Channel: Daood Butt
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We're going to be carrying Holly of bottle soda to adult asleep probably shortly so the way a silly Emily Emily, Sonia Kohli, my brothers and my sisters SLM are Alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. So it is Sunday night Alhamdulillah. It is the night that we have our fit class. It is also the night that after the Fit Class, my weekend starts. So I really look forward to this class every single week, not because it's the ending of my workweek in the beginning of the weekend. But actually, because I really like this class. It's a class that we get to learn a little bit more, we get to discuss certain things. I know when we have it in person, we get to go through a lot of q&a. And in
fact, one of the most amazing things about having this class here in the in the masjid at the community center is the fact that so many people ask questions, and we can go on and on and on. It's like Sunday night, this never ends. But we always have to pull the plug and let people get home to get some rest so that they can go to work the next day, but it is what it is. And we're going to continue inshallah, we are going to continue the chapter on marriage. So we started that chapter last week or this chapter last week, we looked into, you know, the certain characteristics that a person should look in when trying to finalize their spouse, or spouses. And I know for non Muslims,
when they hear this topic that we like, we mean, how to choose a spouse, like how do you choose a spouse? Well, it's not like you just have a whole catalogue of people. And you're like picking and choosing, you know, there has to be some chemistry, there has to be some sort of communication. And that's always something that, you know, is kind of interesting, where, where non Muslims will look into how Muslims live their life and how they do certain things. And a lot of the time, it's just like, Wait a second, you guys do this? do you do that? How is this done? So marriage is not something that is pre arranged, I, you know, chose the law, the person or I decided on who I wanted
to get married to, and pursued that, and my wife as well. And that's the way it's supposed to be in Islam is that you, you you pursue marriage through what you feel is right and who you feel is right and good for you. Of course, trying to respect what Allah subhana wa tada has put in place for us. So that's absolutely important to keep in mind. And we have to remember that whatever we do, we do for the sake of Allah. And anytime we're doing something that is not for the sake of Allah subhana wa, tada, this is an important point that I'm going to try to explain. I was thinking of this this morning, a lot of the time people who are already married,
will have an argument or dispute or as the years goes on, go on, they're just like, in the marriage for the children. But wait a second, are you in the marriage for the sake of the children? Are you in the marriage for the sake of pleasing a lot of data? Because if you're not in it for the sake of pleasing Allah, then technically what you're doing is not right.
So that's something really, really deep when we think about it, we got to keep that in mind, because we are supposed to be focusing on doing what is right, according to a loss of data and not sidetracking. From that if we're sidetracking. And we are doing things for any other purpose,
as in the primary reason is being done for other than a loss penalty to add, then there may be a problem. And we got to look into that.
we continue tonight, we spoke about having the
where do we leave office last week?
the marriage contract.
Last week was November.
Wait a second, I put this on the wrong page. I think.
Who here remembers if we took the proposal? Do we look at a proposal or not?
Did we discuss the proposal last week? Who remembers?
Let's see if anyone's paying attention. Did we discuss the marriage proposal last week? No, we didn't.
We didn't do that. Last so I put my bookmark on the wrong page. Okay, we'll go through that today.
Looking at the proposed spouse, is it permissible to look at the person that we are going to be getting married and I know once again, people are anonymous and might be listening to this. Wait a second. Muslims get married without looking at who they're getting married to?
is really weird. But no, we are supposed to look at the person
And that we're interested in getting married to. And that's a misconception. Some people think No, you know what, it's just an arranged thing. You just go and you get married, you don't look at who it is that you're getting married to, but that's not true. Okay? That's not true. So if someone is considering getting married to someone, then they're supposed to look at them. And later than chocolate or the lover, I said, I came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and mentioned to him, a woman that I had proposed to. And he said, Go and look at her, this is more likely to produce affection between the two of you. So it's encouraged to look at the person you're going to marry.
And remember, some marriages happen with people in other countries, right? So sometimes they'll be marrying someone who's abroad and you may have never come into
direct contact with that person, you may have never spoken face to face. And so it's important to at least know who you're getting married to, because that,
you know that attraction is important. And that's what the prophet sallallahu wasallam said, right? It is more likely to produce affection between the two of you when you see something that you like, you pursue it even more and you feel more connected to that okay, or to the person
and so by looking at the person that you're interested in getting married to, this will please your heart and you will feel you won't feel uncertain, right? You won't feel uncertain. You won't feel as though you know you made the wrong choice or you won't feel
that that feeling of getting cold feet are second guessing your decision and who you're getting married to. Okay, so that's absolutely important. Make sure that whenever you are
looking to get married hopefully everyone here is not married. Just joking. You know hopefully everyone here who is going to go through this will have ease of access to doing things right according to the way Allah subhana wa tada wants and likes for us to do things. And remember following the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam as and will veto the drug out of the love unsaid. And he came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and mentioned that he was interested in getting married.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told him go and look at the person, right? Don't just send a proposal through, make sure you know you're marrying and look at them. Now the question here is how much of the person Are we allowed to look at? Some people will say can I look at you know, his entire body or her entire body? Or can I you know, see him without his shirt on? For example, an easy way to see someone without their shirt on is to go for high drama.
And to pick out that person right to see Oh, is there that he's changing his home? All right, I noticed he's making Lulu Okay, he's got big biceps. Alright, it's all good, right? But the question there is again, for the brothers, the brothers might say can I see her with with other hijab on
and this is where we should still try to respect the limitations of the hijab, okay.
You will find you will find, and I'll say this, you will find that there are some scholars, or even some traditions and some books and some teachings and cultures that will allow certain things like the woman coming out without her hijab.
