Talking About The Family Problem

Khalid Yasin


Channel: Khalid Yasin

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Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah but to catch the dollar in America so dedicate yourself to sort of potentially admirable should only go

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to a job

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in Makkah solution

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ship an idea for

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our branch go Hello makia

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Hi Ellie.

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Was she a mom? And she said yes you

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somebody a role model

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learn from his fellow tala

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Nelson just try and introduce the topic to the

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viewers. And what what I would like to do it in this program tonight is crucial when you speak English. And if you have an equation in Somalia have gotten the topic in hand, then inshallah I will be able to translate for the truth I'm going to show you that answer. If Allah says so inshallah Tada. Tonight the top I look under the simpler Hawaiian, and some yellow area. So all your

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info below for

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Thomas Omar,

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you want to see what is the root cause of all these things that are causing trouble Willow the youth, in general, they call they go to the schools and they learn and they behave as we all ought to. So one of the things that inshallah they ask you to see is, what is the root cause? What is the background of the problems that we have?

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ourselves, not only just for the Somali community, for the mission community,

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welcome to Universal. And I'm very grateful to Allah unto you that you give us this time and we know how you're

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chasing it. We're very grateful. You're here tonight. Welcome to the Bravo show.

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Closer to law school, Scott, Scott, how are you? You know, that

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was unexpected shala and Alhamdulillah, shape shift. As you know, you travel a lot, and you meet a lot of different people, and you hear people's and their concerns regarding the Muslim youth as a whole. Although, I don't want to generalize that all Muslim youth are bad. We know that most of the Muslim youth around the world, they are amazing. They doing what they're supposed to do. I'll be very proud of them. But every now and then you hear stories and stuff.

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What is the background problem that we are Muslim community faced in the West in terms of culture, culture, clash and language barriers, different religions? How do you see a shift?

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Similar, I think that what we are experiencing here in Britain,

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we are experiencing the same in North America. And in my travels, we are experiencing the same as minorities wherever we are. And it has the problem has come about as a result of social dysfunction.

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This is the terminology that's used in the the circles of Human Services, social dysfunction. This is where citizens of a particular society, for some reason, they're not integrating. They're not assimilating, they're not appreciating a lot of different confrontations. And challenges are debilitating them. And the children didn't come here on their own. They're part of a unit of family. So if this dysfunction inside of a family or a family has social dysfunction, through isolation or cultural

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insistence, the children as a byproduct of that. So if this fire in the house,

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even the fire doesn't touch anybody, this smoke touches everything. You know, it's like being in a house where people are smoking cigarettes. Somebody doesn't smoke cigarettes, but they get secondhand smoke. So our youth to be fair, as you said, most of them are very good young people with tremendous potential and they are doing well.

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But people don't speak about what is good. What is obvious to people is what is bad if I'm wearing a white, so the fact that the whole phone was pressed and white and everything but if I've got an ink spot, because my pen is leaking, what the what the eyes go directly to is that that that that ink so as the

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Working in human services and working with young people and having a heart and an empathy for young people, I just want to be fair that I think we need to clinically diagnose the situation properly. So that we are not blaming, but what we are doing is we are evaluating so that we can find the solution and then apply it.

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And in this issue of social dysfunction, I think that the people who carry the greatest amount of responsibility, in spite of the fact that all of our young people who are 15 years old and older, and I'm using that as an age, because 15 has a specific meaning in shall he terminology, that at the age of 15, young people are share some responsibility.

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But I think that the the onus, or the greater part of the responsibility of the adults, the parents, and I think that the parents have to adapt and accept that part of the responsibility, otherwise, they will be in denial, and they will be blaming the children. And the children will realize at certain point, that they're not all to blame, that they're going to blame the parents. So if you get parents and children blaming each other, then you've got confrontation and polarization. Okay. And once who probably going to suffer the most in that kind of situation, are the children, because the parents already have their culture.

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And their experience and their maturity to fall back on, the children don't understand, probably, in this particular case, the Somali children, they don't understand the cultural dynamics, they cannot appreciate because they don't have the level of maturity.

