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Challenges Of A New Marriage
Channel: Habib Bobat
File Size: 15.71MB
Episode Transcript ©
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Alhamdulillah he number two who and you know who and so on are all below him in Shuri and fusina
Marina Maja de hielo Farah Medina oma you follow her Deanna wanna shadow ilaha illallah wa una sharika wanna shadow under more hammer than I do who are solo? I'm about to Yakumo terracotta Allah for an image Eagle for cornella, Hamid are all the wilhemina shaytani r rajim, Bismillahi Rahmani Raheem, amin Aya T and holla pada comin and fusi come as Virgen de tous kulu la ha, which are either beno Kumar de Tawana in the feed Erica comida karoon.
So the law the
honorable Allah respected elders and brothers, I think it's paramount to address the challenges facing newlywed couples.
And it's important to discuss here that what can they expect in the first few years of their marriage.
And in my talk today, I want to highlight a number of issues that inshallah would help the newly married couples and they would be able to settle into their marriage.
The first thing that I want to address today is there's a great need for education.
There is this notion that put two people together, they'll figure it out, life will teach them they will live happily ever after.
There is this notion, but the reality is that as they get together, as the the magic disappears, and as the honeymoon phase comes to an end, they are left startled. What's happened?
How do we understand this relationship? How do we make it work? Where are we going wrong? What am I supposed to do? what is required of me? And these questions are glaring in their faces.
And so you understand the need for education.
Education will make them understand what they are experiencing in their marriage.
Education will reduce the number of divorces in our community.
Education will give you a better grip over your marriage in your relationship.
And we acquire education in every field of life. When a person takes on a new job,
he is given the know how of the new work, how to operate in the new environment, what to do what not to do. He is fully explained of what's expected of him as an employee in the company.
He knows his role he knows his function in the company. He knows where he fits in, and he works diligently and he works his way up.
A doctor cannot open his own practice. Without proper experience.
An engineer cannot open his own company after he studied until he doesn't go formal training.
So we understand the need of education in every field of life. Marriage is no different.
Marriage is no different between a qualified doctor or an expert alimony how faith does not make you a successful husband.
It doesn't come by default. There is a need for education. And as parents we need to upskill our children as far as marriage is concerned. Alhamdulillah through the father in the grace of Allah, we prepare from the wedding dress, the wedding gown, to the hall to the teaspoon Alhamdulillah. That's good. That's as far as the wedding is concerned. But we also need to prepare our children as far as the marriage is concerned. My daughter you are getting married to you know what to expect. My son you are going to become a husband. Do you know what responsibility lies on your shoulder. And so there's a great need for education as far as marriage is concerned and was proper education, they
will be able to handle the marriage better, and things will make more sense to him.
I understood this understood that my expectations are no longer so high because I've been through formal training.
When a person is traveling, let's say for example, to Durban
as a friend, as a concern colleague will tell him listen, take this route.
And when you come to this toll gate, watch out there's a camera there
and as you are traveling here's a good pitstop you can make salaria you can get halachos everything Alhamdulillah sorted out this ablution facilities, everything. You must stop here, you must watch out there. Just watch out there.
This is very risky. Now as you start in your journey, you are planning yourself, you're already planning where you're going to stop. You know what to expect as you are going, the highs and the lows, the speed traps, the traffic, you are keeping all that in mind, because somebody has briefed you. So when you start your journey, you're at ease, because you've got some understanding. Marriage is no different.
We need to seek our children down. We need to tell them what to expect in the first few years of marriage. And if they are given the proper education in the proper upbringing, I promise you, marriage will really be marriage and what Allah says in the Quran letus kulu la ha, that we have given you this union of Nika, so that you may derive comfort from one another?
How do you expect the person who's an amateur who does not know anything about driving? You put him in a driving seat and you tell him drive? How do you expect the person to operate the vehicle when he's got no knowledge. And that's what we are doing with our children today, we put them in the hot seat, we throw him in the deep end, and you say in your survive, with no education, with not with no support structures. And so people are struggling. And you see the statistics are so high. So many people are divorcing in the first few years of their marriage Alhamdulillah there are programs devised by the Islamic organizations. As far as premarital counseling is concerned. In this program,
they see the future spouses together, and they explain to them that what you're going to go through in your different phases of your marriage.
Make use of that. The second thing that the newlywed couple needs to understand
is that the first two years of their marriage is called the adjustment period.
You've been living 2025 26 years of your life on your own, you are fairly independent, you are not reporting to anyone, you are going out at any time, you are socializing mixin and having a good time.
But now things have changed. It's no longer yourself in the marriage,
you need to now adjust to somebody else.
A person cannot be selfish, my needs, my friends, my job, my function, my events,
my desires, know that I needs to change into re, I need to now adjust to somebody else. I need to adjust to the temperament, I need to adjust to what makes them happy. What makes them said what makes them angry, I need to understand my partner and accordingly I need to adjust. The Prophet of Allah had 11 wives,
he was able to adjust to each of his partner according to their temperament.
