Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #12
Channel: Mirza Yawar Baig
File Size: 27.86MB
I don't know evil hamdulillah lb Alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Silla, philam bi evil mousseline, Mohammadu Rasulullah, sallAllahu, alayhi, wa sallam, de Sleeman, Kathira and cathedra from ababu. My brothers and sisters, we are on our lesson of leaving Islam on the subject of marriage.
We ask Allah subhanaw taala to be pleased with our learning and teaching and enable us to do things which are
which are permitted by him do things which please Him and to stay away from everything that does not please Him.
Now on the subject of
arranged marriages, which is quite common in our society,
we must also look at something related which is the permissibility of
inter gender relationships. In Islam, a woman
is not is not prevented from following any face, any profession, or any occupation that she wishes,
as long as she can physically do it. So she can be aeroplane pilots, she can be a bulldozer drivers, he can be in the military, she can be the police, she can be a governor of a state. She can be, you know, academic, and there are, especially in the in the area of academics, that is a huge, huge, huge
presence of women scholars.
my dear friend and brother and my teacher,
Chef, Academy nadvi, Don Mercado
has written a book called amata, which is in 50 volumes, five zero volumes, which has brief biographies of over 9000 Women scholars of Hadith alone.
So the interesting thing, one of my good friends here, why is the one asked me, asked me to relate the story to him, which I mentioned in another football.
I was in Oxford, once and Shakra used to teach in Oxford at the time, and I was at his house. So I asked him, I said how and he was very kind, he presented me with the English translation of the Mocha Dima, the introduction to Alma desert and the Mocha itself is 300 pages. So share Cockram present, I asked him, I said, How did this come about? How did you, you know, get the idea of writing this book. So he said to me that one of the orientalist scholars of of Islam in Oxford challenged, and they had some, not an argument, but a discussion on on women and women's rights. And this man, he made an allegation and he said that Islam oppresses women and Islam denies women, the
right to education. So she said, this is a absolute falsehood. This is a baton, this is this is literally slander. Because this completely and totally false. So this man said to challenge him, he said, If you can give me the names of five female scholars, women scholars,
excuse me, of Islam, I will take by my words, she had said to me, I started researching for female scholars of Islam, and he's talking only about Islamic Studies. They're not looking here at women, doctors and engineers, only Islamic studies. So he said in Islam, the Islamic sciences, he said, I started looking, he said, I found so many that I realized that this research of mine would be completely impossible because the numbers were huge. So he said, I decided to narrow the focus of my research. And I've decided arbitrarily so I just decided to focus on the Mohammed the SAT the female, scholars and teachers of Hadith. So remember, now he's not talking about the teachers of
Tafseer, or the the teachers of fear or any of the other Aloma Koran. The teachers of Sierra know, he's talking only about the teachers of Hadith.
He said that, I started that, and he is going right from the Sahaba downwards. And one of the Sahaba, one of the great female scholars of Hadith. In the lifetime of a surah. Cecil himself was,
say that the OMA data or the Allahu Unha, the wife of Buddha lanseria, the Alon who himself was a scholar, so omega Delana was a
was a great scholar of Hadith.
And she used to give dollars in masa Nawaz Sharif, she would sit on the number of hospitals and Salem and she would give this, the men would be in front and behind the men would be the women. And on one occasion, after malignant Marwan who was the Khalifa, now he was in Medina, and he came to her, she sat in her thoughts. And when it was time for Salah, he led the Salah and omega, prayed behind with the women. Now, she told me that when he when he reached, and he had found 9000 9000, the man wanted five shares, igennem found 9000 teachers and scholars of hobbies alone.
And he said that his book, this book has short biographies of each of them, which traces their journeys where they traveled, who they learned from and so on. Now, he said, 9000 scholar, female scholars have hobbies. And he said that when this book reached 50 volumes, the publisher that he was working with said to him, please stop this research, because there is nobody who will publish this, that 50 volumes is no set no point in publishing something, and nobody will do it. I mean, you say it'll cost so eventually, the book got published by if I'm not mistaken, by the, by the Kingdom of Morocco, by the by the by the standard. But the point is the book the book is published, and it is
available now. And it's an Arabic though the whole book, but the Mocha diva, the the the
introduction is in English do read it.
So, therefore, the my idea of saying this is also you know, so that we get from the lie, which is that women are not prevented from doing anything and studying anything and teaching anything. And being in any occupation. Now,
only condition is and the same condition applies to the men, which is that they must follow the Sharia with respect to their appearance, their clothing, and with respect to interacting with the opposite gender. So for men and women, both the restriction on clothing is that the clothing must cover the full body, and the clothing must not be transparent and the clothing must not be so tight as to show the shape of the body. So men walking around in T shirts, skintight T shirts to show up their muscles. And in shorts. This is not permissible in Islam, please understand that.