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They are, what what they do understand by just empirical experience, is the dynamics of the society where they're being raised. And what without having the tools, many of them are making the wrong choices. And you can make a wrong choice one time in your life, and it can impact on the rest of your life. So I kind of think that myself that

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we need to bring first parents together, and have workshops, real discussions, where we can pull back to scab

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where we can, where we can talk straight, because, you know, when a person finds themselves with a legal problem,

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if you're lying to your lawyer, your attorney, then you're probably headed for a real bad decision. Secondly, if you're not being honest with your doctor,

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then I don't think that the the, the

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answer to the medicine he's going to give you is going to be correct. And I don't think that the process of healing is going to take place. So we need to sit down and have real discussions, and not feel that we're being blind. But that we're discussing it to get to get at the real problems. And once we get at the real problems,

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we'll find that when we start to resolve the problem with the parents, the parents will have a much greater tool and empathy to understand what's going on with the children, then we're going to find children are going to appreciate that parents have acknowledged their share of the blame. And then the process is going to start So start with communication, open communication, real communication. And I don't think that this communication can be done between the the parents and the children without an arbitrator. Right. So So, for instance, I find myself, in many cases, doing this arbitration as a neutral party. And I'm not so neutral because I'm married to a Somali lady.

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So I do understand, in many cases, the cultural dynamics, but I'm neutral in the sense that

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I'm in between the parents and the children, because of my mental disposition. My mental disposition is that I take upon I take upon the mentality of the young people at will.

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Not many people are able to do that, meaning that I can metamorphosis, at will and take upon the disposition of young people so that I can get into them. Okay, secondly, I am an adult. Okay, I am a father. You know, I'm a parent. So, so I don't have to metamorphosis to do that. So when I'm sitting in that arbitration situation, parents can't hide from me the real dynamics of parenting, right, and young people they can't hide, okay, you know, the feelings that they're having and the frustrations that they're going through, because I have already taken upon their mental disposition. So the arbiter has the

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ability in that case, to basically remain reasonably neutral, and to basically build a bridge between the two parties. Okay, and it is that bridge, we need to build a bridge, a bridge. And the problem with parents in most cases, they don't want to say they want to admit they've lost touch

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with their children, they don't want to admit that everything good doesn't lie within their culture.

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Right, they don't want to admit that their children have discovered some powerful facets in this new society that the parents haven't acknowledged. Right? So what we need to do as an avatar is to establish those things in the best way that we can. Sometimes we have to be raw,

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verbally raw, you know, it's like, bring out the dough, bring it out, it's like radical surgery, or, okay.

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If you're going under the knife, in your you're anesthetized, you don't feel it, you don't realize it, but this is radical surgery, it's happening. Well, to get to the problem of the social dysfunction, we have to be brutally honest. And we have to go under the knife of our own criticisms, right. And we have to discuss that the good of this culture or the good of this culture, but where,

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where the lack of

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the two cultures homogenizing meeting together. So I think that we have to start with, with profound discussions, workshops, with the parents, workshops with the youth, and then after workshops with the parents in workshops with the youth, then bringing the youth and the parents together to have what we call shout outs. Right. Now, you know, a shout out is like, where children have a venue where they know now that they can say to their parents, what they really want to say, openly, openly. Now we set rules of decency, and respect and all of that detail. But nevertheless, children have to receive a chance to say what they want to say, without reproach, or the other thing is that

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parents have to be given the opportunity to exercise their real feelings about their children without the children becoming emotional, you know.

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and angry, okay. And storming out of the house. No, no, in this case, they can't start out, no deal. They've got to sit, you've got to discuss it. And afterwards, you'll find that the process begins, right. So where we start this is talking, we got to bring parents together.

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And they've got the throwback for lack of an expression that he jammed.

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Because as long as you cover stuff up for them, you're in denial. And you know, that's not a river in Egypt, right? No

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One of the things that often people pointing finger to his

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family breakdown where there is no father figure in the house and you know, boys, especially when they get into certain age, they want that male figure that you know, whole mother, father figure to play with to go places with to talk to, they often don't listen to mothers, not all of them, just few handful ones.

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Could family break down the impact of the young people's lives. And from there on, they may go even astray and leave school and rules are things that we don't want them to do. Without be part of the bubble you're like, most certainly, I'm a

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I'm a product of family breakdown. I grew up in without my father for I realized, I realized now that probably from the age of 15, to 25,

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I was still very much angry,

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And without balance, because I didn't take those traits that I needed. The masculine strong

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traits. I didn't take those from my father, they were absent. So where do I get them from?

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society, okay.