But it is always better to do things according to the way Allah subhanho wa Taala wants, right, which means
to realize, no one even mentioned to me to totally wrong on Facebook, and YouTube has not qualified him for not paying attention there.
or paying attention to the clouds not paying attention to the captions. But, you know, always try and do what's right, you know, a sister should not have to reveal more of what is permitted for her to reveal to the person that she is interested in getting married to. Now we have an idea, right, we have an idea of what a person looks like, by you know, the clothing that they're wearing, you know, if and everyone is different, some people will will, you know, want someone who's short and some or someone who's tall or someone who is, you know,
I'm going to be very straightforward against but as more curves or someone who has less curves, and all these different, you know, things and interests that people have.
But you should be true to yourself and prove to Allah subhana wa Tada. There are certain things that people may do in order to
highlight certain aspects of their body that is not true or deceiving, right. So there are certain pens that you know can be worn that will show the form of the body more or increase the form. There are certain things that you know can be worn to highlight certain aspects of the body. That's not something that you should do. You shouldn't deceive the person that you're going to get married to because you
Do you want that to just last a day? Or do you want it to just last the marriage and then after that the person finds out, Hey, wait a second, this isn't the person that I thought they were. And this is where you know, also wearing excessive amounts of makeup and stuff like that covering up your true self is not something that it that I encourage personally, even though you know, some people say, Hey, you know what, my wife can wear as much makeup as she wants, that's fine. After you get married, she wanted to wear makeup. Fine. You know, that's, that's between the two of you.
But prior to getting married, it's nice to see people in their original form, right who they actually are.
And I used to, I used to say something in in, you know, workshops that I would teach about mesh as a joke, I would say, or lightheartedly, I wouldn't really say as a joke, but lightheartedly, you know, on the date of the marriage, everyone, you know, looks the best right there marriage days or wedding day, they look 110%, right, better than ever. And you know, they're all done up and the eyelashes are long in the end. And the colored contact lenses are in and you know, the teeth whitening was done and the chiseled up beard, right, that beard is all chisel that everything is nice, and the hair is awesome. And the fingernails are done if they're even done in a permissible hallowed way,
hopefully in sha Allah, right. And everyone's wearing Bling, bling, and looking super awesome. And the interesting thing is, who are you going to wake up next to the next morning
where you could be waking up next to the next morning, when you open your eyes and you turn over and you look at them. And you see the person who is not wearing the makeup or the person who's you know, beard is a mess, or their hair is a mess or, or they comb their hair a certain way. And all of a sudden, all the bald spots are revealed. And you're like, Hey, I didn't know that you were bald, like, sorry. You know, it's called gel and fiber. And I do it a certain way. And it covers up the bald spots. And so Pamela you know, you wake up and you're like, men, who is this person that I'm married to? And you're shocked and you're confused. And you're like, oh, man, is that the real him
is that the real her. So we have to be very careful prior to getting married, to not deceive the person that we are interested in marrying. Okay, let's move on to proposal. So the proposal is for marriage. So it's a proposal for marriage, right? given to a woman through the means that are well known among the people.
What we mean by this is doing something that is normal, according to the cultural norm.
If the other party agrees, this is simply a promise to get married. But it is nothing more than that. So islamically people will say, is there a proposal? Well, technically, in Islam, yes, you can propose to someone but it doesn't mean anything else, other than a proposal that I propose to someone to get married period, right?
It doesn't mean that you are now allowed to start taking photo shoots with each other, it doesn't mean that you're now allowed to, you know, cut cakes together and chill with that person in your arms, it doesn't mean that you are allowed to now be with that person.
Or Yes. You know, as one of the very pious righteous sisters pointed out or a woman can propose to the husband, which, you know, we'll look at as well, very shortly, we're coming to that stop jumping the gun, right? If we use that term,
not permissible in Canada, right? Only in the US.
So it is permissible, do propose to someone but it doesn't mean that there's anything that is between the two of you accept a proposal that's come through and if it's accepted, then the proposal is accepted. Okay, and that's it. So nothing more than that. You're not allowed to hang out with each other, you're not held on for each other. Okay? It's just an agreement that yes, we will get married or no, we will not be getting married. Okay. The fiance is so basically the future bride and groom have no further special relations. And they're still considered not Hello for each other. Okay, so I and this is how I use the term not highlighted for each other, okay? You're not to that
sister, and so on and so forth.
Except until you actually do the kneecap. Okay, once the death is done that, you know, when you are allowed for one another, it is not permissible for a Muslim to make a marriage proposal against the proposal of one of his Muslim brothers. So for example, if a Muslim brother proposed to a sister and he knows about it, he should not come and propose to that sister as well. Okay, so don't like tag team double up on the sister sisters. Like I got six proposals going on right now and the brothers. You know, the brothers are fighting over me. May Allah help you sister, because that's not a situation you really want to be in. You don't want to have like all these brothers coming and
To you, in fact, you should speak near knees to a loss of habitat if that's actually happening. Okay?
So it's not permissible for a Muslim to make a marriage proposal against that of his brother or another Muslim brother. Even the law, said the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam for babies selling against one another, and making a marriage proposal against one's brother's proposal until he gives up that proposal or gives the proposal the proposer permission to do so. So for example, if brother Muhammad is proposing to sister Fatima, and brother Abdullah comes along and says I am interested in proposing to sister Fatima. brother Muhammad says but I've already proposed to her. So Abdullah should wait until
font demo responds to Muhammad or Brother Mohammed says, that's okay. I get I allow you, you can go and propose to sister Fatima as well. And ever of the two of us she chooses and hamdulillah right. Does that make sense? Hopefully that makes sense and shot a lot. Okay. So you should not go against the proposal of your brothers and challenge it or try to, you know,
try to basically sneak your way through, right, let it be. And remember, marriage is with the permission of Allah subhanho wa Taala. Okay, so if Allah subhana wa tada allows something great if he doesn't have the ninja. Okay.
So we'll take questions at the end inshallah. Kay, so, Kasim, just hold on to that question, inshallah.