If you go for Salah in shorts or Salah is not valid.
So it's not a restriction on women alone. The only additional restriction
on women a requirement rather, is to cover the head because the hair is such an attractive feature, the multi billion trillion dollar cosmetic industry in hair styling products. So two, as proof of my point, that the hair is so attractive, that a woman is not supposed to flaunt that and to show it in public. And she's of course free to show it to her husband, but And at home, but outside she is supposed to wear a hijab. Now, even for the men, it's preferred to cover your head as a mark of dignity. It's not haram to to be bareheaded. But it is preferable to to cover your head as a mark of dignity even for the men, but it is no it's not a requirement.
Now, therefore, you might say, well, if I cannot talk to a woman, if a woman cannot talk to a man, how do we find a spouse? Now a couple of things first of all, in work situations, you are permitted to talk you are permitted to interact related to the work right so we're not talking here about flirting and having sort of, you know, heartfelt conversations looking deeply into each other's eyes, you're talking about work related
interaction in a way Believe me,
if you really want to assess somebody,
it is far better
although may not be possible always but far better and far more accurate to assess the reality of a person when you see them in a work situation rather than in a at a party or rather than on a date or rather than on you know, just interaction social interaction, because people are always on their best behavior in those things, but when they are working as if you see somebody working see how they treat their subordinates, see how they are punctual or not punctual see the quality of their output. You know, are they particular about cleanliness or they are particular about about giving out a product which is really worthy of themselves.
they do do the ticker to have a sense of pride in their work in the in the in how they present things Believe me this has this is far more accurate
in in helping you assess what kind of man or what kind of woman that is rather than going out on a date because then both of them are on their best behavior anyway.
So Islam says no you know dates no
no partying and no socializing, but work related interaction is possible. So, one place where you can potentially find a spouse Inshallah, may Allah give you good spouses is to your work, where you are interacting with somebody, you meet somebody there you find somebody there and you see that this person is
is suitable, then you can take it further not taking it further in Islam. The procedure is that you as a man, I'm talking to the men here, you as a man, you must approach the Wali of the lady that you ask her Can I can I talk to your father
or whoever the only the Father, uncle brother, whichever person the man in the house, you must approach them and seek their permission to marry their word to marry the daughter or niece or whoever right and in that context, then you can say well, this is what I would like to do. So am I can you permit me to meet her and to speak to her. Now, this is permitted in Islam it is permitted as I mentioned earlier also in one of the lectures, it is permitted, it is recommended it is something which is I believe, highly necessary that you meet and you
speak to each other, directly face to face.
Second thing is, even if the girl is somebody who wears a niqab, I could notice thanks to COVID we are always wearing the cups. But even if the girl is somebody who wears makeup, she is permitted to remove not as permitted, she is instructed to remove her makeup in two situations. One when she is speaking to a potential
groom, a potential husband. And two when she is giving witness in a court of law.
They're also she's supposed to take her niqab off for the judge to be able to see her face because facial expressions are part of what a judge looks at to assess the truthfulness of the statement of the witness. Right. So by looking at the face, they will know whether you are fudging things or you're speaking the truth. In these two situations, even though even the hijab is false, you cannot exam but the niqab you are supposed to take it off in these two situations. And this is in Hereford and others that when you are speaking to a potential husband, remember that both of them are normal. But this is this is the Islams flexibility is need based.
And it is it makes logical sense. You might say, well, you know if I'm allowed to speak to a potential husband without my niqab and if I'm supposed to talk to them face to face, like I do it all the time, no, you can do it only in that situation. Number one, number two, you must do that in a public place. So in a park in a restaurant in a in an open place, where other people are passing by or other people are around. It is not permissible for a man and a woman who are not related to each other, not married to each other not related to each other meaning division, meaning the matter of relationships, cousins are not allowed matter of relationships.
To be together in one room with the door closed.
Ideally, you should not be together at all in one room. But if there is no alternative then you can be in one room with the door open where other people can pass by
and see you but you are not allowed to be in one room with the door shut. Alone. As soon as Allison said if that happens, shaitan is the third one, the Sahaba May Allah bless them and reward them. They asked a question this is Jarocin allah sallallahu sallam, what if the woman is somebody of very high character and they said women because the only men there they were talking, but it applies to both men and women. So it's a what if the woman is
meaning the man is of high character and the woman is also high character which as I've said, even if the woman is Maria Malay, he Salam Maria la Hassan, even if it is Maria, I'm the mother of Isa alayhi wa salam
You are not permitted to be around with them. That this is not a reflection on the wall. It's a matter where as soon as SLM is addressing a psychological issue, which is the attraction, the natural attraction that Allah subhanaw taala has put between men and women. So if the two are in one room, then there is always scope for things to go wrong for things to go back. And for them to fall into some level of disobedience of Allah subhanaw taala, which attracts the punishment of Allah subhanaw taala. And therefore, they said, Do not be alone in one room, because shaitan becomes the third party there and he will lead you astray.
