» Earn on-going rewards and help us do more! «

The Etiquette of Disagreement – Episode 07

share this pageShare Page
Muhammad West

Channel: Muhammad West

Series:

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:00--> 00:00:42

Allahumma shaytani r rajim Bismillah R Rahman Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa salatu salam ala Sayidina Muhammad wa ala in our beloved brothers Islam Islam, Allah, Mohammed Lai obrigado. Accept the hijab all those who perform the pilgrimage of Allah grant him to return safely to us, amin, Al Hamdulillah, Part Seven of the series, the etiquette of disagreement. How should we fight? And how should we argue? We said that dealing with people, and in fact, sometimes those relationships become strained, natural part of life. No matter how much we try, we will always have conflict, whether it be with our, with our parents, with our children, with our siblings, with our

00:00:42--> 00:01:24

spouses, with our co workers with each other in the community, it's part of life. The problem that we see is that not that we should try not to fight, but how we go and resolve these conflicts, conflicts are just we said it's going to happen, we can't avoid them. And we spoke last week, about the last two weeks about marital discord, why people how marriages, what brings managers to an end, we see the scary statistic that globally, around 50% of all marriages fail, meaning half of every person that gets made out of every marriage doesn't work out. That's scary. Why? Why Has that happened. And we were speaking about the reasons why marriages fail, we see that, for example, we

00:01:24--> 00:01:59

spoke about a number of reasons. And just to quickly recap, some of them. We say amongst the main reasons why marriages fail is that we said, this is from experience from the study that we have from the AMA, that I'm in contact with, from my own experience, sometimes we get married, we're not ready to get married, we're not mature enough to get married, we're not getting married for the right reason. And just my advice to that there are some young people today it was a public holiday, before you want to get married, there are certain things you must be able to do, you must be able to be sound and secure and able on your own. And Allah mentions this in the Quran, that a the orphan only

00:01:59--> 00:02:34

should receive the money when they are mature enough to get married. So there's a level of maturity that one needs to attain before you get married. And if you're not mature, you still very much dependent on your parents getting married they after, and depending on someone else becomes very difficult, very difficult. So our younger people get married for the right reasons. Don't get married to escape. If you have problems in your life, and you think marriage is gonna fix it. We find this many times in many communities. I hate my situation so much. So I'm just going to get married, Prince Charming is going to come and he's going to take me away from all my problems. This

00:02:34--> 00:02:49

is a recipe for disaster. Never ever get married to escape life. We said that in our community, in particular, any marriage with the some form of abuse or addiction, the marriage cannot move forward until you solve that problem.

00:02:51--> 00:03:31

People ask and we'll talk about infidelity as well. People ask Can we go forward? Even if this drug addiction if there's been physical abuse? can we fix a marriage like this issue? Can we believe in the idea that everyone is able to change, everyone can be reformed? We believe in this. But before you can move forward in your marriage, that needs professional help, you can't an Imam cannot fix your drug addiction cannot fix your anger issue that leads to abuse. If you can't, if you have a problem like that, and you serious about being married, then you need to go see a therapist. Now, many of us you'd be surprised how often this happens, that the people that appear on the outside

00:03:31--> 00:04:10

very normal and safe and sane. When things get really tough at home. Immediately it results in physical abuse. If you get to that level, then there's an anger issue. You need to fix that. We spoke about infidelity. And actually I got a few questions about about this last week we spoke about that scary that. A study that was done last year. Let's see one third in all people admitted that they've cheated. You know, they've committed infidelity. They've, you know, had a sexual partner outside of marriage. Most often it's a man, but it's growing, but it's women as well. Why do people do this? Why do people sleep with with other partners outside of the marriage? That's the question.

00:04:10--> 00:04:46

Firstly, let me say there is no justification, right? There's no justification from a Sharia perspective. Even if your husband has a million partners outside of marriage does not give you the right to do the same is of course he doesn't absolve him, but because from a Sharia perspective, it is haram your relationship with Allah now is the problem. So there's never ever a good reason and excuse, but many times the reasons why people have come and people who have set in my personal capacity when they explain to me you know why they've committed and the fee they know it's haraam. They answer is always the something lacking in the marriage. There's something broken inside the

00:04:46--> 00:05:00

marriage. There is a symptom in the marriage. Sometimes the victim of the marriage is the one who commits the affair, right sometimes. So usually we talk about only the victim of the cheating, but sometimes the victim the one who's receiving the abuse, which

00:05:00--> 00:05:40

Receiving the problems. They're the ones that seek outside. So marriages, you need to discuss these things. And you need to be very open and frank that if your marriage is not seen to the needs that you want, your partner is not fulfilling, whether it's a physical desire and emotional need, before you look for it outside, you need to fix it on the inside or separate, then you go through the divorce talak. And we say that, it's never been easier to have an affair, like it is now very, very easy. You can on your phone, be access to anyone on earth and do anything about law protect us And forgive us that this is this is so simple, so easy. Facebook, as we said, you can click and look and

00:05:40--> 00:06:20

go back in time and see all those old flames are I still not married. So you know, still looks good, still single. And just one Hello, alike, can begin something very, very dangerous. Most of the time, we said the most common of fi happens with coworkers. So be very careful with the people you work with. Be very key for the people. I mean, in this part might be honest, my own personal experience. For the past month and a half now, I've been having breakfast, lunch and supper with my co workers. I've been more at work than at home because I'm working such extended periods of time. And because we spend so much time at work today, it requires for us to build in that barrier. What is what is

00:06:20--> 00:06:58

appropriate and inappropriate from a Sharia perspective. So some questions that came through, someone asked, you know, is it permissible? I mean, if a person says I look, I've committed a fee, I've cheated. And I would like to remain married. I haven't told my spouse but I want to stop. I want to stop. Should I tell him? Should I tell her? I don't know the gender if it's a man or woman? Should I tell my spouse, but I've made the knee I want to stop and I want to be a better partner. Is there a way for forward for me? Yes, Alhamdulillah we sit Allah forgives all sins. In fact, Allah mentions in the Quran, even those who kill and murder and commit Zina. But then they reformed

00:06:58--> 00:07:04

themselves. And Allah will give them a double reward level, forgive them. So Allah will forgive you. As for your relationship with your partner,

00:07:06--> 00:07:45

you are not obliged to tell your partner about this thing. You don't have to expose yourself, you don't have to expose yourself. But the reality is, if you are truly sincere, that you will stop this thing. And you can commit to being faithful, they move forward on that. You have to check Are you Do you have any diseases panela that's the reality. And if you are having any relationship with somebody, you cannot have that person in your life anymore. Oh, if it's a co worker, you have to leave that job Impossible. Impossible to stay in that job and seeing this person day in and day out, you had this relationship, I think it's going to continue in the corner, you have to be serious and

00:07:45--> 00:08:09

leave that job altogether. So a marriage can survive it possible. But the offending person must seriously make that near to change might be, you know, might need professional help and need to look at the reasons why many times it took four tests, because my spouse did this. I did that. That's not how we work in the Sharia. We said this destroys not only relationship with each other, but the relationship with Allah.

00:08:10--> 00:08:47

Another question that came through, you know, and this is an unenlightened side. So we see our marriages, we build it up for not for till death do us part. So we can be partners in general, that's where we go. But in, in general, we will still be married. But one contract that will still be intact, is your marriage contract in general, or other contracts will come to an end. Right. And a sister sent me this message. And I smiled. I told her your question makes me smile. She says, you know, I've been married. And my husband provides the basics as as valina inasmuch as me and he does evil. But honestly, I don't really love him. We don't really love each other. Now, you know, we just

00:08:47--> 00:09:21

continue on like this. We're not getting divorced. But I was looking forward to the fact basically when I get to gender or be rid of him, right? I basically, do I still have to be with him in general. I say to the sister, you know, your question makes me smile. And it's a nice smile, you know, in some way. It's beautiful. Because there are people that says, you know, we're not we don't have the greatest relationship, but we still sticking out together, you know, and we still persevere for the sake of the dean for other greatest things. We're not Romeo and Juliet and in fact, it didn't turn out so well for Romeo and Juliet as well. So it doesn't know relationship can continue

00:09:21--> 00:09:59

in that way as well. This respect this mutual care and concern well hamdulillah but I said to the sister, you know when you get to Jenna, Alyssa Hadeeth Asus they will they will not be any single people in general. Everybody will have a partner will have a spouse and you will have the spouse that you want. Allah subhanaw taala is only going to give you what you want. So whether it is your husband, whether it's someone else, whether it's your wife, someone else, don't ask the how. Just get to Jenna. When you get there, you will find everything that you want. And yes, insha Allah, we hope that it will still be our spouses, the dunya but of course nothing like this. We will be the

00:09:59--> 00:10:00

best versions of ourself.

00:10:00--> 00:10:34

selves, our wives will be the best versions of themselves. We will not want to be with anyone else besides them as, as we know in many narrations we have how beautiful the hudl aner. But when you see your dunia wife, she is more beautiful in all those horrible things, you know, so there is no Allah subhana wa that will make our hearts like that, that we wouldn't want to spend eternity with anybody else. Besides this person Subhanallah we we stuck it out together in the dunya. You know, we were through the hardship of the dunya. Now, obviously, together, we're going to enjoy the fruits of that hardship, we're going to enjoy the Acura together.

00:10:35--> 00:10:54

We continue and we sit in spite of all these issues, the number one reason why marriages fail. We know this, as well, Amma, we can tell you this, we've, you know, because we get counseling sessions. We know this from divorce lawyers. We know this from other religions and other cultures. The number one reason is people unable to communicate inability to communicate

00:10:55--> 00:11:31

their people that have huge differences, but they carry on together lovely people that come from different religions get married. And in Islam, we know it's permissible, a Muslim man and Christian woman can get married. They have such big huge differences, but they can be loving and happy in their marriage, because they have a way of bridging the gap. And you find people who are like first cousins, they are almost the same, everything identical. Yet they can't get along at all. They get divorced after one or two months. Why the inability to communicate? So we said we argue a lot. And the problem is not arguing. It's how we should argue How do we fix and our arguments? How do we

00:11:31--> 00:12:00

resolve a conflict? So what are we arguing about last week, we see the number one reason people argue about in the marriages. And I'm sure I don't want to say put up your hands. But I'm sure if I ask whoever's here is married, we have we've argued about money, I'm sure all of us will raise our hands. Money is the number one reason why couples argue. And it's the one in every single counseling session, someone came here, whether it is a number of issues, money was one of them. Money was one of them.

00:12:02--> 00:12:26

Money is going to affect every aspect of your life. Every decision you make most of the things you have, you are joined together now as a couple, what you do, you need to be on the same page. Life is difficult as it is things are expensive. Buying a home now is something that together, both partners needs to get involved. And we say just on the backdrop, that when we are financially restricted, we are constrained we indicate

00:12:27--> 00:13:01

outside of marriage, you become a miserable, nasty person. You see people after December, after the holiday period, and they have these dates and stuff. January is this is the longest month of the year, right? Like January seems like it's forever and even even how many years in January, how many months is in January is the same. Because people once we are indebted, we are you know we in a miserable space. Now when a couple and we today, we are living in a society with never enough we always want to get a bigger house, we always want to go to a better school for our kids a better suburb, and we're always competing and in this race, when you're in debt, it takes pressure and

00:13:01--> 00:13:32

strain on the marriage. Because you want to go further financially, you sign up for a job, which is going to require more stress and strain on you ways that strain gonna go You can't take it out on your boss. So you take it out on your wife or the husband, because the wife is trying to earn a better salary so that she can contribute so you can imply a bigger house in a more expensive area. She can't be a wife anymore. She's at the career she's doing stuff at the job let's say a woman can work but naturally financial stream number one reason what people argue about number one reason

00:13:33--> 00:14:00

so from a Sharia perspective, I get this question a lot what are my rights as a husband are my rights as a wife in terms of finances? Now I see this a bedrock agreement is a bottom line contract Annika contract that speaks husband you need to do this wife you need to do that, as when these are your this is your Huck white This is your Huck. Now, if you have come really to the level where you all you know about my Huck in terms of marriage is not a marriage anymore. Now you have a transaction.

00:14:01--> 00:14:41

You have a business partner, you don't have a life partner. And we get technical like this when our marriages are in in shaky water. And when we get to that level, we start talking like a divorced couple. Well, this furniture is mine, that furniture is us. This is my time with the kids, that's your time with the kids. So when you get to that kind of level of discussion, these usually other problems before you get to that but just in terms of the Sharia contract, what is required. So Allah subhanho wa Taala says, upon the father is the mother's provision, and they clothing according to what is acceptable. And Allah says, live the rich person spin according to his means and it the man

00:14:41--> 00:14:59

who is poor, as restricted resources, let him spin according to what Allah has given him. Allah does not burden a person beyond his means. So the minute you say cobuild to Nicaragua, the the default place in the Sharia is you need to provide for this lady, her basics

00:15:00--> 00:15:37

Meaning a basic clothing, a basic shelter, a basic food what she's accustomed to. So if you took her from a certain area, she's used to living a certain standard, you know, maybe she'll survive on 5000 Rand a month for the month. That's how you need to maintain that. That's the default. What what is what what you're able to do so, and if you can't provide that NASA thought for her and the kids, then you are deficient in terms of you relationship as as your duty as well, she has full rights to take you to the allameh. and say, This man is not providing me with the maintenance that is required. She can take, she can actually take she can actually take them in Africa without your

00:15:37--> 00:16:14

permission. There's a hadith where the Prophet says to the ladies that you can take, take what is sufficient for you and your children on a reasonable basis. Hindu, the wife of Abu sufian, she comes up she tells the prophets of Salaam, my husband, Abu sufian is a very stingy man, or the Allahu, that is a very stingy man doesn't give me what I need. Can I take his money without his permission? prophesied? Yes. But what is reasonable? So the lady is entitled to take from her husband's wealth for her and what's reasonable for her and her kids. And if that is not being provided, she can take the husband to the emergency and say, I want this marriage canceled because my heart is not being

00:16:15--> 00:16:39

being seen to. So the minute you have in terms of the nikka contract is not the plan it's been this now you can get into a a facade as we call it as a with a marriage is annulled by the Obama. So this is the default. What if she's a millionaire? And I'm just, you know, I'm a laborer stole the responsibilities on the man as the default contract in terms of the Sharia.

00:16:40--> 00:17:14

Most of us Alhamdulillah and as I'm talking to us as men now, we don't look and we don't aim just for the basics. We don't aim to give our wives and kids the basics. We want to give them the best we can give them and there's a great reward in that. So when you spend your paycheck on your family, the prophets of Salaam says a dinar spent in jihad, a dinar spent if he said he had a dinar spent in feeding a poor person dinar spent on one's family. The best of them is the dinar spent on one's family that is the most unbreakable

00:17:15--> 00:17:58

sadhaka the one that has the most Baraka is the money you spend on halau things for your family, that's the best charity you can give. So don't think that by spending above what is required in any way, that's charity that's sadaqa that brings you closer to Allah that brings you closer to Allah, and the prophet who says it is enough of a major sin that a man neglects those who is responsible to feed major sin for a man to do to fail in that regard. So there's a default that you must do in terms of the contracts. Allah encourages, as mean to go beyond and give more, there is a default for the ladies you can take versus your luck. But we asked the ladies as well. You can if you can

00:17:58--> 00:18:39

contribute, that's your sidecar. And if you can take less, that's even better. This is Allah says, Have this understanding. And therefore one can before the nikka contract you before the nikka, the day of nica, you can actually have an agreement between the two of you in terms of how money should be divided. And I find that many couples when they get married, they never never talk about money. They never ever discuss how money is going to be distributed. The profit zones is the condition which is most deserving to be fulfilled are those by which intimacy becomes possible meaning if you have an agreement with your wife, your future wife, when we get married, this is the agreement. This

00:18:39--> 00:19:19

is the most strictest contract you can have with a person. The contract which you must fulfill the most is the one you do at unica. So you should have this discussion beforehand. Do you want to work? Don't you want to work? If you are going to work for the sisters? For example, if you are going to work? Yes, from terms of Sharia, that's your money. You I can't do anything with your salary. That's yours and yours alone. But what do we want as a family? I can only afford so much be open about your debts, many of us intermarriage with reality, even if you're not going to see my advice now, even if you're not going to share the financial burden of one is going to take on the responsibility. Be

00:19:19--> 00:19:55

open in terms of play open chords, look, this is what I earn. This is what I'm spending on. So you know, this always I mean, in my for my experience with Pete one partner is very quiet about the financial affairs. The other one doesn't know what's happening. The other one says Look, she knows all my bank accounts. He knows all my bank accounts, but I never see how much he earns each month. These this mistrust that develops between the two of them. I'm not saying you all have to have one shade joint bank account. I'm not saying you can't have separate financial goals, but be open. They should be no secrets between partners. They should be no secrets between between couples. And this

00:19:55--> 00:20:00

is one of the major reasons that people start arguing and fighting about so if

00:20:00--> 00:20:14

Both parties for example, this leads us maybe to one of our other Wait, what about domestic issues? Who needs to take care of the domestic chose many wives who have come as a chef? Is there any hypothesis? I must cook the food, I must wash the dishes.

00:20:15--> 00:20:54

Well, I suppose it is anybody that I must do it. So who must do it? If you are not mature enough to to resolve who will wash the dishes, then maybe as a couple, you're not mature enough to get married? This is a small thing that you must sort out how are you going to see to your kids future? Those are big decisions that you need to reconcile each other. The Sherry is is when it comes to money when it comes to domestic chores. Why shouldn't it be my roof and live with him? In terms of in terms of what is equitable? What is fee? So if mom is working, and she's coming home, and she she works till five, and she comes home, and she watches the kids, and she helps with the homework, and

00:20:54--> 00:21:32

she makes the potter food and she puts them to bed? Last Mrs. While I'm working as well, then surely there's something wrong here. The Division of duties are unfair, you must have a division of duties. And also similarly sisters, if your husband is breaking his back at work, and we says no, I don't want the 1950s husband when he comes home. He's got his newspaper and cup of tea. He doesn't look at the kids. You know, that's ladies work our modern husband where they change nappies, and they do everything. Well, if the husband is taking on more of the domestic chores, surely you must understand that it's a massive burden on him as well. And this is what is fee This is what is fee,

00:21:32--> 00:22:11

Sharia does not tell you who should do what Sharia tells you be the best husband you can be be the best wife You can be in love with each other in what is fee and what is fee and therefore these big discussions of life expectations. Where do I want to be in five years time? 10 years time? Do I want to pursue my career? When do I want to start a family? What are important what things are important religiously, culturally, you find people don't discuss this before marriage. Before marriage is all about roses and chocolates and you know, lovey dovey MSU emojis. That's all that happens. But these are the discussions anyone has a couple of young people hamdulillah today, if any of you are

00:22:11--> 00:22:54

planning to get married, you can need to get married. have these discussions. Oscar? What is your ambitions in terms of a career? What How do you see our money should be divided? What's your view with regards to finances? Very important brothers and sisters finances. One of the one of the reasons why Riba is so Haram is because it destroys us a person will destroy your marriage. The Baraka in our marriages are gone, because we believe if I earn if I take this loan, and I get a bigger house to bring happiness, no one's gonna take away that happiness. This alone will eat at UNH relationships. Because that money is hard on that house is hard on avoid these things that are

00:22:54--> 00:23:25

Haram. Avoid haram transactions, avoid entering into her money, Miss find it will be less in terms of the numbers in the bank, but it'll be more Baraka in your marriage. A lot of it will bring to happiness in your marriage, you'll find people that are very little or very happy people that have a lot miserable, why the Baraka is the difference in that so like everything here, there is no correct way of managing money is no way the Sharia says you must do so long as the husband is fulfilling his rights in terms of not nataka

00:23:27--> 00:24:04

the risks the details up to you if you should go on holiday or not. That's your choice. You don't have to ask the Imam Should I enter in this business transaction while it was held on into Don't interrupt that's between you and your wife to decide? Many times the couple comes here and the mom is like the referee. You must tell us what is right. She says we must travel the world. He says no. We need to save shift. What is that? What is the Sharia say? Sharia says you need to make the decision on your own so long as it's halal when it's permissible, but you need to icon make that decision for you. With kids. For example, they will say chef, what does this say about kids? Sharia

00:24:04--> 00:24:41

says very basic stuff. raised them to love Allah incarnate, command them to make Salah, wake them up for fudger this is what the Sharia says what school they must go to what things they should have, so long as it's good that I leave to you. As parents you need to resolve that on your own. You cannot bring the Imam to referee every single confrontation. So with money life expectations, domestic chores, have an agreement in place beforehand, before your marriage of what you believe is fee equitable. Discuss set goals. Some advice?

00:24:42--> 00:25:00

As I said, the Sharia does not stipulate a right way or wrong way the details is left to you. Don't be technical. Don't ever use the Sharia to be unfair. How many people come to me and say, Chef, just tell her the Sharia says there's no there's no obligation for me to visit her.

00:25:00--> 00:25:25

father or mother? Is there a DCF that says I'ma go visit her mother. Oh, that she that now that I'm in charge she must leave with my permission. Yes, you can bring Hades like that. But you are using the Huck to enforce something which is Barfield as a nanny say to the cottage, you use a true Word to enforce something which is haram which is evil. You're using the truth to justify how long you've been technical now, and this is playing with the Sharia

00:25:27--> 00:25:43

is playing with the Sharia never be way if you want to throw the Sharia court, this is my Hopkinton, Sharia, just remember that Sharia court will be thrown at you, because none of us are loving the Sharia as we should. None of us are fully saying we're doing our job in terms of the Sharia.

00:25:44--> 00:26:05

So have an understanding upfront, be open about frustrations, don't wait until it explodes. And then you come to the Imam if you feel but you know what, I'm working so much. And I still have to do domestic chores. It's unfair. There's too much on my plate. Speak if you can't speak to each other. That's one of the big problems why ultimately it ends up in a divorce because we can't speak with each other.

00:26:06--> 00:26:48

And like always try to appreciate Okay, what are you doing during the day? What are you spending your money on? What are you your expectations and your goals? Try to genuinely understand your partner and go beyond as you said, the spirit of Islam is to look at my heart. Yes, I don't demand your luck, if you can, and go beyond your responsibilities. So do the basics. And more always strive to do that. In every relationship. Try to give more to your mom than what the Sharia says you must give. give more to your employees to your boss, to your wife, your husband to your kids. Sharia says this is the minimum. But you don't only want to get the minimum 50% you should aim for 100% more

00:26:48--> 00:27:26

than that. That's how our relationships goes. The next thing is we fight about if it's not money, domestic chores, parenting life expectations in Lowe's, in Lowe's. And this is amazing one right this is one that the richest the rich and the poor argue about so the rich and poor sometimes don't argue with money. People that have maids and butlers they don't argue about domestic issues, other stuff, but everyone argues about inlaws. Whether you are Malay, Indian, Arab, black, white, Muslim, non Muslim, in laws always ends up in an issue. Even I checked Islam QA my place of is a good place to search fatawa Islam QA, so this question came up. And the Imam says this is an age old problem

00:27:26--> 00:27:36

meaning we might as well tell you this is goes back beyond from the beginning of time since there was a mother in law duty, no one knows there has been this relationship. So what advice is there?

00:27:37--> 00:28:19

As I said, nearly every marriage has some strain with regards to in laws, most of the time. It's between wife and the husband's mother. This relationship is the most strained before marriage. Maybe the girl's father and the groom to be the some, you know, some some cheese puffing and this isn't good as a father we should do that. We should put our future son in laws under some pressure because we don't hand over the this is the one in law which you should have you know put some strain on it because you're handing over your your rights as a family of this girl to a new person is he is he suitable. But most of us are humble I think we get along as males we get along well with our

00:28:19--> 00:28:48

enclosures. That if you can't get along with your mother in law as a husband is a big problem. Usually usually your mom in law or on your wife's side will find father in law we had our things afterwards. We can easily we can easily go and jam out with our father no no problem you know we can we can share a room and hamdulillah Daddy Knows what hamdulillah my father in law Rahim Allah is possible and Allah granted my place in general. I mean, when it comes from daughter in law, mother in law, always issue

00:28:49--> 00:29:29

Why is this the case? mother in law always feels duty knows not good enough for my son. Daughter in law always feels she's interfering. She's judging me. She's putting pressure on me. She's constantly interfering in my business. I mean, you always get this card. Is it my obligation as a wife to go get his mother to go see to his mother? No, nothing in the Sharia that says that. Sharia says husband, you have a duty to your mom, for your whole life. You need to respect and give her the best make her happy. And wife Your duty is to make your husband happy. So you need to make your husband happy. He needs to make his mom happy if you are making him miserable through your treatment of his

00:29:29--> 00:29:32

mom, and that's a problem on USA wife.

00:29:34--> 00:29:38

Don't stop so some advices that will I might give to the wife.

