Half of Faith #7

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Maryam Lemu

Channel: Maryam Lemu

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Episode Transcript

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Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. This is Maria. And with me is my husband

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takelma salaam aleikum, wa barakato Alhamdulillah. During the last episode, we talked about so many different topics. And I know one that stood out and probably struck a nerve with some people is when. So it was talking about doing some of the chores in the house doing the cooking, in spite of the fact that I could cook very well, he would still assist with about 70% of the cooking. This was in our early marriage, I think the first 12 years that this happened, of course, since then, we've moved to Nigeria and Alhamdulillah economically, we could afford to hire someone to do because I know the last time so he talks about this, there was so much commotion, like how can a man be doing

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this for a wife, like first, maybe his mission hajia. He's tied to his wife's petticoat. And we had all sorts of things. And of course, for a lot of women, they were so happy to hear someone is someone actually say, this person is fulfilling the obligations. Because if you can't do certain things, then you are meant to do it. Or if you can't afford to hire someone to do certain things, you are meant to do it yourself. And I find it so interesting and sadly, quite hypocritical, how we talk about the Sunnah and the rights of this and that when it comes to of course, polygamy, we are quick to see it. So now, when it comes to so many things, we almost were the religion like a uniform

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that we can put on and take off as we please. But the Sunnah of the Prophet sallahu wa sallam where he devoted himself to his family, where they will have deeds of how he would pray to Allah. And then he would look after his family, he would mend his own shoes, he would sew his own clothes and chores.

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And then, of course, the romantic part of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam examples where he would race with Asia or the lower under her, he would be with his wife, he would put his wife on his shoulder so she can see entertainment in the marketplace and things like that, like how come those things are not highlighted? People aren't talking about it loud. So that that is the exemplary example for all of us to emulate, because that is what the hadiths are for, for us to replicate that. So I just wanted to mention that, that we should be very careful not to cross the line by not honoring that example and living because Allah will ask us ask us since we have already been given someone to show

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us what we are supposed to do. Now we've had a lot of questions from people who send in what they want me to talk about or what they want my husband to talk about, related to marriage. And I think one of the ones that has stood out is this issue to do with marriages that don't last marriages that maybe run for even two weeks, one month and the next thing you hear of Turlock and so I think it's important we address that question I do. I've given a little background of when I was courting Marian, and what both families had to do. And in today's marriages, enough time isn't given in investigating the bride to be and the groom to be and quiet and quiet and quiet. It is among the

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requirements when you are seeking a partner that sufficient investigations are done to know about the attitude, the culture, the mannerisms and characteristics of each person. It is as that is going on. And hopefully a positive result is given to us that we also embark upon a Sahara. Now, what we've found out in a lot of these marriages these days, sufficient time is not allocated to investigating individuals and families do not sincerely embark upon is to harass seeking Allah guidance. I like to show them if this union will be beneficial to each of the two people interested in one another and ultimately to be beneficial to the oma. So when we ignore those guidelines,

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without doubt, we are walking into disaster. It's not a

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The looks, it's not about the name, the wealth. I remember when we got married the next day, my father in law called Maria Medina. And the first thing he said, which he said in house, I will translate it into English. If the two of you

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were in love with each other because of your looks,

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shake me lame who said that will fade in time. So it better be based on something far deeper than just your looks.

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That was very, very serious advice coming from my father in law the day after the guy, you know, so I think a lot of people who are going into marriages are doing it hastily. Not doing their homework. And you need to take your time I told you the courtship was four years. Our courtship was four years, it was after that courtship that are still investigated. Yeah. And I think in spite of the investigation, we need to be careful about our fantasies, we need to be careful about the things we read the things we want, because sometimes, those are the things that make us so excited to get married. And we rush into it with the expectations that things would be beautiful and rosy, Rosy.

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And at the end of the day, you haven't done Yes, you haven't done and you need to be the right person. Before you look for Mr. Right or miss right, you need to make sure you are in order if you are in need of something, you're in need of someone to complete you because that is such a common terminology. You hear people say, my spouse completes me it means you were incomplete to start with the right phrase to it's such a wrong phrase, I think complement is a better word where you have you are a work in progress. I think both of us see ourselves as a work in progress. And we're working on ourselves. But then we're partnering with each other to make sure we fix our flaws. So we please one

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another. So realistic expectations about marriage, and more patience. Now, I'm not saying patience in the sense of suffering, silence of suffering, abuse inside taking any kind of abuse, emotional, financial, or physical. Exactly. We're not talking about that kind of patients, but patients that you are putting in effort patient to see the results of your hard work. And then working on creating a code of conduct. Of course, you need to agree on this better before you get married, agree on certain things you will do a culture for your marriage that hopefully by the time you get married, you can only build on that. I remember one simple rule. Someone said when you look at a woman that

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you want to marry you imagine would you like your children to be like that woman? Yeah. And the same thing applies to the women when they look at a man and they see his characteristics and they say his attitude, his habits. They also ask themselves would we like would I like to have children that will be like this man. And but these are some of the advices we want to give you when it comes to spousal selection to reduce the amount of divorces, a lot of homework has to go up front so that the back end survives. And now also I remembered Another thing is don't give in to pressure. Don't allow people to pressurize you to get married, that your biological clock is ticking. Or how come your

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sisters your friends have all gotten married, you're the last woman standing or last men standing. So many get married for the wrong reasons. And unfortunately, that's part of why a lot of these marriages don't work. So make sure you are ready and you are complete, and then go and look for someone who will compliment you inshallah, I know the issues.

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Exactly, that's another one that comes up a lot where you find sexual frustration you find spouses that are not satisfied. intimacy is such a sensitive topic. However, it is so important it has to feature you have to be able to satisfy your spouse's in my fantasies and their physical needs to be able to make sure you resist the risk of temptation. Part of the obligation of marriage to a man is to satisfy the wife's needs to be kind to the wife to make sure in so doing, he and the wife are both chased. You do not want to starve your partner sexually, whether it's the wife or the husband, because that leads to trouble. So in that regard, sometimes we get into marriages extremely shy,

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both male and female, you have to just take off that toga and have an honest conversation with each other. If you can't do it face to face, you can write it but you need to communicate communication is very important. So that that aspect is addressed. And I'm going to go a little bit adult here, even during the act.

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A man needs to ask the wife if she is enjoying

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What's happening, you need to communicate, you are partners in a relationship in which each one's needs are supposed to be met by the other. So it's not a one way street where it's always the man that gets to get satisfaction, the man needs to also take off that ego, the pride, and asked his wife, are you enjoying this? Are you enjoying that? Or what would you like instead of this or that? So please, make the effort, communicate, discuss, so that you are both satisfied in that department. Yeah. And I think another thing that is important is part of the this issue to do with intimacy is there needs to be variety. Boredom is a recipe for disaster. And there's a metaphor that my brother

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uses water that sits still starts to smell, if you if you allow

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a routine, like it's always This time, it's always this position. And that position, there's no variety, there's no excitement, there's no anticipation, there's nothing new, nothing fresh. Unfortunately, it's a recipe for boredom. And boredom is a recipe for disaster. So make sure you be adventurous. This thinks that it's said about being shy when it comes to your spouse, there is nothing like that. There are no boundaries, as long as you don't go into those areas with

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no sex, no sex.

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And when a woman is not a period, and when she is during her menstrual cycle, you're not supposed to engage in an intimacy, that is any physical intercourse, but your spouse can still satisfy you, your spouse can still be very intimate with you, and make sure that you are still getting that fulfillment that you look for. So this issue to do with intimacy as we wrap this episode up is an important one, there are about several other topics that inshallah we will be covering. However, it is important, I think, most especially this thing to do with intimacy. Some of us women are shy. We don't want to express how we feel. We don't want to see whether we are satisfied or not. But we end

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up being frustrated, develop a culture with your spouse develop the atmosphere that makes it okay and conducive, it's relaxed, that you can actually talk about it without feeling embarrassed without feeling shy about it. Because it's important. It's both of you being satisfied. You're both taking something, getting something out of the relationship. I know we had this person who reached out to us that her spouse is not able to get an erection. And of course, this is something some people aren't aware of that you can actually get certain you can see a doctor who will be able to prescribe so seek professional advice. Speak to a doctor. I think another thing I know the lady specifically

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mentioned is that her spouse does not want to see a doctor. You can see the doctor on his behalf if it's possible, but you do have to try and convince your spouse so that they are ready to try various ways of making sure you also get satisfaction when it comes to the intimacy department. So join us during the next episode. We have a few more things to share with you from the comments and the topics you want us to talk about. We look forward to having you Assalamu alaikum. salaam aleikum warahmatullah wabarakatuh