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Marriage – Top Tips, Romance, Conflict Resolution, Secret Second Wives

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Asim Khan

Channel: Asim Khan

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Bismillahirrahmanirrahim Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh everyone, I hope you're all well and welcome back to another m fi podcast with your host should be and very excited for this one. Why? Because we are welcoming back a previous guest of ours. And actually it's it's, it's because of your demand and your comments. Mashallah, in the comments, we've had a few requests to bring this particular guest back. This only, by the way, the second time that we've, you know, reintroduced a repeat guest. First one was chef Hasib nor, I believe, and this time, we have the pleasure of welcoming back our deal. We'll start our sim harness when it comes to La Liga, Salaam Alaikum. How

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does that go ahead for inviting me back? handleless Good to have you back. Stephanie, good to have you back. We had you on episode six, I believe.

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Completely different because that one we discussed the Arabic language studying abroad in Egypt, etc. is interesting. Because remember, I messaged you that recently, because I went to I went to an event. And one brother pulled me to the side at the event. And I've never met him before he was outside of London. And he was I just want to say, Hey, thank you so much. And I was like, Oh, why? And he said, You know, I listened to your podcast with him. And the moment I heard it, I basically made my mind up that I want to study abroad in Egypt, I booked my tickets. Well, I went out there for a few months. And now I know firsthand.

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And I was like, wow, what you're telling me that? It was just by listening to the episodes like it motivated me to do something. So I was like, how come that is so amazing. And obviously it shows that in Charlotte, it is it has benefit. And, and thank you to our viewers and listeners as well, that they've taken the initiative to actually, you know, take these tips. One of my teachers would say that good words like raindrops, you never know where one is going to land. Yeah. So he said, so basically tried to, say as many good things in your life as possible, you don't know that effect will happen where land, especially social media, yeah, he said something good. And it can just

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spread to different parts of the world online, and you can affect people in such a positive way. That's amazing. But yeah, it's good to have you back. And yeah, so like I said, last one was about Arabic, and you know, studying, today's one's gonna be a bit different, different as good as it's gonna be definitely quite different. So for those of you who don't know, obviously, what's awesome, is, he's an Imam, as well as he's an advisor for the Islamic Council of Europe, where he will deal he deals with a lot of, you know, marriage reconciliation issues. So we're going to kind of discuss that and tap into that today. It's a huge thing. Marriage, of course, is, is something that is

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always spoken about, but then we have the other side to it as well, which is, you know, unfortunately, sometimes there can be conflicts within the marriage. And, and people, you know, they don't know who to turn to other times, they will do services, like like, like yourself, chef and did come to the Imam, to kind of like, you know, seek some advice. There's only today we thought we would speak about this into the episode. But I want to do something very different that we've never done before. On the show today, right, which I haven't fully prepped you, for. What we're planning to do is something which I'm going to call the not so quick fire round. Okay. Because it's not

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quickfire because that would be like a yes or no. Okay, because the questions are a bit more detailed. You know, we'll give you a bit of time to kind of, to kind of answer is that right? Which has to do with marriage, by the way, so for those of you wondering what this is gonna be about, it's all questions to do with marriage, hot topics, things that people speak about a lot today. So I don't know how this is gonna go. Let's Let's see. Are you ready? Okay. They're not so quickfire rounds. The first time we try and get Ever After all these episodes in. First question to do with marriage is can the youngest sibling get married? Before the oldest sibling is married? Okay, is

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this to do with you? No.

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It's not. Okay.

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Technically, no, there is no order set in this video about, you know, siblings getting married. But my advice is if it can be done in a way that everyone is happy, and everyone's marriage is done in a way that is appropriate, then why not? You know, because it would make your parents happy. It would make the family happy. The problem is when it comes to extremes, young people are left in the lurch for many years, just because you know the person above, sister but that just doesn't want to get married. That's that's a problem. Yeah, definitely. Okay, brilliant. That is a very common question. By the way. That's That's a lot of the times because Yeah, because like you said, there is an ideal

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way of doing things. But there is there are many cases where the youngest sibling is kind of just left Yeah, like, you know, waiting, like they're ready for proposals come, but then because of these kind of like, this order that's in place, maybe based on culture, like no, no, you have to wait. So they wait two, three years and then obviously that can lead to problems as I've seen extreme

