Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #16
Channel: Mirza Yawar Baig
Series: Mirza Yawar Baig - Living Islam - Marriage - Making and Living it
File Size: 28.76MB
Episode Transcript ©
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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen
wa salatu salam ala Shara film ba well mursaleen Muhammad Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa early he was abusive. Thus leaving Catherine cathedra formado. Neverland Sisters, we are on our living Islam series looking at marriage.
And we were talking about my cardinal principles on these
matters. And that was I said, the first cardinal principle is to
make sure that you do some things which make the marriage happy and do not do things which make divide and happy. My second cardinal principle is concerned is what is most important to remember,
concern for each other genuine concern, having it and expressing it.
Now, remember the Golden Rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
As soon as the Muslim said your Eman is not complete, until you want for your brother, what you want for yourself.
to even greater extent, this is true for the spouses.
So, if you do this, you cannot go wrong. The virus that kills the marriage is a two letter word. And that is me, me.
Because the moment you start getting concerned about yourself at the expense of the other, then that is the death knell. Drumroll for your marriage.
To get you have to give,
what you have in your hand is your harvest. What you sow is the seed to get the harvest, you must first sow the seed.
So give and give with grace, and give with love and give with joy.
And you will get much more than you bargained for believing
there is no doubt about this, you will get far more than you thought was possible. But that won't just happen, it will come provided you first give.
That's why I say to people don't worry about your rights focus on your duties.
If you focus on your duties, and your spouse focuses on their duties, then both the rights of the spouses will get fulfilled.
Instead of that if you focus on rights, and the chances are that you are going to neglect the duties, and you will only be thinking about what you can get out of the marriage. And your spouse is also thinking about what he or she can get out of the marriage. And when the when enough stuff has been taken out of the marriage, the marriage is gone because there's nothing in it.
Right there's nothing in it. For something to survive. And for something to prosper, you have to put things in, not take things out. If you want your business to survive, if you have a shop. If you keep taking things out of the shop and use them somewhere else your shop will have the shelves shelves will be empty. And even if a customer comes there's nothing to buy because you have you empty the shop. If you want the shop to do well, you have to stop the shop, put things into the shop.
Removing things doesn't help putting things in. And the same thing is true about marriage.
Do what I'm telling you and you will get much more than what you bargained for. So show consideration show not just feed, show consideration for your spouse, do things without being asked.
Don't play power games doesn't work. bargain with with spouses is really really
it's a zero sum game. It's mutually destructive.
The marriage is not a boxing ring. It's not a WWF wrestling match. It's not a competition to see who's smarter, who's more
powerful and so on and so forth. It is not a contest to get the better of the other.
Your spouse is not a not your prey you are not a predator.
You understand this spurious responsibility when your customer your spouse is not even your your client, your spouse is your spouse. That is a special relationship that is not shared with anybody other than your spouse and this is something that you should believe in and really work on and then inshallah you will your marriage will be absolutely fantastic. Now remember in this
whole problem of this, playing power games and winning. Remember that every time you win, the other person loses, and losing some something that nobody enjoys. So at some point, they will get tired of losing. And then you have no marriage. And then you have lost big time.
And that's the biggest loss that you brought on, on yourself.
And marriage is like a relay race, longterm, passing the passing the baton to each other at each stage. And the team in this case, the two of you wins. If you don't pass on the baton, if you hang on to it, then you lose. Right? So please understand this. Now.
My next question they asked me which I wanted it for you is Western number 12.
In today's times of prenups,
Fast Track divorces and even websites as matchmakers what kind of man mindset should people have when getting into a marriage? Now, I said that today, we live in a world where selfishness is not a sin anymore. And that is a tragedy because it's selfishness is a sin, except that we don't accept that. Like many things in this world is live today, we have got used to and we have normalized
behavior, which is really negative.
Right? very negative. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine. And he, he's indifferent, he is actually atheist more than more than Hindu, but he has a new name. So he was telling me he said you know the difference between Hindus and Muslims is so big, because he says Hindus worship idols and Muslims, for Muslims worshipping idols is anathema. So, really, there cannot be any understanding between the two and therefore, violence and conflict is inevitable. So I told him, that is I completely disagree, because in my view,
there is a third possibility one is we agree. Second one is we disagree or we fight. The third possibility is that we agree to disagree, that we disagree with dignity, we disagree with respecting each other, and say that I will not worship idols. This is not by faith. But if you're worshipping idols, I will not go and kill you either.
Right. So this is the this is a problem today that we have accepted all kinds of native behavior as as normal, but remember, it's not normal, it is negative. And that's what the reality is. Now.
That's why I said that he just changing your mind or changing or giving it a different word and a non evil sounding word does not change an evil into good.
Right? You will get sick even if you fall in love with a virus. Because that is the nature of the virus.
People wanting to get married have to learn to think about the other and to consciously give him or her procedures and preference. If you can't do that your marriage will break down sooner or later.
Our lifestyles, the internet, social media,
talking to people across the world, from other cultures, the TV with it's unreal fantasy world of soap operas, all designed to destroy marriages.
They promote ideas that are either directly destructive, or they lead to the killing fields of marriages.
These areas glorified disrespect for elders, extramarital affairs, destructive competition, ostentatious consumption, and generally behavior that is destructive and negative, for all concerned, except for those who make the series who make the awake the series.
A good marriage is not about good marriages or leaving the real world, not in the fantasy world, which is neither born nor beautiful. So very important to understand this.
The next question was, is The Seven Year Itch based on statistics or research and in your mind as it exists?
Now, this is what people say, Well, you know, after seven years, people started looking around and that's when marriages break up when people start having affairs. I don't think there's any such thing
looking outside your marriage for companionship, which can then lead to
a breakup is a sign of intrinsic unhappiness.
If you feel it, the thing to do is to deal with it not look outside. The problem is seven year reaches is that every seven years you are older and less desirable than where will you go. So it is very important if there is a problem, to face the problem and to talk about it and to resolve it between the spouses. And by all means do take help. Sometimes it is very useful to take the help either have a professional counselor or have a family friend or have
Have an elder who both parties respect. And who can be objective, the important thing is that whoever
tries to help, you must not side with one or the other, they must be objective. And both parties must be willing to listen to some home truths. And the person helping you should have the
courage and should have the moral capital to be able to tell you what you need to hear, not only what you want to hear, so this is very important. If somebody who's just, you know, playing along is not a good counselor for you. So do take help if you need to.
Then they asked me this question, how important are children to have a happy marriage, some couples cannot have children, others choose not to. I my, in my opinion, I don't think children either make a marriage happy or unhappy. It is more than upbringing that makes the home happy or not. One of the things which children do is their very presence is a huge distraction is a huge sink for your time and attention. And of course, obviously, finances and so on. So in some cases, we find spouses drifting apart because of children. Because both the mother and the father are so interested in the children or, you know, either genuinely interested or just forced into it, because now the children
are there. So they have to be fed and watered, and they have to be taken to school and back and this class and that class is given that gift, with the result that the spouses tend to drift apart.
On the other hand, children also give the parents a common interest. But for the marriage, if the only thing in common is children, then something is wrong, something very serious wrong. On the converse, on the converse, side, as I said, children take can take a lot of time and attention and energy. And that can be difficult to handle for many people. But if the spouse is sharing the work of raising children, and take the trouble to raise them well, with good manners, values, attitudes, and they can be a huge asset for the marriage. And it's very important in this case, to
make the children a part of your family in all that you say and all that you do in all your activities.
If you just farm out your children to you know, nannies and daycare centers, and then when they come home to iPads and smartphones, then neither are the children being raised properly nor is this good is this going to help you in the marriage involved children in the house in the in your work, take them out, go with them joint you know, joint family outings and sharing, take them I seem to think only in terms of outdoor things, but that's my nature. So take them fishing, take them camping, take them stargazing
and so on and so forth, show them the world and help to help them help them understand that
if you if you build these kinds of common sharing, then you find the children become a very few and big and beautiful assets in the in the marriage.
next question was What can couples do to keep the spark alive in a marriage that is very important with appreciation, appreciate each other and express this appreciation on a daily basis. I even tell people to keep a register to keep a book
in a in a common common place, you know, on a private, so not that other people could see just the two of you, but keep it where it's accessible to both people. And as you pass the day, write something in it write something nice for your spouse in that, right. And then when their spouse comes in the this is anticipation Oh, let me see what what is my husband didn't what my wife didn't. And you and you look at it. We I mean, I had this view my wife and I had this in our house for for some time soon after we got married defined and we found it very, very
beneficial. Somebody suggested like I can't recall now. But may Allah bless. It was very beneficial, but just keeping something where you write something good to each other. In that it may sound it may seem artificiality, but it is something that should be done. Don't worry about whether it feels artificial or not. The problem The reason I'm saying that is because for many people,
we for some funny reason we are very embarrassed about saying something good. We criticize very easily. But to appreciate to say you know something is a very beautiful thing we do it and I have seen so nice to having come to the house because this house you've mentioned it so well and I am so grateful to you. You go out every day and you
work and so on, and you come back and, you know, I know you're doing it for me. I mean, these are things which should be said, right? Now people think oh, but you know, she knows or he knows, he may know. But still it is important to say, see Allah subhanaw taala? Who knows everything? What did Allah say Allah swatter is in line Ceccato. The Aziza know, while in covered them in the US, Who is Allah said, if you are thankful to me, I will increase if you if you express your thanks, if you show your thanks, if you express your gratitude, I will increase my blessing on you. And if you are ungrateful, then beware My punishment is severe. Now, if when you say it about somebody doesn't, you
know doesn't? You know, my question is, does it Allah? No, then why did Allah subhanaw taala tell us to do this, it's not a matter of whether
somebody knows or not, it's a matter of you, do you express your happiness, your opposition to somebody for what they have been doing for you,
day or night. So keep this keep keep register, right. Another very important thing is to have your own language, write your own pet names, the way you call each other. Some key phrases which which, which are which are shared, and this has to be completely covered. It's just confidential between the two of you. That's why I'm not telling you for example, what Mike my wife and I, what kind of our own language which we, which we speak by language, I don't mean, you know, acne or Telugu or, you know, I mean, the these the marriage in the language in the marriage.
The words we speak what we say to each other, obviously, I will not share it with you, because that's supposed to be confidential between the two spouses. But make it for yourself, at what you call each other. How do you speak to each other? What do you say to each other, these are very beautiful ways of this is the glue. This is the adhesive that keeps the
catch each other doing something right, instead of catching them doing something wrong.
Sometimes I see people waiting for somebody to make a mistake, then you pick I see what you did. Instead of that one done in advance, tell them look, do this language. Second thing is they when they do something good. Say it, open your mouth and talk, open your mouth and talk it's about you. So say appreciate, appreciate something good.
Do things to one another just to see a smile on the face,
bring a flower, bring a whatever, give something just to show that Oh, I was thinking of you. It's not a mechanical thing. Every time you go out somewhere you're shopping for saris? No, it's a question of what you like to do. And what what what he or she likes. And you've taken the trouble to, to do that for them.
As I said, you know, invent your own language. They are to, you know, talk to each other.
give you flowers and gifts, chocolates, I mean, all of this, what are you once again, it's not a matter of a particular thing, you know, you only flowers on the chocolate, whatever is good for you, but give something which the other person likes.
then one other very important thing is keep your mouth shut
until you teach you a trick, right? Don't react to everything which the other person says. So what must you do? First of all, take 10 Deep breaths
that's to take 10 and then forget it.
Forget whatever they say.
Do not react.
Because reactions produce reactions and that is a never ending thing and it takes the thing out of your hands.
Finally, never ever go to bed mad at each other.
Whatever happened in the day, always make up before you go to bed. And then cuddle up and sleep.
Right? Never put it in the bedroom. Never in the bed. Make this a rule.
If you have a problem deal with it in the morning, right? Usually by the morning it would have sorted itself out. But if we didn't deal with it the morning but no, don't go to bed with a problem. Don't. Don't fight in bed, don't fight in the bedroom. If you had a fight, finish it
ended make up before you go into the bedroom and then hug each other and cuddle up and sleep taught Don't
you know don't do this cold treatment of you are in pointing in one direction and he or she is pointing the other direction and all that please do not do this to do that. That's a very very destructive thing. The bedroom must be a completely safe harbor.
With no storms in there. The whole house should be what at least in the house, the bedroom right? Sanctum Sanctorum. Now, then the question they asked me was
is fighting healthy? Well, depends on what is meant by fighting.
If it's if you by fighting you mean trying to get the better of each other and argument then is not healthy. And also especially using all kinds of means, amounting to emotional blackmail and stuff. Definitely it is not healthy to sick.
If it means arguing in a friendly, you know, like a fencing match between equals equal intellects, which leads to a good feeling, then, of course, it is nice.
Now, again, avoid power games, the worst thing that happens in marriages as power games trying to get the better, we shall avoid these like the plague. Many marriages, they turn into daily competition between the spouses to is to see who can control the other. Now, this takes many apparently benign alleged about form, but they're all of the illegitimate, there are some verses and they're destructive to the marriage.
Another one is, some people use religion as a means of control. And they invoke religious rulings and,
you know, the
the court does share and that chair, right.
And all sorts of religious rulings when it comes to trying to impose something on on the spouse, please understand, by that you are not only destroying credibility in yourself, but you also put the religion at stake. And unless the other is under the spouse is well grounded in religion, he or she will start disliking the religion itself. So you are doing a disservice to yourself and you're doing a disservice to, to Islam or to your religion to please
don't do that, right.
In many cases I've seen it is usually it is the men who have who are suffering from an inferiority complex who have not done anything significant in their lives, who suddenly they can sense that they don't really come on any respect on their own. And they use religion and religious rulings to enforce the to enforce their will on women.
And you have to obey me and blah, blah, blah, please.
We met on the other hand to use religion to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy, where they feel that they are not loved or desired, as much as they would like to be. Now should is the most useless word in the language. If people did what they should, then the word would be a very different place. both spouses need to look at the real drivers behind their apparent religious orientation, because it has nothing to do with the almighty with a lot smarter. power grid power games come in many packages. Spouses use children, as their ponds in power games and at getting the better of each other. Others use health concerns, they eat more, eat less joint family rules,
cultural taboos, and many other all our power games, and all our destructive. Please stop playing power games in a marriage. They are like setting fire
to a wooden house.
And 17 How important is money to keep a marriage heavy, not important at all. Not important,
both financial hardship and plenty can be a source of bonding or a source of drifting apart.
It is mutual respect and concern for each other. That counts. And that is a result of character of piety, of learning, of nobility of contract and Department of confidence of trustworthiness of dignity of grace, genuine desire to please one another.
And to place the need of the other before and above. Once on
each of these words, think about it. Reflect on them. None of these are things that money can buy.
Or that we need money for. If you want to see how
money is important for happy marriage, just look at the lives of the of the grid billionaires that we like to quote all the time.
Right? Practically every single one of them except Warren Buffett.
He's either divorced or getting a divorce
And they have they're billionaires, not even millionaires. So money doesn't buy them happiness, right?
It's the character of a person,
the respectability of a person.
If you can't be faithful to your spouse, you are you have no character. You're not a respectable person.
So very, very be very clear in your mind.
And that's why I say that money
Problems are not money problems even when they are money problems. If you see what I mean, right
now 18 question, what are the worst things that couples can do to a marriage?
Lying, betraying trust, cheating and playing ballgames.
absolutely destructive. Another very destructive thing, which many people do almost routinely, which is making fun of each other fun off not having fun with each other, making fun of each other are mocking each other in front of other people.
And showing disrespect in the name of human
humans to love with someone not at someone.
Lastly, but by no means the least by being overly self focused. And showing disregard and no concern for
honesty is still the best policy.
And it will be the best policy always be honest.
Do not be dishonest in your marriage, don't cheat, don't carry on an affair behind your spouse to back
apart from being haram and the ultimate Allah
it's something which is
which is really a reflection of the kind of person you are. And I hope you're not the kind of person
number 19 Should people resort to white lies or tiny lies to keep the peace.
Now there's a difference between telling lies and not divulging all details. So sometimes they don't even lie even even
as a just as a joke. But not divulging all details is sometimes wise, there is no need to say everything to everyone. So, for example, in a marriage, when you're getting married,
not talking about whatever friendships and so on, you may have had before the marriage, it is not wrong, it is actually a very wise thing to do. Because many people cannot handle that kind of information.
And if you talk about all your great conquest or your your, you know losses, and all the old friends that you have left all around the marketplace, this is going to sow the seeds of future problems in your marriage.
So live a clean life. And whatever happened happened make this the fourth hour. And even if it was nothing wrong, even if it was just a friendship and so on so forth, keep it out keep there's no need to divulge and you know, vomit everything which is inside you. This
is something that is does no good.
And no matter how, you know broad minded the spouses, sometimes it can cause problems. But telling a lie is not acceptable in any situation. Because it is against the grain of everything which I have said to you.
You can't be you can't be tell lies and be honest at the same time. And of course, in our religion it is it is prohibited stayed away. I mean, there's no telling right now, things like don't use telling white lies, because that's a racially colored bias term like Black Sheep nightmare, black heart, and so on is the legacy of English, which is originally the white man's language. And a knight in shining armor
can be all black to black shines more than white if you notice.
So be very careful with the kind of language use. Now having said that, telling the truth inappropriately or in a harsh manner also does not do any good. Being silent is an option.
That's what it's going to really seriously. Being silent, for example, in the toaster is burned or the food has no salt or something, not to your liking. There are many ways of saying it, but you also have the option of remaining silent in honor of all the times that it was delicious.
If the husband comes home cranky, irritating, but you have the option to remind yourself that a nice cup of tea and talking about something else is probably more productive than saying don't bring your office home.
We are behind me. I've been all here I don't I'm not interested in listening to your problems. That doesn't work. Right? Well, how does it help?
You hear me justified to say that, but sometimes it's better to be kind than to justify
diplomacy or wisdom or great virtues and most useful in the marriage.
Not rubbing their nose in it is also very wise.
Turn away gracefully. Don't watch their discomfiture. Spouses realize that they are wrong but may not necessarily grovel at your feet and beg forgiveness. It's wise to leave them alone.
and not demand groveling. people's dignity is more important to maintain. So be it in a management unit negotiation or domestic disagreement or in a marriage, it's important to allow the one who is wrong to save face to insist on humiliating them is to burn bridges to future relationships. Remember that you are also human and surely will be wrong one day, don't create a situation where the other is waiting for that day to return your favor.
May Allah subhanaw taala help us to
do what is pleasing to Him and help us to
have marriages which are
which means of great joy and delight and inshallah we will talk more about this
later in the next session in general. What's going on?