Making your Spouse Happy

Mufti Menk

Channel: Mufti Menk

Topics: Marriage

Episode Notes

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Light Upon Light 2018, Oldham

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim In the name of Allah subhanho wa Taala, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful Alhamdulillah All praise is indeed due to Allah subhanho wa Taala, the creator, the nourish the cherish the sustain the provider, the protected the cure, the one in whose hands lies every aspect of existence, the control of it, the one who controls my happiness, my goodness, my sustenance, the one who controls my paradise. May Allah grant that to every one of us. I mean,

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we send blessings and salutations upon Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, his household, his companions, may Allah bless them and bless every one of us and grant us all goodness, my brothers and sisters moments ago, people exaggerate when they introduce others don't think. So. It's not good to sit here and listen to things that are irrelevant. May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us success on the Day of Judgment. I mean,

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a few days ago,

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I was in Sri Lanka, a beautiful place really nice. If you haven't visited, perhaps you might consider visiting. It's really nice.

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And they told me that there is a brother who does hijama you know what hijama means? Hey, Gemma is the cupping. So I said, Oh, I'm interested in that if possible. They said he can come here tomorrow. I said, I will go to him, why should he come to me? Who am I? But then they said, No, no, no, he will prefer to come here. And he will come at this time. And he came and I did the JAMA. And it was not the first time I did it. But it was really, really good. It was more of a dry cupping, there is a difference between the dry cupping and the wet cupping the dry one without the suction of blood. But rather, it doesn't come out it's there. And the wet one is when they slice it a little bit, and

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there is blood that comes out. So when I got to the UK, there was another brother, who was doing a Jama and this time, the wet, a Jama. And I decided I'm going to go for it and I went for it. And it was so beneficial, and so good. And you know, there are little cuts which heal very, very quickly. But all the bad blood is sucked out. It's a Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and you feel so good, it helps you your health, your pain, everything else, you know, people say how do you manage, I don't manage but some highlights the help of Allah. And I think he Jama actually really does help by the will of Allah. So I thought there might be a lot of people who don't know so

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much about it, or who might have heard about it, but don't realize how important it is. And the fact that it is as soon as you get a reward for it. So I decided, you know what, not hour, but I decided to show my back my back a little bit of it right, showing where the hijama was two pictures, one was with the cup, and one was just after that, and trying to say a good word about it to promote the sooner of the process along with no other intention. And it was not our, by the way, our meaning it's not the private parts of a man. No. But I posted it, I said something good. And it was on Instagram. And one or two people have said a few things. And I thought to myself, well, you will

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always have people say things you know, when you post something on social media, you need to be responsible. That's correct. But secondly, you need to know that sometimes you are as responsible as possible. But people will have things to say not everyone is happy about your happiness. And not everyone is going to agree with you. And some people when they respond to you, they will respond with bad words, because that's how they behave. Don't worry, I remember, you know, a brother supposed to have studied Islam supposed to be a scholar in his own right. He passed such a bad remark in the chat group that I am a part of that I had to respond in a positive way because he

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displayed that he himself does not bother about the words he uses. And I was praying for his children. Because I'm wondering if this is a scholar who spews such bad words from his mouth. Imagine what example he will be for his own children. And for those whom he teaches, may Allah protect all of us. May Allah grant us goodness. Anyway, getting back to what I was saying. So I posted it. And a little while later, I have a family chat group. I'm sure all of us do. Right? I have a family chat group. I hope we do.

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I hope we do. And if you're in it, if you're out of it, there's a problem. If you're in it, behave yourself say good things, Mashallah. And if you want to correct people say it in a nice way. There are 1000 ways of telling someone something anyway, so my wife says, You know what, I think that

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Picture should be deleted.

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Which one? The hijama? One, it shows your back. It's not a good idea.

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So Subhanallah I said

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10 seconds later

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deleted?

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Why?

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The topic today is how to make your spouse happy.

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That's why

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what did it cost me to delete it? I could afford the sooner I could have argued back I could have said it's not our I could have said this. I could have said that. But all that doesn't make your spouse happy, which is something compulsory, and this which is just something permissible that you could have promoted in another way. Why do you have to argue about it to delete it is no big deal. So Allah, I thought it was a reward to post it. And it was an even bigger reward to delete it. So Panama. Yeah.

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So when you talk about making your spouse happy, a lot of us put stuff on social media that displeases our spouses deleted, it's just a button and tell them I did it because you told me that and you don't even have to come in if they say I'm not really happy with this post. Tell them it's gone. Wow, how did it go to the second between me saying it's gone between you saying I'm not happy with it and me saying it's gone? That's all Don't you think that would improve your relationships will ask me It definitely does. But Allah bless us all.

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A little while later I get a cropped up image to say well, if you really want to post you can actually post this one cropped completely just shows a couple of two. That's it, you can't really see part of your back. And like I said, it's not like the first one was heroin, but it's something that perhaps might have, you know,

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perhaps touch the nerve. So I posted the next one and on the next one I actually said the first was deleted because of the request to at the request of my wife. Whoa.

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And I thought that was a triple quadruple reward because number one you're still fulfilling the issue of encouraging that sooner. Number two is you deleted it to make your spouse happy. Remember this is our topic I'm not off topic by the way. And number three is you actually admitted no matter what the world thinks of you that yes, guy you know what, I also have the law with me. Yeah, exactly. If some of you know what I just said, Okay.

