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In the Shade of Allah – Teens and Islam

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Haifaa Younis

Channel: Haifaa Younis

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Bismillah your man you're walking

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Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato Smilla with humbler or salatu salam ala Rasulillah. While early he or Sotheby he will Manuela la Malim knmi and fowl now on fina Bhima lantana in the Casa Mian would you would do ah, Mama Nia all the becoming a milliamp hour lb Leia infc Latisha Bauer do I use MA or Bonilla to the ALU whenever there is the tena, habla molygen Kurama inika internal hub, ob Shockley sundry USA li Emery while you're locked into melissani of all holy welcome. Salam aleikum, everyone and welcome desert Malachy for joining us it's Tuesday evening, it's seven o'clock in St. Louis time, five o'clock California time and wherever you are joining us from does akmola

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here for joining us. We'll be really nice to know where are you joining us from Hamdu lillahi rabbil aalameen May Allah subhanaw taala put bless us all in this day and age and this beginning of a new year may last pantalla lift to the test your OB Amin again the world is going through another surge of the COVID and a lot of people are getting sick. So may Allah subhanho wa Taala your OB Amina Scirocco be policemen who work we ask Allah with every name that is yours, that's your Allah Who remove this test from all of us and may Allah Subhana Allah forgive all our sins, your BME and make this as a mean to elevate our status are not a punishment for us. And for those especially we pray

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that everybody was getting sick me a loss pantalla grabbed them with full shifa and recovery your OB Amin so hamdulillah her brand I mean we are today it's a pleasure again to welcome my dear friend and our dear share her and she's also our guest instructor agenda Institute. She has a new one sorry joining us from Tennessee. She has a now as always lovely to see you. And it's a pleasure to have you with us again my last pantalla join us always for in everything that's pleases Him in May Allah subhanho wa Taala shower all all of us share of me with health and his pleasure. So Sheikh Hasina Inshallah, one of the

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main challenges that we as Muslim families these days, and anyone who has children, whether they are now growing up or they already grown up, you probably would agree with this statement is when a las pantallas says in Mr. Moya como la confit? For sure your children and wealth is a test and raising children especially in this day and age, especially in the Western world. Anything to say short of a challenge and test is probably an understatement. And however Allah has pantalla out of his Rama always help us and send us means and ways and he makes things easy. So I will leave this to chef has enough to share with us the gems that she always does. And what do you want to share with us? Yes,

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she has enough today about teens. What's their responsibility? are they responsible and what's the responsibility of the parents? So I will leave it to your chef I

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can't hear you

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As Salam or Alec Marshall to light Alberta Katusha he felt so happy to see you and to join you in this Tuesday night for this special program and warm welcome to to our dear sisters and audience members who are gathered here so I hope that picture and sound are okay. I actually have some slides I prepared they seem to have actually shown up here so I can figure out how to do this inshallah.

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Okay, there we are. So this is our topic for tonight. And the shade of Allah to Allah, teens and Islam. So, for those of you who are accustomed to my teaching style, you know that I follow the inquiry kind of method of teaching, which is I always like to start off with posing a question so I'll begin properly Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim.

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And that in the name of the Most Gracious merciful hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa sallahu wa Alesi Morales?

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I mean, so is everyone able to hear me I feel like my picture and sound are slowing or speeding or not sure what's going on?

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I can handle that handler very good. So you know as always, we ask Allah to Allah for for openings for blessings and we begin with the name of Allah Tada who's always gracious and merciful and praising Allah Tala amidst all our circumstances, and asking Allah to Allah to send blessings to peace upon Prophet Muhammad, and his companions Amira, so this is really the question that I wanted to explore for tonight.

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And it ties into the parenting class. So I'm really excited about the parenting class, we're just starting inshallah in about 10 days or so. And, and as part of what we'll be discussing for the parenting class, the idea is parenting with purpose, that could look right and like that every one of us a shepherd, and every one of you is responsible for his or her flock. So that really is the Hadith that's kind of underpinning the class. And the idea behind parenting with purpose, we're going to explore more inshallah to Allah over the next four weeks. But in terms of tonight's topic, and how it's related to the idea of parenting was purpose. I wanted to kind of kind of delve into

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this question of teens and addressing the kind of specific needs of of teens. And it's an interesting question to me, because I'm raising, you know, I'm raising teens, three of my, so I've got two children, and please make dua for them. And may Allah always preserve our children. So my three children are our two of them are teens, and one is about to become a team. So it's a really interesting question to me, obviously, from from the standpoint of being a mom, but also from the standpoint of teaching Islamic law. I've been kind of thinking about issues of tech leaf. So I'm going to kind of back up a little bit and share with you why this is kind of interesting idea or

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question to me, it's because I'm, I'm the child of converts. And one of the things that was really interesting kind of growing up is that there wasn't a lot of literature that addressed parenting from an Islamic standpoint.

