True Love by Sh. Bilal Dannoun
A highly beneficial and funny lecture on how to make the marriage strong and sweet.
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smilla rahmanir rahim
al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam when a man in acmella Ania lm and batha who love Ramadan Delilah me Ameen. Allahumma salli wa sallim wa barik ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi H.
O praise is due to Allah in May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
and upon all those who follow His guidance, who follow his way who Sunnah, his creed until the last day.
My dear respected brothers and sisters in Islam Salam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
Today's presentation is entitled true love.
unfortunately for us as human beings, Love does not come bottled. You know, you can buy many things in bottles, but she cannot buy love in a bottle.
And this is a very, very important topic. Especially given that in the world that we live in today.
There are many relationships that are crushing
many relationships that are coming to an end in a recent study that I came across,
it revealed that
from the time that couples are saying I do you know, in other words, I build to
in our Islamic piano lingo,
that in eight years time that 50% of those couples will not be in the same bedroom.
Australians spend some $3 billion
on getting married and then they spend some $6 billion on getting divorced.
So there is a lot
a lot of people that get divorced if you call if you ask any chef, what is the inquiry that you receive the most from people, they will tell you without a shadow of doubt that they are inquiries regarding marriage regarding divorce. Now, this is a very important topic because when you are not in a happy marriage, then this will have a ripple effect. It will affect your health. People get depressed, it will affect your children and they are the victims usually in a marital breakup.
It will affect your work, it will affect the people that are around you. And so we really need to take our marriages very seriously. And then hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen in a slam marriage is a divine is a divinely revealed Institute. So Allah subhanho wa Taala has revealed to us verses to do with marriage, and so did the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam through his Sunnah delivered to us much information about marriage, we find from spouse selection, to getting married to how to nurture and to maintain a very blissful marriage,
to how to resolve problems, and how to have an amicable divorce. This is all from the teachings of Islam. Because Islam, my dear brothers and sisters, does regulate every aspect of our lives. Islam is a way of life.
Now in the Western world, I came across a saying that says that when you go through one stage of the relationship to the next, you take on three rings. The first ring is the engagement ring. And the second ring is the wedding ring. And the third ring is the suffering.
So tonight inshallah hota Allah, I'd like to make my contribution to every married couple. So
To avoid the third ring the suffering inshallah who Thailand. Now it's very important when we look at successful couples, what do they have that others don't have? They have knowledge. So they are not ignorant, they are not ignorant about how to deal with their spouse how to treat their marriage, and they have persistence, they have a willingness to work on their marriage, because they take it seriously.
So, we find, for example, in some parts of the world, you are not allowed to enter into a marriage contract, unless you undertake some sort of preparatory course, on marriage, like a premarital counseling. For example, in Singapore, in Malaysia, they have these courses. And these courses have proven to be very, very beneficial. And my advice to every Muslim community is to have a course that is available for people who are about or for couples who are about to get married. So they know what are their duties? What are what are the some of the things to expect and how to conduct themselves as a husband and as a wife, insha Allah who to Allah Subhana Allah, we find that many of us for
example, before we start to drive, before we begin to drive a car, we take lessons, you know, there are so there are mandatory lessons. Otherwise, if you just enter the car, what's going to happen? You're going to crash the car. And this is what's happening. Many couples are entering marriage, they have no idea about their roles as a husband, as a wife. They have no idea about the opposite gender, and what is it you know, why does a man do what a man does? Why is he reacting this way? Why is she reacting this way? So it's very important to have an understanding and tonight inshallah to Allah, I want to share with you some very, very important advice. Now let's begin and sort of the
Allah subhanho wa Taala talks about the Institute of marriage. In verse 21. Allah subhanho wa Taala says wamena tea and Haleakala Khun Minh and fusi come as virgin bitter schooner, la wa Jalla, Bina Kumar
and from amongst his signs is that he created for you, spouses for you from your own kind, so that you may live in tranquility with them, and he has put between you both, that is between the husband and wife, my wife, and Rama, love and mercy. Love and Mercy are the two foundations for the success of a relationship, love and mercy. And the owner Matt said that my word that means hub, which means love. But actually the word my word, the means and a deep love, whereby spouses should have a deep love towards each other. Now the Arabic Arabic language is an amazing language and you can really
and read the meanings of a word through its sounds. So for example, the word for love is hug.
And it's made up of two letters, the letter
and the letter Beth and her if we if we, if we think about its pronounciation it comes from within
and it's like a sigh You know, when
a wife misses her, her husband and she has this side
you know, so it starts so comes from within, and the bat the bat is produced how with the lips. Now what are the lips useful? The lips are used for kissing. And this is Jani. We know that kissing is an expression of what is an expression of love hub. I don't know if you can do this in the English language with the word love depends I guess on how you put your teeth in and lips together.
But in any case,
is a verb
for there to be love in your marriage. They need to be contributions, there needs to be installments from both the husband and the wife and there needs to be Rockman mercy. Islam is built upon Rama and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, era Hammond fill up your humble comfy summer show compassion to the ones on the earth on the earth and the one above the heavens meaning Allah will show
compassion and mercy towards you.
And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, are Ruhama we are hamdulillah that those who showed compassion, Allah subhanahu wa taala will show them compassion or rohana oh you're humble whom Allah. So today inshallah Allah tala, we are talking about love.
