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How Do You Forgive In A Marriage

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

Episode Notes

Marriage Counseling Question – How Do You Forgive In A Marriage

Sr. Haleh gives a step by step description on how to forgive in order to let go of the past and build emotional connections with your spouse.

Episode Transcript

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How many of you have been in an argument with your spouse? where suddenly they drag something in from here years ago, maybe seven years ago, eight years ago? And you just stuck? You're wondering, how is it that they even remember what had happened? I'll give you a scenario with one of the couples I was doing marriage counseling with. They were in an argument and the wife starts to bring up something from nine years ago, not what was the incident that happened. She was Nursing at the time, and she was starving at a friend's house. And that served the meal. But she was so busy nursing her child that she couldn't get up and go get the meal. Now husband, happy go lucky guy.

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He's there. They invite him. They say, Come, he goes, he eats. And yeah, the good old time. Meanwhile, she's sitting there wondering, why is he thinking about me? Why didn't he make a plate of food for me, I'm busy feeding the baby. And he is like, totally neglecting me. So this came up. And the husband was pretty frustrated. It's like, I can't believe she drank something from nine years ago. But why did she try it because she was still hurt. She was still feeling that he didn't get it, he didn't understand. And that was one of the stories that kind of clarified to her. The fact that she's a lot of times ignored or her emotions are not tended to, and she doesn't feel nurtured in the

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relationship. I got a question. And that said, How do you forgive in a marriage? So it really pertains to this, how do you forgive? First of all, you have to feel that you have been heard and understood, you have to take the time to have a discussion about what happened. Now, if that incident happened, what I'm guessing is that it happened, and she may have gotten matched, you may have just ignored it, or she may have just gotten mad about it. And there was no resolution, there was no exchange. She didn't feel heard, she didn't feel understood. And it wasn't, it wasn't resolved. And that's why she's carrying this emotional baggage all these years. So the first step is

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to make sure that you address the things that come up on a daily basis. Don't let it pile up. Don't pack it away. What happens in your home, if you don't maintain on a daily basis, what happens if you keep the dishes piled up, what happens to the garbage, if you don't take it out each day creates a huge mess. And that's exactly what happens in marriages. When you're not doing the daily cleanup in your marriage, the daily forgiveness and discussions and resolving, then emotional garbage piles up in your heart, and it's going to come up, it's going to come in overflow, where if it's not resolved, you're going to think about it 10 years later. So make sure that I daily basis, you're

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addressing the things that are concerning you in a diplomatic way you bring it up, you discuss it in a mature kind way. And as long as you make your spouse feel heard, understood, and you show some level of empathy, then most of the time it could be resolved. See, she never felt like he got it, he still didn't get it. When we were in the therapy sessions. Like I don't, I don't understand. I ate my meal. why she's so mad. Why. And once we got it to a point where he acknowledged the fact that she felt neglected, she wanted to be cared for. She's putting all her heart and soul into taking care of the baby, that she just wants her husband to be looking out for her. Once he got that, then

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she was able to put it to rest and not bring it off again. So your own marriage, make sure that prior to forgiving. You have to discuss, resolve, feel hurt and feel understood. That is an important step that a lot of people just overlook. They're like, you know, just be patient. Just be forgiving. Well, you know what, if you're not getting these address, it piles up, and you will get to a point where you will explode. And when that explosion occurs, everyone's like what happened. I don't even know why she's so angry. But it's because it hasn't been dealt with on a daily basis. So make sure you do the daily maintenance in your marriage. If anything comes up, you discuss it. You

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make your spouse feel heard and understood, you empathize. And then that way you are resolving the problems on a daily basis. And then once you do that, though, you do have to let go because I know that a lot of times women are notorious for this is that we like to hang on to all of these things like to hang on to them, and it's kind of used as a weapon later on when

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An argument comes up five, six years later, and that's not healthy, so try your best to let go once you have disgust. I hope you've enjoyed watching this video. My name is Khalid banani. I'm a therapist in clinical psychology and a marriage counselor. For the past 20 years. I've worked with individuals from across the globe and then handed law as the founder of the five pillars of marriage program. I know it's effective. So if you benefited from this, like it, share it with your friends and family and also subscribe to my channel so you can get more videos. Thank you for watching.