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I think that what we need to do in this case is that we need to go out and find and recruit the fathers or because in most cases, the fathers are here, right?

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They're not back home alone. They're not in the mainstream of their child's life, right?

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Because men have ego. And because men have ego, they don't like to be in a situation where it's obvious that the blame is theirs, or the responsibility is this. So the men are sitting somewhere in coffee shops are watching Al Jazeera, or, you know, talking about a cultural, historical, political and other kinds of things, because it's nostalgia. Okay. But but but the mothers, the mothers are indication for the mothers are doing what mothers do.

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Often. So I found something very phenomenal and instill in all the immigrant communities but but more profoundly, in the Somali community, and they have a, they have a unique characteristic of their immigration to the west, as opposed to many other immigrants. And I have seen in the last 40 years, all the waves of immigrants are the most probably the most profound, or the most unique

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group immigration group that I have seen other Somalis are familiar ways. And I think in most cases,

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with compliment, you know, not, not with contradiction with compliment. So, but I think what the smaller community in particular needs to take into consideration is that there are some major factors that are contributing to the social dysfunction. Okay, and family breakdown, and the polarization between parents and children. And, and definitely one of them has to be the fact that men are not directly involved in the domestic

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interrelations why because perhaps,

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back home, it was sort of a, you know, for the Father, you know, to be like washing dishes, cleaning the house, helping the mother deal with the kids, you know, saying, well, it's just a woman job, okay. But,

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and that might work in that culture. But it doesn't work here. Okay. So I think that we need to discuss that, that problem so that we can, we can correct and resolve that breakdown because that family breakdown that we're seeing. It is not permanent. And it is not irreconcilable. It has to be recognized. It has to be recognized. And we have to come up with a solution. And then we have to begin to apply the solution. And they actually are very grateful to you. There's a Lancer jumped up. I'm told there's people that want to talk to you.

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We will talk about the topic in hand. We don't want to talk about other things as I hope you guys are watching me speak English so the shift can hear you and address you rather than me translating if you are kids home, or teenagers or anyone else who's able to speak, let them speak for you. inshallah,

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you'll be able to

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talk to the shipper straight

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rather than me being intermediate. And hello. Hello, welcome.

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Alabama shop.

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Got you. Okay.

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Can I have your name first, please? My name is Amal. I'm a local Where are you calling from? I'm calling from them from Birmingham. Okay. So the shoot is right here. Okay.

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Do the show on Youtube itself, I've benefited a lot and myself spreading the message

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in a way that the officers understand. And I just got a question for the shift because I would like to just ask your question, if possible, use possible our mother's luminosities is with the tropical harmony shala. And what

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are you watching?

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Right now? Okay, so it is good is good. What we're talking about is how can we deal with the youth issues that we face in today here in the West?

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What are the solutions? Or what are the background problems that the root cause of all this? Before we get to the solution, and shall we shall I say,

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experience? I've seen that a lot.

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And especially when people determine their level

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of wealth and the goal of

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life, and I just want to ask you that when is it possible that I can ask you a question when you're ready?

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Am I able to ask him right now? Yes. Okay. And first of all, I just want to ask you, Jesse, and

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in February 2008, she offered to deliver a lecture

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in East London. And he's been with the grid over the course of two quotes and a one on one meeting. He saw

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that his name

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for this protocol says

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that communicate.

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and we seem to be on record, but he appears when he left him, however, 48 hours later, he received the

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journal scholarship, I was just gonna say, where does that fit in our discussion today? It doesn't. It doesn't. So I'm on social versus that unless you have another question relevant to the topic in hand, then then then that is totally an entirely different topic. So forgive me, 70 there. And thank you very much for calling next caller. Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah.

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Once again. Yeah. What is the limit?

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This is the shift right here.

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Scott? Yes.

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And Kotaku said, Hey, she's just saying that the Quran is not for the creation. Why is it on the table? I don't know if she was on the floor or somewhere else? Because there are houses on the table, isn't it?

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I mean, what would you like the cutoff to be my sister if not on the table?

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Or you know that? I don't know she had it. And if you don't mind, this is the arm of Yeah, yes. Just a mile.

