Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #02

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Mirza Yawar Baig

Channel: Mirza Yawar Baig

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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam O Allah, Gambia even mousseline Muhammad Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he was seldom at the Sleeman kathira and kathira Hama Babu. My dear brothers and sisters in our session are leaving Islam. Let us say we are talking about the institution of marriage in Islam. Now we start with the praise of Allah subhana wa Tada. All praise and thanks to Allah subhanho wa Taala the theater the maintainer, the owner of the universe, all that we know and all that we don't know al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam O Allah, Allah be able mousseline and Peace and blessings and our Salah on the

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best of all creation, the best of all human beings. I should have put them via the best of the of the prophets, the best of the messengers, I should have with MBA well mousseline Muhammad Rasulullah, sallAllahu, Alayhi, wa aalihi, wa sahbihi wa sallam, Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Rasul Allah, the Messenger of Allah subhanho wa Taala to begin with sending our salutations and our Salam on the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and praising Allah subhanaw taala I remind you on myself, that Allah Subhana Allah Allah said,

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for me, nyathi Lagoon mean on fusi kumars wotja Lita schooner, ILA was your alibi nakoma Wanda Tara, in a visa legal team, they called me for karoun which means is one or two room a lot ranil that I said, after our we live in a regime we seek the protection of Allah subhanho wa Taala from the rejected Allah. And among His Signs is this, he creates for you mates out of your own kind, so that you might find contentment later schooner Isla, so that you find so Poon with them.

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And he agendas and he puts love and tenderness between you while buying a comb.

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And he puts between you love and mercy in NaVi Valley Kala iottie licchavi karoun. In these are signs and behold in this our signs and messages indeed for people who reflect and think this is the

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the style of the address of the Quran, where Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us things and, and encourages us to reflect on those things not to just be follow blindly, but to think about those things and to reflect on them and to take heed and lesson from them. My brothers and sisters, as I'm sure you are aware, marriage in Islam is a legal contract. It is a contract between two people in the presence of witnesses, the best of whom is Allah subhanho wa Taala himself before whom the contract is made, and to whom the ones making the contract will be accountable.

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And this is, as Allah subhanho wa Taala

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mentioned

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that Allah said that this contract is something which you seek the

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you seek you seek help from Allah, and Allah is the one who will decide because you are making this contract in keeping with his orders. Therefore, though the marriage in Islam is a legal contract, it is something which is rewardable it is something which is counted as a rather as as worship, if it is done in the way that Allah subhanaw taala told us to do it, which was tossed taught to us by Rasul Allah He Salama honey you on your side reseller

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any brand new and myself Allah subhanho wa Taala in Surah Nisa, Allah subhanho wa Taala said yeah, are you on so topo Rama como la de sanaka Coleman nopsema wahida wahaca amin has Olga Baba best seminoma Cathy wrong manisa what the hola hi lovey Casa Luna be here

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in Allah, Allah Kumara fever. I was running down I said all mankind have Taqwa of your objects. Who created you from a single person are the valet seller and from him Ali Salaam he created his wife how Ali Salaam

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from them both he created many men and women and fear Allah rattle data as punishment via his anger, through whom you demand your mutual rights, which is the mutual rights in a marriage, you demand them through Allah

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and do not cut the relationship of the wombs do not cut relationship of kinship. Surely Allah Subhana Allah data is ever an all watch over you.

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We ask Allah Serrano data to help us to do that which is pleasing to Him and to save us from that which displeases him. So my brothers and sisters, as we can see here, the marriage is a legal contract between two parties, in the presence of witnesses. And we are saying here I'm saying to you, that the presence of two human witnesses obviously is required, but the best of all witnesses is Allah subhanaw taala himself, because he knows what we see and he knows what we do not see which is in our hearts.

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My brothers and sisters, it is therefore essential, that these two people the husband and the wife, the prospective bride and groom,

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are aware and they understand what they are contracting to do. I decided before you and I are from the Quran, where Allah subhanaw taala calls it calls the institution of marriage, one of his signs the ayat of Surah Surah ro, which I decided before you when Allah subhanho wa Taala was dead, I mean it he and Karla caminando Sreekumar from His Signs is that he created and create for you mates among your own kind.

