The Post Divorce Period
Channel: Habib Bobat
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honorable orlimar respected elders, brothers and sisters in Islam.
Today in my talk, I'd like to address the process of talaaq the process of divorce as far as Sharia is concerned, how do we go about analysing the marriage. The second thing which I wish to discuss today is the post divorce period.
And the third thing which I wish to discuss is the impact of divorce on children at large.
As far as the process of life is concerned,
let me start off by saying
that every marriage will go through some difficulty along the way.
There is no home in the world which will not suffer some setbacks.
The greatest of people Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam also went through the same phase in his life.
And as believers we need to draw from his life, how did he conduct himself when things were tough in his home.
So I want to start off by saying
that every marriage will go through the ups and downs of life. Sometimes things will be rosy.
But then you'll get the time when things will not be so rosy. So if there's problems in the home, if there's problems in the marriage, the first thing the Sharia requires you to do is to try to sort it out amongst yourself.
Husband and wife sits down, it tried to iron out the issues, they tried to speak to each other about how they feeling.
that process is over, and they receive no good results, things are still not working out. The sherea says February who had come in early he well How come a min early Have you read the extra high level but you know Huma, the Quran says appoint somebody to mediate on your behalf from the boys side and appoint somebody to mediate on her behalf from the girls side. So choose for somebody who's senior in the family, who's got wisdom, who understands the nitty gritty of life, who are able to play a supportive role. So choose for a sensible person in the house. It doesn't have to be the parents, it could be the uncle, it could be the aunt, it could be somebody senior, your grandfather, choose a
senior member in the family and let the two families meet together and try and iron out issues. You know, a fresh pair of eyes might be able to provide a different perspective than what we are looking at.
Sometimes we too thick into the things that we don't see the other perspectives around us. And when people from outside come in, they are able to show us that perspective.
And awareness is an amazing thing. You reader is law you have 50 level but you know Huma, if these two parties are genuine about reconciliation, Allah says I will give them love and muhabba.
The question is, are we sincere in our efforts in terms of reconciliation, iriga Islam, your flippin level, but you know Huma, if there are serious, if they are genuine about reconciling, Allah says, I will give them mohabbat I will give them love once again in that union.
If this process also fails, it bears no fruits. Then the third process the Sharia says
then you go for counseling.
So you tried to sort out the issues amongst yourself that did not work. You got your family members involved, that did not work.
The third aspect is you go for counseling, professional counseling, where the counselor is trying to help you and remember brothers and sisters in
seeking assistance is not a sign of weakness.
Women are generally open to outside intervention. But men feel it's an indictment. They feel that no, it's a smack in the face. It means that I'm not able to handle my relationship and so I'm asking for help from outside. Well, that's not the case.
Marriage is like a motor vehicle. Sometimes you need a panel beater to knock out those dents.
Sometimes you require the mechanic to help you at the surface of the car. Sometimes you need the electrical engineer to help you with the electrical problems in your car.
When there's a problem in the car, you don't become a mechanic overnight.
And you don't see it as a sign of weakness. If you are going to the mechanic, you definitely don't see it as a sign of weakness. If you take your car to the panel beater, you tell yourself I'm not qualified. I'll make a bigger mess out of it. Let me take it to somebody who's an expert in the field. And you ask the panel Rita to knock out the tent, you ask the mechanic to give you a good service. Sometimes you require a major service. But the point is we don't throw the car away. We don't throw the motor vehicle away. We work with it. We try and work with our issues.
So the third step is to go for counseling. And so many marriages end up on the rocks because people are not willing to take outside intervention
and lead on the set of regret in life. So it's important that we go for all these options that are available to us before we call it quits
and look at the balance life that Sharia promotes.
If after counseling things still don't come right.
And the marriage is not a peaceful area for you. There is more hostility in the house than peace and love. Then the Quran says what
the Quran says when I don't see Poon, the Aurora Lita.
