Keys To Improve Your Marriage – 04 – Infidelity

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

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Episode Notes

Dangers of Infidelity & How to Avoid It

Episode Transcript

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Another common problem that Muslims face in their marriage is infidelity. There's been such a rise such an alarming rise in infidelity amongst Muslims. And I can't tell you how many clients have come in, whether I was in today, or Egypt, or here in America, and I do Skype therapy. So I've talked to people from all over the world, and the number of people who come to me, and they tell me that they caught their spouse cheating. And unfortunately, it is both the men and the woman. And these are practicing Muslims, individuals who know better, who are practicing who have hit jobs, and they are married, and they're pursuing other married men. And this is really a shame. And this is one of the

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things that we need to address. And I believe that the key to addressing this is improving the marriages, if Muslims are having better relationships in their home life, if they have that connection, if they have that feeling of being appreciated and loved, then these forms of infidelity will decrease in Sharla. With the advent of technology, it has made the herranz so easy and so accessible. When a person is just one click away, when the pictures are just one click away, it takes a lot more self control, a lot more discipline to stick with the Hadoop of Allah. And even when men and women are interacting, it's a lot easier for people to put down their guards when it's

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just a simple message rather than facing someone face to face. And this is something that we need to be aware of. I've had so many brothers call in and tell me how Yes, they love their, their spouse, and they love their children, but they happen to get involved with with someone online. And you know, what usually happens is a damsel in distress. This is the tactic that a lot of these, these people are using this, I have been wronged and I have been mistreated, and you need to help me and you're my hero. And this really affects the male ego. And it could be about giving them compliments and making them feel so appreciated. I had one sister who actually she was she was not married. And

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the way she would get her kicks was to make men fall in love with her. And she would say that I specifically I say things that I would never say to my own spouse. So it's really like a lot of just made up. It's a very fake relationship based on just giving compliments to one another and it breaks down the home. So many sisters who come to my come to my office, and they talk about the fact that they found messages their husband was engaged with, with someone at work or, or someone online, or they are having an affair, they catch them in the act. And unfortunately, the sisters are getting involved with this too. I've had sisters, these are married mahad Java sisters, with kids who pursue

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other men. And what is really, really dangerous here is that people are justifying their behavior.

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And the new mentality is that if I am not fulfilled, then I'm going to find it elsewhere. And they feel that they are somehow justify, if their husband is not giving them attention, then they look for it elsewhere. Maybe at the workplace, maybe at the bakery maybe at at the school with another like a father at the school. And this is happening across the globe. And it is really sad. It is really sad and disheartening to to see so many practicing individuals I understand if someone doesn't know any better, I understand if someone is away from the dean, but these are individuals who sometimes give lectures who are very involved with the community and with the dean and seeking

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knowledge. This is not people who are jarhead. And they are somehow finding a way to justify and I think that really what we need to do is make sure that we are putting forth our effort into our marriage. Now that time that you spent outside, whether it's flirting with the secretary or it could be flirting with the salesman or whoever it is, why don't you use that energy to devote to your spouse, because it's all about giving attention to the person that you love. And the feelings may have died. You may have concerns there might be things you're frustrated, work through them, because it is not a solution to just go after someone else to break up a home. If people actually do this. I

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mean people that I know have actually personally

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sued, married men and broken up the family broken up a long marriage, maybe they have been married for 1015 years. And they break it up. Why? Because of their own selfish desires. And we really have to be sensitive about this. Because once you break a family unit, this creates so many problems, so many issues come up from this. So

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I think that it's really critical that we give our spouse the attention, the love, the appreciation that they need, because if they don't get it, then it is very easy for them to look elsewhere. And never punish your spouse, by not giving them that attention. Never punish your spouse by not getting intimate with them, because there is somebody out there who is willing to, to take your place, and who's willing to do that. And I think that this is a this is a topic that that I'm emotional about, because I have seen too many families be affected. And I think it's really important to realize that no one is immune to this. I don't care how much you have knowledge, I don't care how long the beard

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is, how how active you are, how knowledgeable how much we're on you have, it doesn't matter what you know. But if you find yourself in a circumstance where you are not abiding by the boundaries, the who do the law, there will be transgression, because I have seen it with clients who knew better. And I would warn them, I would say, you know, you need to keep the who do this chatting, and flirting and giving compliments. Once you are together, you know, there is going to be it's not going to be pretty it's going to be a disaster will happen. And it's like putting, you know, fire and paper together and saying don't burn don't burn, burn, burn. It's not gonna work, you just have

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to avoid it. So the avoidance, and that's by keeping the Hadoop. And once I had all these clients who were having infidelity, I started doing research on the topic trying to understand what is it and how can we avoid it. And I actually came across a non Muslim psychologist who gave a long list of things

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to be aware of in order to avoid infidelity. And I was so amazed as I read this, one by one It sounded. So Islamic one, one of the first thing it said, do not have friendship with the opposite sex that you know that if you create this bond, and how how do most relationships occur? It is through a friendship it's through exchange and compliments a wink and a smile and it starts off really small, and then it escalates. And this is why a lot of men, they will call me and they're on the phone crying, saying that I just I'm addicted to this relationship, and I don't know how to stop. And so the best thing is to catch it and not to even get into it. So if you protect yourself,

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then you're less likely to fall into the ditch. Another thing that was mentioned is do not spend excessive amount of time with with the opposite sex where you're on a regular basis, you're meeting up during lunch break, or you're seeing each other at the coffee or having coffee together. And one more thing that he mentioned was not to complain about your spouse or your about your children to the opposite sex. Now a lot of times people think, oh, there's nothing wrong, I'm only talking about my spouse and my kids the whole time. But in reality, this is creating an emotional bond. And this creates emotional infidelity, which is just as bad, especially for women, because this is what they

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need more than anything else that this is more important to them than the physical intimacy. So if they're sharing with another man, their emotions, their feelings and what I want and what I desire, then this is as important to them as physical intimacy is to men. And so we need to be, you know, guard our marriages, from infidelity, who shower your spouse with the love and attention that they deserve. So that you make sure that you don't create a reason for them to step outside and transgress and really guard yourself because anyone that comes into your life is a test. If you're attracted to them, if you find them beautiful or handsome or charming, or intelligent, whatever it

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is, whatever it is that appeals to you, maybe you that it appeals to you that they're so religious or they're so active. But all of this is a test and your test is to be able to

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to be loyal to your spouse without transgression. And if you keep your hoodoo, if you keep your boundaries then

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There will never be a transgression. So I pray that we can all work on our relationships in order to protect that from any form of infidelity, infidelity.