Bilal Assad – What You Need To Know Before Marriage

Bilal Assad
AI: Summary © The speakers emphasize the importance of marriage, finding the right person, and avoiding gifts and disrespect. They stress privacy and finding the right person, as well as the importance of healthy marriage, privacy, and showing respect. The speakers also emphasize the need for men to show respect and acknowledge the possibility of embarrassment, and for men to show a positive attitude towards women and not judge their behavior.
AI: Transcript ©
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Mr. Lai, kumara Mottola whoever curto

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hamdu lillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah. My brothers and sisters, especially the young people, we've started a very short series, just to educate the young people about relationships and marriage in Islam. Last week, I spoke a little bit about how to

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introduce yourself to someone and the types of questions and topics that you should be talking about when you meet someone. And the best ways of meeting them, what's allowed and what's not allowed. I also spoke about the five situations of marriage. Sometimes it's compulsory. Other times it's desirable recommended, there are times where it's just neutral, neither this way or that way. There is a third, fourth situation when it's disliked. And there is also a situation where marriage is forbidden. I spoke about this last week and Shala, we will, we will release it on YouTube and the social media in sha Allah Allah. But just to let you know that marriage, there's no one blanket rule

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about it. You can't say it's compulsory, and you can't say it's haram. It does depend on the situation and each case. So Islam is a very practical religion that really goes in line with the nature of human beings, brothers and sisters. It's not outside of this world, and inshallah today, I'm going to talk more about it. And just talk about, I want to talk about three things today. Insha, Allah,

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this one.

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So in sha, Allah, I want to talk about three things today. And then we'll open it up for any questions that you might have the three things I want to talk about, because we have young people here, I'm going to start with what does having a crush mean? And what does Islam say about it? What is the alternative? Number two, I'm going to talk about how does istikhara play a role in finding a spouse in marriage? Because this is a lot of people asked me this question. And then number three, I'm going to talk about the technicalities, the foot law, which is the jurisprudence. How is an Islamic marriage done? What are its conditions? How is it done? What to all of its conditions mean?

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How do you know them and agree on them? So I think everybody needs to know these three lessons today. Insha Allah, and I hopefully I will give you examples of real life. And I'm going to address the questions that apply to especially us Muslims who live in western majority countries or European countries. So insha Allah Tala, let's begin. First of all, this will be a quick one in sha Allah, I get young children as young as 1112 years old, 13 years old, even my little daughter who is in grade four, and her friends asked me these questions, because of social media.

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They hear these statements all the time. And unfortunately, the media now is flooded with topics on sexuality from a very, very young age. So I get these questions asked and I'm sure you as parents will as well. She says or they say to me, what is a crush? I have a crush on so and so kids as young as grade one say I have a crush on so and so.

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And today I even got asked by some young girls at the school very quite young, maybe 1011 12 years old. What is a crush is a hello to have a crush. So let's first of all understand what is a crush in the English language in the western society? What does it mean? So if you look up the dictionary anything the Oxford or the Merriam Webster or you look up the Cambridge or the

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any any kind of English dictionary and you'll find a similar meaning which means a crush is a strong and intense feeling.

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Which makes you think that you like someone, but it is temporary. And usually you like someone who you know is highly unlikely you will ever be with

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this thing called a crush can take you into seriously dangerous areas. From an Islamic perspective and from an emotional mental perspective. People with crushes can get obsessed with their crush. It can sometimes be a celebrity,

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religious or non religious. It can be someone at school because they got interested in what they see on social media, let's say particular hairstyle or particular look and they go to school and they see that boy or that girl who looks like that person they saw on social media and they find that he or she is my crush sometimes

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They have some interests that they find that maybe they have the same as them. And then they say, I've got a crush. This thing can be obsessive, and the person can turn into a stalker, they can follow that person look at their social media page. They can, every time they're around, they act different. They act weird. Some of them they, if they come on the tram, or by transport, they'll probably go and deliberately wait outside the school, probably unsupervised, and then wait for the particular tram particular transportation where they know that crush is going to be on or they'll wait out school and wag or they'll do a lot of things that really makes them misbehave, just for

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their crush. It can lead you to obsession, they can stop eating, they can stop drinking, they can stop sleeping, if they get too much and follow this desire have a crush. So brothers and sisters, it is a dangerous thing, crush means it will truly will crush you. If you follow that desire. However, brothers sisters, please understand me. Having a crush is just another name of this natural feeling that especially young people, the younger you are, the more you'll have this, the older you are, the less likely because you understand life and you have more experience in understanding people, emotions and relationships. And you focus on what really matters, you start to understand life

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better. But when you're younger, you have a fantasy of this imagination that goes through your head, and it makes you feel good when you have a crush gives you those special tingly. They call it butterfly feelings in your stomach. Okay, I'm even sure that some older people have felt that when I got engaged, and I had some interest, it's very normal. So these girls asked me, boys don't usually talk about it, but they even have crushes or they just don't know what to call it. Girls are very smart with wording so they know what they're saying. And they Masha Allah, they ask these questions. So having a crush is sometimes out of your control. It's just a feeling that comes to you, the

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community, your friends, talk to you what you see on social media affects you. And so you feel oh, I like that. Boy, I like that girl. So that feeling if it's out of your control and just came to you, it's not a sin. It's not haram, but acting on it becomes haram acting on it. So if you follow that feeling of crush, it's kind of a romantic thing, right? I like that. Boy, I like that guilt romantically. And I think it's called Love, but it's not love, right? And especially the very young they're not ready for marriage. They don't know what marriage is. They don't know what relationships are. So they're exploring.

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We got to educate them for parents to sit with their daughters and their sons to tell them what is a crush, define it to them, tell them why it's not good to follow in that feeling in Islam, because it's going to make you it's going to break your heart, it's going to hurt your feelings. It's not real. It's a fantasy, right? It's just something that doesn't really exist. And what happens is that it lasts for about few weeks to two months, some people even to four months, these girls said How long does it last? I said six months just in case, and inshallah it does, it does go away.

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So these, if you do feel something like that, brothers and sisters, I always advise my brothers sisters this.

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Are you ready for marriage? Can you get married? Can you go and start the process? And, you know, meet the family and ask for her hand and it doesn't have to be married straightaway. But can you get engaged? Are you ready to meet people to get married? Are you old enough? Are you mature enough? If all the answers are no, then know that all you're doing is that you're torturing yourself, if you follow the feelings of liking or having a crush, okay, it'll go away. And you will move on. But don't act on it because it can lead you to bad places. I have had these experiences with young people past and present. I've been teaching for about what 1617 years. And I do a bit of counseling,

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Student Counseling. So these students do come to me Muslims. And you always have this story all the time brothers sisters, and I think parents should really start to learn about these terminologies and talk to their children about an idea to say the word sexuality love liking relationships from a young age. Talk to them about puberty from the age of nine or 10, even eight for the girls, especially because they reach puberty before boys. Talk about these topics and let it be a normal topic that you as parents can talk with your children, children, talk with your parents, talk about your experiences. How did you meet their mom, how did you meet their dad? But you know, within

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reason. Let them talk to you rather than talking to someone else. I know a brother who I learned this from. He says I say to my daughter all the time she is an angel. I even joke with her with cheap lines like Did it hurt when you fell from heaven because you're an angel. These cheap pickup lines he says them to his daughter his daughter says Come on dad that's you know you don't say stuff like that. But you become normalized to it so that he said to me, because I know some other boys are going to come and use cheap lines to pick her up.