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So Subhan Allah,

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it helps people think I'm a big man. I'm a wealthy man. I'm a dude. I mean this I've got so many friends I've got what how can I and some of the youngsters when they sit, they think you know what? Your wife pleaser? What's wrong? There's nothing wrong. If my wife is pleased, I'm gonna have a happy home man. Subhana Allah, may Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us so I thought I'd start off this way, because it's very fresh. This just happened a few days ago. How many of you followed that? Put up your hands?

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quite a large number Mashallah. So it was relevant handler May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless you guys. And may Allah grant us all goodness, I'm not saying it was it was something grand, but I thought it was worth sharing, because people needed to know what exactly happened and why it was done. And I would do it a million times, meaning I would delete anything and everything. If it really meant and I know I trust my family enough, they wouldn't just tell me to delete, delete something just like that. You know, it's not like some of the men who say stand, sit, stand, sit, stand. You're supposed to be listening to me. I'm your husband. stands. It stands that is is an

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insult, man. It's a total insult our Billa What are you talking about? Now let's get back to something more important, you know, getting into the topic. We're talking about how to make your spouse happy. Okay. Number one, before you got married, you need to remember something. And those of you who are not yet married and those of you who are mothers and fathers who have children who are going to be getting married inshallah, remember something that happens a lot of the times

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mothers come up and say, son, I need a helping hand. Why don't you just get married? Have you heard that? I'm struggling in the kitchen and I really can't you know, now it's becoming difficult. Just get married inshallah, we'll have a lovely, lovely daughter in law. beautiful, lovely kind, and you choose the one who's fairest in complexion over Billa meaning it's not bad to be varying complexion, but some of the best people may not be of that fair complexion. So don't think that you have to be fair, just be happy with what Allah has given you. And that's why I say to people whose phones refuse to open because their faces have been changed by the amount of makeup they use, at least use

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face recognition more often, it will govern, it will govern the amount of makeup that is permissible Subhan Allah, because if you do tell you how Killa you've changed the creation of Allah, even your phone

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We'll tell you, that's not you. Yeah. So if you've done it with a clear face, and then you can put whatever you have Subhanallah within permissible limits, if the phone no longer recognizes you, you have a problem.

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So this is what we say, there are limitations to things. Now, people are not happy with what Allah has given them. Islam liberates you by saying, just be satisfied with what Allah has given you, your gorgeous as Allah has created, you don't let everyone else and the surroundings and the environment dictate to you what you're supposed to be looking like, when you can be satisfied and confident with what Allah has blessed you with. You are truly, truly liberated. Now Allah grant us that liberation, I mean, so then you have this solution? Is that what they call it?

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Yeah, we start hunting. And then you find yourself a lovely daughter in law. And sometimes the son comes in and says, You know what?

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Dad

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got wrong, what's wrong?

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You don't want to marry who is suggesting.

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I've actually met someone

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who

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knew busy thinking, it's a five year relationship that I kept hidden. And I'm busy trying to tell my dad, I don't want to get married to the people, or the person you're trying to push me to marry. There's someone I've promised five years ago.

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And you know what the Father says, No way, Over my dead body, it's not happening, and so on. And people take this in a different way. Some can stand up and fight back. And some can explain and convince and some can get help, but a lot, don't they just crumble and they tell this poor girl or boy, or whoever has been waiting for so many years. You know what, I'm sorry, I really wanted it. I know, it's been five years, I owe the villa. In some cases. I know, we've been intimate out the villa. But I'm sorry, it's not going to be happening anymore. And you've just broken not a heart. But that was a payment for a relationship that we've always warned about to say when you give your

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heart and your mind away to someone, you've actually hurt yourself. When you have given your heart to someone and you don't even know which way is going to go. You're the one to blame. right at the beginning. Allah gave you the control. People say I had no control. No, at the beginning, you did, you could have stopped but it kept on coming in coming in. You allowed it to go at the beginning. So it went. And now they said you're not allowed anymore. SubhanAllah. So now what happens if you bring her in the case of those who finally and ultimately agree, she comes into this home not knowing that so para la when I used to meet this guy back at the university back in the restaurants, we used to

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eat out we used to enjoy, we used to, you know, I was on my best behavior. And I was looking the best and he was looking the best. And now that I'm in his house, and I look at his family, and they look at me as a person who's supposed to be the cook in the home. What is happening? What is happening? The person who's supposed to be a cook, a cleaner. What else?

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servant, proper servant. What else? you supposed to be awake before everyone else in sleep after everyone else.

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And here comes the guy.

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The same guy that you loved for so long.

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And there's a major issue because suddenly you hardly see him.

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He goes out early morning before the sun rises, especially in days like these in December here in the UK. And he comes back after the sunsets. And what happened? You busy working? And there is no appreciation from anyone. They just look at you as though it was your duty.

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You know, I met a brother a few days ago in India, at the lounge. Now you know the business class lounge in India. Whoa, Subhanallah The food is absolutely superb. So I was telling him Oh, this is lovely food. It's like a five star restaurant. He says oh, you know, it's so beautiful. You know, the women of today. They don't cook and I said well the men of today have never the men of today don't even know how to cook.

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What do you mean? I said you're supposed to know how to cook as well.

