Kamal El-Mekki – How To Win And Influence Friends – Pt 1

Kamal El-Mekki
AI: Summary © The speakers discuss the importance of avoiding confusion and misunderstandings in the Muslim community and avoiding giving up on others. They stress the need for people to pay attention to their emotions and avoid giving up on others. The speakers also discuss techniques used to help children achieve their goals, including redoing their behavior, respecting their intelligence, and setting goals. They also provide advice on fixing community and bringing up the person in front of oneself to avoid memorizing names and avoid giving up on others.
AI: Transcript ©
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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa salatu salam ala rasulillah I mean Allah Allah, he was so happy I am about.

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Okay, so we've cleared the wave sisters want to come to the front to this, this whole

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please feel free to the left side of the room, your left.

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Okay, so basically, we're going to be talking about

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psychological tools what what the call, like techniques psychological techniques are tools to change people's behavior. And I don't want to spend too much time on introduction. But here's the reason why we chose this topic in particular.

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Number one, our religion is composed of two parts A by that and a lot a battery acts of worship your relationship between you and your Lord, and nominate your dealings and how you behave and deal with your, your fellow Muslim and your fellow human being. And the two extremes are that you will find people focusing on one at the expense of the other. So someone be extremely kind to people, but have no relationship with their Lord. And you find this a lot when it comes to non Muslims. And so they'll say, I'll be very good with everybody and treat everyone with kindness. And when I die, God should treat me well. Okay, but you have to have a relationship with him. So it's not just treating

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people and ignoring your Creator. Then you have the other extreme and this is more you'll find it amongst our communities, you'll find someone focusing hard on the biodata acts of worship, and giving little to no time to how they deal with and interact with people. And from the Hadith of the Prophet said lamb the man who came with mountains of good deeds, because he had a lot of good worship, but he had bad treatment and bad dealings with people. He lost that whole mountain was thrown to the firewall near the villa. So that's the first thing. The other thing is that

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most people are not very conscious of how they deal and treat others. And many times people won't believe what I'm saying. So for this next week, pay attention to how many times people smile at you, and I'm talking in the masjid, within the Muslim community at the Halloween store wherever you go. Pay attention to how many times they'll smile, and greet you or smile and shake your hands. So you pay attention to it and see for yourself. So they'll say very nice and sweet things too. But no smoke if Holic Baraka fake a lot by like left over, but no smell whatsoever. Right? So pay attention to how many people actually smile, pay attention to how many people interrupt, pay attention to how

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many people don't even listen, while you're talking. If you those of you who are very aware of that, when you're talking to someone you can tell when they're not listening to you is very, very clear. And most people are not good at listening is not good at all listening. They tell you a lot and give you one mouth and two ears because it's twice as hard to listen as it is to speak. But most people don't listen, most people are completely unaware of how they deal with others. And I'm sure everyone in this room, someone at some point in your life gave you some like this. They're busy, they're talking to someone else they saw you they give you setup, are you I'm sure you were talking to

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someone. And the third person came, who knew that person but didn't know you and just gave them Sarah. We've all experienced these kinds of things. But it's really sad that that person is completely unaware of how they treat and deal with people. And those of you who pay attention to that you will see that this is the overwhelming problem. I mean, the overwhelming majority of people have this issue. There was a time when I injured my wrist, so is wrapped up. Okay. And that brings you to pay attention even more. So how people are just are so oblivious to how they behave. So my wrist is wrapped up like this from here to here. So I can still shake hands with it, but none of

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this movement. And I'm not exaggerating, people would shake your hand. And then they would notice that it's wrapped up and say, well, let's send him out what happened? Flip it around like that. But that's what happened basically. Okay.

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Recently in Ramadan in New York, one of our brothers, he had rotator cuff surgery. Anyone here experienced that? And may you've never experienced it to me. It's a nightmare, recovery, nightmare pain. So he did it in the beginning of Ramadan. We didn't see him till the end of Ramadan. And he and everyone knows that he is going to do the surgery and his sons were updating us that he was in a lot of pain. He comes finally towards the end of Ramadan with a sling. He said people will come up to him the sling is here the arm is here. He would come. Although I haven't seen you in a while.

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rotator cuff is here by the way, his shoulder, and people would come and smack him on the arm that's in this link. People don't pay attention to how they treat people.

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I was in in a country in Europe and Scandinavia. And that this brother is going to show me around and he knows the history and all the museums. But all day he's doing something super annoying to me and he's not

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He's completely oblivious to how he's treating somebody. So every time he wants to get my attention with the back of his hand like this, he smacks me right here in the forum.

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So all day, brother, let me show some. And let me show you something else all day like this all day. Now, I'm trying to get him to realize you can't be treating people this way, and you pay attention to how you behave.

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So I did something dramatic. So he notices that what he's doing is wrong. So when he would do this, I wouldn't move away like that. Maybe he will notice that I moved away dramatically like this. And what does he do? He just reaches over further.

