Tips to Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

share this pageShare Page
Muiz Bukhary

Channel: Muiz Bukhary

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:01--> 00:00:12

Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah here. brachetto smilla rahmanir rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala nabina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

00:00:14--> 00:00:34

We begin by praising Allah subhanho wa Taala. Make, create, sustain and nourish, protect. And we ask him to send his choices to blessings and salutations upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa alayhi wa sallam, his family members, his companions and all those who tread upon his path with utmost sincerity until the day of

00:00:36--> 00:00:45

my dear brothers and sisters. today for this video, I would like to talk about emotional intelligence.

00:00:46--> 00:00:51

So to start things off, when you think of this

00:00:52--> 00:00:59

leader, this good leader, this leader, who is

00:01:00--> 00:01:03

this paragon of virtue, but comes to mind,

00:01:04--> 00:01:15

you might picture someone who does not let his temper get out of control. You might picture someone who doesn't let his emotions control him,

00:01:16--> 00:01:29

no matter what the problems he is facing, or you might think of someone who listens, someone who is easy to talk to, and someone who makes careful, informed and calculated decisions.

00:01:32--> 00:01:52

Emotional intelligence or AI is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions and those of the people around you. So people with a high degree of emotional intelligence, they know what they're feeling. They know what their emotions mean, and how these emotions can affect people around them. Other people.

00:01:54--> 00:02:11

There are different definitions of emotional intelligence, I have my notes in front of me. Generally, when you talk about emotional intelligence, it encompasses three traits, three characteristics, number one being the ability to be aware

00:02:12--> 00:02:29

and regulate one's emotions. That's number one. Number two, the ability to navigate relationships with others. And number three, to be to inculcate empathy to be empathic.

00:02:30--> 00:02:35

Now, if none of these traits describe you,

00:02:36--> 00:03:08

I have good news for you. You can learn you can develop you can learn to be more emotionally intelligent. Now there are experts. There are researchers and writers who have gone on to describe emotional intelligence as a flexible set of skills that can be acquired and improved with with discipline and practice. And that's what we're going to try and discuss in this video in sha Allah Allah so before I get into perhaps a few tips and

00:03:09--> 00:03:24

the How to in terms of inculcating or in terms of developing one's emotional intelligence. Let's look at this in the construct of the prophetic intelligence prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

00:03:26--> 00:03:41

You see, when you think of the Prophet, peace be upon him, when you read about him, salallahu alayhi wa alayhi wa sallam, he was an individual, every word of his, every action of his was wrapped with kindness and tenderness.

00:03:42--> 00:04:32

And he underwent so many situations, many trying ones, many difficult ones, and he sallallahu alayhi wa sallam conducted himself beautifully. He carried himself beautifully. situations that required firmness, he demonstrated that as well. I mean, what I'm trying to say here is he did not let people take his kindness for granted. He did not let them use him as a stepping rug. So wherever firmness was required, he demonstrated it, but he demonstrated it with tact, with diplomacy, with wisdom, he sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he was not an individual who would let his anger control him there was not a an in an individual who would let his emotions take him for a ride. Rather, he was an

00:04:32--> 00:04:40

individual who was able to regulate his emotions. He was a he was, you know, a person, you could describe him

00:04:42--> 00:05:00

as being a person full of empathy. He had so much of empathy in him, but he would put himself in the shoes of others. You see many instances of empathy being demonstrated in the life of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. So he was a of a person with the highest

00:05:00--> 00:05:07

level of feelings and emotions, yet he regulated them. And he carried himself so beautifully. I'm sure.

00:05:09--> 00:05:15

You recall, you'd have read or heard about the incident of life. What happened?

00:05:16--> 00:05:24

The profits that are long while you were selling them, he goes, he invites the people of life towards his message. And what was their

00:05:26--> 00:05:32

reaction? And we're going to be talking about reactions versus responses, but was their reaction.

00:05:33--> 00:05:35

they reacted harshly.

00:05:36--> 00:06:09

So much to the extent that they treated him extremely badly. They had the street urchins run after him throwing stones at him Salah long while he really was selling his injuries, left him covered in blood. And he said a lot while he when he was lm he makes it outside the city. And he's alleles lm now he, he collapses to get some rest. And at this juncture, too weak to move sallallahu alayhi wasallam What does he do?

00:06:11--> 00:06:16

He turns himself to his Lord, he tends himself to Allah subhanho wa Taala.