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I mean, there's someone who is almost in his 40s. Really, almost in his 40s. Yeah, I mean, he's such a nice person, religious person, good family, but they just really stuck on that thing. You can't unless your older sibling gets married first. And that's that's a huge problem. I actually had a message recently on Instagram from a sister who basically said, asked a similar question. Yeah. And basically turned around and said, she basically came clean and said, well, I've been dating a guy, three years, I've been in a relationship. And that's only the case because my parents have said, No, because my older sibling isn't yet married. So it's like, you know, though, it's not the right way

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of going about things. But then at the same time, there has to be, there has to be some sort of help from the other side, you know, to make make the situation easier. But anyway, that that was the first question. Let's move on to question two, which is, can you get married to someone who's basically outside of your culture?

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So again, technically, yes. And it is advisable to seek someone who's obviously similar social status and understanding.

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I mentioned this as well. And many times a person who's part of the same culture, you don't realize this, you think you've been brought up born and brought up in the UK, so you know, you're cosmopolitan, and you don't have much cultural baggage. But you do, you do, you're very cultural, your food is needs to be in a particular way, your dress sense, you know, your habits, they are all very much defined by culture, maybe not to the same extent as your parents. But when you get married to someone who's from another culture, that becomes a parent straightaway. So the problem here is that technically, yes, you can. So long as you don't expect your wife who's from another culture to

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become, let's say, Pakistani, or your parents don't expect her to become Pakistani. And she doesn't expect you to become maybe because writing for example, yeah, yeah. If you don't have that expectation, then go ahead and get mad. But you need to have a long hard think about that, you know, are you okay with somebody remaining on the culture? And if the answer is yes, fine, but many times people struggle with this. So we always advise trying to get married to someone within your culture. If not, is nothing wrong with then looking outside? So long as with this understanding? Yeah. Brilliant. Okay. Sound sound advice there. Moving on to question number three, which is, is a common

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kind of misconception, we could say, is an arranged marriage, the same as a forced marriage? Because, you know, some people might have this idea that, yeah, maybe you should define both as well, I guess, I suppose everyone's had that experience, where they're talking to a non Muslim colleague. Yeah. So how did you get married, like, Oh, it was arranged and their face drops out.

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It must be so unhappy.

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So yeah, no arranged marriage basically means that you don't date before you get married to this person. And perhaps the person that you chose to get married to was suggested to you buy your parents or family.

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And the benefit of that is, your parents, they know who you are. They also have the experience, and they suggest people that they think are best suited for you, then you have a series of meetings, ask questions. And if you're satisfied that this is the right person, you go ahead and get married. That's what you call an arranged marriage. Obviously, a forced marriage is one where it's against your will, whether it's from your family, whether it's not from your family, you don't want to get married to this person, but despite you not wanting to, is forced upon you. So yeah, there's a big difference between the two now, but you mentioned the important part of the arrange side of things,

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which is that there is a series of meetings, it's not the fact that like, a lot of people think, oh, you have no idea if you're getting married, you're gonna see them on the day. And you're gonna find out what their name is, on the day when you sign the contract. See the names of It's not like that, right? Like, there is a way of getting to know about that person getting to know who you're, you know, who you're getting married to, who you're committing your life to, right, there is even even the profit and loss of them, he advise the person who's getting married to look at the person of interest and to see where there's attraction there.

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Very interesting, because we all know the head, the youth or the person who's when he said that a woman is married for four reasons. And then the last of them was her religiosity.

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And that one we know to be the most important as well. We'll speak about that maybe later on. But the interesting thing he says that a first a person should check for attraction, and then religiosity Yes, so beauty comes first and then the religion comes second. And it's almost as if it's in conflict with the famous Hadith but it's not imagine with Rama was saying that because if you ask about a girl, let's say, and you find out that she's religious, maybe she prays five times a day, she dresses modestly. And then you say, Okay, let's have a meeting and you see that you're not attracted to her. Now, you would have declined

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Someone knowing that they are religious as well. You would have declined a religious person. So much more thing, if you flip that around and say, hang on first level, I don't remember how religious diba would I be attracted to? And if the answer is yes, and then the next step is what she's also religious, you're gonna marry her now. Interesting. So it's a very wise, very wise statement, but I think it does highlight the importance of getting married to someone that you are attracted to. Definitely. Okay, interesting stuff. And the final leave at this final because we've had so much to discuss, bring bringing a bit of heat and spice to this conversation, which is that can a man get

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married? For the second time, in secret without telling his first wife? Yes. So this is the part I get in trouble is exactly.

