Hatem al-Haj – The Obedient Wife – What are the Requirements and Limits of Wifely Obedience
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Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh Welcome back to the Muslim matters podcast where we discussed everything under the sun that affects Muslims, such as faith, local and global politics, social media, *, education, civil rights, and family matters. All coming from a traditional orthodox perspective, subscribe to our podcast and follow us online on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram on our handle Muslim matters and check out our site daily and Muslim matters.org
rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh and welcome to the muscle matters podcast. I am your host Xena Vincennes Today's episode is part two of the happily ever after mini series which will be focused on all things Muslim and marriage. Today's guest is very special. It is Chef Dr. headsman Hodge, one of the most notable Islamic scholars in the west of our time. Dr. Hatem was born in Cairo, Egypt and currently resides in New Jersey, USA. He was granted his PhD in comparative criminology, non University, Lebanon, and his master's degree in Islamic law from the American Open University. He's also a board certified in pediatrics and pediatric hospital medicine by the American Board of
Pediatrics. And he's also a senior member of the federal committee of America and a fellow at the American Academy of Pediatrics does that Lafayette chef has him for joining us today. It's really an honor to be able to have you on the Wilson matters podcast.
Welcome, sister, thank you very much for inviting.
So the topic today is about the Muslim marriage crisis and Muslim marriage issues. So the Muslim marriage crisis is a term that has been flying around for years. It's only intensified as the time goes on. And there are just so many issues and questions that Muslim men and women are grappling with when it comes to getting married and issues surrounding marriage. And certainly one of the most controversial topics that constantly comes up in discussions about seven marriage, or the rights and obligations side and most especially the idea of wifely obedience to husbands. On one hand, we have you know, many Muslim men who insist that they have unrestricted authority over their wives. And on
the other hand, it can be extremely difficult for many Muslim to even fathom the idea, or the concept that husbands have any kind of authority over them to dictate what they can and cannot do. So to start with, how can we begin to even address this discussion in a very healthy, holistic, balanced manner that reflects the true aims of the shared era and of course, encompasses all the details on the text that we have to not only most of us will also the loud audio, some of you will certainly need us this discussion, as is timely and we're we're having a marriage crisis not only within our community, but worldwide. To be honest, that crisis is quite consequential for the well
being of our community that will be in the Varoma. So this is a very timely discussion. And in order for us to start the discussion the right way, we have to basically identify our reference point, our reference point as Muslims, our reference point as Muslim couples. Our reference, Brian, also, as you know, most of them sons in law and daughters in law and mothers in law and fathers in law. And, you know, we have to identify a reference point for all of us for all of our relationships, particularly family relationships, the reference point has to be Islam, we're talking about Islamic marriage and Islam provides a unity of purpose and common background for Muslim couples. And this is
extremely important to have a common background and to have oneness of purpose or in purpose. So Islam provides love for us. But what is Islam? That's an important question to to ask Islam, according to whom so is that Islamic orthodoxy? What is what is this level of orthodoxy and how can we identify Islamic orthodoxy? And where can we know what Islam says? And can we know that for certain or not? These are all questions that are pertinent to our discussion even though not may not be you know, part of the core discussion today but stem can extremely pertinent they provide a foundation for any discussion. So Allah Subhan Allah Kiki sister, so Allah subhanaw taala says and
sort of in this alpha because you don't know how to hack a mocap female soldier or beta on some magical fee and proceed Maharajah member provide we will send them with asleep at night by your Lord they will not have to face or they will not have true belief until they make you judge in the mother's order in the disputes that arise between them for in whatever they dispute over yeah and have no discomfort and their hearts from that which she have their creed or have no resistance to
Your decree, certainly, Allah subhanaw taala is addressing Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu sallam. So whatever the Prophet salallahu Salam had brought to us, we need to,
to have no discomfort in our hearts or resistance in our hearts against it. This is important. And if we agree on this, then we move on to the next point, which was which Islam guru they would have, who have basically the finds the Islamic rulings and what is orthodoxy? And do you know, Islamic ruling strange over time, because certainly circumstances stances, change and work conditions have changed a great deal, particularly in the last 200 years. So do the rulings change? And what does that mean? So sir, for me that this is, like I said, this is not the subject matter of this discussion. So I will have to be brief. These are very important issues, but I'll have to be brief
Islamic orthodoxy, we can basically have a function of the Phoenicia, novice life, orthodoxy, cybersecurity, Doxy. When it comes orthopraxy met, we may say, because it's about the laws when it comes to the laws, and we were talking about the form of aI have been at the heart of Islamic orthodoxy. That is not to say that, that the truth is limited to the form of value. But there is no truth outside of the form of that, that would be a flawed proposition, for sure, because that the proof set up so forth, the proofs that support the concept of its mouth, and the concept of consensus, and Islam are cannot be applied to the agreement of the formula. We're talking about the
basic consensus, the infallible consensus is that the entire room met or the old the learning class of this moment where the scholars have of this assignment, but at the heart of or Slapper, Voxy are the form of that hairband thang positions from all sides of the form of the hip still can be mainstream still can be accepted, but it takes a little you know, it takes a process for them to be accepted at mainstream be become part of the words boxy these positions have, you know, there are certain conditions to be met. One of them is that the whoever spoke of that, of that position or supported that position needs to be able to that also face to be capable of deducing rulings from
Quran and the Sunda. So they need to be on one side and that is very sort of special on high opposition among the scholars and there are degrees of which they have, but that's a different discussion. So they need to be in which the head and in addition to this, the position has to have some substantiation, some backing, you know, from the Quran and the Sunnah. And it needs to be sort of nice to enjoy some some widespread acceptance doesn't have to be the majority of the OMA but some widespread acceptance among the Muslim scholars. So it needs to be a position that has not been completely abandoned by a Muslim scholars. So that is that is a swelling of orthodoxy. And that is
what we need to refer to in the time of disputation. Now, the other issue is, do their own things change? That's also about its question to the rulings change. You have. In fact, in Madonna, the camera layer, which is the Ottoman maniwa code they use are the arm courts, they said that the change of rulings with the change of times should not be denounced and different phrasings that are have the same meaning have been used by many verifying earlier died, scholars such as payment charter Beach, county and others. So what does that mean? It means that it does not mean that the hokhmah of Allah that the word of Allah or the sort of the laws address to His servants changes, but
it means that with the change of circumstances and the change of people's conditions and change of world conditions, the same basically objectives of this area need we need to work for attaining the same objectives or for realizing the same objectives of this ONEOK by teacher fatwah? So, if that's what may change because we're looking to realize, you know, an objective of the study that has to be realized in a different way is of the change of of times. There are several examples that that we can give like during the time of the prophets of Allah, some stray camels used to be left alone house metamath fan with during his time he said no bring bring them catch them because Medina had
become a cosmopolitan city during the time of arthrogram. Fellow the Law No, and it was not just it was not like the type of the profits on the lobbyists on them. The people on the Medina, like fewer, and they were mostly this harm of the profits on the lobbyists on them.