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Now, think about this, that Allah subhanho wa Taala calls this his sign, and then he mentions three qualities of that. Lita su La

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Jolla, binah kumada

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Allah says, the three signs are that he creates for you mates, so that why did he create so that you have peace and harmony and tranquility. Number one, number two, that there is love between you and he put this love between you and three is that you have mercy for each other.

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Unless Randall used three critical words in this is the first word is so cool.

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I love

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that he creates mates for you from your own kind, so that you may find support with them. Now what is support? support is a word that we use in although as well and so I'm sure

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those who speak or do have already me an understanding of that, in Arabic sukoon is the opposite of a hurricane, right. So core is the opposite of movement, hurricane is movement and sukoon is the opposite of movement. Now in Arabic grammar, the equivalent of the

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of the Matra which we have in Hindi in the in devanagari script.

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In Arabic, this is called harakat.

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We have the Fatah Dhamma and kasara, the R and E.

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In order to recall it is about fish.

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All of these are hurricanes. Now,

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which tells us that this letter moves meaning how it is to be pronounced. So, this letter is saying our E or o so it is going one way or the other.

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And this is determined by the height aka the movement

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sign which is under letter. Now in sukoon, when there is su ordenado we call it jump

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in when there is a super on the letter, it means that the letter remains as it is it does not say he or Oh the written letter remains in one place, it will not move and it will be pronounced it is in its original form, unless rantala use the term support as the first word purpose of the marriage right. So please understand this. So goal is the first purpose that you may have tranquility between the two of you. So

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Even if there is no tranquility in our marriage, that our marriage is not performing the function for which it was made.

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Now, Alice rantala said that we he creates made for us, so that we may find so cold with them, so that we find contentment with them. So, that we will find a we may find tranquility with them. The first condition of the contract is that the wish the spouses are undertaking

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is to promise that they will hence for lead their lives in such a way that they will make their companionship, their home, their being together, and their support for one another, a source of contentment, and support and tranquility for each other. This is the first and foremost thing that that the two people, the husband and the wife, the prospective husband and the wife, the bride and the groom are entering into it is very important for you and me to understand what we are doing. Remember a contract is a thing which we are questionable for before Allah Subhana Allah. So if I'm entered into into a contract, I must fulfill that the the conditions of that contract, and the

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condition of the first condition of the marriage is that there should be support in it. And the couple are undertaking and they're saying that in their togetherness in their

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companionship, in their home, in their being together wherever they are, and in support for each other. They are, there is going to be support.

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They are making Allah subhanaw taala himself a witness that hand fence for they will not look elsewhere, other than towards each other for all requirements of their marriage, that their eyes, their ears, their hearts, their feet, will not stray away from their spouse,

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there will be no hierarchy, no movement, away from the spouse, I asked us to give them I give you all

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support with your spouses, those who are married to have support with your spouses, those who are not married to give you spouses with whom you can have

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support

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I owe this also means that both of them both the husband and the wife will make an effort to create a home, which is a place of support, which they look forward to returning to after having been away from it for various reasons. So for reasons of, of work, and so on so forth, you leave the home, but you hope that and wish that when you come back home, this home will be a place of support a place of tranquility, a place of peace and harmony. Imagine a ship which is out in the ocean out in the out on the high seas, and is being buffeted and beaten and battered by storms and so on and so forth. And then so what is this the captain of the ship? What does the ship seek it seeks Safe Harbor. Now

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imagine when it comes into the harbor, there is a new storm which has started off in the harbor, a new storm which has been brewing all day in an hour. And as soon as the ship enters the harbor, the storm smashes itself onto the ship. What do you think will be the fate of that ship? Okay, this is the issue of marriage. So when the husband or the wife

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comes home, there should be no strong in the home, the home must be a safe place, the home must be a place where people do not have to the husband and the wife, the bride and the groom, the man and the woman. They don't have to put or they don't have to pretend they don't they may not have a a face to show and a face to hide. They should not have any masks that they need to wear. Right? They should be able to have a mask free existence, they should be able to be themselves not to be play acting, pretending to be something which they are not. We need to do all of this outside. Right? I'm not talking about hypocrisy, I'm not talking about lying and cheating. But outside outside the home, we

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need sometimes to have a mask sometimes you might be rejected with somebody, but you can show that sometimes you you love somebody but you can show that many things are there out in the outside world, which in the in the area of communication and in the area of human relations. You have to guard your words. You have to guard your expressions. You have to guard your feelings. You cannot be yourself you can't be free. But imagine when you come back home, if you are still in the same place. If you still cannot be free. If you still can't be yourself if you're still in a place where you feel judged that you always have to live up to this

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This ridiculous image, whatever that whatever that image is, with your wife or with your husband, and you can, you can't sort of figuratively speaking, let your hair down. I mean, I didn't have no hair, but I'm just saying, if you can't figure it to be speaking, let your hair down. And you must always be on your guard, because it will lower your God, you're going to get stabbed, you're going to get attacked. I mean, this is a horrible existence, this is a living hell, right? A marriage Can't Believe me, a marriage can be a living Jannah or a living hell, and it's entirely in your hands.

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entirely new. And remember, it's not one side, if you are making your marriage a living hell for your husband, or your wife. Remember, see you're doing the same thing.

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You cannot be swimming in a pool of 50 water and expect to remain clean.

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What you do in the home affects you also, it affects you, it affects the children, if there are any children, and so on and so forth. Remember, when you are doing when you're making an effort to build a home with tranquility, with support, you are doing yourself a favor, you're not doing a favor anybody else, you're doing yourself a favor, please do make the effort, it is worth it. It is not worth having strife, and struggle in the hope. This does not mean you don't disagree with something of course you disagree, you have a right to disagree, you have a right to have a different opinion. Or do that nicely. Do that gently do that politely do that with love with affection.

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Don't do that in a way which creates turmoil in the house. The second thing issue, second issue here is we support as I said, his lack of Monica lack of movement, not looking here, they're not chasing here and they're not having this, you know, bosom pals and great close friends who know more about you than your own spouse. Right? This is very, very bad. Trust is the foundation is the backbone of a marriage. If there is no trust, there is no marriage.

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Sometimes people ask me, my wife looks at my messages on my phone. My husband looks at my messages on my phone. What should I do?

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And my question is before you say what should you do? Ask yourself why is that happening?

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Because if you if you think that you need to look at the messages, your husband messages on the phone, ask yourself, why are you doing that? What's in your heart? You don't trust your husband? You don't trust your wife? And if you do not trust them, then how what kind of marriage is that? Do you think you're still married to them?

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I'm not talking about the 50 aspect of it. Did you get a divorce or not even a divorce? I am saying that if it's a marriage where you believe you have to look into somebody's phone. If you have to look into the read their diary read their read their mail, how pathetic and miserable and horrible and disgusting that is.

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And remember, there must be a reason right? So think about that thing they think and say what kind of reasoning is that? What reason was that? Why did it come to the stage where my husband or my wife feels compelled to look at my phone, there will be a fault on both sides. You might you might you might May Allah May Allah protect you, but you might end up I might have married somebody who is suspicious by nature.

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remember Allah subhanaw taala prohibited suspicious breeds motomura Allah said lotta just social, unless they do not spy on one another.

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Suspicion is sin. He said sometimes suspicion can be said

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because the problem with suspicion is that there is no way of disproving that.

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proof. Listen carefully proof or evidence, by definition can only be for something which happened.

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Right?

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Something which happened

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if there is if the thing didn't happen, the Caribbean evidence, suspicious people are people who want evidence of something that did not happen.

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That's by definition not possible to give.

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Prove to me that you did not do this, how is it possible is logically impossible. I can prove that I did something, how can I prove I did not do something? If I did not do there is no evidence. How can I prove it?

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So please, stop suspecting and if you really think there is there is need for suspecting then go consult consult a counselor and maybe this marriage of yours is gone.

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Do not look away from the marriage.

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Don't look away Don't look at other people don't look at don't form friendships of I mean, dealing with another man or a woman within the within the boundaries of Islam. Alhamdulillah This is permissible

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but not doing that. Instead of that.

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Digging that dealing to a personal level, flirting with people flirting with a man or woman

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becoming very close to them in a personal way.