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to smack,

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the monkey monkey will lie. It's so not acceptable. But the more you pay attention to it, the more you'll see that people don't pay attention. And they're not aware of how they're dealing with others and how they come off to people. But here's the good part. Everybody has the ability to understand people's emotions, expressions, the way they see things, how they say things, and to Intuit emotions. And that one of the easiest examples of that if you ever are flipping channels on the television, then you get to a channel that's in another language, maybe in Spanish, Telemundo, whatever it is, and you don't speak that language. But you watched like four minutes of some show in

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that language you in it's a sit, let's say, it's very cold, those soap opera, you understand exactly what's happening. Why?

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Because now you've lost language. So what do you do, you pay extra attention to everything else, to paying attention to body language, to facial expressions, to voice inflection. And suddenly, you're aware of what's going on? Okay, so she's upset with him, because he did something really, really bad. That guy over there is trying to create the peace, you figured it all out, even though you don't speak the language, because you heightened everything else, you brought it up a notch. And that's what we want to talk about. But realistically, we want to get into some of the techniques for changing behavior. And we said these are called psychological techniques, which are known as tools.

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And the way a tool works, when you go to Lowe's, and you buy a hammer, the packaging of the hammer doesn't tell you every possible way you can use a hammer, you understand how a hammer works. And then you use your creativity to to make a take advantage of that tool. So for example, you buy the hammer, and you can use it to drive in and out, then you can use other side to pull up and then you've got ice you need to break you break the ice with it, you need to discipline your child. The point is you use of course, we're kidding, right?

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You use your your creativity based on how you know the tool works. So what I'm going to try to do, and without stretching it too long, is give at least maybe 11 psychological strategies or tools to changing behavior. And now it's up to you to take this tool and apply it in completely different scenarios. In some of them, I'll give you completely different scenarios and others, you're going to use them with coworkers, you're going to use them with your children, with spouses or with siblings, whatever it is, it's up to you. It's a tool, you can use it in any way you want. So, number one. So number one is that you risk the person that you're dealing with, that you're trying to change or

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what have you, you need to respect their intelligence, and treat them in that way that you trust, you respect their intelligence, this works wonderfully with youth also, you respect their intelligence, they live up to the expectation that you have of them. Because psychologists tell you, that human beings, we have the need for order and consistency. So if I think you're smart, and I tell people that I really think that person is smart, and they tell you, you will always try to act smart in front of me, because you want to remain consistent with what I think of you. So when you respect someone's intelligence, they live up to that expectation. And that standard. There are many

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examples of this. But one of the best stories is that it's a true story. It's this young lady, and she was studying to become a teacher. She graduated from the university and she got her first teaching position. That school that she joined the there was a classroom of the worst failures ever. D's and F's and they don't do their homework, they don't attend class, horrible class, oldest, the teachers knew them over the years. And no teacher wanted to deal with them. So the principal because this is, you know, this is a new person doesn't know that school gave her that class, you teach that class. Nobody told us the worst class or anything. At the beginning of the school year, the

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principal gives her the names of the students, and a three digit number next to the name of each student. And in a few months, they're doing they've got straight A's and B's, and they're doing their homework, and they're writing essays and literature. And they're reading books, and they're showing up at school on time and not skipping class. So the principle was amazed because for years and years, they're just dragging this class from one class to the next, and they barely able to pass that grade. And now they're getting A's in a few months. And this isn't

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experienced teacher, how can What is? What technique does she have? The best teachers couldn't do it. So he called her the principal color to his office. And he said, I give you the worst class in the history of the school for years. They just barely make it to the next grade. And our best, most experienced teachers couldn't deal with them. How did you do it? She said, I didn't do anything. I just treated them based on their IQ level. I spoke to them based on their IQ level. He said, What IQ level? And how did you even know that IQ level? She said the paper gave me at the beginning of the school year

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that had the name and the number next to it. He said those were their locker numbers.

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But she thought she was so should read, you know, Jessie, this and 160. He's a genius. And she didn't tell him, Hey, you're a genius, or your IQ numbers. I she never said that. She just spoke to him. Like he was a genius. And he caught on to that. And there's so many studies, I don't have time to get into them. But they're beautiful studies, where they give someone the wrong information about somebody and they have them speak to them over the phone, and subconsciously in their voice, because they think they're talking to this incredible person, the treat them that way. But it's subconscious. And then they interview that person. And he felt better from the phone call. And that

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person treated them better just because of what they thought of them. So here, she never said, this is your IQ number. And they would have said, How do you know it, but she would see 150 150 545. And she started to treat them like they were intelligent, and they lived up to it. And it's as simple as that. And that's why those of you who have traveled a lot, you go overseas, and sometimes you find young men who are 15 years old, but they behave like a grown man. And they don't lose their innocence or childhood or any of that dramatic stuff. They still enjoy themselves and they enjoy their childhood, but they behave very, very maturely. And then you go to other countries, and you

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find someone in their 40s. And they're

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still playing video games and still this and that and still can't manage finances. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you something.

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So, so I grew up, I grew up around the world, okay. And I came to America in 96. After going to Europe, and many places, my father was a diplomat. And, and I used to listen to this show with a psychologist. People will call her and then they tell her the problems and she'll help them. And I remember, I used to be surprised that people his agent, the guy will call him asking for help with something. Hello, Dr. Laura. I have a problem. Okay, what's your problem? He'll tell her the problem. Oh, Bismillah. And I'm like, 19 listening to this or something. Okay. And then and how old are you? I'm 4545. Did the intermission your grandfather, okay, anyways, the point is, what is what

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is some people mature so quickly, because they're treated as such. What's proof that the prophet SAW Salem and during that time they treated young men that way it First of all, look at the ages of the companions when they became Muslim, as the webinar alarm was 15

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obey the law 16.