Now much has been written by Muslim scholars about love about my word death, about hope.
One of the scholars have an underdose in heaven. Mahima will love you to Allah. He was one of the scholars of the fourth century. And he is
mainly a writer in theology and law and he produced some 400 works, an amazing scholar. And he is the author of a book, a very famous book, taco. Taco Hama is a book that talks all about love. And it's been translated into English several times in, you find it on the internet, and it is called the ring of the dove, on the art of love, the ring of the dove on the art of love.
Now, what does he say about love? He says, of love. May Allah exalt you the first part is jesting. And if the first part of his jokes, it's joking around,
and the last part is earnestness, so majestic, Eretz, diverse aspects. They are too subtle to be described. Their reality can only be apprehended by personal experience.
And he goes on and he says, Love is neither. Love is neither disapproved by religion, nor prohibited by the law, for every heart is in Allah's hands.
He mentioned something else that is very beautiful.
In speaking of love, he said, Love is a baffling ailment.
Its remedy is in strict accord with the degree to which it is treated. And it is a delightful illness.
A most desirable sickness, who desires sickness but love is like the sickness.
And then he goes on and he says, Whoever is free of it likes not to be immune and whoever is struck down by it, yearns not to recover and will not you will not understand these words unless you have been in love yourself.
So we find and hamdulillah in the deen of Islam, you find great scholars who have written about the topic of love,
like ignore it, and he has a book called The to the mushy bean, which is garden of the lovers. And we have for example, Allah has le he has a book, Addabbo, nica, the proper conduct of marriage, and Elijah has a book you tap on the cell. So don't think my dear brothers and my sisters in Islam, don't think of love as being something indecent.
That love is actually natural. That it's a human passion and a universal language.
And it's very serious.
Now, love, as we said is a verb. If you want happiness in your marriage, it's not going to just rain down. It's like for example, if you have a garden, if you want some fruit and vegetables from your garden, you need to tend to your garden, you need to fertilize, you need to water them, you need to take out the weeds. Love is like your car. When you have a car, or marriage is like your car when you have your car. You have to service your car from time you have to attend to your car. You have to change the tires changed the oil chair fill out up and top it up with water.
So it's like your body. You need to look after your body. Likewise married many people are not looking after their marriage and it's having some serious problems.
So let us talk about some of the love stories in pre Islamic times. I want to start with the story of Antara and Abdullah
was in slavery for some time and he was a dark skinned man, a black men
and he knew Adler and Adler was not that skilled, and her father would not allow Antara
To marry her for those reasons.
So, I'm Tara, he wanted to prove himself to her family, to her father.
And so he wanted to prove that he was the most worthy man to marry, who to marry.
And so he became the strongest man in his tribe, just to prove himself.
And he proved himself by facing many challenges. He had to go through lots of challenges. And then he overcame all of these challenges. Through his determination and through strength, and chivalry, and in in the end, he ended up marrying who he married Abner. This is one story that has been mentioned.
Another story that is narrated to us by Omar epinal hapa, the loved one who
is the story of Aruba, and Astra, Aruba, and afra. Now, they also lived during the pre Islamic period in Jay Z.
And they were cousins.
And they grew up with each other, and they loved each other. So I spoke to his uncle about proposing about proposing for his daughter.
And initially he accepted.
And then what happened.
He sets off to make some money. Now he has to make some money to come back to marry, I thought.
And so in the meantime, what happens, somebody comes, and a very wealthy man comes, and he proposes to her family. And her father accepts to marry her to her. To this meant it is very wealthy men.
You know what happened next, when he came back, and he heard the news,
on about your loved one who
he says that if he was living during the time of Ottawa, and I thought he would help make this marriage possible. So it's very, very important. If we know about two people that want to get married, then it is
important to help them get married, and not be an obstacle, especially if we have a problematic family.
And this is part of loving for your brother, and loving for your sister what you love for yourself, and not allowing shaitan to become between them. And for them to fall into the harem.
There is a another story. And that is the story of Xavier been probably a loved one who will.
And he is one of the scribes of the way, one of those who recorded the Quran.
he led the janessa pray for a man who had died from being in love, that his excessive love caused his grief and sorrow, which probably led to his death. And then some people complained. Some people complain about why he led the prayer of a person who died out of excessive love.
And so he said in near him to who he said I had mercy. This is the Rockman that Allah subhanho wa Taala has instilled in within us, India him to who I had mercy towards him.
And so again, sometimes this love is something it's very hard to control. Now let's fast track to the time of the Prophet salallahu it he was sending
the prophets of Allah Almighty He was selling. He loved Khadija de la Mancha
and Mr. Mousavi Rama who Allah Allah Allah. He said that the first recognized love in Islam is the love of Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam towards Khadija. This is the first recognized love in Islam.
And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
He said regarding her deja vu, a loved one. How about her? He said in the ruzic to hook by her that Allah bless me with love towards
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he never shied away from admitting the love that he had for Asia.
One day, one of the Sahaba came to Him. And He said to him, yeah, rasulillah who is most beloved to you?
And who did he say? He said, I
love your loved one.
