Kaleemullah #06 – Marriage and Gender Segregation in Islam

A woman

saw the house

nanny Nina Mussolini Namie

listen I'm on a coma rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh Bismillah AR Haman Hamdulillah he will be right I mean, was Salatu was someone else who to hear Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi Jamar in Ubud. So as usual, what we do is that we always progress throughout the story of Musa Islam, and draw reflections from them. Today, I want to take, I want to stick back and go back to the story that we covered last week, the story about Musala Islam going and seeing two women and so forth. There was some other additional lessons of reflections that I want to talk about 100 Last week, the video that we covered, known, the whole primary topic was gender segregation, what is the proper method of

gender segregation in our deen, and so forth. However, there were, you know, there were some emails that came to me. And there were some requests to elaborate more upon this subject matter, and also elaborate more on the subject of marriage. Because here we find a woman who is sending these signals to her father. You know, she says she wants to get married to him, and how this man he reacted and how he dealt with a situation there are many things that we can learn from the social, we'll quickly go through them. Now, I will say upfront that today inshallah I want to share with you 15 advices. Now, I know that that's, you know, 15 is quite a bit, but each one of them each of these lessons are

reflections. As you see it, there are very, very beneficial for us to understand because once again, this is the beauty of the Quran. This is why Allah subhanaw taala chose these stories to be in the Quran, because there are just tons of recent lessons and reflections that we can extract from the stories. So let's quickly get right into it. One of the very first things that we learned from the story is the fact that this, this woman coming to Masada, Islam, and, you know, she's coming to her father and telling her, telling her father to hire him and so forth. And not only that, but the automa, they mentioned that this was her sending some signals to her father and so forth. So, you

know, the, what we learned from this is, number one is that if you truly have someone in mind, for the subject of Nika, then, you know, if you like someone, and you really want to go forward with it, then there is absolutely nothing wrong to do that. A lot of times people they say that, Oh, if you look at someone and you then intend to get married to them and so forth, and you have feelings and so forth, this is absolutely haram, this is not actually haram. Yes, you know, you know, feelings are such that once again, without going into a lot of details about, you know, feelings and what comes to a heart and so forth. As long as we don't enact upon them, there is you know, Allah

subhanaw That will not hold us accountable for those kinds of things. Because our heart and this vessel that Allah has given us is such that anything come into it at any time you see something, you know, a picture pops into your mind, a picture pops into your heart. And this is why the Quran says that, that when this idea came when to do Murphy and physical outdoor photo, you have several Camila, the Sahaba, they came to the Prophet sallallahu some of them are saying so Allah, how this even possible, there are so many things that come to our heart and then later on Allah subhanaw taala, he clarified, that is not the case, if you have a wrong intention or wrong thought, and this

is also highlighting the Hadith. Also, that if you have a wrong thought, but you do not act upon it, instead of getting a sin, Allah will give you a reward for that. So the very first thing that we see is that if you like someone than most only you should move forward with it. The second thing that we learn from the story is that the liking part should be based on you know, Islamic character, we see that this woman It was not just about the strength of Musashi Islam that really you know, you know, that she liked about Musa Islam. It was also about his character, it was also about his HYAH so this is why both for our young young people of our community when you look for another person for the

purpose of marriage, the very first thing that you have to keep at the at the forefront is the pain. And you know, there's an I've said this before, and I have nothing wrong and there's nothing wrong in saying this, that you know, when the problem says that there are four reasons why you marry a woman why a man marries a woman. They're probably some set forth for give preference to Dean. Now that does not mean that you cannot look at the beauty in fact, you

Subhan Allah, a lot of times divorces usually take place too, because you know that a man is not attracted to his wife anymore. So attraction, there's nothing wrong with attraction. I don't know why people think that there's something wrong with attraction. There's nothing wrong with attraction. And in fact, I always recommend our youth that first of all, put Dean at the forefront. And then attraction shouldn't be there because she's going to be your wife. And the same thing goes with the, with the wife also. So once again, when you're scouting for another person, make sure you keep being at the forefront. This is exactly what this girl did. She kept at the forefront, his

higher modesty, his character, that's what she kept at the forefront. The third thing that we learned from this story is that, and I may have mentioned this last week, is that the fact that when she came forward to her father, the father was able to trust her judgment. Uh, one of the biggest things that today we find amongst parents is that the inability of theirs to have trust in their child's judgment is something that we see very often. And subhanAllah, you know, I don't want to be here and be very biased, either. You know, there are cases there are times when you know, the child, you know, they're making a very big mistake. And, you know, they come forward with a judgment or

they come forward with something and the parents, they say, No, absolutely not. And that's fine. They're saying no, absolutely not, because they see something that the child is not able to see. And sometimes the parents are not able to see something that the child is seeing, and they just shut it down right away. That is not also right. What I would strongly say is this, that if the parents truly see something, that their child is about to make a very wrong mistake, or they're about to make a wrong decision, that in that case, talk to your child about it, tell them that why you are saying no, because when as a parent, when you don't go to your child, and you don't explain that

this is why I'm telling you no, then they feel like that, you know, you're being that the parent is being biased, the parent is, you know, they're just making, you know, you know, an irrational decision, irrational decisions and so forth. And they get really upset about this. And you know, some kids will either rebel, some will just like, accept it, and so forth. So as parents, go to your child, talk to your child, that this is why we are saying no. And number two is, please be respectful about it. Please be respectful. Usually, when the child comes with something, the parents usually just slam it, they're very rude about it, they usually they will say things such as you

know, that you don't have, you're incompetent, you don't know how to make decisions, you don't know how to make choices. Now, if we're going to talk to our child like that, and this is how they're going to build up their mindset. And forever, they're going to have that kind of mindset. Remember that if children are being criticized outside, they can somehow deal with it. But if they're being criticized and degraded by the parents, it becomes very difficult for them to overcome that. So this is why as parents, please remember that if you need to turn down a certain request of your child, talk to your child, let them know about it. Number two is that be be respectful about it. The third

thing that we learned from this story is that the you know, some people they say that will hear that girl, she left the final decision to her father, the father says yes, you can marry then then they will marry if he says no, then they will not marry. Now, a lot of times, you know, this can be misunderstood. Also, to be truly honest, you know, and at times like this, you know, some parents will come forward and say, Well, my child needs to listen to me in all circumstances. And the truth of the matter is that Subhanallah when you go around and you start looking at different situations, and you started listening to other people's stories, where we come across is that a lot of times

parents are saying no to their children, for marriage purposes, for an an Islamic reason mean that that the reason that they're giving has no presidents in Islam like for example, they will say that I you know, it is must that you marry someone from our culture and our ethnicity mean that you cannot get married to a person who is from a different ethnicity or different background. And our deen teaches us that no, you cannot make that a must in a marriage. Yes, as a parent if you want to, if that is your desire, you can tell your child that and you can make that wish and put that request forward, but you cannot enforce that upon a child upon your own child. And you know, some parents

even go further to say that, you know that

that you must get married to someone from within our own family or not family but our own village and where we come from from that particular town. From that and even in the town or

So many different parts and that someone who comes from that part of the town and so forth, once again, brothers and sisters, that is not necessarily part of our deen, you cannot, you cannot make that part of your deen or put that in or enforce that upon your deen. And now in that, but you know, if the father has, if the father now has the agenda, they have a genuine reason why I'm saying not to get married then fine. I think the parent the children should listen. At the same time. A lot of times today, we see that you know, not in all cases are parents giving a reason that is Islamically acceptable. So that's why every is always case by case. But it's not, you know, it's not as if that