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Saudi Arabia cost 17, their young men, and they went and gave them down because they consider them young men. Another proof during the Battle of butter, the army advances a little bit. Then in the beast, I'll send them inspects the troops, the soldiers, and he takes the kids out what we would call kids today, like 11, and 12, and 13. And some 14 year olds were thinking out, the question really is, why was the 12 year old in the army to begin with? That's the question. And the answer is that in that society that 12 year old was treated like a young man. So he felt capable. If you treat someone like they're capable, they live up to it. And if you treat them like they're a child, and

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they're incapable, or you know, magically, when you become a teen, you'll become a man and you become mature 70 or 21. That's the next obstacle. The old mental blocks. You treat someone like they're intelligent, they live up to that expectation.

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And that's why they told you when a child does something wrong, you tell them that was a naughty thing. You did you don't call him a naughty boy. It's just the action. That was bad. That was a bad thing you did not you're a bad boy. Because then that's how they will see themselves. All right. So that's number one. whoever you're dealing with whoever it is, treat them and like you respect their intelligence. The second technique is to readjust goals. If you want to change someone's behavior, you change their goals. Why? Because behavior is linked to a goal. So this is a true story. Young man wants to become a professional soccer player. What do you think he's doing all the time? How is

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he spending his time?

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Playing soccer training, watching it, reading about it, talking about it, even playing it on his video game. That's it. It's all about soccer. His father wants him to become a businessman and study business and read about business and look at the news for stocks and this and that. Do you think it's gonna happen? It will never happen because your actions are linked to a goal.

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Your actions are linked to a goal. You want to become a singer, guess what your actions will look like.

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singing in the shower, singing, singing all the time, and writing poetry and maybe learning an instrument is linked to the goal. So the father kept nagging the child, study business, read about business, look at this, read this journal, and chose not interested in it, because they have another goal. So one way to change behavior is to re adjust the goal. And this was a technique that was used by a very wise woman. The mother of Imam Malik Rahim Allah and Rahim Allah when Imam Malik is you know, when he was a young boy, what did he want to become

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a singer. So what does singers do, he'll be spending time with poets and writers and, and people who write melodies, and instruments and sing in the shower and sing all day. And by nagging him, she's not going to change that behavior. So she did it because she was a wise woman. She readjusted his goals. And she took him from wanting to become a singer to wanting to become an A young scholar or scholar. And she did some very interesting thing. She dressed them up like a young scholar. And this is what we do to our children now. Right? We go and buy them the doctor kit from the from the toy store. And so they come with a stethoscope, and they check everyone's heartbeat. And then they've

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got, you know, a little scalpels, and they've got little syringes and to give everyone shots in the house. Or we make them fall in love with being a police officer. So they get the little badge and the stick and they go around hitting black people and shooting people.

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Okay, we're kidding. So but the point is, they,

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they fall in love with that profession, or they want to become a firefighter or a vet. She dressed him up like a little chef. So he was he was so young, that he couldn't let him go to the masjid for fudger. on his own, it was too dark, he was too small, she's to accompany him. So you can imagine how young he was. And she dressed him like a little chef, if you could see him now. And I always say I would love one day after the gym, a father will bring his son or his daughter upon the member to look up the chef, speak to people, make them love the profession, just like we make them love being a doctor and whatever, by them, the mid military things and all that stuff.

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So she made him love being a scholar and want to be and to become a scholar. And she dressed them up for the part and she supported him. So naturally, he stopped singing. Right? Your actions are linked to a goal. If his goal now is to become a great scholar of Islam, what do you think his actions would be halaqaat and memorization and Vicar and learning and so on. So your he was able to completely change his actions without any nagging. And just by readjusting his goals, and goals or actions are always linked to a goal. So sometimes you're able to readjust the goals. And you can fix a lot of problems. You can even apply this like we actually applied this with a co worker of ours A

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long time ago. And he basically, his his goal was to have to live a fun life or a happy life, but he compute confused happiness with fun. And as you know, fun is short lived, right? So someone goes to the amusement park, they get on a roller coaster, they scream as they're coming down the roller coaster. But when they get an event to drive home, they're not screaming on the way home either. Because the fun is gone is short lived. And happiness is a longer, more resounding feeling. So his he confused fun and happiness. And His goal was to have a happy life by having a lot of fun. So his goal was to always go to this party and that party and be kayaking and doing doing all these kinds

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of things constantly. And so we want, basically, or we just wanted to readjust his goal from wanting to live life like that running around to a better goal, which is to have a relationship with the Creator. So the question and it is very simple. You're not going to be impressed by this, but it's just using the same technique. So I said, Okay, so you're 26 years old, and you've been to a lot of parties. We've had a lot of fun, right? As we're sitting here right now having lunch. This was a co worker. Do you have any of that with you right now? All those memories, all the fun? So many parties, you've probably forgotten a lot of them that you have nothing to take from this right now.

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Right? So yeah, it's just old memories. Some of them are gone and everything said, Okay, so what would you rather that you become a 60 year old man and you look back at your life? And it's just memories that were lost that you cannot benefit from? Or would you rather investing your time in something that will help you after you die?

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And he said, You're right. All the fun I've had until now it's just memories, and I've forgotten a lot of it. And there's nothing I can benefit from right now. So wouldn't it make it worse than that? Wouldn't it make sense for you to invest your time in worshipping your Creator so that when you die, you've got a life of obedience to Allah relationship with Allah. And this guy, like we would describe him as what people call an airhead, you know? And he really was someone like that every sentence began ended with and had the word dude in the middle, you know, and now this

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guy who is just so fun oriented, suddenly is realizing the logic of make of investing your time with Allah subhanaw taala

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similar, just readjusting the goal can change all the parting, nagging doesn't work, actually nagging kills. And that's why men die before women. The point is,

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so we're just kidding, right sisters.

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Now, there are many other techniques. One of them is to get people to set their own goals and their own objectives or their own solutions. Now, I want to show where I learned this technique, and completely different scenarios where we've applied the technique because we're talking about tools, you can take a tool and apply it in a completely different scenario. So I was taking a class on

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research methods. And the professor did something very strange. At the beginning of the semester, he allowed us to set our grading scale, he said, so you know, the grading scale, the professor gives you at the beginning of the year that says, the midterm is 25% of the grade homework is 10% of your grade attendance is that that's the grading scale, right? So he said, you can set the grading scale as you like, as long as the class agrees upon, I'm fine with it. So obviously, we set it so that it's really, really easy to get an A in that class. And we decided that the final exam is going to be 4% of the grade, which like, Who cares? Nobody studied for that final, it was multiple guests

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Anyways, we're just drawing shapes and who cares. And, you know, attendance was already a big part of the just attend and do the homework, you'll pass this class. But I couldn't understand why he would allow us to disregard his exam and in his final exam in such a way, nobody bothered to ask him. So I went to his office and said, why would you allow us to not care about your final exam in such a way, it's 4% of the grade, nobody cares about your examiner. And he said, and remember the classes research methods, he says, research shows that when you allow people to set their own goals, to set their own objectives, they make a much greater effort to reach those goals than if you just

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tell them, this is what your your goal is try to reach it, allow them to set their own goals. So now this is the technique that that he is giving me now. And I'm going to apply it in completely different scenarios. And this is back then I was a chaplain of George Mason University. So you know, chaplain, you have to deal with all you know, issues on campus, like a mom, you do the counseling chaplain does the same thing. So the sister comes and she's in tears. She has a problem. What's her problem? She works full time. She's doing her PhD. She's married, she has one son. And she has all the responsibilities of the home plus school plus work plus the child. And her husband just sits on

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the couch, once they get home, he sits on the couch, he starts flipping channels. And she has to do everything. You know, the mopping the cleaning, the vacuuming the laundry, the cooking, and the child and putting them to bed and everything plus her homework and research, whatever she needs to do and get ready for things tomorrow. He just sits on the couch flipping channels. And then while she's trying to do 1000 things, if the food is a little bit overcooked, or it comes to him to his highness, not hot enough or whatever, he throws a fit and he's getting you know, gets angry and how dare you. Okay. So I asked her a question. I even felt silly after asking this question. I said,

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Have you ever asked him to help you? And she said, Yes, I asked him to help. So what happened? He said he helps for a day or two. And then he goes back to sitting on the couch and yelling at me. Okay, so now we're going to use the same technique from the professor, even though the professor didn't say you can use this technique to help a woman whose husband is lazy or whatever, he you take the tool and you apply it in completely different scenarios.

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So I told her, okay, you go home with a pen and paper Sit down. And you list all the chores that have to be done in the house and Mashallah women are very good at listing, right? So I have to do this and this and this and this and just list the whole thing. Now, you know, this is impossible, I can't do all this and go to school and work full time. You have to help me out. So what are we What are you going to do around the house and whatever he gives you? If you're satisfied with it, fine. If you're not satisfied, increased, so if he just says, I'll do the dishes done, no, there's still this and this and this. Okay, fine, until you're satisfied, satisfied with the chores that he has

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chosen for himself. Now you fold a piece of paper up, you put it in your pocket, and that piece of paper has transformed now, it has become what? licensed to

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Why? Because we know what he's going to do. Remember his pattern every two days or

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Three that he observed for two, three days. And he goes back to sitting on the couch. So I know he's gonna do it right. So now I told him when he comes back if two three days and is sitting on the couch again, you can come down with a white glove and examine and inspect his work. There's still some dust here. What is this, and you didn't vacuum? And you didn't do the laundry? When he erupts and has a fit too long. Wait a minute. I didn't ask you to do these things. Take out the piece of paper, you said you're gonna do these things. And where is it?

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So it may work, it may not work, right. So she comes back. Two months later, big smile on her face. He's still doing his chores. And he's doing a good job with hamdulillah example of a tool used in a completely different scenario. Another scenario for the same tool. I went to a Masjid in California, and they had put like what they called Blackboard, Johnny, these hoops for basketball. They put these hoops in the in the parking lot of the masjid. So that the youth instead of playing in the parks, where their drugs and problems and fights, they want them to be playing near the masjid. But they said this is the problem we have now. The youth keep playing. And when they hear the alarm for

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Maghreb, they keep playing. One team is beating us by one point so they keep playing. And then they hear the comma for maga and they keep playing the first aka they keep playing second Lika and then by the third aka they start running trying to make will do and some some of them catch the left soccer some of them missed the entire Salah.