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She was reading. She was not asking a question. Or she was reading something that somebody produced our here. Okay, so the first of all, in Islam, we don't assume that some information that that reached us, or that it has any legitimacy, right? until it has been tested. You just remind me in Jericho festival, and because it is so. So, first of all the sisters, she should throw away what she's reading, because it's subjective for anyone. And if she's looking for a response or something, she should start at the point. Okay, of objectivity. That means I don't I don't understand this, or that. I don't take a position of this or that, but I'm just seeking an answer. Right? Even though

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this is not relevant to the topic itself. Since she asked the question over the air. What I'd like to just say to the system, is that what she's reading was a spurious communication that was sent out

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through the email as blog vomit, I hear you. Okay. So, Allah has ordered us that when somebody vomits or into our ear, okay, that we don't take any position regarding that except to reject it. Okay. And if you're not a part of the solution, why carry it? Okay. It's better for you to say, that has to be a lie. That's not correct. If it's if it disturbs or if it

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if it if it if it disturbs or aggravates somebody's character, whatever, we Muslims, we don't want to do that. Okay. So I would just probably say that she should send that communication back to where it came from for Okay, or if it is something that she feels or other Muslims feel needs to be resolved, then we should bring in some people who the Muslim community considers to be

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arbitrary arbitrators that they could weigh the situation and come up with some kind of resolution and if we don't do that if we cannot do that, then we're basically doing is we're just carrying trash from one place to another and allies orders that's not to do that did my school

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brother Can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you loud and clear brother.

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I got a question for the Schick

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man you know me I'm

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sure a radical equation for Bernard

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Shaw and sidama hula hula.

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That's my sort of sandwich. Okay?

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We're here and

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so I'll leave the TV alone. I'm not okay.

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However, as long as I can, okay.

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So sometimes they wait to hear themselves over the phone or the TV before they reply. And the person is still on the line and we're talking to them. Hello, next person as well, you

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know, can I connect to the next school?

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So, sister, can you speak up loud? Please?

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When you see me,

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Can we speak up, please? Because we can't hear you. Well, my name is

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Joe, question for the show. Yeah, go ahead.

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Control Room calco como como and

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I have a question for the ship. My own quote, he passed away a few days ago. And he

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he was in hospital the last fall. So can I

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can I fought for him both.

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Your uncle passed away and you're wondering, you're wondering whether you're called fossil Rafi Yeah, no, we don't we don't find anything that I recall from the Prophet sallallahu snam that we fast on behalf of someone who passed away you're fasting is your fasting is about a cut for you. It is not about a cut for the other person, your prayers about a cut for you and not about a cut for the person who died or what you can do for your uncle as you can make dry for him. And that would be the best thing that you can do for your uncle

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a lot for the love of life. The other thing that you could do for your uncle is that you could establish some work on behalf of your uncle. So that the the setup from jatiya which you establish on his behalf the the the the Agile of that workers will go towards your uncle because you establish it on his behalf so they withdraw and and establishing some ammo.

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You can do the best thing I think for your uncle but we don't fast and pray as as

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often. The half of people want us to wait. And indeed, I hope you're satisfied next call us

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Hello. salaam aleikum.

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Hello, nice caller.

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Right. I don't think that person should.

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rally to salon some refer to advocate

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Hallo Bella.

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Okay, I'm totally not that berberian quarterback. I'm talking about.

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problems that we face in here in the West, the Muslims come from a different country, there's a lot of barriers to come over a

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lot of young people when they are born in this country, or America, when they when a chef comes from back home. Sometimes they don't understand the language. And they prefer English speaking shifts that understand their problem and can convey the message.

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How important is in your eyes just to have a lot of shifts that understand the culture understand the dean, and also can convey the doubt in their mother tongue, ie English or Dutch or how important is that? Well, I just want to demonstrate, I just want to demonstrate, I want to respond to the question. I've just demonstrated something very clearly. Which one of us would like to go to a hospital

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and have the doctor talking to us in a language that we don't understand. Okay, and then the doctor through a translator saying that he's going to have to perform radical surgery upon us. But he doesn't understand my language and I don't understand his language, which one of us would feel comfortable doing that? Well, probably nobody. So having said that,

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it is highly important that parents understand that children who have been in America five to 10 years Okay, English becomes the principal language. In fact, they even dream in English for okay if they dream and they are communicating their emotions and they are putting forward their ideas.