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up, so I'm going to beat them to it. And whenever they say it, she says, Oh, my dad says those to me. My brother says that to me. So run sisters get that used to it so that she doesn't, she doesn't fall for the praise who just want to prey on her? Do you understand what I'm saying? Okay, rather than sisters. So I'm going to move on from the word from this thing called Crush. And by the way, love, love really comes after you've met somebody, and you've lived together for a while. Marriage doesn't necessarily have to have intense love from the beginning. Marriage can build the love or can crush the love later on. It depends on how you build it, how you are there for each other, as a man

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said to honorable hottub, I like this person, I trust him. He says, Did you travel with him? Did you stay at his house? Have you done any business trade with him? He said, No, he said, then you don't know him. Don't say you just like him. You just like what you see or what you can imagine he is. So really in marriage, you get to know each other more. And you just learn about the important things that you need to know for a marriage. And understand that when you marry someone, you're bringing two families together, you're sometimes you're bringing tribes together, tribes, some people, Lebanese, Turkish, Somalian meringue, Asian, whatever. Islam allows all these types of marriages and

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makes no distinction. So long as you are compatible, and you're good for each other. We bring countries together through marriage. It's not just you and him or you and her. It's not Hollywood, where you both hold hands, and walk out into the sunset as if the whole world doesn't exist. You have families together. So talk to older people, talk to wise people, talk to your parents, it's nothing wrong with saying to Mum, what's a crush, I have a crush on this boy, let her talk to you. Let dad talk to you. It's alright, talk to older people said they can guide you. And not just your little friends who are around you. Because in Arabic, the friend that you have at school or the

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friend that you have who's your same age, the only thing they can really do for you is just to lean on them to hug them and cry, or just to talk and they say, Oh, I'm here. But really, they can't do much. They can't advise you more than what you know, a 13 year old girl getting advice from another 13 year old girl, what's she going to know She only knows what she knows. But getting advice from a mother or an auntie was older or some or a teacher, or anybody else who's older, like an older sister who can advise you or a brother, or a father, these people can advise you and can guide you in a better way. So always good to have a friend or a family member who's older than you you can

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take advice from

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a friend who is at school who is your age is called that I feel in Arabic, but I feel means the elbow medevac comes from metaphor because Arabic is so particular with names and there are eight different types of friends mentioned in the Quran. One of them is Rafiq, and Rafiq is an elbow, which means you can only lean on them, just share your emotions with them. And that's about it. But they can't really solve much for you. Okay, so you need a Willie a well, he means someone older, who is responsible for you who is invested in you like your father, your uncle, your brother, if you have a son, for example, your mother, all these who are invested in you that what happens to you

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will affect them. These people can guide you better. Anyway, brothers sisters, let's move on to the second part of this talk. We've talked about the crush. Now let's talk about

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the istikhara. This is for some older people. I always get asked the question. Even today I got it. This is probably the most that I get questions about relationships and family, married couples, divorce couples, people having problems, people are ready to get married. Today we're going to talk about those who want to get married. And once you want to get married, obviously it is a little bit scary when you think about lifelong relationship, because the person you choose.

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They're with you. They're stuck with you and you're stuck with them. You're going to have to make it work, that choice is it

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and it will affect every part of your life. That is true.

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However, there is a hamdulillah a beauty to it. If you follow the right pathways in Shell Annabeth pathway, this pathway is to follow the pathway of allah God who made you we have an hamdulillah the Quran ready for us and we have the statements of our profits and our problem humble SallAllahu Sallam so intricately and detailed right to even what he used to do with his wife inside the house. She used to describe how he was as a husband. So we have so much detail that we have even how many white hairs the prophets Allah Salam had in his beard, literally we counted them and we know everything about so we have so much information and guidance as a basis to which way to go about it.

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So let's talk about the st. Hara a lot of people say I made an SD harder. Should I do I have to have a feeling. Am I meant to see a dream? Is there a sign? Just today someone asked me i

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She said I, I got interested in a brother, a family member. And after a long time, and I made this the harder I asked him, or I sent someone to ask him and he said, No, I'm not interested. She said, is that a sign? I said, Absolutely. Absolutely. This is he doesn't want you.

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There is no, there's no, you know, magical thing about it.

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So my brothers and sisters, someone else, they approached me and said, and this is a cultural tradition, I'm going to talk about some really wrong things that people do sometimes culture, sometimes it's our elders who get it wrong and stuff it up for the young people, they make it very hard for them. One of the things about is the harder that is so false and wrong, is when the they say you have to get your father or your grandfather or a che or an imam to do this the harder for you because they're more holy, they're more religious. So they'll do this the harder for you, and then they'll tell you what dream they had. And the dream will tell them if you should go ahead or

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not. This is the most misleading thing I've ever heard in my life. It contradicts all the teachings of Islam there is nothing in the Quran or Sunnah of the entire Hadith. You search it and I challenge anyone to find it a text with the Quran or the prophesy. Sam told us that's how this the Hara is done, is the Hara is a prayer. You pray to it because then you ask Allah DUA and solid you don't go in and say to somebody, Hey, you know, I just came into the mosque, can you please do that? The hadith and masjid for me, I'll just sit on the corner over there. You don't say that to people? SONET and dua is yours. The proper way to do it is that you have to do because you're the one who's

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meaning it. It's coming out from your heart, you're the one who wants Allah to help you. Right? No one else. So it's not from the Sunnah. It's not from Islam, that someone else does this the harder for you. I don't know where people got this from, I don't know what justifications they had. I'm not saying it's haram. I'm just saying it's not the right way. And you're going to be misled that way. I've had these situations, a lot of people come so I'm not gonna say one person, many. They come to me and say, Well, my grandfather said he is going to do this, the harder for me, a brother asked me, for example, or a sister asked for me. And you got the grandfather, for example, the father or an

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uncle, who has gone on a very different tangent of Islam in a very spiritual one. That's, you know, the type of spirituality where they're detached from what reality of life really is, you know, some people take Islam as something so spiritual that is completely detached from real life. It's almost a fantasy. That's not how Islam is. Islam is practical. So the grandfather went or the the father, I don't know who they made us the heart or they saw a dream. It was a bad dream. Maybe the shaitan came to them, I don't know. They said, you're not allowed to marry this guy. But he's a good guy. He's a religious guy. He's a good character. He has a job. He has an income. He's known to be

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trustworthy. He's known to be honest. Everybody talks well about him. He's got a good reputation at school. He's got a good family know the dream. They base it on the dream. Brothers and sisters, there are so many stories like this. Sometimes they say I made an SD harder. And I really want this person. So why did you do this? The harder this the harder is asking Allah for advice and guiding you. Someone said can I say the first part of this the heart or not the second part, because this is how this the heart goes, are sold the Prophet sallallahu wasallam said, if any of you has decided to take a step towards a particular endeavor, anything in life, you have made the decision and you want