Right? To therefore
talk to your potential husband, but in a public place, and talk to your potential wife, but in a public place, and talk, frankly, and openly. ask all the questions that you need to ask.
Do not be shy, do not
mince around means words, do not dance around the topic, don't be foggy, don't try to be, you know, indirect and did not say what you need to say.
And do it clearly. Okay, no, no beating about the bush, do it clearly. Because it is very good for you
to know everything, or at least as much as possible beforehand, rather than walk blindfolded into a situation just on the basis of physical attraction, and then end up finding all kinds of other things. When the physical attraction wears off, or when other challenges come. And then you find the marriage has
nowhere to go. There is believe me, you know, and I know there are enough and more examples in our society have exactly this happening, not once but over and over and over again.
There is no need to fall into that Islam does not tell you to do that. So what do you do now you go and speak to the valley, the person who's in who's the head of the household of that lady. And then with his permission, you meet the two of you meet and you can talk to each other and so on it this can be done as as much as you want as many times as you want. But again, they put a limit on this is not as if you're carrying on for you know a couple of years.
After a couple of meetings you should know one way or the other
and then fix on the mat. And once you fix on the mat then you
arrange for for the for the new guy and the Nikka ideally speaking should be done in a masjid but it can be done anywhere else. And followed by a walima which will be hosted by the groom by the husband husband pays for the believer, it is permissible for the bride's family to share in that expense if they want because sometimes what happens is you say well, you know, I say where's my daughter, and I want to invite my family and friends and I don't want to put a needless burden on the on the group. So you know, let's split the costs or whatever you This is possible so there's no problem with it. What is not possible and what should not be done is ostentation, in all of this.
What is also not possible in and should not be done is to have unnecessary
functions and unnecessary customs that are nothing to Islam. There are lots and lots of them. We have we have wedding Allah protect us. Hazard about the wedding gone for seven days. 911
Nothing, none of those except for the niqab. There's nothing in that wedding which is and the Oliva is nothing that wedding which Islamic everything else is a you know important from here and there. Please get out of all this. Keep it simple. Keep it clean, keep it the reason I'm saying Mara is he said the Allah puts the most Baraka in the wedding, which has the least expense to decide for yourself do you want expensive Do you want Baraka? And what I say to people all the time? Why do you want to take your money if you are live and I've given you money? Why do I take the money and give it to the hotelier and to the taxi Wallah and the flower person and this one and that one. Give it
to your children. Right? Give it to your children instead of spending that millions on all sorts of nonsense. Which even the same day half an hour after people have left your your your wedding hall if you are struggling and ask them what how was it and what was it described they will not be able to say right? So something which people got won't even remember, let alone and believe me depresses nobody. It doesn't impress anybody with any sense anyway.
So do not do all that if you have that money and you want to spend that money on the on the wedding of your brother of your son or daughter. Give the money to them. Give the money to them invested for them. Buy the one buy them, you know land or a house or apartment or whatever buy them a car
Give them something for themselves.
Right. So don't don't throw the money away unnecessarily let them benefit your own children benefit you have
no problem with it right. Now.
Arranged marriages therefore, I am in favor of it for one very simple reason, which is that it ensures compatibility. See the, to the extent possible, I mean, think about this
in a in the marriage. In any case, there is a huge need for adjustment between the spouses.
Right, they need to adjust one another, they need to be in agreement with one another, and so on. So, now, the more the variables, the more than number of things they have to adjust to, the bigger the problem it becomes. So, it makes eminent sense to have it and do it in a way where the least adjustment is necessary. And that happens if you marry somebody who's very much like you. And this is why this will this is what will happen when it's an arranged marriage because you're in when your mother or father or, you know, some uncle or aunt chooses for you, then they will do somebody like your own culture, community and so forth. And that is good for the long lasting of your marriage.
Remember, no matter what happens,
the final yes or no rests with you rest with the bride and the groom.
Right. And for the women especially please understand this. You cannot force the guru cannot be forced to marry anybody
that you don't want to marry. Islam is very clear about this.
A girl has the right to refuse to marry a man, whoever that man might be whoever may have arranged that marriage, the girl has the right to refuse without giving any reason.
No reason whatsoever.
Right now, for example, and the reason for this, there was a had one of those IBF
called Santa Ana, young young woman, she came to a salon once and she said yes, hola. My father has forced me did my Nika with my cousin. And I want
I want to get out of this. So please annul the marriage. Right?
So the father also was that she came with some of her friends. So there were some other women there.
So as soon as I said, I said to her, obviously the province of Salem will try to put things back together, right? So he said to her,
is there a problem with him? Maybe do is this physical? Anything wrong with him? She said, No, nothing. He said that I just said, Is there anything wrong with his religion? You know, is he not praying or something? I mean, this is dumb. I remember, we don't see these as faults. This is a if somebody if you marry somebody who does not pray,
you are not even sure that you're marrying a Muslim. Because if you're Muslim deliberately leave salah. Right, deliberately, there's no reason. There's no reason why he is not praying. He just doesn't pray, I don't care. I will not pray. That person has exited Islam.
That person is not Muslim anymore.
So but we don't look at this. We don't say Does the person prayed as he prayed regularly? Does he go to the masjid? Right? Does he have the sun on his face? Does he have a beard?
Does she wear a hijab? Does she play regularly? Do they fast in Ramadan? Does he pay zakat does she pays a cat we don't ask these questions.
The only question we ask is What do they earn? Which company do they work for?
How much money does he make in bribes? The whole of what? I've said I've actually seen this.
You reject a cup. We're gonna Hooper goodbye Sunyata.
the visa master.
Is there anything wrong in his religion? He said no, no, yes or nothing.
So then why do you want to break this marriage? Your father thought the best for you. And he chose for you what he thought is best. And you also don't seem to have a problem with that in the sense that there is you are yourself saying that that thing is wrong with the man. Then why do you want to break up this marriage? She said no. I just don't want it. That's it.
So as soon as soon as Adam said, Sure, then in which case I will annul this marriage.
I will declare you both as free.
Then she says no, no, no, please don't do that.
You're asking for something to be done and when the problems are salamis, agree, you say no. She said, Yasser Allah Salah Salem. I just wanted my sisters here to know that a father cannot force his daughter to marry somebody without asking her permission. Right? That's what my father my father is did his marriage. He didn't ask me today Do I like her? He said, I don't mind. I am quite happy with this man. I like him. And I don't want the marriage to be annulled. I just wanted to know to make sure this is correct. I wanted people to know this. May Allah bless her women are complicated people.
So a girl, a woman has the right to reject
a sutra or reject a man without giving any reason.
So before when you arranging marriages, please understand that if you're forcing your daughter to buy somebody, you are committing haram, you're doing something which you have no right to do. No matter how well intentioned intended you might be, no matter how correct you might be in thinking that you will know better than she does.
And please understand if she does not worry, she doesn't want to marry persuasion you're trying to persuade her
can't do that persuade No.
Explain show if you agree 100 She does not agree 100 Do not force Islam does not permit you to force and Islam gives her the absolute right the woman has the right the absolute right to reject without giving any reason.
Similarly, for a woman if she is silent, it is taken as accenting to something assenting to something.
So, my submission to the sisters please do not remain silent.
Right if the when the proposal comes if you are silent, it means you are accepting it.
So do not be so if you don't want to say if you don't want to marry say so clearly.
Islam gives you the right nobody can be offended with that. If they are offended, that's their problem. It's not your problem. You are the one getting married, not them.
So say it clearly.
Right be very, very clear.
We'll come to the subject of living in giant families inshallah.
Next lesson, but for today, I think this is this is enough.
We talked about the
miscibility and the conditions of permissibility. Of, of interaction between genders. We talked about how to give a proposal for marriage for the men. And we talked about a woman's right absolute right, to reject a proposal without giving any specific the reason for that.
I ask Allah subhanaw taala to bless your marriages ask Allah subhanaw taala to give you spouses that you can be proud of that you can look up to role models for you.
They keep saying over and over again. Love comes out of respect
and respect comes out of behaving in ways which inspire respect.
So please remember that don't don't forget that and let us try to implement all of this in our own lives inshallah.
As well as amount of data to enable us to implement this in our life. Please understand our brothers sisters, the world or our perspective, I'm saying the world does not see your salah the world does not see your intention the world sees what we do. And one of the most visible things in the world in society are our managers.
And if we are if we have managers, which are ostentatious, which are wasteful, which, you know, somebody gave me some info about somebody give me an astronomical figure of you know, either 2000 crores or 4000 crores which are spent on on weddings annually. I mean, Allah haram, it The point being that if when we live lives like that, believe me, you're not impressing people, people are laughing at you behind your back. And people are it's a shameful thing to do. And you are really you are bad news for the image of Islam. Don't do that. Don't do that to yourself. Do not do that to a dean, the Dean the Dean does not deserve that. Allah subhanaw taala gave us a beautiful religion.
Let us follow that. In that there is there is beauty in the in that religion for ourselves and for all concerned. So let us present Islam to the world in the best possible way and that is through our through our behavior.
What's up Allah Allah Allah will carry while Allah He was happy and maybe Africa Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah