Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #15
Channel: Mirza Yawar Baig
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salam ala Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala shuffelin ba when Ali Muhammad Rasul Allah is Allah, Allah Holly, who are Ali was Abu Salam to Steven diffirent cathedra.
From abajo, my brothers and sisters, we are on the issue of marriage.
And what makes it what breaks it?
And I come to the point number 10, which is what are the question number 10? What are the core responsibilities of the spouses and other different for the man and the moon. Now, this is something which in Islam, it's very, very clear.
Islam operates on the
on the principle of equity, not equality.
When it comes to gender, relationships, and responsibilities, because equality is unequal equality actually is unfair.
equality means everybody gets the same responsibility, everyone gets to carry the same weight, whether a person is an ant or an elephant. Now, that weight might crush the and completely and destroyed whereas, whereas the elephant will not even feel the weight. Islam does not believe in this Islam believes in responsibilities, in accordance with the strength of the person and with understanding of their weaknesses.
What a person can do best is what they are, is what is given to them as the core responsibility for themselves.
So in Islam, the man has the core responsibility of being the wage earner, and the provider for his family. And the definition of family is,
is not the same as in a Western thinking concept. In Islam, the family is the man his wife, his children, and it also includes the parents of the man. And it also includes, if need be,
his siblings, if they are in any need, and so on. All this is responsible is the responsibility of the man. For the woman, her responsibility is her husband, and her children and her parents.
And responsibility, the sense
for let me come back, let me reword that for the man that responsibilities in terms of providing sustenance, maintenance, money, whatever they need.
For the woman, the responsibility is,
in raising good children.
And in maintaining the home and in and in guarding,
and being responsible for the property
of her husband. And of course, obviously, of ourselves. So it is responsibilities divided. So she's the woman does not have to go out there and earn money. That's not her responsibility. Whereas for the man, this is his responsibility.
We am not deliberately going into the differences of the rights of men and women, we'll do that separately. And you some of you might be very surprised to know what the rights of women are in Islam. But for the moment, the core responsibility of the man is to work and earn a living and take care of the financial
responsibilities and the financial
needs of the family.
The corresponds ability of the woman is to make the home a place of beauty and grace and harmony and to focus on the raising of children.
Imam Abu Hanifa Angela Lee even went to the extent of saying that a man is not only required to provide food for the house, but he's required to provide a cooked hot meal for his wife and children.
Now, how he how he does that, whether he cooks it himself or whether he you know, gets it from somewhere else. That's, that's his responsibility. So the whole this whole concept, especially in our South Asian cultures of the woman being relegated to the kitchen. This is not from Islam. This is South Asian.
The woman has been created for making some more 1000 angiopathy than Barack has no, this is not from Islam. This is South Asian in nature. This came from our non Islamic South Asian cultures.
This may sound a bit old fashioned to you but if you look at the
result of the,
of our, what are called yuppie puppy cultures,
you might be, you know, you might come around to this way of thinking,
of giving responsibility and of making what is really important important.
your children to be raised by your devices, you know, by your iPads and iPhones is a very, very bad idea.
It's an extremely bad idea
the children must be what must be inculcated to the children is,
is the ethics and the values and the morals
of Islam office of Buddhist young people and believe me, there's no difference I mean, is the same ethics values, morals we talk about are good for everybody, if they would like to inculcate that in their children, and that won't happen unless you believe in those values yourself. So they everything begins from there.
Now, responsibility, naturally, also, when we say core responsibility, I said core responsibility of the man is
outside the house.
core responsibilities, omen is inside the house meaning for the raising of children, obviously, there is a sharing of responsibility the man is
most is required to is this is recommended for him that he also participant was his father's, he also participates in the raising of the children. And of course, always, you know, work around the house, and so on and so forth. Just popping our feet up on a,
on a chair before the television with
eating popcorn, or someone's or whatever this is not. This is not what is recommended in in Islam.
So watch the car, water the garden, mow the lawn, take out the garbage, all of this is part of the responsibility of the man. Similarly, once the mom has taken care of her core responsibility, then it's good if she also what is the garden, washes the car goes along, takes out the garbage, and doesn't sit in there in front of the TV, with her feet propped up, and a bowl of popcorn at her elbow. Now women generally don't do that, that kind of stuff. So I'm just seeing this more as a joke. But men do so they should really think about it.
Seriously, now, all the stuff that I've said is not may not apply in every culture.
So you know what, whatever passes for it's in your culture. So the core responsibility for the peripheral responsibilities, which we need to do in order to live a
The important thing in all of this is to remember that in a marriage, the primary purpose is the raising of children. And the raising of children is not simply to feed them and give them a dry bed. You do that for your puppy, and your cat, not for your child.
Children, children need a lot more than food and clothing and shelter. If you want to develop a human being who will be your legacy to the world, a means of sattva Jharia for us for you. If that is what you want to do, then you have to do a lot more than just feeding them.
Now, I seriously believe that effectively as parents, you need to dedicate yourself to that because it is that important.
The problem is that most
I don't say all but definitely the vast majority of parents become parents almost by accident.
The when it hits them, they suddenly realize that you know what did i What did I get? I didn't bargain for this. Well, you may not have bargained for it, but you got it. And that's the reason why it's very important to
have your wide eyes wide open and decide that you want children and be clear in your mind about what that means in terms of
of your responsibilities. A child is not a toy. It's not a little doll. It grows up. It has issues, it has problems, it has strengths, it has weaknesses, and you are to a great extent, the architects of all of that and you are COVID extend the architect of the future of the challenge and
sooner and quicker. You realize that I think the happier everyone all around will be
TAC, I've met a lot of parents who struggled very hard. And I'm talking about struggling as in for their financial well being. They struggle very hard in the early stages of their lives. And who says to say to themselves and everyone else with great feeling and the tears in their eyes, I will never allow my children to have that kind of a struggle.
I will never allow my children to face the kind of hardship that I had to face.
So when I hear the statement, I say to them, please change the wording of this thing, when you say it next time, say, I will never allow my children who have the power that I have to succeed.
So suddenly, they get a, they suddenly become, they have a shock? And they say, No, no, I'm not saying that's exactly that's what you're saying. The thing that you want to take away from your children the strength that you have, by which you succeeded, but you do not want your child to have that strength. That how do you think you build that strength, you build a strength by facing hardship build, that you build that strength by going through hardship, by facing the challenge, by getting up by rising every time you fail in your life. And you're saying, I'm going to make sure that my child never falls that my child is never runs, my child never has to face any difficulty?
very different outcome of that is that your child will be handicapped in the most important ways, which is that he or she will not have the strength to face hardship, because they will never face it. But you will not be able to protect them from hardship, think about is you can protect them while they are in your control prop perhaps, but in life, you will not be able to protect them. And when the first hardship hits them, it will probably knock them out. Because they will have they will have they would have had no experience of facing hardship and of coming out of it confidently, and when it hits them, it's gone.
Right, so think about this.
So if you
many people don't, don't see it like this, and I think it's it's time you did, if you protect your child, and you don't allow them to enter the fray of life and compete,
to get their nose bloody in the struggle to cry with frustration in the night and to stand before Allah subhanaw taala and beg him for his help.
And then learn to dry the tears, and work out new alternatives. If you allow him or her to come running to you and lend him your shoulder and box of tissues, for their tears. And remember, you are the worst enemy of the chance. You father, your mother or the worst enemy of the side, you're programming them for failure, you are willing to, you're writing the script, to destroy their life and to make a parasite out of them, who will never have the respect to the world and will forever live in a state of mediocrity, laboring under a better sense of self worth, which in many cases comes out in the form of aggression, and overpowering control on the spouse, who was the only one on
whom he can vent his spleen. Now, I have
very sad to say that I have seen this in
in at least two cases
in my life with parents who were themselves amazing people there was so
I mean, there were there were good in every way. And they had to at the peak of their positions that struggled and succeeded. They became mentors for so many people, when their own children came out completely worthless because of this having to live under the shade of this father,
or this mother, who refuse to let them fend for themselves refused to let them take any risk, because it was so over protective of them. And the same thing translates goes into the marriages, where you have these, in this case, forgive me for saying that, but
in my experience, I've never seen a father doing that I've seen the mother doing it all the time, which is the mother becomes this. This within quotes great confidant of her daughter, and has these night long conversations with the daughter with the daughter moaning and groaning about her marriage and the mother giving her
you know, giving her giving her ideas and solutions so to speak.
Globe asking for blow by blow accounts of
the boxing match that they have converted their marriage into and then suggesting will say this to Him and do this to him. You know, that destroys a marriage faster than anything that I that I can imagine. That's the fastest district destroyer on Earth. So please do not under do not do not do this to your children.
strength. So let them struggle opposition teaches how to fight in the struggle of life difficulty, teaches how to win.
If there was no Goliath, David would have remained a shepherd boy, that was the lesson and became the king. I became, of course, Allah subhanaw taala given the word, but he came to Providence because of the
of the one step that he took forward, when Duluth called him and will call for a volunteer to fight against Duluth, against Goliath. The other is, David stepped forward. If that one step, if he hadn't taken then he would not have seen what he had seen. And that's why it's very important. Many parents don't understand this and they are the architects of their children's destruction. Tragically with the best of intentions, don't do that, do not do that to children do not do that to marriage. Many parents equate expense with quality and they give their children the most expensive education which insulates them from the realities of life. And so they never learn to fight the real battles. They
think that giving their children all the
latest toys, latest gadgets
are taking them on expensive holidays, that this is what constitutes life, believe me, this just this does not constitute like this is this is completely and totally destructive. So do not do that. To your to your to your child.
The problem with giving expensive toys
to give them as a standard where they learn to define human value. In terms of material worth. The best kids are those who have the best choice. This is what translates later on in life into so called concept of net worth. And which is purely only money is not measured in character. It's not measured in, in knowledge in land in being learned. It does not measure in your output and contribution for the benefit of society. Right. I was talking to a friend of mine, and he was telling me about his school,
which has children who are given
food in the school, the school gives them a lunchbox because without that that child would get no food at all because parents are druggies or alcoholics. And this is America, the richest country in the world.
and the children in this freezing weather they have no course they have no they have no and people aren't the same. Can you please send some money for the children of course so that they have they feel warm, and they can they can go to work. And they can go to school, you know with
proper clothing. Imagine how tragic that is. And then the children are fighting over toys.
Like Chris was going today's so called Black Friday.
And that is chopping, chopping, chopping. This is the these are the values that you're giving me. Imagine we are completely this society is destroying itself. And like all societies, we destroy themselves, they don't see it.
They do not see. So the best kids are those with the best toys. The willing God's best people are those who have highest net worth, to hell with their character to help with their
with their compassion and kindness and learn nothing that nothing matters, except how much money do you have? The whole of whatever this is, this is what Islam is directly against.
Parents who do that they insulate their children from poverty, from the provision from lack of resources and therefore and thereby they protect them from being exposed to the power of drive of ambition, of single minded focus on achieving big, ambitious, scary goals. They build walls between their children and the people who they must, in the end deal with
people who will one day work in their organizations and decide their fate. People who need to be inspired and led and cared for and supported.
And therefore, people who must be understood, not simply in order to do good and be charitable, but because
the success of the business and the family depends on the development of these people, the great multitude
foreign parents ignored.
Or maybe they forget
the fact that one day the time will come for the soft little mollycoddle *cat to enter the jungle of the real world without any of the tools it needs to survive much less to lead others and it is a painful thing to see. It is very, very painful. I wish they would have seen that in in at least two cases, if not more. And just as a as an
I was a disinterested because I'm interested but as an observer, to observe itself is so terribly painful and imagine what it must be for that poor by now 40 year old, no longer kid,
and to have to be, and when they look at their father, look at their mother is amazingly capable, competent person and you'd ask yourself what went wrong.
And I know exactly what went wrong. What went wrong was this overprotective urge, that is the biggest killer. It's like
trying to grow a plant under the shadow he was oak tree, it will never grow, it will never grow or trying to raise plants or trees in a greenhouse and not exposing them to the atmosphere, because then the first gust of wind will knock them flat.
And this is very ways this is so critically important.
Children will be supported, not protected, they must be advised but not told what to do, they must be allowed to make their own decisions. But without the benefit of the frame of reference of the of the value
on fairness, responsibility, accountability in engineering leadership, if they are allowed to be
to make decisions without the benefit of these things, then they will go definitely go wrong. And that is where the parents come in, the parents come in, because you give them you don't tell them what to do when you give them the framework, which they will use in order to make good decisions. Children will be allowed to feel to cry in the night for the hardships that others undergo on their own for others.
To build friendships, to build friendships and relationships that span the boundaries of color of race, or religion or nationality, and much more difficult social order and prejudice. They must learn that to be poor and to be honorable are not mutually exclusive. Just as to be rich and to be honorable, are not the same thing. And don't have an automatically, rich people are not necessarily honorable, because we have plenty of examples of
scoundrels come in suits.
dilemmas learned that virtue is a state of mind, a stance, a decision, a position that one takes not because one, not because someone is watching, but because of one's own sense of identity. I don't do this because I am me.
I don't do this because in our family, we don't do these things. And this is all referring to honorable things. Sense of watching, by Allah subhanaw taala
must be deliberately taught the value of learning and to value those who provide it, teachers of all kinds, not only in schools,
children are not taught to respect their elders, or respect their teachers are deprived on the blessing of knowledge. Today, this, this is a prevalent disease, with many of the young and ignorant, they remain ignorant. And the choice
to remain ignorant
is a choice
and life threatening choice.
We need to learn to value knowledge and to go to those who provide it and to approach them with humility, and with genuine interest and seek the knowledge and to value that knowledge.
Today even go to teachers with a critical attitude to go to the teacher to judge the teacher.
And so, thereby, you deprive yourself of the benefit of the teaching.
I say to you, I do because of who I am.
And I become because I do I do because of who I am. And I become because I do. It's a it's a virtuous cycle.
Children must know that our actions define us, they must learn that people will define them on the basis of both what they owed and what they contributed. But they will honor them only for what they contributed not what they want.
Because we are remembered, not for what we had, but for what we give.
Only when they are taught to focus on contribution from the earliest childhood. Will they be able to fight the force of consumerism
that is focused on consumption,
blind self centered consumption that in the end will consume all of us
if you allow it to
proliferate and challenged
and if you don't agree, don't have children. Seriously, that's far better than producing children.
About a nuisance at best, and a painful reality in the lives of others. As long as the
next question that I was asked,
whose responsibility is it to make a marriage happy? That sounds like a dumb question, isn't it? I mean, naturally, it's the responsibility of both people, both parties. Like in an agreement, it is important to recognize and accept this responsibility so that you will then do what it takes to fulfill it. As I mentioned about, and as I've been saying, all this way,
I advocate actually sitting down and having a dialogue, before you get married, about what each one is supposed to do. And say, talk about responsibility. This is what I expect. From myself, this one expects from you, are we in agreement,
say to each other and agree on it. And don't leave it to guesswork and discovery that leads to misunderstanding and disappointment. A good marriage is a dream. To make it come true. You must wake up
If you expect your wife to cook for your friends who will bring home from time to time see it.
And also say what time to time means
if you expect your husband to pick up the food on the way home with his friends from the restaurant, say that
if you expect you have to make breakfast for you and sit with you watching you get outside you can toast say that
if you expect your husband to bring eggs and toast to you,
in bed, and that's a quite honorable thing.
I'd much rather brush my teeth and go out and eat rather than eating the bed. But anyway,
if you expect that to happen so that
what I mean is that in marriage, it's often the so called silly things that lead to trouble. So silly or not said if it is important for you.
ask Allah subhanaw taala to
to give you beautiful marriages, and to be pleased with you and help you to live lives which are
beneficial for you. To help you to live a married life that will be full of beauty and grace and harmony and peace and which will be a source of great satisfaction for your children. And may Allah give you children that you can be proud of and who will be inshallah a means of sadaqa jariya for you. Well Salah will Karim Allah Allah He was me his name there
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