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In English, and of course, they're going to speak the mother tongue with able to do so inside the home inside domestic and all of that, then that's normal for everybody. But the English language becomes the mother tongue. And and it's I know that

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people who themselves have first generation immigrants, they don't like to think that someone has adopted the mother tongue of a foreign country. But that's just ideality it's not reality, the reality is that your children have adopted this by us Moses for just by the surrounding itself, and we have to subscribe to that for so the idea of having a conference and bringing over five or 10 shoe, you're from the mother country, okay? to communicate to these children

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is good for the parents, but it's not good for the children. Okay, what, what those what those children need more than anything, okay, is that they need at least one person who understands their language, who understands their mental and emotional disposition, who understands the dynamics of the society, and can and can react and respond and integrate with them through that vehicle. Okay. And what happens is that the Shu, who come from the mother country, may find that the children are not responding to them at all. And they've responded to this one other person, or so they don't, in many cases respond well to that.

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But I think that what we need to do is step back from the table and not tried to be

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simply appealing, or to the invited people, or not,

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sort of like the putting down the throat of our children, the values of the mother culture itself, but we should want to set up an atmosphere of conduct of meaningful communication. So if a young group of young kids go to a lecture or a Mahavira,

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and he has a whole day of lectures, okay, in the mother tongue, which they could appreciate the culture and all of that, but they're not getting any satisfaction, okay? Or meaningful communication. They're just being there to, they're kind of like, apologetic, and they just do this for the parents, and all of that dead, but when they leave, they're telling each other for, you know, I don't want to go back to this, I don't even want to stay there. And so I think that what we need to do is, again, plan these kinds of events, and have people involved who understand those dispositions, who understand the society who can recommend to you that we put a component in there

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that basically builds that bridge of communication and I think then we're going to get a more we're going to get a more powerful of results at the end.

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We've got more callers on the line. Hello. salaam aleikum.

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My name is Alia. Alia, welcome to the program. Thank you brothers. I just want to ask a

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question. Okay. And the question is, brother that I like to go this year insha, Allah and Ramadan.

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But the question is, you know, I want to travel with my two sisters

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with the brothers.

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and the thing is,

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and the thing is that

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my brothers and my two sisters, they have brothers, that we grew up together. So basically my stepfather, can he be a Muslim? I mean, because I'm traveling with my other two sisters. And my mom, is that okay, she?

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I just wanted to know that question for Ali. Thank you The shift, I've heard you shift is outside of the topic. So thank you. Okay. I was just an alias and I'm only going to go to first of all this is this is not a unique question or circumstance.

00:34:33--> 00:35:00

There are 1000s of sisters in different countries who are in the same situation as yourself. And the majority of the scholars in the in the world today have already addressed this topic. And what I have understood that they have said, first of all, your brother in law's they can never be your mom. Okay, that's number one. They are not your mom. They are the man for their wives or for their direct family.

00:35:00--> 00:35:07

numbers. And of course, your sisters. They also cannot be your mme, because they are women. However,

00:35:08--> 00:35:50

because you want if you are making Hajj, the Hajj is legit upon you. Then the scholars they said, you can travel with a group. Okay, as long as you're not in halwa with anyone, you're not in cyber with Indian men, but you are in the public and you're traveling for hygiene since Hodges was up and binding upon you. And you may not get this chance again, I'll have the money again. Yes, you can go to Hajj, although they say that if you can wait until you have mounted on it is better for you. But if you cannot wait, you will not get the opportunity you can go. But in the case of oma, it does not bind it upon you. So therefore, I would say to your sister, you should not make Umbra with someone

00:35:50--> 00:36:09

who is not your Muharram. And you should not try to go and make ombre traveling by yourself. Why? Because you will violate the rules, and that you're valid the rules of the Islamic adult regarding the woman, and that you should wait for an opportune time that you can travel, having a maharam with you,

00:36:11--> 00:36:15

alone knows the best of the best social official should,

00:36:17--> 00:36:18

if we could sort of

00:36:19--> 00:36:36

come to some sort of solution for all this poll by summing up for us, I'll hand it over to you and Sharla. For the remaining time, I think that I'd like to say to the to the parents give a message first to the parents. And as a parent,

00:36:37--> 00:36:55

and person traveling around the world and kind of seeing the situation on a broader scale than most parents. I see that the problem. And the solution begins with discussion, but genuine, sincere, discussion,

00:36:56--> 00:37:02

open and real discussions or discussions between the parents,

00:37:03--> 00:37:09

mothers and fathers need to sit down and have these discussions with other mothers and fathers

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who are experiencing the same thing, but because of pride

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and cultural shame.

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They don't want to discuss these and they don't discuss them. Well, you can put the dirt under the rug for a long time. But sooner or later, there's going to be a pile of dirt. And you're going to break your ankle.

00:37:29--> 00:37:42

Okay, so that's what we say, there's a pile of dirt. And soon you're going to step on that pile of dirt and you're going to break your ankle. So it's probably better to just not sweep the dirt under the rug.

00:37:43--> 00:38:30

just sweep it up and put it where it's supposed to so we can resolve it. I think it starts with a sincere and open dialogue and discussion. The next thing is parents need to set up situations where they can sit and talk with the children with an arbitrator in the middle and opposite, so that we set some rules. And parents can say what they want to say, children can say what they want to say, but within the proper context, okay. And what happens by doing that is the pressures of released. But see, once the pressures are released, then you'll find out that people can receive information and give information without pressure without undue aggravated emotion.

00:38:31--> 00:38:35

So I think if we start out by this kind of discussion, holding workshops,

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having seminars, having one on one discussions between mothers and fathers, having fathers to get together and and sit down and discuss their issues. That's one thing, then the next thing is that we need to have the same kinds of workshops and discussions between young people. We used to talk to young women and young men, and then bring those young men and women together, okay, and discuss their problems openly. Because they do discuss their problems with other young men and women, sometimes they're not Muslims. And then we take it from that stage, where now we bring the parents and the young people who have had the discussions. We bring them together now. Okay, so we can see

00:39:20--> 00:40:00

that by the time we've been together, we've reduced pressure and really examine the problems. Let's look at taking our share of the blame or now we're prepared to attack the problem of this social dysfunction. Okay, and this, this breakdown of family, and the challenges that this new society has, has sort of like thrown upon us. I think if we take that process, and it's a painful process, but you know, every trip starts with one step. And we've got to take those steps. And, and I'd like to say also here that I commend the

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Mothers, because in most cases they do, they carry a double load.

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So I like to commend the mothers who are carrying a double load. And on top of that they are themselves the symbol of Islam in this country, not the fathers, or if there's if there's, if there's, if there's a symbol for Islam in this country is to hijab.

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And I'd like to compliment our Somali sisters and mothers, because more than any other group of immigrants, they have retained that symbol. And, and they have done so in a very brave and commendable way.

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However, I think what we need to do is to say to our brothers, the fathers of the uncles, the older, the fathers, the uncles, the older brothers, I'd like to say that I think we need to work more upon them. Why because it's the absence of the voice is the absence of the presence, that I think that has exacerbated and accomplish complicated. This, this set of problems, and that if these men are willing to lower their pride, and their their ego, okay, and, and put those cultural issues to the side, and sit and listen, and respond, and, and maybe every now and then a father needs to put his arm around his son, give a son a kiss, give someone a hug. Maybe you need to walk down the street,

00:41:33--> 00:41:53

with your son, maybe you need to visit, go with your son to some of the places that he goes to, whether it's a basketball game or a soccer game, or show up at the school to see about your son. I think that if, if we may you're able to do that. I think we would make probably the most powerful contribution to this whole job.

00:41:54--> 00:41:55


00:41:56--> 00:42:48

we are running out of time but it would really love to have you more and more. However, tomorrow there's two luxuries that you're having tomorrow one in the morning from 10pm to I think they mentioned here 10am in the morning, but it says 10pm to 4pm. But I think it's other way around. Yes. That is taking place. A reason that Alicia in reading and the postcode is RG one eight e Q is a very important lecture. Take the entire family with you and enjoy the day. Don't worry about anything else. Either Mashallah, you will learn a lot from this and take the children with you entire family, the husband, the maidens, insha Allah. And the admission of that is only a firefighters loving, and

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some of that, let's just move from 66 in the evening to 1011 o'clock at night, there will be a lecture by shift added and that lecture on the festivals that lecture will be in Sharla. The state of oma that we in today or

00:43:06--> 00:43:15

you can attend that in Charlotte, there's a free parking. We were building our family is very important. You get a Charlotte Chicago overgrip of dollars.

00:43:17--> 00:43:25

You pay for coming. How do you buy Jamal AJ either commercially into the brochures I want to say about it together with the

00:43:27--> 00:43:28