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3 things you can do today to connect with your spouse immediately!

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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fixing your marriage and your relationships starts in your own mind, whatever you're thinking about whatever you assume about your spouse is going to affect the way you think about them and how you feel about them and ultimately, how you treat them. So there are three steps that we can take in order to affect the way that we think about our spouse, change the way that we're relating to them, and also connect on a deeper level Salam Alaikum. This is Khalid banani. And it's marriage mending Mondays. And I want to give you some pointers, some things that I have experienced within the 20 years of helping clients worldwide, how you can improve your marriage. You know, one of the first

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things that I tell my clients is that you need to practice positive projection. Practicing positive projection means basically having homelessness done.

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Assuming the best, assuming the best of your spouse, you know, many times, I find that clients just assume the worst, they will say you their spouse will tell them a statement, they may be in a bad place. They may have had some experiences that day, and you have to assume the best. It's amazing how the Prophet Muhammad Salallahu alaihe salam has taught us to have the hustler than to assume the best when you come in with that mindset that they may just be having a bad day, they didn't really mean it and you assume the best, it really affects the way you feel. What I have seen is that when couples when they hear a comment, and they just immediately jump to the worst case scenario, they

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assume that the worst and they react the reaction is so this overreaction, which causes an explosion, it causes so many things to go wrong. And when they start practicing the whole sudden, when they start having a positive projection, and they assume the best then that is what changes everything around and I want you to try that with your spouse I know that you may be thinking well, you don't know my spouse, you don't know what they have done. And and that may be the case I don't know your particular situation. But I can tell you that in all your relationships, if you have a more positive assumption, then everything is going to go so much smoother. salaam aleikum, sisters,

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thank you, and brothers for joining in. So we're talking about the three ways to connect. So one, the first we said, assuming the best and you really have relationship is a science and when when you study it when you recognize that how people relate to one another, and overreacting is never the answer. When you take what the person is saying. And you are more aware of your own patterns, because many times we bring in our old patterns, we bring in the negativity, maybe some unresolved issues, and a small issue gets, you know, gets out of control. Okay, so that's the first step second, is listening without fixing, listening without fixing. That's a hard one. Okay, I

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understand. I know that, you know, in the line of work I do I always have my fix that hat on, right. So I understand what it's like when someone tells you a problem, and you feel like you have the answer, right. And I remember with one of my friends, she was telling me about a marriage issue. And I was just like, okay, here's what she says step one, step two, step three, and she said, you know, haila, sometimes I just want to vent. This is like 20 years ago. And I said, You know what, you're absolutely right. So it really makes a difference when you hear someone out. So if you give, let's say 20 minutes, okay, 20 minutes to hear the complaint, the frustration, the hurt, whatever it is

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that they're going through without trying to fix it right? In my marriage program, the five pillars of marriage, we have this really hilarious video. And some of you may have seen it is it's the wife has a nail, you know, there's a nail in her head and the husband and she's saying, I have a headache. And the husband wants to say just take the nail out.

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And you have to see it because it's hilarious, in that sometimes you don't need to state the obvious is just being empathetic, actually, it's a lot easier, right? Because many times we feel like oh my gosh, I need I need to solve this problem. And it's not necessarily about solving it. It's about being present. It's about listening and hearing the individual out. And you know, with the within the 20 minutes, you don't sit there silently, you know, because I had a client come and say, you know, I was really trying to be a great husband, my heart

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My wife was so frustrated. And she, you know, I gave her 30 minutes, she just talked talk talk, and I just stayed quiet. And at the end, she got mad at me, he was so confused. And really, it's, it's not about just sitting silently, right, because if you come across as being zoned out or uninterested, so you do have to participate, you do need to have comments, you need to have follow up questions, maybe even repeating. So what I hear you saying is that you're very frustrated that I haven't been spending any time with you or you're you know, you're really upset that I'm always on the phone, or I'm always doing my work or you don't feel like you're a priority, when you repeat

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what it is that your your spouse is, you know, frustrated about, that's when the person feels hurt. But if you're just sitting there quiet for like 30 minutes,

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it makes the person feel like you don't care, right? So we got to make sure that we are projecting the right emotion, and that we listen, because a lot of times, it's just a matter of hearing the personnel. What I see in the

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marriage coaching that I do, I see that individuals, they don't even give each other a chance to complete their sentences, you know, I have to set the rules of you know, gift that respect, allow your spouse to finish their thought, don't interrupt, and I do this consistently. And you find that sometimes in one session, people will follow that same pattern. So give that space, allow your spouse to express themselves and be more patient be more patient. and respect is really about hearing the other person out and not speaking over them not feeling like you have all the answers not thinking that, you know, I'm right, and they're wrong. And I'm going to fix it. So that is

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another important point is give at least 20 minutes to hear your spouse out. And the third thing that I would recommend as a way to connect deeply with your spouse is spend time, right, there's a lot of emphasis on quality time. And you may be saying you know what we're spending too much time together, right. And there's a lot of frustration about people working from home or being in each other's space the entire time. But there is a there's a difference between just being in the same space versus quality time. And this is what a lot of people don't understand, they are in the same room. And you know, the sometimes the wife is very frustrated. And we'll say you know, I am right

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there. I don't understand what more he wants from me, he sees me all day long. But he you know, the husband will complain that we're not really connecting, right, she's just consumed with whatever it is that she's doing, or all her attention is on the kids. And then might be the wife complaining that Yeah, he's there. He's, you know, he's sitting there, but he's like, he's completely disconnected. So you need to be emotionally present. And you need to connect and have quality, time quality times mean, eye contact, right, you gotta have eye contact, give me two to be communicating, you need to be, in a sense, doing something that you enjoy, I would not call sitting in front of the

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TV quality time that that really isn't quality time. You could do that. But it's not quality time. So maybe going for a walk, maybe having a cup of tea together, doing some kind of activity. And even if it's 20 minutes a day mate doesn't need to be for hours and hours. But if you have that way of connecting on a daily basis, this is what keeps your relationship going really strong because it's not about the amount of time that you're spending in the same space. It's about the emotional connection you're making. So if you prioritize the emotional connection, if you are really listening to your spouse, giving them that time to vent not dismissing them, not making them feel like they

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are you know they don't make any sense and you're wrong to feel this way never never ever tell a person you're wrong to feel that way you know everyone has a right to the way they're feeling. And so when you listen with an open heart open mind and you practice positive projection you have the highest net than you assume the best of your spouse. This is going to completely change your connection with your with your spouse. And so this is this is my reminder for the marriage mending Monday and I really hope that all of you are able to you know you're able to apply these points because it it really does make a difference.

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I have seen so many individuals come in. And even if they come along right and they're not with their spouse, they make certain small changes, they learn certain marriage skills. And within a few sessions, their whole marriage is different and and they bring out the best in their spouse. So make it an effort, make your intention to improve your relationship and inshallah that we can be up to people who learn and information, learn it and apply it so it's like a lucky time for to tuning in. And tomorrow is going to be transformational Tuesday, same time, it'll be top 30 pm Central. Take care of Salaam Alaikum