00:29:40--> 00:30:00

There is a limit a son to wives if you feel the sisters listen to this lecture afterwards. If you feel your husband is not standing up for you. He's not reprimanding a mother who is being unfaithful. Remember as kids, I said this before there's a limit we can't exceed with our parents. Even if our parents are wrong. We can't go to

00:30:00--> 00:30:39

To chest with him, we always have to be small. So even if you're if your mother in law might be unfair and wrong, understand your husband, it's her son cannot shelter cannot raise his voice to her ever. No matter how long she is an ally, you would respect him less if you saw him, raising his voice to his mom, and a man who shouts at his mother, Sunil shout at you. If he doesn't give his mum, the due respect, he's not going to give you that respect, or your mom that respect, admire him, that he can take that stain you to a fighting, he's the referee, and most of the time, he's the one getting all the punches, you know, he's getting it from you. And he's getting it from his mom. So

00:30:39--> 00:30:43

admire him that he's able is trying to maintain this very difficult relationship.

00:30:45--> 00:31:04

You would not want him to put make, put a barrier between you and your family make you choose. Either you respect your dad or respect me. You have to choose between your family or me, no woman would want that. And you love the man, that gives you the leeway to be close and makes an effort with your family. So make an effort with his family as well.

00:31:05--> 00:31:44

But you might feel how bad this woman is in your eyes. She's this and that. Remember, this is the product of that woman. This is the fruit of that tree. Everything you love of this man came from this woman. Everything of good in him was taught to him by that woman. So at the very least, if you can't respect her, respected, this is her son, she raised this person and you are enjoying the fruits of that labor. And remember, they will come where you are number one, in your son's eyes, you were the only queen. And now some girl younger, more beautiful will come in and take him basically from you. And you have to share that thought with someone else. Remember, your time will come as

00:31:44--> 00:32:25

well. Remember how you feel today, 20 years time, you will be a mother in law. Always, always, as we said, the more your job is to please your husband. always tell yourself if I make him happy. It makes a lot happy. And if I make him happy, and I go that extra mile, no matter how bad she treats me, I go that XML for him will lie he will give it back to you with interest. There's always this permissible interest to give in terms of love. You can give interest in terms of love No problem. Right? So he will give you that extra he will know when he will acknowledge I see you making that effort. Yeah, mommy's a bit difficult now, and parents become difficult as they get older. They get

00:32:25--> 00:32:33

to become more naggy and the phone new and wanting to do things that are unreasonable. They become like kids, they become like children. This is how

00:32:35--> 00:33:13

they look after us when we are young, then we need to look after them when they become older. So if you help him and share that burden with him, will lie he will respect and love you more. As for our mothers, as we said, it's very difficult thing. When you give your son over to another woman very difficult. We find it you know, I think we live in a society. Very strong women were very, very strong women. I remember once I was working at a company and there was this Buddha girl that was with us. And she says you know, Muhammad, I always thought you Muslim women are oppressed. Now finance flow was with old with Muslim Auntie's not phoning with the money creditors, suppliers. This

00:33:13--> 00:33:53

is my yellow flow means that I'm quiet. They not they not submissive at all, they strict and I said yes. Most of our households are run by our mothers, the mom is in charge. And therefore it's easy. When a new son in law gets married, we take them in, it's fine, he becomes a son. But now when that boy gets married, sort of like he crosses over to another woman, she's now in charge. And for a woman, it's very difficult to compete with this kind of love. It's very difficult. So for our mothers, always remember, you will never ever be replaced, can't be replaced. Your son could have multiple wives. inshallah, that's not the case. But he could divorce he could marry other women. But

00:33:53--> 00:34:24

you will always be his mother. No matter what happens, how long maybe he moved out of the house, you don't see him anymore. He comes and visit you as much. You will always be his mum, Allah has made you number one generalized under your feet. That's why Allah has put it and also understand the more you push against her, that daughter in low, you're pushing him away, she will be miserable. She doesn't want to visit you. So every opportunity to avoid you should avoid you. And he will actually also think, and the kids will also avoid you. Whereas if you're welcoming to her,

00:34:25--> 00:34:59

you will find that you will see your son more often. Whereas if you take in a minimum a loser, but I treat her like I treat my daughter, don't treat her like your daughter. Now I have a sister and I know my mom will be able to knock on my sister's door and say listen, Fatima wake up eight o'clock on Wednesday, another pot of food. You can buy something at the shop for me and my sister will do that. But you can't do that for your daughter. You can't do that with your daughter in law. Treat your daughter in law, like the way you want your daughter to be treated by her mother in law. You would I wouldn't. My mom wouldn't want my sister to be like a maid in the house. She can treat my

00:34:59--> 00:35:00

sister like

00:35:00--> 00:35:39

I made in our house because that's the mom. But you wouldn't want a mother in law to do that. So treat your daughter, even better than your own daughter. She said this thing. And that's why we have this cultural thing in Cape Town. We put this Fox skin on the girl when she gets married, booster her Why? And it sticker is usually the ladies of the family, why? To show symbolic of protection and symbolic that we've welcomed into our family now that we have welcomed as a guest, and it's the sisters. You know, it's not the men that's doing this because we want the sister the mothers to welcome so our mothers understand Allah has made it a requirement to protect her and K for her to

00:35:39--> 00:36:16

see to his gender lies with her as well. And he's Janna, so don't make it more difficult on him to be a good husband. If you see him standing up for his wife, in cell Hamdulillah, I raised a good son, you find too many mania that harm the wives abused the wives, if you've raised a son who stands up for his wife, that's not, it's not a competition that you losing with her rather than you as a mother that raised a man. Right? So Allah made it fall on him to be a good son, and a good man and a good husband. So don't make him choose for that. So to our mothers and daughters don't compete with each other. Because now when you compete with one another, the husband, your son is the one that's

00:36:16--> 00:36:32

gonna lose. Always try to mean this relationship because you will be together. The more you are in court, the more you are happy with each other, the more you will see your son, your grandkids, your you know, you will see each other more and you'll find more love from that husband.

00:36:33--> 00:37:12

There's another point of intimacy, which we'll talk about next week. One of the big reasons why people get divorced is must talk about this sexual fulfillment. This is a big reason why people get divorced. One of the reasons why people go outside of marriage. We'll talk about that next week. Insha Allah, just a few announcements, so insha Allah either Monday, so either in Makkah on Monday on Sunday, would be the first of the hedger or in Cape Town. It's so we could have an issue. We in Morocco, it's the first on Sunday. And in South Africa in Cape Town based on the lunar calculation, the lunar observation, the first of the Asia is on Monday, we might have a discrepancy, nonetheless.

00:37:13--> 00:37:53

Nonetheless, don't start arguing now already we can we can suit that we'll discuss that another time. Nonetheless, the professor Sam tells us the 10 greatest days of the year to make ibadah are the first 10 days of the first 10 days of the hedger are holier than the 10 days that last 10 days of Ramadan although the nights of Ramadan are holy, Professor Sam says no act of ibadah gets more reward than doing it in the first 10 days of the ledger. So how does it even Jihad prophecies is even Jihad unless the man goes to Jihad with his wealth and his life and he becomes a shy he doesn't come back then easily award is better. But even just making Vicar charity and fasting in the first

00:37:53--> 00:38:33

10 days of the hedger, greater reward than even Jihad Howdy. So don't miss out the opportunity to do some extra good deeds space, the problem is too fast all 10 or all nine days of the first nine days of the danger, if you can fast fast, at the very least you need to fast the day of alpha, which is not Monday now. The Monday afterwards inshallah we expected that they will move. You need all of us need to fast that day, two years of forgiveness, two years of forgiveness. And of course, the best charity to give in this time is to put a band to sacrifice to slaughter our quota man program. We said it's 2360. For those who would like to be part of the good band program, you can speak to

00:38:33--> 00:38:33

Buddha Tally.

00:38:34--> 00:39:13

Then some other announcements here. We will be heartbroken under dissertation at Massey Chaffee on Sunday, Sunday now, seven o'clock the morning, seven in the morning, then tomorrow afternoon, tomorrow afternoon five, five to six five from five o'clock to six o'clock the Minister of Culture Minister nothing Tito will be at the blue cup museum and it's part of discussing making the blue cup a heritage site. So for those of us who live in the area, please attend. Please welcome the minister and if the minister inshallah especially we make the other team decreases as each site will preserve the great culture and heritage the Islamic culture we have here as we preserve forever. I mean, so

00:39:13--> 00:39:40

the minister will be here, please, please be yourselves inshallah. And the last quit last thing we our what Islam women around the messenger has been going out and hamdulillah good response anyone would like to receive on port three this Monday. If you'd like to receive understanding who the wives of the problem are women issues. Please join me send a message to oh eight four, triple 230 8084 triple 238 you can join us in Charlotte zakka. Hey listen, I want to come up with the library catalog.