DONATION APPEAL!

ALL our Projects are FREE and with no advertisements.

We serve millions of downloads a month... Now! Imagine earning on-going rewards of every lecture and quran audio and so on.

As well as helping us cover our running costs and future projects!

mufti menk image

"I really think this is one of the greatest causes one could support"

    Become a Patron
    Donate via PayPal

More Information and Options

Why am in it

share this pageShare Page
Maryam Lemu

Channel: Maryam Lemu

Episode Notes

Tips for Lasting Union

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:00--> 00:00:07

Billahi min ash shaytani r rajim Bismillahi Rahmani Raheem Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.

00:00:10--> 00:00:15

Bye sisters, I think we can do better than that. Assalamu alaikum

00:00:20--> 00:01:05

it's so great to be here. It is an honor, I truly am humbled to be given the opportunity to share this platform with truly superstars in the Islamic world. A lot of people were in or when they saw the list, just like I was of the speakers. And when I say I am humbled truly I am to have this opportunity. May Allah make it easy for all of us, to the organizers, one oma, may Allah bless you for organizing this event. It truly is a tremendous opportunity for all of us to come and gain knowledge to the speakers who have spoken before me and those who are yet to speak. May Allah bless you, in the best manner and May this serve as a witness for you in the hereafter. My topic is why am

00:01:05--> 00:01:52

I in it tips for lasting union. Obviously, peace and unity in the home is one of the most important areas where peace of mind begins. I grew up in a home where there was so much peace, so much comfort and so much unity. throughout my childhood. My parents, as far as I was concerned, never fought even once. That's what I believed. I never felt any tension and neither did my brother, there was so much love everywhere. We had a lot of happiness. When we wake up in the morning, we pray together, we make their tea, we sit together and have morning tea together in the late afternoon, we sit together and have afternoon tea together, we sing we dance, even with my mom and my father will just look at

00:01:52--> 00:02:34

us and watch us. But there really was so much love. My father behaved like a small boy when my mother traveled a boy whose mother has gone away and goes into a depression. So there was so much love. And this is how I always imagined my own married life would be. So I grew up with that expectation. And I couldn't wait to get married. I grew up with the expectation that you get married because of love. And that I would have exactly the same replica of what I saw in my parents marriage. I got married out of love. And I thought the sun would rise and sex. And my husband would always be looking into my eyes.

00:02:35--> 00:02:56

It was lovely. The image of that was so romantic in my head, he would have my time we would think alike, we would be on the same wavelength. But reality check. Two weeks into our marriage. Some of you have heard me talk about this before we had our first fight. We fought over something very small.

00:02:57--> 00:02:59

It was a stupid thing like a watch.

00:03:00--> 00:03:39

Anyway, my husband scolded me for wearing my watch at the wrong time. And I said this is how I grew up. And anyway, before you know it, it became a fight. And as far as I was concerned, you don't fight in marriage. So the natural thing for me to do was to ask for a divorce. Two weeks into the marriage. Yes. I said say they want a divorce. My husband was in shock. I was crying. I said this marriage is over. Let's just call it quits. We don't have any children. Now me I want to go back home. My husband couldn't believe it. So since I was his new bride, he comforted me wiped my tears. They're there. It's okay. They're in shock. A week later, we fought again, over nothing.

00:03:41--> 00:03:52

And this time around, I started huffing and puffing. You see two weeks? Well, last week when I told you we should have gotten a divorce. You didn't listen to me. I told you this marriage is going nowhere. This is not what marriage is meant to be.

00:03:54--> 00:04:01

And he wasn't amused. So as they say, you cry yourself to sleep. I cried myself to sleep. And he ignored me.

00:04:03--> 00:04:05

About two weeks later, we fought again.

00:04:06--> 00:04:14

And I started to do vitello to low health and I was about to ask him and he said Marian whatever you want right now I will give you

00:04:16--> 00:04:19

it's been 24 years. I've never asked for a divorce again.

00:04:22--> 00:04:47

But does it mean things were okay. And that was the solution? Absolutely not. boy did we fight. We fought, he would explode. I would get mad he would walk out and slam the door. I would see things that he used against me in confidence against him. Your mother was right about that thing she said about you. You know I would hit below the belt to achieve maximum pain.

00:04:48--> 00:05:00

We both wanted to win arguments at all costs. It didn't matter. I wanted to win he wanted to win. We had a turbulent five years of our early marriage. We

00:05:00--> 00:05:06

We were both unhappy. We were constantly fighting, seeing recurring fights, there was no peace of mind.

00:05:08--> 00:05:31

I definitely didn't want to come home to him. At the end of the day, we went through emotions we never expected. Definitely, we both felt we shouldn't bring children into this kind of world. We couldn't see a bright future. Little did we know at that time, I definitely didn't know until I started doing more research about marriage, that what we were going through was actually very common amongst newlyweds.

00:05:33--> 00:05:46

And little did I know that these fights that we were having in the early years of our marriage, were probably going to be very critical to the success of our marriage to date. And I'll tell you why I say that,

00:05:48--> 00:06:02

we realized that things were not going to change on their own. All the turbulence all the fights, the way the marriage was going, it really was heading for the rocks. We both had to make changes. A lot of marriage counselors say

00:06:03--> 00:06:09

that by the time couples come to them to save their marriages, it's often five to six years too late.

00:06:11--> 00:06:19

Now, every marriage is unique. Every marriage is different. And there is no one size fits all solution to a marriage.

00:06:21--> 00:07:04

But I can only share with you why I am in my marriage. I'm not an expert on marriage, but I'm an expert in my marriage. And even in my marriage, we are still growing, we're still learning. And we pray Allah continues to keep us together and strengthen our union. I have learned from many though, because I've taken a strong passion in seeing how marriages work the dynamics of marriage and doing research. I spoken to those who are yet to be married, and have become a counselor on that area. I've spoken to people who are married, whose marriages on the rocks and those who have gotten divorces to hear what mistakes they made. What are their biggest regrets? And what could they have

00:07:04--> 00:07:17

done differently? I've spoken to those whose marriages are working and are going fantastically well to learn what are their best practices. And I've spoken to someone who has been married for over 60 years, and they are just managing each other.

00:07:19--> 00:07:38

Some of what I may share with you, I'd like to see, I'd like you to see it as a tree with fruit on it. Some of the fruit may not be right for you right now. So if you're yet to be married, save it until it ripens. For some, the fruit may be right. And it may be relevant to your marriage.

00:07:40--> 00:07:46

For some, the fruit may be a bit sour, it may not apply. It may not work for you.

00:07:48--> 00:07:54

However, I'd like you to see it more as a gift. Just this is what worked for me. And it may work for you.

00:07:56--> 00:08:43

My husband and I learned that we needed to leave our marriage and not expect it to manage itself to run on its own. We both needed to be the driver of the marriage and not the passenger, that it's not going to run on autopilot. But things were not going to change on their own. Allah says in Surah two rod that Allah does not change the condition or the blessings of a people unless they change what lies within them. Our marriage was not going to change itself unless we were ready to make those changes ourselves. We both had to take responsibility for the success of our marriage through deliberate, planned and definite ways. We both sat down and talked, we made a commitment and a

00:08:43--> 00:08:51

resolution that we were going to fight to make the relationship work. I made a personal promise to myself that I'm in this for life.

00:08:53--> 00:09:12

Developing a strong relationship happens in stages. It doesn't happen overnight. So one has to be patient and consistent. But we have to be responsible for the success of our marriage. We have to take ownership for our relationship and the marriage. And we have to guard it jealously.

00:09:14--> 00:09:44

Don't expect the marriage to be perfect. Don't expect things to be perfect. Sometimes in spite of all your hard work, all your good efforts, everything you have done, misunderstandings will happen. fights are inevitable and they will feature marriages with the least conflict in the first one to two years often end up in divorce or are well on their way to divorce within the first five years. Why? Because they didn't learn

00:09:45--> 00:10:00

because they swept things under the rug because they suppress their emotions. Those who didn't have conflict in the first few years of their marriage often end up in divorce. Why? Because they bottle things up. They

00:10:00--> 00:10:02

didn't express their true feelings.

00:10:03--> 00:10:08

They did what we especially here in the north are advised to do, which is E. coli,

00:10:09--> 00:10:43

which is almost like saying forgiven swallow. It has its benefits. I'm not condemning it, but it's almost saying forgiven swallow and suffer in silence. Don't talk back, just accept everything as it comes. This breeds contempt. This breeds bitterness, bile and almost resentment inside you because you didn't express what was in your heart, expressions of disagreement in the relationship, when you can express what you're not happy with. It brings out the real you.

00:10:44--> 00:11:07

It helps work towards better mutual understanding. Even the wife's of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam talks back and didn't hide when they were upset with him. Or when they disagreed with him. It was okay for them to express their disagreement and talk about it. But the key thing about disagreement, it's the how

00:11:08--> 00:11:26

a survey studied couples that had been married, over 400 couples was surveyed, couples that had been married, and they were surveyed in their first five years of marriage. And then, again, the same couples were surveyed 25 years later,

00:11:27--> 00:11:35

over 70% of what they were fighting about in the first five years, they were still fighting about the same thing 25 years later.

00:11:38--> 00:11:47

What was the difference between those whose marriages was still intact 25 years later, and those that were not, it's how they fought.

00:11:48--> 00:12:02

So the couples whose marriages survived, they were still fighting about the same thing 25 years later, but the How is what determined whether the marriage survived or not, it was the style of the fights.

00:12:04--> 00:12:13

The extent to which our selfish egos interfere in the marriage interfere with finding a resolution to the conflict, or

00:12:14--> 00:12:23

the extent to which compassion virtues, our conscious conscience plays a part in finding a resolution.

00:12:25--> 00:12:45

My sister in law put it perfectly. When she and I quote, she said, The key thing is learning how to fight and still love. Learning how to fight and still love, that the love and the marriage is still strong, and neither one of you is broken, beaten up, or stripped down.

00:12:47--> 00:13:06

You find this example where the Prophet sallallahu Sallam said to Ayesha, he could tell he could tell when she's angry with him and when she is not. And she asked him how. And he said that when she's happy with him, she would swear by saying, I swear by the Lord of Mohammed.

00:13:07--> 00:13:13

And when she's angry with him, she would swear by saying I swear by the Lord of Ibrahim.

00:13:15--> 00:13:16

She told him he was.

00:13:36--> 00:13:43

Now let us look at the how in the conflict. I call it the rules of engagement.

00:13:44--> 00:13:58

In Islam, there are rules of engagement, even when fighting a battle, such as Do not kill women do not kill children non combatants. You do not poison wells, you do not cut down trees, you do not kill animals.

00:14:00--> 00:14:36

So no matter how battle crazed Muslim may get, no matter how desperately you want blood, we have guidelines we have to show good manners in how we conduct ourselves even in a battle. And there is a field described as ethics or etiquettes of disagreement, which I think one of the previous brothers mentioned just now. The field called ethics or etiquette of disagreement, which tries to ensure that differences of opinions between the different scholars never leads to this unity.

00:14:38--> 00:14:54

In surah, Toma ADA, Allah says, Do not let the hatred of any caused you to swerve from justice be just, this is the nearest to godliness. So there is a culture in Islam of good conduct even in the midst of conflict

00:14:55--> 00:14:59

between the battlefield or in the academic field equally in marriage.

00:15:00--> 00:15:04

This culture of good manners and good conduct good character

00:15:05--> 00:15:47

is supposed to flow in how we conduct ourselves when we have any disagreement when there is conflict. So however, what's the fire, the anger, the hatred that may get? At one point when we get upset with our spouse, it should always be under control. You owe it to yourself when you will answer to allow for it. When we think of some of the utterances that come out of our mouths, when we get upset with our spouses, we will answer to allow for that, because it is part of what makes us Muslims. It is not just about being a husband or wife, it is about our relationship with Allah. So let's look at the rules of engagement.

00:15:49--> 00:16:06

You can quarrel about anything. But it's the how, if I may borrow a quote from Bruce Lee's enter the grand dragon, where he says it's the Art of Fighting without fighting. Over the years, I've learned to make an appointment to fight with my husband.

00:16:07--> 00:16:44

And at the end of the day doesn't end up becoming a fight. If something is bothering me in the past. As he comes home, I will just spring on him and say said, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And of course, it ends up being explosive. Why? Because he wasn't expecting it. Or it's the timing was wrong. He already had the Jaguar Jaguar from work on his mind. And then I offload my excess baggage on him. timing was everything. So I make an appointment to fight. I say Say something is bothering me. whenever it's convenient. Let me know. I'd like to talk. So how can he get upset when he is going to be the one to tell me when he's ready to fight?

00:16:46--> 00:17:05

He does it on his terms. Normally now what he'll do is to come and sit what's on your mind with that attitude? Who am I to talk rubbish? I can't. And he doesn't have his wall up because he's prepared. He knows something is on my own. something is bothering me. Another thing I do

00:17:06--> 00:17:09

is, I apologize. there is friction.

00:17:11--> 00:17:24

I start off by saying I'm sorry, we are having this discussion. Or I'm sorry, this tension, or I'm sorry, we're having a misunderstanding. Now, I'm not apologizing that I've done anything wrong, because I haven't he has.

00:17:26--> 00:18:09

But I'm apologizing there is friction, but that I am sorry. I'm sorry, we're having this discussion has started to cool down the temperature. And often there's no temperature to cool down. Why because of the approach. Now for some people, they will say this one is on a boat style. Me I want to do that. Because that feeds on my mind, I want to talk now, if that's that works for both parties, because the key thing you have to remember, don't ever set a light in a petrol station. Take responsibility for when and where you choose to fight. Timing is everything. So you have to be sensible and responsible. I start off by addressing my faults. Why? Because I don't want you to

00:18:09--> 00:18:10

point fingers at me.

00:18:11--> 00:18:41

I want to take full responsibility. So I blame myself for where I have gone wrong. Be truthful. If you're looking for a resolution, you really have to look within do your soul searching? What did I do wrong? There is a metaphor that's used in the business world of the mirror and the window. You've got a mirror. Normally when you have done something well, you have you look in the mirror like you know what I've done well, and then when something goes wrong, you look out the window to see who to blame.

00:18:43--> 00:18:55

Now the metaphor is reversed. In cases of conflict. You are told when something goes wrong, look in the mirror and see what did I do to cause this situation.

00:18:56--> 00:19:04

Then look through the window to see who to give credit to like your spouse and acknowledge their positive qualities.

00:19:05--> 00:19:38

Never point fingers or make yourself look better when there is conflict or tension. Don't talk down, don't look down at your spouse. It's called the she term complex. Don't make yourself look better. Don't bring up mistakes from the past. If they're in the past and they've been addressed. Put it back. Don't be one of those. I used to do that. But you know that last time and April 14 at around five o'clock, you know 545 to be precise when you did and it's behind. Allah forgives those who forgives others.

00:19:39--> 00:19:45

If resolution is your goal, Why be hurtful, antagonistic or malicious.

00:19:46--> 00:19:52

Who wants to be married to a loser if you are determined to win at all costs.

00:19:53--> 00:19:59

If you must win and make sure that your spouse loses whether it's an argument or a discussion

00:20:00--> 00:20:07

Then who wants to be married to a loser, be careful about winning the debate and losing the heart of your spouse in the process.

00:20:08--> 00:20:14

Don't ever mock your spouse, not their weaknesses, not their flaws. Don't mock them.

00:20:16--> 00:20:45

What you focus on will grow. If you focus on their weaknesses, their faults, that's what will be magnified. If you highlight the negatives, it will grow. But the same thing applies if you highlight the positive qualities of your spouse, it starts to get bigger and bigger because they become more conscious of those things. So what you focus on, if you're constantly negatively nagging about negative behavior, those negative habits will grow.

00:20:46--> 00:21:42

Don't go for sensitivities. Don't go for red buttons don't hit below the belt. Now, this is a word of caution. Where how you act towards your spouse, displays your contempt, your disrespect towards your spouse, the sarcasm in your voice when you speak to them, the Bible, how disgusted you are with them. Sometimes you get violent you hit your spouse. And this applies to both. When you hit you are your spice up and your spouse up and down. you condemn them, you dishonor your spouse, you insult them, you break them down, you dissect them by breaking the fiber of their self esteem. If you find yourself doing that, then these are amongst the signs of the last days of your marriage. These are

00:21:42--> 00:22:00

the signs that your marriage is on the rocks. If you find yourself doing any of these things or feeling this way, let the alarm bells go off in your head that this marriage is in deep trouble and you need to do something and something first. As a Muslim, avoid this

00:22:01--> 00:22:38

every way possible. It shouldn't be a part of you ever, not to anyone, shouldn't two kids not to a stranger, let alone your spouse. It's just simply an Islamic. You wouldn't talk or behave like this to an employee, an employer, a parent or a decent human being. So don't be afraid to quarrel. But be afraid to show disrespect. Be afraid to show contempt. Don't be afraid to fight. But be afraid to show that disrespect conflict does not destroy your marriage. But disrespect does

00:22:40--> 00:22:52

bad other bad behavior in conflict does. It stays it festers, it lingers long after the fight is over. It is what is difficult to forgive.

00:22:54--> 00:23:41

The topic of what you fought about is long gone. But the manner you fought is what is left behind. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said the heart has been created in a way that it loves those who show kindness towards it and dislike those who cause it pain. Our heart has been created in a way that we love those who show kindness towards us. And we dislike those who caused us pain. Why should we be the source of pain towards our spouse, and then our heart has been created in a way that we are going to reject that source of pain. Don't get tired of finding a resolution to that conflict. Don't get tired of finding a resolution to the problems in the marriage. Don't get tired

00:23:41--> 00:23:46

of saying sorry. We don't get tired of saying sorry to Allah. Don't with people.

00:23:47--> 00:24:00

If you delay soaring things, sorry, you look weak. You lack courage. It makes you look small in the eyes of your spouse. And if you stopped saying sorry, you look very arrogant and insensitive.

00:24:01--> 00:24:23

A sincere sorry, puts out the fire. But it has to be sincere. Make sure you don't repeat the same thing. Again on the rules of engagement. never raise your voices or fight in front of your children. In as much as I wished my parents had spoken to me about the reality that you do fight in marriage.

00:24:24--> 00:24:59

I am glad I never knew that they fight. I wish I knew how to fight but I'm glad I always felt there was so much love and happiness in our home. quarrel with wisdom be the mature one fight fair and return evil with good it fidelity here sono Allah says in Surah toe facilite repel wrongdoing with that which is better than verily between whom I knew there was animosity will become as though a close friend. Again, another tip that worked for me it may work for you

00:25:00--> 00:25:43

When I reached that point where I thought point of no return desperation, I was ready to go home in our fifth year of marriage. I called my mom just out of desperation. And I said, Look, I don't think this is working. And that was the first time I cried out for help. And I told her, I never saw she and Baba fight. And I just didn't know what to do. She said, Oh, we had our disagreements, but I just don't like conflict. So what I did is I wrote a letter to your father. Because it was easier for me to write. It gave me a chance to pour my heart out and give him a chance to read the letter, digest it and give me a response. Sometimes he would write back sometimes he would sit me down and

00:25:43--> 00:25:51

talk to me. So I was like, Hey, I can write. So I wrote my first letter. It was 18 pages long.

00:25:52--> 00:25:54

In short, I wrote a newspaper.

00:25:56--> 00:26:03

I started that letter, my dear is it as I write this letter, I hate you from the bottom of my heart.

00:26:05--> 00:26:41

You can imagine how that went. So since that ensued, in a huge fight, I called my mother crying until Terry didn't work. After telling me how stupid I was to have done that, she said, I was supposed to read the letter. And look at it the way he said it would look at it when he's reading the letter. And does it sound like it's going to bring a solution? That's it sounds like I'm getting to the bottom of the point of what's really the issue. So okay, I wrote again, this time, it was eight pages long. By this time, my hand was really tired. But I read it, trying to think like it.

00:26:42--> 00:27:13

And I realized I wasn't really making getting to the bottom of the issue. So I threw it away. I wrote my third letter. But what was interesting, by this time, I actually felt I had gotten most of the Apalachicola out of my chest. And now I was writing my final letter. So I call it paper one, paper two, and paper three. That third letter ended up being three pages long. By the time I finished writing that third letter, I was getting down to the main issue,

00:27:14--> 00:27:55

removed all sentiments and anything that was irrelevant. It was the most important things. And my husband is very analytical. And I was thinking like him at this point. But how I ended the letter was what was even more interesting. And as much as I was very angry at the beginning, and I had trashed most of the rubbish out of my system. I ended it by saying, and I sincerely say, love you from the bottom of my heart, and I'm hoping we can resolve this issue. And voila, he, this was the turning point in my marriage. Why? Because every time we sat down to try and solve a problem, talking face to face, I would roll my eyes, I have someone who would be doing,

00:27:57--> 00:28:05

I would interrupt I would make faces I would do everything wrong. So that was the best method for me. I'm sharing this with you. As I said, this is what worked for me.

00:28:06--> 00:28:43

When you reach that brick wall where you feel desperate, helpless. ask Allah to help you when you find yourself confused. However, make sure you never involve a middleman in your communication with Allah. No Muslims, no Jew, Jew, no anti Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew. Somebody will tell you they did market me for your husband or your wife. That's why she's behaving or he's behaving like this. So you have to do the market need to counter the market needed for him. Keep away from anything, Allah is sufficient for you. You don't need a middleman. Allah says call on me. And I will answer.

00:28:44--> 00:29:29

Allah also said and for everyone who is conscious of Allah. And for everyone who is conscious of Allah and relies on him, he always prepares the way out and provides for him from sources he never could imagine, from sources he could never imagine. So Allah is sufficient. settle your differences privately unless you see absolutely no other alternative. Then involve only those who really care about your marriage who will give you good counsel, good advice, who will try and find a good resolution. Now my dad did something I found very interesting when he got married to my mom, he told her here are two people I trust. If you have any problems with me, you can go to them and talk to

00:29:29--> 00:29:53

them and tell them and I'm sure they'll try and find a good resolution for us. My someone very close to me as well did that. So it may work for you. But don't wait till the heat of the argument and say you want to go and find somebody at that time you say Go and tell why me and you say no no, no, don't tell this one. No, no, no. Then I'll tell this person and you start arguing over who to tell agree on this when everything is cool and come and there is no issue.

00:29:55--> 00:29:58

Now, some marriages cannot be sustained.

00:30:00--> 00:30:11

Sadly, some marriages cannot be sustained. You may have tied your camel, and then your you've tied your camel, you've prayed to Allah, you've invested everything to make the marriage work.

00:30:12--> 00:30:47

But your camel chewed the rope and didn't want to stay with you anymore. Or somebody stole your camel. Or your camel just simply didn't like you. You've done everything in your power to tie your camel and your camel didn't want to stay. There are more cultural pressures for us to stay in a marriage that's not working. Sometimes due to egos, sometimes due to stigma Oh, you don't want to be a divorce. See, it's very bad. Yet we keep having children or we stay in marriages because of children.

00:30:48--> 00:31:01

With the mistaken belief that they are our insurance because of the children things are actually going to get better. Even when the relationship is deteriorating and getting toxic damage

00:31:02--> 00:31:03

the process

00:31:04--> 00:31:18

making things worse sometimes dragging them into the battle making them making excites drawing them into the battle and unfortunately, making them dysfunctional. Later on in life they will reach for that.

00:31:21--> 00:31:37

If you find yourself having tried everything in your power to try and gain your spouse's attention, you've done everything to invest in the marriage. But you find that your spouse's heart is unattainable unobtainable.

00:31:38--> 00:31:41

Your spouse is oblivious or blind.

00:31:43--> 00:31:47

I take it Thank you. They say you should leave me Oh.

00:31:49--> 00:31:55

Your spouse is oblivious to what you are doing or blind. Check yourself

00:31:56--> 00:32:21

is it that you are no longer attractive to your spouse? Or is your spouse's heart taken away somewhere else? Most important thing check yourself, check your spouse and talk. The Prophet sallahu wa sallam said it is better to be alone than to be in Bad Company. And it's better to be in good company than to be alone. So regarding staying in or not.

00:32:22--> 00:32:36

If you believe being alone is better for you than staying in the relationship, then you may want to look at that option. But this is only if everything else has failed. So do everything in your power

00:32:37--> 00:33:25

to try and make your marriage work until you see no better alternative. But even when emotions are high, when the fire is burning, the room is charged. Don't ever lose sight of the endearing qualities of your spouse, the good qualities in your spouse, you married your spouse out of love. You didn't pick your parents. You didn't even pick the kind of children you have, but you picked your spouse, and most likely you're married out of love. Don't ever lose sight of that work at all times to find the good in each other. You owe your spouse your loyalty. So if things are not working out the way you had hoped, whose permission Are you waiting for, to fight to make the marriage work

00:33:25--> 00:34:09

to fix it. Allah says in Surah tL najem nothing shall be accounted unto a person except what he strives for. And in time you shall see the results of your striving. nothing shall be accounted until you accept what you're working hard for. And then there's a beautiful Hadith that I love, where the Prophet sallallahu Sallam said, if you put your whole trust in Allah as you ought, he most certainly will satisfy your needs. As he satisfied those of the birds, they come out hungry in the morning, but return satisfied to their nests. The thing about the birds is they don't sit there they actually come out and work hard. So be like the birds work hard for the success of your marriage.

00:34:09--> 00:34:28

Make deliberate plans for your marriage. And don't forget the quote from Surah two rod where Allah says Allah does not change the condition or the blessings of a people unless they change what lies within them. So what is it that lies within you? What efforts have you put into your marriage?

00:34:29--> 00:34:43

Which of your habits are getting in the way of the success of your marriage? And what habits Do you need to overcome that are affecting the marriage? Is it your hot temper? Is it your lack of discipline, your lack of appreciation?

00:34:45--> 00:35:00

Our ultimate goal in life is to please Allah and marriage is half of our faith. So strive to make your marriage work and may your striving find favor with Allah. There is a lovely quote from Zig Parvez, where he says if you don't know where you are,

00:35:00--> 00:35:15

Going, then any road will take you there. If you don't know where you're going, then it doesn't matter which route you take. Any road you go will take you there. But where is that there? Where are you going with your marriage? Do you have a plan with your spouse?

00:35:16--> 00:35:29

Do you have an individual goal for your marriage and a goal as a couple? What will you start working on today in your marriage, so that you have minimum regrets. At sunrise don't expect to see some set.

00:35:30--> 00:36:21

Don't let anything slow you down. Give 110% of yourself, to your spouse and to your marriage to your family. Don't lose yourself doing or pursuing material things and neglect the most important things. There isn't enough time to do everything in life. But there is enough time to do the most important things. Work on setting your goals around five areas. I think I might go over my time by two minutes but inshallah I will do my best to wrap up. Let me quickly rush through these five areas. Do what you can with your spouse in your spiritual area. Number one spiritual growth, connect with Allah. Connect and purify your heart with Allah, both of you, then physical, don't neglect your body look

00:36:21--> 00:36:43

good for your spouse. Take care of your health look good and smell good. Make sure you both find each other attractive. For us after having a few children, we start to know that gravity exists. We start to spread from all angles. But then you have the brothers who I love who do solidarity with us they start developing the second trimester potbelly.

00:36:44--> 00:37:28

But it doesn't mean we find these contracts attractive. So we all need to maintain and look good for one another and smell good. Develop a beautiful mind grow intellectually, don't find yourself mentally far apart that you don't have much in common to talk to each other about. So grow together, have something in common that you can talk about to each other, and then be financially responsible and take your professional preoccupation seriously, be financially responsible money is such a big issue of contention. Don't find that one spouse is saving money for a rainy day for the future of the marriage, while the other one is going shopping, and then develop a healthy relationship. Of

00:37:28--> 00:38:10

course, the first relationship to develop is your relationship with Allah. It is the rope that should never break. He's your lifeline. However, your social relationship your relationship with your spouse and others is everything. people diagnosed with terminal illnesses see that the most important thing they want by their sides, when they are on their deathbed is their loved ones. So your relationship with your spouse is so critical develop a strong balanced relationship. Communication is everything. Be your spouse's cheerleader, they are super fans. I always say that my parents gave me the foundation. But my husband gave me the wings to fly because he was always there

00:38:10--> 00:38:35

for me. He was always encouraging. He always said Maryam, give it a shot, what have you got to lose? Well done. I'm so proud of you. So be your spouse's cheerleader, praise them, commend them, and most likely they will mirror that. I always tell my husband that he's a gift from Allah for me, and I sometimes startle him outside and you turn around mafia. Allah created you, just for me.

00:38:40--> 00:38:58

Do as much as you can together. Learn to speak your spouse's love language. There are five love languages, let me rush through them. Everyone has something you would do for them that will make them feel loved. The first one could be love to someone could be quality, time or quantity time.

00:38:59--> 00:39:12

Love to someone could be quality time or quantity time. Others could be physical touch, like hugs. Another one could be words of affirmation. My brother is on stage and I have two minutes I said

00:39:14--> 00:39:57

love to someone could be gifts. Another could be an act of service you help them. Some may be more important to others but learn through communication to find out and understand your spouse's unique wants needs and fantasies. Be the apple of your spouse's eye Some people say the cockroach in his cupboard this fly in his soup and everything. Rock their world. So you look forward to coming home to each other. do research and homework. Go on the net read books on how to spice up the marriage bleep be playful with your spouse the Prophet sallallahu Sallam was known to even race with his with Ayesha she won the first race he won the second he even playfully joked that that sec that won he

00:39:57--> 00:39:59

won was in revenge for the first one.

00:40:00--> 00:40:43

be adventurous with your spouse. intimacy is such an important part. Do not develop barriers that don't exist and say that one is for too raw. The Prophet was known to even bathe with his wife with Ayesha, don't be stagnant if you can balance those five areas inshallah you will have a very healthy relationship. final words have discipline and self control. self discipline is necessary to protect your marriage. resist temptation and be loyal to your spouse and your children. Resist the urge of comparing your spouse to others. stay on track in your decisions, and then maximize the time spent with your spouse. Make every moment count, grow and improve with your spouse and let your spouse

00:40:43--> 00:41:28

learn from your growth. Finally, the quote from Serato room where Allah says and amongst his signs is that he created for you mates that you might find tranquility in them he created for you mates, that you might find tranquility in them and has placed between you love and mercy indeed in that assigns for those who reflect. Since my time is up, I will stop here May Allah forgive me for where I may have arrived. May Allah continue to strengthen your unions. If you are yet to be married, may Allah make you the perfect companion for someone special out there may you be also May Allah help you find the right partner. For everybody else. Thank you so much for your time, just akmola hiren

00:41:35--> 00:41:37

that has been hajia

00:41:38--> 00:41:39

Mark