in all circumstances, the decision should be just left to the parents. So that's one thing. That's another thing that we learn from the story. The next thing that we learned also from the story is that when this father is presenting his daughters, to Musa Islam, he says he says in neodi, an old key hiker, debonair, Teja, ha time are these two girls, I want to get one of the married to you. And some of them say something or they say in some of this books of things have said mentioned that Musa liaison got married to the younger one. Now it does not matter what when he got married, he got married to one of them. But at the same time, the fact now see, the father could have said, I want

to get married, I want to get the older one married to you, he didn't say that, I want to get one of them married to you, which means that he's absolutely open to the you know, to the younger one getting married before the older one. Now, this is also a lesson and reflection for all of us. And that is that it is not necessarily true that you have to end you have to end you must have the older ones get married before the younger ones. I've seen this also in many families, that they always are waiting for the older one to get married. And that waiting game takes place over and over again. And they're waiting for such a long time. That by time the older one gets married the younger ones now

they have got to an age that no one wants to get married to them. So once again, our deen teaches us that if you find someone with good o'clock and good character, and so forth, and they have been in their life, then go ahead and get your daughters married to them. Though it may be even the younger one. So it's not once again if that is your family practice, you can follow that culture is fine, but you cannot enforce that that and think that this is part of religion, if your child says that no, I want to get married first and Islamically they have a full right to say that like they you cannot say that no you cannot get married it is absolutely forbidden you cannot say that. Because

what what is forbidden and what is lawful is only comes from Allah subhanho wa taala. So this is something that that is very important for many families. The next thing is also which is very important, as I said earlier, you know, religiosity is something very important. But one thing I will also would like to really emphasize on is a clock, before the problem even became a prophet, he had a clock, a clock was at the core. And so this is why we find Subhanallah many cases where kids are very religious, you know, long beards, going to the masjid. Even girls, you know, a job going too much all that kind of stuff, but

they lack mannerisms, they lack a clock. And that's why it's very, very important that we observe the clock of the child, the boy or the girl and see how they interact with other people, you know, how do they interact in different situations? How do they interact around other people, because some people, they they react and they they will act and behave in one way in front one person and one way in front of another person. And so that really throws off, you know, what kind of personality Do you have? Is your personality based on who's around you? Or do you have your own personality. And so that is also very important, because a lot of times, you know, you know, husband wife gets married a

wife, she's thinking that this is how my husband behaves, you know, and later on she realizes that my husband or my wife is behaving a certain way in firm based on a certain based on the circumstances and that becomes very problematic. Later on. The next thing that we learned is that shyness, higher shyness and higher first of all, is not only for the women, a lot of times when we say the word hire, the only thing that comes to our mind is women and dressing. That's the only thing that usually comes to our mind higher applies to both men and women. And it applies in how you interact with others. It does not It's not only about the dress, it's not only about how you dress

up and so forth. It's it that's one aspect of it, but it has to do more with how you interact with others. Some people think that a woman who goes out to more has less higher in a woman who stays at home more has more higher that's there's no there's nothing in our Dina says

Is that so once again, HIA is displayed in how you interact with others. There are women who go out and they interact with the whole world and they have so much bashfulness they have so much a higher in their life. Whereas there are, you know, there are cases to that you have a woman at home, but they have no higher in their life. So high is based on what you see what you see in their interaction of a person. The next thing is that we also see that,

Musa alayhis salam he is talking to so this person says, you work with me for eight years, and Musala is something I want, you know, a little more job security here I want to work for. I know, he says that if you work for 10 years, and you know, then this is this is from you and Musa Hassan. He's talking to him, you know, to him back and forth. And you know, he's he's the one who's talking to him about the Mahara and in exchange for what and so forth. So there is nothing wrong. The lesson in this is that, especially for the men, that to get involved yourself and to talk about this, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Usually we find that the family, the mother and father

are usually talking about this, but there's nothing wrong for the man to get involved and talk about this. The next thing that we learn is that Musashi ism, after he got married, where was he living, he was living with his father in law, usually in our culture that we come from is almost considered as a taboo, that if the if you know, can you just imagine a son going and living with his in laws with a wife's parents in our culture is considered as a big taboo in our culture is considered as absolutely wrong. Mussolini's son is living with his in laws. He's living at the home of his in laws, he's been hired by his in laws, and he's living there absolutely peacefully if there was