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The great thing is in the meantime, uncles and older people and brothers would come as they park their car and they see that the youth are playing what they can hear the the Salah, what do you think they tell them?

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A same thing. Everyone just frowns with them? And eels that one word, what word is that? Yes, or in different languages, no Mas, Salah prayer, prayer, and so on. But you're not adding any new information. They heard that the other than the karma to created the new it's Salah, like when you say Salah, they're not gonna say that's what the yelling was about. Miss Miller, I didn't know that. They know that you're not adding new information. So they said, How can we fix this problem? And I said, What have you tried in the past and you won't believe this? They said we took the ball away.

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Really, and each one of them has five balls at least in their trunk and take the ball away. All right. So it's okay, that's what you do you sit down with them. And this is another technique in communicating right where you agree, you start with points that you agree upon, and you get yeses from the person. So this, you sit them down and you say, let's agree that we all know, you know, when you're playing sports, this team is beating you by one point, you try to get that point. But it's a very, very strong pool, you want to get that score back and all that. So it's a strong pool. But so it's going to pull you away from solar, let's all agree that solar is more important than

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this. And this is not some championship game, we'll find you a fair way to combine. If there's a championship game, there's just a regular game in the parking lot. So we need to find a way to break that strong pool. And then you get them to give the suggestions and you're going to moderate. And as you moderate, you might even be the one giving the suggestions but you're just pointing them in the right direction. So you'll tell them Okay, so how do we stop? How do we get you to stop on time. And they might agree on things like for example, when we hear the first a lojack or a van, that's the equivalent to the referee's whistle. And when the referee whistles, no one starts to keep still

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running with the ball. It's over, whoever won one, whoever lost lost. So the first Kabira is the equivalent of the whistle. Whoever wins at that point is the one that's winning, and so on. You don't try to recover points or anything like that. Get them to give you a number of good suggestions, then ask them for a punishment. If they don't stop on time, what will their punishment be, and have them suggest a punishment and moderated so it doesn't get too crazy. Like if they say, take down the back boards for six months, that's not good. Because we don't want them to go play in the park for six months. The whole idea is to keep them here. So the punishment might be something

00:29:01 --> 00:29:15

like they'll do you know, pick up trash from around the masjid, whatever it is. Same tool, but using a completely different scenario. And that's why you can use it, like I said, with coworkers, siblings, children, whoever you think of all right.

00:29:17 --> 00:29:38

The other another way to get people to change their behavior is to ask for their help with a problem similar to this. So this is hypothetical. So you're teaching a weekend Koran class, and a mother comes to you and says My son is 14 is in your class. But he hits his older sister, his sister is 16 years old. He hits her at home.

00:29:39 --> 00:30:00

And so now I need you to talk to Ahmed police. So you can talk to her much directly. Your mother said this to me, or you can try another technique. And the other technique is to tell to ask for help with a young man who hits his older sister. So you'd come and tell me Look, I need your help and you suggestions for a problem because the boy has a problem is

00:30:00 --> 00:30:33

about your age. And you know how they think until you might give me some good pointers. So he's about 14 years old, and he hits his older sister. So what do you think I can tell him so he could stop this bad behavior. So I haven't now is going to give you suggestions, he's going to tell you tell them about the Hadith that he's not from amongst those who does not respect the elderly and have mercy on the young, he's gonna, what's gonna happen to him as every time he's telling the Hadith, the Muslim is the one whose people are saved from their tongue in their hands. Okay, as he's telling you this, he's going to feel bad, he's going to feel hypocritical, like a hypocrite. Because

00:30:33 --> 00:30:51

when what you say goes against your actions, or the opposite, you feel bad about that. So every time he gives you a suggestion on what to tell that imaginary kid, he's feeling more guilty because of what he's doing. And he's got two options. And he's gonna pick the the easier, and which is to change the behavior, change the behavior.

00:30:52 --> 00:31:34

So the this, this is, obviously sometimes you try a technique, and it doesn't work, but you have a whole arsenal of techniques with you. And you're going to try a different one. But this could very well work, because hypocrisy is a very strong feeling and doesn't make us comfortable. And psychologists refer to something called cognitive dissonance, right? And it's basically when your behavior and your actions don't agree, your your actions go up opposite or against what you behave and what you believe. So for example, you believe sorry, if somebody believes that stealing is haram and immoral, and then he steals, how bad will he feel? versus someone who believes that stealing is

00:31:34 --> 00:32:15

not stealing, stealing his opportunity and unprotected risk that Allah has put in your pack? Yeah. This guy if he steals, do you think he'll feel bad? He won't feel bad. So when somebody then does something that goes against their belief for the person who steals now, it goes against his belief. He's got two options, human beings, we don't like to live uncomfortable like that. So he's got two options to remove the discomfort. One, change his behavior, stop stealing, he'll feel better to change the belief. When he changes the belief suddenly stealing is not Haram. And it's not bad. And or even cheating is not Haram. I know. I know a lot of Muslim students like this is the this is

00:32:15 --> 00:32:24

dunya. This is not Deen. So they cheat and they copy homework from each other. So that's how it works. The only there's a fatwa, if it's Deen, don't cheat. If it's dunya, Bismillah.

00:32:25 --> 00:32:29

Mothers more banks are doing it. We rob banks now.

00:32:30 --> 00:32:40

So then people change their behavior, the people change the belief. And that's why you will find the smoker. It's not Haram. It's what?

00:32:41 --> 00:32:54

smoker? Why is it Makarov? Because he's a smoker. That's why. Yeah. And everyone the issue that's close to them, they defend it, you know? If so, if someone doesn't care about smoking at all, but it deals with whatever.

00:32:55 --> 00:33:11

An example is not whatever Leslie deals with Reba, for example. So you tell him by the way, smoking is haram. Of course, because he doesn't smoke. Tell him dealing with this kind of transaction is haram. But brother, you know, in order to be viable in the 21st century.

00:33:12 --> 00:33:18

Okay. The other guy's the opposite. He doesn't care about that transaction. It doesn't deal with it. Tell him it's Haram. Ah,

00:33:19 --> 00:33:27

ha, hora Machado, Tom smoking, he'll defend it. Because that's what he's attached to. Right. Okay, are we supposed to be done on time flew quickly?

00:33:28 --> 00:33:37

I will do one more technique. And then let me choose it carefully. Then. We'll do one more technique. I didn't think it will be 815 so quickly.

00:33:38 --> 00:33:39


00:33:41 --> 00:33:42


00:33:43 --> 00:34:00

by the way, this this last one here, this last technique that we mentioned, there's an array there's a story that's very famous story, but it is has a weak narration and there's a weakness in its chain. There's a very famous story of one and Hassan and Hussein the grandchildren of the prophet SAW Selim. Now.

00:34:01 --> 00:34:02


00:34:05 --> 00:34:30

Yeah, justifies it. Yeah, absolutely. So it doesn't even have to be religious justification. And there's some isn't so much in this field. There's something called post dissonance, which is like buyer's remorse. Basically, you buy something silly from the mall, you come back home, you don't really need it's a very bad purchase very bad price. So what do you do you justify? Yes, I have a lot of ties, and I needed a tie shredder, you know,

00:34:31 --> 00:34:59

you justify it, you know, and, and in the same field, there's something called selective attention selective retention. And that's when you hear the arguments that agree with you. Okay, or you only remember the arguments that agree with you. So, and this happens a lot with debates, you know. So if there's a debate, let's say there's a debate on halal meat, halal meat versus the behemoth we have a debate here at click. One group says everything is holiday. Everything is hard on any future

00:35:00 --> 00:35:05

sitting in the audience and you believe the meat is all halal, you're the halacha will win.

00:35:06 --> 00:35:47

And if you Everything is haram, you'll hear your guy winning. It's called selective attention. And you also retain that information more you'll remember all his arguments. And here's something interesting. Some of you have probably seen the debate between amoda Tahoma, hula and Jimmy Swaggart, right. Powerful debate right. And you would think Muslim or not. Amma de la mala destroyed Jimmy Swaggart in the debate, clean the house. But there was a church here in America. This is like in the in the late 80s. And they used to mass produce the debate between Ahmed deedat and Jimmy Swaggart, and they would pass it to people on Sunday in church. They used to mass produce it

00:35:47 --> 00:36:03

unedited and give it to people. Why would they do that? And you think maybe they want them to learn the techniques. Maybe they want them to hurt to hate Muslims know, one simple thing. They hear swaggered winning the debate. That's it. Who is it? who's watched that debate?

00:36:04 --> 00:36:36

It isn't it Okay, the last few Mashallah. And how could you ever hear swagger winning the debate? Go listen to it tonight. And you hear when swaggered says something his people do want the cheering the whistle, and they clap for him, because they hear their guy and they hear their arguments. And that's why the scholars dislike dislike debating so much, because people hear what they want to hear. And so yes, it's not even religious justification. Whatever justification, the guy who's a chain smoker, it's not even religious issue. Now, smoking is bad for the earth. What does it tell you?

00:36:37 --> 00:36:44

Well, my grandfather, so and so he was a chain smoker, he smoked two packs a day until age 93. And he died of natural causes.

00:36:46 --> 00:36:49

He was holding his chest a lot, but I don't know what that was about.

00:36:50 --> 00:37:19

Just a vacation. You know, I don't wear the seatbelt. I don't like to wear these old true stories. I don't want to wear a seatbelt. It's not good for you. It's It's dangerous to not wear a seatbelt. Well, I know someone who was this is a true story. Someone actually says this. That's why I don't wear the seat book. So I know somebody whose cart started flipping overturn it. And then he was shut out of the window flung out of the car, and then the car kept rolling. And a big semi 18 Wheeler destroyed the car. So if he had his seatbelt on,

00:37:20 --> 00:37:22

he would still be in the car be crushed.

00:37:23 --> 00:38:03

You see people use the ways to justify things like that. And in that way, you always catch people justifying because they're into something. Always. You give that to someone in the street, and he loves marijuana. It's just a plant. Really. Do you think cocaine comes from? It's a plant Barbara Habib? Okay, and opium plant and most malware from plants. So don't give me that. But everybody has a justification, because nobody likes to live uncomfortable. Yeah, and it defines then how you see yourself. So if I believe stealing is haram and I steal, then I see myself as a bad person. I don't see myself as a bad person. So therefore stealing I find a way to say it's not hot. At the

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University, the guy who's always walking around with the girls, he's No, he's not supposed to be intermingling and all that. So he changes not the action, the belief. The hearts are pure. And this is the new century and all this nonsense.

00:38:17 --> 00:38:20

The hearts are pure. Okay, baby.

00:38:22 --> 00:38:57

All right. Okay, I'll think we'll do one, one last technique, and then we'll stop. Yeah, so I was saying, sorry, lady, and we finished the with an Hassan and Hussein. The story is that I said, there's weakness in the chain of narration, but it's just sharing the story. They found an old man performing the will do incorrectly. And what's now their technique? Because if when they come and tell me, let me show you the proper way. It's very insulting, right? Especially if someone's been doing something for a long time. you've all had that experience. To uncle, you're not supposed to do this. We've been doing this back home in the village for the last 50 years and my grandfather before

00:38:57 --> 00:39:33

him and paint, okay, harness. So they came with a smart technique. They said, Yeah, I'm uncle, my brother and I were having a discussion we're disagreeing on which one of us does the will do performs a will do more correctly than the other. So we'd like you to join a to judge between us as to which one of us is doing that we'll do more correctly. So then the man observes both and I'm doing the we'll do and when they finish, they said, Okay, which one of us was better? And he said, Actually, you I'm the one who used to do it incorrectly. And you guys just now taught me the proper way to do that.

00:39:34 --> 00:39:59

So that's still part of that, right? making someone feel that the change is easy to fix. And the whatever objective or goal is easy to achieve. So someone comes to you with a problem. It's, it's with I've dealt with this a lot we can fix, it's not a problem. And it's just a few, you know, whatever sessions or exercises that will give you and we'll we'll be done with this issue. That's it.

00:40:00 --> 00:40:15

Makes it in their mind, easy to conquer. And that's how children operate. When a child falls, what's the first thing they do? I mean, the child should just see how painful the fall was. They don't do it like that. Parents around the room, you know and happen when a child falls. What's the first thing they do?

00:40:16 --> 00:40:19

Hmm. before they even screen what do they do the children?

00:40:21 --> 00:40:26

Yeah, they look at the adults first. And your expression will tell them how badly hurt I am.

00:40:27 --> 00:40:52

So child falls hard. First thing they look at you. And if you like this, to look Oh, hello, start screaming for and if you just tell them okay, let's get up. What are you looking at me for? Let's go. But just dust themselves off and they go as well. When children fall? I'm very mean child falls hard. Boom. Time. Okay. Is the ground. Okay? Did you break the grip? Now? The grounds? All right, let's go, then the child gets up, dust himself off and follows me.

00:40:53 --> 00:40:53


00:40:55 --> 00:41:16

you make the problem seem huge. It will become huge. Yeah. And that's what they call learned helplessness, right? It's when someone believes that their their actions will not change anything, or they've trained themselves to become helpless. And this was a term coined by a psychologist.

00:41:18 --> 00:41:56

And he would give it an excellent example of the, in the old days, the circus elephant would be tied with a rope to the ground. And the elephant would not be able to break free, an elephant grows up and he's able to pull everything out of the ground with is just one movement like this. And he can pull that little rope, that peg nailed this big beat into the ground. And that's how they tie the big elephant and they never escaped. And the elephants never tried to escape. Because when the elephant was a baby, it was tied with the same peg, same rope. And they tried hard to escape and it couldn't. It grows up much stronger. But it never tries to escape because it learned to be helpless.

00:41:56 --> 00:42:22

That elephant learn to be helpless. And we do this to ourselves all the time. So you tell yourself, I'm not good with math. And because you tell yourself, you're not good with math, you set yourself up for failure. And even a simple mathematical equation, just like calculating 15% of your check at the restaurant is really easy. You don't even have to be good at math. But because you tell yourself you're not good at math 15% 15%

00:42:23 --> 00:42:36

the problem, or you telling yourself I'm not good with roads. 100 people do that I used to do that all the time. I used to always tell myself, I'm not good with roads one day and this we're not making this up in Virginia. I got lost in the street behind my house.

00:42:37 --> 00:42:45

And I called my roommate. And I told him I'm on a street. It says Wilson Boulevard. He was laughing He said you behind the house just come to the front.

00:42:46 --> 00:43:24

I'm not making this up. But I still always tell myself I'm not good with roads. So then I don't even try because I'm affiliated with roads, I set myself up for failure. I'm not good with names. How many of you have heard that? Yeah, actually, a few weeks ago, I was doing a class and I asked who's not good with names. And I took three brothers and three sisters and took them outside, give them some instructions. Then I brought them back into class. And I brought like nine or 10 random people from the audience and they didn't know the names and had them say their names once and everyone from the six or seven people that I took outside, got every name correctly, there was not a single

00:43:24 --> 00:44:01

mistake, because the technique is really easy. But the first step, and we'll close with this with the names neurocognition. Right. First step is to not tell yourself that you're not good with names. Most people in this room speak two or three languages and languages are composed of 1000s upon 1000s of words, you memorize all these words, you can't memorize the guy in front of these names. Hasson that's it just one word. And the name you're familiar with to you are good with names. So the rule number one, don't tell yourself you're not good with names. And rule number two, your the strongest part of your memory is your visual memory. So link the name to something visual. That's one of the

00:44:01 --> 00:44:30

techniques, right? So I'll tell you a story from four four Ramadan's ago, we were in London. And I was getting to know the to cuff team, right. And everyone was going on saying their names. And I still right now as we're standing here four years later, I know exactly where they were. I can see them. And it's really easy. It's not like oh, super memory or anything. It's really easy. Just have an easy technique. So there were two uncles, the names are Muhammad, do we need a technique for Mohammed?

00:44:32 --> 00:45:00

Good. Hamad Abdullah, I don't think you need technique for those two. And that also frees up this spot. So I don't need a technique. Palmer Khalid Mohammed. That's really easy. All right. So over here to work, like if I were like looking at them now over here, there was one of them. His name was Yusuf. So his name is usually my best friend. His name is Yusuf. So I saw my friend and I associated with him and this is real now diagonally across from

00:45:00 --> 00:45:03

Musa there was Benny I mean, what's the link?

00:45:05 --> 00:45:27

Brothers right use of it Salaam his brother was Binyamin, wonderful. Over here, there was a guy, his name was Adnan. Now those of you who are Arab will remember this and you can make any link you want. So those of you who are Arab, you know, the cartoon right? At nan wehlener, there was a cartoon called Adnan and Lena, I have a cat called Lena. The minute he said his name is Adnan. I saw Lena on top of his head.

00:45:29 --> 00:46:05

visual memory you'll never forget now. So he said his name is Adnan. I saw Lena boom, that's adna. And for everyone, there was a technical guy, there was a guy, his name was Adam over here, or Nadeem actually. And there was an old Arabic series called an idiom. And I just saw that actor with Allah. Boom, Nadeem done. So, there's always some easy technique you have a relative with that name, with sometimes you spell the name or sometimes if it's a new name, ask the person what does that name mean? What does it mean? And how do you spell it and see it visually, and you'll never forget it. So step one, don't tell yourself that I'm not good with name, tip to link it to something, link it to

00:46:05 --> 00:46:13

something, some kind of visual, or remember someone and link it with that individual. And it's really, really super easy.

00:46:14 --> 00:46:50

So again, there are there are a lot of lot of different techniques. And obviously, we don't have time to get into all of them. But one also one of the most important things is understanding the person in front of you and understanding what their obstacle is. And if you can figure that out, then you can fix any problem they have in trouble and quickly vanilla. But the problem is most people don't put attention into understanding people. Most of the time, people can't figure out because they don't give enough time. They told you and numbers change because it's not something official. But 70 to 80% of communication is nonverbal. So people are saying something, but with

00:46:50 --> 00:47:24

their eyes is telling you something completely different, or with their their body movement, or just the inflection of their voice is telling you something completely different. And it's for you. And that's why in the field of Tao used to go out in the street and everything. And people will take Shahada very quickly. 10 minutes, 15 minutes. How do you do it? You understand the person and you understand their problem. And from the way they word, their issue, you can find out what their issue is with Islam. I like it. I like Islam very much. But you can see from the way he's speaking there's something there's something wrong, dig, dig dig, you find out what it is apply medication or remedy,

00:47:24 --> 00:48:05

boom as per the Shahada. That's just part of it. But all we have to do is just bring it up one notch when it comes to understanding people better for this next week. Be aware of how you smile at people, or if you smile or not. If you gave them full attention when you shook their hand Prosser lamba said lemme selama be cool yet. He didn't just turn his face towards you. Turn this whole body towards you gave you full attention. Got your name, remembered your name, when he went to book 1400 companions, and he asked about every single one of them by name and didn't forget a single one. That's an amazing leader. Salalah Zilla. So how good are we with that? people's names? Giving them

00:48:05 --> 00:48:15

salaams not interrupting them listening. And notice how many people don't smile? How many people don't listen, and how many people interrupt

00:48:16 --> 00:48:35

if we just bring it up one notch will be so much better at creating a better community and more harmony amongst ourselves and from there on, you can take over the world till you fix the community first. No broken community ever fix the world? So fix that? fix that duck head for coming for attentive listening, Salah Hobart from Hamada Samadhi pata loca

00:48:36 --> 00:48:37

we don't have q&a, right.

00:48:40 --> 00:48:44

Are there any questions? And I'm done but if anyone has questions

00:48:46 --> 00:48:46


00:48:52 --> 00:48:53

we can do a part two.

00:48:54 --> 00:49:01

I'm, I'm here until January 20. I'm not going in here. So we can do a part two inshallah. And some more techniques.

00:49:02 --> 00:49:05

Anything Anything else? Any questions, clarifications,

00:49:06 --> 00:49:08

objections, I'm sure I will get this

00:49:09 --> 00:49:12

by Barbara. Have a good night so I might have to lower cut

This talk/lecture/khutbah was given at the Clear Lake Islamic Center.

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