I am losing my child
Channel: Muhammad West
File Size: 8.35MB
How to rely on a shaytani R rajim Bismillah R Rahman Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu was Salam, Ala Moana shinian Satana Muhammad Anwar Ali he was a big mine. I mean our brothers and sisters said Mr. Alikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Alhamdulillah Alameen always forever we begin with the praise the thanks of Allah Insha Allah, Allah and Allah, we have a witness and testify that there is none worthy of worship besides Allah subhanaw taala Listen, I love greetings salutations to beloved me Muhammad sallallahu alayhi salam to His pious, his pure family, his companions and all those who follow his sunnah until the end of time. May Allah subhanaw taala please us to be on the Sunnah of Nabi Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, and to be in his companionship in genital favoritos meanwhile, hamdulillah Allah Subhan Allah says in the Quran, and he paints the scene while learning Akali Why didn't you finish the coma? But I daleney An
Raja Rakata holla to Quran when Kabaddi will Houma yester Yes, yes, the HA yesterday 30. Allah Hawaii like, I mean, in word Allah, Allah paints a picture between parents and children, a parent to parents and the child where they have been arguing and they have been at loggerheads with one another for so long. Where the child says off enough for the two of you. I've had enough can't hear this anymore. Will you keep warning me about the same stories over and over and over as I keep hearing this nonsense again and again. And the parents yesterday than yesterday, thank you means is the author is when you make the offer and when you're dying of thirst, they are so desperate the
parents are such a such a point of breaking. They are making such a desperate dua to Allah Allah, I don't know where to go with this child. I don't know what to do any more I am it's easier for me to die than to be in this situation. And they are asking Allah begging for his guidance. And they say to the child where you like where you like him, he's like, Damn you, you know sometimes become so frustrated with our kids, we actually curse them. And they say way like I'm in Damn you believe in Allah. believe in Allah. Listen to what I'm saying. In the word Allah Huck. This is what I'm telling you is the truth Allah's promises through.
Surely, Allah's promises through, but the deniers insists that there is nothing but then the child says how they are wanting this story is not only that the dean that you're telling me is fables. But the stories that you're telling me this lectures is nonsense. I'm tired of hearing this. Allah says Allah, Allah, Allah he will call a person who's on this trajectory. Who has heard the parents to such an extent, and is so far away from the guidance. Allah says hochkar Allah he will call that it is justified for them to be punished by Allah. Allah said, now it is legitimate for me to punish them. The Omen carbohydrate, as I had done in the past may accompany him in a genuine interest not
only for the people, even the jinn, in Nam, Kandahar City, and they are on the path of being a loser, a path of destruction, this lecture and the scene, I make sure that none of you are in that moment where you've been at such great loggerheads with your child where you don't know where to go. You don't know what to ask to make anymore. You don't know which psychologist to call anymore. Every conversation with your child ends up in a argument where you curse them and they curse you. And you basically can't be in the same room together Melis. pantalla Pratik mate, if that is the case, want to make it easy for those of us who are not Alhamdulillah. But Allah mentions the scene. And this
lecture is inspired because over the last couple of weeks, I've had a number of parents that have called me in a similar kind of situation, our hearts are breaking our home is upside down. I don't know what to do with my kids anymore. I don't recognize this child anymore. She or he was such a sweet young boy. They grew up in our homes gave him the best environment, the best education we made. We even took personal sacrifices to make sure that they have the best in not only financially but even deed and we gave him the best deal opportunity. And then they became McAuliffe. And things change so quickly. And no matter what we say what we do, we are the bad guys. Where do we go from
I mean, I've been obviously asked by parents give a lecture to our kids, speak to them, maybe they will listen to you. But before we talk to the kids, let us talk to ourselves as parents and understand certain realities. And Alhamdulillah I mean, this one, I must be honest here, my kids, they are still at that young sweet age where the biggest arguments we have is about bedtime and brushing your teeth and not eating too much McDonald's right Alhamdulillah These are easy kind of of what is but very soon, you know Mikey to become teenagers. Insha Allah for those of you you can see the smiles under the mask that you guys almost telling me get ready, get ready for for it. And I
know it's a difficult transition. As they go through puberty it says even though you go through puberty as well. And so perhaps today, it's first and foremost for our parents, to understand our kids so that we can be better. And while we expect them to be adults in maturity, remember we will always be more mature than them. We will always have 2030 years experience on them. The mistakes that I've made will almost like we've been there done that we know the outcome. Sometimes advice will work sometimes I have to bump the head, but we always have to be the parent. We always have to be the mother