and so on and so forth, so forth because of the change of time. So MathML hours plan changed the fatwah not everyone followed off man and in the change of fatwa but you know, some did the same applies the DIA were the blood money on or the Alon who chose the Muslim state became so vast geographical geographically and people move scan people who are not waiting anymore in a limited geographic area. So blood money that is that is paid, that used to be the responsibility for mistaking Kevin for instance, it used to be the responsibility of the pillar, which as you know, which is the kin but during the grammar of Armando the Allah I know, because people had moved around
I had it would be very hard to make the acapella which may be like 1000s of miles away responsible for blood money, or the other line who said that it would be it would be it would be the responsibility of the members of the same registry. So that's a change to realize the objective the objective here is that we are able to compensate the family of the victim if that is the objective that we work to, you know, to realize that objectives so that's a change of fatwah. Now who How do we do this we do this with while still respecting three major identifiers of sort of the process the process of he had. One is the objectives of Sharia, we have to be always conscious of the objectives
of Sharia two is the same hermeneutical system that have been always used. So incremental improvements of the hermeneutical system are accepted, but an overhaul is unwarranted. So we're using the same hermeneutical system that we have always used, but answered the same legal principles and the person that are the people who are who do this, it should be of the erudite scholars need to be of the Munster 18. And to have another sort of safety check there needs to be some widespread acceptance it's it would be either collective, it's the heart from the get go for an individualist the habit enjoyed afterwards, some widespread acceptance among the scholars. So it is a process and
Islam is a flexible religion, the legal system of Islam is flexible, it was meant to be the final religion, and it was meant to adjust and adapt to that change us and in times and places and conditions and circumstances and so on and so forth. So that that's another important concept. The following one is the concept of advocacy for womankind it is that it is the right of women to advocate for women. But this idea I don't like you know, I don't like that many isms. I am a little bit sensitive to whatever's to a lot of isms. In fact, anytime anytime people adolescent to any anything it ruins their because it's about the the ideology and about people just start to become
deaf to other arguments that they don't like or that does not conformed with all their ideology. And that creates like fanaticism, and so on and so forth. But do women have the right to advocate for women's rights? Yes, that's, that's fine. I actually had that on somebody that's not going to see that in a second. But women did speak up, they did talk about women, you know, their issues, the issues that pertain to them. However, in order for this, to be still wholesome to be Stendhal, out to be still good, it needs to be, you know, within the system using the same hermeneutics we have used in our tradition, it would be helpful when we have women's scholars, more women's scholars are
immediate, we want to have more female scholars because they would be more aware of the challenges that women encounter and more capable of addressing them. So sometimes there are very sensitive issues that that women that men may not be quite familiar with ready to purification and things of that nature. So we do have we It would certainly be helpful to have more female scholars and women do have the right to advocate for women but we need to do this they will not trying to any system that is that is better to women than than Islam and I believe in woman should actually be very confident in that if a believing Mormon means that she believes that Islam is the final message from
God to humanity to mankind are believing Golan would be quite confident in that so let us not die in pursuit of water when we're while it is on our back you know it's a it's a proverb camera who died in pursuit of water why to
Word was on its back so it means that it's there you can advocate for women's rights using Islam using our heritage skin and most importantly using the revelation pepper and the authentic sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu use and finally, the last thing we're working with mentioned here in this introduction is about marriage Islamic marriage does not thrive on justice and marriage in general does not thrive on just basic principle and marriage is well attended Alfred nabina como Allah subhanaw taala said in Surah Baqarah Allah utensil trot Verbena calm, it's a longer you know, it's a long verse, it's, it's a verse about you know, the alimony that was given to women at the time of
divorce and if you know the words happen, you know, Allah subhanaw taala just wanted to look through them and probably had them sooner prefer to reinforce my 14 year layoff when we follow the bat off the tunic careful and thoughtful aka would topple what I've done so far, the Vienna communal Bobby matamanoa. So we interior is Allah subhanaw taala set to them, you know, when when there already has been designated and divorced takes place prior to consummation of marriage, then the woman is entitled to half of the dowry unless Schieffer goes that half or the husband Giorgos hero the other half and gives it gives her the fire dowry. And Allah subhanaw taala says to act gracious or to be
gracious is closer to piety. And he said what Athens also have a knock on Don't forget graciousness in the dealings between you. So graciousness is what marriage can thrive on, not just justice. Having said that, is it important to know what justice is? Of course, because, you know, how would you be How can you be gracious without being just without being fair without knowing the principles of fairness, give graciousness is basically going above and beyond your obligations and willing to compromise on your rights? How could you be gracious if you don't know what are the obligations and what are the rights and you have to determine where that line is deep? Sort of like, away from it
don't demand 100% of your rights such as what are the log now best said of the webinar best said I never demand 100% of my rights from my wife and one I'll have one on Sunday, perhaps even Hakka Milan fennel and arugula Mr. luthi, Allah Hindenburg models, I'm not sure Allah says they have a degree over them according to reason. But he says that I like to make myself handsome or to look handsome to my wife as much as I like her to be the fighter itself for me because Allah says, When I'm gonna miss it, Allah the out end up in mortal can do to them to women, is similar to that which is expected of them. So it's the balance between rights and obligations, its equity, so of the law,
bass said, if I wanted her to be a fire herself for me, then I should reciprocate gowned strike to look cancel to her to please her as well. And when he said that I never asked for all of the rates were not one a standard payment came in, and I never asked demand all of my rights. And that is the attitude of someone who is conscious of God, you fulfill 120% of your obligations, 150% of your obligations, and you demand 70 or 80% of your rights. And that will keep you safe from transgression. Because you know, if you want to deliver, we're fulfilling 100% of your obligations and demand 100% of your rights, who ever told you that you can tell exactly what are the obligations
and the rights, whoever told you that you may not fall short in fulfilling your obligations, or you may not transgress in demand and your rights to be safe fantasy of the children of an era that are concerned about their well being Ashera, you want to discharge all of your obligations and go above and beyond that, and you want to demand less and 100% of your rights, you want to compromise on your rights, to stay safe, and to not fall in Plexiglas from any form of repression or any form of Transfiguration. Just to interrupt you really quickly. I'm so sorry. But just to backtrack a little bit when you're speaking about a marriage doesn't thrive on justice. Could we narrow that down or
elaborate a little bit more do you mean by Justice, meaning like the bare minimum legal rulings, as opposed to as what you were talking about the graciousness that we have in going above and beyond in fulfilling the obligations the other person has on us versus, you know, demanding those rights from them. To some extent it's out of its allegorical, because justice is certainly the greatest thing and a marriage would thrive on justice, but it would not thrive on justice as we think of justice, because if you want to be just and just just not
Our gracious venting oftentimes, uh, you know, scholars disagree over over what is just right after this your personal bias after this the fact that that most of us are not scholars after this our personal bias how could we know if if we set out to be just the just and fair, we will often fall short and we will often transgress but if we set out to be gracious and to fulfill, you know, to go above and beyond our obligations, if we fall short, we fall short back to Justice or not to injustice. So our safety cushion, a buffer zone between us and transgression is needed. And that buffer zone is basically asking the or demanding less than all of your rights and fulfilling more
than all of your obligations. All right, that definitely clarifies it, as I click here for that. And just before we jump into the next section, while you're talking about, you know, the changes and fatawa, and the conditions of these fatawa, to be changed, when and you did mention that, you know, female scholarship is so important and so needed, especially when it comes to advocacy of women and women's rights within a shadow a framework. Would you venture to say that the way much of the marital filk discourse has been influenced in any way by the predominance of male legal scholarship that we draw upon? Okay, this is a very good question, I have to say that when you have more women
involved in in this in these forms of it's the hat, that certainly would be helpful would be helpful for the cause of women is that is male bias in our heritage. A malicious is our heritage bias, no way, we were not biased against women that I just want, you know, I just want to plead to people to understand the this. So this is an audio recording, but if this were a video recording, you would have seen that I am an older man with a gray beard, the typical sort of image of male bias, but I want you to understand that I also have three daughters, and I am also like, concerned about their dignity. And I have three daughters and a son. And so when my daughters get married, I will be
concerned about how they will be treated. And I may be more concerned about this than I am concerned about myself that is so natural. And that is what I expect of our scholars of the past and the present. So it may in bias you know, by the time your your your bedtime, you become a witch that had and you contribute to the you know, that body of it's the hab, you already have daughters that are about to get married or married, and you may actually be biased in their favor. Because you you know, men, I would say this about most mostly men, men in general, they have sort of like a lot of affection for their daughters and the have extreme concern about them and about their well being and
about their dignity and so on and so forth. But sometimes males may not be aware of certain challenges that females encounter. So that is why I'm saying but it does help when you have a female scholars.
I'm going to push you a little bit further just on this topic of okay, so you clarify, did they was the male bias? Or is male bias Malicious from scholarship? And I think we can all agree. No, it wasn't malicious, and perhaps not intentional. But the question does arise. And this is something that I've actually received from a lot of women, whether they're students of knowledge themselves, or they are li woman who have come across translated works from classical scholars, for example, to see Devon Kathy, who does have in his Tafseer of, you know, the eyes of pol AMA, where there is kind of a segue into discussing the inferior nature of women. And most women who come across this are
going to feel what is this clearly negative bias against women? And how do we reconcile that with the idea that there is no male bias or there's no malicious male bias against women in our scholarship and it's not just been with you there are other discourses and discussions as well. Where you know, female nature is discussed and it is portrayed in a often a very negative perspective, even if they conclude Okay, and this is why men should be extra good to women or sometimes unfortunately, it doesn't go that way. Sometimes it's well I'm because of this nature of women. You know, the man has more rights over her and she should be more cautious about obeying the
husband or doing what the husband says because you know, she is not able to distinguish for herself. What is right
know what is wrong, and at risk of, you know, turning this into a different topic. But I do want to address this because it often informs much of this marital discussion and when, you know, Muslim men or women are having these conversations between themselves, and you know, examples from even computer stuff, see it or other scholarly works will be thrown out, and it will be said to women. Oh, you see, this is what the scholars thought of you as women. And this is why you are this, and this is why you are that and this is why we have this and we have this and we have this, how would you address this many things to be said here, one, one of them is the scholars are not infallible,
they are not the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. So we don't have to take everything they give us. But we cannot afford to throw away our sort of heritage, Islamic heritage or all of stopwords Loxy or the the contributions of the prophets now of the scholars of the past in relaying Islam to us and interpreting Islam for us that we cannot afford to do this, we can afford to sort of demolish the old structure and or and you were afresh. It's just not prudent, and it's completely it's extremely unsafe. So, we will do some filtering. And we will do we will understand that these colors are also products of their times that our revelation is supreme, their understanding of the Revelation does
not always reflect reflect the accurate interpretation. But whenever there is a consensus, that consensus is binding, the thing is the consensus of extremely area particularly in these types of discussions, consensus would be extremely rare. But whenever whenever there was a consensus that is that that is infallible, but the particular scholars position is never infallible, and then we will have to examine it. But also, we have to examine it. Where are we examining their bias? We're examining their bias through our bias, aren't we? Where are we not biased? When are we not the products of our times? Or, you know, are we walking params? Like I said, about the Alana describe
the project some of those, and we have to be honest with ourselves, also, we are products of our times, and we are products of our place also, like where do we live at as well to have any influence on us. And when it comes to to the issues of women in particular, don't we recognize that there is that women of men and women are equal and their humanity but don't we recognize that there are certain faculties that were women may be stronger than men and vice versa? Remember no pain, for instance, when he talks about custody, and when the game for women custody in the service conquerors who gave women custody over men and the sad because they are more capable? They used to did not say,
you know, because the he said that they may have more time, but he made this the last thing they said that they are more compassionate and more capable, so is more compassionate, can like Should men be upset, Should men be feel insulted because he thinks that women are more compassionate and be because he thinks that women are more capable in this area? I don't think so that also has to be taken in consideration because we do have, we do have different strengths and weaknesses. There are differences between the two genders, men and women are equal in the sight of God, the Prophet SAW Salem 77,
which means that men are the equal halves of women, the man is one half the woman is the equal half. If you bring like a loaf of paper, I'm sorry, bread, and you cover two halves. The one half is the woman one half is the man that's that's what it means in the Sasha caracara job, she means the siblings, so but it also means the one half when you cut one, one thing into two halves, one half would be combat and in the other half would be the other ship. So it is clear that men and women are equal and that humanity but they have different strengths and weaknesses and one gender may have greater strength in one area than the other. So going back to recognizing that, of course, the past
scholars had their own their own biases, or you know, were shaped and formed by their context. We generally hold the Yes, of course, we are to be cognizant of our own context as well. There are two issues that come up though. So one of them is the idea that many Muslims have that you we cannot do this checking or filtering for past scholars because they might not be infallible, but they knew better than us, and they were better than us. So their contexts were better than ours. Therefore, when we are questioning these types of statements, it is the problem was not in their statements, but the problem lies in our context, and we are the ones who hold the problematic framework and if
we
was, to some extent we do have problematic elements within our framework because of course, we are a product of our context and that is not infallible or perfect either. So that's the the first issue. And the second one is, how do we address the existence of these kinds of negative statements about women, where they're used as a type of difference of opinion to be respected specifically within these gendered marital issues, when they're being discussed between men and women of this getting close, not just lay people, but even, you know, students of knowledge and and scholars themselves or feel themselves will say, Well, you know, this, this Iman said, this, this she said, this, you
cannot question it, you can't reject it, you have to accept that it is a valid opinion, it could very well be right. And, and it's to be respected and if you disagree with it, then you are now contradicting or going against our tradition as a whole. And like I said before, consensus is what's infallible an individual statement or individual position of an imam is not infallible, we have to be respectful, but we don't necessarily need to take everything one person gives us other than the prophets of Allah Alios as an email mad except issue here as you bring you bring in the different positions of the different scholars and you examine them in light of the revelation and and have
answered in the to some extent the tax interacts with with reality at different times in different ways. So your bias may be part of that three actually a part of that sort of interaction between the text and reality. So what we have to have some guardrails, we have to have some guidelines, we can throw away all of their sort of interpretations of the Revelation we will like, like we will do, probably now when you come up with a your question. So we will address we will say that this might have have said this that might have said that it seems from Quran and the Sunnah, that this is closer to the truth. Now when we do this, and when we make 30 a year, could our bias affect our
third year, it is possible that our bias would affect our 30. That context that we live in May may make us somewhat biased, that it may affect our third year, and that is still acceptable, because we do have some guardrails. It's not like we're throwing away the consensus of scholars. It's not like we're coming up with interpretations that are in complete discord with primary meanings of the Quran and Sunnah. But the way we are doing our own synthesis may be different and that synthesis may be influenced by our circumstances in and our environment, our intellectual milieu and and the changes in world conditions that make things that make a change warranted that I'm telling you that
sometimes we know what the what the sad and we say that the fat well, we'll need to change now. Because there are circumstances that weren't a change of fat work, you know. So now women for instance, have close to similar earning potential like men should we take this in consideration when we address issues of alimony when we address for like as a stay at home mom, for instance, after 30 years of marriage had the trimmer has been decided to divorce her? Should she just walk out empty handed or shed we understand that she sacrificed for the family and she had a similar earning potential like him or close to seminar earning potential Lakehead. And we compensate her this
through staring through the mortar concept, which is still an Islamic concept. So there is basically room for for a change of patois. But that has to be with in the guide that process that I spoke about earlier, we're trying to realize the same objectives were being you know, trying to conform to the same hermeneutical system at to be consistently also in conformity with the same legal principles. Despite all of these guardrails, there is still a lot of room for a change of fat well, because the legal system of Islam itself provides the mechanisms for that so that Islam may stay viable right then and basically applicable and relevant. Does that gonna fit for that excellent,
very thorough introduction and laying down that very valuable framework that we all need before we launch into a discussion as contentious as this one. So I really appreciate that particular topic. No moving on. So now that we have established that framework and those foundations before
We go into the nitty gritty of, you know, obedience and so on and so forth. What are the basic principles of a healthy Islamic marriage that these rulings and these discussions are all based on to begin with, just so that we can start off this conversation now that we have the legal framework set down. Now we have more of the holistic, ethical moral principles of a healthy Islamic marriage.
Certainly everybody with COPD this person Antion Holika, criminal enforcement as much as it is going on today, her daughter by Nicola Dora, when the vedika out in the company, etc. So it's one of his size that he creates for you, mates to dwell with and peace, our to indwell wealth, in tranquility, and create between you and are placed between you compassion and mercy early in, these are signs for people who reflect so you know, tranquility, compassion, and mercy. It's like the bird that has a head and and in two wings, and the the, the, these are three principles that an Islamic marriage should be should be founded on. And so during the times, you know, people go through good times and
bad times, during good times, there is compassion, there is my dad, there is love during, you know, bath, bad times, there should be mercy during all times, there should be tranquility, and people should continue to be restrained, continue to be conscious of God continue to be watchful of their conduct, and there should be tranquility. During all times. I also talked about graciousness being the basis of Islamic marriage versus justice, because that's a that's an extremely important concept not only because, you know, we because we cannot know what justice is, but because justice also will create a very sort of legalistic relationship that may not be sustainable, and that may not whether
the challenges of of life or there may not be enough of repository of love and compassion and affection to to have to be able to maneuver through the challenges that this institution may encounter. The other thing that that is also important is that we understand that that males and females we understand how important Islam experts, the family who prays together stays together, they say, and the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, I have a lower algebra problem with the lady for airway problem writer or for federal and state of low happy whether you have never met a few months a year now whenever we're having a long term commitment, he might have Zoda in the new state to pop
happy with the map for chemical solenoids. And then so the practice was given a hadith is supported by email after the muster up, he says me I will have mercy on a man who wakes up at night to pray and then wakes his wife up and if he or she doesn't wake up, He sprinkles water in your face and may Allah have mercy on a woman wakes up at night to pray and and wakes her husband up. And if he does not wake up, she sprinkles, she sprinkles water in his face, you know, gently and lovingly, of course.
But the point here is that the prophets of Islam is telling us pray together, you know, have this common purpose of this oneness or unity of purpose and this common background and and importantly, it supports for us to realize that the you know, if we truly believe that Islam came the home for us from Allah subhanaw taala for to guide us in this way to our happiness here and in the Hereafter, then we should learn it together. Because if we're learning it together is important also, because we need to be on the same page, to be able to speak the same language and to have a common ground. So so. So that's, that's particularly important and we need also because nowadays, certainly there
you know, I'm speaking to to my sisters here and
daughters, because it's it's quite clear that women have been historically the weaker party in this institution. And because they have been they have been transgressed. Many, you know, it doesn't mean that men are always the transgressors or have been always dressers that women have hold so we'll try and progress a great deal but they have been transgressed the the big chunks of the history of humanity because they were the weaker party and this by restitution and now that they feel that they have the ability to basically to push back against men. This is creating a lot of chaos. And I just want our sisters like I said before work within the system to advocate for your rights so that you
can stay Muslim because if you make the system your adversary to remake our value system or its rolling value system, your adversary you will grow resentful, get to accepted adopted, embrace it and work within it to ask for your rights to advocate for your rights because that is extremely possible and you will not find the system
But it's better for women than our system and understand that, you know, whatever my wife had given us, and we live in the West, I personally don't like, you know, I'm an immigrant. And most of you, most of the audience are probably not. So it's not a matter of Islam versus the West Islam as a religion in the West is, you know, a civilization that has certain characteristics. The West also is not homogenous. There are people here in the West that are pretty traditional, and they want to live a traditional life and they want to have traditional families and, and so on and so forth. But the mainstream modern culture is has promised women a lot of promises, but but actually failed to secure
any of those promises for women. And it's quite clear that we're having a marriage crisis. And you look at the statistics here in the United Kingdom, more even than here than in the US marriage since this this fix, whether it is people wanting to get married, or people staying in marriage there, there is my surname Suzanne banker, she wrote why men won't marry you. Lena price wrote another piece also that that I read some time ago, a few weeks ago about why men are don't want to marry anymore or something like this, this, you could Google those hand realize that there is a marriage crisis, and that modern culture did not really provide women with a perilous happiness, because
without the institution of marriage, without the institution of marriage, we will all suffer. But our series will suffer a little bit more that men, men or women would suffer a little bit more. If we destroy the institution of marriage, and look at what the institution of marriage, look at what this contract had done, historically to women to preserve the dignity of women, women are, you know, our, our mothers, our sisters, our daughters. So it is, you know, their dignity is our dignity. But that's what the institution of marriage that preserves the dignity of women and look at the, you know, Plato's Republic, look at the place of women in Plato's Republic, and what Plato, you know,
and these are the philosophers these are not, Plato was also not any philosopher, but he was inclined to goodness, and, you know, platonic philosophy has been incorporated in most of the theistic traditions, or the three Abrahamic traditions. Because Plato was, you know, a good philosopher, and he wanted goodness, and he advocates for goodness, and so on. But look at the place of women and as a republic, look at Aristotle's rebuttal of, of Plato, and how he says that, you know, shared property property does not get, you know, enough attention from anyone. And that's why he rejected Peters idea of, of, you know, of having women assured property in his Republic. So
anyway, I just want to say that Islam really is, you know, our refuge, Islam is our fortress. And we should go back to Islam, all of us men and women, and understand that well, and understand that correctly, and not in to use it against each other, but aim to embrace it and to live by it, and whatever. It basically grants us rights, we asked for them to be fulfilled. I completely agree with you about going back to salmon using the Islamic framework of and it's an interesting point that you make about marriage meant to preserve the dignity of women. Because one of the questions or not one of the questions about so many of the questions that I and female scholars and female students of
knowledge get are from Muslim women who aren't looking outside of Islam to begin with, but they are genuinely questioning how is the dignity of women being protected by the legal framework of marriage in Islam, and that segues into our overall discussion. Because, again, the one of if not the most contentious issue that comes up is if marriage is supposed to protect women, if married is supposed to protect a woman's dignity. If marriage is supposed to be a source of comfort and safety for women. How do we conceptualize this issue of wifely obedience to husbands in Islam as something that is mandated? When unfortunately, in reality, as I'm sure you know, even better than I do? So many
women are actually being abused and mistreated with this concept. So how would you explain and define what wifely obedience to husbands is in Islam in filk? Particularly, and how does it have any relationship to the ayah Oh, ah, Sharona borrow. What does my roof mean? Is it limiting wifely obedience? Does it give space for women to be able to express themselves or
or disagree or even object at times? Just, you know, let's just jump right into that. Okay, sure. So um, so Wi Fi obedience, the first thing that we have to establish is whether there is such a concept in Islam. And yes, there is such a concept in Islam because Allah subhanaw taala says that your double colon went out on the cell below biller for the love of Mr. Wonka and chocolate. For southern heartspace, I don't have to determine whether you have a law related for Financials on a 509 to run from above mobility or people that are looking for that type of business. You know, like an Audi interview, so regional Kona and they said, how do we how can we translate this, we translate this
people translated in different ways. And they tried to capture some of the meanings of py ama in their translations. So they translated this as the managers, the protectors that maintainers men are in charge of women protectors and maintainers, sometimes protectors sometimes and maintainer, sometimes and both, but it is basically a position of both responsibility and authority, because they come hand in hand. I mean, you can't, you can't expect people to be responsible without giving them some authority. So if they are the protectors or maintainers, they are also in charge, and they're also the managers. So it is all all of them together. But the way this, you know, the
linguistic roots of this have to do with more with caretakers, you know, it's like, you know, Allah is a pay you so because Allah is the One who maintains everything that he doesn't need anyone sort of to the concept of Kurama Are you here is that Allah maintains the heavens and the earth and all creations and so on and so forth. And they come from the same route. So Pym is both the, you know, responsibility and authority at the same time. And they go they go hand in hand, and Allah Spano Tada said, because of what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend because of the two, not just one because of both. So at the end of the day, at the end of the day, someone would
have to make have to be the ultimate decider as George Bush said, which turned out to be a correct word, I guess, once someone will be will end up being the ultimate decider after mutual consultation and all of that and God had given men that right, which we will discuss later to talk about the scope of that right and the exceptions and contingencies and all of that we will discuss this in detail until but yes, Allah subhanaw taala said that a general carbonara Anissa there is some position of authority here that that comes with the responsibility that Allah had placed on men and the Prophet sallallahu sallam said either Salatin Mara Hamsa or sama chakra now hockeyville protege
How about Zodiac people how to put a gentleman as a weapons energy Shetty.
And I am quite sure that women are familiar with this hadith as well. If the woman prayed her five daily prayers for us the her month of Ramadan, the maintain, maintained her chastity and obeyed her husband, it will be set her into Paradise from whatever deity please and that's not what it's between. But it will say you know, the you know, there is another Hadith where the Prophet sallallaahu Salam said Abu Bakr will be called from all the gains of paradise so a woman can reach out to get data to pee in a river that level of the PA just by praying the five very prayers and fascinated with Ramadan and by you know maintaining her chastity and obeying her husband because
that is not easy. That is not easy can there's a recognition here now bah bah bah or obedience does not inform like that there is like it's sort of like a military unit where someone has given orders on time someone is receiving orders that doesn't work and the marriage would not work like this and most of the reasonable men the the really give orders extremely rarely give orders to their wives they may have the right to make the final decision concerning more important issues they are not going to tell her you know I want the couch here and they want the armchair there wanted this to be yellow and they want to you know people who are used that right people who overspend you know, if
they have like some capital, the overspent from it, they they lose it. But you know, at some point he may say no, I think that, you know, we should move to Kentucky because there is this good Islamic school or there is and certainly if there are no Prenuptial agreements that we don't know, because those Prenuptial agreements also would would prevent him from that. If there is no such agreement, then he may say, you know, I think that my kids should go to that Islamic school hadn't and if there is certainly after a mutual consultation after deliberation
After all of this, but at one point he may have the right or he does have the right to say no I think the kids should go to that. So that's the power you know that's that's establishing the concept in general the concept of fine jewelry yes that concept does exist. Now there are two issues that we need to discuss the scope which we will keep for later but first star in general to anyone other than Allah and His Messenger what does that mean? What this thought in general mean? So thought in Islam has been used in different contexts in the context of obeying Allah and His messenger and that's an absolute law at its absolute absolute with along with regard to Allah Spano
Tata with regard to the messenger is bits because we believe that he has the infallible messenger of God and He's remained to us a message from Allah subhanaw taala. But then aside from that, you know, there is thought within Hungary the people in charge people on authority there is thought it were the lane and the obeying the parents and they're in Spa xojo. But, you know, obeying the hospital so thorough in general, aside from Batala valon, his lessons are in general, it has contingencies of what are those contingencies? There are a variety of women who serve and are you first reported by Bukhari and Muslim he relates from the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam that he said, lotta lotta
female, see Atilla in Nanaka Autofit model, there is no obedience at the expense of disobeying Allah or in, in, in disobeying Allah, there is no obedience, obedience should only be given to that, which is Ma remove, what is my rule, if you look at the translations, or Moreover, they will translate this as good, they translate this as good and reasonable, they translate this as good and universally recognized, because March comes for a lot of fun to know, you know, so it is universally recognized, in other words, sensible, sensible, according to whom, according to that majority of sensible people, sane people will you know, that's how we have defined this. So So what does that
have East mean? That this means, first, that if that husband orders, his wife commands his wife to do something haram, she does not, she should not listen to him. It's not like that she doesn't have to, she should not listen to him, if he orders her to do something that is Makrooh or dubious, then there is the some controversy here. If you know and then but let's keep this for later because we will talk about the scope of obedience to the husband because it's not like the scope of obedience to the parents. It is different from the scope of obedience, the parents, it is stronger, but narrower, and we will explain this later. So if the husband for instance, tells his wife to not to
not to not do any enough of the prayers or something like that she doesn't need to listen to him if he sounds or don't want to do you know the enough or the sooner after though because we need to go somewhere or do something then she would listen to him that one time if if if they if he needs something that's pretty into marriage then then there is the so this is the part about lateral healthy, Marcia Tila know you know, obedience, in disobeying Allah or at the expense of this obeying the law. So what about Marbles? Marbles means three things in order for something to be my rule, which would be doable, because you know, locally from what I've seen, when I was when I love is not
Brenda, this will be on its capacity, it should be harmless. Because again, the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, Allah, Allah there are there should be no harm or reciprocation of heart. It should be also purposeful, which is extremely important, purposeful. And now we're not just talking about the wife or husband we're talking about the child and the parent, if the parent or others or the child to do something purposeless since this, the child does not need the Nissen because it is senseless. In fact, that email and 100 said that I have seen of some parents with regard to their children things that are utterly senseless, making anyone hearing them or hearing about them, pardon the
child and blame the parents the same Mr. Mahato Hey, Tommy Mahima Alana De La Scala. Anybody right only Rahim Allah said you know if the child does not need to listen to his father if he basically commands him to follow his mother for this when the void of a good reason is basically foolishness. So he said, Well, we have a Your Honor man who lay on the moon wire them to Pharaoh, Amory, where he built his army meth habit. The NFL Kahina legato visa here Moogerah Tom eval American periodic saw him there at home. So so this is the child with a parent now. So I have the parent says that the child follow this motherboard that never have the child
Have a does not need does not have to listen, if there is no point in the commands that he does not have to listen, any man in the mirror himolla added a very important contingency here, he said that, that the child should obey the parents that we're talking about Thai in general here, you know, we're going to come to the wife and husband, later, the child should obey his parents, even if they're fast. Yep. And that's the clear statement of riba or the the apparent meaning of the statement of email aftermath. But then he adds, this pertains, though, to that which bears the benefit to them, and no harm to him that which, you know, bear is a benefit to them and no harm to
him. So in order for something to be purposeful, it has to have a benefit for the person short for the order, where the person who made the order, it should not be senseless. So a husband, for instance, cannot say to his wife, you know, face the wall and raise your hands, it's that, well, I get that because that's senseless, and you know, the many things that that would not be of benefit for the husband, or may cause harm to the wife, or may just have no purpose in them. These are not orders to be obey. I'm gonna interrupt you really quickly. i Sorry. But in terms of this definition of senselessness, and as you said, there shouldn't be a benefit to the husband. What if, and this is
something very common? So you give the example of you know, not following the same madhhab? Just because, but if the husband, for example, says, Well, no, this just makes me feel better. And I prefer this. And that's it. And you don't need to have any more convincing arguments. And this is something that unfortunately, it does come up a lot or a wife will say, this makes no sense to me, this makes no sense to my family, this makes no sense to my friends. And he will say, well, it doesn't have to make sense to you. Because it makes sense to me. And this is my reasoning. And often it's it can be boiled down to this is just what I want. And that's it and you're my wife, so obey
me.
It can be anything from something minor, to something more serious. And we will come to more specific examples as well, I think afterwards. But even this definition of senseless, or there's no point to it, it can often become a point of contention, both with not just within a couple, even if they take it back to their families. For example, one family might say yeah, you know, in our family culture,
it doesn't have to make sense to everybody else, but it works for us. And you know, vice versa, we will have two things to answer one of them is is this order now, because we've talked about time generative, and we've talked about PA, to those that that have a position of leadership, in gender, aside from Alon His Messenger, there are contingencies, those contingencies should not be marceia. They should not ask you to abandon you know, even as sunnah all the time, it's controversial, whether they can ask you to do law crew or something that's dubious or not, but it should also be you know, harmless, it should be doable, and it should be purposeful and purposeful will be
determined by whom the people who you know purpose will be determined by sensible people. And we may come in to discuss this in greater detail after I address the issue of the scope of wifely obedience, because the scope is important. So, now that we have said that, that these are contingencies that apply to any Tower, or any obedience to any authority figure, particularly the, you know, those who are in charge, those are authority, parents, husbands and so on, when it comes to wife and husband, in particular, because the wife is not the child of the husband. And although many scholars have stated clearly that had presided or the right of the husband supersedes her as
well, or the father or the mother or the were the rate of the bear. And that is correct if there is a conflict, because now, this is a new family now. And, you know, this is, you know, this is not just an Islamic thing, but but this is a new family that has its own sort of priorities. And if the if the parents intervene that will cause problems. So it is natural that this nuclear family now would have to have its priorities and would have to basically prioritize their well being as a family. So nothing but fat were lost during the power shift, not enough in fact, were in us or during the time of shake up the median salary that they got
Ask that question about you know, which which right is So, you know, a superior the right of the husband or the right of the parent and these are these are the right advisement. However, we must caution here that this is in term this is in the case of conflict, Father wants her to do something, husband wants her to do something else, what should she do? The right of the husband is superior here, but the right of the husband is narrower than the right of the father, because the obedience to pay obedience to the parents is just because they are parents, but the obedience to the husband is because of the contract. There is a contract marriage as a contract and it's a contractual
relationship, it is not a parental relationship, it is a contractual relationship. And therefore, that, you know, that will be obedience. Now, asthma is narrower in scope than obedience to the parents. And there is a particular book that addressed this in some detail the issue of the scope of of wifely obedience. The book is a book by CFRP Asakura, who was also like a member of the fatwa committee of us. And he was a very, very distinguished scholar, a very good and distinguished scholar, he wrote a book called Encyclopedia of the family under the care of Islam. Most swatted was radical Islam. And and this book, he mentioned that the scope, you know, there could be four ways to
imagine the scope of obedience. And he mentioned scholarly statements that support each one, when they're not each one of the four. But each one of the three, one, he said, We should completely discard, which is the culture of perspective, the culture of perspective that the wife needs to obey the husband all the time, you just throw away that because that's not you know, senseless. But the three that he said, can be supported by scholarly statements are one, you know, and going from the widest to the narrowest, now, one, she should obey her husband in every sangak You know, that is, that is good and reasonable, just like the Hadees says, Good and reasonable. The second narrows the
scope, and the second, you could find supporting statements from scholars, for instance, a bit of the Jame and Hanafi, in his book or Bahadur rarlab says that a woman does not have to obey her husband and all matters, that obedience only applies to those that pertain to marriage and matters are late to marriage, you know, in America, female origin or even Nikka whatever a bit, I know my Vedic if you may, or Nikka, Waterbury so Mother is that, you know, that pertain to marriage and related to marriage. So that that's sort of a little bit narrower than narrowest is supported by several statements by an email in Norway or himolla, where he clearly said, and several places have
sharpened Muslims commentary on Muslim, that a wife the obedience that is completely by in the Gogol, he does mention that women have been good women have been obedient and much more than that, and now always, you know, then extending their obedience from their service to their families and their husbands in a you know, much more than that. But he said that when it comes to the contract of marriage, and the what the contract makes binding on women, who BDS applies to two areas, only one has right to intimacy, to live in his home, leaving his whole life he had and she has to seek His permission to leave his home. And he has the right to intimacy, certainly, with certain exceptions,
that we may discuss a few more. But But that goes by, you know, we go back now and say that when the husband tells the wife do this, do this, and the wife says, It's not sensible, we have to first ask ourselves, it doesn't apply to marriage, or is it just an order that doesn't have anything to do with the marital relationship and the family life, family life, we said that there are three different sort of levels of obedience here, the one in the middle, you know, this one, we will discard three we will keep with us, you know, the one who wants to be the idea and hide if the greatest wife is the one who will just obey her husband in all things. As long as she will forget
about the scope. She will just obey their husbands at all things. As long as the command is good and reasonable. The second level, which is the middle level, she will obey harassment in all things that pertain
The family life the third, which is the narrowest, and the most binding, obeying Him with regard to two matters, the writer intimacy, and not leaving his home for without his permission. So if it, you know, if the woman chose that she that she will obey only with regard to the narrowest scope, which could make life a little bit more difficult, but, you know, she would not be at fault, at least according to some of the Muslim scholars and, you know, part of our heritage, then if he gives her a command that does not pertain to these issues, she may say, Well, I don't have to listen. But if, let's say the, he tells her to brush the kid's teeth every night before they go to bed, does this
fall on there, you know, right to intimacy and, you know, leaving so without his permission, no, there's this fall under family and my wife, yes. So and she decided that she will obey you within that sort of category then is brushing the kids teeth every night, something most sensible people would find a good would find reasonable yes or no? Then we have to determine if it is if the answer to this is yes or no. But if there is dispute, then we have five different levels to determine the right answer. One is the shadow basically as the shadow addressed this issue, and the concern about that is what's good to hear. If not, we have something called the SAR if there is a prenuptial
agreement about this to determine what's right shot and mostly monada shadow to him Muslims are bound by their conditions in his except for a condition that makes 100 Watts harm and or harm that's the word is harder. The third is an out of which our customers people's customs. There is a legal principle that says not uninhabitable shot on your geography here on Earth. That which is not specified by the Shara should be determined by people's customs. Okay, that didn't work. Then we have a son, which is basically reconciliation through arbitration. We have arbitrators we bring arbitrators from other hakama manana Jakob and Leah said, you know, sent to them, like an arbitrator
from your family and arbitrator affirm his family. If that is not if that does not resolve the problem, then ABA, which is, you know, litigation to go to court to decide to decide for us? Certainly, it is hoped that most of our disagreements can be resolved without going through those five fields. So that answers some things and then of course, leaves even more questions. But I think you've done a good job of laying out the abstract the principles of of these issues and these matters. But then there are certain explicit examples like I believe there is a Hadith that speaks about, you know, not the husbands right over wife includes not allowing people into his home without
his permission. And that leads to so many questions in and of itself. So, you know, the assumption is that the husband is providing for the home, therefore, it is his home. But what if a woman is also paying for the home, as often happens today in dual income families? You know, is it still his home? Or is it also now her home? And she can consider who she wants to let in or not? Can she allow her family members and even if he doesn't want them to be there, or friends that he doesn't like, and she wants to have them visit, for example? That's just one example. Then you have, as you mentioned, not leaving the home without his permission, and elaboration on that, again, between the
thought and models and the space that that woman have to negotiate this or consider this. A lot of women wonder How is this not considered imprisoning woman because there are, there are unfortunately men even in the West, who will literally tell their wives, I don't want you to leave the house.
Except if it's a life or death matter only you can go to X Y, Zed places and it's I don't know,
pick the kids up from school or or something urgent, and you cannot leave for any other circumstance. He tells her No, I don't want you to visit your family or your friend's house or don't go to the masjid. And of course, we have a very clear Hadith that says don't prevent the female saves of Allah from going to the masjid. But there are men who will still insist on this
is the condition I think mentioned in the Hadith about protecting
his home, his property, his wealth and his absence. You know, what exactly does this mean? And of course, that final one that you mentioned, responding to intimacy, and what is the scope and the extent of that? No, that's a very, very detailed question. We can't answer everything that comes up with that. But just generally I know
These are explicit things that have been mentioned in certain narrations and questions arise based on that as well. Okay, so taking these one by one, because, you know, the answer could be extremely detail, I'll be detailed until you stop me. I'll just say whatever needs to be sad. But if you want me to, yeah, if you if you're interested in more brevity, let me know a first question that you are. Well, you brought up three different issues. The first one is letting people enter this hole is there is there such concept? Yes, the Prophet sallallahu sallam said in a hadith as reported by Buhari that a woman should not fast wine, her husband is present without his permission, and she
should not invite that people into his home without his permission. And the Hadith said while he's present, so some of the scholars said that this is why he's present. Because if he's present, and he doesn't want certain people to come, then he's, you know, they will cause disruption. And the kind of he wants to be with his wife alone, then, you know, she should not be inviting people to disrupt their sort of time together, what if he's not present? Should she be able to invite people into his home? Generally? Yes, you know, because that's an art for that she should be able to invite people into his home without a problem unless he says that, I do not want this or that person to come into
my home or to be let into my home, that in this case, she should not but there are still some contingencies here. One, can he say to her, I do not want your parents to come according to the majority of scholars? No, he cannot, you know, so. So the Harvey's have two different positions that seems that the stronger position within the Hanafi madhhab and that's the position of the Maliki mother, he cannot prevent his parents in law from visiting once a week. He cannot prevent other Muharram from visiting once a year, they say, but but that also is something that is based on culture and based on certain expectations we have in those times, but the bottom line is they said
that he cannot prevent her from bringing in her parents in law, her other Muharram which is non marriageable kin and certainly you cannot prevent her from bringing in her children from another husband. They said daily even so they said they the for the children from another husband, they said weekly prayer for the parents, and they said the yearly for other kin, non marriageable kin, the hand bellies would agree and they say unless she's causing, you know that the person that's coming in is causing fitna between them in this case, he can basically prevent them from from coming. If they're causing fitna and this could be escalated to production in court and so on and so forth. But
if this is connected to the court, and the Maliki's would come back and say, if this goes to the courts or that the Maddox was coming back and say, if the court finds a good grounds for his claim that this person or that person is causing fitna between him and his wife, then then the court will basically allow them and still with a sort of a chaperone, or like some a score some sort of that that may be paid by the visitor, not the husband, but if the court finds no grounds for the husband's claim, and it's just the claim then he would pay for that score. So that is you know, people visiting her now, you mentioned something about you know, paying for the you know the pain
part of the rent and being a co owner, many people will think that this does not cause any wrinkles or problems it in reality it actually does. Many people would say that this is still his home he still the husband is the head of the household, but it is not, you know, it's not completely without problems here. One problem is if this was not his home in her home, but she's bearing fully edema. Now, he said for instance that the reason why the wife cannot let people into his home he said something that could be understood to mean or was understood by later scholars like Mahatma Ronald portfolio the man can be routed Mahajan, Alaska Annie and Porto be the one who wrote a commentary on
Muslim. The said that that nowhere you may have may be understood to mean that she cannot get people into his home because it is his her own. He owns it and if he doesn't own it that does not apply Edna Hunter and Toby disagree, and the vast majority of scholars would disagree but at the same time if we have a joint ownership of the home or she is considered in turn from an Islamic perspective, it's called Joint
ownership or the you know, men can and Michelle tween, which is basically each one of them as a non possessory co owner or CO tenant, each one of them does not have the right to dispose of or to make any decisions regarding the property without the consent of the other. So, she can cause him problems also in this case, because they have joint ownership or they are non possessory co tenants. So, she may also refuse or deny him the right to bring in this his guests. So, at the end of the day, he should they should just be kind to each other and just mutually agree on an arrangement that will be good for both of them and good for the family. But yes, you know, the fact that if she's
paying for half the rent, this will cause some wrinkles here. It will not completely do away with the concept, but it will cause some difficulties in applying it. So that's that. He also talked about, she going out like that she was she cannot leave his home without his permission. Now, there are exceptions here. There are exceptions he or she cannot leave the home without his permission. What are the exceptions one that is similar Korea and Saudi Aramco law
said that she can leave without his permission to go to court because if she wants to complain against them to go to a Mufti to, to earn a living, give his lab maintaining, so supporting error maintaining error and we can have those you know, go to to go to a doctor if there is like a, like a real need healthcare and the discoverers also discussed, you know, her visiting her her family members, can he prevent her from visiting her family members, and it seems at the heart of he is and Maliki's again don't find grounds for about for barring her from visiting good family members and they would allow her to go visit her family members. In fact, the Harvey's would say the parents on
weekly basis with or without his permission, so it's not contingent on his permission to visit their parents on weekly basis. So he's and Mike is in this regard would both say that she can go without her permission to visit her parents. They would also say that she can go without their permission to visit her Nan marriageable kin once a year but like I said, these are also issues that were that you know, that's how often people would visit
their friends. And now the last
last issue here I said before and this this is something that needs to be repeated, you know, there is the shonai first then there is the Charlotte which is agreement and I think that men and women need to invest some time before they get married and discussing many of those issues and some detail and agreeing on sort of and then the woman needs to you know if she is ready to work quite passionate about some of these issues and she is concerned that her husband may not be flexible enough then she can make these conditions in bear in the contract and conditions when overrule and he you know, anything you know and in that regard on this the condition itself makes haram haram or
haram haram but if she makes it a condition that she will go to work, that is a valid condition. homebodies in particular are basically the most flexible math hap in terms of the conditions that the wife can and can stipulate in her marriage contract that they would allow her to make any condition that is of benefit from her and that does not make haram haram or Halal haram. Even sad that she can make a condition against polygamy or she can stipulate in the marriage that if he decided to marry a second wife that she would have the right to separation and be allowed her to make that condition because the other mother have did not but the Haram Hanbury said there is a
benefit for her and of this condition. And that condition does not make haram haram. It didn't make it home it just made it restricted for him. Why of married to her? It you know, but if he insists on going out and marrying a second wife hold she asked is to be released from that marriage. She did not you know, she did not stipulate the second marriage would be haram. She just said that if you do I need to be released. So you know many of these things, you know, can be discussed prior to marriage. And if the white beans particularly or potential wife feels particularly passionate about some of these issues, stepping away and then make that make it clear that that you are on those
demands. The last part or the
So the third issue we talked about not letting people into his own without his permission we talked about not going out prior without his permission and the exceptions there and up. dosbarth is about intimacy. And that is extremely emphasized. And I'm just you know, people need to know that, like I said before, you know, that just read, read why men are not getting married anymore in the mainstream culture, because they are given what the book would they are looking for. Without marriage, we do not want to destroy marriage destroying marriage will be more harmful to women than men, I'll be harmful to both, it will ruin both and it would ruin the society but it will be more
ruinous to women. So the issue of intimacy that the emphasis the profits on the loss and then placed on this issue, the the husband's right to intimacy was a great emphasis. And honestly speaking, the legislative miracle of the Quran and the Sunnah is one of the things that give me the greatest Eman boost, you may say, because you do see the wisdom of these teachings and the older you get, the more experience you have, the more you the more wisdom you find in these teachings, the nominal has already actually in movement of Balaam, he spoke about the miracles and and the cumulative growth of Eman because of of coming to you know, learn about the deen and the wisdom of certain in the various
spread out through the teachings of the ground and so on and so forth. So many people would would find solace in this and they would find certainty and they grow their certainty by learning these things. So the Prophet emphasize this a great deal. In fact, there is a Hadith in Korean Muslim from Abu Huraira where the Prophet SAW Salam said yeah, in our philosophy for Abba, Tabata, cabana had a an honor term that he had with us but when a man invites his his were asked for intimacy or invites his wife is bad, and she refuse us the angels will curse her until the morning and you know, we listen to you know that there is there is there is a genre of a hadith in this regard that the
prophets on the wall in some in one Hadith mentioned, even if she is on her camera saw that he he mentioned that a hadith even if she's occupy that the oven parent, there must be a reason why he emphasized this, because he knows that this, you know, the refusal, they're not denying the husband to that right to intimacy when start a cascade evil. And when we push the marriage into a vicious cycle, that could be detrimental to the marriage, that could be a catalyst of the marriages, the mice. So that is a sacred right, he got married, certainly for companionship for children, for offspring for procreation, and for all of this, but this is a major part of why people get married
now, is this right? That's absolute that doesn't have any contingencies. No, it does have some contingencies, there are many contingencies, but we can categorize them into under three headings. One, he must have fulfilled his side of the contract also, he must be maintained, he must maintain that his wife and Van if he if he does not spend on his wife, then he did offer feticide at the contract. And she's not required to fulfill the contract. And in fact, the scholars talk about that sort of reciprocation. Certainly that does not mean that the whenever the man gets a little bit, you know, food encounter some difficulties that the wife should, sorry, withhold that from him. I mean,
hopefully marriages or not, hopefully our marriages are much better than this. And hopefully, our men and women are much better than this. But we're just talking about the bare minimum here. We're talking about the skeleton, we're talking about the bare bones here of rice obligations. We're talking about the legal aspects of this. We're not talking about courtesy and kindness and graciousness which we started the discussion by saying that marriage would would not thrive or survive without them. But if we're talking about rights and obligations, yes, yeah, she may actually she's not required to fulfill that obligation if he has not fulfilled his obligations. The second
category would be if that would compromise, like the shorter so She's fasting, like a wardrobe and mandatory fasting with the R and hubzilla. Amara, she's having your period, all of these things, you know, you don't compromise the shutter. The third category is when there is harm, such as if she is sick or such as if she if there is like a contagious disease or something and event occurs cause pain or things of that nature, that that would be also consider and these are all exceptions. I would add to this and I you know,
This is not clearly stated, but I will add to this the psychological sort of incapacity, that emotional incapacity. Certainly we have this beautiful story of the female companion that whose child died because she kept up news from her husband who was coming back from a long trip and so on. And they were intimate that night. And then she told them in the morning, and this is a beautiful story and chose like selflessness, and all of that stuff. But, you know, realistically not to say that this was not realistic. But, you know, we're talking about us who are not as good if your mother had just died, she may not be emotionally capable of See, she may, this may cause her like
incapacity, and it's between her and Allah subhanaw taala. If, if she's unable to do this, then that's between her and Allah subhanaw taala. But these are the exceptions that are mentioned by the scholars. So these are all the exceptions that are mentioned the Bible scholars and I added to them now the psychological incapacity, and this would be deduced from some of what they said deduced from the fact that that psychological harm is Harn and the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam nada, there are there should be no harm or its application upon would apply to extreme psychological incapacity or emotional. So to jump in on this element of psychological distress or emotional harm,
a lot of people would argue that is very wide, and that could be applied in a lot of ways. And there could be
tension in terms of how a woman would consider something to be emotionally distressing or psychologically harmful. So here's an example of a situation that I was presented with just very recently, where there was an argument between the husband and the wife, and it wasn't made clear to me, you know, how severe it was or not. But she essentially felt that.
So there was the argument, and he approached her pretty much immediately after saying, This is my right, and you cannot turn me down, and she felt very hurt and as if she's being used, and so she was asking, does that it? Does my emotional state here not count for anything? Do I have no say in this? And it's not that she's going to withhold forever? It's not even some people might say, Oh, well, you know, it's weaponizing *, but many women will say, No, we're not weaponizing it we're just genuinely not in the place to
to be open to this in a manner that's not distressing or harmful to us, because of this context. What would you say to that? The idea here is psychological harm needs to be sort of significant harm that would lead to incapacity, not just to being like upset, not just to being irritated. But incapacity, you know, I give the example of you know, someone who receives news of their mother's death, for instance, may not be capable of things like that. But if there is an argument, it's quite unbecoming. unbleached chattering of the husband to ask for intimacy before he resolves the argument that Allah subhanaw taala says that we should basically have the right approach hand that was
explained by, you know, lots of our, you know, being like joyful and kissing and hugging and things of that nature as the right approach to intimacy. And some people don't do this, the prophets also none, you know, rebuke the people who would be their wives in the morning, and come later in the day to hug them or have intimacy with them. He said, one of you beats his wife like he would beat a stallion, and then he would come turn around and hug her. So he was pointing out the sort of the, the awkwardness of this behavior, and it is truly and very awkward behavior. And most sensible men and most decent men, you know, I would say here, decent men would not write within, like, these
insensible men would not do this. However, if she diffuses the tension by agri end to intimacy, she may actually she may actually change his heart, she may actually really transform him by showing him that you know, her commitments to the deal and her commitment to the marriage, she may be able to transform them now, at the end of the day, if this is a person that is not worth that she had grown resentful of and that it's a marriage that is not worth keeping them. There are ways to get out of this marriage. There are ways to get out of this marriage. The final word is if she is in
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