Family Life #16

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Musleh Khan

Channel: Musleh Khan

Episode Notes

Make Single Parenting Life Easier with 5 Steps.

Episode Transcript

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said Mr. Ajay Kumar, to learn to better care to everyone. Bismillah hamdu Lillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah. So today, it's all about single parents out there, just to make your life a little easier. Let's look at five steps of how we can make single parenting a little bit more easier and a little bit more, I guess you could say you can handle it a little bit better in shot laterna. So here's the first thing number one is understand about a loss puddle. I know that when you first got married, there were all the doors and all the hope that you know, we're going to stay married, we're gonna have lots of children, I want to grow old with you. Remember all of those conversations, even

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before you got married, that you were planning a wedding, everything happened even even on the wedding day, there were so much to do on a love Give you long lasting marriage give you many children, may Allah allow both of you to grow old together, etc, etc, etc. And then till one day, everything starts to go downhill. And problems start to happen, issues start to come up. And before you know it, you do everything you can to resolve it. And it was just a last puzzler that at the end of the day, the marriage was to break. And now you've gone separate ways. And it could be for whatever reason, I'm not going to even touch what the reasons are that could have led to that kind

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of separation. The point is, is that it happened. And here's the thing, here's a couple of points to keep in mind. For all the single parents listening to this. The first thing is, understand that when something is out of your control, that's when we say this is the color of Allah, Allahu Masha of our own. This is the color of a line he has done whatever it is that he wishes to do. And we use that statement that is taught to us by the prophet alayhi salatu salam, particularly for the things that are not in our control. Sorry, guys, we turn on my light, there we go, particularly for the things that are not in our control. So that's the first thing, when you have situations that you can

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control, you can make decisions, you can determine the outcome, so on and so forth. totally separate situation. You don't get to just say a cut, don't have a law. I'm not going to try and a marriage, I'm just going to wake up every day and hope that things just fix itself. And then you can and if it doesn't, then you can just say well, I don't have a law. I've tried to sleep in and just make it work at work its way out. But it didn't. That's a lot. Well, it doesn't work that way. But the thing is, so understanding that a lot of Allah, this is something by Allah will he designed it this way, you were never meant to be with that person forever. To begin with. This is why it happened. For

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reasons beyond your control. That's a tough pill to swallow. But it is something that you have to try to comprehend and come to grips with. It just wasn't meant to be. And this leads us to the second point about this whole issue of divorce. Divorce is one of if not the biggest chapter in phip. Like if you look at fifth how it starts up with bajada, cleanliness, sollers that cat has all of these things. When you get to marriage, when you finish any cat and you come to divorce. Divorce is usually like the thickest amount of pages. Why? Because there are just so many endless amount of scenarios with different outcome and rulings. Until this day, many older men do not like to give a

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fatwa on divorce unless they understand the complete picture unless they hear from both sides unless they understand a little bit of the dynamics of what took place in that marriage and what led to it being a divorce, etc, etc. And with that being said, divorce is a part of our Deen and Allah subhanho wa Taala prescribed divorce simply because there are relationships that will not work out, they simply will not last and why Allah puts you in that situation. And then on top of that, in addition to that, children become involved, you know, you start having kids, but in all this time, you don't know if the marriage is going to continue, and problems and everything starts to fall

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apart and it just complete turmoil. Why did Allah put me through that to begin with? No one really has the answer to that, you know, we can safely assume that some of the things that are an incident or hints do is the test the struggle, the test of you having to go through that. Keep in mind that some tests are like our journey of struggle in this world. In other words, what I mean is that all of us have a particular struggle, that no matter what we do, it's a part of our life. And we have to learn how to accept that. So that could be a separation, where there are children involved, custody battles are happening, the stress and pain of all of that. And it's like something you just have to

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learn to accept and live with. And you try to do it to the best way that you can, it may never go away all the pain that's associated with that experience. But then other there's others from us like we have that same kind of interaction with pain and stress.