to one will always have to be the one giving the guidance. As we know, being McCullough signs of being a mocha love is basically when they're old enough to procreate. And in our minds, our kids are still children, even at the age of, you know, 1819, they still children, but from an Islamic perspective, we know that they are adults in the sight of Allah, by small kids by 1011 1215. They are Makayla, they are adults, and Allah is holding them accountable. So really, from a purely legal framework, Allah is saying up until the age of maybe 13, you are no longer responsible for them, you can only guide them advise them, they are responsible for themselves, you cannot control them
anymore. Before that, yes, you can add some pressure on them. But after that costs, this is between them and Allah, and the decisions they make is with between them and Allah. Now, biologically, it's important to understand what is happening under the surface. We spoke about this before. And we said puberty and why our kids and we've all went through puberty, and we all knew, you know, certain things change in our body, we certain thoughts popped in our head, certain features appeared, what's going on inside our brain is also changing, our brain is actually evolving, part of our neurons are breaking down and new ones are being formed. It's basically a complete revamp of your brain for
about 10 years. And that will impact everything in the way you respond. They are, they have now for the first time your kids will see themselves separate to mommy and daddy. Before that they were an extension of you. My daddy said that Manchester United is the best. So it's Manchester United.
My dad is the strongest man in the world. That's how you are in people smile like they fond memories, I wish those days can come back. But then afterwards, like I'm my own person. And sometimes to actually assert your individuality. You want to do the opposite. I will show you I'll be a Liverpool fan. Even though you're a Manchester fan, to show you, I also have a voice and I also have a standing. And so this is a stage in your life. As a as you go through. At least become McCullough, you want to be seen as an individual. And you make it known by basically rebelling, they are the new emotions come online. And it's very difficult to navigate your your, you know, to think
rationally, when you are so emotional. The areas of your brain was amazing the parts of your brain that encourages you to take risks, to go forward and, and take charge and do things that part of your brain is in overdrive. Whereas the other part of your brain that tells you slow down, understand the consequences, this will only develop when you're 25. That's why only when we through our teens, and we become and we look back at our own, when we look back at our own teenagers, how can I do those things? How could I be so silly to do that, because that part of your brain is not yet fully function. So understand you're dealing with a incomplete human being that is still trying
to navigate their life. And no matter how much you give power to them, the brain is just not ready for it. And then obviously, the ability to to have inhibitions and make the right judgment that is still going to be developed. So what does that mean for all of us, for us parenting our kids going through this part of life? I think for us, just as they're going through a mindset shift, you need to go through a mindset shift. You're not your child is not a child anymore. Your child is an adult. And I want you to think about how do you correct an adult at work, you have an employee that is not doing their job, they come in late, you can't scream at them, you can't put them in the naughty
corner, you can't hit them. You have to how do you navigate that you basically explained to them the rules, and you give them the chance to do the rules follow the rules, or they have to live with the consequences. And really that is how it works to be an adult. We need to treat you like an adult now. And we discipline like an adult. Just like I have rules and laws and its consequences. If I don't do my part, you are also going to have that. That's how we're going to paint you. So how would you like can I ask you a question? If you are not making soda? Or you are doing something naughty? How would you like another adult to speak to your older brother, your uncle, you would not like them
to speak to you like a child and treat you like a child even though you know what you're doing is wrong. Even though you know what you're doing is wrong. But you would prefer. Let's have a cup of coffee. Let's talk. Explain to me your side of the story. What's going on? What can we do to help? That's what you would appreciate. Your kids want the same? Many times when I am forced to referee between parents. The kids will be open and they speak I'm a complete stranger. They don't know anything. And I tell them, you know whether you take drugs don't take drugs. You know, it doesn't impact my life. It hurts your parents, but they're willing to open up because there's no judgment on
my side. I'm just saying let me understand things from your perspective. And they will always say my parents don't understand me. I can't speak to them. And the minute the parents come in the room child is quiet. Two minutes ago they were open telling me all the time
Secrets and things, but with a parents, my parents won't understand.