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It's actually it's actually a growing trend. I've noticed certain communities Yeah.

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Where there's

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a person, you know, Whose marriage for quite a long time, maybe 20 years with children, then goes ahead and gets a second marriage but in secret, right. And they often ask this question that is it permissible? The answer that I give is that technically, your that marriage is valid, even if you didn't tell your first wife, but I would highly advise against that, for a number of reasons. One of them is that

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the life that you're going to now live is a double life. And in order to maintain it, you're going to have till 1000 lies. Yeah, so the nichia may be valid, but those lies are totally wrong. You know, though, you think about that, how many times you're going to be aware of that explained to your first wife? Oh, actually, it was about this, when in fact, it was about that. So you're, you're trapped in a web of lies. The other reason is, because usually those marriages don't last. And the person not only loses his first wife, and perhaps the children turn against him. Yeah. But also the second wife may see that, well, he wasn't very trustworthy when it came to his first wife. So what

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then about me? Yeah, yes, I'm going to be of less significance than the first one. So if a person is going to do this, we advise them do it openly. And do it properly. You know, and then the decision is this.

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But it's important to clarify that, obviously, from a legal point of view, it's valid, is valid, but then what we're saying is, like, morally, it's, it's wrong. Because obviously, technicality, it's like saying, you know,

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it's a bit of a crude example, but horse manure is, is not nebulous, according to city is not impure. That doesn't mean you should sit on a pile of horse poop.

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To get it. So looking at things, technically, yeah, is is a very narrow minded way, making big decisions like this. And like you said, it's a double life. And obviously, they can cause a lot of problems. We see what we see every day is, you know, the first wife, she, she goes crazy, basically, I understand that, understandably, but it's not just that she then demands a divorce, is that the whole family turn against you and your own children are in the middle, you know, some of them, you know, they young adults now. And that type of trauma that's created may have repercussions on them later on in their lives. And you know, you're you're, you're going to be responsible for that.

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You're going to responsible for that. So it's something very complicated. Think about this growing trend. Why do you think that is? wide? Why is that a growing trend? I think it's a growing trend, because of the fact that the world has become a small village. So a lot of these brothers, when they get married a second time, they will go to places like Morocco, or other other countries. Yeah. And because you know, they are getting married outside of the culture is not as

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uncommon, or there's no stigma attached to it, they can easily get married again. And it's almost like you know, every now and again, they will go to this country, and spend time with the second wife and then come back, they romanticize it like that. Yeah. But the reality of the ground is quite different. So I think because easy access, because traveling because of low cost airlines, yeah. This type of lifestyle becomes a bit more accessible. There may be obviously other reasons as well, perhaps that people are not as happy as they wish they could be in a marriage. And that's a that's a big discussion in and of itself, people's expectations of what marriage is supposed to be like, no,

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have you been born and brought up in Bollywood movies, and then the day comes for your marriage, you you've got a big expectation as to what you want to get, you know what you expect from this marriage. The other thing is that when you don't get it,

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and when the romance isn't as wonderful as you imagined, and the love begins to fade, the fact that we live in such a sexualized society, and the fact that, you know, mixing with other people is so easy and work on the street.

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online or social media is a recipe of disaster has created, which is that I believe that I should have a romantic loving marriage. That's my expectation. Yeah. And at the same time, not only am I not getting it, but I'm kind of getting something similar from my work colleague, online, this person showing interest in me. And don't I deserve to be someone who's loved to have happiness, etc, etc. And the shaytaan just comes along and takes big time advantage of that. And you find yourself in a harem relationship, you find yourself being unfaithful. And unfortunately, that is a growing trend. I'm seeing that as an Imam. I'm seeing that as someone who works in the Sharia Council, and

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is really devastating because you think, okay, maybe it's brothers, right? being unfaithful.