something wrong with this system, Allah subhanaw taala would have never mentioned to begin with, but the fact that he's there, he's living at their home, he's being hired by them. For 10 years, there is absolutely nothing wrong. If there's if there's a certain situation where the husband has to go, and he has to live with his in laws, people in the community and people in the society should not say derogatory things about him. And they should not make up stories about him. And they should not say things negative about him. That is his choice. That is what he wants to do. And he has a full right to do what he wants to do. As a husband, if he wants to go and live with his in laws, that's

absolutely fine. Now, winding down and shout out to some of the last things that what we learned from this is now coming to we talked about marriage, what we learned from that story, some of the things about gender segregation, or gender interaction, I will say is few other things I want to quickly mention isn't number one is that in your interaction, you have to be sincere. You have to be absolutely sincere. If you are interacting with the opposite gender and you have a negative intention, or you have a negative, you know, something negative in your heart or something wrong in your heart, then you know, it's going to it's not going to turn well for you. If you have the right

intention in sha Allah, Allah will open a ways for you musalla somehow the right intention, he wants to go interact with them, but he had the right intention in mind. And because of that he was sincere. And this is why Allah subhanaw taala he helped him. So number one is when a boy and girl two non Muslims are interacting with each other there, they should be sincere in the interactions. The next one also is that when it comes to their clothing, when they're when it comes to their dressing, you know, a lot of times people are interacting with each other but their dress is not appropriate. So in our deen our deen has taught us that you dress in a certain way, then we should

we should apply those, those guidelines of dressing for each other. Also, when it comes to, you know, to people normal home talking to each other. It is also better. In our you know, our dean has taught us that we should lower our gaze. We should or gays throughout the entire conversation. So there's nothing wrong. Men and women are talking to each other. The you know, the man is, you know, the woman might be saying something to the man. And the man is, you know, he has his you know, he has he's looking down. And he's listening to the entire conversation. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, that is you know, very, very recommendable to lower the gaze. And that

goes for the men. And that goes also for the women. Now, the next thing is that keeping everything public, I may have mentioned this last week, but all your interaction should be done in public. Even if it's done on the phone, make sure that it's not done at a time of the day where you know, where there's some privacy and so forth. Keeping it Public means that even when you're meeting in person, keep it public. And not only that, but even when you're interacting on the phone, you have to be very careful. I mean, especially our youth and so forth. A lot of times, you know a person two people will get together or they will talk to each other they have clear intentions, but Shikara is

always there with all of us. So even when you're when you're texting on the phone or you're chatting on the phone, make sure that once again your interaction should be sincere

Go back to that. And it should be, you should be sticking to the point, nothing more than the point. The next thing is that when, when two people, you know, when it comes to gender interactions, no touching none whatsoever, touching is not allowed. Our dean has been very explicit about this. So no touching. And the last thing is that I'll share with you today is be respectful of other people's personal space. You know, sometimes, you know, they they want to come very close to the one wants to come, they'll close or the man wants to be very close, you have to be respectful of other people's personal space. So if the, if you know, there are two people who want to talk to each other, and

they choose to be little far apart, then you have to be respectful of other people's personal space, you might be a certain type, but the other person who you're talking to the non Muharram opposite gender that you're talking to, they probably are not okay with you know, you being too close. So you will have to respect other people's personal space and level of comfort because that's exactly what Musa lays down there too. So keeping these things in mind, Inshallah, let's try to apply these things in our life. I ask Allah subhanaw taala to give us ability to act or to act upon what's been said and heard, may Allah subhanaw taala give us the proper understanding of our deen and may Allah

Subhan Allah give us ability to learn more from these beautiful stories of the Quran I'm eurobodalla mean Izaak Malachite Salam alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

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