All right, goes, there it goes the plot to every romantic comedy movie out there. And also every Bollywood movie out there, right, every Bollywood movie is like the sister running around, or the woman running around, you know, in the fields around the tree, singing at the most high pitch voice, you know, hoping that man who she loves so dearly is gonna hold on to her scarf or her sorry, in the distance and pull on it and tug on it. There you go. That's the bed of her dreams. And all of a sudden, the other men comes along and starts tugging on the the scarf. And she's like, Oh, he's interested in me too. Oh, my God, and she starts you know, flipping out. And anyways, that's
probably the only seen daddy Bollywood movie I've ever seen. And I sort of generalized every single one of them right there. Alright, let's move on.
It is not permissible. Okay, it is not permissible to propose to a woman who is experiencing a revocable divorce. Okay, it is also not allowed to make an explicit statement of proposal to a woman who is experiencing a irrevocable divorce or is in her waiting period after becoming widowed. So basically, if a woman is is on her, she's experiencing her a de, you should not go and propose to her, leave her to finish her. So if she was divorced by her husband, or she is divorced by her husband, the third and last time, okay, or she was married and her husband passed away and she's a widow during the time of her death after that, you are not allowed to go and propose to her during
that time. Okay.
However, in these two last cases that we gave as an example, right, so,
so in the time that
which one was the last to
make an explicit statement
Okay, so a woman who's experiencing an irrevocable divorce, right as in, its her third divorce, okay. Or a woman who is a widow and going through a de, in these two cases, one may make an indirect statement alluding to a proposal.
Okay. So you may hint or show interest
in proposing to that person but not to actually go and propose a loss of Hannah which is said
or says in sort of Baccarat verse number 235, one as a consumer of love Don't be mean quit all that in Nice
calm centered Coronavirus
Allah Subhana Allah says and there is no sin on you if you make a hint of the truffle, or conceal it in yourself, okay? So if you hint it, or you just keep it within yourself,
Allah Subhana Allah can continues to say, Allah knows that you will remember them, but do not make a promise of contract with them in secret, except that you speak an honorable saying,
okay, so if you're going to hint it ended and leave it, don't go ahead and start you know, interacting this person remember their, their, their husband may have passed away or they went through some, you know, difficult times. And remember, a person is vulnerable in that stage or can be sometimes vulnerable in that state. So you need to be very careful to not take advantage of someone.
In Islam, we are not allowed to take advantage of people, okay? And we look at people who may be in a situation where they are vulnerable, and we have to respect that and encourage them to come out of it and make them stronger. That's our responsibility. Make people stronger? Don't take advantage of the week. Okay.
All right, move on the marriage contract. Okay, the marriage contract.
There are two essential components to the marriage contract.
Okay, there are two essential components to the marriage contract. The first is the offer. And the second is the acceptance. Simple.
I offered to marry you. I accept to marry you, cos it's done. Right as in. That's really what's needed. Okay, an offer and an acceptance. Now remember, marriage is very similar to business, there's a contract, okay, there's a contract and marriage is one of those things that you do not joke about, okay? Just like when you're doing business, everything's serious. There's risk there's, there's loss that's involved and so on. Marriage is similar to that you do not joke around about marriage. Okay. So
in addition to the offer in the acceptance, there are some conditions that must be met in order for the contract to be sound. Okay, so it's an offer and acceptance, but there are conditions to it.
The following are some of these conditions First of all, permission of the one Okay, so the well he has to give permission, or agree to his daughter marrying so and so person. Okay. Bear with me, don't jump ahead, relax, we'll get to the questions. I know you're eager to ask these questions, but just hold on a few seconds, okay. So, I shall be narrated that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, if any woman marries without the permission of her guardian, as in her, Well, he, then her marriage is void, then her marriage is void, then her marriage is void.
If he has intercourse with her, then she is deserving of the dowry, and we'll use the term dowry, even though dowry technically means the gift that the wife and her family gives to the men. But in Islam, it's the other way around, right? So she says, it will go back and say it again. If any woman marries without the permission of her guardian of what he then her marriage is void, then her marriage is void, or marriage is void. If he had intercourse with her, then she is deserving of the dowry that makes her permissible for him.
If there's a dispute, then the ruler or the leader or the judge or in a non Muslim country could possibly even be an Imam is the guardian of one who does not have a guardian. So the leader of the country, or someone who's appointed by the leader, like a judge, or an Imam who has that position, and respect and level of authority within the community can act as a person's weddy. Disclaimer, don't come and ask me to be your Wiley. I don't be the Wali of anybody except my two daughters. Okay.
So don't come and ask me to be the Wali but I will speak to your one. Why? Because sometimes what people do is they're like, Oh, my dad's not listening. Can you be the wily or can my dad appoint someone else to be the one? Where can my uncle or my brother who's been appointed as the one he sign off his permission, his ability to be the wedding to someone else? Hold on. Let's have a word with your family. Let's talk to them and figure this out. And remember sometimes when he is being oppressive?
Yes, right. And they are oppressing the doctor.
by not allowing her to marry anyone that she wants to marry, even if those people are good, remember they have good character and their Deen is strong. Right? So they have good character and they have Deen
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, you know what if you find this in a man and marry, as in marry your daughter to him.
Sometimes you'll find sisters who find someone who's really religious and the father keeps saying, nope, he has no house. No, he has no car. No, his job doesn't pay enough.
Let's hold on there, right? Let's talk to the wealthy and let's, let's give him some advice. Maybe he doesn't see it the way other people see it, maybe he's just not understanding it as he's supposed to be. Maybe he doesn't know his level of authority, and that he's even oppressing her sometimes. You know, I speak to a father sometimes and, and he says, I had no idea that, you know, I thought she was just waiting. I thought she was just waiting. I'm waiting for her to get married. And she's waiting for him to approve and they're just both waiting and waiting, waiting. So hold up. Okay, we'll talk to the well he will discuss a few things and then we'll see what we can do. Okay.
Number two from some of these conditions that need to be met, for the contract to be sound as in a correct is the presence of witnesses. Okay, the presence of witnesses shall be narrated that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, there is no marriage except with a guardian and two refutable witnesses, so you need witnesses for marriage to be correct is technically Okay.
and that's pretty much it for the marriage contract, right? So you have the marriage contract, that is an offer as in, son, so man is offering his daughter to so so the father of brother, sorry, the father of sister Fatima is offering his daughter to Brother Abdullah, who actually went and proposed and his daughter accepted Abdullah instead of Muhammad, right. So
the father is proposing his daughter to Brother Mohammed, brother, Mohammed is accepting the daughter of
that daughter, Fatima. Okay. And she has the permission of her welly.
And there are two witnesses present 100.
Okay, now hold on, we'll talk about the contract a little more, because there's things that you can add in there.
With regards to the contract,
both husband and wife can add conditions. Okay, they can put conditions in there. For example, a bride might say, as a condition, I will never cook food for you, as my husband. I will never cook food for you.
I don't want to cook. I don't know how to cook. I don't like cooking. I'm never gonna cook. You want me to cook.
You got to pay me.
That's permissible to sign ugly brothers relaxed. I remember I was teaching this in Australia, in Brisbane, Australia. And when the break time came around, we were like, right in this area, we're talking about these things. And break came around. And we took a pause for about I think half an hour, 45 minutes to pray and to have some some refreshments. It was like a long weekend seminar that I was teaching. And I remember this in Brisbane, and almost all the brothers there are doctors, right. They're like medical doctors. Most of them are medical doctors in Brisbane, Australia. You know, lots of medical students and doctors. And these brothers were like, they came up and they're
like, shave police. You are making it difficult for us. You're telling us and you're telling our wives who are sitting here listening as well. They don't have to cook for us.
And I was like, I'm sorry, I'm not the one who's saying this. This is part of our Deen as part of our Deen. However, here's here's one catch is that you didn't in your marriage contract, maybe your wife didn't put that as a condition. So she can't technically use that against you. But at the same time, it's not an obligation for the wife to cook for her husband, right? It's not from the rights of the husband that his wife cooks for him.
So I'm sorry, there's, there's always gonna be like, there's always a way to get something done. Right. And the thing is, we're supposed to do what we do for the sake of a lot of trying to please
remember that, okay, so getting back to it.
You can put conditions in. So for example, the brother says,
I never want you to take out the garbage. It is not your responsibility to take out the garbage. That is my responsibility. And I will always do that you as my wife are never going to take out the garbage and you're never going to clean the toilets. Right?
Brother doesn't want to see his wife cleaning toilets doesn't doesn't feel comfortable seeing her as the one who has, you know, got her sleeves rolled up in her hand in the toilet and she's brushing it away. That's not what a brother wants to see from his wife. So he says, you know, you've never cleaned the washrooms. You never cleaned the toilets. You never take out the garbage. That's my job. I'm gonna do it. How many of you brothers have that as a condition in your marriage?
Whether it's on your contract or just an agreement in your marriage?
Anyone? Any of the brothers? Okay, here's another question. How many of the sisters are watching has to take out the garbage and have to or whether they have to or not, they do it. So how many of the sisters take out the garbage? And how many of the sisters wash the toilets? Or clean the toilet bowl?
None of you are married and you don't do it. Or all of you have maids? I saw lots of brothers out you probably hear the vacuum buddies vacuuming outside my office super loud.
None of you. No one's married. 100 in law, no one's married. That's great.
None of you are married. Seriously, like everyone on the livestream is not married? No, I hope all of you if you're over 18 and you're not married yet? May Allah help you.
Find that right person for you real real quick, Sean.
That's it. No one's chatting.
me clean washrooms. Okay. So there we go. Sister says that she cleans the washrooms All right.
Maybe that's an agreement or maybe you're fine with it in your marriage, right. But there are certain things that you can put as condition in your marriage contract, right? For example, the brother says,
I don't know brothers usually don't put anything. There's just like, hurry up, let's get married and then ask to get married. Like I should have put that I should have put this I should have put that and it should have.
So you know, how a lot.
married people Ain't got time, right? Mary, people don't have time to actually watch live streams on a law, how to love married people, what are you doing? They're like, Oh, it's Sunday night, we got to go to work tomorrow, forget this. Or you know, it's after a shot, maybe they're busy with their spouse.
On the lights delighted to say stuff like that, by the way, right? A light hearted way, encouraging people to actually be, you know, happy with their spouse, spend time with their spouses permissible talent. You know, within Islam, Allah Subhana, Allah makes intimacy Hello for husband and wife once the marriages is settled, right? So nothing wrong with that it actually is helpful. And remember, one of the things that a lot of people forget is that intimacy not only becomes highlighted after marriage, if you are intimate, in the ways Allah Subhana Allah wants or permits, I should say, and you are, you know, doing whatever you do in your marriage for the sake of pleasing of us, how do we
data that is considered an act of Riba? Right, not like sought out or fasting, but it's an act of very bad that you are rewarded for. Right? So you can actually be rewarded family for being intimate with your spouse.
Yeah, I mean, why wouldn't you? Because Allah made it for you. Right. So it's valid is permissible. And, you know, that's, that's something that you can do.
A lot. So enough about the contract, we move on the obligation of getting the woman's approval before the marriage, we'll skip this chapter. Okay. This is not important, right? the obligation of getting the woman's approval before marriage? Should we just skip it? Like, we don't need to discuss this chapter.
You guys okay with that? This part of the chapter who skip it? Getting the woman's approval does not need it, right. We don't need to get the woman's approval. So we'll skip it. All right. We'll move on to
the speech for the wedding ceremony. Okay, the speech for the wedding ceremony.