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to go ahead before you go ahead, pray to rock house and say that it's the harder this the hara sounds like this, oh Allah. I seek your counsel for you know, I do not know you. You have the coddle, you are the one who wills I cannot will. You are the old now of everything, Oh Allah, if this is good for me, in my religion, my well being and worldly affairs and my hereafter, then grant it to me and grant me to it and bless it for us. And if it is bad for me, for my religion, my worldly affairs and well being informed my hereafter then keep it away from me and me away from it and guide me to where is better and make me accept it. Now someone said to me, can I say the first

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part? If it is good for me bring it and me to it but not the second part. So will this notice the heart? Are you asking Allah to make it work for you? Some people go all the way to hombre or hush and in front of the car but I heard this. They stand before the cabin said oh Allah if she is good for me bring her if he is good for me, but

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I know a lot of people like that they ended up the marriage fell apart, by the way, because we don't understand what it means to have signs and dreams. Now let me tell you something brother and sisters. There's no way where it says that there is the Hara. The condition of istikhara is that you have to have an open heart that you feel good all the way or that you have to have a drink

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There's nothing like that. And also Salah said I've said once you have made your decision now listen carefully it says for either hammer or huddle comm either Asana or huddle COMM The hadith is in Buhari. If one of you has decided,

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what does that mean? One of you has decided meaning you have gone researched, investigated, asked about them, met them. Oh, sorry, even before meeting them, let's say on a Mr. Make us the harder to go and meet them for marriage. You go and ask about them. You find out if they even want to get married. You research about them. You ask families, they asked friends, look at their social media page. After you've done all that research. Then you make the istikhara before going over, then after you meet them and talk to them and you investigate a second. The second step after all that you use, you use your logic you use your rationale. You study you investigate you think about what you want

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you ask the questions you study the topics, then before the next major step making decision to get married, making this the harder.

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Why? Because there's two parts to making a decision number one is the normal practical logical rationale of how things work. Get to know the person for crying out loud, do all the proper stuff take advice from experts from your parents do all that stuff know what you want? Ask the right questions. We talked about that last week. That's for the now you want to get married now do the investigation for the now so what is this the harder for the is the harder is for the lighter? This the hardest for the future? We know what's happening now but we're not we don't know what where it will go in the future. So we make this the harder for the unknown future not for the now. As for the

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now investigate, make it as the Hara. And Nora lemma said there are some signs to this the harder but don't use them specifically, don't rely on one or two. Don't say I made it nice. The harder and that night you saw a dream. You saw snakes and dogs? Is he good for me? I say no, that's the shaytaan the shaitan is telling you don't take him because probably good. So but that's the hardest. So this is nothing that says you have to see a dream. After this. The horror dreams in general, come in three forms in general, not attached to this the horror just in general. Number one. They are the conversations you have with your conscience. The things you think about in the day, when you go to

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sleep your brain and you talk to each other. That's the majority of dreams. The majority of us the second type of dream are nightmares that come from the shaytaan the dogs and the cats in the scary monsters in the snakes and I don't know what and the night terrors and

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sleep paralysis. All these come from the shaytaan they don't harm you. They just scare you a little bit you wake up a little bit terrified, recite ITIL cracy turn to the other side, say Bismillah and you'll be okay insha Allah The third type of dreams are the ones from Allah subhanho wa Taala they are difficult to see properly. Sometimes they're mixed with other things. So you got to ask the L the shaker an imam or a scholar or somebody you know who's knowledgeable a little bit who can kind of give you some advice. You don't just go and determine it yourself. That's not attached to the istikhara. It could be but it's not. Nor is it that you're gonna say Oh, I feel so good habibi. When

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the sun comes out. I feel good. Some people, they they're not thinking about I've seen this before. They're not thinking about some but it was a nice day. They go and they fall in love. It's not because the girl or the boy is good is because the sun was out. Because the weather was nice. You had euphoria. Hormones came out the happy for serotonin and dopamine, right? If you're going to distinguish between psychological or hormonal reactions, a bit of adrenaline and use your brain to sit down, write it down what questions what's important in my marriage, what's important in my life? Let's look at my family. What kind of a family would suit that I'd be part of imagine myself in 10

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years time and I have children, how would my life be? Then go and talk? Do I work? What would I like her to be? How would I like him to be what would matter to me what would make me stop getting into this marriage. That's how you think logically and rationally, then there's the harder comes later for the future. So that Allah can be there for you and open the pathway for you. Sometimes you may see ease, doors opening, opening opening, that's a good sign. Sometimes you won't feel anything at all.

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Sometimes you won't feel anything at all. I'll tell you keep going. Sometimes he may feel a little bit up and down. Maybe maybe not. It doesn't matter. Keep going. If it happens, it happens if it doesn't happen to hamdulillah you'll know in the end, you will feel it in the end. Just by the way, cause and effect is that man is getting too hard. Father is getting really stubborn. The girl is having thoughts up and down. One minute we're together next minute we're not. I've seen so many red flags. So try to understand what your feelings are and what

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Your brain is telling you, it's very, very important. So brothers sisters, with the advice and support of family and elderly is insha Allah. And by praying to Allah and making dua, you cannot go wrong. Brothers and sisters, and your investigation and research, brothers and sisters, therefore now we understand what is the horror is.

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Okay? It's for the future. For now. Make your research, investigate, do all the things you have to do

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and make a decision. There's nothing perfect, you're never going to have a perfect wife or husband ever. And you still going to have your ups and downs. Don't blame on this the Hora No, but Allah will be there for you in thick and thin. You just do what's right by what he told you. And the rest of it rely on Allah subhanaw taala. And keep going. All right, brothers and sisters, that's the best thing in sha Allah.

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Now we move to the third part, let me just I wrote it over here. The third part brothers and sisters, imagine now that you have decided that you want to marry this person or that you want to go ahead.

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Brothers and sisters, there are conditions in Islam for a valid marriage. All of you need to understand this. And there are about three steps to it. Three simple steps. The first step is proposing a simple proposal. It doesn't mean she's yours doesn't mean he's yours. No.

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It depends on your culture in my Lebanese culture, they call it out. In fact,

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actually, they have four different stages. My God, the first one is hacky, which means talk means go over and say, we're kind of interested, let's see. And she comes out and gives some coffee to you. And that's when you're supposed to look at it for the first time.

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She comes in, and you look up at her, and then you look down and she looks away and she acts I'll show you actual shot. All of that stuff. The father staring at you. And you're sweating. You don't know what to do. They call me up Poor things. We're lucky these brothers, I feel sorry for him. They say Who should I take my dad, I said, take your dad, he talks you shut up. Don't say a single word. Let him talk. If you're asked to answer if you're not asked, don't say a word, just get to know.