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So one of the ideas that my parents encountered when they were raising the my sister, and the 19 1980s 1990s. And as we kind of became teens in the 1990s, was this idea of adolescence, of it of being a teenager. And this idea of tech leaf, which I'll define in just a moment. And if

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Islamic law has sort of space for this concept of being a teen, and what was really interesting was that the AI that at that ethics, in the 1990s, this idea that became really kind of prevalent, was that no, if you look at Islamic, going to see that, in terms of how law addresses legal responsibility, which is what typically themes you go from is you go from being a child to being an adult. And there's really kind of no intervening phase of development between those two stages. So that is the ends that in that's information that I'm posing tonight. And again, while it might seem like an odd question, to, you know, to some of you, it's actually something that's quite relevant,

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because, you know, again, for a lot of us as Muslims in the West, when we are looking for guidance, and advice on how to really address any range of issues, whether it's relating to marriage, or family, or parents or what have you, we are going to I guarantee you nine times out of 10, we are going to refer to books of a football or jurisprudence, Islamic law. And that's where you're going to see, for example, in discussions of religious obligations to just prayer, for example, or fasting, we're going to see that that the jurists, the football ha are going to address sometimes directly and sometimes tangentially, they're going to address this issue of going from childhood to

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quote unquote, adulthood, when one goes from being a child to being a more qlf are legally responsible individual. So, you know, again, in our in kind of a cursory reading of those texts, you know, you can't blame you can't blame people, you know, if you know, if we look at those texts and come away with the understanding that there is no intervening period of development called the teenage years. So that's the question for tonight Shay. I just wanted to present that. Okay.

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Chawla so just let me know. And shall if I should continue? Yes, please. Okay, very good. So I have in the slides and by the this is a four week parenting course parenting with purpose we're gonna be looking at the hadith of guardianship looking at different developmental stages inshallah of child development. We'll be looking at this idea of creating a philosophy of parenting and making sure that is rooted in the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet alayhi salaatu wa Salaam. So that's the plan for the next four weeks. But as I was thinking about tonight's topic, and this idea of the teen, I said, Is it true? Is it correct that we go to books of jurisprudence and draw the conclusion

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that you go from being a child to an adult, and there's no recognition by those premiums?

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And or are scholars of the classical era that there's no recognition of kind of use or being a teenager? And then I said, let me actually go back and look at those texts. And in even kind of beyond that, let me actually go back and look at various as in the Quran, let me look at prophetic, a hadith. And let's actually kind of look at how this issue of youth is addressed. So thinking about tonight's topic, Shayla Haifa and, and all of the sisters here in the audience, I was really intrigued with this particular Hadith that I want to share. So I've got both the Arabic and the English here. Yeah, the Arabic starred that the text might be a little bit garbled there, that's a

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citation at the bottom. But you, as you can see, can actually find this in Behati, and Muslims. So here's our Hadith. So the Lahore on who reported the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam said, there are seven people who Allah will shade on a day when there is no shade, but his so toggling back and forth, I want you to see the ever because it's really beautiful. So back to your little villa, Villa Hiyama. law, the law in law, the law, the law, so that now your seven categories. Number one is your just leader, Al Imam, and I had to.

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And then number two, it's really interesting, it goes from the just leader to this idea of look at the term shop shop Nash RBI that is dilla. And to me, this is really intriguing, because now we get mention of this kind of period of development, where a person is referred to as being Cheb. And this to me is, again, it's very intriguing because it is a Hadith, it's texts like these, that support the idea that even you know, obviously, 14 Centuries ago, there is recognition that there is this period of intellectual, cognitive, moral and physical development that intervenes sometime between childhood and adulthood. And here, the Prophet peace upon him is referring to this as that period

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when someone is Cheb. So we have the idea of the use that, that that is Nisha and Misha as an interesting term, because Nasha means to be raised up to be inculcated that this is the basis of tarbiyah for this youth, a youth who grew up in the worship of Allah, then, and I think really each of these categories is actually kind of related. Because the next category that immediately follows is the idea of the person. What was your elbow who more I look, Phil, massage it, and by the way, let's not make the mistake of doing a cursory reading IE, a very, and what that means is a superficial reading, or we think, Oh, well, this hadith is not for me, as a woman, it has nothing to

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do with women or young women. No, this hadith addresses number one, anybody's position of leadership. Number two, the shop is not restricted to obviously male youth, right? Male and female youth, that that they are inculcated on the model of this of worship of Allah subhanaw taala, then the person whose heart is attached to massage it, and as I hope to address in the four week parenting class, I don't think these are separate categories, ie, that there's something that's being suggested here, that by being kind of connected to the community, to the space of worship is going to assist in this effort to raise these to bring these children up upon this particular model.

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So so we get the person as hard as attached to the massage and then we get this idea of people that their attachment to each other is solely for the, for the sake of Allah to Allah, they love each other, they they meet each other, and depart from each other on the basis, the sake of Allah to Allah, then this is where the Hadith gets a little tricky to read. Because again, we read it very literally and think, Well, how does this apply to me? Well, keep in mind, this is not exclusive in the sense that even the language says, and who is tempted by beautiful, of high status, but he rejects your writing, I fear Allah, the reverse could also apply if it's a woman who has to make

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this choice between the temptations of the of the dunya and thinking about Allah to Allah, and then the person who was charitable, such that they spend so much that their right hand does not know what the left hand gives. And then finally, the person who remembers Allah to Allah and private, which is really key. And that person, their, their, their eyes overflow with tears. So again, I'm presenting this hadith because like I said, if we kind of go beyond these rulings, and some of the books of law, we can see there is a recognition time and time again, in numerous ahaadeeth that there are these different stages, stages of human development. Now again, if you're wondering about this term,

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tech leaf, I don't have a slide on that. I'll be kind of working on that inshallah. For the class and teaching but the term tech leaf tech leaf is a monster. It's a verbal jarred or verbal noun, that that that is usually translated as