So how would you like an adult to talk to you? When you make a mistake? That's how you need to talk to your children? How would you manage other adults, as I said, at work, and you need to also then come down and say, Now, you're your baby brother and sister, their children, we need to put them to bed, we need to still manage the time you will be personnel. And I'm going to set up the rules. I will tell you what is okay not okay. You more than welcome to question those rules respectfully. You're more than welcome to say I don't agree with having to eat this or having to do that to come home at this time. And we can discuss it because we believe every rule is there for a reason, this
wisdom, Allah does not legislate the rules for the sake of being difficult, so long, I don't care why what so long as you hear Margarita, I don't know this reason. And so explain to them why those rules are there. And explain to them the consequences of that. Understand also the challenges give them they remember, they want to be an individual they want to be heard, because what they want to give them that space, to speak. And to say that yes, you have added your opinion is valid, I will take it under consideration, even though I can't say yes to everything. But I'm genuinely listening to what you what you want to put forward. And listening, I said is very important. And they need to
feel validated. That's very, very important. Your kids must always say that my parents, they were strict. They but they understood me. And that I could run to my parents when something when I messed up when I messed up, I knew I'm gonna get it from them. But I trusted the more than anyone in the world that they had my back. When push comes to shove, my parents are the ones who are going to have my back. And many times I've said that the parents are the loss wants to know when something is going wrong. The parents are the last ones to know, not the fault. Sometimes it's because of being so emotional, and loving your kids so much that your parents that your kids are more afraid of how
you're going to fall apart, then the consequences so I failed, okay, I failed I need to rewrite my exam Okay, man, but the way Mommy's going to react, she's going to end up in hospital that's more much more difficult to miss I rather keep it from them. You should not be the one your kid should not worry about you falling apart when they have a crisis. They are emotional and high emotions always lead to tension. So you cannot be the emotional one. And I see this a lot in marriages. When they are two couples that just got married mashallah honeymoon phase is over. Now, the parents are getting agitated, as the couple becomes a friction. The inlaws want to get involved, and they are
the worst people to give advice, because we cannot be neutral when it comes to our kids. We cannot take it okay. Calmly. So why did you take the drugs? Why will you the we can't have a conversation, we lose our minds when it comes to our kids, a surgeon can't operate on his own child, just natural. So you cannot be overly emotional. And if you're not able to have the conversation, maybe it's then best to have an uncle and auntie someone outside that can manage that conversation. Okay, allow them the space to be independent label with him and say, Okay, you want these things, I can't give you all of that. I can't let you drive. I can't you're not you're 18. But I can send you to driving
school, for example, I can start giving you some independence. Okay, I'm not going to, you know, you want your own space, your own room, okay. But these are the rules.
And remember, parents, the world is a very difficult place I know. And it's a very scary place. It's scary for us as adults, we don't want to go outside. And to think we're going to let our kids out in that very evil world where any mistake in their life setting is we can't shelter them anymore, the best we can do is to protect them, and to guide them so that when they go out, they make the right choices. You know what your mom was saying that, you know, in the past, our parents would say, I can't control my kids outside, but inside, they're my child outside, they are their own people. Now even inside you don't know who they talking to. They can be talking like playing fortnight with
people all over the world. They're having a conversation with us. 100 They are part of a totally different network, that you don't even know what is going on in the bedroom on the phone. So that's the first thing, see them as adults. And ask yourself how do I speak to another adult? When we have some tension? At work? It's a good example. Think about HR at work. You must be like HR at work. Maybe speak to your HR manager. How do I talk to my kids? You know, how do I when I want when I'm when I read I want to kill my kids, but how do I still talk calmly passively and get the right thing?