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And people are different personalities. Just by doing that you'll learn a lot by being quiet and observing, you know, before emptying, hear the words fill here. First fill that prayed. And then you can talk insha Allah. So first time, it's going to be like that we have this in our culture. If that is your culture, go ahead. And a brother once I get asked by these brothers say, I've kind of interested in this girl but she's not from the same nationality or the same background that I come from, what should I do? I go go and find out ask people learn about their culture, go and visit them. Give them a call, learn their culture, ask people who know about their culture and see what is

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the right way to do it. So the right way in Islam to approach a proposal is to respect the culture of the person you're going to and mostly men are the ones who do the proposing mostly, although a woman can propose to a man and we're going to talk about that in a minute. But mostly men do it even just naturally. Naturally. A man does the proposing and a woman then thinks

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she acts so cute, and she might feel a little bit spoiled. Should I take him on night? Maybe I can test him out a little bit? Yes, no, no. Yes. You know, sometimes they like to play a bit of nice healthy games, they call it brothers and sisters. So approach it through the culture. Now the second thing we have in our Lebanese culture, you got to do better now this is not part of Islam. I don't do it, but they do it anyway, it means reciting and Fatiha and the meaning of that is okay, we are now up to the second stage. Do the Fatiha so that we can he'll come and go and visit a lot. So he'll come whenever he likes son you can come visit be can't come visit without the father or brother or

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someone there. So usually the boy goes and visits. And then the parents said say well, we want to visit you to first so they come and visit. And then you go and come you talk on the phone and stuff like that for a little while. My advice is not to take too long. And then the engagement period. This is now where we reach the second stage of Islam. So the first one is to go in and say we would like to, you know, ask if we can get to know the daughter for my son or he might go himself I know a brother who went and knocked on the door and says, I'm your neighbor from that block over there. This is what he wants. Says. And then he didn't know what to say. So he returned comes up to me. He

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goes sure what am I gonna do? I said, All right, it's time to take someone with you. So have you got a dad? Of course, he's not in my life. I gotta take your Uncle Don't in my life. Poor guy I got I'll go with you. So I went with him. And hamdulillah before going I did call him and convinced the father to just at least try him out. You know, just get to know the guy. Sometimes you need a bit of help. So boys, brothers and sisters, it's not just one one rule or one law fits all. You got to be bit creative. So we went there humbly learned. It didn't

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worked out in the end, but at least it was friendly and respectful and there were no bitten there was no bitterness lifted in the end, but you get engaged is the second stage. What is engagement? In Islam, it's called a lip balm, or al Hakuba.

00:30:17 --> 00:30:29

Is, so when we go and give the hotbar on Joomla, it's called hotbar. So that makes it hotbar. And HIPAA is the correct name for getting engaged in Islam. What does it mean? It means that

00:30:30 --> 00:30:48

the father of the girl, and you or your father, whoever you want, you come to an agreement you shake hands on the agreement that now my son and daughter and your daughter are getting to know each other officially getting to know each other. Officially,

00:30:50 --> 00:31:26

you have the permission of the fathers, the parents know they can call each other they can talk they can visit, but only with a chaperone, they have to have someone around them they can meet in a public place, usually Muslim place. You can meet at the mosque you meet at their house, at events you can have some people said to me what if the father and brother are not there, I say that's okay, if the mother is there, and you know, it's not and it's safe and everybody respects each other and sha Allah just stay there and and meet the girl and get to know her. There are no strings attached during engagement, which means you cannot hold hands he cannot kiss you cannot hug. You cannot be

00:31:26 --> 00:31:42

alone together in a room. Any one of you in the time of the engagement of getting to know each other can pick up the phone and say I'm not interested and that's it. You just walk away nobody can push you there is nothing there are no conditions. And any gifts that you give to each other during the engagement. It's a gift.

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You can't say I want it back the Prophet sallallahu sallam said giving a gift and taking him back is like vomiting and eating and vomit again. You've given it your fault you and and gave it or maybe you're nice, you're just too generous, masha Allah, may Allah reward you. Don't ask for it. Don't lower yourself, okay? You give a gift. Hamdulillah you were generous. You had a good time. You got to know him. You had the opportunity, but it didn't work out. If the other person wants to give back the gift, that's fine. But here is a little advice. Don't go overboard with gifts brothers and sisters during the engagement time. All right, don't and that's a time for you to really learn about

00:32:18 --> 00:32:54

each other. Are they materialistic or you? So just be very, very easy. You can get some chocolates if you like you can get some fathers don't even like it. I remember one brother I went to talking and a father said to me after the brother left I was helping him out. He said Why don't even bring chocolate I don't like him to bring chocolates. What is this a romance is not even attached to my daughter yet and he started getting angry as a condiment. It's a nice man it's just bring chocolates. What's the big deal take it easy to calm the guy down some people that got different personalities, parents just take it easy, you know take a chill pill if it's okay, things are going

00:32:54 --> 00:33:39

fine Hamdulillah I always say this statement make the halal easy so that the Haram does not become the alternative. If you make the halal hard, the Haram becomes easy. Make the halal easy the Haram becomes hard make the halal ha the Haram becomes easy. Alright brother and sisters make the halal easy insha Allah. Now, the engagement period is just that, getting to know each other. All it means is that if anybody else calls the parents to say or wants to propose to the girl, they say no, now she's at the moment engaged. And it is haram in Islam to get engaged to a sister when you know, a brother of yours, someone has already is already in the process of getting to know her. So this is

00:33:39 --> 00:34:11

the real meaning of going out in the western meaning you're not going out together, you're getting to know each other. Sometimes at school. You get these little kids with just hatched out of the egg and they know nothing about life. And they think they can get married just tomorrow like that. They're in you seven Oh, you're right, or you're nine and then oh, they're going out. So what do you mean you're going out there? It means that at lunchtime, they walk together around the block. And whenever she's at the canteen, he's at the canteen they're going out, but this is not going out to stop it. Stop this. Stop it. Stop move away.

00:34:13 --> 00:34:16

So this is serious. Okay. Brothers and sisters,

00:34:17 --> 00:34:26

engagement periods getting to know each other, there's no strings attached. Anyone can just walk away with no conditions. Does everybody understand that part? Okay, hamdulillah

00:34:28 --> 00:34:59

now, we reached the third stage which is called the contract of Nica, the contract of marriage in Islam. Yes, there is love and his interest in his all of that but at the end of the day, it is a contract. You are entering into a mutual agreement. That is the most serious agreement on Earth. Allah calls it in the Quran Meetha vallila. A very serious contract. It is a contract. It is a contract because you are giving something they're giving something you're exchanging something. There are

00:35:00 --> 00:35:33

It's human lives that you're dealing with here. So it is a contract. There are rights, responsibilities, agreements, everything. But it's not like a business contract. It's not like buying a house. There's love involved. There's mutuality. There's kindness. There's generosity. There's courtesy. So when people enter into a marriage contract, take it easy. Don't sit there talking about every nitty gritty right? Take it as a given take be easy. Remember, we said make the halal easy, so the Haram becomes difficult.

00:35:34 --> 00:36:10

In Islam, there are five conditions for a valid marriage, only five plus listen carefully plus one, right? That has to happen. What's the difference between condition and right? The condition means if one of them is missing, the marriage has to be done again, it's not valid. The right which is the sixth thing, it's called a right. The marriage is still valid if it's not there. But it has to eventually happen. We'll talk about him in sha Allah, the first five conditions to the marriage. Number one,

00:36:12 --> 00:36:53

the identity, the identity of the couple, so that when they come to get married, in the marriage contract, and I'll explain how it's done, the names have to be said loud, and the names have to be known. And if you're writing it, it's better to write it. The celebrant or the Imam whoever is doing the marriage has to write the names and you have to say them the way I do it there's several ways you can do it the way I do it, and as you know, I'm a marriage celebrant maybe half of you did I met it hands up for married people off just for fun. Anyone here come on man if nobody puts their hand up is the first Oh, no one soon soon insha Allah not you have

00:36:58 --> 00:37:17

met his wife at one of my lectures haha, see, that's what I'm talking about. But you know, I'd be walking in, in the supermarket Woolworths, it's happened to me many times and a couple would walk up to me shining life scrim, you know? And I said, Okay, here it comes. I don't know what this is saying. It's us. So who's you? It's us.

00:37:19 --> 00:37:21

I say who?

00:37:22 --> 00:37:59

I'm sweating. I'm thinking. So someone and I say their names here who say remember, we married us when we you know, six years ago at I can't remember six years ago. And I act like I know. And I get very embarrassed by so I forgive me if you're among here or you're listening. I apologize. Sometimes you do. You know, 1000 marriages, it's hard to remember who's from who so I apologize. I'll tell you this little story while I'm sitting with this. At a family occasion this mother, a mother who was elderly mother was sitting which says So how's your Mom? How's your dad? hamdulillah they're very good. And we're talking right about Lebanon, we're talking stuff. And then her son sitting there he

00:37:59 --> 00:38:17

was my student back in the days. I said insha Allah Insha Allah, when your brother your son gets married, I'm going to do it as a gift for him for free gift. And then her jaw dropped. Which is Are you serious? I said, Yeah. Because Nana Jani Anja really

00:38:18 --> 00:38:24

good you. Oh, won't I won't take money. Like she said you did his marriage last week.

00:38:25 --> 00:38:30

Wallahi I did his marriage like the week before and had forgotten. So embarrassed to Allah SubhanAllah.

00:38:32 --> 00:38:58

So forgive me, it happens. Anyway, we move on. So the way I do the marriages is I sit the groom and the father of the bride. Sometimes the groom chooses his father out of respect to represent him. We have two witnesses. We agree on something called the mother I'll explain it. And then I get the father's to shake hands and they say the words, the words for a marriage for it to count is like this.

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The father of the groom or the groom himself has to say verbally for people to hear. I request your daughter so and so and you have to name her in marriage, in accordance with the Quran and Sunnah. And on the Mahara that we have agreed upon, and then the Father will reply on behalf of my daughter I give her so and so to you so and so, or to your son so and so in marriage in accordance to the Quran and Sunnah on the matter. We've agreed and they say we accept and agree. Sometimes I turned to the groom and I asked him, do you take so and so to be a lawfully wedded wife and to treat her with goodness care, compassion and love? As much as Allah has has, within your capacity? He will say,

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Yes, I do. And sometimes I turned to the bride as well. I do like to do that. It's not necessary, but I do turn to the bride. Sometimes she's shy and I feel sorry for her but ask a quick question. Do you accept to marry him? Yes. She says it's harmless. It's done. So that's very that's it? Some people, my friend he got married in Malaysia. Malaysia is a beautiful car.

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entry, but they have this rule when you get married, you have to say the statement, this specific words, you got to say them without breathing. I think I'm right, because I'm all in one breath. And you got three chances. If you make a mistake, third time, you got to go back come back another time. You can't get married to her that day. It happened to my friend he's, he's from Uganda married Chinese, Malay who had hamdulillah reverted to Islam. And he said, I said it the first time I made a mistake. The second time they said, You've got one more, one more chance. And he goes a humbler? I said it. It's very nerve wracking. But in Islam, really, it's not necessary to do that.

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What if you can't talk? What if your hearing impaired?

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You can sometimes just understanding nodding, agreeing pointing is fine. Yes. Or I can ask you a question. So it's very simple inshallah. So brothers, sisters, you can see the identity is very important. You need to know who is getting married, you can't just say that my oldest daughter, my youngest daughter, My daughter, who has the glasses, no, you have to say the names and the Son. So that's the first condition, the identity. The second one is the consent of both the couple, the boy and the girl, the groom and bride both have to have given their approval or in their consent. If the girl if the bride has been married before, she must pronounce her consent in front of the witnesses

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or the people she has to say it, or in front of the celebrant, and two witnesses. As for the bride has never been married before. She hasn't been married before.

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If it was a bit easier, she can say, Yes, or her father can say it on her behalf.

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And if she is silent, it means she approves. If she doesn't approve, she has to say no, she must say no. I personally asked the Father and I asked the daughter all the time. Sometimes what I do, it's she's not around us. I gotta go inside. I gotta get her to sign. I want to hear her statement. One time, I did a marriage. Actually, there's been a couple of times like this, where I noticed the girl wasn't there. And the father of the girl was very agitated. And the groom came along with his uncle and family. And I noticed something I wouldn't say because I don't want to expose who it is just in case, I noticed something that made me feel that something's wrong.

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So I said, everybody, we're gonna have to stop.

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Ask the father a few questions. He told me some things that I said, Well, this is not right. And I went to speak with the daughter. I said, is this true? She said yes. But I want him I said, Okay, let's just think about this. And that. Maybe this is there's a trick here. And subhanAllah she was convinced that after speaking to her, there was some trickery happening. It wasn't genuine. And then hamdulillah called the marriage off. So sometimes it's hard on a sudden he's got to investigate a little bit.

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So the consent is very, very important. In a marriage, there is a Hadith the Prophet Allah said limiting Sahih Muslim and similar to in Bihari, he said that a, there was a Sahaba companion, whose sister? No, no,

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a woman came to a shadow the Allahu Anhu.

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And she said, My father married me, gave me a way to this man without asking me my consent.

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He didn't ask me next minute I saw myself married in their culture. So she said, let's wait for rasool Allah to come in and answer. When he came along. He asked her Is this true? And she described it was I had no, no say in the matter.

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And then once the cross was Asalaam confirmed it. He said, You have the choice to stay with him, or leave him and marry anyone else you want.

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Because the marriage was not valid without her consent. So she said I choose to stay. But I wanted people to know at least, that we are not forced to marry without our consent as women. Because the culture there the man chooses the woman can't choose that was the culture before pre Islam, pre pre Quran Jani Sarasu, Salah Salem gave her even the option of just walking away from the marriage and choosing any man she wants. No divorce nothing, because it was without her consent.

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Another woman came to the Prophet sallallahu Sallam the hadith is also authentic, and it's very well known. She said to him, yeah rasool Allah, they got me married to this man. I didn't really see him until the day of my wedding. And the first time I saw him, I found that he was extremely unattractive to me. When he walks with the men, he's the shortest and the bulkiest and the least attractive. He's got no money. He's not known. I don't know what I'm doing with him.

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I can't I fear that I'm going to earn sins by staying with him sins, meaning I can't give him his rights as a husband.

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So he called him and said, What's the matter that you gave it says, I gave her a land a little strip of land as her bridal gift. And she said, return the land to him, and you divorce her. And that's it, they got divorces called Hola. So people are not forced to stay in a marriage. That has been, though a pressure to, or if it gets to a point where the marriage becomes so toxic that you guys are going to earn sins by staying in the marriage, where the rights are not going to be met. And there is a room for both the man and the woman to get out of the marriage. But obviously, there is a process today is not the time to talk about that. We'll talk about it next week. So the consent of

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the couple is a condition of the marriage. Number three is the wedding. Well, it means the Guardian, who is the guardian in the marriage, listen carefully, brands, sisters have to make this very clear. The Guardian of the bride, the groom does not need a guardian.

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He represents himself. The bride needs a Willie, she needs a guardian who represents her and speaks on her behalf and has to approve. Why? Because the person who has to provide protect and look after

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the in the marriage in the first degree is the husband. So when he comes in, he represents himself because he is the one who's saying it. But he can nominate his father if he likes or his uncle or whoever. Because he's the one that's entering into this contract and taking on that responsibility. Why do we have her father and not her herself, because her father or her uncle or whoever it is, who is her guardian, in Islam, it is the duty of the male members of a family, the male members of a family who are related to the girl who are responsible to protect and provide for the Gill, not the mother is not the aunt is not the sons. So it was either the father or the uncle of the grandfather

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or the son or the brother. Because they're responsible for that they're responsible for her protection and her affairs, the father has to come and give that responsibility from him transfer to this new husband. So he shakes hands with him and says, I give you my daughter, meaning I now give you the responsibility. I'm no longer responsible for you. And we need the father there because he is got that duty and he has to pronounce and declare that the Duty has been passed on. And he agrees that it's been passed on him. So there's no clashes. So when you understand the duties of the men and women in a family unit, you'll understand why we have the Guardian there. And really, it's about

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the protection of the girl and her interests. All these men come along and these women are mostly for the girl

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so that she is not played around with she is not used. She isn't her rights are met. Because you know, in those times, especially a girl that hasn't been married before. Her feelings are really up in the air and so is the boy right? And so you need a chaperone, you need a guardian who comes in and says okay, I'm going to think up here while you guys think here.

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So it's very important in Islam, you'll understand once you understand the family unit, so you need a wedding. Now brothers and sisters, the Welly has, it's a ladder, there is an order to the Willie, the first person who has to be the Welly The Guardian is her father, in the first degree. The father is the main one.

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If the father is absent or he died, his dead he died, for example, passed away. The next one after him is the grandfather, his father, from the father's side. He's the next one responsible in Islam. If the grandfather is not around, it's if she was married before it her son. Her son is the one that represents her affairs and make sure her rights are met. So basically they make sure the right summit

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when you have a husband coming up man coming to ask for the for the daughter and he has a man in front of him. The language changes, doesn't it? It's like, Yes, I'll make it easy, but be careful. So then, if the Son is not there, then we take the brother, the brother of the girl who is from the father's side, or her brother who is from her mother and father. If the brother is not there, then the next closest relatives from her father's side. So a nephew, a cousin. That's the correct order. Because in Islam, it is always the father's side of the men who are responsible to provide protect, and

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make sure the interests of the fam of the gills of the family I met. That's why the prophets Allah said aim is to say, hey, look, I'm here to come literally, the best among you men is the one best to the women of his family, actually here meaning his wife, number one, and actually he also means his mother, his sister, his daughters that

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brothers and sisters, that's the Welly. Some questions have been asked, is there a difference of schools of thought? Do all the scholars all the schools of thought in Islam say you have to have the Welly in a marriage? That's a fair question and I'll answer it

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There is a slight difference of opinion on whether the Welly is really a condition of the marriage for it to be valid or not.

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The marriage is of two parts the contract where you sign or you talk. And then there's the part which is called the consummation. What's the difference? The first part is just verbally and on paper, but nothing, no contact between the husband and wife has happened. The last part is the consummation, which means when they move in together, they consummated you know what I'm talking about when the intimacy happened physically, all of the schools of thought, there is no difference of opinion among the scholars that you need.

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Actually, no, I made a mistake. Majority of the schools of thought majority of them say you cannot have a contract of marriage, or the consummation of marriage without a wedding, you must have the willie what is approval and consent.

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Or he delegates someone. The only school of thought that I know of who says who differs with that opinion is the Hanafi school of thought. So the Malik is the Shafia is the humble is also the must be wary. And in anonymous, classical scholars, the Hanafis have the evidence and I don't have time to go through it today. But there is evidence from the Quran and Sunnah, where they say, and they justify, in their own opinion, that a girl doesn't really need her father's approval or the Welly if on conditions, she's old enough, she's mature enough, she understands, and she's healthy mentally fit everything. Okay, that's the only the Hanafi messed up. So if you go to a celebrant who follows

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that Hanafi madhhab, he will do it that way. But I don't do it that way. And the majority of celebrants and two, so we don't have question marks on a marriage. Always have the wedding. I have never done a marriage without a wedding. Alhamdulillah. But another question arises, what if the wall is a bad man? What he's not a Muslim? What if he drinks? What if he takes drugs? What if he's so unreasonable? Just says no to every guy. We say, then we change the wellI. From the father to the grandfather. The grandfather is the same, we go to the son sounds the same, we go to the brother. We keep moving. But this is a bit tricky. Brothers, sisters, you can't just go ahead and haphazardly

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you need to go to an imam or a che or go to other people in your family to discuss this says why dad doesn't want try to understand why dad has said no. So the only reasons that the father can use is religious reasons. Like he can say, the person is not a Muslim, the person is a drug addict, the person drinks alcohol, the person doesn't pray at all. Right? The person is known to go to nightclubs and dance parties and flirts around with girls. I've investigated and he's a player. These are good reasons. Or the person has no finances can look after your daughter, you need to be looked after. He can't shelter you can't close the account spend on his his, he can't spend on

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himself, then these are valid reasons so that the Father has to make sure that he is looking after the best interests of his daughter. But unfortunately, some fathers, they're just so unreasonable. In fact, I get a lot of fathers like that. I have a lot of calls like this, boys and girls, especially the girls, they say my father's just so unreasonable. Sometimes the parents are divorced, the father's out of the picture. And I'll talk about that as well. But sometimes the fathers they try to be in the picture. And some fathers, they're just abusive. And they say no to every person that comes along, based on so these are some of the reasons that scholars have put There's nothing

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specific in Islam which says this, this, this and that, but things that are unreasonable, such as

00:53:34 --> 00:53:35

the color of his skin

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is racist.

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Some fathers reject Him, because the father says, I just don't like him.

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Just like that, what don't you like about him is he's got religion hamdulillah he's got good character. Yeah, it's all of the ideas I got I got nothing to say I just don't like him. Turn on to say no and make it hard like that. Or maybe there's something personal. There's a hadith. The Prophet Allah Salam is also authentic. Were

00:54:03 --> 00:54:09

Sahabi his daughter, his sister got married. The hadith is in Buhari. So Imam

00:54:11 --> 00:54:51

Ibn has your comments about this. He says his sister got married. And then the guy his brother in law divorced her. Divorce the sister of this companion after that, though, is over so there's something called Ada. The guy came back to re marry her. And she agreed. She says yeah, okay, well reconcile, get back together. Maybe they had children together. Maybe they just loved each other. Her brother in the absence of the father was her wedding. He said over my dead body. I go and help you get married to I look after you I paid for your wedding. I paid for your this and for that. And now you come to us for my dad, sister. It's not that easy. Might get out of here. This is a personal

00:54:51 --> 00:54:53

endeavor. Vendetta, sorry.

00:54:54 --> 00:54:59

They went to the Prophet sallallahu wasallam and that's when the verse of the Quran was revealed. What is the

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Verse, the verse of the Quran says and I want the fathers to hear this, that Allah subhanahu wata Allah. He said,

00:55:08 --> 00:55:56

we're either talaga Timon Nyssa Belladonna jolla Hoonah Fela Tao Bulu Hoonah and Yun gana as well Johanna either Torrado Bina humble maruf. Allah says in Surah Al Baqarah, verse 232, when you divorce women and they have completed their waiting term do not hinder them from marrying other men. If they have agreed to this in a fair that is in a fair manner, that is an admonition to every one of you, who believes in Allah and the Last Day, that is a cleaner and pure way for you all. Meaning don't restrict your daughters, your sisters, and anyone who you are given by Allah the responsibility of the duty of care, do not restrict the opportunities in their chances. If the man

00:55:57 --> 00:56:05

is reasonably a good Muslim, and reasonably have good character, honest and can look after her. You should not refuse that type of a man.

00:56:06 --> 00:56:42

So Allah says, Don't restrict them because what happens afterwards? We make the halal hard what happens the Haram becomes hazing. We've seen this happen a lot in our community, have we not? We have many. I've seen it happen many times. And what they do is they start to hide it from their parents because the parents are unreasonable. Two years later, they've been in a relationship finally the parents know and they're attached. And the parents over my dead body, the father makes a big deal. So yeah, culture make it easy. The reason why they did this sometimes is because you're a difficult person. Then you have the other way around with some kids, they just don't care about the

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parents. No, talk to your parents, keep them in the picture. You're gonna have them there anyway. They can guide you better for people who have good relationships with their parents to ask them, talk to them. They'll guide you Insha Allah, don't go and get attached outside in the wrong way and then get heartbroken and not eat and get mental illnesses as a result. Do it the right way. Insha Allah keep it harlot.

00:57:07 --> 00:57:11

I bet had a lot of youngsters who say to me is a halal for me to like someone I said, you can like him.

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It's not in your control you like him.

00:57:15 --> 00:57:50

But don't do anything. Haram don't go further. Don't sit there talking and flirting with them and talking like, wait until you're ready. And then you can go and ask for a hand in sha Allah. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you have the parents who are divorced. And the father may have some court orders against him IV o's and I don't know what and he's been trying and trying and trying. But sometimes there are mothers who are just nasty. They keep the father away from the children for the personal vendetta. Some fathers are like that, also towards the mother. I'm not saying just one side, but it happens a lot. And I hear it a lot. And I get frustrated a lot. And

00:57:50 --> 00:57:58

what can you do? Subhanallah fathers are absent by force. I say I need the father. No, Over my dead body. The father can't be there. Some of them have legitimate excuses.

00:57:59 --> 00:58:00

Sometimes they don't.

00:58:01 --> 00:58:08

Many times I've called the the absent so called absent father. And he cries on the phone. Many times I've had father cry to me.

00:58:10 --> 00:58:40

Wallahi I tried my best. They say I try my daughter. I miss them. I haven't eaten I'm destroyed. But their mother wouldn't let me. And this didn't let me and they put this on me and they put false accusations against me. Hello. Sometimes the other way around. Some mothers get mistreated like that. And they're abused as well. Both parents remember the children SubhanAllah. And then they're stuck. I remember sometimes daughters, they get brainwashed. I don't want the father whatsoever. I don't even want to be called by his name. I don't want him present. I say hello.

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It's happened to me many times. Sometimes I say I don't even want his surname. This is a major sin to deny your lineage means that you were born on the street from some what the milkman who?

00:58:52 --> 00:59:31

Who is your father, this is an insult to you and to your mother. When you say I don't want to be called by my father's name. That's a major sin in Islam. If you don't know who your father is, that's bad. We have to have the father there. Sometimes the father delegates something now I can't delegate anybody I want so and so. Don't be stubborn. Insha Allah you know, family bring families together marriage is also serious contract. So these are some advices run the sisters I don't mean anyone in particular just in general insha Allah. And so the conditions are number one, identity of the couple. Number two consent of the couple. Number three, the Welly the guardian of the girl,

00:59:31 --> 00:59:52

number four to Muslim witnesses, who are known to be generally trustworthy, a good reputation. Number five, there is no legal impediment to the marriage. There's no legal or Islamic impediment, no reasons why you shouldn't get married. So for example, in Islam, you discovered that this person

00:59:53 --> 00:59:59

is your half brother or half sister, you can't marry them that's an impediment. You discover that they're still married to someone else. That's an impact.

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menti can't marry. And this by the way, by the way, the Islamic and illegal ones here in Australia kind of agree a lot with the legal impediments. There's, there's a lot of agreement, there's some disagreements, but at the end of the day, no legal impediments, and I advise you all to go by the law because it's going to cause a tension and problem in your marriage. You want a smooth marriage insha Allah Allah. So

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unless you only the law is going to make a do something oppressive, and that's not inshallah that's doesn't exist. But at the end of the day, make sure that you can have a smooth marriage in sha Allah Jota isla. So these are the five conditions. And the sixth thing is the right. It's called the right of marriage. The bridal gift, we call it Muhammad, or in English, they say, dowry or Dawa. It's not the correct translation, but we'll explain it soon. Let's move to the two witnesses, the two witnesses only in the Maliki school of thought.

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You don't have to have two witnesses at the time of the contract. But you must have the witnesses at the time of consummation. Some people, they do the contract and they say, we'll have our wedding and moving together six months later. We have this in our Islamic culture. Because in our Islam, we don't have boyfriend and girlfriend relationships. You don't go out together and meet together and then you get married years later. We don't have that. That's the shaitan Zwei. We don't.

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I'm so tempted to say can I say it? You don't try before you buy? Anyway, that's you don't you don't do that. Sorry. I have to say it. We don't go out and do the haram. And then we think should we get married? You've been living like married couples anyway. Well, I do marriage sometimes for people who've been together for a long time. They've got children, and they want to get married and make it halal. It's a big problem. Brothers Sisters, do it the right way and shall and save yourself the headache and the heartache. Anyway, you have to have two witnesses. Generally, the two witnesses have to be Muslim, trustworthy, should they be men or women?

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Well, the unanimous agreement of all the scholars and the classical scholars, there should be women, but I'm going to men sorry, they have to be men. There is however, in one of the opinions of the humbly school and the

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I think it's the Maliki school. I think one of them don't hold me to account. They say that. If you have to have one men and two women, they said that's at least less problematic. Why? Why can't Why don't you have women? Well, it's got to do with society and communities, throughout society throughout this 1000, hundreds throughout our cultures. Most of the time it is the men who are involved in the contract of the marriage, women are not normally involved. So they say if you have the women, it's going to be a problem. Right for us is going to be ambiguous people are going to ask what do you mean, but women don't usually attend. Here in Australia. In the West, we have a lot of

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women they do attend. So to save us from our problem, we say, Look, just have two men, just so that nobody says anything. So long as the men are available Hamdulillah. And even if you don't have the two witnesses, and nobody wants to be a witness, then you have to do it publicly in front of the audience. The audience can be witnesses as well. If there are audience, Muslim audience, they can be witness, it's not a problem.

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Now we come down to the last thing, which is called the mother. The mother, my dear brothers and sisters is something you have to give to the wife that she requests. You don't give it to the Father. You don't give it to the brother You don't give it to anyone she requests it. And if you are able to fulfill it, Mahara means loosely said a bridal gift, but it's compulsory by God. So it's not literally a gift. It's a compulsory giving, that you agree you can agree with her father, she can talk but she has to agree with it. And she's happy with it, it can be a ring it can be jewelry, it can be a gold nugget can be a land the car or house, it can be money it can be anything can be 100

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of service doesn't matter. So long as it's within your means. And the easier it is the better.

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Some people write

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for example, a diamond drink to the value of 4000 $5,000 and jewelry to the value of say $7,000 Some of them do that. Some of them they say $10,000 put towards the furniture $5,000 towards jewelry, and $20,000 You give it later when you have it. Some people they write hush trip, a hush trip. So if they don't go to Hajj however, let's say God forbid they got divorced or a death happened. We say you pay you pay her you give her the equivalent of what has is equal to some of them, they agreed to other things. Whatever they agree to, it doesn't really matter whether it's a lot or a little bit if you agree to it. It's a debt. And Allah says give the women their sadhaks or documents, the honesty

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the token of honesty that you promised with good heartedness. Don't even show that you are hesitant after you have agreed to it. If you haven't agreed to it. Yeah, you have the right

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Like to negotiate, but it's not a business transaction, you are not buying her it's not a price. If it was a price, who would have said this much? set a price what she wants? Why do you do it? Why do we have this? Well, again, you got to know the roles, the role of the husband is what

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to provide.

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And to protect, to look after the best interests and affairs of his family in the first degrees, he is the leader of that he will be responsible for his wife and children. Part of providing could be money. So in the time of the marriage, okay, it's a form of honesty, if you really are true to your word that you will provide my daughter and you will prove it and she says you provide for me then she requests this you give it if you can. So it's a token of honesty number two, it's a proof that you can provide number three it is a gift to make her feel that she's special.

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This is other than the wedding ring this is called the mouth and number four

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it is to show the seriousness of the contract now there's a psychology to men and women are a bit different. In our psychology I'll give you an example. Have you ever been to an all you can eat place?

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No. No you haven't here in Australia of all the candidate hands I've been to all you can eat Come on give yourselves up because not only can eat

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I can see you to

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have a baby that's good cost a lot of money to have that Masha Allah brother the belly is beautiful sons very attractive to some women. Allah Kula * brothers sisters, you go to an all you can eat.

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Your wife,

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your wife goes to get her food from all you can eat. There's 100 Different foods there. What do they do the wife and her sisters and the daughters. And then the husband comes along. This is what I've seen. The wife goes, I think that green color there is nice. I like that yellow thing. It looks nice. And I take one little piece and put it on their plate, then I get another little piece. And it's like, it's just fun for them. So colorful food. The husband comes up says my God, I've paid $500 for this. So I got to eat the worth of $500 He goes and gets all the food whether he likes it or doesn't, he gets the spaghetti, the rice, the chicken, the fried stuff, the stuffs gonna give him

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a heart attack. I don't care. I gotta eat $500 Worth, isn't that right? So for the money, psychologically, his pocket is very important. For the wife, it's more about, you know, cosmetics and enjoyment and happiness, so long as we're together doesn't matter about money. This is in generally speaking. In general, the husband, his pocket is very, very precious.

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And the wife, she also finds her husband's pocket precious in sha Allah. But Allah knows gift from that which you find surprise gift from your wealth to this woman that you're going to marry, show that you will you are prepared and that materialism is nothing to you in sha Allah, you're not afraid to spend on your family. So having said this, brothers and sisters, there is a psychological difference. And Allah Subhana Allah has made it compulsory. If the method has not been agreed upon before the contract of marriage, it's okay the contract of marriage is still valid, but it's owed. You have to agree on it. If you don't agree during your whole married life, let's say you got

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married, there was no matter.

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And the husband died and never gave her the right. Then if she wants it, we asked her, she might say I don't want any matter, then it's okay. Allah says in the Quran, if you have agreed on him or her and she forgives her all out of her own goodwill without being pressured or asked. Allah says then there's no harm upon your own men keep them out. But if she wants it, you must give it to the last sent to the last gold nugget everything to last coin. So if he dies and there was no matter agreed upon, then she is given a Maha equal to the women who are like her in her own caliber and finances and family lifestyle.

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Oh, she might say it's okay. Or she can name it or she can say I think if

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that makes sense. Subhanallah and if they divorce, and he hasn't written him or her.

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Then Allah says in the Quran, you must be generous without her asking. Give her lots help her.

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Be generous to her like give her gifts. Just out of you know happened to divorce this heartbroken. Be generous to her. She's still your sister in Islam, one brother, he said

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to his friend, I'm getting divorced. He said, why? What did your wife do? Because she's my wife. No, but we know man with loyalty and honor talks about his wife. She's still my wife, man. We're going to get divorced. So anyway, the guy got divorced. His friend comes up because now that you're divorced, what did you do? It's a bit of a nosy bugger. So he comes up and says she's still in her Ida. In Islam, the three menstrual cycles of the wife has to go through, hoping in the hope that maybe they'll reconcile That's why Allah put that

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he goes she's in her

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demand, she's still my wife. We're just you know, separated. I want to talk about my wife. Then they went over she was completely divorced, gone. He said, Now she's no longer your wife. What would she do? She was happy before she was my wife. Now she's my sister in Islam and she's someone else's daughter. A Muslim doesn't talk about other people's daughters say never got anything out of them. And that's insha Allah that we can learn from this brother and sisters don't talk about even if you got divorced, whatever happened at the end of the day will brothers sisters, things go wrong sometimes unless you have to unless you need to to protect yourself or to defend yourself because

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you have laws involved you have to just say what's necessary but don't go on a vendetta fighting each other brothers sisters, I asked the last panel with the Isla that this long listen tonight. I'm sorry I took long has benefited you. This is crucial information I've always wanted to say and there's so much more to say. My camera man may Allah reward him. His needs to go so my cameraman Where have you gone has left his camera and gone

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Habibi, Hatami. It's not here. Anyway, if you have any questions, brothers and sisters, I'll stay for another 15 minutes insha Allah and everybody go to your wives and husbands and children as well. SallAllahu ala Nabina Muhammad Ali, he was on the edge of mine

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