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kind of a

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legal obligation under the Sharia to enact certain responsibilities that constitute the pillars of Islam, the pillars of worship, and it is sort of entering into this period of tech leaf, that really sort of signals to the community that that person is, has now become a mature a quote unquote, mature and responsible adult. Okay, so I want you to understand what that what does that term mean? And of course, I'm not dismissing it, I'm not saying it doesn't apply. I'm not saying these texts don't apply, absolutely, they apply. But I want you to understand that the person that's typically that has typically for the mu qlf individual, the legally responsible individual, usually in the

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Texas define in terms of three components, you have to write these down, because they're not here in the in the slides, those three components are blue, and an alcohol and Islam. Alright, or we can start with Islam. Number one, in order for an individual to be considered to be responsible, they have to be Muslim, ie that these these these the obligations of prayer and fasting, and is a cat and pilgrimage they apply to whom the Muslim individual number one, and then number two, the person is Bella. And that's where we kind of fall into that question of is there actually the teenage person in Islam? Because boule right, or the person who was there live with a person who was of age, it

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means that that person has reached adolescence that there are certain physical markers of development that have taken place. And you know, of course, Shayla, you know, please feel free to comment, you know, given that you're a physician, mashallah, so, you know, you have insight into these matters. But you know, in the text, it's usually defined as that, for female, it's the onset of menstruation or menarche. And for the male,

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it is that that person, basically, they've had a specific type of dream that they're going to see, or they've reached 15 years of age. So So again, these are markers of physical development that we see in adolescence. And of course, I could list other signs, but that's not necessarily the the topic for tonight.

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But what I want to emphasize here is just just because that young person has reached the age of blue, it doesn't mean that cognitively and intellectually they become adults. And that's a very important distinction. And that's a distinction that we might miss, if we don't read these texts, these the books of jurisprudence properly. Because keep in mind here, that the football Hall are not arguing that that person that's just become an adolescent is at the same place morally, spiritually, intellectually, as the more mature adult, no, they're just saying that from the standpoint of Islamic ritual law, that there is kind of a legal obligation or an expectation now that this person

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is going to be able to perform certain responsibilities. So IE, they're going to be praying, or they're going to be fasting. Primarily those two because of course has just a different conversation that requires a certain amount of resources a cat has, you know, having wealth, right, so I want you to understand where I'm coming. So again, those those are again, this is how we define tech leaf in terms of number one, are they Muslim? Number two, have they reached adolescence? And number three, that the presence of our Auckland like an island that is an aqua Saleem sound intellect, and that's also key. And I want to emphasize this point here, because

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that person's intellectual and cognitive capacity has to be such that they understand what is the rationale behind praying and fasting and carrying out these obligations. So in other words, we can't go and kind of make the same demands of someone say, who is maybe neurotypical that we can't make the same demand save somebody who has a disability, especially intellectual one. And so this, this comes to me this, this, this addresses my next point here, which is the idea of understanding that even for teens that don't have an intellectual or cognitive impairment or disability, that there are certain areas of the brain that are still developing, and especially when it comes to Yes.

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Love

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is the question I have as as a mother, who I have, let's say, or any of the mothers or the parents who are listening to us who they have

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Have a 14 or a 15 or a 12 year, let's say a goal these days, my situation starts at nine and 10 years old, literally. I mean, if you go to the sixth grade, fifth grade sixth graders good number of the goals are, and for the boys, a lot of them that physical changes will happen way before 15. Why do I, as a mother need to know that don't judge them fully as an adult, although there is a cliff or there is a certain ritual requirements have become obligation? What does that help me with?

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That?

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Absolutely. So, yes, so I'm starting to sound was kind of cutting off. So the question is, when that young person reaches adolescence earlier, right, what do we Okay, so, absolutely. So it's important to understand that when it comes to menstruation, that you know, most of the schools of law have established a minimum age, I think it's around. I think it's around nine years of age, right? At least I know that chef, Chef. Yes, yes.

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Right. Right. Absolutely. So obviously, that, you know, now, if a girl is menstruating before that age, then obviously we want to make sure that that that concern is addressed from a medical standpoint. Now, I know this is difficult conversation for moms, because, you know, if if the if the girl reaches menstruation say before that average of you know whether it's 1112 13, at age nine, that's a lot, right? You're coming to a nine year old, you're saying, okay, nine year old under the Shetty app, now you have to carry out all these religious obligations. So

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this is where inshallah I'll be addressing this in my class. So this is again, where you know, again, that idea of kind of having a very intentional philosophy of parenting,

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that you know, where you're going to be kind of acclimating that young person to these obligations. And by the way, there's this idea of the age of 10 years, which is addressed in these texts, that before you get to, you know, before you get to adolescence, there is this window, between seven and nine or seven and 10 years of age, where you're teaching, right, you're not imposing, but you are teaching certain

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rituals to your children, right. So in other words, they're being acclimated to prayer, and they're being acclimated to fasting. And by the way, you know, the texts actually say that if they don't think certain things, say, by age 10, then you can kind of discipline them. All right. So what I want to say here is that if, and this is my advice, if you have a young girl, because nine years of age, this is still a young girl, and she has experienced she's experiencing her first cycle.

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Now, if our approach to parenting has been all along that she sees the parents praying and fasting, and she has participated in these activities, and she, you know, she's gonna be getting to kind of form a worldview around what it means to be Muslim. Right? It really depends. On have we done that or not? Now, if they're if we've kind of established that foundation, then yes. Could you come to her at age nine and say, you should be doing all five prayers and fasting? Yes, by the the kind of very strict letter of the law? Yes, yes, you can do that. However, I also want to caution that compassion is very important here to understand that every family is different, every household, you

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know, it has its own particular dynamic.