So the question I asked again, he said who from amongst them in? Now listen to the response of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
He said he didn't say Abu Bakar that's the Father. But he said Abu Hamza, her father. So when he referred to Abu Bakar, he referred to alberca through her through harsh about the loved one Ha, ha ha, which shows how much love he had for our Sharia law one.
And we have for example, masroor who was a Tabby
whenever he used to the rate from IE Chateau de Allahu wa, so he would say on the authority of is the meaning of the Allahu Allah, a severe cubbon to Subic Habiba Torah so Lila, the love of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he died. His last moments were between the arms of I shall be a loved one.
She said, The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he died in my house. On the day of my turn while he was leaning on my chest closer, closer to my neck, and Allah made my saliva mix with his saliva.
Ayesha added Abdul Rahman came with the silhouette and the Prophet was too weak to use it. So I took it and chewed it and then gave it to him and he cleansed his teeth with it.
There are many incidents that show true love of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam with Ayesha
One day, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, for example.
I shot a loved one hahaha comes to him. And this shows how women one of the important things that we'll talk about is reassurance how women need reassurance of the love that the husband has towards his wife. So he says to him, okay, for Haku Kalia Rasool Allah, how is your love towards me are rasulillah
he says to her hug, be lucky, that will happen. That my love towards you is like the knot of a rope, meaning it is tight, it is firm. And so later on, she comes to him and she says, Yeah, Rasool Allah was a fellow rock that will end. And how is the knot right now you're rasulillah. And he says to her camera here. It is, as it was before, it's still strong, and it's still tight.
And he goes on and he gives her some more beautiful words, saying to her that you know that nothing harms me. Nothing. Nothing affects me knowing that you will be my wife in general. It gives her beautiful words.
One day, I shall be a loved one. How about her was drinking from a cup. And she passes the cup to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And he asked so where did you drink from?
And she says, I drank from here. And so he places his lips on the very spot that I had drunk drunk from.
This is a sign of true love.
In another incident, I shut the alarm when he
was chewing meat from a bone. And again he eats from the very spot that I do love on her what our Baha was eating from
and so the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam
did not shy away from showing his love towards the loved one.
From articulating his love towards her because my dear brothers and my dear sisters in Islam,
it is often the words that are left unspoken that leave the hearts broken.
And that's why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said when you love somebody go and inform them, tell them that you love them.
So much so that we have a response to this. When somebody tells you in knee or hip buka filler. You say to them a hug baccala who led the baptism and actually
you told them that about the love that you have.
So and hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen This love is from Allah subhanho wa Taala and it is Allah subhanho wa Taala who is the Turner of the hearts and sapan Allah you will find that some individuals they love others and he think you know, others may look at that person and say what is there in this person? One of the beautiful things about the love that Allah subhanaw taala puts in the hearts is that
He makes that person see beautiful traits and beautiful attributes about that person that no other person can see.
So, Allah subhanho wa Taala he turns the hearts yamaka balko Lupita Allah Dini, this is a beautiful, always asking Allah to make your heart steadfast.
During the time of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we have the story of movies and burrier
movies was and burry Barrera was a slave.
And movies was her husband Barrera was set free. So she had the choice to stay with him or not to stay with him.
So she decided not to stay with him. She didn't want to be with him. And movies. And the narrator of this hadith is urban at best and we find this hadith in Sahih Bukhari
and if an Ibis speaks of how Mui would follow Bari era, in the streets and his weeping, he said, as if I can see him and he's raising his hand he Mohave is chasing after barriers. And he wants to be with him. He has a lot of love for her. But she does not want to be with him. So, he comes to her. He comes to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
He comes to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam to intercede for him to go to Iran, and say to him, to say to her, some good words, some kind words, perhaps her heart,
perhaps her heart will soften up towards movies.
And so when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he comes to her and He intercedes.
She says, your rasulillah are you commanded me to go back to him?
He said, I am merely trying to intervene on his behalf. I'm not commending you. I'm just coming to intervene.
So then she said, therefore I have no need for him. If you're commanding me, if you are commanding me, then I will obey your command.
This is the true love of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. It's when you hear that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam commanded to do something, then we do it without thinking about it without thinking whether we should or we shouldn't.
Otherwise you have gone against the commandment, Allah azza wa jal.
Allah subhanho wa Taala says oil. In contrast to a boon Allah has said Tabby Rooney your PIP como la se if you love Allah, follow me. Allah will love you. We're talking about love tonight. If you love Allah, follow me. He didn't say he didn't say love me. Because loving the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is a mandate it's compulsory for every Muslim, actually for every human to love the Prophet Mohammed Salah, love it he was saying
and the true love is in the obedience.
And that's why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and other Hadith he said Fela soon, man couldn't fee he was at the Halawa to the man, three traits, if they are found in a person, they will have tasted the sweetness of Amen. The sweetness of faith, to love Allah and His Messenger more than anything else.
That you love Allah that means you follow the commands of Allah azza wa jal
and to love the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam means to follow in his footsteps and to follow the Sunnah
and to love a person, purely for the sake of Allah,
and to hate to turn to disbelief just as you would hate to be thrown into the fire.
If you have these three traits, then you will taste the sweetness of a man because he man has a sweetness, it has a high level.
So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
he says to at best, he says to in our best, our best. He says,
Do you not find it strange? Don't you find it strange? How much movies loves Barrera and how much Barrera hates movie
but the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam did not.
Yani he did not look down at any situation. He tried to help. He always tried to help and this is one lesson that we
Learn from the story that when you know somebody needs your help, even if it's in this type of situations, then we should help just as the Prophet salallahu alaihe was setting them deep.
So how can we ensure that we have true love in our marriage? True Love My dear brothers and sisters in Islam begins with finding a spouse that is triple M. Triple m means Muslim marriage material.
That's what we want inshallah, we want to triple M.
We want somebody who is a dude, who is well you would,
what would means somebody who is of a loving nature, while it means somebody who is able to have children to bear children, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said,
he said, Teresa, would you allude olowalu for in nimue Catherine become and oh mama Yamanaka young. He said getting married to the woman who is loving has a loving nature,
who is elude who is able to have children for I will display you out numbering of the other nations on the Day of Judgment. The profit that will come with the most number of following on the Day of Judgment is Prophet Mohammed Salah love while he was sitting, there will be no other prophet with a following like that of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
marry somebody that will help you to get to gender.
marry somebody that shares your goals that has the same interest as you.
So this is very important when looking for a wife. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said a woman is married for four qualities to Morocco. Let
me marry her when he has her be her Wally J. Wiley Gemini, her Wiley Dini. Ha that a woman may be married for her wealth, she might have a lot of money.
What he has said we have for her lineage she comes from a good a good lineage a good background.
While he, Germany, her for her for her beauty.
And for her Deen and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Go for the one with the deen and you will prosper for the father be that Dini Terry butcher that
go for the one with the dean. And so every wife should strive to be a righteous wife. Every woman should strive before getting married to be a righteous, pious woman. Because Subhanallah if you were to ask any men, whether he is on the dean or not, what type of a woman do you want? He will always say I want a righteous wife. That's the nature of a men no matter how corrupt or evil he may be. Every man wants a righteous wife. So that's why it's up to every woman to strive to be a righteous woman. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, A dunya and Mata were Pharaoh Metairie, dunya and Morocco salejaw. This world is a place of joy. And the greatest joy is a righteous way.
And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said hiren nissa II Manta su Luca observed, the best of women is the one who brings joy to you when you look at when you look at her taqwa. When you look at her piety, when you look at her righteousness, and his steadfastness
when it comes to a husband, what should a woman be looking for? Again? The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has outlined this. He said either komentar Dona Dena Whoo hoo lukaku faza we do inlanta fallu takuan fitna tune fill out the facade when Ali Baba. He said, If a suta if a man comes to you, and you are pleased with two things, with his Deen and with his left two things, he didn't mention anything else in this Howdy. Deena who were for Luca who was a widow, give him give your daughter in marriage to this man.
In lambda falou if you do not do this talkin fitness will fill up, there will be a fitness, there will be tribulation on this earth. And a great deal of a facade when I leave. We're fury warrior Kabir.
So it's very important. We need to
Tear down the walls of, of racism or he is from he needs to be from, you know, my nationality from my background from my city from my town.
This is all Danny from the traits of Jay Hillier is tribalism, this nationalism.
So it is very important for a man to have Deen and to have the o'clock to have the good manners. Because you find that some men, they have been. They're committed to the masjid. They're committed to the Sunnah, in, in, in many aspects. But when it comes to their work and their dealings, they don't know how to deal with people.
Now, when you come to get married, it's very important to remember, one of the things that will help you nurture the love is that when you get married, you actually you are marrying three people.
You are marrying the person who they are.
You are marrying the person who you think they are. And you are marrying the person who they are because they are married to you.
That's what happens. people's personalities adjust because they are married,
or their lifestyle or their ways.
This is something that you need to prepare for.
Beware of the elusive love the Romeo and Juliet type of love. This is the elusive love. And some people they said that even you know Romeo and Juliet, they never ended up getting married. And then some some said, some Westerners said that if they did get married, they probably would have ended up in divorce A few months later.
So, again, it's very important to be to be to be aware of also the in love syndrome.
And one scientist that I read an article for, he said that the romantic love usually lasts for one year.
And then love becomes more stable. So you find that yes, just because the flame of love in the beginning was quite intense. And then it sort of becomes just a little bit more moderate or stable. It doesn't mean that that person loves you any less. It's just the nature of relationships. In the beginning, like anything, if you buy a new car, if you buy a new toy, if you buy anything, the novelty wears out. And this is something that you shouldn't be disappointed about.
One very important
factor is not to expect too much. And the first year, or the first two years of a marriage are considered the most exciting, but the most challenging part of your relationship.
it's very important as you approach your marriage to be prepared to compromise. That's very important.
As a very important word that we're going to talk about later inshallah to Allah, one of the words that you need to include in your marital or in your marriage vocab is compromise.
the number one reason for divorce in the first few months in marriages, in many in many marriages, actually, the number one reason that divorce that takes place in the very beginning of a relationship is due to expectations. Where a spouse has entered the relationship with very high expectations or a fixed template. They think they expect this and they expect that and when they don't see that they get disappointed. And they think this marriage is not for me. So it is very important not to have very high expectations. You're expecting your wife or your husband to do things in a certain way.
what happens is that some husbands, you know, they expected that they're going to marry a Sahabi or they're going to marry a 40 year and some women they are expecting to marry a Sahabi a companion
and so they get disappointed very very quickly.
So it is very important My dear brothers and sisters in Islam when you enter marriage, be prepared for the ups and downs. And by simply being prepared for the ups and downs of a marriage, you've already won half of the battle.
Expect the unexpected
Otherwise you can get disappointed very quickly. Now, I want to move on to another very important word and that is adjustment, be prepared to make adjustments, that it is about given take.
Now, what I want to really focus on today are three very important ingredients that contribute to an outstanding marriage number one, the first one is kokkola
is to make Eliza gel a priority in your life. Because all of our successes and all of our happiness comes from Allah azza wa jal. He is the one who decrees this.
Allah subhanahu Wata, Allah says, monogamy lasallian means acquiring our own sir. Well, who am I known? for that? No, no, who is
that whoever does righteous deeds male or female, and he's a believer, we will grant them a godly life
outside of righteous deeds. Amen.
When you combine these two together, you will have a righteous and a goodly life that you are looking for. Allah subhanahu wa Tada. He says, We're Mija tequila hijjah Allah hoomin, unreal. Sora. Whoever has the taqwa of Allah, Allah will make his affairs easy for him. In another verse, Allah says, while mania, tequila hijjah, Allahu Maharaja,
that whoever has the taqwa of Allah, the reverence of Allah, the fear of Allah azza wa jal, he provides a way out, meaning a way out of difficulty and hardship.
And that's why it's very important if things are not going well in your relationship, to check your relationship with Allah subhanahu wa taala.
Especially the seller,
because the seller is the link between you and Allah. When the Salah is missing, the link is missing.
And the stronger your link is with Allah, the stronger your link will be with your family members and with the people that are around.
And when we engage in sin, and when we engage in transgressing the limits that Allah subhanho wa Taala has has set. That's when things become very difficult because Allah subhanho wa Taala says,
when a Saba can mean mercy, but in fabby Mikasa, but he can wait for an Kafeel, that whatever of misfortune befalls you is due to what your own hands have earned, and yet he pardons much.
And so we really really need to focus on the solid. Why am I saying solid? Because when Allah subhana wa Ireland
speaks of divorce and rules and regulations related to follow up divorce in Surah tillbaka admits these verses there is a verse
that studied many scholars, because there is a a verse Weber Allah subhana wa tada Allah says, Have you boo, Allah Salatu was Salam ala spa, maintain the press.
And the owner, may they deduce from this, that it's as if Allah subhanho wa Taala is giving us a clue, a hint, that if you fall short in your solar in your
obligation towards Allah Subhana Allah to Allah, Allah will try you within your own relationship.
And so one of the first questions that I asked any couple that I counsel,
one of the first questions that I asked them is, how is your relationship with Allah?
Because if your relationship with Allah is not good, then just go away, fix it up in sha Allah, your relationship will be fixed up. That's the starting point. But that isn't always the case, but it does exist in many cases.
So we find, for example, a seller for silent our pious predecessors, they would say in ni la silla her for Asada Lika for Hulu p for Hulu, k marotti. With Deb, Betty, look at how they look at sins. They said, I would disobey Allah,
only to find the effects of that sin in the behavior of my wife, and in the behavior of my riding annum in their transportation.
They blame their sins for the way their spouse treated them.
That's why we need to abandon since they are destructive
They are humiliating to a person.
And so, my dear brothers and sisters in Islam, the first very important ingredient
for a successful marriage is to have a strong connection with Allah azza wa jal number two
is to fulfill your obligations as a husband and as a wife,
Allah subhanahu wa to Allah.
He wired us, engineered us, programmed us created us.
And Allah subhanahu wa taala he knows what is best for us. So we have regulations in place, how to conduct yourself as a husband, what is your responsibility? What are the rights of your wife, what are the rights of your husband?
So it's very important before you get married, to learn about your duties, to learn about your obligations, because
we learn that if a Muslim cannot give or fulfill the rights
of their spouse, if they cannot fulfill their the rights of their spouse, it becomes haram to get married.
You see when it comes to marriage,
in which we will learn in the course tomorrow inshallah to Allah, that sometimes, marriage is obligatory, it's wedging, sometimes it is mobile, sometimes. Sometimes it is when sometimes it is makrooh. Sometimes it is haram.
And sometimes, so sometimes it's actually haram if you cannot fulfill the rights and the duties that are mandated upon you, towards your spouse. So learn about learn about your duties. So for example, as a husband, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said could look on Raw in Baku, look
at that, all of you. He said all of you are shepherd, and all of you are responsible for your flock. We all have a duty in looking after our spouse, or loved ones, every single husband to treat his wife with kindness. Allah subhanho wa Taala says, well as she wrote
and treat women with kindness. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, a believing man does not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of the characteristics, he should be pleased with the other characteristics.
And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Hi eurocom hydrocone Allah wa hydrocone Ali, the best of you is the one who is best to his and his wife, his wives, his family, and I am the best to my family. That's what our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said over 1400 years ago, you as a husband have a duty of karma of financial You are the provider, you are the caretaker. You are the one that is responsible in looking after your wife.
As for the wife, yes. Because of this leadership role that the husband has, in return she has she must give him respect. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said, and every wife every woman must memorize this hadith.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, either sala tilma, Tecumseh, wasa Matura were happy that Fallujah were apart soldier her kilala her regenda terminalia of wabi harshit tea, if a woman praise her five priests, and she first her month, the month of Ramadan, and she maintains her chastity and she is obedient towards her husband, it will be said to her intergender through whichever of the gates you wish to enter through this hadith is exclusive to our sisters.
And so it's very, very important for a woman to give that respect towards her husband inshallah, who Thailand that I will talk about in a moment.
And so Pamela, we find that even non Muslims today, even non Muslims of the Western world have written books that are based on study that are based on research based on analysis, conceding that when the wife is obedient, that when the wife is beautiful, that when the wife is respectful towards her husband, that this would lead towards a very healthy marriage.
One book that comes to my mind, is a book by an author called love.
doyal she has a book, it's entitled The surrendered wife. And there are many, many Western women, women in the West who are yearning in favor of this book, and who follow these teachings. And these are teachings that we find that go way before Laura Doyle, when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said for every woman to be respecting, and obey her husband.
And so every woman should learn about her duties towards her husband. Now, the third area that I want to talk about is a very interesting area. And it's an area that many Muslims have, have underestimated or unmindful of, and that is understanding the opposite gender.
Understanding that males and females are different, and the more you can understand the opposite gender, the the better you will have an understanding of your relationship, the better you will have an understanding of your very self.
And and hamdulillah much theory has gone into this.
we have for example,
we have a verse in the Quran. Allah subhanho wa Taala says, when they said that Kuru can onset, and the male is not like the female,
we are different biologically, physiologically, neurologically, psychologically, we are different. It's not about who is better, or who is not.
It's about that Allah subhanahu Wata island has blessed males, and has blessed females with skills with abilities with strength, that he has not blessed the other way. And so it's not about competing with one another, but it's about completing one another, we complete one another.
And so we find because we are wired differently, our very brains are wired differently.
You know, when we talk about the brain, having the left side and the right side, men are using more the left side of their brain.
And women are using the right side of the brain, and each has their own unique functions.
a lot of study has gone into this.
If you think about the Olympic Games, when we think about the Olympic Games, males compete with males and females are competing with females, that's because they have their physical differences. So there are biological differences, physiological differences, and psychological differences.
And, for example, we have a book, a very famous book. And that is men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. It's like the author is saying it's like we are from two different planets sometimes.
And there are other books that have been written about these actually, this book was translated into has been translated into the Arabic language
because of its benefits.
So what are some of these
these differences that we'll talk about today inshallah hold time.
Now another on a light note, once a child said to his father, he says that, I heard that in such and such a country, that wives
they don't, that, that that the, he said that.
That he that wives don't get to know
their money, their spouse, their husband until they get married.
And so the father says to him, son, that happens in every country. So what happens is that Yoni Subhana Allah many times you don't get to know somebody until you actually marry them.
Now, today, inshallah Allah tala, I just had a few examples that I wanted to share with you.
Some of the ways in which we differ as males and females.
Now men's brains are configured to do one thing at a time.
And what what has been said about this, or research agrees that men's brains are specialized, or they say they're compartmentalised.
So most men will tell a woman what I can only do one thing at a time.
Okay, and so this is now we want our sisters to help us out. To take it easy on us as males. We cannot multiskilled the way a woman does. So Pamela you will find that a woman you know she can be on the
phone with a baby, you know, in her hand, and she's on the end at the oven, and she's cooking. And she's doing all of this at once, once with no effort, no problem whatsoever. The men, on the other hand, find this very problematic.
Again, this is just the way that Allah subhana wa gyla created us.
You know, I remember, for example, I don't know if this is something that
we have navigators these days.
But back in the times when, when we had these street directories, you know, if I remember from myself, you know, if I was looking for a street fighter, if I had the radio one, okay, I would pull over, I take out the street directory to look to look for the street, what's the first thing that I would do was what turned down the radio.
Why? Because my brain cannot handle as a male, I find it very difficult to be doing to be listening to the radio and to be looking for directions. In in many times, for example, my wife says to me, you know, she's talking to me, and I said to her, hold on, hold on. And she says to me, what's wrong? I said to her, I'm just doing this, because what do you have to stop for? You know, so I can't, I can't do two things at once. You should know this by now. You know. So, so Pamela, is, this is the way we are,
you know, some people might be better
at this than others, but women are very good at this. Also another issue that we have, you know, we find, for example, that women need to talk about their problems, women like to talk about it.
And men don't.
Now, when a man has had a day filled with problems,
his brain is programmed in such a way he's actually able to index them. He indexes his problems, and he puts them on hold. Right now with women,
they're not able to do this. The only way a woman can get rid of the problem is to talk about it.
We're different. They like to talk about their problems. Okay, so therefore, when a woman talks at the end of the day, what is her objective? Her objective is to discharge her problems. She's not looking for solutions. And this way, this is where as men, we get it wrong.
We think that she's asking us for solutions to what she's talking about. She just wants to discharge them, and she wants somebody to listen to her.
So why do women? Why do women love to talk for a woman, the purpose of speech is to build relationships and to make friends. For men. Speech isn't just about relating the facts. That's what we you know, and the classic example is a telephone. A telephone for men
is a communication tool for relating facts, and in an information to other people. That's what we use it for. Right? Now, a woman on the other hand, she sees a telephone as a bonding tool. Okay, and a woman can spend so Pamela, she spends the whole day with her best friend shopping, right? And then she comes home, and she gets on the phone with her with the very best friend for the next two hours.
That's the way Allah subhanahu attallah created Adam and Eve.
Okay, so again,
it's very important to understand that that's how it is Carla many times, my wife listens to my conversations. And she says to me, it's incredible how you can have a conversation within 30 seconds, and you're done.
And sometimes she gets on the phone, and I'd be in a hurry, for example. I said, Please make a quick, and then you know, and then she says, No, I can't do that. I'll go on. She goes, I'm not like you. You know, as women, it takes us time. You know, there's a, you know, like entree and then the main meal and then
you know, with your conversations, you know, as men, we can just get on the phone set the facts in Santa Monica. It's a done deal. So again, we're different on the topic of mobile phones. They say that women are like mobile phones.
They like to be handled. They like to be touched. They like to be spoken to but if you push the wrong buttons that will hang up on you.
So be careful. Be careful with your, with your wife. They're very fragile. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. When he spoke about women, he said Rifkin, Bill kawari. He said Take it easy on the fragile vessels. Now women for example, they think aloud.
So, if a man has to carry out for example, a list of say five things right?
He will say, you know, I've got to do some things, and I'll see you later.
Now a woman, on the other hand, with verbalize all these items out loud, she say, you know, I've got a, you know, birth a child, I've got to cook the meal, I've got to go pick up my son, I've got to initiate Actually, that's how they have a think aloud. And they actually go through the specifics.
Now, there is a downside to this. Because when a woman is thinking out loud,
the husband interprets this as words, that maybe she's looking for
solutions. Maybe she's looking for a way to fix these problems that she might be talking about, and she is so something to save yourself in Sharla a lot of Jani guesswork is just listen, listening to your wife is a very, very powerful, very, very powerful without making Jani those
you know, contributions towards her. Now,
a British Medical Association report that I came across, reported that women are four times more likely to suffer with jaw problems. Four times more likely.
Okay. Now, what's interesting to note is the number of words that a male will speak in a day compared to the number of words a female will speak.
Studies have shown that women's daily average words to relate their messages is 20,000 words per day.
And the men's average words per day is 7000.
Right? So now what happens? What happens is this,
the husband is used up is 7000 words, and he comes home. And let's say for example, the wife didn't have a good social day because her mobile phone was down. Right? So she has 20,000 words she has to exhaust she's probably exhausted about three. And you the poor husband, you come home exhausted. Okay, who do you think is going to cop the 17,000 words?
Alright, so this is what happens. So it's very important inshallah, to Allah, to just listen, don't offer any solutions, okay, and just listen to her inshallah hota. Island.
I want to talk about also men. When it comes to problems and men men, again, they like to just basically
take some time out, they like to go into a cave. Okay, they like to go into a cave. And men tend to get silent. Because again, remember the nature of a woman is that when she has a problem, she talks about it. Now, the husband on the other side, on the other hand is more, he gets more reserved. So what happens? When the man is not speaking? She interprets it according to a woman. Why isn't he speaking? There must be a problem. He's not saying anything about it. Because women normally talk. So she says that he's hiding something from him. He's hiding, you must tell me now. Talk to me. Now. You know, what we say to our sisters, we say to him, we say to him, give him time out. Because men
are like rubber bands. No matter how far you pull the rubber band back, what's going to happen? It's going to, it's going to come back, the rubber band will come back. And that's how men are men, they just like some time now and they'll come back to you. But just give them their space. Don't chase him to the door if he wants to have you know, walk out and have a breather.
You know, have you ever seen the statue of Rodin's thinker that that statue of the man is thinking? That's how men are we just we think too much? Okay, always thinking and analyzing and, you know, analyzing the world and how are we going to, you know, take over and what have you.
Okay, so we are right, so, Rodin's thinker is thinking that if you see if you see the picture, if you see the statue, this Rodin's thinker, it's high. You know, it's, it's up to him. He's, in other words, stay down. I don't want anyone to come up here. You know, oh, come down when I'm ready. It's very important to give you an amenity space. So
it is also very important, I want to conclude on this point, because we are running out of time to communicate in the languages of love.
That love has many languages. And it's very important to understand the language that your spouse understands as being loved.
So for example, if you go to go
To a certain country that doesn't speak English, and you want to make sure that you have an effective and a good experience with that country, what are you going to do? Are you going to speak to them in English? No, you're going to learn their language.
And so it's very important, as a husband and wife to understand what is the definition of love, from a woman's perspective? What is the definition of love from a man's perspective, and then go and communicate in those languages of love. So it could be for example, it could be just acknowledgement, it could be saying, for example, just just a level halen, just second level, higher, may Allah compensate you with goodness.
So, words of affirmation and compliments, are very, very powerful. It could be quality time that you spend with each other. It could be for example, gifts, exchanging gifts, it could be servicing your household,
family members, it could be a physical touch.
So you need to communicate to your spouse, what your definition of love is. And this is a problem that we find that many spouses have not understood, many years later, what is it that their spouse? How is it that their spouse defines love? Recently, I was counseling a couple
who have been married for five years. And during this session, I said to the husband, what do you think it is that you that your wife wants the most in this relationship? And he said something, I turned to her and I said to her, is that right? She said, No.
And then I asked her the same question. And I turned to him, and I said, is that right? And he said, No.
Five years later, they do not know what it is that the other person is yearning for the most. A very simple five minutes of conversation could have solved this problem. Because everybody has a different different Jani
language expectations or any languages of love, that they understand.
But what does it come down to what are the gurus say? They said that pretty much at the end of the day, it comes down to two things. Every wife wants love and attention.
Every one wife wants love and attention. And every husband wants respect. That's what they say.
So when it comes to respect,
is very, very important, again, to understand and not to trivialize respect, because respect is not just
it's an actual attitude. Respect is an attitude. And so when a woman respects her husband, you she will find that this is the way that he will, this is the way to extract the love from him.
So if a woman wants love, then she must give the husband respect.
And if he wants respect, then he should be giving her love. So it works both ways. And somebody needs to break the cycle. If it's not happening, see what happens. Sometimes. The wife says, you know, I'm waiting, I'm not gonna, I'm not going to respect him until he starts to give me more attention and love. And he says, I'm not going to love her until she gives me more respect. Where are we going? So it's a cycle, someone needs to break it. So there are different ways of showing your husband respect. It could be by just simply making him feel like he has the authority that Allah azza wa jal gave him. Aveda Lu, una Allah Nisa that men are the caretakers, they are the
providers. They are providers for the Nisa for the women. So give make him feel that he has that authority. That's one form one way of respecting your husband. Another way is don't doubt his judgment. Don't doubt his ability, even if he might be wrong. Okay, and don't make him feel like a child
in the middle of challenges, so give him a chance to prove, you know, to prove himself.
Another way of showing him respect is by not deflating his ego. Don't make him feel like you're a fool. That's something that's also very damaging.
Another one is your tone, the way you talk to your husband, your choice of words, that is also very important.
Another way of showing,
showing him respect is
when you come with your problems is choosing the right time. So Pamela, how much do husbands hated when they've had a long day at work. And as soon as they walk in through the door, hey, we've got the bill today for the electricity, and the washing machine is broken, and the fridge is broken, and your child has an accent, she gives him all this list.
And all these problems all at once. So really, it's about choosing the time as well, that's a form of respecting your husband, choosing the right time. Also, praise your men. Men love praise. And they can never get enough of it.
Believe me, they can never get enough of it. That's the way we created as males. We love praise, we love acknowledgement, you know, especially your husband's gone to the gym, he's done a workout, Mashallah. Look at those guns,
look at that physique, it feels good, make him That's alright, pump up his ego, okay, and we'll let you know who's gonna be the winner, you are going to be the winner system, you will be the winner. So give Him praise, it's very important to praise him in his face, praise him towards his family, praise him to his friends, and watch your husband, watch how will be towards you. Give him that praise.
And ensure that you can show him respect. Of course, if you have wronged your husband, then it's very important to show remorse, and to show regret. And to get rid of pride. That's something that your husband will love.
So it is very important to have that respect, and the different ways of showing the respect towards
your husband. And there are different ways of showing love towards Okay, your wife.
So, an hamdu, lillahi, Rabbil alameen.
I want to end up with these five ingredients that another research that I came across speaks about which ingredients for a successful marriage, they said number one was respect. Number two is understanding. Which means understand that males and females are different, that we're not photocopies of each other,
that each fingerprint is unique. We are unique individuals. Number three, compromise, compromise in your relationship, be prepared to give and take in your relationship. Number four, have a positive attitude at all times. Don't be a winner, don't be always nagging. That's very ugly. It really is something that is not beautiful. So, so it's very Taylor positive attitude. If you think about the people that you look up to most in your life, you will see that they are positive individuals, they have positive traits, be that positive person towards your spouse, and to have a sense of humor, just as we saw with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam when he was in the middle of the desert
without a shadow of the yellow one.
And he says to the boys, he says to the Sahaba move forward, and he has a race with Alisha. And I should beat him in the race. And many years later, when I should have put on some weight. And he says to her Do you want to race and they have a race and the profits of a lot while he was selling them he beats her in the race. And he says to her this one for that one. He was always nurturing the love using the products I sell him wanted to compete with her to show her Hey, I'm better than you. He's always watering, that love that they have between them both. And I'll leave you with this verse. Allah subhanho wa Taala says hoonah reverse when luck home were untimely births when lavon
that your wife, your wives,
your wives are like garments for you the husbands and you the husbands are garments for them.
Allah subhanho wa Taala he compares our relationships or the relationship between a husband and a wife to what to a government. If you think about your clothes, your clothes that you choose, they suit your body. They suit your personality. They suit your belief, they suit your background.
I cannot wear certain clothing that other people wear it doesn't go with my personality with my background with
My faith is number one. Your clothing, they hide things. They hide things that you don't want other people to see. They cover blemishes, they cover your outer your clothing give you warmth, your clothing, they give you security maybe like an armor if you're worried and a piece of armor.
So this is the relationship between the husband and but between the wife like guns, as Allah subhanho wa Taala has said
and inshallah Hosanna These are the words I leave you with. And Allah subhanho wa Taala knows best or sallallahu selama or Baraka, and it'd be