00:06:17--> 00:06:29

And in books like will be dire when the high of Mr. Medina Kathy Rahim, Allah and others there is this door that is mentioned that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam made at this at this crucial juncture.

00:06:30--> 00:06:35

Now I want you to put yourself in his shoes.

00:06:37--> 00:06:49

They're very difficult to fill his shoes, sal Allahu Allahu alayhi wa sallam, but for you to understand or try to understand for you to try to understand what he was going through. You need to you need to picture yourself there.

00:06:50--> 00:07:11

You've gone to invite them towards success. And instead of responding with yes or no, they reacted very harshly. They went on to hurt him sallallahu alayhi wasallam. But he did not let his emotions control him. He did not let his rage.

00:07:12--> 00:08:12

Take control of him. He did not let his anger drown him. Look at the words of the Doha. He turns to Allah subhanho wa Taala and he says, Oh Allah will lead to you do I complain about what I complain about the people and what we do? We grumble right we complain when someone treats us badly when someone insults us we react. We react immediately immediately. We don't even think verbally we got abused them we got to call them curse casts where we do all these things. So panela but look at the dawn of the prophet or Allah only to you do I complain Allahumma alayka ash coo Bertha Kuwaiti, I complain about my lack of strength. I complain about my lack of strength, I complain about my

00:08:12--> 00:08:23

insufficient insufficient strategies. I complain about my lowliness in the sight of the people and he goes on to

00:08:24--> 00:08:52

look within himself Subhana Allah at at at a juncture like this. He looks within himself at his at himself. Basically he looks within himself. He He does not look at the people. He does not want to do all of that. He does not blame the people. He does not blame the circumstances. He does not blame the situation. He does not blame Allah subhanho wa Taala

00:08:54--> 00:09:06

I mean, you and I What do we do we blame circumstances we blame life. We blame our situation we blame the people around us the people above us the people below beneath us. This is what we do.

00:09:07--> 00:09:27

And we never reflect we never tend to look within ourselves but he said allow it where you SLM and that you're not at a moment of quiet contemplation. You know Yeah, when we go sit by the ocean when everything is calm. Yeah, then we feel like you know what, I need to introspect. I need to kind of look within myself but at a crucial juncture like this. He's hurt.

00:09:28--> 00:09:58

Okay, he's hurt. And and this is after this, this this harsh reaction of the people. He at this crucial junction looks within himself. And he blames himself. So I'll allow I leave it with a look at look at the high caliber of emotional intelligence My dear brothers and sisters and this is what I want to I want to touch on every action of his every word of his was wrapped with so much of intelligence with so much of wisdom and we

00:10:00--> 00:10:04

Damn it brothers and sisters in Islam, it doesn't take much to ruffle our feathers.

00:10:05--> 00:10:06

It doesn't take much at all.

00:10:08--> 00:10:16

Our feathers are ruffled up. And we go on to make mountains out of molehills, brew thunderstorms and teacups.

00:10:17--> 00:10:25

Blow things out of proportion. We don't act prudently. We don't act intelligently. We don't carry ourselves with wisdom.

00:10:27--> 00:10:37

Then what are we learning from this great role model Mohammed sallallahu alayhi wa sallam? We don't even Subhan Allah today, we don't even pause to think how

00:10:39--> 00:10:45

do I react? Because like I was saying earlier, most of us today we react we don't respond.

00:10:46--> 00:10:56

Because to respond, you need to pause. You need to think most of us today don't listen, or we listen, waiting to react.

00:10:59--> 00:11:18

So we need to we need to conduct ourselves intelligently. My dear brothers and sisters, there's a big difference between reacting and responding. And ask yourself, are you managing your emotions? Or are your emotions managing you? Are you controlling your emotions? Or are your emotions controlling you?

00:11:19--> 00:11:39

Have you regulated your emotions? Have you sat down and thought about your emotions? At crucial junctures Have you have you paused Have you taken a step back to regulate your emotions, to label your emotions and to identify as to whether you know your reaction or your response is coming from the right place.

00:11:41--> 00:11:44

These are important things that we need to do my dear brothers and sisters.

00:11:45--> 00:11:51

managing our emotions is key is key when it comes to emotional intelligence.

00:11:53--> 00:12:10

Now, I want to run you through a few quick steps in terms of managing our emotions. Number one, first things first, embrace your emotions, embrace your emotions, see, being emotional, allows us to connect with people.