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I probably think that is equal for sisters as well. And they're not, you know, people that are far away from their religion. They're people that are practicing, pray that cover up, etc, etc. And they ended up they end up doing, you know, really, really horrendous things where they're having affairs. And you're thinking to yourself, what happened? How did you go down that path? And again, it comes down to Why did you get married in the first place? And this is an important point. I think a lot of people struggle to understand this if you student oximetry and asked 100 people, what's a good reason to get married? People can't answer like, because you're in love, for romance, for

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companionship, maybe to avoid being lonely. A lot of people suffer from loneliness. And just to avoid being lonely, just want some companions. Yeah, there's this one 711. All those reasons, though, they're not negative or bad. That's not the reason why the process that I'm told us to get made, yes is very interesting. He said an inauthentic had the youth and the government's and that the family member somebody Felisa mean kneeland marriages from my tradition, and whoever turns away from my tradition, I have nothing to do with him. And the other hand, is that either this older laptop or This document is for Dean, when a slave gets married, he completes half of his religion.

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Yes, it is disputed Hadees. But the meaning I'm sure we all know about it. And some scholars said it is authentic is all it really does give us a different perspective of marriage, because the person in both of these is saying that marriage is a religious decision, supposed to benefit you religiously, as if to say marriage is supposed to make you into a better Muslim, we can help you complete your faith, your next step towards our last panel with Allah. So if you got married, on the basis that I'm doing it to become a better Muslim. Not just because I want a loving, romantic relationship with somebody else, even though I do want those things. But this is the main underlying

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reason later on, when the love fades, it goes up and down.

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And somebody else shows you interest maybe at work, you're going to be like,

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I got married to stop myself doing these kind of things. Yeah, I got married to protect myself from Xena. Why then Am I going to entertain, you know, advances of other people? I got made for this very reason you see, but if you got married for love and romance, then this becomes a lot more difficult to say no to. Yeah, yeah. So getting married for the right reasons is super important. Yeah, I think so one thing you mentioned, which is that living in a like overly or hyper sexualized society that is obviously clearly having an effect on people. So, you know, this romanticized idea of almost like, I don't know from from it's not it's not the case always, of course not. But, you know, with

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brothers For example, when it comes to marrying again, then it's, it's, it's feeding into this whole idea of, you know, sometimes they use even the dean to justify So one thing I don't know if you agree with this, but sometimes like I've spoken about it before, we're brothers over like, right, yeah. And I'm doing it because it's a Sunnah. So I'm like, you're fine. I mean, we're not denying that. Yeah, prophesized and married multiple times, but, you know, so is for example, in a being good to your spouse helping out at home, all of these things are from the Sunnah, but because they're not as appealing. We only use the Sunnah, when it kind of when it suits us. Does that make

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sense? What I'm trying to say, ya know, people, people use quotation from the Quran and Sunnah for their own benefit all the time, both sides, mere men and women. But I think

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that the fact is that no one can dispute

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that having a happy marriage means a happy life. Having a happy marriage means that you become a stable, more productive individual. And the opposite of that.

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You know, one brothers, Paulo recently is going through marriage problems, think he's been separated from his wife for, I think, coming up to a few months now. He's really struggling, he's, he's almost on the verge of depression. And he said that, you know, the only two times in my life right now the I feel relaxed, number one when I'm sleeping. And number two when I'm praying,

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because you know, when you have a problem in your marriage, it permeates into a problem at work in the misdeeds with friends.

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Everything just becomes tainted. Because the home is that one place, we need to find relaxation, calmness. And if that is a problem area, it just spills out into every other part of your life. Yes. Where marriage is, you know, is super important to be clear on how you need to invest in it, how much effort you put into it, and how you need to maintain it. I think maintenance of a marriage is where people, they need some help and guidance. Yeah, I remember hearing once and you know, going going to the story with eyeshadow the line how you remember when there was an incident of the if you notice fabrications Lyle's made against her.