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rogol in our own way, it could be at a personal level, it could be at a community level, the point is, it almost feels like at times that each human being has their own customized test that they go through that nobody else can touch, nobody else can help. It is just between them and a lot. So this first point about understanding a less puddle is as simple as when you have no choice and you have no control, the only thing that you can do is trust a lot accepted for what it is. So that's the first thing and that realize and understand, instead of thinking about what you're missing out with your partner, think about more. So what Allah is protecting you from, you don't know what an

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additional month, an additional two, three years, if more kids came into the picture, you don't know what the marriage would have turned out to be, you don't know what it would have been like. And these are even, we're talking about marriages that break very early, you get married for six months, a year, and all of a sudden, everything falls apart. Don't focus and put all of your mind and all of your stress and just on I can't believe this happened. I don't know why this could How could this have happened to me, I put so much time, money and effort, I did everything for him or her. And still Allah allows this marriage to disintegrate. Why? Because you don't know what Allah subhanho wa

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Taala had in store for the two of you what could have potentially happened later on. So don't dwell on the things that you have no control over. And that's the first point when we talk about a less cuddled so at least if you're in that situation, you are a single parent, you have to just understand that this was your destiny, and somehow come to grips with that, I can tell you some of the things that help you do that is by speaking to Allah, unloading your problems to him. Number two, is to also talk to people, people that can offer good advice, good direction, that can give you the kind of advice to uplift you to boost your spirits to inspire you to show you that there's still

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hope in life, you're not the only one that's a single parent in this world, there are millions of people who go through this every single day that it's okay, that you can still have a happy and sustainable life. So that's the first thing. The second thing that I've written down here is to support the children. Now this works on both parties, that husband and wife, their marriage is broken apart. At the end of the day, live for the children, you know, if you have your own issues that still continue to drag on post marriage, that's one thing, if you're in court, if you guys are still bickering or bickering at each other, if you're still sending like crazy emails to one

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another, you're texting every curse word in the book to each other. This is pure hatred. Keep that between the two of you, but cooperate when it comes to supporting the children. And very specifically, keep consistent parenting. This is really important. Why? Because you'll have one side. So it could be mom or dad, who's living separately, whoever's got the children, or if it's split up half and half point is, you have one side of the family of the parents. That's parenting the children a certain way. So for example, one side doesn't really care about praying five times a day, it's not going to tell you know, he or she is not going to tell their daughter to wear the

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hijab. It's all good. So it ends up saying things like, Oh, your mom's not around. You don't have to wear that your dad's not here. You don't have to do that. You see those kinds of messages? and parenting? There is no higher no good in it whatsoever. Because why? How do you tug on one arm and tug on the other arm and still expect progress, especially with kids? Like it's just simply not going to work. So there has to be some level of cooperation between the two of you, at least for the sake of the children, you can hate each other until yomo PM, that's your business. But when it comes to actually teaching these children, some consistent values, not just religiously, but just in life

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in general. That is something that you both have to speak about and have some sense of common ground. And you probably will not be able to do that together alone. It's going to require a third party to be there. Because if one person's like, Oh, I don't want that. I don't I don't agree with that. I don't think that's the way it should be. I wasn't raised that way. At least you have somebody in the middle that can say, Look, islamically here's how things should be done. Culturally or in society, this is what's understood to be done. And this is how it should be. And try to get stuff like that in writing, to get stuff like that in writing. So when it comes to supporting the

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kids and the things that you expect, try to write it down and have that as an official agreement between the two of you. Number three, the third, I guess you could say step towards making single parenting a little easier, is kindness to each other. Allah subhanho wa Taala says that when a divorce happens in Sudan, Bukhara that they will that they separate based on poverty upon billionaires and that they separate based on so let me ask you

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The highest level of Eman is called what called accent. When we practice biblical word, righteousness to parents. What is that righteousness called? What build worldly damy? center? It's still called there, sir. The peak of respect and honor towards parents is called airson. The highest level of E men is called Sn. And sn is literally when you worship Allah azza wa jal as though you see him, even though he doesn't see you, excuse me, even though you don't see him, he still sees you. What does that mean? It means like you live your life as though you're always being watched. So you're careful of what you say, You're always conscious of what you do. Because you always know that

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there is a 24 hour surveillance in the sky, you're always being monitored. You see, when you live like that, with that level of awareness and consciousness, you are able to literally monitor even subconsciously without actually thinking about it directly, you're able to monitor every footstep, every word you say. It's, it's almost as if you've trained your body to be on auto pilot with the remembrance of Allah consciousness and awareness of a law. Anything that you do, you could be opening a drawer and you're thinking about a lot, you could be looking in the fridge, and instead of saying, you know, oh my god, there's nothing to eat. But there's like 75 different items, you see

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now the 75 different items, and you don't see the things that you prefer. So you start developing the sense of gratitude in life, all of these things. I mean, we could talk forever about this stuff. But at the end of the day, when you're constantly thinking about a lot, and you're doing your very best to be kind to one another, then insha, Allah insha, Allah, there is nothing but good that comes out of this. And remember our Prophet alayhi salatu salam told us that the best of you are the ones who are best to their families. He doesn't say, except if there's a divorce, except if you're a single parent, then you can just eat each other alive. No. So even if you're separated and divorce,