00:12:11--> 00:12:32

It helps us to connect with ourselves, with the people around us in in meaningful ways and this is a very important component of emotional intelligence. And when you become emotionally aware, you you are able to study yourself, identify your yourself now, today, experts, they talk about

00:12:33--> 00:12:40

personality types, and you have this highly sensitive personality type. And these individuals,

00:12:42--> 00:13:22

you know, they they, they are highly sensitive, and at times they can feel overwhelmed with their emotions, but this is not entirely a negative thing. Because highly sensitive people are empathic by nature. So it's not only their own emotions that they feel at a very high level they feel the emotions is almost like a sponge, like a sponge. They feel the emotions of the people that they're interacting with. And if they regulate their emotions, the right way, they can harness these emotions, they can harness these emotions and they will start to make conscious choices conscious

00:13:24--> 00:13:58

decisions, the minute you become self aware, when you become self aware, you know how you feel, you know, how your emotions are, you know, how your actions can, you know having an effect on the people around you the ramifications, the repercussions of your statements of your of your actions, look at the wordings of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam but as you say, in one particular Hadith, the narration goes along the lines of these words, Muslim woman Solomon as well as anybody who is a Muslim, the one who the people are safe

00:14:00--> 00:14:16

with regards to harm from his tongue and his limbs Subhan Allah This is a Muslim. A Muslim is an individual who makes conscious decisions not to hurt people not to have any living being for that matter. not to have any living being by your tongue or by your limbs.

00:14:20--> 00:14:51

You know, you don't even entertain negative thoughts about others. Yeah, you Hello Dina. I'm an attorney buka here Amina zon in about the funny Islam while at the Justice when I asked about combat, you have you know the ayah goes on detailing how a Muslim needs to conduct himself in Hosni Islam and monitor coup melayani. Look at the words of the messenger salallahu alayhi wasallam. It is from the perfection the beauty of the Islam of an individual that he leaves that which does not concern him. Today we are living in this

00:14:52--> 00:14:59

landscape of voyeurism nosiness gossip, look at look at the media around you look at everything around you.

00:15:00--> 00:15:20

It's all about gossips. panela. And we take so much of pleasure in indulging in gossip in scandals in gossip in in talking bad about others in lying about others without hesitating, Subhan Allah, but the principles of the deen do not allow us to entertain this toxicity.

00:15:22--> 00:15:43

So it's important to become self aware of your actions of your statements of your thoughts of your emotions. So when you become self aware, like I was saying earlier, you know how you feel, you know how your emotions and your actions can have an effect on the people around you.

00:15:46--> 00:16:13

And being self aware. Also, equates also means having a clear picture of your strengths and weaknesses. It also helps you behave with humility. You don't give into arrogance, arrogance is a trait of the devil, may Allah protect us all. So how do you improve your self awareness? How do you embrace your emotions? One step, or one tip put forth by experts is to keep a journal.

00:16:14--> 00:16:22

And, you know, you could go old school where you have a diary or a journal where you actually pin down your thoughts.

00:16:23--> 00:17:03

And it doesn't have to be at every turn of the day. It can be towards the end of the day. And even if it's not going to be a daily thing, you can maybe make it a weekly thing, where you journal, your thoughts, your emotions, your feelings. And today we live in this digital era, right? So you have you have so many apps that can help you with this. Or it can just even be the basic note take you don't need to have a fancy app to Yes, there are fancy apps in the app store and the Play Store. But you know, you could just go with the default note taking app on your mobile phone to journal your thoughts, to regulate to label your emotions, to kind of write down what you are feeling and that

00:17:03--> 00:17:03

you see

00:17:04--> 00:17:08

the advantage of talking to someone, when you talk to someone.

00:17:09--> 00:17:18

What happens? You know, there are these thoughts, there are these thoughts that run around in our heads.

00:17:19--> 00:17:23

You know, the inner voice, there's a lot of self talk, right self chatter.

00:17:24--> 00:17:33

The minute you actually talk to someone and start articulating your thoughts, you know, it gives you so much more perspective, so much more clarity,

00:17:34--> 00:17:44

when there could be a thought that has been running around in your head for the past couple of months. But the minute you actually pin it down, or articulate articulated,

00:17:45--> 00:17:58

you begin to realize how powerful authority it is or how absorbed and dismissible a thought it is. So it's important to you know, process these, these these thoughts.

00:18:00--> 00:18:13

Another tip that experts put forth is to slow down to take a step back. You know, when you experience anger, when you experience all these strong emotions, slow down.

00:18:16--> 00:18:21

You know, let's say you've got this tutorial video.

00:18:23--> 00:18:29

And it's growing at a normal frame rate, not in slow motion.