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The child has her own kind of personality, you know, and again, if she is not able to overnight, play out those religious obligations, then we have to be able to kind of figure out how to dress that in a way that in a way that is skillful in a way that is tactful in a way that's compassionate, alright? That it's not necessarily that she's going to go from not doing these things to doing these things just because she has her cycle. Now of course the older she gets, we definitely want to encourage her to be doing doing it you know, I'm kind of participating in these activities of her own volition I want you to understand that that again, if that foundation is not there, I don't know

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that we can go and tell that nine year old child okay, you have to behave as if you're an adult because understand this she might have her cycle but developmentally she is still very much a child. And she actually some she's a preteen she actually has not in many cases I don't think she's actually entered into that kind of phase of development where she's seeking more autonomy from the parents she's probably not doing that at nine years of age. So I hope that helps a little bit inshallah

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Yes, handler Grammy it definitely, definitely help and this is if I take this to the next level. And the take take Alright, check that looks like the picture and sound and I don't know if it's my slider. Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you. So what I what I will the point which is really good that you just made so the night

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He rolled over 11 year old boy, let's say 12 year old boy, he is not going to be like, let's say Saturday the girl, right had no horse no cycle next Saturday, she finished her cycle. Now this week does not make her fully adult, and we expect her to do everything. Meaning that parents needs to start preparing way ahead of that. Because once she becomes more qlf in the Islamic law, she is supposed to do all these things, but she's not ready. And how do we make her or him ready? I think that's something you're going to be covering in the course for sure. Right. And that's part of the parenting because at this point, parents are the one who are responsible.

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Am I right? Yes. Haha.

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Can you hear me?

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I can't hear your Shahada. Xena.

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I think we lost her. Let's see if we can get her again.

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Yep, hopefully. Yes. No, we can hear you.

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I'm sorry, shake. It seems like my my Wi Fi is just not doing so well. Tonight. I'm sorry. I think I heard I think the last thing you said was that, regarding that young person, that's

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what I was trying to say and correct me if I'm wrong, parents needs to start getting ready. Not at nine, it's like from seven, especially for the goals. Because the goals the now the menstruation is becoming earlier. So by eight, by probably by seven gradually, starting preparing this young soul, that Salah by this time on become obligation, the other things will become obligation, because it's not going to happen overnight. She can't change from one person to the other overnight. I think that's the point you're trying to make. Yes. And also, as parents, we have to have, you know, we have, you know, there's a certain level of responsibility. So what I'm saying is that, again, the

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idea that we just kind of wait for these things to happen. And we say, Hey, you have to come and do this. No, you again, there's so much groundwork, you have to establish kind of leading up to that, I actually wanted to mention this, I'll go back to these slides. This point right here, this is the right to the child kind of a summary of the the Muslim child's kind of bill of rights that I mentioned last time, is, you know, again, as parents being really educated, you know, and, you know, again, I'm not saying we all go out and become experts in child development, or study kind of, you know, the psychology of children or, you know, kind of look at neural development, you know, if you

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know, if you can do that I encourage you to, but not all of us are going to go and do that, right. But to have some sense of these are the different kind of stages of child development and show law I'm actually going to be looking at, um, you know, as part of our class kind of what happens, you know, because there are these different stages, there's preconception, then there's the consumer conception and infancy and those, those early childhood years, and then the age of discernment, then there's the adolescence and so on. So as parents having some sense of what the stages are like, and what to look out for the needs of the child during that stage, and how to really interact with them,

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you know, and again, making sure that we're establishing the proper foundation of tetapi. Because like I said, it doesn't, you know, we really cannot expect that overnight, the child is going to necessarily be inclined to carry out those responsibilities. Now, of course, I know from a shadow a standpoint, if the girl has to recycle, or the boy has reached that age where he sees a particular kind of dream, or he's old enough or what have you, you know, there are other kind of signs of kind of development. That yes, they are answerable when it comes to to obligations like prayer and fasting. But this is where again, the compassion piece comes in. Because kids will actually ask

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questions, they will push back, they will say, Why do I have to do this? I remember having a lengthy conversation with my daughter and some of her classmates, about salah and why does God ask us to pray? What why I mean, we have it was really quite kind of,

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sort of it it kind of it became a very kind of philosophical conversation about

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the the sort of purpose behind you know, why Allah to Allah created human beings to begin with us? And

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it was really interesting. Again, these are young people. Oh, can you all see and hear me? These are young people that by and large, have gone to Islamic schools, but they're, you know, they're in middle school now and again, developmentally to understand understand where they are there. By the time they get to middle school. They are beginning to form certain ideas about themselves and their place in the world, their relationship with authority figures, and they're wanting greater and greater autonomy. And there are questions that young people are asking that perhaps young people have a different time or era or culture

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might not have asked. So that's why again, I really want to emphasize this idea you know of kind of compassion and I have some some a hadith. You know, there are numerous Hadith about this. I like this one right here the idea of facilitating things for people. And this is from saying that I sort of the Lahore unhooks at the Prophet Allah said, you know, make things easy, and do not make things difficult. I love this. I mean, it's just so martial law. I mean, like, from the standpoint of like, emotional intelligence, and understanding human psychology, it's so onpoint. Again, the idea of making things easy, and do not make things difficult, calming people down, de escalating and not

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inciting people's aversion. And this is so important for us as parents. So give me an example. Yes, this is I love this hadith. Yes, sir. Ah, sir. overshoe will make things easy, give glad tidings. But here you go, if you come to reality, and I'm speaking on the behalf of the parents listening to us, a 13 year old, who have a boy or a girl both became an adult, and it is a struggle to ask them to pray, although now it becomes an obligation. So how do I combine this beautiful prophetic way with reality?