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Even if it's just eggs like me, by the way. hamdulillah it's a good thing. Allah, Allah grant us ease. But it's no longer as it used to be. No, it isn't. You have to face reality. You must help you must assist if you don't, what type of happiness would you like from your spouse, you see them sweating. They need help on both sides. You see them doing things even if you were to appreciate it's great assistance. If you were to stand up for your spouse, it's great help the brother tells me you know nowadays we just eat burger. Now I'm sure a lot of you know what to do, right.

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We just

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Eat burger nowadays we just eat burger. I told him in that case, they must be a Gerber

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Bella grant Huskies, Allah grant us is.

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You know, Gerber means a problem for those of you who don't know what to do, or Hindi. Gerber means a problem. So he says in my life, I've only had about eight or nine burgers, I tell him, then you probably don't have such a big Gerber in your home.

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But at the same time, that's not something that you should be proud of. or not. It's irrelevant. Actually, whether you've eaten at home or eating out, do you know many years back many years back when I was young, we never ever aged out, I'm sure a lot of you would agree with that. We didn't even know what it was to eat out. And the restaurants, the number of restaurants were very small, very little number, small number of risks. Nowadays, you have to look at the streets. I believe in Manchester, this one whole street that somehow if you were to eat in one restaurant for a week, the whole year would pass and you wouldn't be finished. So Panama isn't their street like that? What's

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it called?

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There you go. So Panama, there you go. And you've got all these beautiful restaurants, make use of them. Sometimes it's not wrong. In fact, you know what you should, perhaps you might want to take your family along here and there, there's nothing wrong, you make them happy. Once in a while, you should know how to strike the balance. It's not like every day, we can go there, or the food was lovely. Awesome. I wish I could taste it on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, relax, maybe perhaps a day or two in the week, it's okay. Or it depends on you and your circumstances. If you're both working class, you might want to have takeaways more often, but you need to make sure it's

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healthy. By the way.

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You cannot expect people all the time to come home and to cook and to clean and to do everything all at once and to expect your home to be a happy home. How it's not going to be

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both of you are working for example. So then help each other help each other come at least do some cleaning. At least do some once in a while. Do some cooking once in a while. Do some some other chores on duty, go and do the the school run or maybe go and do the shopping.

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Your spouse will really appreciate it. But can I tell you something many spouses and I'm saying spouses because I don't want to say husband or wife, many spouses all they need is a good word. But we don't say those good words.

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Going back to that marriage that I spoke about earlier, if you don't marry the one you wanted to marry, I explained if you do we have one problem. If you don't, you're marrying someone else, with the intention of marrying someone who's going to serve your mother or the builder show me which had shown me which verse of the Quran tells you that one of the reasons of you getting married should be that this person must come in as a servant.

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Yes, they will help.

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They will care for you and whatever is dear to you. Yes, they would. And they will. But that's not the primary aim of you getting married, if that was the primary aim and intention. And you say, Mom, I brought someone to Panama to help you. I hope she's got big muscles, she can say yes, to come and answer. No problem. You sit down and make you a meal. Because of what she looks like, wow, powerful. Woman. My brothers and sisters, come on, come on, we need to understand Let's respect our children respect ourselves as parents.

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And let's let our children marry in a beautiful way. And when their spouses come in, give them their space. Yesterday, I was speaking to a sister who told me that if I had it my way I would say it's haram to live with your in laws. And I said that's because of the experience you have. She told me it's not because of the experience I have. It's 90% of the homes in the UK. I was shocked. I said I don't think your stats are correct. Who thinks it's 90% of the homes in the UK? Say yes.

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The noes are those who are the parents I guess. May Allah grant us ease. Well, whether it was yes or no, I know the yes was very loud. The No, I just had one or two from I don't want to point which side you might just want to throw eggs at the brother. But I tell you what,

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that goes to show that we do have a crisis, give them their space, then adults 20 to 25. These are adults, if you want to guide them, you may say a good word. How do you expect them to be spouses who are happy when you are interfering in a negative way? And then comes the old man, I don't like you. You've been telling people that they shouldn't even interfere in their children's in the children's affairs when they are away from the dean and I said that's not interference. Are you guiding them? Are you advising them or are you telling them come here cook for me? Where did you go yesterday? Why did you go to visit

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That person whose house did you go? Why did you take so long? Come on, I'm an adult, I could have gone on for two days. For as long as I know, my spouse knows it's fine. Who are you to interfere in my life? Come on, man. I can go to my mother's house or my Auntie's house or whoever else's house as many times as between myself and my spouse, we've agreed, why do you have to come in and chip into my spouse by saying, Don't let this person go here and go there? For what? Why are you bothered about all of that SubhanAllah. The problem in today's world globally, is a problem of control. We all want to control what doesn't belong to us. We don't have control in our own little situations,

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we want to control the spouses of our children, as though we're married to them. That's why we're not happy. You want your spouse to be happy. Learn to stand up for your spouse. Moments ago, I heard she highly beautiful speech and I was seated here. And he mentioned correctly how important it is for us to be so respectful to our parents, such that so many things if your parents were to say this, you should listen to them. I agree. Those are the perfect parents will follow the dean who follow the instructions of Allah who knows there are limits in Lyons, you have a parent who's not bothered about their own connection with Allah, who is a tyrant and a little fear around in the

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home. You think there's any Baraka in obeying an instruction, you know, is wrong. When you're oppressing your spouse as a result of an instruction that came from your mother, there's no Baraka in her instruction. And there's even less Baraka in your blind following of something that is devilish, thinking you're going to get gender from it.

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I don't think you've heard someone say this the way I've said it before.

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But it's the reality. The rate of divorce is unbelievable. You know why? Because we're not met. We are not the ones who together decide as husband and wife, what's going to happen? We have a whole committee of people like the United Nations Security Council, deciding whether my wife can actually go back to her mother's house for a week because it's eat.

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And there's one guy who has the veto power. Yeah. And that's not even your spouse. It's a fact I'm sure we relate to what I'm saying.

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So my brothers and sisters, learn, learn, if you're a parent, let things happen. It will not happen your way. You don't belong to this generation. They're waiting for you to die. By the way.

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I promise you, I promise you.

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If you are a person who is making others lives difficult, I swear, probably they are hoping if they haven't already made a duel against you that you go ASAP.

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We used to hear many years ago that when Malakal mode comes to a community, he takes people in odd numbers. This was just something random. It's not true, actually. But people used to say, just watch when they go three, go, five go. So when the first one goes is you have up passes by this idea. So Canada, may Allah grant us ease. That shouldn't be the case, live your life in the way that your children pray for you. They love you. They want you to live long, because you're such a loving person, they will make mistakes, you have every right to guide them, you should advise them but in the sweetest, most loving, most beautiful way in a non interfering way. When I say interference, you

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know what?

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I know of cases where the wife says I don't mind cooking. And I really don't mind cleaning either.

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Allahu Akbar. That's a beautiful that's a that's a beautiful soul who's ready to sacrifice beyond what is their duty? You know that. But they say the problem is every other day my mother in law or my father in law says right we have three guys coming in for lunch. We have five visitors coming in the next day for visitors. And you say it's okay if it happens once in a while but every single day, that's why there's things called restaurants you can just order a t a. t A for guests. Trust me the food at mylars is probably better than that at your home. So Panama

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May Allah grant us ease. If it happens so much.

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So much every single day, you're abusing your daughter in law, you're abusing the system in your home. That's what's happening and I'm talking here of cultural homes. And then we say nobody visitors don't come to your house. How will you get Jenna there's no Baraka, okay? bring people to work, if really you can afford all of that because back at the time of the prophet SAW Selim, they had such a simple dish today, on top of telling you that there's going to be 10 guests coming and you're going to have to feed them, they'll tell you, we want this For starters, we want this for a second startup. We'd like this for a main dish. We'd like another main dish, we want a vegetable

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side dish, we want another side dish and you must make this type of a dessert and so on and so forth. And you must get that tea with this type of milk and you must serve it this way. Hang on. This is not a restaurant. This

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is not a restaurant.

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Make it simple. I tell people, you come to my home for a meal, you're going to get one thing. That's it. That's it. meal.

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You're not going to get 510 dishes like we're exotic, wealthy people who've never ever lifted a spoon. No, we work hard.

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make life easy for people. So panela How do you make your spouse happy? Have you noticed what I've said, I'm only talking about the surroundings. I'm only talking about preparing the grounds to be happy. I haven't even got to how to speak to each other. But I want to get to some very, very powerful point, probably the most powerful point which many of us disregard, I promise you, my brothers, my sisters, your connection with Allah, as a couple will determine how happy you are.

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Did you hear that? Your connection with Allah as a couple will determine how happy you are.

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We can say whatever we have, we can solve the matters we can stop interfering.

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If you're not connected to Allah, you will not have a consciousness of Allah. When you don't have a consciousness of Allah and your relationship with Allah is not there you develop a relationship with someone outside of your marriage. Why not in the equation? So you fought to marry someone for five years when you married them? The evening that you were married, you were busy texting another person? For what? Why? Because your connection with Allah, there was a problem with it. You didn't develop that connection with Allah. Can you not appreciate the fact that your spouse, especially our wives, they have sacrificed their families, they have sacrificed their surroundings, they have

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sacrificed their friends, they have sacrificed so much they have come to you. Can you not smile at her and tell her I love you. I appreciate your sacrifice. Think about it. My brothers who are married here, even if you're married for years on end, your spouse's in most cases, the wives are the ones who sacrifice more, because they give up so much in order to make that home. And if we don't acknowledge that, how is the home going to be happy? How is your spouse going to be happy, they've given you children, they might be. And I always say this as much as it's important to keep ourselves prim and proper. And in shape, we will try. But they might have gained a little bit of

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weight because they gave birth to your children. And they are the ones who ate all the leftovers that you left annaleigh.

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And when they gain a little bit of weight, what do you look at? You look at her and you think to yourself, gosh, the lady I saw there was far prettier, prettier. You haven't appreciated the kids, you've had the sacrifice, you haven't appreciated anything that Allah has blessed you with. And you're busy trying to look at something that you're not supposed to be looking at. Remember, not everything that pretty is suitable for you to be married to.

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May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us ease I see there is dead silence.

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But it's a fact of life. My brothers and sisters, you need to appreciate your spouse The same applies sometimes we have young girls complaining, and I'm talking about problems that come to me as a counselor. People say, you know what, my husband doesn't show me enough love. So I you know, I normally say What do you mean? And sometimes you'd have, oh, he works and he doesn't come back home, he's home late and he works? Well, you know what, if he doesn't work, there's not going to be the money that you would like to spend SubhanAllah. In a lot of cases, that's what happens sometimes both work. And in both work. Like I said, you need to understand systems have changed. Islam will

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not change the mutual respect will not change the fact that we need to please Allah has not changed, but because of the pressures that we have of survival and of living on earth today, and how much of money we need just for the month, sometimes we both have to work. So there is not a spouse that can remain at home. And that's it. No, sometimes we have to work. If that is the case. Remember, don't let one party do much more than the other just because they happen to be of a certain gender.

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That's a heavy statement. Very heavy statement. You know why? Because we are very selfish. That's why

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we are very selfish. If we're both working and we both have similar responsibilities. Why is it that one has to come back every day and do certain things and the other one can just sit back, relax, put his feet up. And that's it. If that is the case, how do you expect long term happiness in that home? There comes a day when your spouse needs a break. They would need a holiday they would just need a holiday doesn't mean it was a to Hawaii or Honolulu? No. It means to say you know what, today I'll do the thing. You just relax, sit back, take it easy

00:29:59--> 00:29:59

right

00:30:00--> 00:30:05

Take out the hot oil and do that. Do whatever you have to the oil, so kind of love.

00:30:07--> 00:30:13

As much as you'd love a massage. So does your spouse. Does it happen? No. Why? Because I'm a man, I can't do that.

00:30:14--> 00:30:20

May Allah forgive us? May Allah forgive us, you need to pamper your spouse, sometimes,

00:30:21--> 00:30:51

you need to pamper your spouse, sometimes you need to make sure that we appreciate in a way that we spoil a little bit. You don't have to spoil every day. Gone are the days when we could live for 50 years. And nobody has even said I love you. Nobody has ever been out on holiday. And this is why I cannot I cannot appreciate the old people who keep saying when I was young, I used to do this when I was young. I never went on holiday when I was young. I never used to go out visiting. Now you're old and you're doing all of that.

00:30:53--> 00:31:15

You don't use what you did or didn't do in the past to blackmail someone else. Not at all. Let them live their lives. Things have changed. I know of a couple got married honeymoon and when they came back, they agreed with each other that I'll go back home for a week. So the guy phone saying you know what? from the airport, her family is going to pick her up. She'd like to go home for a week.

00:31:16--> 00:31:32

And I'm going to be joining her after two or three days and the family is like Subhana Allah How could you say that? She's just a new bride. She has to come in she has to do this and involve the sale handler whatever makes you guys happy. It's not Haram is it? heroin? Is it heroin?

00:31:34--> 00:31:45

Sometimes you have a guy who comes in living with with the with the girl side of the family, they use derogatory words to refer to this guy, cheap words. But if they were the happiest of people then

00:31:46--> 00:31:47

you jealous.

00:31:48--> 00:31:57

SubhanAllah What's wrong? Musa alayhis salam worked for his father in law for 10 years. No one called him derogatory terms.

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The man said straight Listen, you marry my daughter worked for me eight to 10 years good. He said very good. So man, Allah. Allah says in the Quran, and with us know how can you get how can you go to their site why your family will fight with you? How could you go, your father will say I also believe that woman alone how I could. What's wrong.

00:32:18--> 00:33:00

One of the most difficult things we find today is to release our children at the age of maturity and when they need to get married, we don't want to release them. We want to still have a big say in what they do and what what happens. They're going back to the connection with Allah. If you have a connection with Allah, it will protect you from sin, you are focused, you love Allah, you love what Allah has bestowed upon you. The sustenance has given you when you're focused in marriage, and that's a very important word. You want to make your spouse happy, be focused, don't allow yourself to lose focus, don't lose focus, your focus, I need to make sure I'm the best possible person to my

00:33:00--> 00:33:11

spouse. Why? Because the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him says hey, you can be the best from amongst you Is he or she was best to his spouse.

00:33:13--> 00:33:52

The primary meaning of it is the best from amongst you all men is He who is best to his wife. That's the primary meaning of that Hadith, but it includes both the husband and the wife. And in fact, the term includes in a broader way, the whole family, whoever is best to their broader family is the best in the eyes of Allah. So if you have a connection with Allah, you will realize that to please Allah subhanho wa Taala going to have to be the best possible person in character in conduct to my own family members to start with my spouse. When you have a strong relationship. Your children are much more focused. When you are not focused as a couple your children will never be focused.

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Remember that if you find children, dilly dallying, there are many reasons Yes. One of the main reasons is when you are not focused within your within yourselves.

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I love the mother of my children. Do you know why? For the sake of my kids, I show my love to the mother of my children, for what for the sake of my kids, they must know how to grow up. They must know how to treat their spouses one day, they must know what life is all about. I will sacrifice I will help in the kitchen. Why? So that my kids can learn from me. That's one of the reasons there are many other reasons I will help because I want to help because it's part of me. I want to make my spouse happy indeed. I want to show my spouse you know what I care for you? Do you really care for your spouse? Or do you really treat your spouse, like a slave in the home like someone who has

00:34:40--> 00:34:50

duties responsibilities. I know we do have duties and responsibilities but you need to realize to help someone fulfill those duties is something recommended.

00:34:51--> 00:34:52

Many of us don't talk about that.

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SubhanAllah we want to have children but when the

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children come onto the earth, a little child is crying and the whole world becomes so upset and angry and agitated. Why don't when the child is yelling in your face and you can keep smiling and keep rocking the child with a beautiful smile and hoping that the child is going to stop then you have true love and care in your heart.

00:35:20--> 00:35:20

Would you do that?

00:35:22--> 00:35:25

Low Akbar, may Allah bless those who are nodding their heads.

00:35:27--> 00:35:30

Allah grant them is I think they were just three or four. But anyway, Allah grant us ease.

00:35:32--> 00:36:00

But you expect that to happen. Whenever would the men actually say and this is a problem? That's why I'm wording it this way. When would the men actually tell the wife who's just given birth and struggling suckling the child? That you know what tonight, I'm on guard, you go to sleep, make sure you have a good night's sleep. I'm going to look after the child in the next room somehow Allah, if anything, we would go without WhatsApp to the next room, but not with your own baby. And you're calling some grown lady Baby, I miss you.

00:36:03--> 00:36:16

It's a fact I'm not joking with you. Because the reality is your own real baby you don't want to take care of and you're busy communicating with someone who's not a baby lying to yourself that that's a baby.

00:36:18--> 00:36:56

May Allah grant us forgiveness. And then you expect your spouse to be happy your home to be okay. You're not helping with the kids. You're not when you when your child is yelling and screaming when your child is sick and Ill when your child has something wrong when your child has a major event in the child's life, and you have no valid excuse if there is a valid excuse. It's one of those things. But if there's no valid excuse, and you're not a part of it, trust me, you need a lot of help. You cannot be the ones that the prophets are seldom describes the best to your spouse when your wife is crying on her own broken down and you're saying nothing.

00:36:59--> 00:37:07

So the women must be saying tell them, tell them tell them? Well, I can tell you what, my beloved sisters You know what?

00:37:08--> 00:37:43

Respect is something that we need on both sides. We need to learn to respect our spouses. You want to make your spouse happy. learn not to raise your voice. That is a cornerstone of a happy home. The minute we yell the minute we yell I know this is on both sides. The minute we yell, raise our voices and start screaming trust me that home is not going to be happy. You're setting a bad example even for your children. And you know what, you might have solved your problem but because your folks or anyone else or your neighbors have heard you screaming and yelling, they will forever think that you guys don't get along forever.

00:37:44--> 00:38:04

You've cracked the glass now learn not to do that to us. So don't yell promised yourself today. I'm going to contribute to making my spouse happy starting off not with the I love us. I love us and then in the new reality, I love y'all Take it easy. There's a way of saying I love you. You don't need to scream and yell because now I'm scared. You do

00:38:05--> 00:38:06

Huskies

00:38:12--> 00:38:20

so my brothers and sisters you need to understand what I mean that for the sake of Allah you need to drop your voice that the Quran speaks about it.

00:38:22--> 00:38:23

in

00:38:25--> 00:38:44

Kerala, Swati la sung to me, Allah says what would mean Celtic, you know, drop your voice the volume drop it down. Why? Because when you yell, you're like a donkey. The worst of sounds is that of a brain donkey. That's what the Quran says. Drop your voice, meaning drop the tone Subhanallah

00:38:46--> 00:39:09

Don't yell. Don't scream at each other. Don't really discipline yourself. That's a very important word. We said focus and now saying discipline, discipline yourself, your character on both sides. Don't scream Don't yell. And you know what? Never ever use abusive words from this day on? Why do I say From this day on? might have just done it just before you came here.

00:39:11--> 00:39:50

Don't use abusive words why use a swear word you want Baraka you want blessings, even jokingly don't use the F word even jokingly, it should not be in your vocabulary. You're a believer, you want the blessings of Allah you want happiness. You want continuity into the next generations when you died and you could die today tomorrow any day that continuity will come by the help of the Almighty you get his help by being disciplined by being focused by developing your relationship with Allah. So if you're going to drop your your tone for the sake of Allah, you're getting a reward and you're earning the blessings. If you are going to cut out bad language trust me, you will have the happiest

00:39:50--> 00:39:58

spouse how many of us our spouses can say this wife or this husband never swears

00:40:00--> 00:40:03

If you can truly say that, put up your hand.

00:40:04--> 00:40:09

Put up your hand if you believe your spouse never swears put up your hand high up.

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There are more men than women. You know why? Because it's the men who struggle Mashallah, may Allah subhanaw taala bless you guys, I've seen the hands. But I was just trying to raise a point to say that the men will say, Yeah, my spouse will never swear because she's a woman. She respects herself, but her hand is down. The same wife has done Why? Because you're busy swearing, big words, swear words that are not even in the dictionary.

00:40:35--> 00:40:36

Not even in the dictionary.

00:40:37--> 00:41:04

So the point I'm raising, let's get a little bit more serious. The point is, watch out for bad words. If it isn't a bad an act of worship, to say good words. If it is an act of worship, to say good words, loving words, kind words, don't you think it is one of the bravest things to say hurtful words, abusive words, when you're angry, you need to extinguish that anger almost immediately, because that is your spouse.

00:41:06--> 00:41:50

Those are your family members, take care of them. If you have married the widow or a divorce, see, you will earn a huge reward because that's what the prophets are seldom did. And you know what, they may have their own children, to be kind to those children to look after them, you will earn genital fair dose, just by being kind to who to children that may not necessarily be yours, but you've taken care of them because they were your spouse's kids Subhanallah to respect someone who's been divorced from you, is an act of worship. You didn't get along. But that doesn't mean you need to have a whole paragraph of bad words describing your ex. Yet she was the mother of your children. Oh, he was the

00:41:50--> 00:41:55

father of your children, no need to do all that. That is when you will have a current happy home

00:41:56--> 00:42:39

and looking for happiness. How will I get it? I told you primarily by getting closer to Allah. When you develop your consciousness of Allah, automatically, these characteristics come within you automatically. That's why if you have a person reading five Salah a day, six Salah a day, they've added the tag as well, but their tongues are bad. Trust me, there's something wrong with that prayer of this. I've known of people, they will read on the wall, saintly people on earth, they will have a you know, counter counting how many times they've said a stop, viola, I trust me if you had closed that and stop that. And just being kind to your own daughter in law, for example, you would have

00:42:39--> 00:42:49

probably earned Jenna in a more easy way than what you're doing because everything you're doing the reward of it is going to those who you're abusing with your mouth.

00:42:50--> 00:42:51

Allah forgive us.

00:42:53--> 00:42:54

Allah He will lie.

00:42:56--> 00:43:37

What is very important for us to know is Islam is not only about salah and Quran, and Vicar, that is a very big and important part of it. But more than anything, we need to be reminded again and again, that Islam includes in it, the way you treat those you live with. Many of us are Muslim just by name. That's it. We don't even know what Islam is all about. And for us, Islam is just about, you know, praying five times a day that I don't even feel like doing all the villa Villa, but that's how people look at it. But more than that, Subhana Allah we don't even realize Islam has given us the ingredient of happiness. You make Allah happy, Allah will make you happy.

00:43:39--> 00:43:41

And I've only got six minutes remaining. Do you believe?

00:43:43--> 00:43:46

You don't believe can I go beyond six minutes inshallah.

00:43:47--> 00:43:49

You heard it. You heard it. Okay.

00:43:50--> 00:44:05

So my brothers and sisters, I want to tell you something else. Many of us are not happy as spouses. Do you know why sometimes the way we manage our weddings, we displeased alone that day, big time, big time, big time. And we want happiness. Did you ever just say

00:44:06--> 00:44:07

we got married?

00:44:08--> 00:44:42

Allah gave us a spouse who is half of our Deen, for example. It's going to be the decree of Allah for children who are going to be coming for us who are going to be carrying the deen. We want happiness and goodness. But on that day, we were naked showing the cleavage for all the other friends of my husband to see who Allah. Yes, it's a reality. Go and see the people from poorer countries how well they've dressed how they've covered themselves how the marriage and the wedding looks like an act of worship with us. It looks like a party sometimes like a nightclub.

00:44:43--> 00:44:49

Yes, we're lucky and we're not even allowed to talk about it because they call you the Taliban's by the way.

00:44:50--> 00:44:51

No,

00:44:52--> 00:44:53

Allah protect us.

00:44:54--> 00:44:59

I am telling you, you asking me how to make your spouse happy and how to increase the happy

00:45:00--> 00:45:25

Finish in your home. Start off on the right footing I challenge you, those of you who are going to be getting married, ask yourself what I'm doing? Am I making Allah happy? If the answer is yes, you stand a great chance to make yourselves happy. Allah will make you happy. Am I making Allah angry? upset? Am I am I treating the day? I'm getting married as an act of worship? If the answer is yes, you're going in the right direction, if it's No.

00:45:27--> 00:45:30

Now some of you must be thinking, Well, we've already done it. Now what

00:45:32--> 00:46:09

I can tell you, it's not too late. You seek the forgiveness of Allah, Allah, we did it in the wrong way. We were ignorant at the time, we were perhaps, you know, giving into pressure of this side and that side and whatever else. And we did it the wrong way. Oh, Allah, forgive us, forgive us and we want to do everything correctly. Now Allah will forgive you immediately. The problem is, we don't even think that what we did was wrong. And you're looking for happiness. No wonder why there's yelling, screaming, shouting swearing in the house. Because you know what, that's what you did to Allah, you insulted him the day he gave you the most happiness, you're determining the rest of your

00:46:09--> 00:46:26

future. That's what's happening. You're you're starting a new page in your life with a spouse that's going to bring about inshallah Baraka and children and everything else. And on that day, you insult Allah, I'm telling you, it's a fact. I'm trying to word it in a nice way, okay? But it's a fact.

00:46:28--> 00:46:41

The same things we do on the day of eating eat is a day of happiness given by Allah for you to be happy, but we make a lot upset and angry allies, far from being happy with us on the day of E. So some of these things need to change.

00:46:45--> 00:46:51

And the change is quite simple. It's not so difficult. We need to have more simplicity in our life, we will be happy

00:46:53--> 00:47:32

Subhan Allah. So my brothers and sisters, if you've done things the wrong way. Now, there's no point in stressing about what you've done. You seek the forgiveness of Allah and Allah knows and Allah will still give you the Baraka and he'll still give you the happiness. Don't cry over spilt milk, for as long as you sought forgiveness, Allah says, Don't worry, we'll get all that milk and put it back in the bottle for you as pure as it was amazing. That's only Allah who can do that. No one else can. But from now on, you want to have functions and things that are connected to such a big rabada of Allah subhanho wa Taala does happiness that he's given you have it in a proper way it determines

00:47:32--> 00:47:37

a lot of your future it definitely does. Don't think it doesn't it has an impact on what happens.

00:47:39--> 00:47:51

I'm not saying don't have a big function or have a small function. If you can afford you can have it as big as you want. But keep it simple keep it okay keep it within the pleasure of Allah Subhana Allah and you find what will happen

00:47:52--> 00:48:09

there will be a lot of happiness in that home because why you made Allah happy. Time for Salah will factor if both of you are sleeping and no one of the No one can remind the other that this is the time of prayer. How do you expect happiness to that day when you started the day with the displeasure of Allah?

00:48:11--> 00:48:11

Yeah.

00:48:13--> 00:48:41

It's not difficult to get up early. Moments ago Sherif Ali was telling us about he was telling me that they have a new system. There's a new club, the four H club Have you heard of it? 4am Club, top brains in top intellects across the world. Google it, check it out. The 4am Club the four o'clock in the morning club, they get up at four in the morning start their work at such that they can free themselves by 910 o'clock and the rest of the days almost free.

00:48:42--> 00:48:45

Who's doing that? non Muslims?

00:48:46--> 00:48:58

What about us? Allah told us from before to be in the 4am Club but no way. Allah says Don't worry, I'll give you one hour more be in the 5am Club and if you're in England you can be in the 7am Club Mashallah

00:49:00--> 00:49:09

but still seven will get up for work we'll get up to jump but Salah Allah happiness of Allah we're not worried what happiness Do you want with your spouse was not happy with you.

00:49:11--> 00:49:29

And to make Allah happy is very easy. You just have to say, Oh Allah, forgive me what I did was wrong. I'm gonna try. I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to keep trying to do my best. And if you miss the Salah, read it. As soon as you remembering fulfill it as soon as you remember it. That's what that's the duty and Allah will open your doors, one after the other Subhana Allah.

00:49:31--> 00:49:57

That's the pleasure of Allah. We're earning it. May Allah subhanho wa Taala. Grant us goodness, may Allah open our doors. You know what this topic is such that we can go on and on and on. You know why? Sometimes some of us, no matter what you do to your spouse, they just won't be happy. You agree? No matter what you do, you can bring the mountain But no, it's not good enough.

00:49:58--> 00:50:00

Don't expect

00:50:01--> 00:50:08

Too much from your spouse. When your expectations are too high, you become upset.

00:50:09--> 00:50:35

Don't be too demanding. When you are too materialistic and you're worried about the latest of everything, you will not have a happy home, especially when you don't come from an extremely wealthy home. And I tell you wealth is a very big challenge because if you get used to a lifestyle of luxury, the day that you come crashing down from a sustenance perspective, that day, you will be depressed because you are flying too high. My brother, my sister,

00:50:36--> 00:50:52

when Allah blessed you be humble. only spend that which you have to, you might want to improve on the quality of what you have because Allah has given you the wealth, but don't let it mess your attitude. Not at all. Don't let it make you a developer's chip on your shoulders. Never.

00:50:54--> 00:51:06

Subhana Allah, don't be too demanding, be happy with a little bit. Don't want to have the latest. Don't compare your life with others because others are just pasting and posting.

00:51:08--> 00:51:10

What is not the reality?

00:51:11--> 00:51:24

I read a joke the other day, someone forwarded it to me on my phone. And it says you know, one guy is asking another or maybe it was a sister asking another you've got such lovely skin. What do you use?

00:51:26--> 00:51:33

I'm sure that's quite a quite a common question when someone has nice skin. You've got such lovely skin. What do you use? Guess what she says?

00:51:34--> 00:51:52

I just use an Instagram photo. Bella gratis is Subhana Allah May Allah grant us is he just flick pick and choose what you want flick flick? Can you present yourself like I am the most pretty woman or I am the most, the most gorgeous looking guy, flawless everything, whatever, whatever. And you don't know in real life.

00:51:55--> 00:52:05

Allah grant us ease. That's why I say liberate yourselves by being happy with what Allah has given you. You have a spouse, concentrate on your spouse, Allah will open your doors.

00:52:06--> 00:52:45

Focus your energies, focus your love, focus your power, focus everything on that marriage of yours. And look how happy you will be. Because if you say Nah, you know what, here and there and you're not focused, all the energy is now diluted and what will happen as a result, there's no happiness anywhere. Because what you want you're not going to get and what you have you don't want are always gonna be law. Come on, concentrate on what Allah has given you. It's like when you have a burger or you have some food in front of you, and you start looking at everyone else's food. Gosh, please eat what you have. It's also food it's gonna be okay. It will fill your belly please, Allah. May Allah

00:52:45--> 00:52:59

grant us he's, you're going to keep looking there. You're not going to appreciate your burger yet. It was the best burger possible. And the same guy who's eating those lamb chops is looking at your burger and saying, gosh, I wish I had the burger man. Look at the cheese there.

00:53:01--> 00:53:05

That's what we're doing with our spouses. We're not appreciating what we have.

00:53:06--> 00:53:46

May Allah subhanho wa Taala help us appreciate each other? May Allah subhanho wa Taala help us focus. I've overshot my time but it's okay. May Allah subhanho wa Taala give every one of us can atone for those. I hope that what I've said, is only an introduction towards the topic, pleasing your spouse starting off with the home ensuring that you're a blessing parent who understands how to give independence to your children, the moment they get married, not to give instructions as though they have been married to you and to understand that the blessings of Allah will come when you develop your relationship with Allah subhanho wa Taala May Allah grant us agenda to Pharaohs. Aku

00:53:46--> 00:53:53

kolyada salam wa salam ala nabina Muhammad Subhan Allah Subhana Allah Hama, Mohammed decondition

00:53:54--> 00:53:58

kawana to relay was Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.