Surprised none of you are like arguing. I just said that. We're going to skip one of the most important things that needs to be discussed. And
that's it. None of you are going to say don't know we actually need to talk about this. I'm really surprised here either.
Dozens of you are on watching this and you are just not paying attention. Or and there's like two smartbridge
Others were like, yeah, skip it. It's all good. Just skip it. Right? So we'll, I mean, if you guys are fine with it, we could skip that part where the woman has to approve, because
Okay, wait a second. All the sisters like woke up like, Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. That's right is one of the most important things that we need to discuss, right?
And now, everyone's like, Oh, we can't skip anything we're learning. You're not supposed to skip things we need to learn about it. Uh huh. All right. So let's take this in sha Allah as the last thing that we'll take for today inshallah. Okay, because we wanted to do a lot more wanted to get into the Dow Theory. Right. But we'll do that next week because we'll be here forever. And I want to I want to open it up for some questions that knows a lot of marriage questions, right.
Cannot withhold the deen. I'm not withholding the deen. It's there if anyone wants to learn it. I just don't have to speak about it.
All right. Let's let's move on and talk about let's talk about the obligation of getting the woman's approval before the marriage. Let's talk about it.
Pretty sure someone's gonna like use this against me someday. But anyways, okay, although there is no marriage without a guardian. Okay, so remember, you go back to the Hadith of the Prophet so long it was some of them were at McDonald, the Allah says that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, if any woman marries without the permission of her guardian, then her marriage is void, or marriage is void. Her marriage is void. Okay, so the woman needs permission to have her wedding. So although there's no marriage, without a guardian, without the wedding, it is obligatory upon the Guardian, the way
to obtain the woman's approval before the marriage.
Okay, let me say that again. Although there is no marriage without a guardian, it is obligatory upon the guardian to obtain the woman's approval before the marriage,
we must get the approval of
the future bride. Okay, that sister, whether it's a daughter, or whoever it is, that's looking to get married. She has to be okay with it. If she's not okay with it, the one he cannot say I don't care if she's not okay with it. I'm marrying her off anyways, that marriage is not valid. Okay.
Unless she agrees to it. As in,
she hasn't given her approval, the marriage goes forth. And she agrees to the marriage. And I'll give you an example.
There are sisters here in Canada, who get married to their cousins back home in Pakistan. And I'm using this as an example because I have so many cases of sisters have come to me with the same issue in the last. I don't know how many years in fact, even before I came back to Canada, I was dealing with this issue, even while I was living in Malaysia, with Pakistani sisters who were you know, living abroad, and were forced to get married to their cousins that were living in another country. Now.
What happens is
the sisters parents, right. So daughter, her parents, and she's like 1819 2021 2225, whatever her age is, she's mature. She's over the age of getting married. Her parents are like, We're going on a trip to Pakistan. Okay. going on a trip to Boston, like they go on a trip to Pakistan every other year, every year right? They get to Pakistan. They meet up with their cousin, they bring them over and every single night there's people coming over and she's like, Whatever. I'm just not gonna say anything. Just not gonna say anything. I'm just not gonna say anything. She's not saying anything. That's important. Right? Remember that's important. She's not saying anything.
Me keeps bringing people over.
Then the family feels comfortable with one of the cousins.
And he comes over a second time he comes over a third time he meets down he talks to them he brings over ladoos then he brings JUMP JUMP then he brings Buffy then he brings more so then he brings biryani and once a bit Yanni comes is like a sealed deal. Right? Just joking.
The fan feels comfortable with one of the cousins and says you're going to be marrying your cousin
what's your cousin's name was smart.
Good to be married.
I know man was fun.
just picking on my nephew because he just came on. It was named as mine.
So, the sister now, Fatima, poor Fatima. She's sitting there going
I didn't know I was getting married on this trip to Pakistan. I thought it was just coming to visit family. Right. But she doesn't say anything. She's bottling up her feelings inside. family says was mom's coming over tomorrow was smiling comes over, he brings ladoos and he puts a lot do in her mouth. And she bites off the London auto. Right? She eats the
Tabby she's like, This is nice. Man is feeding me with his hands. Right in my mouth. hamdulillah His hands are clean, right? Don't worry, he washed them COVID time, right? And she's like, Oh, he's so romantic. This is awesome. Maybe he's a good guy, right.
And then the next day, someone comes over again, right? His parents come with him. His Auntie comes with them. All his uncle's come as well, right, the neighbors down the street come and they bring every other person that they could think of as well, they all come over. And
this is the engagement.
And tell her Okay, you got to get dressed and everything, you know, get ready, this is gonna happen, you're gonna go upstairs, get ready, and you're gonna get engaged. And she's like, I don't understand what's going on. She goes upstairs and she gets dressed. And she puts on makeup. And she's like, I don't want to disappoint my parents, right? I don't want to make them upset. I don't want to I don't want to be punished by one go against my parents. So I'm just going to do what my parents asked me to do. While at the same time, deep down. They she may be like, oh, someone fed me letters with his bare hands. That was so romantic. That was so amazing, right? And like, and you
know, maybe even, I don't know what I don't want to get into things that are hot on
me. So what happens here is she doesn't want to go against her parents. So she goes upstairs gets dressed gets changed whatever already, you know, it's in two weeks or whatever she but she ends up going along with it. She has a dress made for her. She has shoes that are the most uncomfortable shoes in the world that have zero padding, and all they do is hurt your feet and give you blisters. Right. And she knows those on the pointed kind of shoes that just hurt your feet, right? And then you know, she put puts out on gets ready and everything and then comes down on the day that she's supposed to get, you know, engaged to this person. She goes along with the engagement, they asked
her Are you okay with marrying this mom, she's thinking we will do right? And so they end up you know, engaging, she agrees to it because she doesn't want to go against her parents. And then she thinks you know, when I go back to Canada all sorted out and tell them I disagree to this.
Sisters, you have to speak up. If you're not okay with getting married to the person that your parents are proposing for you or who has come forward and propose to you then speak up and say it's very simple. All you have to do is two letters. It starts with n ends with an O and there's an exclamation mark at the end of it. Just Say No.
and walk away. Or don't walk away. Take the loo from his hand and eat it yourself. Don't let the awesome do go to waste. But just say no. Just say no to Pamela. I don't know how.
It's hard because there's a lot of stress. And it's like mental the pressure. It's mental pressure is difficult. Sisters go through it. And they come into my office afterwards. And they're like, bawling out crying tears, their best friend comes with them or their sister comes with them. Or their brother sometimes comes with them. It says, you know she was cornered into it. She didn't want to disobey her parents. She didn't want to embarrass her parents in front of the whole village. And, you know, people are like, Dude, why are you exaggerating? I'm not exaggerating, right? Maybe in your case, it didn't happen. But for some people, the whole village comes and the whole village is
like, Oh, this is amazing. The fun thing was getting married to a smile by all Mashallah. And it's just like, she doesn't want to embarrass her parents in front of everybody. So she stays quiet. Don't stay quiet. It is much better for you to say no.
than it is for you to stay silent and then you have to get divorced. Imagine how embarrassed Your parents are going to feel after that. And that's the next step to the problem. The next step problem is
the sister doesn't say anything. She goes along with the engagement she goes along with the kneecap she goes along with the walima she chooses the food that she wants to serve to the people right she agrees with me we're gonna have this video and not that one we're gonna have Bilbao and we're not gonna have this or you know, in Pakistan, you can only have
religions, you can only have a certain amount of dishes because the government's like, you can't be too extravagant or whatever. And then other places like Karachi, you can have like 30 days of food that you give out to everybody for 40 days because, you know, for the day Tila, Mashallah. But
she goes along with everything, she gets married, she comes back to Canada, then they come into my office, like, I didn't want to disobey my parents in front of them. But I don't want to be married to this person that I don't want to sponsor him to Canada. I don't want to do the immigration paper. And by the way, I'm pregnant.
And you want me to do what?
what do you what do you want me to do now? You had the opportunity to say, the two letter word followed by the exclamation mark. No.
But you didn't.
And you chose the clothes, you got them tailored, you wore the shoes, your feet got blisters. You know,
we're intimate with him as well. You had the kneecap you had the walima. Of course, intimacy came after the kneecap, right? Had the walima. God sometimes even got pregnant, flew back to Canada filed for immigration. And now you're saying I was never interested in him in the first place? How were you never interested?
And then she says the golden line.
You know, in that movie back in the day where it said, You had me at hello. I don't remember what movie that was. But I just remember everyone else talking about that line, where I think the guy came in a woman who was like in tears. And she's like, You had me at hello? Well, in in this, you know, cultural example. It's, you had me with the lead do.
Right? He was the lead dude that sealed the deal. And I'm saying it lightheartedly. But at the same time, my brothers and sisters I know sisters that are suffering in this situation.
And as much as I'd like to say it's only sisters. I'm sorry for all the feminists out there. I think that it's only sisters, or only women that go through these problems. I know firsthand. And I have seen brothers cry tears like babies, because they were in the exact same situation. They did not want to obey their parents. They're like I'm the eldest son or I'm you know this and that I have to look after my parents. How can I go against them this and that. And I know brothers who got married two cousins back home, who, you know, they didn't want to be married to had no love for have I had a loved one. But it just popped into my mind eight years, eight years, eight years of being married to
his house. He's like, we have never been intimate with each other. I refuse to be intimate with her. This is what he's saying. I refuse to be intimate with her because I didn't want to marry her in the first place. And I don't want to do that to her or with her. And I don't want anything to come from it. Like you've been married for eight years. Yes. Just to please my parents and take care of her and bring her to Canada and this and that on a law.
And then you come to me and then you're like, I want some help in this. Yes, we will help you. I won't reject you. I won't turn you away. But I'm just telling you now. For the brothers and the sisters who are not married. Two letter word, exclamation mark. No, just just
don't agree and don't go along with something you're not happy with.
Because as we've learned,
yes, the marriage is not valid without the Wali
but the marriage is also not valid. The agreement the contract is not valid if the woman doesn't agree to it, but she has to not agree to it. If she's silent, and and then the parents come in, they say, Well, first of all, you know, the head of the woman that she's silence is her approval. Why? Because she's shy, She's embarrassed. She doesn't want to say yes, I want to be with this man. Right? She's embarrassed but
you ate the ladoo from his hand, and in some cases, maybe even licked his fingers toolbox stuff for a while before marriage. kusmi This is wrong, right?
And then you were the uncomfortable shoes you had to tailor make you the dress you chose the food you wanted at your wedding EMA you were there for the Nika you, you know you did all these things and then you say I would never want to do you should have said you never wanted to at the time that you had the opportunity to say you never wanted to.
But now now you have to pay the price. Now it's going to be hard. Okay? May Allah Subhana Allah make it easy. I can go on and on on this topic alone on this part alone of eggs.
samples of people owe some kind of law. Another example, here's one brother decided to marry his cousin because he thought, okay, I'm doing the right thing. And he was like a marrying someone from back home, someone who's more, you know, traditional, someone who's more cultural, someone who's more, he felt he was marrying someone who was going to be the stay at home, you know, wife, and eventually the stay at home mother to his children, who was going to be very soft, very kind, you know, anything he tells her to do, she'd be like,
you know, clean about me, and she would do everything. Right. miskeen miskeen brother, married his wife,
who was this cousin in Pakistan, brought her to Canada, two and a half or three years later, because immigration, you know, years back, took some time, right, marries or brings her to Canada. She comes to Canada, as soon as she gets here, and they settle down. She says, I want this and I want that, and I'm not wearing my hijab anymore. And I'm going to work and I'm doing this, and I'm doing that, and I don't care about you, I only married you to come to Canada and live the western lifestyle looks.
A lot like a
true story. True case, brother, like miskeen miskeen.
he gave her everything,
gave her everything that she wanted
to try and make her happy.
And she didn't want him. She just wanted to leave her culture and to embrace the western lifestyle. I'm in Canada now. Right? And she just wanted to, and I don't want anyone to think that I'm insulting the culture. No, I'm not. My father's Pakistani. I deal with this in our community and communities across the globe of people were experiencing this. And it is very common in the DC community, especially the Pakistani community. Very common. So I'm not trying to insult or make fun of anyone, I'm just trying to make it a little light hearted so that you feel like okay, don't is not, you know, just blasting us and going off and Okay, forget this lecture, forget that lecture,
I'm not coming back. I want you to understand that this is a reality. And it's a problem that we have in our communities. And it's not only within the buck study community, so don't get me wrong. It is very common in the Pakistani culture, but it is not restricted to it. There are many, many other cultures where this is a problem, and mailbox handle without a help, especially our sisters who get caught up in, you know, having to do this.
Also, it is not allowed for him as in for the body to compel the woman to marry if she is not pleased with it. So he can't even force her to do it. Right. He's not allowed to force her to do it.
If he concludes a marriage contract that she is not pleased with. So if he goes ahead and agrees to the marriage and says no problem, I'm the Wali I will take care of everything signs it, the contract is done. You know, the offer was made, it was
it was accepted. The Maha is there. The
the witnesses are there, and everything takes place. And he says, I marry her off, everything's fine. If he concludes a marriage contract that she's not pleased with it, she has the right to know the contract. And this happened during the time of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam.
There are many examples that we can give
of this happening during the time of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. But I've taken enough time, I've gone on for an hour an hour and I said, about almost 25 minutes ago, I wanted to open it up for q&a. And we take this part it's I think, I spent like maybe 2025 minutes on this part alone, but it's just because it's so important to cover and it's such a big problem. So many people fall into this issue.
me just make note that this is where we're finishing nov 820 20.
We will carry on from here inshallah, next week, the speech for the wedding ceremony. Okay, we'll talk about that. We'll talk about the wedding ceremony.
We'll get into
the dowry model. We'll talk about the model next week inshallah. So make sure you
If you haven't gotten your ohada yet,
I hope you
will open it up for some questions. inshallah, if anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask.
I know some of you asked some questions along the way, if we answered it. And if we didn't, please type it in now. And we'll take those questions for those of you that typed in a question and it didn't answer it. Type it in again, please. Because I am just happy to go up and scroll through all the Facebook, YouTube Instagrams and all that.
Can you talk normally in video call to your potential spouse? Okay.
I think we touched upon this last week. But if, if you're interested in marrying someone, and the agreement is there, so you proposed and the agreement is made, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, once the match is found, then marry, don't delay. Okay, don't delay. For a number of reasons.
I can give you some now, for example, you know, a brother can't start comparing her to someone else, a sister can't start comparing him to someone else, because no one else to compare to. Right, they just go along with it. They feel that both people are good for each other. Right. And I'm not talking about people who have doubts in their decision. I'm talking about someone who, you know, two people who feel we're right for each other. Let's get married. Now you're talking about can you video call with each other?
Or talk normally, we'll try to restrict that as much as possible. Once the match is made an agreement to get married, get married, and talk is you will have you will have so much time to bury you back. I'm tired of talking. Okay. So hold off on the talking, you'll hear the childhood stories that when I was five, and when I was three and what I did when I was 10. And you know the times that you got hit by your parents and you know punished and all that stuff, you'll hear all the stories, you don't need to hear it before marriage we need to do now is focus on Okay, we agreed to get married when we getting married, let's get married, the house is set or the apartment is set or
wherever we're going to set and move on. Okay.
So is it permissible to do that? In the case of a necessity? Yes. But if it's just I'm talking to her for an hour every day, for the next year, because we're planning our marriage in a year and a half. May Allah help you it shouldn't be that way. Okay, the match is made, get married, move on with your life. All right.
A few questions or something was typed in here and we just scroll and read this.
It's important to educate ourselves, according to the dean and dunia both, yes, it is. Any advice for university students looking to get married and married? That's my advice to you.
My advice is get married.
Any advice for a university student looking to get married, get married.
But figure out your plan, write it down. Don't just go over to you know, the Father's house and say I'm interested in marrying your daughter? And he says, Okay, what do you have in mind? I don't know. We get married? Maybe? Yeah, I understand that. But what do you have in mind? How are you going to take care of my daughter? What are you going to do? How are you going to provide for her? What are you going to eat? If she needs new winter boots? Are you able to buy them for her figure your plan out and go with it? Right? But again, at the same time, don't. Don't think that you can plan everything out? Because you can't plan everything out. You'll never be able to plan everything out.
Right? Whatever you plan will probably not be and what what happens? So, you know, be simple, be moderate, and go with it.
Everyone should know marriage and divorce laws of whatever country you live in. Also, yes. So know the marriage and divorce laws of not only the country you live in, but I say this all the time.
If you're looking to get married, learn divorce,
learn about learn, attend our free class, basically. Right? So part of getting married is knowing how to get out of the marriage. Okay, everyone thinks I don't need to know divorce. I'm not going to divorce her. You get married the night you get married. She punches you in the face like whoa, wait a second what has happened here? Now you're like, oh, how do I get divorced? Right? This person isn't right for me. Sorry, you don't know how to get divorced so you do the wrong thing. And then you end up either sinning or you know doing something wrong. Know the laws of the country. You live in the place you live in the province as well. right but also know how to do force
legally and islamically. Okay, it's important. Everyone makes this mistake.
Um, it is like engagements allowed in Islam.
We spoke about engagements, what do we say? an engagement is basically the proposal is made. And an agreement to the proposal means you are now engaged.
But nothing else is held out for you. She's not highlighted for you. He's not highlighted for you. That's it. It's just, we are going to get married. When are we going to get married? That's what you need to figure out. You need to hurry up and do it. Okay. So is an engagement allowed? Yes. But it's an engagement understand that it is different than the society we live in here. Right. And engagement. Islam is an agreement for us to get married. And we've settled on the fact that we are going to get married now we need to get married. Okay.
Oh, no, please. No. My wife's like, I'm looking forward to a long talk when you get home because we're talking about having long talks. How long do they last? We've been married for over 18 years now. And I've heard all the stories we've talked so much, we're tired of talking. So
I might pretend like I'm listening to you.
If you want to talk
now I'm getting myself in trouble. Okay, no questions here. Okay, no more questions there. I have a look at this.
Do is choosing a partner. Oh sorry, in choosing a partner and if you're adamant on a few things that are not character or religion of the person but more logistical. And you don't want to change is saying no considered Okay.
Can you be more specific? In? Who's this on YouTube? Who's added? I don't really understand your question. In choosing a partner if you're adamant on a few things that are not character or religion of the person. So there's other things that you are,
you know, focusing on right?
There logistical and you don't want to change is saying no considered okay? saying no. is?
is okay, if you're, if you're not happy with it, right? You're not pleased with you're not satisfied with that person. There's nothing wrong with saying it's not how long for you to say no.
If the person wants you to move, etc, or a job, but the person is religious and has a good character, okay? So look, remember I said,
so you're, you're blending a few things together. So for a woman who's looking to get married, she's gonna look at his Deen and good character. Okay, that's advice. Remember, these are advice and guidelines from the prophets. And along with that, but you can look at more things as well. Right. But these two things should be your focus, okay, that's what the profits in the long run data center is showing us here, right should be your focus. Now.
If for example,
you want to marry the person, but the person wants you to marry, move somewhere else, and you don't want to move. That can be a condition that you put in your contract, or your marriage contract, you could say, I'm gonna get married to you on the condition that we remain living in this city. Or we remain living in this country, we can move within the country, but I want to stay within this country. Or you could say, I'll marry you on the condition that I get to visit my parents every two months, regardless of where we live. If you can't afford to fly me in from wherever else you want to live, then I'm sorry, we can't get married. These are things that you can put in your marriage.
I hope that was clear. inshallah. I
saw a couple of things here.
Similar in particular, okay. Yeah. So I got that certain vision, but how old were you when you got married? Okay, so someone's asking how old? How old was I? When I got married? It's a long time ago. And I'm 18 years old now. So I mean,
so, Kasim, you're asking, what's the best age to get married? When you're asking that question?
You're at, you're already past the age of getting married. So when a person says, How do I know when I'm ready to get married? You know how to answer that question? How do I know when I'm ready to get married? What I always say is, you know, you're ready to get married. And you're asking that question.
Right? You know, you're ready to get married, we asked him that question. So to answer your question, at what age did I get married, that I was 21 years old, and we got married? Okay, I was 21. My wife was 16.
no, she wasn't 16. She just just just turned 90 days, my wife just turned 19. Which basically, sorry, I'm giving away your age, you're 25 years old. That's my wife is 25. And
I was, I was 21. At the time when we got married.
Okay, so this brother says, I have a family member who wants to marry a non Muslim.
He is considering converting, what advice would you give to the non Muslim brother? So the non Muslim is a brother in Islam once they become a Muslim, right? So what advice would I give to the non Muslim I would say, embrace Islam and prove your Islam to a law?
This is what I do when someone comes into my office, and they say,
Oh, I'm ready to I'm ready to become Muslim. Really? What do you know about that? What is it about Islam I need to get married. And her parents won't let me get married to her unless I'm a Muslim. So I need to become less than what I say is I'm sorry.
I'm not going to
agree to you doing the Shahada. Just because you want to get married, you don't even know the first thing about Islam. To be a Muslim means to deter, and you start to explain it to them, right? And then he's like, I don't want to do all of that. I just want to get married. Well, I'm sorry, then you're not a Muslim. As much as you might come in the middle of the street in the middle of the busiest intersection to go, I'm a Muslim, but you're not. Because you don't believe. Right? And you agree that you don't believe. But you're just saying no, I'm listening because I want to get married. So what I tell people is, if someone's interested in getting married to someone
that is not Muslim, and they want to accept Islam, in order to get married, I say first, you don't become Muslim because of the, for the sake of marriage, you become Muslim for the sake of Allah. So become a Muslim. and prove your Islam to Allah. Learn to pray, and pray and fast. And you know, do what the Muslims do learn to recite the Quran and understand the Quran and educate yourself in Islam and prove yourself to a law not to the family or to anyone else, Allah will give you something even better than the person that you think is good for you. If you're doing what you're doing for the sake of a lesser penalty. Okay.
hope that makes sense.
lol lol, lol, lol.
I'm going to be in trouble when I get home today, or I'm going to be in real trouble is one of the two. Okay, so we're gonna end right now in sha Allah to Allah because I'm worried that the live stream might cut off. I'm surprised that it's gone on for more than an hour has Instagram changed. It used to be only an hour, but I guess it's able to go for longer now. So the law dakolo came in for attending. It's been a nice class. You made me delay the beginning of my weekend. I'm just joking around with data, except from every single one of you, please do share, you know the length of the session with others and encourage others to attend as well. You know, the these topics are
important and there's a lot of people out there that need to know a lot of these things and they don't know it or they're looking for advice or they're looking for the answer to their questions or their family is trying to figure something out for them. And we could be people that help them out in job loss. So please do share with others and encourage others to attend the class does not come along later on robotica low FICO or someone will send them over can and Amina Mohamed Asahi recently was sent him when he come to LA he got a capital