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I remember, you know, hearing from from a shareholder, you're saying that, you know, during that time, she felt quite ill. Yeah. And she obviously had no idea what was going on for sort of for about a month, she was at home, and she was quite ill. And obviously, the processor knew, you know, what the people were saying and what the Medina's were talking about at the time.

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And I should have made an interesting point, he was like, you know, you know, how the Hadith mentions how promises would come, just ask her how she's doing. And that was it. Like even he mentioned, he wasn't the same as you would normally be with me. So he was saying that the reason why she felt quite ill and not the same was because she suspected from the process of them that in terms of their relationship in terms of their marriage, things weren't the same. So his point was basically like, it has an effect, you know, when the husband is down, the wife is going to be down and vice versa. Yeah. I thought that was quite a profound point that he is, is I mean, look, the

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process of him. He is the strongest, toughest, you know, most resilient person this world has ever seen. Yet, a love began and ended his mission with a woman by sight, which is phenomenal. You think about when you stumble out the cave receive revelation the first time he was he was shocked. He was really, you know, look at the Hashi to Alan FC said to his wife. You know, I fear for myself. I think I've gone mad. But the first person he went to in his most difficult moment, wasn't his bestie it wasn't somebody else. It was his wife. Khadija zombie loonies Amina Cover me upcoming. She covered him up, she consoled him, she gave him words that reassured him she took him to her cousin

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watarrka, who affirm that you become a prophet of God. And that helped him and then fast forward the last days of his life, you know, going through the pangs of death in and out of consciousness with a fever. Who is he with his then wife, Aisha sitting in her lap, in one region in the arms. And that is how he left this worldly about with a woman in the beginning. And at the end, as if to say that if he despite being so tough and strong and resilient, was made better, with a woman by side what about the rest of us? You know, and I think this way I don't like when brothers they joke around a lot about marriage, even citizens or the marriage is always the butt of the joke, you know, either.

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It's about you know, brothers needing to get a visa to go from chicken to talking about rainclouds talking about their husbands? You know, it's fair enough, you don't even in any car. Okay, I did a little speech. And I mentioned the importance of not being so negative about marriage. And

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I don't think he was listening because the first thing he said is, I heard that there's a heavy that whoever gets married completes half of their religion. So me I was completely finished.

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Don't do that. Very often, a joke is fine. Nowadays, marriage is often spoken of in a very negative way, ball and chain, you know, you're tied down. Are you sure you want to do this? But for the process system? You know, the year that Fertitta passed away, is named is dubbed as Armand who isn't the yield squirrel. Yeah. And the companion said that after he buried her he wasn't seen smiling for months on end. And that's what his management to Him and He loved us so much. They later years his then wife, Aisha and others, they will become so jealous, because you will keep talking about her. Yeah, Chateau de la. She said, you know, I've never been so jealous of one of his co wives, as I am

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about Khadija. Even though I never saw her.

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She never got to see.

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And in one reason she says that, you know, I said to him unkind words about something to the effect of Allah has given you something much better, someone younger, more fertile. Why don't you let go and the person she said that his face changed color. And he became angry and he said, Allah never replaced me with someone better. When I first came, and I told people to believe they said, You're a lion. And she said, No, you're a man of truth. And I should never open my mouth. about it. This is a lot of jealousy. There's another generation. barinas generation I was reduced me to tears because I've never heard about a love like this is the narration by a llama holla. So her teacher she had a

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sister His name is Hala and many years after he just passed away. All right. She says that her does she visited us. She came

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I was sitting in front the person inside her home. She's not and she asked permission to come inside. And the process that I saw that he he got up his face it became lit up. And he said Allah Maha Allah O Allah tala, I became so jealous, because I knew that just hearing the voice of her sister made him so happy. The voice of the system deja made the person so happy because it reminded him of what type of love is this? You know, this is the type of love that this is not the type of love that you're gonna see on social media, the overly fantasize, you know, stuff, right. This is this is like, you know, people people, yeah, this is real. Yeah, exactly. We love. You know, one

