Khatira – Don’t do THIS in front of your kids

Nadim Bashir

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Channel: Nadim Bashir

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The speakers discuss the negative impact of parenting children in early stages of marriage, including conflict and anxiety. They stress the importance of teaching children not to disrespect each other and not to make them part of their relationship. The speakers also emphasize the need for respect and communication in marriage, and the use of abusive and derogatory language. The importance of teaching children that their biological mother is their biological father and that they should not show weakness in front of children. The speakers emphasize the need for leadership in parenting, leadership in education, and avoiding showing weakness in front of children.

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Today Inshallah, we're going to talk about something that, as parents, many of us, we unfortunately do in front of our children. But when it comes to the 30 of our children, we're not careful with these kinds of things. So a lot of times we say the appropriate things, we might do the appropriate things. But there's a lot of times where we do the inappropriate things, or we say the inappropriate things. So today in sha Allah, in this brief Hadith, I want to talk about several things that we should never ever do in front of our children. Several things that we should not do at all in front of our children, it will affect them, it affects their Tobia and affects their spirituality, first

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of all, is that when it comes to respecting parents, there's a lot that is mentioned in the Quran and the Sunnah of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And it does not matter how far the parents are from Allah subhanho wa Taala how unreligious they may be in some circumstances, is always important to understand that they are not allowed children are never allowed to cross the boundaries of respect, this is something that has been highlighted in the Quran. At the same time, the parents have to do something on their end in order to maintain that respect to your son. So the parents cannot behave in a certain way as they wish, and then expect the expect respect in return. So that

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is why these are few things are mentioned first, first of all, is the very first thing that we should never ever do in front of our children, is that we should never ever talk about other family members in front of them. This is something very important. A lot of times we talk about our in laws in front of our children. Sometimes we talk about our own siblings in front of our children. Sometimes we talk about extended family members in front of our children. This is something that we should not do at all why? Because what happens is that when we badmouth our own relatives, our own family members, that our own kids will not have respect for them later on. And a lot of times, kids,

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they feel that you know what, just like if my parents are showing some kind of resentment towards their family members, that gives me the authority to show resentment towards my uncle, my aunt, my grandmother, my grandfather, and you know, and so forth. And that is why we should never ever talk about other people in front of our children. This is something that happens a lot. But that's why I will say that we try to make sure that we keep it between the couple if the husband has an issue, for example, with in laws, talk to the wife about it, if the wife on the opposite side, they have issues, keep it between the couple, there is no need to speak about it in front of the children.

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Yes, at times, it may come out there might be some, you know, there might be some feelings, there might be some emotions and so forth. And it comes out in front of children once in a while, that's fine. But to constantly talk about other people and other family members in front of the children is something that is considered as a no, no. Number two, when there is an issue a conflict between the husband and wife, do not ever discuss your issues between in front of your kids, you want to have you have a problem going on with your spouse, take him behind closed doors, you don't ever discuss those issues in front of the kids. Because often there Subhanallah when you say the statistics and

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the research, the majority of the kids, they are disturbed, they're not able to pay attention in class, they're not able to pay attention in school. They are disturbed generally in life. When asked why they usually highlight the in differences and the key issues happening between their parents, it usually affects them. It may not seem that it affects them, but it certainly does affect them. Children at the end of the day, there's a system there's a reason why Allah subhana wa Tada created this system, that there is the presence of a father and a presence of a mother in the life of that child, when they see that those two people who they look up to are always fighting with each other,

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and they're doing it in front of children. It affects them psychologically and affects them emotionally. Number three,

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very important. Your children have teachers, educators, instructors, whether they're at the school level, whether it's some exclude or not Islamic school, and even here many times at the masjid. Do not ever badmouth your teachers in front of in front of the children. A lot of times parents will say yeah, you know what, your, your teacher is terrible. Your teacher, your teacher does not do such and such. They don't know how to teach in such a such way. And a lot of times what happens is that the child feels the authority that you know what, let me go and say whatever I want. If my parents have no respect for this for this male teacher, or this female teacher, then why should I have any

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respect and that is why it's very important. They don't ever badmouth or say anything about their teachers in front of them. Number four,

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Word that happens often when it comes to conflicts within families. And that is that a lot of times parents when there is a lot of heated arguments, and there's constant conflicts in the family, parents, they try to find a way to talk to their children to pin the children against each other, or to find a way to take the children on their side so that the children, they can pin their children against the other parent. And this is something that's absolutely a no, no, I've seen many cases where sometimes fathers will go to their children, and talk to them about the issues are going on between them and their wife. Why do you need to involve the children that kind of situation, and

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then telling them things Wallahi, you know, such bizarre things that husbands in some cases are telling their children about their relationship with their spouse. And in some cases, the woman is telling their children about her relationship with her spouse, and her husband. And these are things are supposed to be kept as a private matter between a husband and wife. Yet in some cases, people are telling their children about their internal issues. Subhanallah this is, you might think that this is, you know, how is this possible, but what like it is happening today in many of our families, sometimes the parent, one parent will take time to the children, your father is this your

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father is that your father is this your father is that and they'll see so many things, and in between those things, so many different things that are completely inappropriate for the child to be part of. And the vice versa also happens. So that is why it's very important that we don't ever pin Anyone against each other. Also, this is something that happens in may divorce cases, also, the children, they walk away, sometimes they are staying with a mother, predominantly, and they hate the Father. And sometimes it's the opposite. And that is why even when people are getting divorced, I usually tell them that do not bring the children do not make the children to be part of this. When

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you are partying, yes, you are partying because of your indifference is because of your incompatibility issues. But that does not mean that you make the children part of your problem. always teach your children that your father, your biological father is going to be your biological father in this dunya and akhira. And you should never cross

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the line of disrespect. And likewise, when it comes to fathers, if there's a separation between husband and wife, there's a divorce. Even the father needs to teach their own children, that this woman, this, this woman, and this mother of yours, she's your biological mother, though, if I may get married, you will have a stepmother. But she is your biological mother in this dunya and in the akhirah. And you need to show her some respect. So that is why parents need to bring and teach their kids respect for each other. Next one, it is very important Subhanallah this is something that we find very common. And that is that I've talked about this before that usually in a marriage early on

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in a marriage, the father usually has the upper hand. But as as time passes by, usually towards the end, who has the upper hand? The women, okay, they usually have the upper hand in many families. So usually what happens is early on in marriage, the father, the father does not have any respect for his own wife, and for the mother of their of his children. So what they do is that they begin to use abusive language, they say things that could be derogatory, they, they use terms in front of their mother, and to refer to the children of their mother of their children in a very disrespectful way. Likewise, what happens is that later on, the mother will also use derogatory terms against her own

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husband. And what happens is that the children don't have respect for anyone else. So if the mother later on in life, so happens often, that when the father early on when he uses abusive language, derogatory language, that children also they feel like, well, if my father is doing the same thing to my mother, that I have the right to say whatever I want to say. And often they will show disrespect, and the Father is usually quiet. This is absolutely wrong. Likewise, if they if the mother is using derogatory language, and then later on the children, when they grow up, a lot of times they neglect the fathers, and they neglect the needs of the fathers and so forth. Why? Because

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my mom does not have any respect for my father. So this is something that is completely wrong. And by the way, I've had many men who have come and told me also where, you know, their wives are using the right you know, derogatory language, abusive language inside the house towards their husbands. And now they're telling me that my children have no respect for me. So this is something respect is something that we have to really apply in our homes. Next one is

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I understand that we all are human beings. Okay? We're not infallible. We

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have, we have issues, sometimes we have bad habits and so forth. That doesn't mean that if we have a bad habit, that we're doing that in front of the kids, if I, as a parent, I have a bad habit. And it could be anything, I'm not going to go into details. But if we have a bad habit, you keep it away from the children. Yes, children, you're going to be around your children, your children are going to be around you. But that doesn't mean that your kids need to see your bad habits. If there is something that you have a weakness of, or any one of us men or women, we have a weakness of, we make sure that that weakness stays within us, and it's not exposed in front of the children. The next one

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is, this is sort of high law. I remember a few years ago, or many years ago, I was teaching at an Islamic school. And I remember, you know, this is unfortunately, the first time I heard this, it was stuck in my brain. I wish if I could, I can just, you know, wipe it on my hard drive, but I can't. It's just so bizarre at times you hear what goes on in many families. And that is that our Dean has taught us a balance. Yes, there are some extremes, where husband does not show any kind of love or affection to his wife. And then there are some other extremes that Subhanallah I've heard people telling me what goes on in their families and how mother and father they show love and affection

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from the children. What the Prophet saw some has taught us is a balance. Yes, he would kiss his wife Hi Isha. on her forehead. Yes, there are ways that he will show love and affection, that does not cross the boundaries of higher in modesty. And that is why when it comes to a husband and wife, yes, they should show a certain level of affection. There is nothing wrong in showing affection. There's nothing wrong and showing love. But we always keep it at a moderate level, especially especially with when it comes to our kids. It's very important that we teach them higher. And when we do these kinds of things, when they see the parents doing the same exact things, what they see in movies,

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what they see on TV shows and so forth. You're not teaching your kids higher, you're teaching them to be immoral. And that's why especially in this society more than anything else, Wallahi it is so important that we teach, we teach our kids higher, how we dress in front of our kids, how we say in speak in front of our kids is something that is very, very important. Especially, I will say in many families, the way sometimes people they dress, the way they dress I remember I went to one brother's house, I knocked on the door to give something the guy came and he was wearing his he was his own underwear, you know, you're just only underwear. That's all he was walking around his house in his

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underwear. SubhanAllah. And he has, you know, now of course, that time probably he may not have family. But once again, this is just part of HIA even, you know, subhanAllah you know, when you'd sometimes talk to Americans, you know, they will tell you I've met people who say, Oh, yeah, sometimes I walk around my house, and there's no one in my house. By walking around naked. I've heard people say these kinds of things. Our dean has taught us how Yeah, even if there's no one inside your house, you dress in an appropriate way. And especially when it comes to fathers, and you have daughters inside the house, or mothers and you have sons inside the house and the family, make

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sure you dress in an appropriate way. HIA is something very important. Next one is that do not ever, as parents, we should never put our own selves down in front of our own kids. Remember that for us. First of all, as leaders, a mother serves in serves in the role of a of a leader in a certain capacity within the family. The father serves in the role of a leader in a certain capacity within the family. If those people who the children look up to are putting themselves down, they have no confidence in themselves, then how are the children going to go to when they have issues themselves. You want to make sure that your children have confidence in you do not put down yourself in front of

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your children. This is something that's part of leadership, leadership, 101, even Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, no matter what the circumstances were, he never put himself down, because he knew that the Sahaba always depended on him. So that's why part of leadership is you don't ever put yourself down. And lastly, is that this is not something that's common in all families, but it's common, especially when there are separations. And people are getting married for a second time and so forth, that whenever it comes to their biological child, so for example, a mother is divorced, she gets married to a second husband. Now in that case, that husband who says

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now the stepfather to his children, who's is who's serving the position and in the role of a stepfather. He the step parent should never talk about the biological parent of that child or don't bad mouth, I will say do not be negative or badmouth the biological child, the biological parent of that child, you get one turn and say, Do not ever badmouth or say anything negative about the biological parent of that child. Though you may have not you may

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You might not agree with him, though you may have some resentment towards them. But that is why this is not a matter for the children to be involved with. Let the adults handle it. And you always need to teach the child especially any person who is serving in a position of a step parent do not ever pin your step child against their own biological parent. So these are many things these are 10 things that we should not do in front of our children at all costs. I asked Allah subhana wa to give us the Tofig to do the therapy of our children the appropriate way that we find in the Quran and the Sunnah of Rasulullah sallallahu while he was telling them what does that cinematic want to live

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the one before sharing you know

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what unfortunately no one was watching I think one downside Billina one downside being partying was on me now was all in

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one heavy Lina photo gentleman one Hatfield law it was that good enough. I guess

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was the guilt or I don't know hula hoop

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down what Eileen