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Absolutely shy and and shall let me know if I need to move closer to my, my, my router? Inshallah. So the question is how to introduce prayer to this to this young person. So

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okay, so one of the things that I really, I like to address is the language that we use. So for example, I've been using the language of obligation all along, right, this idea of tech leaf idea of legal responsibility. I've mentioned, religious obligations. I've mentioned, the idea that, you know, these are things that we have to do once we get to a certain age accountable under the Shediac. So I think the language is really important.

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And when I had this, when I had this conversation with a young lady about prayer, I realized something in the language of obligation that she was reacting to, and it was not a good reaction. So that's why I want you to understand that, yes, technically speaking, when you open up a book of Islamic law or jurisprudence are going to say that, you know, prayer is fuddled, fasting as fuddled for this individual under these circumstances, the condition etc. And it's legal language. And what I want parents to understand is that the language of legal texts, while it obviously serves a very valuable purpose for those jurists is not necessarily the same language that we want to

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that we're able to successfully translate for our children. And this is where I get an understanding of where they are kind of developmentally and cognitively and also understanding the culture is so important. You know, Shangela, for example, it may be to were in a certain setting, maybe maybe in a different society, different culture, maybe an earlier times that it would be it would have been sufficient to go to that young person say, Okay, now, this, the salon or the fasting has become fuddled, right? This is an obligation, this is the expectation that you are going to carry out these responsibilities, and they're okay with that. But understand that for young people that are brought

00:33:32--> 00:33:43

up in the West, and I know it might sound like okay, this is not a good thing. But this is the reality. For some of them, there might be an aversion to this idea of an obligation,

00:33:44--> 00:33:50

that this is something kind of being imposed on them. So we have to be careful here, we have to make sure that we strike a balance between

00:33:51--> 00:34:23

conveying obviously what are the expectations for that Muslim teen or that or that that young person entering into adolescence? Right, I am saying Don't, don't kind of downplay that there isn't there is kind of an expectation, there is a requirement, but to also understand that if you are always emphasizing the part of the kind of the federal do this, like this is fold, this is required. This is an obligation, this is a duty, this is something that you have to do, then the piece that we're missing out on is well, why do we pray?

00:34:24--> 00:34:38

We pray because we are attempting and are very kind of, you know, in our very kind of limited sort of human way that we are attempting to show some

00:34:39--> 00:34:59

gratitude to Allah to Allah for everything that he's given us, because that's what the young lady is really struggling with. Like, why does God need us to do this to begin with? So for me, it's more of an athlete than a filler issue. And I want to talk about this during our class. Is there a difference between kind of teaching our kids theology and to hate if

00:35:00--> 00:35:02

We from day one,

00:35:03--> 00:35:04

are

00:35:05--> 00:35:40

establishing our young people in a worldview, that's, that's rooted until hate, then it becomes a lot easier for them to handle the language of obligation. But if we have just given them everything they want from the very beginning, and they are coming up in a culture, that's all about, what do I want. And let me follow how I'm feeling at this at this moment. And I'm going to wake up and on any given day, and basically follow my Hello, my Caprice, my desire, then when you bring them that language of obligation, it becomes very difficult for them.

00:35:42--> 00:35:44

So what language then we do?

00:35:46--> 00:36:10

I, you know, again, we have to strike a balance, because I'm not, I'm not saying that we're just going to go and say, Hey, okay, pray, if you feel like it fast, if you feel like if you don't feel like it, it's fine, you can pick and choose, I'm not saying that we want to go in that, you know, kind of in that kind of extreme. But what I would suggest is that we really need to use language that is very much

00:36:11--> 00:36:13

rooted in

00:36:14--> 00:37:01

presenting, I would say, an understanding of Allah to Allah as being loving, and merciful, and forgiving. And it because I think we emphasize obligations a lot. And then we end up with young people that have no sense of what it actually means to love Allah to Allah, or His Messenger, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So I think that being able to kind of reframe that language to where we are really emphasizing, again, not not just Hey, young person, you okay, you're you better start praying right now, right? Know that this is what we as human beings do, in our limited time on earth, to express just a modicum of gratitude and love for Allah to Allah. I think that's very

00:37:01--> 00:37:13

different than, hey, you got to do this, just because hey, you're, you know, you reach a certain age. And if you don't do this, there's repercussions under the show. Yeah, that's what that's what I that's what I'm saying here. I think the language is very important.

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Very nice, very nice.

00:37:18--> 00:37:18

I think I

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don't do that. They don't. The reason they don't do it is simply because maybe it was not presented this way, meaning, and I think, even for adults, not only for the teenagers, is that there is a relationship between us as human beings and our Creator. And if we have this relationship, we have to heal. How is this relationship? And for a teenager going to say that a friend you want? How do you have a relationship with your friend only text on every day? Or this is how it is? And you have to have a relation with ship with your Creator? So I love this because there was a question exactly in that I'm going to put the question on, what's the most useful way to deal with teens? Is it Talib

00:38:09--> 00:38:16

or to him? Is making them afraid? Or make them love what they do? And that's basically what you were saying? Yes.

00:38:20--> 00:39:04

Can you hear me? Yes, absolutely. So I the last thing I heard Shay Hall was the idea that, that the teen loves i. In other words, and this is where the idea again, of understanding where they are developmentally. You know, and this is back to the Hadith of the idea of that tiene Nasha VI that is a law that this is something that they see as being valuable and important, ie they look forward to this is something they love doing that this is something that ideally, this is what we pray as parents, that that young person, even we're not standing over them, telling them what to do, that they are going to decide, you know, for that for himself or herself, that this is what they want to

00:39:04--> 00:39:23

do, because it's the right thing to do because they love Allah subhana Tada. And that's why I said, I think really focusing on what Tawheed means from a very early age is so important. You know, there's one other thing that I wanted to share, share. Again, I have a number of a hadith here about mercy and compassion.

00:39:24--> 00:39:25

But,

00:39:26--> 00:39:34

you know, I wanted to mention, you know, this, this particular area in so that this is chapter 40. So, let me see here.

00:39:36--> 00:39:44

It looks like we're kind of slowing down a little bit. Is this sort of the half that I believe is the author of chapter 40? Bismillah.

00:39:45--> 00:39:59

This one is sort of Oman. Yeah. Buddha. Yeah. For me, salata. What motivated you 100 Mancha. That's Look, man. Yes. Yeah. So yeah, I wanted there are two areas that I have, right? Yes, I have this area right here from chapter 31.

00:40:00--> 00:40:35

And then you know I have this area here for chapter 14 Again, I want to the reason why I want to emphasize this this idea of you have the textual sources and and what did the what does the Quran say about this Quran actually is as the acknowledging these different stages of development of the you know, of the of the human being. So let's let's take a look at this and shall you see the translation in front of you? I don't have the Arabic but inshallah you know obviously you can look it up and I'm trying to try for you right now. But in this particular area,

00:40:37--> 00:40:42

Allah Subhana Allah is saying it is he who was like manner he was He who created you have dust

00:40:43--> 00:41:00

right so Allah again hola the Halacha coming to Rob So momentum and Knotfest Illumina Allah kasama your closure compiler flash family Tableau who assured DICOM this is really interesting. So here Allah tab is a numerating. All these stages it's just so fascinating. So Allah reminding us number one of our very,

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you know, very humble origins that all of us are Cree, you know, how can we have any arrogance, right, all of us are created from total up from dust. And then Allah to Allah then takes us from that stage of existence to what it to the Lucifer notify, which is just the seed. It's the very beginning.

00:41:21--> 00:41:53

The seed, the very kind of earliest stage of the human being from that tiny, microscopic Nautica to the Aloka, right to that zygote, that clings and then Allah to Allah, then brings us out as Duflot, right as a young young child, somebody Tableau, Tableau assured DICOM. And thereafter, you're going to reach kind of like the peak of your strength and your understanding and your ability for money to cool Lucia in this beautiful simulate Lita, Kunal Shu Ha, and then after,

00:41:54--> 00:42:34

right, some of you, right might attain old age when Komainu to alpha and then Allah is saying that but some of you are taken before that man oven. Well, the tableau who Allah Muslim law, and then so that you might reach an appointed time, again, with the tableau, Azure lamb or some Allah, Allah contact, we don't I really love this area, because there's so much we can learn from this one area, again, the idea that all of us have a predetermined span of existence, Allah to Allah as acknowledging that some will, again, you know, kind of reached that vitality of youth, some will go through old age, some will die early, some will die later on. But for us to understand and emphasize

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to our children here, again, as they are forming their ideas about how to be in this world, that we only have a finite time in which to act, to worship Allah, in which to kind of effect any kind of positive change for ourselves or for those around us. And that's why I would say we need to be careful, the western model, which is sometimes a western model is very different from the Islamic one, in the sense that we find ourselves in a culture where sometimes people don't want to grow up, right, we see that a lot people that are fully grown individuals, and they've never really been able to grow up. So I want you to understand, there is a lot of wisdom and looking at this platonic

00:43:20--> 00:43:23

model. In fact, there's a wonderful book called The what is it called?

00:43:24--> 00:43:28

The lives of men. And it's by Chef Abdullah,

00:43:29--> 00:43:30

the chef,

00:43:31--> 00:44:13

I believe in my head that I think is his name, I have to double check. It's in my office. But there's a book by a Yemeni scholar, I think of the early modern period, I think he was like 17th 18th century. And he looks at the is in the Quran and the Hadith. And he talks about stages of human development, from prehistory, from before conception, to the stages in the womb, to when the child is born. And you know, what he looks at? Is this idea of how long are we actually Cheb? Or Shabbat? Right? How long is that person actually a youth, it's really fascinating. And he's actually going to argue that per the Islamic tradition, that you have up until 40, to actually claim that

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status of being a youth. But then after that, that's when you are a mature individual. Of course, he gives the example of profit on a sub son when his revelation come down, that number 40, being very, very significant. So of course, of course, of course, he's not arguing that, you know, all of us can be kids until we're 40. Not at all. But this is a recognition by an early an early and earlier scholar, that there are stages of development, intellectually, cognitively, spiritually, so to emphasize to our teens, right, and this is where the conversation has become a bit serious now, right? We don't know how much time that we have. And the reason why Islam treats that stage of

00:44:53--> 00:44:59

adolescence with so much seriousness is because the purpose really behind you know

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The idea is to do what is to cultivate the human being to live up to his or her fullest potential. And we can't do that, obviously, if we ignore that stage of adolescence, right? So understand we to treat it with a certain amount of balance here, right? They're not that adolescent is not like the young child or the TOEFL are the tough love, but they're also not quite that mature adult, and how do we really kind of cultivate and bring the best during honestly years are difficult? Isn't it difficult as teens, they'll tell you, it's not easy being that age. They go through a lot and that's where the compassion piece is so important. I know we'd begin to wrap up I want to my message dear

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Shayla, you know, for myself and our esteemed audience here is look at sort of look men. So with sort of look man, I love the link. Because say No Look, man, and some say he might have been a prophet since he was a wise man. But you know, sitting there Look, man, you know, Alayhis Salam that he is he I love the way that he speaks to his son. And again, if you look at the Quran, and there are so many positive models of parenting, whether it's Sadan yopu valleys llama to look at more for our class whether it's in a look man look I speak system yeah buena Aqua masala to what would be my with one hand and one car was spirulina or phobic in that element asthma more. It's so beautiful how

00:46:28--> 00:47:12

he speaks to his son. And by the way, right? What does he What does it what does he commanding his son to do? establish prayer, do what is right for bid what is wrong, and be patient over what befalls you. Indeed, all that is of an assessment or more that that is that is of the matters requiring determination. I mean that that's one translation. But if you think about it, in the delicate, delicate manner, as much or more, what center McMahon is doing it in a very intentional way in a very purposeful way. He is teaching what he needs to get through life. And that's what we have to do as parents, and to be able to establish the foundation for that because like I said, if

00:47:12--> 00:47:36

we wait till they're 15 1617, and now we want to talk to them about this, I think that in some cases might be too late. Of course, there's always hope. But I'm just encouraging us to think about this, what does it mean, to be monogamous or more from them when they're very small. What I will add, if you allow me, because this is beautiful, and Subhanallah, we have been talking for 40 minutes, I just feel like you just tell

00:47:38--> 00:47:40

if the parents themselves,

00:47:41--> 00:47:42

don't practice that,

00:47:43--> 00:48:18

that then it's going to be very difficult to give it to the children. Meaning if I am as a mother or father, or both. Don't look at life. Like what you just explained this or the offer 3d term and time, I am here for a certain amount of time, I am not here only to make my career and work hard and make money. Rather, there is more than that I can tell this to my child. So this is the most important thing, we say this in Arabic, and you know this very well, not to the shade layer, okay, the person who doesn't have something can give it to the others. So I cannot

00:48:19--> 00:48:59

deliver the right message to my child, especially in this very difficult age. And by the way, and he said it beautifully. That age is very difficult, because also of all the changes that's happening in the body with all the hormonal changes, the physical changes. Now they grew up very quickly, they look different. And that's all a lot of changes on this one soul. So me as a parent, I need to understand that side. And I should have already practiced all this and I went through this so I have to be much more compassionate. And then I have to look at live very different. And I think this is where the problem comes in. Because parents are very busy, whether other children or their career

00:48:59--> 00:49:44

wherever. And then when it comes to this, we expect them to do what's right. It doesn't work this way. It needs this IO flockmen actually needs to go to the parents and to the adults first before the cauldron also, but I agree with you. Yeah. Bruny it's one of the and all this commerce talks about wholesale milkman spoke to his son, and it's in the Natya bonus my child is the lovely young good child close to me. It's so hard to translate this in English, the car Boonie and the same thing when Satan Ibrahim talked to his father, yeah, Betty, my dear, beautiful father. So may Allah Subhana Allah make it easy. It is not easy whatsoever. It's very challenging, is getting more

00:49:44--> 00:49:59

challenging to all of us actually living in this with all these changes. But Allah subhanaw taala knows what we are going through. And he subhanaw taala the only one who can make it easy. What we still have some time. Yeah, sure. But seven minutes, what do you want to share with us?

00:50:00--> 00:50:01

got about seven minutes in short

00:50:03--> 00:50:42

handed I, I completely agree with what you're saying. The parents and this is, you know, again, this is this idea of of critical and the idea that all of you are working under it that all of you are responsible for their flock. I mean, that's where, you know, again, that much of this work that we're doing is really on ourselves as parents, because you're absolutely right. We can't give something that we don't give us something that we don't have. And that question of prayer, Shayla, you know, if the kid if we have to drag them kicking and screaming, you know, to the prayer mat, I would say that it means that maybe something we weren't quite able to impart and teach them the

00:50:42--> 00:51:12

prayer maybe something about the way we pray, perhaps we were able to kind of demonstrate that love and that and that's the thing, you know, if they see that we are reluctant, or always late or always missing the prayer, or Oh, it's just another thing on my to do list. So a lot you know, there is so much that they are going to take from us and not just directly from our example Shayla, but indirectly, they can take you know, because we can tell them all day long. Prayer is good. And prayer is wonderful and prayer is fuddled. And but

00:51:14--> 00:51:16

but if our

00:51:20--> 00:51:21

we're losing yuusha.

00:51:25--> 00:52:01

Shama Are we still there? That's why the prayer, the prayer, and Jenna and congregation is so important, making sure that we established that from an early age because honestly, if the kids don't see that, it's hard to get them to, you know, it's hard to inculcate to them that, you know, inculcate that kind of love of congregational prayer. And then they're just going to see the prayer is kind of like a sort of a kind of a, an solitary exercise. So that's, that's what I would say back to the question of, you know, what do we do if we have a team that just doesn't, doesn't want to pray? Again, it's a lot of about what we're doing.

00:52:02--> 00:52:13

When they're really little. I didn't want to leave everybody with this thought Shayla, that this is from the National Institute of Mental Health, by the way, because they don't understand their answers only one position here. It is not me.

00:52:15--> 00:52:51

Whatever information I am share with you, I'm trying to get information from experts to the National Institute of Mental Health, and I'll share this with our class later on. There are seven things we need to know about the teen brain. So one is that the brain reaches its biggest size and early adolescence, the brain continues to mature after it is done growing, the teen brain is ready to learn and adapt. So don't ever give up on your teen no matter how I don't know recalcitrant, there being many mental disorders, by the way, and I'm going to share more data, the family Youth Institute martial law as in a lot of work around mental health and youth, and I want to share some

00:52:51--> 00:53:29

of that many mental disorders may begin to appear during adolescence. And honestly thinking about my own adolescence, I can look back and think about things where I say now well, subhanAllah, I kind of kind of I could kind of see where maybe I was struggling, and just kind of being aware of that having support right? Team brains may be more vulnerable to stress, and I don't I can't overstate, especially during COVID SubhanAllah. teensy more sleep than than children and adults. And the teen brain is resilient. Alright. Yeah. So that's seven things is the National Institute of Mental Health. Several things know about the teenage brain. All right. Yeah, this is this is really, this

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is really interesting, SubhanAllah. Because the more we know, as a human being, the more we see things are different. And especially in this day and age that they have, just do it. And just because it's gone. Now we have to make them understand, we have to understand. And the more we understand what I love these seven points, and I'm sure you're going to talk about it more in the course. But the more we understand about what is happening with the person in front of me, my way will change, I will be more compassionate, I may change my tactics. And one thing that we all have to remember that the end result is an Allah has and what he and he is not going to ask me about the

00:54:11--> 00:54:51

end result, or ask us about the end result. Because the end result, it's in his hand, he is going to ask me about what effort I did. What did I do as a parent, as an adult, to learn myself, to practice myself and to impart this on my children? And then the results, you may have done everything, and then the child still did not do it. And the best example of Satan, and I mean, he's an OB and his son did not believe. But the whole idea is that yes, absolutely. And I think there was a question from one of the audience members about what if you do lead by example, and they still don't follow that example, again, as Shayla said that the outcome is always with Allah to Allah. I do have some

00:54:51--> 00:55:00

thoughts surrounding Yes, would you if you have a young person that's dependent upon your on your support and largest and they're still not cooperating? I think they're

00:55:00--> 00:55:06

are things that you can do. And I'd like to look into that a little bit further for our parenting class. But what I will say is that,

00:55:07--> 00:55:39

you know, one of the things I really appreciate is that my, my, my parents made it very clear, well, they had different styles. But my mother was quite strict. You know, may Allah preserve her and one of the things I really appreciate looking back that she did, you know, kind of it was almost this idea that there's a contract and a sense that so long on this idea of kind of making that young person understand there's a moral kind of obligation, even if you think you don't have any legal obligations, even if you think that you should just sit back and not pray or not fast, that there is a moral obligation.

00:55:40--> 00:56:21

And that moral obligation means that so long as you young person, are comfortably ensconced in the home of your, your parents, you know, and dependent upon your parents, you know, you know, for your, your livelihood, and your assessments and what have you that, you know, when it comes to carrying out certain things, even if you don't get why you should do this, then you really should be doing what your parents are asking, so long as it does not go against what Allah to Allah has, has, has commanded. But at the same time, understand, where you have some young people that are very cooperative, you're going to have other young people who are not, they're going to push back,

00:56:21--> 00:57:08

they're going to be defiant. And that's where the, again, the idea of counseling comes in. Mentors, youth directors, you know, you know, it's it, definitely, obviously, supportive family members, it can't be to where ideally, where the obligation is solely on the shoulders of that parent, to ensure that that young person, you know, is is doing what they should be doing and understand, they will stop doing things. They might, God forbid, they might stray off of that path for a time, but I've seen examples where they have come back, but sometimes it takes a while. And usually, the best way to address it is with patience and prayer. As opposed to you know, at the point of, I'm going to

00:57:08--> 00:57:51

discipline you because that discipline might work when they're young, but once they get older, we have to have a different model of parenting. May Allah spawn that exactly location because this was beautiful, very quickly. Subhan Allah, it's in our already May Allah subhanaw taala protect our children, our youth and our adults may last pantalla shower us with the with his mama with his pay teacher's off patients. It's not easy, it's easy to say, much harder to do. The teachers patients, help us to be patients help us to see what they are seeing. And may Allah pantalla protect at all. Exactly. Lajitas Xena, we I personally ask and invite all of you to join us this is looks like it's

00:57:51--> 00:58:09

going to be a beautiful puts a four weeks course it's one hour a week, but it has a lot of information and humbler is that Kamala Harris Sheikh Hasina Subhanak alone will be Ambika shadow Allah Allah, Allah and a subgroup cover to Bullock so long as a while early he was habitus human Kathira

00:58:11--> 00:58:16

Docomo Hara me mocking him thank you shall be enjoyed our