We expect our partners to adjust to our temperament. So if I like this, then this is what's going to happen finish. There's no second opinion treat.
So the first two years is called the adjustment period. And it's not easy.
Especially when the magic starts to dwindle after the honeymoon period. Now you get to see the true colors of your partner. And they call they call it the buyer's remorse. You know, when you buy a vehicle for the first time you in doubt, make the right choice. Is it the right vehicle? What if I have mechanical problems? But as you start using it, as you get used to the car, you say no, this is the car, the right one. Likewise, in marriage, in your first two years, you're going to go through this phase where you're going to question yourself, have I made the right decision you live in ask your partner? Do you think we did the right thing in marrying each other 99% of people feel that
they married the wrong person.
It's natural. But as you get into your relationship, you find that things tend to settle and you get a grip over things.
The first two years is also the most difficult period of your marriage.
If you are able to pass the first two or three years of your marriage, then you are well settled and you are on your way to a good union inshallah. So expect some bumpy rides. It's a roller coaster, because all along you have been independent. Now suddenly you have to adjust for somebody else. Their temperament, their way of doing things.
A bigger family, a new structure, a new environment. So it's not easy to adapt overnight. Allow your partner that room to experiment and to figure out what works for them and what doesn't work for them.
Allow the period of adjustment to
Go through. And as you get to know each other, you see that I mustn't do this because it makes my partner angry. If I know that this, this will actually aggravate my partner, then I must stay away from it. We must also learn to be flexible.
We can't be rigid at all alone. This is how I did it in my father's house. This is how I've been brought up finish, you are looking at somebody else, they are coming with a different understanding to life and you are coming with with a different understanding to life, there is going to be a clash. So there needs to be some compromise, and try to figure out the third option.
Take some from this side, some from this side, and work out the third formula.
Part of the adjustment period brothers and sisters in Islam is that you will go through ups and downs in your marriages. Some days, you'll be so happy elated over the moon. And some days we'll be down in outfitting rock bottom. But it's natural, expect it, it's part of the phase, you will get through it. It's not the end of the world.
the third aspect I want to discuss today for newlywed couples, his finances.
There's a lot of friction when it comes to finances.
And I must start off by saying
that when you get married, don't expect your dream home to come and materialize in one day. It's not going to happen. And many people are starting off their marital life on the backfoot. They already are in debt. You supposed to be spending this time in getting to know each other. But now you are more stressed out where am I going to pay this bill? Where am I going to pay for that furniture? How am I going to pay for this. So what you need to understand is newly married couples is that that dream home will eventually come. Our parents never set up a luxurious home in one day, it took time. They stayed in a small place. They worked with whatever they had. And slowly slowly they built
themselves up. But the couples today want to have the quick fix, they want the instant gratification. And when I enter my house, the ensuite must be like this. I must have a granite table, etc, etc, etc, etc. I must have it to the tee.
And so they incur unnecessary deaths. And they are already on the backfoot. And because of that they are now there's friction in the house now.
You're spending too much excuse me, you know, and the fight starts.
So you need to be realistic. If you've got 20 things that you want to buy on your list. First ask yourself from between the things, how many things are utmost of importance, how many things I require immediately. It's a stove, I need a microwave I need I need a fridge immediately.
But do I need other items which are not no so necessary immediately?
No, I need to make room for that. I'm not saying you must invite it on. I'm saying save up for it. Let's focus on what's important and settle down slowly into the marriage.
So let's finances and the people are very finicky about giving access to the partner about their finances. I mean, how can you live under one roof and not know what your partner's financial situation is like?
People complain about this. I don't know how much my husband is earning? I don't know I've got no clue about his money.
Or sometimes it's the other way around. You are a team you need to work together. There needs to be transparency in the relationship.
If it's a joint income, you need to sit down and talk how are we going to contribute towards the expenses of the house? What are you going to contribute towards? What am I going to contribute towards heaven understanding. So finances becomes one of the tipping point in many marriages.
Especially if there's a joint income, there are certain areas where you work together. And there are certain areas where you give them full freedom. There's no accountability required in that regard. And that's how we manage our finances. The next thing that we need to understand in our marriage
no marriage is free of trouble.
And we must spell this out to our children. And I strongly believe we need to move away from the flowery talks at a time of nikka. The person who's officiating the newcomers be straightforward and Frank, because I believe if they can do this, it will reduce the number of divorce in our community.
So away from the flowery talk and giving them what you're going to expect in their marriage. And we need to spell it out to them that listen.
Marriage is not only about roses, is the phones also in the Rose
You will have, you will have friction expected my son expected my daughter. So how are you going to handle yourself? And that's what we need to prepare our children for, you know, when you take it off on a flight,
what is the first thing we do?
The procedure in a case of emergency, in a case of emergency lending, this is what you need to do X, Y, and Z, I imagine is that capital is newly married, and you go in an animal, it's so awkward to listen to something like what if the plane crashes,
but you have to listen to it, it's protocol. And even if you fly in for the 100th time, you still have to listen to the protocol, exit to the right, exit to the left, etc, etc, etc. You have to go through the drill, because it's important. Likewise, when our children are married, we need to tell them in a case of emergency, in the case of turbulence, what do you need to do.
When a plane is moving smoothly, this there's no panic, the panic only comes when there's turbulence. Likewise, when the marriage is moving smoothly, Alhamdulillah there isn't much to worry. But it's time to worry when the things are getting difficult when the going is getting difficult. That's where the education comes into play, where they need to understand how to communicate the troubles and what's bothering them, and how to work their way out of the turbulence.
So just like we have the oxygen masks, they tell you it will drop and the life jacket which you must inflate, and the exit doors that they showed you. Likewise, in the marriage also, there are oxygen masks that will flow and will will will drop life jackets, they will also be given to you in your marriage. And we need to use it
as a community. And more important as parents, we play a very important role in uniting people.
When they struggle in a marriage, the first thing the father says send my daughter home.
Yeah, I don't need your money I can look after she's not on the streets.
But do something constructive about the problem. Problems doesn't mean that you end your marriage problems mean look for a solution in your marriage. So as a father and a mother, I need to divorce my emotions from the situation and look at the reality of the matter. And see how I can help my daughter or my or my son repair reunite, and how I can help them patch up. That's the role of the society at large. Unfortunately, many people are saying I just leave it on me. She's giving you so much trouble. It's an uphill battle, just just leave on carry on.
for me to say that this is very easy.
I can split people up, I got nothing to lose. I go back home, I've got a wife, I've got kids. I've got a roof over my head Alhamdulillah I'm happy. But because of my words, what did I do to those people? Today they are separated. They're on the verge of divorce, custody battles, court cases, all because of my input. Can you see how important it is to choose our right to choose our words correctly.
Our job is a community and our job is colleagues and our job as parents is to unite people.
Every marriage will have their problems, the best of human beings Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam also had problems in his home. But he didn't throw his marriage away. He worked with it.
And so we need to work how our children come closer. And I promise you if the seniors in the community can play a more active role, you will have less friction in the marriage.
If we can sit our children down and try to look at the reality of the matter with emotions aside, and if we can help our children, we can save many marriages.
We can save many marriages.
The divorce rate will go down. I strongly believe that.
And lastly brothers and sisters, if the need comes to divorce, 10 days ways to do it. You don't just do it haphazardly. You don't issue three divorces. You don't take matters in your own control. These channels there are lots of Hamilton essays in the Koran. If there's friction between husband and wife. The first thing, let them sort it out themselves, sit down and iron out the issues and that's the first thing then the Quran says if that is not possible, then choose a representative from her side and a representative from his side.
And let the seniors come together without emotions getting involved. Let him try and unite. And Allah sees an amazing thing. He read Isla de la habana Houma. If the parties are serious about reconciliation, Allah says I will give them love again, I will give them Muhammad. Allah is the controller of the arts. But we need to be genuine in our efforts.
Thirdly, if that does not help you go for counseling.
And if after counseling, things are really not working out, then Islam also don't want you to stay together. You're up for divorce. But you go through us you go through a spoiler, and you ask him to another marriage for you by issuing one irrevocable Tulloch, you don't need three catalogs to end a marriage. That's understand it. There's lots to lose children custody, the well being of your family, everything is at stake. When you in that moment, there's nothing that makes sense to you.
But please, let's follow the proper processes this channels there. Likewise, when we are in an accident, we don't fix our car ourselves. Sometimes we require the panel beater, we take the day knocks it out in our cars moving Alhamdulillah sometimes we require the mechanic, he takes out all the false sometimes require the electrician. Likewise, in the marriage. Also there's a panel beater, there's a mechanic, there's a electrician, we need the help, we need the expertise. We don't sit at home and you start opening the bonnet and you say okay, let me think I think he says the problem, you'll end up losing the engine.
So there is no need to end methods on your own code for outside intervention. And that is not a sign of weakness. When you take your car to the mechanic is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of a person being wise that he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to create further damage. And so he's asking somebody experts for the opinion and to help him out. May Allah subhanaw taala bless us all brothers and sisters in Islam, in a nutshell, is a great need for education.
And then I spoke about the importance of adjusting to one another. The third thing I spoke about is finances. The fourth thing I spoke about the role of society in saving the marriages. And the fifth thing I spoke about is that when they struggle in marriage, what are the procedures to follow in order to resolve your issues? May Allah subhanaw taala bless all our unions with heightened Baraka