The second point
remember your kids are going to respect unfortunately, the friends opinions are the romantic partners opinions over you. It is just part of life. Don't feel bad. Don't take it personally. As they go through the teenage years. It's more important that they get accepted by the tribe and
They get accepted by I mean, all they focus on I need to find a partner. This is the biggest thing in life, the brain is geared towards that, mommy and daddy, they'll always be the
it does change after a while. And for all of us, panela when do we really appreciate our parents, when we've settled down, we've been through all of that we got married, we have our kids of our own, and now we have to be responsible, then we realize Pamela mom and dad been through all this. Now you realize, now you come back almost to your parents and you have that, that new you believe build that relationship. And these that, maybe it's not like I need them in the sense of, you know, a financial need. But now here that respects you know, Mom and Dad has been through this for the last 60 years, they know what they seen, and that you see them now in a different light, so inshallah your kids
will come back, but give them that independence. There is also an MCs but you must be aware of the CCS a person, your kids, my kids, me, you we are, we are most likely to follow the religion, the path of our colleagues, our best friend. So if you want to know what kind of child your son or daughter is, look at the BFF.
Look at the friends, most likely, that is what you're what they what those kids are interested in your son or daughter is interested in. And so while you can't, you know, we can't force them not to talk to certain people, we can massage them in a certain direction, we can make our home conducive. So that was a good one, invite that one over. Have you ever the one that schedules and pushes them nudges them in the right direction, help guide them to good peers, and be Oh, be aware of this and be or at least be aware of who they're interacting with socially. Have the conversation. So when you're chatting to on the phone, Who are you meeting up the weekend, if you're going out to the
movies or whatever, can I meet them, I just want to meet them,
get to know them, get to know the parents of the kids to watch your kids friends. So that at least you're on the same page. And you as I said create the lick your plate, mashallah let your home be that place where the kids want to hang out, give him a bit of freedom, they can, you know, mess up in this, it means you must clean up the house in the morning, or at least they're inside your house. And you can have a little bit of supervision. So remember, you have to actually get right with the friends to get through to them.
Very important number three, and what I've realized, our kids are not are not stupid. Sometimes they do stupid things, but they're not stupid.
They're forming their own worldviews and their own morality of right and wrong. And unfortunately, they're not going to madressa really, they're not they don't have any Islamic mentor that they can talk to, and bounce of ideas. I mean, we as adults feel we need a mentor to make any life decision before you buy a call. You need someone to give you some advice. This is, you know, right and wrong, big life decisions. Our kids are completely blind from an Islamic perspective. They're not getting it at school, they don't talk to the parents. So we are they forming the morality based on what they watch on Netflix, and what they talk to amongst other friends who are equally blind. And so now they
formed the morality over a few years.
And at some point, you'll find this a conflict between what Islam says and your principles at home, and they own self evolved morality. This is a problem when you get to that level, and they become now as an adult independent, it's very difficult to take out what they deem to be right and wrong for Islam, which they have no connection with very little connection with.
The best way. So as parents as they, as kids formed their own moral code, and parents for teens may find the kids. So you might find that your kids were previously very willing to conform and follow your rules. They now have strong opinions even against your your views, what you think is completely haram wrong? And how can you say that? What's so bad about it? What's so bad about this lifestyle? I don't see anything wrong, they may even question things would you feel up? How can you question this? How do I know Islam to be correct? How do I believe in the Quran? How could that not be some do all those things, you can either become angry about it, and cut off the conversation. So we're
not going to talk about it. Wishes aren't gonna go away, or you can address it head on. You can take it and you can try and respond in the best way possible. Remember, this stage in their life will settle
the stage between 2015 and 25 is a period of fluctuation. They go through phases, they get the jump phase, then they in the call phase, then they support this team and that team, they're in love today, they're gonna get married and then they're out of love. They talk into this, they go through phases because they themselves don't know who they are. But eventually they're gonna settle on something. And you want to make sure that when they finally settle down, at least at the very least they have a good understanding about Islam, about Islamic models about Islamic lifestyle that they do.
expect it, that it's a viable option as they go through the buffet of different phases and views and theologies. Some kids are more braver than others that they will experiment with atheism, experiment with different religions, they should always have a connection with Islam, at least Islam should be on the table. And the only way to do that, the only way to do that is to have continuous conversations, to have continuous workshops, to educate yourself about those things, to welcome those questions so that you control it, rather than let your kid ask you.
Why did Allah allow this to happen? Then for them to ask someone on Reddit or Facebook? And they get some strange answer? Or other let them come to you and say, What's so wrong about homosexuality? Why can't I be a different gender to the one I was born with? It's you can either get angry and say, Don't ever ask that question. Gotcha stuff you love 10,000 times.
That's not gonna work.
It's better for you to say, well, let's talk about it. And if you said that's a very good question, I don't know the answer. Let's have someone who does have an answer, we have a conversation out of it. Because genuinely Yeah, one we believe Islam does not give rules for the sake of giving rules, everything, legislators wisdom, and if you are a sane, logical, wise person, you will come to the same conclusion. That's what I was read, and you will come to me eventually. And so the you have to have in these formative years, they must have some kind of mentorships not classes anymore, have some kind of regular mentorship, or you have conversations, either you or you're going to have the
conversations, or you're going to have someone external, that speaks to kids about these things.
Now you can be the most understanding parent, and you can give, you know, all the advice and you can have the best teachers, the best moms, the best psychologist, the best psychiatrist, the best mantra people to help your kids. And still things don't go the way it's meant to. And this Subhanallah It's not strange, it's not it's not unique. You have an Allah gives examples of this in the Quran, you find in the same household, one child is useful. And the other child other children, brothers that try to kill their own brother. Same household, same parenting, same environment. You have one child trying to kill the other one. The other one loves his life away from his dad. He's being forced into
Zina. And he says no, he's in jail. And he still maintains his email no matter how bad the environment is. You have in the household of an RV and perhaps the most heartbreaking is this have nobody knew
where you son for 950 years there'd be no he's crying, calling begging pleading with his son advising him. And we know when the flood comes, that we know he's still telling you my son, the flood is coming. You only have a few hours before you're going to be drowned. No one is going to be saved from this. Come on. And of course such as day three knows what waits on the other side is Jana is Paula Can you imagine there'd be no desperation. Come on the ark come on the ark he son was, you know, the one of the one of the people that must have hurt the most is when nobody nobody's giving a bias to people and young people 5050 And it's uncensored, don't listen to my dad. He's crazy.
Now imagine that heartbreak. How many views are you telling me but your own son doesn't follow you. You rather keep quiet check your own look at your own children. That is what nobody knew had to go for for 950 years where the sun yet when push came to shove. And he knew his son disobeyed Allah. His son did all the wrong things and his destiny was to jahannam even then, his his love and his fatherly love kicked in when he questioned Allah subhanaw taala went out and horrible and then he called out to Allah after he saw his son drowned. He says yeah, Hola, Robbie in Ebony McNally Cydia, Allah this is still my son is from my family, Allah. Now I want you to picture the scenario. You
have a judge in Manila, Manila, Allah, Allah is above all exceptions on the other judge, and you have a star prosecutor, fighting corruption, no exceptions. Anyone that comes we put him in jail. And now you find your own son who has been found guilty. And the prosecutor goes to the judges make an exception for my son.
Let's break the rules for him. Imagine the scene this is what nobody noticing to Allah. Not that nobody Nope, doesn't know right from wrong. But still, I'm a parent here Allah. I love my son so much. I know the consequences. I know what you're doing is just but make an exception. And so I want to almost say to our parents, no matter how bad your kids are, don't give up on them. Your kid is not worse than a b No son, maybe Nope, didn't give up until the bitter end. Even after the end, he didn't give up. So never have the some parents. You know, they have this then I cut you off. I'm not ever going to talk to you. You married someone I didn't want what we done. You want drugs? We're not
going to talk anymore. And so even less than that Subhanallah you're not going to the study the provision I want it then we are done. yearn to be new. did not give up on the sun even after the sun had done all the wrong things. You must always be the parent when your kids run away. You broke them in you
pull them in. Yes, you cannot justify this and you can never say it's hunky dory. It's okay. You can live your life. You must tell them what you're doing is wrong and I will always be against that. But I'm always going to be your father as well. And I'll continue to help you and support you and assist you. And I will pull you in when you run away until the day I die, or the day you die. And if you die is Pamela and you are Muslim, I will still make dua for you. So be like nobody no way he continued to look for his son. Maybe the last point I want to make understand also this hadith and this was a time will come where I believe it will need so much patience that to hold on to his Deen
it's like holding a coal in your hand to be able to swim in that environment is like holding a coal it's you just want to let go. Another Hadith more you know Subhanallah Moses that means this there's a harbor a time will come in the days of patients whatsoever holds fast.
What you like what you are convenient. They hold fast to the EMA and also harbor like you it will be equal to 50 of you. You will need the Eman of 50 of you is harvested 50 of them or 50 of us is it 50 of us to harbor that to be a Muslim in that environment requires the amount of 50 abacus
nuts panela you're not competing just against your son and his best friend at school doesn't do the homework. You're competing with Richard Dawkins, the head of atheism, you're competing with drug dealers, drug addicts, you're competing with everything out the they are being misused to one direction and you only have one voice. You only have one voice, understand.
It's difficult. And at some point, it's beyond your ability, you can only advise and guide and make dua and also therefore maybe your kids didn't achieve the best marks so the best what you want it for. But if they're making the Salah, they're still practicing Muslims Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah we will take that we will take that any day of the week, that if Allah can bless us that our kids pass away on Eman, that's enough whatever as we said last week, Allah said ultimately yes, we want our kids to win the Nobel prize to be happy to put on to become Imam Why didn't want all these great ideas. But Allah says ultimately, Romans oxy Hanina whoever has been saved from Jahannam then they
have succeeded and if passed, so if your kids are still practicing the Islam and they do the very, very basics, they still coming home at night and they still have a little bit of respect Alhamdulillah they're not that bad. They're not that bad. And celebrate the goodness next week Inshallah, as much as we talk to our parents will talk to our kids as well. But if Nila Insha Allah we ask Allah to bless our children and our families and Allah keep I'll keep steadfast May Allah grant us to be good examples and the best possible parents I mean, just a few answers Alhamdulillah this is a very good series we starting we started yesterday, Islam from scratch. This is where we're
going to discuss this very, very basic questions. Who is Allah? Why do we believe in Allah? What's my relationship with him before we talk about hijab? Can I even trust the Quran to be authentic? Does it even make sense to believe in the Quran? 1500 years later? These are the kinds of questions we'll have Islam from scratch. So please free of charge Thursday nights, either live or you can go to YouTube on our YouTube channel and listen to that. We had a wonderful turnout yesterday Alhamdulillah overwhelmed by the turnout May Allah bless us and keep us sincere. I mean, we also make do off with a costume early one of our stalwarts always sitting in the back there. He was in
his in hospital as hard complications from Allah grant the chasm Shiva, may Allah grant him a speedy recovery. May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant Shiva to all the sick and mcfa angelical figures for the deceased Amin or Salah Cena, Muhammad, Islam was telling him later billion Amina cinematic Amara Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh