Nadim Bashir – Khatira – Don’t Become a People Pleaser
AI: Summary ©
The speaker discusses the common problem of pleasurable behavior and the importance of avoiding conflict. They emphasize the importance of setting up one's values and prioritizing one's love for Allah and Prophet. The speaker also emphasizes the need to negotiate and compromise with others to make relationships productive.AI: Transcript ©
Today inshallah I want to talk about something that we often deal with. And this is based on, many people have been coming to me for counseling purposes and so forth, and Subhanallah all the problems I hear in the community there. Of course, there are many issues in the community, and many of them have different foundational problems. But one thing that I have noticed is that over and over again, there's one common problem with majority of their problems. See, there's always a foundational problem, and then you have symptoms, right? A person has a flu, that's the that's the foundation problem. Then after that, you're gonna have coughing, sneezing, and other other issues after that.
So you have a foundational problem and then you have roots of that or symptoms of that. So today, I'm Shall I want to talk about a core problem that many of us we deal with? And what do we learn from the seed all the problems on it and what do we learn from the Quran about it? First of all, is the Hadith. There's a hadith of Rasulullah sallallahu ala he was setting them were in he says, that anyone who does something to please people, while they know deep down inside, they are displeasing Allah subhanho wa taala. Allah subhana wa Taala is displeased with this person. And not only that, but the people that you try to please, Allah will make them displeased with him to. On the other
hand, if a person does something to please Allah subhanho wa taala. And doing that, and in doing that, he begins to displease other people, Allah subhanho wa Taala will be pleased with him. And the people who perhaps were displeased with him initially, there'll be pleased with him. And then not only that, Allah subhanho wa Taala will make his actions and his speech beautiful to the people. Now, the reason why I talk about this is today, that, as I said earlier, that there's a common problem that we have, and that is that you have people who are considered as people pleasers. Basically, you cannot say no to other people, do you have no founding, you have no boundaries in
life? So to Shala? Quickly, I want to take a few minutes of your time to talk about what are the consequences of this? And how do we overcome this, first of all, is that when I've seen often in our community, that when people try to say yes to every single opportunity, and by the way, there are so many opportunities or community, there are so many opportunities of activism in our community, so many opportunities of charity in our community. And there's always volunteers needed at every single organization. And there are some people who feel that I need to say yes to every single opportunity. I need to be every single where every single place to help people out. But you know what happens in
doing that when you keep on saying yes, and yes and yes, that then family, people the family rights are, are the neglected? How many times I've had husbands come to my office, that my wife is not there for me. My wife has no time for me. Why? Because she's always saying yes, no bake, bake, bake. On the other hand, I have wives and women who have come to my office, mothers who have come to my office, that our husbands have absolutely no time for their kids, and they have no time for their family. Why? Because they're always trying to go everywhere and try to respond to every single call. Remember, brothers and sisters Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam taught us a very beautiful example. He
was Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he responded to the call, but never at the expense of his family. Never at the expense of his children. There was a time of day that he would give time to his children. There was a time of day that he gave time to the emissaries, there was a time of day that he gave to the Sahaba or the Allahu anhu, there was a time of day that he gave to his own spirituality, which often takes a hit and doing all this or religious spirituality also takes a hit in all this. And then not only that, but there was a time that he would go and visit all his wives one by one, and take time and talk to them not just go into their house or somebody come and out
know, sit down with them, talk to them, give them their due time. And there was always one house where he was spent the night at this was this what you call a balance in the life of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Today, unfortunately, we don't have that balance. And the very first group of people that suffer because of this is our families. So this is number one, what happens? Number two, the fear of being left out what does that mean? You feel that if I say no one time, then that group will leave me out. They won't call me for any other purpose. I have to be there for my friends every single time. My friends call me, I will have to be there no matter what. And if you
feel that you're going to be left out, perhaps Perhaps you're hanging out with the wrong group of people. Perhaps you're, you're surrounding yourself with the wrong company, because someone who is understanding someone who when you're in a positive company, they understand your dilemma. They understand your challenges, just because one time you say no to that group and to your social group, they will understand that he or she cannot come for a certain reason and they will respect you
for that, but if you keep on saying yes and yes and yes, and you neglect your priorities of life, then will Allah He, they will not have respect for you anymore. Another thing that happens is that we become enslaved to other people's priorities. Let me give you an example. You know, I visit, I've seen families, and I have families who have come to me. They're not happy why they don't get family time. Why do they not give family time? I asked him this question. I asked her, I asked her brother, I said that you have a five day job, you don't work on the weekends? Why do you not have time for your family? And you know what he said? He said that every single Friday night, and every single
Saturday night, I get an invitation to some doubt. And when I have to go, and I asked him, Why do you have to go to the door with Why do you have to go to this invitation? And he said, once again, the fear of being left out. And not only that, but I have to stick with the community, then he then he's trying to explain to me that aren't we supposed to stick with our community? Are we supposed to build up cohesion? And I told him, yes, but not at the expense of your family. But at the same time, what he used to what I told them is that when you start saying yes to every single invitation, you won't be happy either. And he was telling me that every single weekend that comes he has no day to
himself and no day to his family. And that is why it is very important that when we start making ourselves slaves to other people's schedule, remember people's schedules are going to keep on going on. But we cannot enslave ourselves to other people schedule, we have a schedule, we stick to our schedule, we stick to our priorities. The next one is which is very important is that when you become a people pleaser, then you cannot stand up for what is right. See, there are going to be times where you can stand up for people and you can stand for Allah subhanho wa taala. But there will be trust me, there will be times in our life, where you have Allah and His Prophet SAW Selim on
one side, you have Deen your deen on one side, and you have your family on the other side, or you have some other people and you're on the other side, and you're gonna have to make a choice. If you are considered as a people pleaser, then you will always go to the other side. And you will neglect the sight of Allah and His Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And what we learned from the Prophet SAW Salem is you always give preference to Allah and His Prophet said Allahu Allah, he was setting them. Another thing that happens. Another consequence of becoming a peaceful people pleaser is that you lose respect in the eyes of other people. When you say I'm available, I'm available, and you
have no other because Pete, see everyone has a family. Everyone has a job, everyone has priorities of life. But when other people realize that you are not paying attention to those priorities of life, and every single time, there's a call and you are there, that means you are neglecting something. And when you are neglecting other priorities of life, you lose respect in the eyes of other people, you don't gain respect out of this, you gain you lose respect, a lot of times, yes, there are going to be times when people might say something positive. But once again, I truly believe that if you say yes to every single call, there's other things, more important things in
your life that are going to take a hit. Now, what are the solution to all this? Solution? Number one is, we have to set up our priorities. You know, there was a professor one time he was in his class, he held up a jar, he have a jar, and he had right next to the jar, he had a huge rock, big rock. And he had medium sized rocks. And then he had sand, okay, he had sand, or he had pebbles. And so what he did was that he took the pebbles first, and he filled the jar with all the pebbles. Then after that, he tried to put the the small, the medium sized rocks, and then he tried to fit the big rock and the big rock will not fit in why? Because it was already filled with pebbles, and it was already
filled with medium sized rocks. Then he asked the class that how do you fit the rock in and they all said, Well, of course you have to take out the pebbles, then you put the big rock first in, then you put the medium sized rocks in. And then when you put the pebbles that pebbles will fill all the the gaps. So he says this is exactly what your life is, you have the highest priorities of your life, what is the highest priorities for majority of us, it is our family. It is our dean, it is our our job. And there's a lot of other things that are a priority for us, there might be probably four or five priorities, those are your bigger rocks, that is what you have to focus on. This is what we all
have to focus on when it comes to setting up our schedule. Other things such as which are considered as the pebbles which is friends, so social,
our social groups and so forth, and you know, and going out with others and so forth with other families and so forth. Those are considered as the pebbles they are not the priority you have priorities. If you try to fit the other things which are not priorities into your life, you will not have time for the priorities. So this is something very important. And even myself. What I do is that every single time when I sit down before the week starts, I sit
Don't you have to sit down and prioritize your life, prioritize your tasks. And this is how you complete things in life. There are people who sit down and they have they have to do items on their list for one year or two years. A simple to do item why? Because we don't know how to prioritize prioritize things in our life. The next one is Allah subhanho wa Taala is pleasure is always the priority. Remember, if you try to please people around them pleasing Allah subhana wa Taala as they say, in order, now your Hunka Rogen will hunker over, okay? You're neither here you're neither there you will not be liked here. You will not be liked over there. That's why the priority is always
Allah subhanho wa Taala second what benefits us, me myself and I is the priority. My religiosity is the priority. That is what Allah will ask me about. And then family comes and then other people come. Lastly, lastly, there is nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong and saying enough, no. There's nothing wrong with saying no. Let me explain. You know, instead of the caffeine rune. This is something that the college they came up with a plan when they saw that Roswaal Salam was adamant about his Dawa. There's no way he's going to leave giving Dawa about Allah subhanho wa taala. They say, You know what, let's come up with a plan. They went to the Sangha, Allahu Allah, He was someone
they said that let's make a deal here. You worship our gods for a certain period of time, and we'll worship your God for a certain period of time. Let's try to make a deal. Let's try to strike a deal. You know, this is negotiation. Once again, what they want is that the proscenium is okay with their terms and pleases them once again, allow that to happen. What happened at that time? First of all, it was was some said no. Why do you say no? Because at that time, ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala He sent down a surah Gulia y'all care for your own la Budo Mata Abu doon, what are into My hobbies are both at the end of the surah what Allah say lecom Dino como Alia de la con Dino community, this is your
way. This is my way. We're not going to compromise here. Okay, there came a time that probably some had to say no. And he stood his ground by saying no, often when people try to come to please us when when people try to come and you know, they try to compromise our values, they try to talk to us we often give in we compromise our own standards at times, to please other people Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in fact, Allah subhanho wa Taala through sudo caffeine on teaches us a very powerful lesson, that when it time when the time comes, that you have to negotiate and compromise with other people, you will never ever compromise your standards. The standard is believing Allah
subhanho wa Taala you don't compromise that likewise many orlimar say from a from a productive point of view in life. You don't ever compromise your own values of life. So we keep these things in mind in sha Allah I ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to make us more productive in our life may Allah subhanho wa Taala make our relationships more productive. May Allah subhanho wa Taala give grant us more positive personalities um ittle bit aalameen does not come hola Hey, salam alaikum after logging about a cattle
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