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who says that this hadith is only for the married couple, and families living together, that cooperation still has to be there. Why because you share a family, you have children. So even if you're not married kindness, and being good to one another, and Allah says separating based on set is incredibly profound in the poor and that level of righteousness. Allah says, separate based on the highest level of amen and respect to each other. I get it guys. Who does that? Who does that today? 99.9% of divorces end up in pure hate evil. And and even if it ends off peacefully, there's no communication again. You know, that whole idea in Islam, about your parents, your in laws, your

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mother in law, father in law are your parents until your piano, like that doesn't even exist when when divorce happens, we don't even talk to each other, you become enemies, you see each other domestic or somewhere you look at each other, turn the other cheek, walk away, don't pray beside each other. Don't talk, don't look, don't sit. All of that happens, I get it. You know, let's not confuse bad habits that human beings have towards each other with what's religiously expected from one another. Let's keep those two things separately. So when it comes to the religion, the books say A, B, and C, but people do X, Y, and Zed. And that's just the reality. This is why some of the

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arguments say that when you want to practice Islam, that some of the scholars actually said this, like when you want to practice the deen. Don't rely on watching Muslims to how they practice it to teach you the deen. But rely on what the book the poor and assume that teach you to do. And then you'll see the contrast, you're going to just be like, and you're like, wow, are these two different religions. But they're the same source of the same people. So when it comes to bad habits, that's one thing. When it comes with religiously the expectations have already it's a separate thing. So try to be kind to each other, be tolerant to each other. Remember, when kids are involved regardless

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of their age, this is the only like one of the most healthiest things you can do to keep the children like they can continue to prosper and develop good values. Number four, reach out for help. This is especially for those of you living alone with with children or you're simply living alone, husband or wife, you've separated and you're just alone, reach out for help. Mentally, psychologically, emotionally, all the stress and depression and anxiety that comes along with a separation. It's not easy, and the emotional scars that remain with you for the rest of your life. I mean, you only know this when you talk to people who have gone through a divorce and they can tell

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you that they have memories that will be with them until their death. And they have scars that can never heal. And they will say to you things like only Allah knew what that relationship was like. Nobody

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could understand what I was coping with what I was living with. That's really that's a given, we definitely can see and understand that. But it should not prevent you from reaching out, and getting the help that you need, reach out to organizations get professional help even get some counseling. You know, one of the things that they teach in counseling is about listening, that 95% of counsel is just sitting there and listening to the person unload. And it's a really healthy way to alleviate and relieve yourself of all of that emotional scars and, and, and the depression and the stress of what you've experienced by simply unloading and talking to somebody talking to somebody who can

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offer some direction, some good advice. And that's what you need to do. So if you find yourself that you can't come to grips with the idea that you've been separated so long, and now you're a single parent, you've got four or five kids, the husband or the wife, you don't know where they are, or they've gone and started their own life. talk to somebody reach out and get some help and some advice. I think that you'll surprise yourself just how effective and how much of a boost that will give to your morale, that how much that would inspire to be strong and all of a sudden now you'll shift that focus from just being down depressed and sulk about it for ages to you actually become

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empowered. By that experience, you become stronger and you're like a lot put me through that. But this is what I wanted. I want to now be an advocate for single parents out there. I want to be an advocate for awful marriages and be there to encourage people that if you're in an abusive situation, that this is what you can do, you can get out you can have a better let you can recover. Which leads me to the last and final point brothers and sisters which is have faith Just have faith or mania to work Allah Allah Allah for hospital while your resume in Hazel, a woman you tapped me later I love Maharaja Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us in suta talaq, which is interesting, because

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the sooner that is called the sort of divorce, Allah gives us a three step guide of how to get out of a marriage properly, righteously with their sin. And one of the things that he mentions is just have faith, whoever has teleco, whoever trusts me relies on me. And he does this, especially when a divorce is happening.

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But

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that's enough, like you don't need anything else. Don't worry about the court, the court date. Don't worry about the custody battle, like work through it. But once you have to luckily me, I'll take care of you. And brothers and sisters, let me tell you,

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I have counseled hundreds and hundreds of marriages over the years. And this here of having trust in Allah is sufficient, especially when there are problems. I wish that that could be the only sentence I tell a couple when they're having problems. You need to just trust a lot and work through this, send them article, and just let them go. Like that's how guaranteed the direction that you're needed so that you can, you know, resolve your issues. Like that's the greatest and most effective tool is just trust him. He was the one that brought you two together, which either being a qumola Denton Waterman, he put love, exceptional love and mercy between the two of you, and you came together and

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got married. He's also the one that decreed that you separate but then he told you to have top level law that he will provide for you because why? What's the one thing that single parents are worried about the most at once marriages dissolve that they're living on? What's the one thing that they're worried about the most later is a woman handful a dozen. They're worried about how are they going to survive? You know, she's been married for 20 or 30 years. She's like 50 years old, or 40 years old. Like where she going to work? How does she going to go to school? She hasn't had to work for the last 30 years. So to start all over again. It's one of the biggest worries for single parents out

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there. What is a, let's say? And so we thought up one of the three things to guide us through divorce. What is a woman Hi, today, I will provide for them in a way that they cannot imagine or fathom. Like does it get you sad? Like they don't have a clue how it happened? They don't will they will never for a split second understand how in the world that this happened? How did my life actually turn around from being in the gutters? And now I'm able to survive? I'm surviving I'm doing just fine.

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And then finally brothers and sisters when we say have faith. What's the one thing that when a divorce happens, people lose, they lose toccoa that's where all the emails start going back and forth cursing out each other third party starts to interview

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In laws get involved and it turns into one big mess. Tuck was the first thing that's lost in a divorce. And what I'm saying to you is a law saying what a tequila to a level Maharajah will ever support me in high school as it were me until a killer the love of war High School, three things. The first thing Allah said is whoever has taqwa of Allah, I will give you a way out. I'll get I'll resolve this whole mess for you. But you need to have Taqwa. It's the thing that is being grinded and put the test through the testing of the most in a divorce is your taqwa. Once you can keep that under control, everything starts to fall into place. And it's the first thing that people lose a

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love of mazarin. So with that being said, for the single parents that are listening to this, I hope and I pray that with these five steps, it will make life a lot just a little Tad easier for you. But I'm really serious when I say to you, like if you need help, reach out for help reach out for professionals reach out to people who are qualified, reach out to people who can just simply offer good advice. But never lose hope. Never lose hope there was divorce, even at the time of the Prophet, companions, divorced people were divorcing people were single parents, but they still survived. And they got through Why? Because they never lost faith. They held on to faith. Faith is

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the one and most powerful tool in, in the history of mankind. Just in mankind's existence, there is nothing more powerful than faith, it is the most, it is the only undestructible tool that mankind has access to just having faith. It's the one thing that nothing destroys it, you can have a war, you're gonna be in the midst of a battle, when you have faith, you still win.

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Regardless, you still you're still able to look at things in a positive way. You're able to look at your situation in a positive way. You're able to accept it for what it is, you're able to move forward, you're able to trust it, no matter how hard you work, the outcome is with Allah, you're able to develop that relationship and connect with him with all of your problems. You do all of these things. Why? Because you responded to whoever trust a lot. That's sufficient for them. It's a hard thing to do in divorce. That's why the reward is so profound. Allah says it's enough. Just do that one thing I know, you're done, I'll take care of you. Now unless panelists are either blessed

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reward, protect all of the single parents out there, make your life a little bit easier. I don't know what it's like to be a single parent. But I've sat with dozens and dozens and dozens more than I can count of single parents in my lifetime. counsel, listen to their stories. And each of them have their own layer of pain that's attributed to the to unique to their situation. And so I sincerely pray that may Allah subhanho wa Taala give you the strength that you continue to move forward to feel inspired and uplifted. May Allah subhanho wa Taala strengthen the resilience and within you in the patience to continue to move forward. May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless you with

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the best life that is pleasing to Allah before it's pleasing to you. And if that means that you get married again, one day May Allah bless you with the best of spouses. If that means that you remain as a single parent, my oldest will give you the strength to be the best single parent that you can be. And if you become a bachelor once again, may Allah subhanaw taala bless you with a righteous spell. So you deserve that and you should never stop. So if you have no kids, but you're simply divorced. You should never stop pursuing a marriage. have children, continue to strive and aim and reach out for that ultimate goal of finding you know, a righteous spouse a good spouse that you can

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settle down with keep doing that. Sometimes you have to go through a marriage to find the right marriage. So in sha Allah May Allah bless you with the second level later guys, less than Knights are here. So enjoy those last 10 nights step up your game however you can do your best and shuttle Avatar and metal last pentatonic step from us a lot. Take care guys, Santa Monica walking to leg workout.