Channel: Bilal Dannoun
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Happy wife happy life. Happy spouse. Happy house. Today I'm here to discuss all things marriage with none other than the love Dr. Chef, Bilal ternoon. How you feeling chef? And hamdulillah? I'm a bit nervous. Nervous. Yeah. For those that don't know, Chef Bilal, he's a marriage celebrant, you can find him on Facebook, a marriage counselor. And to my knowledge, he's also unfortunately, a divorce facilitator. Now, that's something we probably want to go there, but maybe not not so soon. Yeah, we can pack up for now can pocket shift? Happy Valentine's Day? He's here. Yeah, we're actually releasing this on Valentine's Day. I know. It'd be awkward. But it was just a coincidence. This
wasn't meant to happen. But it just happens still celebrating this. Like, I think it's a big thing in high schools, I guess. I think it's still happening. Everyone's trying to chase after their Valentine trying to get that date, you know, sending them letters, I think, but it only happens in high schools, I don't think much, why can't they just go through the front door and just like, you know, totally print somebody to get married and get engaged. And then, you know, that's how it works. You know, unfortunately, August, we live in a time shift. And you know, very well that we live in a time where it's much easier to do the hot dog than to do the halat. If you want to do the
hot on what does it cost you $20 movie ticket done. You want to do the hell out. It's a headache, whatever happened, whatever, no pain, no gain, no pain, no gain.
I wanted to actually cross something with you, which I'm unfortunately seeing happening a lot, especially in our community, we're seeing a lot of people, I guess it's becoming more and more prevalent, where you have people that are well into their 30s. And they're still not married. And I guess it's somewhat of an epidemic, where people are really struggling to find parallel avenues to know one another, to get married. So, you know, where do we begin? Which way do we go? It's very difficult. Well, I think I think this is where there's a number of avenues. Be it word of mouth, be it you know, the parents actually, you know, reaching out to relatives, to, you know, heads of
organizations or centers or friends or, you know, word of mouth mouth is one avenue. But look, people, you know, made it unique people made it work people mate.
You know, at just stop. Yeah, meet at uni. Yes. You know, this is like the biggest taboo, right? Like meeting a girl at uni like this is it's got like, 100 red lights stuck on it right now. Okay, how can you speak to another girl at uni? Like? How do you manage like not to fall in Hold on, but at the same time to keep it harlot? What can't you? Why can't you just come up to and say, Hey, can I have your phone number? It's a bit awkward. Is that really going to work?
Well, you know, and if they're happy to ask for their phone number, what's wrong with asking for the wellyes phone number? Or loci? Of course, let's keep it real. I mean, you can always go through the friend, you know, the friend of a friend and say, Hey, you know, are you looking at getting married? There's somebody who's interested in meeting you, and would like to maybe compare your family visit? I mean, visiting a family just visiting to get to know the girl isn't commitment, it's just a question. So what are the boundaries when it comes to this? What exactly are the boundaries? Because you're going to want to have to have seen something before. So what are the boundaries when it comes
to? I guess, not necessarily interacting with the girl, but knowing that she's the right girl for me. So like observing from the I'm not saying stalking or anything like that, but like, like, you want to know if she's a good girl, right? So what are the boundaries when it comes to this? We've got to do your due diligence, you want to make sure that you're attracted to the person, there's no point I'm knocking on the door. If there's no attraction, or you don't even know how she looks. You don't know how she looks like someone's got to point her out?
Potentially, actually, it can cause more damage, correct? Yeah, yeah, it can damage her IQ and it may make it very disheartening for him. Yeah. So definitely, you know, attraction is very important. And when I say attraction, we're talking about, you know, Mr. or Mrs. Universe here. We're talking about, you know, there's got to be some, you know, chemistry there because one thing you can't manipulate chemistry if you're not attracted, well, you know, there's no point moving forward. But the problem is the brothers they want you know, I don't want to mention the names but they want like an alias, hollywood celebrity. They want you know, they're shooting so high. I think that's on the
dean, right. She's an alien and liberty of Maryam Allah hustler. Yeah, yeah. That's called holy line. It's not happening today. Rather, it's still happening today. I think, you know, asking and once you've moved beyond the attraction, you know, you know, I'm attracted to this person. Then, you know, getting to know that person.
through the front door, asking, you know, all the questions. And I think if a person is looking for a medium, you know, or for, you know, this example that you gave of,
yeah, then then it the person has to ask themselves, are they themself the type of person that this pious, you know, female is actually also looking for? Yeah. So, it works both ways. Yeah, he needs to look after himself and he also needs to look after his Deen. Like, there's no point in like, because you could potentially ruin her life. And we see this so often. You see, like, women have a lot like their woman of Allah, their servants of Allah, probably reading Quran, memorize the Quran, and then she married to someone who's like, misses a few prayers here and there, he damages her, like, all right, they, you know, you got married, but then they, you damaged her. And there's, I
guess there's that stigma or, you know, she's gonna change him, or he's gonna change her. And I don't feel like that happens. All right. Well, you know, absolutely. And let's always go back to basics. Let's go. Let's go back to the time of the prophet SAW Selim. And the prophet SAW Selim spoke about what to look for when it comes to a suitor. Yeah. And that is he said, either j or komentar. Dona Dena, who are Holika who that if a suitor comes to you, you're happy with their Deen and their mannerisms. And then, you know, give your daughter a marriage to this man. And if you don't do so, if we have this epidemic of not doing that, then there's going to be a fitna. There's
going to be you know, a fitna on this earth. And then so, so Dean is important. So we spoke about looks, the dean is important, and not only the dean, but the man is there there. There are brothers out there who have Dean but they really, you know, angry, angry. You know, their fuse blows real quickly, you know, and then when it comes to the, to the sisters, okay, let's see what the prophet SAW. Selim said. In one Hadith, he says, Yeah, a woman is married for, you know, for her beauty, for her lineage. You know, for her wealth and for her Deen and he said, Go for the one that has the deen and you will prosper. Does that mean they're the only four things that we look at? No, there are
other things in there are other Hadith that support and looking at the woman and ensuring that you're attracted to her? So what comes first?
I believe attraction comes first attraction comes first. Why is that? What's the point in talking about the dean if you're not attracted? Yeah, I You with me? Yeah. Because if you if we put Dean first then and then we put attraction, and then it's like, Alright, I've accepted her Dean. And then attraction comes in you put across, it's like, you've just not
been a bit. Yeah. It sounds as though what Dean comes for first Brother, you know, but I think we need to look at it. Well, is there an attraction there? Okay, yeah, I'm attracted. All right. Now let's, let's get let's get down to business, there's no need to get down a business if I'm not attractive in the first instance. Okay. And I'll be honest with you that there have been many brothers who have married for the sake of Dean and not being attracted, and unfortunately, have come across several cases where they've had to get a divorce, and even after children, because they realized that we're just never attracted that we're just
it's very, very sad that you say that, it actually comes back to the purpose of marriage, you know, handed out in my, you know, brief studies, we went through the purposes of marriages, and one of the purposes of marriage is whether we like to admit it or not, it's actually to protect the brother, you know, or protect the sister. So, if this woman, you know, he finds that solace, by living with her, he's going to be protected from his, you know, falling into sin, He won't be easily manipulated, you know, by an attractive, you know, member of the opposite gender or anything like that, because he has that solace in his heart, you know, almost sweet, you know, and she's protected
and she's safeguarded that aspect of his Deen from protecting him from falling into sin. So I guess it is very important, but at the same time, we never ever want to undermine the importance of Deen. Absolutely. And the way you've packaged it and the way you've just said it about protection. And you reminded me of the cover, right? And let's go back to the core and, and we go back to the poor and allies. So Jalen, sorta tell Bukhara he says Hoon le bass on Lake Como, and totally best only when the woman is likely best a garment for you, the husband and the husband that like a garment for her. If you think about your garments for a moment, they're actually the closest thing to your body. The
relationship between the husband and wife should always be intimate and close. If you think about your garments, they give you confidence, they give you warmth, they give you protection, right. And this is how the relationship should ongoingly be between a man and a woman. If you're not prepared to be a garment for him, and he's not being not prepared to be a garment for you, then you need to reconsider the panel. I think another thing many people underestimate when they get married. It's understanding that a woman is not
Like a Man, you know, las panatela. He says in the ad, they said that Gurukul owns, you know, a man is not like a woman. And despite the, you know, the battling theories and debates we're seeing played out in today's discourse. Our Dean says, you know, a man is not the same as a woman, you know, we're different. So what we have to understand here, roles and differences. Okay, so let's talk about differences. Okay. And the male is not like the female, the Almighty has said, right? So what does that mean? It means we're different psychologically, biologically, neurologically, physiologically, our perception and how we perceive the world? So there are clear cut differences.
I'll give a very classical example, the Olympic Games. Yeah, right. at the Olympic Games, males compete against males, females compete against females, but this is a sexist shift, not about why are they doing?
Why are they doing that? Because physiologically, biologically speaking physically, there's, there's differences that we have to admit, we have to exactly right. And, and so definitely, in the same thing, when it comes to relationships, we have to understand that we have these differences. So let's give it let's give a classical example, when it comes to relationships.
Then I'm gonna test you on a little bit here, okay.
So, let's say for example, just to clarify, I'm not like a perfect husband, or just, just anyways, we want you to get very close enough to Tyler, because good marriages keep us happier and healthier. Right? that's actually true that we want to be happy in our marriages. All right. So inshallah, if you're having a fallout with your spouse, right, yeah. And what do you think the first thing that your wife wants to do is talk about the problem? or walk away from the problem?
What do you think she wants to do? Does she want to talk about it? Or do you want to walk away? I don't think those want to talk about the problem. They don't want to talk, I don't think I don't think they want to talk about the problem. Clearly, there's an actual problem, you think they're just happy to get to sleep and they'll have a good night's sleep, and then everything will be fine. They'll reboot in the morning, I think they want the problem to be solved. But they don't really want to talk about I don't know, I could be wrong, but they do want the problem to be solved. And hence, they don't want to deal with the problem. Right? men on the other hand, they want to go into
their man cave, man cave, their bubble, okay. And, you know, you know, we're like real females are thinkers, right? We want to think about the problem. We want to give a lot of thought, hence we have you know that that statue, Rodin's thinker.
doing those guys, you know.
So that's what we were like, and that's because males, they like to sort of dissect the problem. You know, what, you know, what do they say about a man's brain versus a female's brain? I think we're gonna have to cut this conversation here. This is I think we're borderline.
This is what this is what the research is. Research guys, this is YouTube comments and people that are crazy on
data, they're saying that the brain, the brain, you know, the brains, the the brain of a man is wired in such a way that it's compartmentalised where it's like in boxes and files, everything's got a very intelligent, okay, okay, well, that might be a little bit. Yeah, I think.
So, they say the woman's brain is like a ball of wires, whereby everything is connected, right?
That's just the way they're created. I mean, you know, and hence, we have not only Allah subhanaw taala, of course, has said the male is not like the female. But then you come you have authors like dr. john gray, who says men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Right? And then we have like, for example, another book that's out there that talks about gender differences.
And that is why men don't listen. And women can't read maps. Yeah. Okay. What are they trying to say here? Okay.
So we have different accounts. And, and if we're going to compete against that, then we're going to find life is going to be a struggle, okay? We all know that, you know, a woman for example, the wife, her primary need is love. Right? A man also needs love, but he he enjoys that respect. He likes to feel that he's in control because he likes to give. That's right. Right. And if he's giving, right if he's actually giving and the woman and the woman and his wife, yeah, okay, is reciprocating with appreciation who wants to give even more, that's okay. Now when you're not giving to the wife, she's not going to reciprocate and then this is where the problem is going to also
start 100% definitely males and females are different and we need to understand each other's differences and work with each other's differences and not downplay undermine watered down the 100% because even the way I see it, right
Like, the woman has qualities that the man might not necessarily have. And the men might have qualities that the woman doesn't necessarily have. And this doesn't mean one's better than the other. That's just like childish behavior. hating against each other. I speak like that, right? But when we look at the qualities that a woman has, the man loves that he desires that like, for instance, and I'm generalizing, and I'm generalizing, and I don't want anyone to get triggered, but like a woman has that, look, she has that gentleness, that sensitivity. And a man might have that strength. And and again, I'm generalizing. But I think it's fine for a man is he has that physical
strength, you know, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he had the strength of like, 3040 men. But you see, and one of the most amazing things that you see in this era is, you know, the prophet SAW sent me so strong, he's physically strong, you know. But when angels you bid comes to him, and shakes him for the first time. And this is Rasulullah, salallahu, alayhi wasallam, a man of such immense strength. He's shaken up by that, you know, but despite his strength, despite his stature, the first person he comes back to is who? Khadija Howdy, Geraldine Allah. And he longs for that, that looks for that, that solace that gentleness, that is only found in a woman that is only found
in a woman, you know, you could go to one of your mate to help me out. But you seek that, that that warmth, that is only found in a woman. So it's it's so beautiful, it's so beautiful. It's such an amazing characteristic that a woman has. But it's like, look how we work off one another. Absolutely. Look how we work off one another. And we're always there by ourselves compliment, you know, you said at the start
to leave us alone, you know, you cover her, she covers you, but we're like, complementing one another, you're not competing. And it's not competing, like we see in today's discourse, the battle of the sexes. Yeah, get out of here. This is not Islam, like when it comes to Islam, we're speaking about, you know, how we, what does it say in the Quran that the verse says the other room only about, you know, the men and the believing men and the bleeding woman? They're looking after one another? Oh, yeah, about that. They're protecting one another, there's no battle of the sexes, we we complement one another. Right. And I want to give another example of this. I mean, we hear the verse
out of the jello, qalamoun you know, that men have the maintainers and caregivers of women, right? And, you know, and then, you know, there in the verse there is, you know, we know that men have a level or a degree, you know, one degree over them over the women. And then some people would get very, like, you know, again, we have certain movements. So you know, what's going on here? Okay. But we know in any business in any corporation, there's got to be somebody who has the final say, or somebody who has, and it's not a dictatorship, and I think I don't want to miss mistaken this leadership role to dictatorship. And I think we need the example I like to give is that as a pilot,
so when it comes to flying a plane, we have the pilot, and we have the copilot, okay. And that's how I think we need to look at it between the husband and the wife that the husband is like that pilot, who's navigating this vehicle, you know, this plane in this instance, okay? Who's navigating the relationship overseeing things, okay. And the copilot is there as well. You know, supporting, helping, but when the pilot is not feeling down, is feeling down or can't really be performing at their best the copilot kicks in. Yeah, okay. Or if we want to look at it, like the head and the neck says, So, yes, the husband is the head, and the wife is the neck, but the head only goes with the
neck goes, No, it's even that like, What shall we do? Like have that shorter have that, you know, consult with one another before you make decisions? Like it's not like a
dictatorship, and really, whoever's made it out like that is completely misconstrued. Because even if you look at that very verse, the most amazing thing about that verse in particular, when it says Aboriginal power, Mona Lisa, at the very end of the verse, what does it say? In the law? How can I Lee and Kabira? You know, despite all right, yes, you have this authority, but ultimately, who's the authority for in the law? You know, Allah, He is the Almighty, He is the grand he is the great, so it's like, whoever wants to take it that way. You know, you've completely misconstrued it, because the man Yes, all right. He has this authority here. You know, this is a mere ship whereby he's
making a few decisions. But at the end of the day, you know, who's he responsible to Allah subhanho wa Taala. And it's not like I remember one chef, he was saying the other time he's like, this should scare you this verse. This shouldn't fill you up with pride. Look at me much I met you guys. This verse should scare you. Because every responsibility is Musalia it's you're going to be asked about it. You know, so why you you know, boasting about this and walking so proud and, and boastful upon this earth. No, just chill out. You
You're gonna be asked about it. So it is a, it is a task that we need to, I guess, understand and recalibrate within our minds.
I also understand that you're very heavily involved in marriages themselves, right? We see you all the time on Facebook, you know, posting a photo here with with the latest guy that got married every week, I think we I see you on my on my newsfeed taking a photo with a new guy that got married. Now they think that I'm getting married.
So I'm one of those people who thought that No, no, of course not.
Definitely, I feel like you're someone who's, I guess heavily you get invited to probably weddings every second week, right?
Or maybe every week if it's not at that. Now when it comes to weddings.
I guess a lot has been said about where weddings go wrong. You know when extravagant spending too much money. People are, you know, you're you're feeding people and they're only going home to backbite about how bad your wedding was and how tight her dress was and who this man was. And everyone was just not happy. And we feel like that's because there was a remove of bedika from the wedding.
But I actually wanted to, to cross something by you share
that when it comes to a wedding.
You know, there's so much that has been said about weddings that luck, bad luck.
But I personally believe a wedding, you know when it's done, right? It's not only halal and permissible. But to the contrary, it's more battle.
It's a place of Baraka. It's a place where our laws love the sense of place where perhaps even the angels are in attendance. And I feel like many of us have misunderstood the importance of this event.
Well said yes. In light, as you said it is about Baraka It is about starting your relationship, commencing this relationship on a good footing on good foundation. You don't want to be I mean, this is the first chapter. We're talking about chapter one of your marital life. Yeah, post, you know, engagement life. You're, you're starting this chapter through a wedding, okay, or as we call it in Islam, or walima which is a wedding feast. Okay. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he did recommend walima or a wedding place to celebrate to publicize you know, none of this you know, secret marriages we publicize marriage. Okay? We publicize marriages guys, you know, we don't do
things on the good on the low. Okay. So, and then you know when you're there, there was a sudden that like, for example, what what is what did the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam teach us to say to the newlyweds? And that's why you would invite righteous people as well to make dua for your marriage. barakallahu li Kuma What? a coma. What Gemma Dana, Kumasi hi is actually a song. That's right.
So I think, you know, it's all about the biker, you know, we want the Presence of Allah subhanho wa Taala we want his, we want his input we want him to, to really infuse our relationships with Baraka. He's the turn of the hearts, he is the one that can turn the heart of your spouse towards you or against you or away from you. He's going to place Baraka in your wealth in the home that you're going to live in, you know, in your children. So definitely, definitely, let's really rethink that special day, the will the special, you know, occasion the wedding ceremony and let's ensure that we're doing things in Highland way to be honest with me, like my wedding day, I would have to say it
was like it was one of like, I felt like it was not trying to say I'm pious right earlier the villa. But I could sense the burqa there like it was just like a beautiful beautiful Villa from no one has said anything stay away.
But like you can feel there's better credit as long as you just do it halaal right. No, no don't don't no mixing no no dancing with opposite gender. Just keep it halaal keep it you know, according to the sinad proposal, so let's have a nice and will lie you will see like it's a beautiful day. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, Ballack day, a beautiful day. And not to mention that this is a sauna. Yeah, nice. Yes. We were so tired of hearing people say you know how long weddings had on weddings. What about halaal weddings when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. You know, he says one of the rights you know, whoever is invited to alima should attend should attend. So you only like this is
like, if not an obligation like many, many of them actually say it is an obligation to attend. It's from the rights of
Muslim eponymous so let's like honor this day and really understand the the blessing this this day is because well I you know, I think there's a Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam he says, and correct me if I'm wrong he says one of the best things you can be given in this dunya after a man is a is a righteous one is that a hadith there is a hadith hiren highroad Ron Nisa, Amanda soroka either absorbed at the best of women is the one who brings happiness to you, when you look at her and of course, you look at her righteousness.
And you look at her upright character, a dunia matar was a Roman dunya. And
so this world is a place of amusement of joy, we can still enjoy and have entertainment in this world they live. Okay, he said, one of the greatest joys is to have a righteous wife. And so every, every wife should really ensure that, that she's that righteous, pious wife that adds beauty to the marriage that adds Baraka to the marriage, and solidifies and really crystallizes that relationship between the husband and the wife. And I feel like, you know, one of the most important things that when you do get married, is just constantly strive to be a better person, for your wife, or for your wife to constantly strive to be a better wife, the husband to continue strive to be a better
husband. And you know, it's all it all comes back to what sn isn't always just striving for excellence. You know, I went to one show, once regretted, regrettably. And I said to the chef, you know, like I've already done like the rights responsibilities, but I just wanted a bit of a, like a clarification on one of the right, he stops, he looks at me and he says, Come sit down. He goes,
why are you asking about this? I said, I just want to know, like the detail about this, this certain, right, this certain responsibility, and I'll get any ideas.
Any ideas? But he goes, all right. He goes, do you think that your marriage is going to be successful over implementing this right? And and her fulfilling this responsibility and this right, because marriage isn't about rights and responsibilities. He says if you want a successful relationship, there needs to be asset. There needs to be a point where you don't even ask what are your rights and responsibilities because not only are they already fulfilled, but they're their way back in the distance. You only ever talk about rights and responsibilities when it's long gone. When it when it's approaching the wall. I like how you've used the word SN and you've mentioned in a
perfection and really this is what a Muslim should always be striving to do sn perfection and Subhan Allah what matches up with Sony
and the reward of sn is nothing but a sense of goodness. So Subhanallah when you do have a fallout with your spouse, it's very important that you apply a sin Okay, action towards the situation. And when we look at the Quran, Allah Subhana Allah He says it Pharaoh bility here so that means repel if something's coming your way be it from your spouse, a friend, anybody that's coming your way and it's negative, okay? And he's Allah says repel it with us and with better so we have a duty as Muslims not to not to basically put out fires with fires okay, but to put them out with you know that which is better. So, he says Allah says it fabulosity here right? And then he says for either
levy beynac our bainer who I tell where you will find between between you and whom there is some enmity and animosity and whom will Leon mean, you become as if your close friends, your close buddies, again, you know, what the scholars said? They said that if you don't find yourself becoming close to that person, that's your fault, because you didn't apply us and you didn't apply. Okay? So because unless telling you allies, it telling us that the outcome of sn is that you come together and so really we need to be ensuring that we are applying that which is best and look marriages are always a work in progress. Yeah, a roller coaster, it is a roller coaster, it's a crazy eight you're
gonna have like, you know, you know, it's good over here, then it gets a little bit. Look, relationships go through a cycle. They go through a way a period of where there's sort of ease the honeymoon phase, okay? Just generally I'm talking I'm talking beyond honeymoon. Okay, beyond the honeymoon. You know, really, it will take about By the way, for those who are about to get married or just gotten married. This is one for them. It takes about a year and a half to two years to really find your, you know, that sweet spot or to really find your feet
But But as funny as that sounds, that can be quite challenging in and of itself, because they do say if you don't have a plan for when you have kids, if you're not good at managing, you know, we time and me time and, or us time, and we know that quality time together and kids come into the equation, it really complicates things. Right? So I think,
you know, it's really important to, to understand that relationships go through a cycle. So they go through with things quite good, you know, and then they get a little bit unsettled. And then there's a repair period, and then they get settled, unsettled repair. And that's an ongoing thing with relationships. Can I just start with it, I'm so sorry to stop you. But it's just that what you've just said, is so true. And it's, it's for almost every couple I come across, it's so true. You know, they fight repair, fight repair. And one of the most incredible things for me when it comes to marriages pose and and I'm generalizing again, I'm sure, you know, but majority of the time, I feel
the ease at which problems get fixed in a marriage.
I personally believe it's an a, you know, I mean, to heat our losses, it's a miracle. I feel like it's a miracle. Because had I had problems with anyone else, I'll be bitter for at least two years,
you have a problem with anyone else that fight will last forever. But with your wife, with your spouse, you have a problem, and maybe not even a day, like two hours. And then your best friends again, like you're you go through that hardship. I'm so angry, but then like, after a few minutes, half an hour. best of friends ever. It doesn't happen with anyone else, not the relationship that you have your mother, your mother, but no one else and it's just like an a, a beautiful sign of loss. Allah has created within that that relationship that bond Subhan Allah. And now chef,
we've all seen you as the marriage celebrant on Facebook, and you know, the photos and everyone knows he has the marriage celebrate. But what I know personally from you is that you actually behind the scenes are dealing with a lot of divorces.
Now, how bad is this problem within our community, so to speak, it is quite problematic.
I want to say from the outset that when it comes to divorce, pull out that when Allah subhanaw taala legislated it, he legislated it as a solution to a problem. So I think one thing that we shouldn't misunderstand about divorce is that divorce in and of itself is a problem. Okay, of course, it's a solution to a problem. And it's one of the very last options that we should go to what disheartens me about many of the cases that come to me, is not so much that Well, well, so much that
that basically they haven't the couple really haven't probably thought about counseling to try and save their marriage. Okay. So I think definitely, as always, as a first option, I do believe that couples who are doing it tough, then they just can't seem to come to an agreement,
then they really should consider counseling, okay, through somebody who is quite experienced when it comes to relationships and offering strategies and options
for the couple to really consider moving forward and not just go to anyone. No, because, you know, the person really should be very well versed. I like to have an approach whereby I'm sort of thinking about, you know, the psychological and the spiritual aspects of, of relationships, not just the Islamic part of a relationship. So somebody who understands human behavior, who understands the difference between a male and a female that understands the context that understands the culture that understands that Dean, I think that's the sort of approach that I take to when couples come in St. Lucia, how long have you been doing this for specifically the marriage counseling and divorce
facilitation? Probably a good 15 years? That's a nice, okay. Well, and yeah, so it is, it is quite disheartening. I want to give you an example. Right. So look, you know, we cannot paint all divorce cases with the same brush. They are can that they can be quite unique. So Pamela only driving here today. I had a phone call literally, probably 10 minutes before arriving here. And so we had a case whereby the couple came in for counseling, but the the woman was checked out.
And she insisted that it's over. And I felt that it wasn't I really felt that the husband is removed.
about certain things that was done, there was hope. I really felt that, you know, and I really wanted this relationship, especially that there's a child involved. I really wanted them to give it a go. So anyway, cutting a long story short, we had a session, we had a second session, and by the end of the second session, we didn't we didn't, I didn't have the outcome that I wanted, right? So she insisted on the divorce. Basically, we did we process the divorce.
And then a couple of weeks later, which is now today, okay, the brothers calling me up saying, hey, my wife has called me she's really, really down. She's stressed out, she's regretful, and he's almost checked out, because he said, Look, if I sign that line, I'm not coming back. So when he's contacted me, I said that hamdulillah let's make it work. Let's let's, let's go with this now, you know, and the good news for them is their divorce is reversible. So there are divorces that are irreversible? Yeah, well, they are. But they mean, they can be reversed, but with much complication. And some that can be reversed quite easily. We won't go into the fact of that. So I'm really excited
to be able to that I'm going to sit with this couple very, very soon, and discuss strategy and options and moving forward, because now she's in a better headspace. Sometimes we're not in our right headspace. And, you know, what's unfortunate brother command is that we often make a permanent decision from a temporary situation, right? We don't want to make permanent decisions from, you know, a temporary situation, when we're at the cycle of, you know, unsettlement when we're unsettled, where there's still hope for repair, okay, and we've exercised all all avenues. And I think where a lot of couples are getting it right, I see this a lot, I'll be honest, you will lie a
lie is my witness. Okay, I see couples that come to me for divorce. And then I say to them, have you thought about this? Have you thought about this option? Do you want to try this out? You've tried it your way? And it things are not working out? Do you mind trying it my way I want to share something with you. I say, look, you know, what, do you have anything to lose? Well, not really, you know, and then I can try this out. And so I had a couple who did that once. And I remember that specifically came in for divorce, right? Or it was really ugly. And then I sent them off. And you know, you can't keep track all the time mentally. So you get the booking. And you remember this, that couple that's
coming in. And I really thought they were coming in for divorce this time, right? And they came in and they sat down and I'm, I get really nervous for these people to be honest with you, you know, because there's children involved. And most of these cases are salvageable. We can save them, right. And so so Pamela, I sit to them. So why are you here today? You know, and they want to thank you. I said, Allahu Akbar, what are you thinking before? Looking at hamdulillah Our relationship is a lot better. We've applied some of those strategies, and they're working, you know, we have a better understanding. There's more communication. Okay. There's some compromise happening. There's more
Dean 100. Okay, so, so what we're saying here is that before we get to the D word, okay, before we get there, really have you have you considered the C word, you know, the counseling, and I think this is where I would love to see a lot of couples really, you know, put put up their hand and say, Hey, we need help me proactive, be proactive. I mean, look, when it comes to physical ailments, and disease and illness, right, we straightaway think about going to the doctor, right? Why don't we Why are we not thinking that way? You know, when it comes to our emotional, you know, emotional pain or, you know, our relationship pain, you know, so I think this is where we really need to create more
awareness and inshallah, in in saving marriages, inshallah, inshallah. And just, personally, Misha, I just want to say, like, you're doing a service like to the community, may Allah reward you, because, you know, healing marriages, healing relationships, it's stressful. I could imagine, it could be very stressful for you, but the reward and just mending those ties, you know, probably through the roof. So May Allah reward you for that. You said that you've been doing this for 15 years. What are some of the most common reasons you see that? You know, unfortunately, divorce unfolds? What are the primary suspects? Okay, that's a very good question, a loaded question. But
nevertheless, it's one that is asked a lot of the time, you know, so I guess
what I've what I've noticed is there isn't really one.
One, you know, one main reason of course, people have several reasons.
If I had to package the several reasons, be it you know, communication issues, be it disrespect, be abuse, be it family interference, intimacy related, financial related.
Be it controlling behavior and the list goes on. Right?
Being, be it no Barker in the, in the relation because it's no print and I'll be honest with the first question that I asked couples is, tell me about your relationship with Allah. Because you see, as the pious people of the past, they said, repair your relationship with the Creator, and he will repair the relationship with the creation. So there is a very strong connection or there is a, there's a very
there's a correlation between our relationship with Allah and our relationship with each other. Okay, and you will find sapan law that most of the time there's a lacking in their relationship with Allah. So, one of my, you know, key advice to listeners to viewers is definitely begin with the foundation begin by repairing your relationship with Allah. So Allah can give you those epiphany moments. So Allah can give you those light bulb moments and how to fix your marriage for God's sake. Right? So start with Allah azza wa jal first, right? Going back to the pack to packaging, you know, a lot of these problems apart from you know, the dean, it comes back down to I believe, failed
expectations. So a husband and a wife have expectations of each other, have expectations of how my significant other, okay is going to be,
you know, meeting my needs, and my needs, could be emotional, could be physical, could be social could be financial, right? We have all of these things, right? So now,
so I have an expectation of my other half, right? Now, when that expectation does not come to fruition, there's going to be disappointed disappointment. When disappointment kicks in this frustration, there's resentment, there's anger,
there is anxiety, there is extreme anxiety called depression. And it sort of leads on to these things, right. The key here is to really be communicating your expectations. Darling, honey, bought a cup of coffee, you know each other?
you know, when you're when you're talking to each other, you know, what are your expectations? What do you want? You know, and you need, you need to know what you want. First. Yanni Subhana, Allah, if you don't know what you want, you will get what you don't want. Okay? So yes, it's about EQ failed expectations. And so panela at the heart of much of these disappointments and frustrations, we find failed expectations. But I want him to do this, I want her to do that. I expect this. I didn't expect that. But there was no communication, there was no communication, okay? Or, for example, there's no boundaries. Okay? Where's your standards? Where's your values? What are your boundaries?
Okay, where have you crossed the line?
And so again, this is why I highly recommend that relate that couples who are about to get married, or who have just gotten married to really learn about relationships, to learn about human behavior to learn about how to deal with your in laws, aka outlaws.
You know, with all in it's sometimes it's not personal, there's just something about this relationship in laws, you know, and and the daughter in law, you know, I get I get a lot of couples coming in whereby this series clashes with, with the family, you know, with it with the in laws, and this is where boundaries come in. Okay. So, you know, there's a lot of contributors towards divorce. But if I, if I had to bring it down to and just put them in probably two broad headings, maybe it's the dean, or maybe there is Dean, but there's no communication about expectations. Or maybe there is communication about expectations, but you're not taking each other expectations very seriously.
Okay. And hence, we find ourselves in toxic marriages. And in that case, there would be times when I guess divorce would be one of the playing cards, but at the end of the day, we want to avoid it as much as possible. But when it does become toxic, I guess, you know, there's a lot of talk about you know, leave your toxic husband leave your toxic why, you know, I think first perhaps verify whether absolutely, that there indeed there is toxicity that and we don't we don't just you know, straight away take on
These labels and that's a call it a day No, no no get, you know, you don't just chop off your arm, if you've got a bit of cancer in it, you do everything to save it right? You just would do absolutely everything to save it, you will see the specialist you'll pay the money. Okay? You will take time out, you will do the research. Why is relationships different? Okay, relationships are very sacred. What a husband, I mean, come on, Claudia. It's a serious contract. It's, you know, when you know, when I do these marriage contracts, you know, you have the welly you have the witnesses, you have a big deal.
You've spent a lot of money, it's a big deal. And especially when there's, there's children involved. Okay, so we need to really inshaAllah be investing in one of the most important relationships on earth. And that is the relationship between a husband and a wife. Suppose I guess it all comes back to that one verse in the code. And when I last pantile, he says, you read the Islam, you know, if you want, if you want that, that reconciliation, alone will fix it. Allow men the heart, so I guess it's that, that strong desire to have to fix and mend things. And now look, I just wanna make something perfectly. Um, I don't know much about marriage. And I feel like there's
so much more I want to know, and looking at you, you've been in this 15 years. What's one thing that people like me and all those around that need to know about marriage? But they don't know yet? What's one thing we need to know about marriage that we don't know? Why are you asking me such 15 years?
One thing I can say is, good marriages keep us happier and healthier, full stops.
Because you see,
marriages, or the the the quality of your marriage is going to have a ripple effect. It's going to impact your physical health, it's going to impact your mental health, it's going to impact your resilience to feel better, or it compromises your immunity when you're feeling down. Okay? It impacts your relationship with the children, it impacts your productivity at work, much productivity at work is lost something like I think I remember reading a statistic of about 40 odd percent of lost productivity in the workforce. Because, you know, people come to work with problems at home with baggage. Exactly. Right. So what does that tell us that good marriages keep us happier and
healthier? And there's lots of research that can really back what I'm saying, you know, there is a I recall, there was a an article that I once read. It's called the Golden Triangle of happiness, you can look it up, right? And it says, it comes down to three things. What are the three contributors to happiness? We all want to be happy, right? And it said that one of them is a sense of purpose. We all want to know that there's a sense of purpose in this life, right? The second one is financial security, more money, more honey, more problems, more money, more money.
And then the third one is good relationships. Okay, we all want to be in good relationships. I mean, think about it. I mean, I'm not going to ask you now we know remember that time you had a fight with your wife, you know, because then I don't want you to be going, it was gonna get upset and I don't want to go there. But let's say for example, you know, someone a friend who had a fallout with their wife, right. Do you think they had a good day that day? shocking, shocking. A speaking from experience
for my marriage,
maybe in the outro. But just Aguilar Farah, thank you so much. Well, I felt like this is a fruitful discussion. There's so much more you want to say I want to say
I'm sure just leave comments below. advice, feedback, suggestions for new shows. We definitely want to have you here again, because we love you. We love you too.
Thank you so much. And until next time, happy Salam aleikum wa
rahmatullah wa barakato.