00:18:30--> 00:18:50

Okay, and it's Let's face it, it's a technical thing that involves a few steps. Now for you to be able to examine it carefully. Wouldn't you prefer the video to be played in slow motion? Because once it's played in slow motion, you're slowing things down. You can see now step by step.

00:18:51--> 00:19:00

The other day, I was watching a video of someone demonstrating how you should run properly if you're into running, jogging,

00:19:01--> 00:19:25

you know, cardio, let's say. And so the video was played initially at a normal pace. And you know, you couldn't really figure out what's going what's what's wrong in the video. But what the instructor was trying to highlight is that you know, when when running and jogging or you know cardio on a treadmill, the impact should not be on on your heels, as in on the

00:19:27--> 00:19:59

heels of your feet, but rather it should be towards the midsection or the front part of your feet. Now to demonstrate this, what he did was he videoed himself running and then went on to slow down the video where you can actually and he pinpoints in the fact that you know that he shows what is wrong, the wrong demonstration and the right demonstration and the video was slowed down, you can actually examine, oh, this is exactly where the impact is. And this is what is wrong and it has an impact on the joints and whatnot. And this is actually how you're supposed to be running. So my point being when you slow down, you are able to examine

00:20:00--> 00:20:03

Why Where is this coming from? what triggered it?

00:20:04--> 00:20:25

And in regards to the response, is it coming from the right place? Or am I just being reactive. So the minute you slow down, you can examine all of this and you can choose now how to respond. Because you've slowed down, you slow down, you're, you're in this moment of pause, where you're thinking.

00:20:27--> 00:20:30

So, this is a very important step towards managing our

00:20:32--> 00:20:32

emotions.

00:20:34--> 00:21:18

So this brings us to self regulation, right? So I was talking about regulating our emotions A while ago. So when you improve your ability to self regulate, you basically are in control. self regulation is all about staying in control. You practice being calm, you hold yourself accountable, you are responsible for your you take responsibility for your actions for your statements. It's not like you know, you're not like, you know, a blistering tornado, you know, like a cyclone. You see people who give into their anger without a, a moment of pause, they just destroy themselves and everything in their paths. So when you when you control yourself, and when you regulate your

00:21:18--> 00:21:28

emotions and take a moment of pause, you are able to respond in a very responsible way. Tip number two now, change your language.

00:21:29--> 00:22:18

There was this article that I was reading along the lines of emotional intelligence and in that, quote, was captured under this particular tip where you change your language, a man's character, may be learned from the adjectives immense, a man's traits and character can be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. This was a quote by Mark Twain if I'm not mistaken. So now one way is to change the language you use in terms of describing yourself and the situations in which you find yourself. Now, if you go on to if your language is blaming the situation, if your language is is negative, where your language is not holding yourself accountable,

00:22:19--> 00:22:27

but instead playing a blame game, or trying to wage war with Allah subhanho wa Taala then this is exactly what you are

00:22:28--> 00:23:07

going to be attracting towards yourself. Now. For example, if you are a person who constantly keeps using the language, that you know life is so messed up, life is so messed up life is so messed up. Right? Then this is basically what you are attracting towards yourself. And this is what you are setting yourself up for. May Allah protect us all. On the other hand, if you look at the Prophet peace be upon him, Sal, Allahu alayhi wa sallam, he was an optimist. He was an optimist, an individual with an extremely positive attitude, a positive nature. He said a long while he when he was seven, he was not an individual who believed in omens, he was not an individual who believed in

00:23:07--> 00:23:53

superstitions, and he lived during a time when the people around him were very much engrossed in all of these things, to the extent that they had such staunch superstitious beliefs that, you know, when setting out on a journey, if a bird were to fly a certain direction, they would not set out on the journey, they would, you know, basically derive a bad omen from it, almost like, you know, how some people do today. You know, a black cat means this and walking under a ladder means this and, you know, Friday, the 13th and the 13th, and so many other superstitious beliefs, so many out there somehow, Google it, it is, you know, baffled at the number of superstitious beliefs that you're not

00:23:53--> 00:23:55

supposed to open up an umbrella in those.