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This is not

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absolutely not.

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So please stay faithful. That is because you have promised to be faithful before Allah, stiff with

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the second word that Allah subhanho wa Taala used in his eyes

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when he said what gyla by nakoma Wanda, and he puts love between you. Now this refers to the love that the spouses feel for one another. The Love is both physical, and it is emotional.

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But remember, here, we are not just talking about physical sex, you're talking about love. It's emotional, primarily, and of course the physical needs. But

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love is an outcome of respect.

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We cannot love somebody for whom we have no respect. And it is essential, therefore, for the spouses to pay attention to the good from each other. And to forgive the mistakes.

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The spouses are like mirrors to each other. They reflect what they see,

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but they have a selective memory.

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When a new image comes before the mirror, it is reflected with reference to the good from earlier images, whatever it was.

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Someone sent me this Court, which talked about writing the good about our friends in stone, and writing their mistakes in the sand or dust. One remains for a long time, whereas the other is blown away. By the first breeze that comes. I believe that this is the single most important secret of a good marriage, to have this selective memory for the good and selective amnesia for the bad. Unfortunately, many people have the opposite, which is the root cause of all problems, the good is taken for granted as one's right. While any mistake is seen as a premeditated crime, and treated accordingly. Islam advises us to do the opposite, to forgive not once, but 70 times every day

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without reservation.

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However, sisters for the spouse,

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his or her companion is and should be the best friend.

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The marriage is a contract where the spouses are undertaking to make each other the best friends for life. From that day onwards, it's important to remember that friendship is only as good as the investment you make in it. It's not magic, it's not automatic. It doesn't just happen. It is made consciously with effort and the results are directly proportionate to the investment. It is necessary to spend time with your spouse, not with your friends in some club or somewhere else or hanging out here and there no spend time with your spouse. It is necessary to develop common interest, it is necessary to take pleasure in each other's work and activity. It is necessary to

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support each other in all that is good. It is necessary to ensure that you give feedback with care and concern and never critical feedback in public. Never, ever criticize your spouse before other people. That is shameful. It is insulting to the spouse. And no matter how patient your husband or wife might be Believe me You're hurting them you're hurting the rot and this is a sign of Gross

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Misconduct on your part.

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Should you give them critical feedback of course, if they if that is what you need to do, which we think that is so important. Do it alone,

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by yourself in private, just the two of you. And that do it with care and concern.

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Don't Raven ranch

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and never ever do it in public, no matter what.

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Never ever when it destroys the art, your art and there are

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my references Just remember, it is very important to remember that between spouses, there are no defenses because there is trust. And for that reason it is essential for the spouses to exercise special care in dealing with each other's emotions. It is now

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necessary to build a language together a language of looks and words and signs,

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especially words that you call your spouse are more doable than large, large scale files, which only the two of you understand.

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The two of you love.

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It's very important, a language that over time becomes almost magical, in how it enables one spouse to know what the other is feeling, without explanation, a language which is a joy to see, when you look at those who have been happily married for many years, it is necessary to consciously remember the good that one's spouse does for the other. Especially when they are having a bad day. Or if they are acting strange, they will do that

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they will have bad days, they will have not only bad hair days, generally bad days.

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Also, when they are doing in when they are when the women are in their PMS, premenstrual syndrome.

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There are there are physical and emotional changes that are happening in the woman.

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She's not herself. Right? She may she may look like she's crazy. Maybe she is for that period.

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But what doesn't help is if you also become crazy.

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Have patience. Think about all the rest of the abandoned the year that she was beautiful and good too.

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Don't react. Right. Now this is the love that ultramarathon is talking about when he said that he put it between the spouses, like all potential wealth, which has to be assessed, or it will remain buried under the sand.

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Let me give you

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two tips of what to do.

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These rules my wife and I was in the early parts of our early days of our marriage, and

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one was we get a book, a notebook, like a big register on a on a table in the living room. So it was a table kind of table which we pass by, you know, several times a day. And in that we would write

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the good that we've received from the other on that day.

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Right? It's not that we were not talking to him that we were leaving messages, no, we will talk in zone zones. But sometimes what happens is when you are talking,

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you know you don't remember what you need to say what you want to say and so on. Also very strangely, unfortunately, in some cultures and definitely our culture, to say something good about somebody is is very difficult.

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Right? Even islamically we have this very wrong

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image to say don't pray somebody to their face. Now, there is a hedis told us this will not pay somebody to a face, but raised in this hand is what is meant is flattery.

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Not appreciation for genuine, good that come from that person. Because in the life on which

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he praised people to their face not once but multiple times, and multiple people. And he praised the way he pressed. It was I mean there is there cannot be anything superior to them.

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Absolutely supinated. He said about setting our reserve when Omar comes down one road, the shed and finds and looks for another road.

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What kind of thing is that? That's not press.

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Isn't that not press

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about I

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said I have fulfilled the rights of everyone except a worker. And I will work on he said Allah will fulfill his those rights on my behalf.

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Right.

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And there are many others.

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Now he's not flat. flattery is lies basically.

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Where you're saying you exaggerating somebody is, you know, goodness and the other qualities.

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So please differentiate between the two. I'm talking about appreciating somebody good. Remember, somebody slogs the whole day to create this beautiful home for you or to cook this beautiful meal for you. And you just come and sit there and you eat it up and go away.

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Not one word, not one word appreciation. And thank you luck Allah. Hi, thank you so much. What a beautiful meal.

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Currently, I

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Just be so beautiful.

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On the contrary, we eat the food and we criticize and we know that never ever criticized food. Never ever

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we eat the mean was you know odd but however you know a little bit more salt would have been nice. Maybe you should have put some more onions the whole lot more.

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Please my brother sisters, it's not magic. Love is not magic. love grows. That's why I tell people don't fall in love. You know all falls great hurt, right you follow something you break your neck.

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grow in love.

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And this will come the biggest strength. The biggest tool to create love in a marriage is mutual appreciation.

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Tell your wife Tell your

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boss You're looking good, beautiful, fantastic, lovely clothes.

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Remember, as I'm praying to the to the women Now, think about this, your husband goes to work every day. Every morning, the man goes to work.

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And many people work in jobs, where left themselves they would leave their job with one second.

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They don't like the job. They don't like the company. They don't like the boss. They don't like his subordinates.

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But they're slogging there, they give the guts there because it gives them money. They can earn a salary and the reason they would need that salary is because they are supporting our companies.

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How many of you truly appreciate that, and you say this is a man who has dedicated his life for me, just think about that. Just think about it.

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For many people who have been married for 20 3040 years, your husband really looked after you more than your father did your with your father for the first 18 to 1920 to 25 years of your life after that you will be with your husband for 40 years.

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You don't want to appreciate that. Here is a man who gave his life for you. Literally.

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He goes to work every day he works hard. He takes you know stuff from people ready, left himself in, he did not have done it and he wouldn't have done it. Or he's doing it because he's married to.

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Similarly for the husband. Remember this woman, she left her home, she left the environment in which she grew up. She left all the comforts of our house, he left she left all the people she loved to come and be with you.

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And with you. She is literally within courts

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doing the role of a sovereign.

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Right. She takes care of your food, she takes care of your clothes, she takes care of the house, she cleans the house and so on and so forth. You have children, she takes care of your children.

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And she does all of that for free.

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You're not paying a salary, although in Islam, she can demand a salary.

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So be good to them. Make sure you give your wife enough spending money for herself. This is a big problem with people you don't understand this. You're committing a sin.

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You think you give us spending money for the house to buy potatoes that you know that is spending money for the house.

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A lot of

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the men are the more over the women

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are richer.

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Because Allah has given authority of to some over some. And because of what they spend on their wives.

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spending on the wife means free spending money.

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whatever you can afford, that is money you give her to use as she wishes. She can send it to her family. She can go buy growth with it. She can do what she wants with it, spirit ice cream.

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And you don't question about that. That's us. she can do whatever she wants with it.

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In Islam

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as I told you, marriage is a contract. And this is what the contract does is what it gives you. Finally,

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unless we're gonna use the word Rama, this is a special quality of Allah.

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Mercy

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and this is mercy Allah subhanho wa Taala shows towards his creation even when they don't desert.

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Allah.

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Use this word to describe the relationship between the spouses in marriage.

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My brothers sisters, we are merciful to those who we feel responsible for. We are merciful to our children, whereas we may not exercise the same mercy for somebody else.

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jail, as they said,

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is a buy for if our child cries, it's a pain in the heart. If somebody else's child cries, it's a pain in the head. Right?

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I'm not saying you should be that, but this is what the general tendency is. The word Rama in the context of marriage draws our attention to the responsibility that the spouses have for one another. It also draws attention to the fact that over the years, each of them has made a lifetime's investment to the other

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lifetimes investment into the husband has invested his life in the wife, the wife has invested her life and her husband, to show Rama to be merciful is to honor that investment, and to thank the other person for making it not to take this for granted. Rama is also the quality when, for reasons of life or destiny, one of the spouses is unable to look after the other or to satisfy them, the other one still treats him or her with love and respect and mercy in memory of what they did. rabbis to give without asking for return, it is to give because it is a pleasure in giving. Rama is to forgive. Forgiveness is what forgiveness is Rama. Sometimes people joke about you know, she did

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this, he did that. That is why you need to forgive. If they didn't do anything, why would you forgive?

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Yes, they did that. So you will forgive? Why do you forgive because you want Allah to forgive you.

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show mercy to the people on the earth and the and and the one on the heavens will show mercy to you.

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In a marriage, those people on the earth are you are going to

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treat each other with dignity. never complain about each other before other people. I remember this. Two incidents and I want to share with you. One was an incident where this young couple got married. And

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the girl would talk to her family will talk to her mother, every single day on Skype or whatever it was. And the mother would give advice. And the girl would say Oh, today this is what my husband did. The mother would say say this to him. Do this with him.

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What was the result? The result was after a couple of years divorce.

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Understand this, if you are not adult enough to deal with your husband or your wife, you are not adult enough to get married. Still.

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If you are an adult, then then live like an adult. Take your own decisions.

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make mistakes, no problem. But don't go running to your mother or running to your father for everything.

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And you fathers and mothers Shut your mouth.

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Don't interfere. You decide is your is your child capable of being married? Is your child an adult, if your child is a child, there's no child marriage in Islam, don't get don't get them married, keep them home.

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Let them stay with you for their whole life. It doesn't matter.

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But if you get them married, leave them alone. Don't interfere. Let your daughter deal with her husband, as an adult, let your son deal with his wife as an adult. Don't interfere.

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Mothers in law and to some extent fathers in law but I'm not being you know, gender specific yet. Here mothers are generally my experiences. Mothers in law are a curse in a marriage.

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They don't have to be they become

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because they continuously side with their son or daughter against the other. My point is the Why did you get the marriage in the first place.

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If that is what you want to do, you would be you would have been much better off keeping your son or your daughter in your lap.

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stop interfering. If I remember seeing this is one of my very good friends in South Africa. It happened in their house.

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The daughter was recently married she came home and she was just started to say something about her husband and his family to the to his to her mother, the lady, the lady of the house. May Allah bless her straightaway. She said that is your family now. I don't want to hear anything negative about them. If there is a problem deal with it.

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What was the result? The result was they were they are now happily married. And they have several children.

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One where the mother didn't have the sense to stop interfering marriage broker in the other where the mother knew what she was doing happy marriages, stay out of the life of your children who are married. And as I told you, if you don't even do that, don't get married.

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Right. And as far as the so called children are concerned you're not children anymore. If you go

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Married you're not a child, stop running to your mother or your father for everything.

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Just

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be nice to them we go to that you're the matters between the two of you must remain between the two of you only.

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Please understand this, otherwise you will make your marriage a living hell in this world.

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My brother sisters, marriage in Islam is a commitment made to each other, of integrity, of love, of respect and mercy that the spouses are undertaking to make to each other in the Presence of Allah Serrano della della della who, who is the witness to our thoughts, to our intentions and to our actions.

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ask Allah Subhana Allah to bless all of you ask Allah subhanaw taala to make

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your marriages a means of fate and Baraka and I asked Allah subhanho wa Taala

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to help you in ways that you cannot evaluate or Salalah Allah will carry while he was in Bangor, Africa or South America.