If you are not fulfilling each other's rights in the marriage,
and there's more hostility in the house than love. Then the Quran says you should, you should opt for divorce also.
But divorce is the last option, not the first option. Remember that and we shouldn't call it quits. We take the necessary step. If the penalty meter says you know what this guy is beyond repairs, and we take his advice.
If the mechanic says that you know this car, I can't repair, then we take in his advice.
But we don't call that shot.
We follow the procedure. So we leave it in expert in expert people's hands. And we asked them to make a judgement. If they feel that nothing is materialized in here. Then Yes, the Quran also says then you must rather part in harmony.
Which brings me to the second part of my talk.
And that is the Quran says there's only two options in marriage.
For MC una Bhima roofing Oh, sorry, whoa nappy mouth. Either you live with kindness with each other. And if that's not possible, then you let go with dignity, Allahu
You either live with each other in peace and harmony with kindness and dignity. If that's not possible, then the Quran says, you let go also with kindness and dignity Allah. What does it mean?
What does it mean to let go with dignity?
It means you let your spouse and your partner leave the marital home with their eyes and their dignity intact.
Just as you brought your wife into the house with procedures, you ask the guide in for permission. You paid the dowry, you brought so much of respect and dignity into your house. A law says in a similar manner. If things don't work out, we don't want to we don't want to force you to stay together. But let this lady code
what is the Quran say? We're really Mouton Nakajima townville maruf happen allen key and we order the husbands and the leaders of the household, that when that woman is leaving your house, give her that dignity. Give her the respect she deserves.
And the Quran goes on to say
look after her maintenance and above what is necessary on you give her something surplus, give us something extra, give a piece of clothing, give her material possessions, but let her go with respect.
And part of growing up and part of letting go with respect is
not to take jabs at each other on social media.
You see when homes break, the first place we go to is Facebook. And we go on to Twitter. And we go on to Instagram. And we go on to WhatsApp and we air our dirty laundry. I say tell you what kind of man he is. masa tell you what kind of woman he is for and says let go with kindness. If you can't stay together in harmony,
it is important to educate ourselves. We don't have to get ugly. talaq does not have to be acrimonious. The law can be done with peace and serenity. to families should sit down and agree that things have not worked out. But we're not going to do mudslinging. We're not going to sink each other's reputation. She is a woman at the end of the day, and you are a husband also, who could not get it right or she could not get it right. The past is the past. As we move on with dignity and respect, that's the first thing.
The second thing that I need to emphasize your brothers and sisters in Islam
is that when we divorce in remember
the marital relationship ends,
but your partnership does not end.
Listen to this carefully. When there's children involved.
That partnership between you and your ex will remain for life.
Because this custody,
you're going to be paying for the maintenance of the children, you're going to be picking them up, dropping them off, spending holidays, this side and that side. So don't make it difficult for the children. Remember, you still have to work as a team because you will remain the father for the rest of your life. And you will remain the mother of the child for the rest of your life. And this is what I need to emphasize. Let's try and make it easy for the children that's involved.
I cry when I see children in the madrasah and in the schools
must see the effects of trauma on children.
Parents are so selfish
that they can't see a Muslim child of four or five years old.
How it's deteriorating. It's impacting it's impacting the children psychologically.
It's changing their behavior at school. They are aggressive.
Look at the consequences of Telarc on children.
We get so caught up in our egos
that we forget about the mushroom and the innocent children involved.
If we are divorcing,
then do it the right way to not destroy the lives of those innocent children. They Sue young. They don't deserve it.
Look at the consequences of the law. They say psychologists tell us
their children under nine.
They feel that they are responsible for the divorce.
They even say Teddy, I won't trouble you anymore.
I won't make you any more mum. I won't ask you for any spending. I won't ask you for any toys. Because they feel they are responsible.
And they try to push the parents to stay together. Psychologists tell us they live in wishful thinking. They always have it in the back of the mind. One day they'll get back together.
One day they'll get back together.
So that's the consequences of telecon small children.
Look at the behavior pattern at school and madrasa they suffer as far as the academics are concerned.
They become aggressive.
Do you expect a five year old or seven year old child to come to terms with reality of life, this was more
and the consequences of the lack of children of nine and above.
They become rebellious. They become independent. They feel they feel betrayed. They feel that our parents are
selfish, they are throwing the marriage away because of us.
And so they grow up with a lot of anger, a lot of anger.
And the greatest fear of brothers and sisters in Islam is when they get married themselves. They have this strong overarching fear. The What if my marriage also ends up like my father and my mother?
What if I also ended up end up divorce? And they live in constant fear?
This was scared even when they taking the first step into marriage. So what I'm saying to the brothers, if we are divorcing, let's keep the children at the end. They are innocent, we supposed to make it easier for them. Not difficult for them. Things did not work out between us that's fine. We move in on you getting married, I'll get married. That's fine. But look, consider the kids. They have to move from one home to another home. And people are so selfish. Sometimes it's the third third term of the school, the school is almost going to end they're going into the final exams, and the parents decide to call it quits.
Now you have to change schools.
If you're not changing school is the challenge to study for exams. How is the child going to cope?
So we must talaq should be a thought out process. It should never be it should never be done in anger,
too, it was a calm mind thing over 800 times and then take the step.
So before I go on to the third part of my talk, and that is the the kids I forgot to mention this in the start. Today sherea says that if things do not work out, then you only divorce once.
Only one bullet is sufficient and required to end the marriage.
Whether you are Shaftsbury, whether you are hanafy whether you are Maliki, whether you are humbly in respect of one talaq ish is sufficient to end the marriage. Once the interest expires, she is free to marry whoever she wants, and you are free to marry whoever you want. The reason why the sherea pushes for one talaq only
is that if you have regret after six months, after two years, after five years, you still have the option of making a new nicca.
And many people have come to their senses. After eight months, they say you know a banana I realize I'm more miserable out of marriage than in marriage. We had issues but I was happier. Can I get married again, of course you can get married again.
So up for one divorce only. And do it through the chef of the community. Do it through a learned person. So you don't have regrets afterwards. It doesn't have to get ugly it doesn't have to end ugly.
Coming to the aspect of children, brothers and sisters in Islam.
I want to emphasize here
that once the relationship ends, we must take our children for counseling.
Look, for us, we ended methods differently but children handled methods totally different. As I mentioned to you, the counselors will work with the children and make them realize what's happening. Why mommy and daddy are no longer staying together. Why they can't get along. So the counselors will help the child come to terms with what's happening in the home.
number one. Number two, I urge every person certainly including myself, don't make it more difficult for the children. A child requires a healthy environment to grow up in. A child requires love. A child requires affection. A child requires positive environment and positive energy to grow up in. Let's make it easier for them.
Let us not use our innocent children as a means of manipulating our partners.
Allow me to reiterate that let us not use our children as a tool of manipulation. I'll show him I'll never give the children
I'll show him I won't let the children go for holidays this time.
And if he calls I'll tell him his day sleeping.
I will never give them access to my children.
You proving a point to him but who's suffering?
who's suffering? It's the children.
For you. It's me and it's for fourth
For you, it's my side and his side, but for the children is both a beloved to them. The mother is equally beloved as the Father, to make them choose, have the maturity, have the maturity, to allow yourself that the children mix with each other, taking the side nicely and they're going to settle so nicely.
We poisoning the minds of our children, you know your father, let me tell you what he did you know your mother, what kind of woman she is? shave? Why are we turning our children against each other? It's not fair. It's not failed they have on their behalf.
Let us move beyond the pain beyond the hurt. I know it's not easy. But think of your innocent children. Don't think about yourself. Let not the egos get in the way with the innocent children are suffering. They already went through so much. They saw so much of fighting in the house. They saw so much of mudslinging. They now need the time to come to terms with what's happening, and move on with life.
Let's not get nasty with each other, allow each other access to the children. And it brings me to the next point that as a community and as a society, we have a very important role to play. Now hi Rafi Cassidy Midna, Java home 11am Arabi sada cotton Omar Rufino Islam vainness Allah says do you want to know acts of goodness,
the greatest act of goodness is to try to unite people.
And parents are the first people in this regard. After the divorce has taken place, yes, this bitter feelings. But the parents must be mature enough to say my daughter is the he is the father of your child at the end of the day. Let's see how we can make this work.
You can get married I don't mind. But let's not make this more ugly. Let's try and work together. I promise you if the seniors of the family can play an active role, there'll be less hatred amongst the parties. The parents, the mother and the father need to play a supporting role as things got ugly between the two and you can't come to terms with it. But I'm saying to you keep the innocent children because they are the only ones that suffer the most when the divorce is taking place. More than the husband and more than the wife also. So let the families come together. Let the communities come together and try and bring muhabba and love even though they are not husband and wife. It is
our responsibility to do so. It is compulsory for us to do to do so as seniors of the community that are strong and unite people. Our job is to create habit in people's homes. Our job is not to dis unite people. Our job is not to say To hell with her. To hell with him. Our job is to look beyond the pain and the hurt and bring people closer to each other. So look and think about children. And I promise you brothers and sisters in Islam. If you keep your egos aside, and if you keep the children in mind, they will prosper in life. They will grow up in a healthy environment, they will find love, they will find the answers to life, they will come to terms with it. But if we continuously become
in petty over these issues, and fighting with each other and being at loggerheads with one another, we're only going to make it difficult for our children and no one else. So let's forgive for the sake of a law. And let's try and bring muhabba in the home and try and unite for the sake of our children. For the sake of our children, it's not easy for them, put yourself in their shoes,
and then see how life is from the angle. And you'll definitely think about it and you'll give it another thought before you do anything in life. The last thing I want to end up with brothers and sisters in Islam.
Well either caloptima Nisa, Bella Jelena faletau, Luna Indian, Indian kitchen as well as Johann Neda, Dorado been humble maruf
Allah says, If after giving one divorce, they move their own way.
Let's say 510 20 months down the line two years down the line.
The EX the husband and the wife want to get back together. They want to reunite.
Then the Quran says don't stop them.
Don't stop them.
This verse was revealed when Mark vinyasa do Lodi line who does the narration of Buhari
He took his sister and he waited off to another Sahabi. Things did not work out and he divorced her.
After some time, there was some remorse and regret. So he came back to the home and he said, I'd like to marry my ex again. And he said, What?
I keep you my sister, and you divorced. Am I crazy to give back to you again.
The Quran was revealed
that if they are made willing to make the home again, if they are willing to make things work again, then you as the community, you as the family, you as the brother, you as the guardian of the daughter, you cannot stop this union to take place.
Because she's the mother of the child, the children will get their home back,
put our egos aside, and Sahaba was a harbor when they heard this verse. Mark Albania sir when himself he took his sister and he said, I give a back to you, Monica and Anika was performed. So brothers, if there's any hope of reconciliation, even after a lengthy period, if there's hope, and there's an in there's genuine effort from both sides, let them reunite again, for this is the right thing to do. According to the Quran and Sunnah. Allah says, that if you are to be human can mean camino belay well your meal after this, we are giving you advice as the creator of the universe, that this is the right thing to do. Then it comes as a thorough, Allah says, This is the purest of
options to choose from, what not
to let on the moon. Allah knows but you don't know. Allah knows but you don't know a whopper. In a nutshell brothers and sisters in Islam. Today I discussed the procedure of talak. Then secondly, I discussed the post the lock period what should be done and what should not be done. And thirdly, I discussed the importance of putting our egos aside and looking at the well being of our children. May Allah subhanaw taala give us all the blessings and the reward that's required to survive in this world or Marlene