00:23:56--> 00:24:44

And, and there's so many more, you know, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was not a superstitious individual, he did not believe in omens, he was not a pessimistic person, but rather an optimistic individual. And he displayed that optimistic attitude, so much the extent that he radiated of positive vibes, the people around him to what impacted in such a beautiful way by his positive vibes, I mean, people would come into contact with him sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And they were empowered. If you're going to be a gloomy negative person, that's the way that you are going to, you know, put out and not only are you pushing yourself into this dark abyss, you're going to be

00:24:44--> 00:24:46

pushing the people around you

00:24:47--> 00:24:59

into this as well. I mean, people who come into contact with you, so let's try to develop the right type of language, in terms of, you know, the self talk, the self chatter, and even when we talk to others, you know,

00:25:00--> 00:25:18

Yes, of course, you can have a realistic attitude. And that's the balance. But there is a difference between being positive and realistic versus having this constant cynical, negative, pessimistic tone, may Allah subhana wa Taala help us to become more positive individuals.

00:25:19--> 00:25:23

Tip number three, change your behavior. So

00:25:24--> 00:25:52

number two was change your language, we're talking about verbal stuff. And now here with regards to your actions with regards to your body language, with regards to your facial expressions. Now, here too, it's important to become self aware, some of us are not aware, we don't even realize that we react negatively with our bodies, we react negatively with our facial expressions, because See, the thing is a facial expression.

00:25:53--> 00:26:06

It comes and goes. So unless you have a mirror in front of you, it's going to take a lot of discipline to become aware of that. Have you noticed some of us, for the slightest thing.

00:26:07--> 00:26:56

When someone says something, we quickly, even though perhaps, let's say our verbal reaction takes time, the facial expression quickly comes about, you see, it takes a lot of mastery, a lot of discipline, to be able to read, regulate your emotions to an extent where you do not react immediately verbally know, through your behavior through your body language, you know, some of us we tend to fidget, we change the way seated, our postures, or our eyes go, you know, all kinds of directions, and there's facial expressions that involuntarily come into play that give away our emotions, you know, this person who has a strong sense of self regulation and has gained mastery

00:26:56--> 00:27:46

over his emotions, you won't be able to read that individual, as in, you see, have you noticed there are certain very well disciplined individuals, even when bad news is conveyed to them? They are composed that that's the right word. They are composed, they don't lose their composure. But those of us who have not mastered the art of regulating and controlling our emotions, you know, it shows it just washes down, and it's not an entirely bad thing. But here we are, we're talking about upping our emotional intelligence as as humans, of course, you know, I mean, and it varies from individual to individual, it depends on how tragic and how bad the news may be. But for people who are,

00:27:47--> 00:27:53

you know, high up there with the emotional intelligence, and by the way, this should not be misinterpreted as them being cold.

00:27:54--> 00:28:03

Or, you know, like, like, cold a steel. No, no, no, no, no, no. You see, look at, again, the example of the profit, and this is why I keep benchmarking all of this for the profits that along.

00:28:05--> 00:28:47

He said along the way, it was said on what happened when his child passed away, there were tears flowing down the face of the profits Alliance and the companions, they looked at the profit and they were surprised, they asked, they are sort of La tears, you know, like, almost like you are crying here. Rasulullah. And the Prophet goes on to educate and explain that this is out of mercy, you see, so the prophets and allow it well, he was an MC being a highly emotional individual. Okay. He regulated his emotion and he didn't let the emotions with regards to the fact that he has lost his child take hold of him to the extent where he goes into this abyss of doom and gloom. And it's

00:28:47--> 00:29:24

almost like everything has caved down on him, where he starts and and this is why there are further instructions with regards to how we're supposed to grieve, and mourn may you're not supposed to, you know, pluck away at your hair. You're not supposed to, you know, pluck your claws. You're not supposed to be beating your chest. You're not supposed to be uttering blasphemous things against Allah subhanho wa Taala. But crying, that will means it doesn't mean that you know, oh, now that I'm developing my emotional intelligence, that means that not even one teardrop can fall from my eyes. No, no, not at all.

00:29:25--> 00:29:43

You should cry if you feel like crying, cry and let it out. It's good for you. But regulate it, balance it with talking about balance balance is key. And he said a long while ago when he said it was the most balanced individual in every matter. salallahu alayhi wasallam. So these were

00:29:44--> 00:29:59

a few tips that I thought would be beneficial to be shared in this particular video, and I look forward to inshallah, talking further on this topic and gleaning more lessons from the life of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam. I hope you

00:30:00--> 00:30:18

Find this video of benefit and if you if you have come so far, and if you found the video of benefit then do share it around with others others can benefit and so that we can all work towards higher levels of Ei emotional intelligence. I look forward to talking to you all in another video soon inshallah

00:30:19--> 00:30:21

Salaam Alaikum walakum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakato