Channel: Haleh Banani
How Do You Express Your Needs to Your Spouse
© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.
How to express your needs to your spouse, many times people feel unfulfilled in a marriage, they feel that their needs are not met. And this creates a lot of frustration. And as time goes on,
they feel detached and neglected. And so it's very important to find out exactly what are the needs, that your spouse has. And this can be different for, for each person, I think the mistake that we make a lot of times in relationship is giving what we want. And it's, you know, that doesn't, it doesn't work that way, and you're not going to fulfill a person, because they've been brought up in a whole different household, they have different rules of expectations. And so it's really important to find out, what is it that they need, and once you know it, then to try to apply it. Now, as far as sharing those needs, it needs to be done in a very non threatening way. It can't, you can't
demand that you can't say these are my rights, and I expect it and I want it. So it needs to be done in a very in a very gentle way. It's about sharing, it's about talking about how a person can bring out the best in you, whether it's how to motivate you what to do, when you're sad, what to do when you're angry. I remember, before I got married, I told my spouse that if we get into an argument, and I say that I don't want to talk about it, I really do want to talk about it, but you just have to ask a little more consistently, you know, be more persistent and try a little bit harder. And that was the, you know, one of the things I told him that I need, and it really, it really helped.
Now, if I hadn't told him that and we got into a disagreement, and I said, I don't want to talk about it, and he would give me space, because that's what a man usually wants you on space doesn't want to talk about it, then I would have felt that, oh, he doesn't care. And look, and it just, you know, like reaffirms that safe feelings that you that I could have. And so this is really important. don't express your needs, by comparing your spouse to someone else. That is like the worst thing you could do. And a lot of men fall into this, thinking that they can motivate their spouse maybe to lose some weight and say, Oh, look, so and so is is so fit and so thin. Wouldn't it be great if you
two could be like this. And this just First of all, it destroys the relationship that woman has with the with the other woman that it destroys that relationship, then the wife will start feeling very inadequate, and nothing good comes out of it. There's a lot of jealousy and inadequacy. So don't ever use another person's like, Oh, look, look how active they are, look how pious they are. And they've taught this to their kids. And this really creates a lot of tension. So try to give the suggestions or talk about what makes you feel happy without using anyone else as as a comparison or as a yardstick and share your feelings with compassion. If you share what's in your heart and you're
compassionate, you're not arrogant, you're not demanding, you're not harsh, then that message will be received very well. I see that with a lot of clients I've worked with that. If they learn to communicate their needs and their needs are being fulfilled, then their marriage just improves drastically. I think one of the number one complaints that people have is that their needs are not being fulfilled, whether it's physically emotionally, spiritually. So when you tell your spouse what it is, that will make you feel happy, that will make you feel fulfilled, then they have a winning chance at