Practical Marriage Advice

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Mufti Menk

Channel: Mufti Menk

Episode Notes

Mufti Ismail Menk gives us some practical marital advice before a nikaah, for those married and those seeking spouses

November 10, 2012

Episode Transcript

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talk after which you initiate it

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and after that inshallah they would be mean sector we hope to complete by the time of

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this meeting

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t zoom

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as

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you

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wanna learn

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to say,

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VV

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to be

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in army

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rahmanir rahim

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In the name of Allah subhanho wa Taala was gracious, most forgiving, Most Merciful. We asked the almighty to bless us all this evening we asked Allah subhana wa tada to grant the presence and segmentations to all the messages that he has sent to us from the beginning of time, all the way to the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him less than all the prophets that he has sent to us.

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Around the Prophet Noah, owning

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the Prophet Abraham May peace be upon him. Mousavi salatu salam, the Prophet Moses made peace be upon him. This is Salatu was salam, the Prophet Jesus made peace be upon him and all the other messengers, including Muhammad,

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peace be upon him and all his companions and make the same peace and blessings be upon every one of us.

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Brothers and sisters this evening, we are here to officiate the nikka of Alabama, to Asia. And we asked the almighty to bless this occasion. And at the same time the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon us to seize the opportunity to address those who attended in order to leave them with a message. So this evening myself, I see many of my friends as well as being a very close friend of mine. And by the rule of law, I happened to make it this evening and I'm feeling happier than he is for him hamdulillah I can't say that but I can just

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at the same time we need to know two or three things firstly what is mega mega is the appreciation of a magnet religiously. It is the simplest thing possible in order to protect us from adultery and in order for nobody to have an excuse that you know what I committed adultery because marriage was too difficult religious. So what do you need to get married religiously. You need a proposal from one side that can be either from the boy side or the good side. You know the culture tells you that only the boy side must propose Islam tells you either way, you can have a woman who is proposed to medic no problem you like someone you really think they're a good person or you feel you've come

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across someone okay. So on get it official. You see for as long as it is an efficient you could be being used, the minute it is efficient, then by the will of Allah you are protected by a bill of rights. Allah subhanho wa Taala condors protection so there is the proposal that comes from one side number one, then there is something known as the kaboom the acceptance comes from the other side. In the interim between these two, the two can get to know one another property. They can meet each other as many times as possible on condition that it is done within close proximity of a male chaperone, or of the girl or the female. The reason is, we don't want someone to come our daughter

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We don't want someone to try and show the goodness, we don't want someone to abuse or misuse or should I say, sees perhaps the gullibility of our daughter and so, so for that reason, he may come home and he may see that he may ask her questions and so on in our presence, and when we say presence, close proximity, and he may ask as many questions as he wants, and she may do the same, they may then agree or disagree, if they agree, they may want to meet again and again and again. The minute they feel that now, it's we don't want to continue with this, they now break off completely, and it's quite easy because you would not have been attached the minute there is an attachment, it's

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quite hard to break up when you say No, you know what, even though I'm not so much for it, but now everything is gone. So far, we've already had three children now with

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a project with us, it's not supposed to be the case, we are supposed to be doing this in a proper spiritual manner. Manage is actually a spiritual union. It's not just a union of fun, alone, but it has spirituality in it, which makes it even more fun. Allah projectors thereafter, if they do agree to continue, you have an acceptance from the other party in the presence of a minimum of two male witnesses. And you need to have something known as a man a man is not a dowry. Amar is I like to turn it a down payment you know, it's a down payment. That means this is my first amount the rest of

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money is a gift from the groom to the bride. Pure gift today, Mashallah. If he doesn't mind me making mention of he had spoken to me earlier what should we give them they need to decide that this is where they are easygoing people.

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So Mashallah, it goes Dina. Proper gold nano, Idina and 10, silver, have been given asthma. So it's something very good, it is more symbolic than anything else. It is just to say, Look, your responsibility of food to the accommodation looking after is now I am the husband, and this is the gift to you, and she does whatever she wants with you. Remember, in Islam, a female has her own ownership and possession, which the husband does not have a right to enter into or to, you said he can only guide her if she's going wrong, Look, don't spend in this direction. So we asked MIT to help us understand the rights of the woman in his lab,

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when you need to have also the father of the bride giving the bride away, that is the ideal situation that should be happening and to see the agenda, we will be witnessing that. So, the father will be the guardian and representative at the same time known as a woody What are you getting the bride away, if there is a difficulty or an issue with that, then in Java, you can speak to the Rama sometimes you know people are deceased, sometimes there is another problem and so on, we speak to the scholars and you try and get an understanding and explanation perhaps another person can fit that position. Once that happens, and all this has happened in one city, the two are declared

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married. So there is nothing happening more than that. So today you will hear a question posed to the Father of the Bride. Do you give your daughter a question posed thereafter to the groom? Have you accepted this? And he will say yes, and we will make mention of a Maha Maha meaning the gift given to the bride. And we will make mention of the witnesses who are witnessing here this evening. One in particular, but everyone can be seated here. So that is as far as how it goes. Look at how simple it is. We asked the almighty to grant us ease and witness. The second part of my talk this evening will focus on what they have been managing works around or what it works with. Number one

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first issue is the issue of trust. If you do not trust your spouse, you're wasting your time. Trust comes now it is built and so right now the seeds of trust are sown right now. So you trust one another come one may when you hear an anonymous caller calling you That is a lie. No matter how true it sounds, it's a lie. Throw it out you will be happier. The minute you want to entertain someone else in their stories, you are not going to be happy and the day you break up, they will be laughing and they will be excited. May the almighty protect us from Mischief Makers, and many make us from those who can help our spouses trust us. There's no point in saying trust me, trust me, but

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everything you're doing is testing my trust for you, maybe Almighty God as witness. And this leads us to something else. We need time with one another spend maximum time with one another. The prophets Allah says Leah Sokka make you want to succeed in life and spend maximum time at home your wife, your children's panela your children and men

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opinions and so on when you're at home, especially after the evening prayer, he says, If you do not have something constructive to do, make sure you're at home. because much of you sitting with one another, you're talking to each other, you have time to bond with your family and so nobody doubts you because 90% of sin is committed after the sunset. Have you thought that that is what the prophet peace be upon him says, You go home when the sun sets meaning after the night pray go unless you have something constructive and beneficial to do. So if you want to solve your marital crisis, you need trust, you need to spend maximum time quality time, this means your friends, so he's looking at

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you, but your friends become secondary, your wife becomes kind of first.

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Which means if your friends feel bad that others guys know you know what he is controlled by his wife, they can keep on uttering those statements for as long as you are happy. That doesn't mean anything Mashallah.

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Listen,

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this is a fact you want to manage to work your spouse comes number one, your immediate family number one, they are after your friends. So if you have a 911 from them, and from them, you know where to go first and shelter. Now, let's say if God doesn't grant this goodness and made him open our doors, it's something very important. People don't know how to prioritize, you want to go in and take them with you. You want to get some way, take a region. And another thing, transparency, they all start with to trust. We said time now we're talking of transparency, be transparent as possible, don't have hidden agendas in the closet. You know, the phone is when three blocks wide. The first one in

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case she gets to the second case she gets to navigate. What's the reason? If you have transparency, Nothing will go wrong. That having been said do not go into your spouse's phone for nothing. No matter what don't. This is the policy we've taught people as counselors today, we are in an age of advanced technology where people send m w h so many times to people they hate just to say hello, you see that people say loving when they actually hate you. So if you see something on this phone of your spouse saying I love you a little heart, you should know that that is not actually genuine. Today, we are in an age of people being fake. When people have proven it to you by living too.

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That's good enough. Although we are taught to utter, that brings me to another point reassurance of the spouse or to the spouse of your love verbally. And in other ways is very, very important. Keep on uttering into him. Keep on every day in different ways. Look at them smile at them. And you utter these words of how much you love them. You make a difference? No point it's a country feel it, come on, come on, what do I do for you, that's not good enough, as much as you do for them, you still need to under the words of love for them. And every day just like you are engaging in an act of worship, you know, you need to tell them how much you love them in various ways. You know, you need

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to keep on looking at them staring at them how beautiful they are, because you don't want them to feel that coming from someone else than yourself. The minute that happens, we are in a danger zone, we ask the almighty to grant us goodness. And we always tell people you know, you're supposed to dress for your husband, so that he can appreciate you. The difficulty is husbands do not appreciate their spouses. So that's a good comment. Are you looking awesome, you're looking gorgeous. Wow. You know, and you can even pretend to be blushing if you want to.

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The beauty of it is when someone else says those words, they will be very cheap, they will not be turning towards them. But if you've never uttered sweet words or romantic words to your spouse, the minute a person in the mall begins to turn around so badly. They will get their attention the devil comes in make someone feel that you know what, I don't even get this good from my spouse. So now when they're going to the mall, they will talk but when they are

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smelling of the cooking and the onions and so on. And nevertheless Pamela Doudna protect us and come to seize and goodness, I am a person I'm sure you all know me, we press the red button. We like to speak reality not fairy tale, it must be applicable in my life and yours. And believe me works. Believe me. There has to be the Almighty, who has taught us not only trust not only

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time, and not only transparency, but together with that tolerance. You need to tolerate some differences that you may have. You've been brought up totally different, different parents different sometimes countries, cities, likes, dislikes, whatever is within the limits of the law, you need to try your best to adopt and adjust to it. Whatever is out of line, you need to make it clear this thing here. I'm not happy with it because the almighty could be displeased if we do it this way. There you are, you've made your lines very clear. But for example, you know, you're thinking of buying a car and so on. So now you've settled on a BMW five series. And then after there is an

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argument should it be blue or should it be white, whatever the color is, believe me, it's mine. If White

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Cover is going to solve a medical problem medically might come to if it's a minor issue, but you've got the car seat. So you make the bigger decisions and you notice my

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goodness at ease. So you need to prioritize and know if you disagree with everything that is said, and you just want to be a pain in the major decisions, you will never ever get the right. Remember in your marital life in the year, you probably have three or four major decisions to be made, the others are all minor. So when it comes to the minor ones, you can compromise a little bit more either way, to the degree that either is compromising and you find goodness in what is coming up made your mighty conscious every form of ease. And goodness me I've spoken quite a bit in Sharla regarding what may make your marriage work by the will of Allah subhana wa Tada. Remember, never be

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vulgar your tongue. That's another tip, look at it, your turn, use it properly. Don't be vulgar, do not lie, do not say utterances that will displease the maker No. And we ask the almighty to protect us because the time is something that is repeated in the verses we shall be reading in a few moments. Every time the Almighty says Be conscious of your maker.

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And then he says at only that which is upright because 90% of medical problems are connected to the time how you use your time, if you don't know how to use your time, you know, you will suffer a lot of turbulence May the almighty protect us from that type of behavior and the abuse of the time. Now I'd like to end off by the remainder of the prophet may peace be upon him to those who normally attended then he can he used to address all the people, you know from amongst us, there are those who are not yet married. But when you look at this day, you need to tell yourself one day I want to be here. So you need to start actively looking for a spouse, no matter who you are. There are two

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types of people who are not married, either those who have never been married or those who have been married before you've lost your spouse either through divorce or death. Don't worry, it's not the end of the world, you need to try again. And you need to make sure that you can right and at the same time look for the correct qualities in the spouse and make it your aim to please your maker. If it's your aim to please your maker, you become such a fantastic person, character wise conduct wise, you look at the rest of humanity. You look at all the other creatures of the Almighty and you feel you are in sync with them. Even if they do not happen to share your favorite well, even if there are

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animals for example, in the real sense, or plants or the water you feel so cool and current because you're trying to please the maker you're not a destructive person who is abusive and who has bad qualities may remind you cannot discriminate. So those who are not married, you need to look at what's going on and it needs to give you a kick I hope and pray Charla today is 10 1112. According to the data. Next year, we're going to have 11 1213 correctly. So I hope to be here again, with a few of you guys. It's a good day, I'd like to think probably from the guardian. You know, if you look at it from the colonial Canada after, you're not going to have a 1213 and 14 because there's no

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13 months. So we asked the almighty to grant us goodness, or go I'd like to just briefly clarify there is no Islamic significance of the data. But it's something that's nice to like to continue them

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and it will also be good drives 11 1213 the youngsters I met some of them and I told them next year, I want to see them here. But then when I was coming in I changed my mind and I thought the missing does is when the new guy is ready when the parties are okay with everything Don't delay because the more you delay, the greater the chances of committing adultery with a person you ready to marry what's the point man the almighty grant us safety and may protect us at all times? Secondly, we need to realize and understand that from amongst us there are those who are married right now. Ask yourself when I went through this date how excited was it? How happy was I? Am I as happy or am I

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not as happy? Or am I even happier Mashallah, if you're even happier they won't talk to you know we say no light upon light we are so excited for you you've actually worked in light perhaps afterwards we can meet at the back and exchange notes is

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happier than the day you were married. But we asked the almighty to grant that to Alisha and the others well, so we're getting married by the will of the others are those who are as happy when you say oh Mashallah you also agree that everything is working to keep it that way and remember to share your some tips with the others you don't need to tell anyone so happy so excited to give us some time you know the evil I can affect a person and we asked you a mighty to protect us from the enemy. But the third category is the one that we need to address those who are not as happy. You need to ask yourself today Why? What went wrong and look at yourself critically was it

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Problem. That's what I need to do. Was I the problem, if I was the problem as the almighty for forgiveness, make amends and get back home, resolve the problem, change your life. This is why the Prophet peace be upon him says Nika must be in the masjid open for everybody to attend. There is no restriction on entry here. Why? Because everyone comes, they can sit and watch, get a reminder. And at the same time, they can think to themselves, you know what, I need to resolve my own problems. I need to make myself a person who can learn a lesson from this go home and say, Look, I'm sorry. I'm really, really very sorry. You know, we don't want it like the amount of domestic.

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When you go home, I'm sure you've heard this from me before. You need to make sure you praise cooking of your wife. She's been working so hard in the kitchen. She's actually been there for so long. And whatever she cooks, when last Did you say Wow, what a means. What do you mean?

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Today I received an email where somebody said and I'm sure you must have seen it to be doing exams for a few years. They say the son was watching his father, when the mother had read the toasts and he came in and he didn't even notice that the toast was burnt. He didn't even notice he ate it and he said while it was such an amine, and later on when they were going to sleep the sun goes to the pharmacist. Do you really like burnt toast? Because he added a comment I love burritos you know this type of toaster really like burnt toast? So the son the father called his son closes his

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boots toast doesn't hurt anyone. But what you see from your mouth can be very hurtful.

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Because

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the bird toast doesn't hurt anyone don't what you've said from your mouth can be very helpful so just say I love it. I like it. The only thing is just telling tomorrow I bought for something else

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for you every day

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so I will say that the mom says go home and praise the cooking of your wife man comes home and he praises the cooking wow lovely dish. Oh I've never tasted delicious and the wife gives him the pan on his head.

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Oh What happened here? She says for 23 years I've been cooking for you You never praised my food. Today when the food came from the neighbors

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he had to explain himself he wasn't meant to be.

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So let us not praise the cooking of our wives 23 years down the line. You know there is a lot of sacrifice that goes into that and even if there is a little bit more a pinch of salt and so on. So what as we said the words mean a lot by the Almighty God is goodness and how has a few moments we will get the appreciation of unica calling for

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Baraka