which benefits the soul and that which harms it. So true understanding of is understanding what will benefit your soul and what will harm your soul, which in essence, is all of the *tier so anything that benefits us, Allah has made hard on anything that harms us, Allah subhanho wa Taala has made her long. Ponder that. Let that brew in your mind till next week, too. We talk about moral intelligence, and then we'll talk
about radical change as well. And that will be the last halaqa the cover of this book inshallah we'll know Tanana sallallahu Sallam robotica, being the Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.