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thing I was going to ask you, I know, we haven't got to the main kind of point of discussion yet. But since you mentioned that, I mean, so you mentioned how marriage is seen as something negative nowadays, right? And you also mentioned earlier on, like, you know, if you were to stand in Oxford Street, for example, in a busy shopping mall, and ask people 100 people about marriage, what what they would say, I feel like today, even Muslims amongst Muslims, and I wanted to get your thoughts on this, that people are starting to kind of lose sight of the importance of marriage, the Institute, institution of marriage, you know, so if you ask someone, they're like, well, I love

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someone. So what's what's a paper going to do? What's you know, Mr. And Mrs. Going to do? Like, if I love someone, even Muslims, like I've heard them say, like, I don't need to get married. Well, and it comes back to obviously, we know it's an act of worship is completing half of your deen. But, you know, why do you think that is? And what is what what would you respond to someone who, for example, says I don't believe marriage is important. I can just collaborate with so I can live with someone. Yeah. So I mean, times have changed a lot. But cheating is still considered a really bad thing. Yeah, anything is still considered like, you know, if you do it, the wrong, people. Now you're a

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cheater, and you're tainted.

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And the reason being is because when you're cheated on that feeling of being destroyed, of your trust being shattered, is something people can relate to as being one of the worst things. Yeah.

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But what created the environment where cheating became so easy?

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One of the things was, there was no official commitment to that religion in the first place. It's really interesting, the way people talk about, you know, relationship goes, you know, when do you become exclusive? When are you semi exclusive? What does being exclusive mean? And, you know, there's no real code around what it means to be a loyal, faithful. You know, some people they're like, it's okay, if someone looks at my other half, so long as they don't speak to some people like, it's okay. Some people look and talk as long as they don't touch. And you're like, Whoa, let's go, let me know what is right. What is Yeah. But suppiler when you have commitment, you have created the

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environment for successful relationship. So when two people get married, and they have a contract, and the Quran calls it mytho and Haleakala, which means a very heavy, very well bound contract between these two people, which is witnessed by others, and then celebrated in the community, now the two have been put into a space where their relationship can grow. And they can have a level of trust with each other, you know, can't walk out just like that, she can't just turn around and say, I don't want to be with you anymore. This is an official thing. And any rational person would see, you know, the benefit behind that, and the

00:28:32--> 00:29:14

negatives behind casual relationships. And people, you know, they, they try to rationalize it. But the fact is that every person wants trust in the relationship, you know, every person wants it, but how do you induce trust into relationship? He needs some formality. It needs some kind of codes. And this is what this is what Islam gives us, gives us that recipe to help create that trust. So Very good. Very good. Two points. Let me just move on, because I want to get to something which people are listening are probably gonna say I was so negative, because we're talking about something so negative, right? speak about something positive. It's all about positivity. Right? Yeah. But

00:29:14--> 00:29:34

sometimes you need to address certain issues, right, as part of education, educating others, and obviously yourself as an Imam who's far more experienced than myself, you know, and, and a counselor, you know, and everyone knows that something like, you know, divorce is on the rise and relationships, marriages are breaking up.

00:29:35--> 00:29:59

For whatever reason, that may be right. And there's many factors which are which are involved in this and I myself have seen it and it's not, you know, any, any person that just has a small insight, especially in the Muslim community, right, we can talk about in general, but if we speak about even the Muslim community, small insight, you will see that there is a huge, huge problem. Marriages breaking up left, right and center, horror stories. People reaching out people even

00:30:00--> 00:30:38

mailing, sending DMS, you know, just in very difficult, vulnerable situations. And let's maybe ask this question first as to why is it that we've got to this stage not that divorce was never a thing before divorce has always been a thing. And we know that, obviously divorce is something which you can resort to. It's not like Haram, you can resort to as a last option once you've gone through the procedures. But why do you Why do you think there might be different factors? Why do you think personally that divorce is on the rise and marriages are breaking up? Divorce is definitely on the rise. According to the Office for National Statistics in this country in 2012, the rate of divorce

00:30:38--> 00:30:52

was around about four to 2% 42% 2% in 20 to 2012, that was okay. And 2017. There was there was in in that one year alone, more than 100,000 divorces that took place in this country, okay?

00:30:53--> 00:31:00

was really shocking, even more than that is that the average lifespan of a marriage in the UK in 2017 is 12 and a half years,

00:31:01--> 00:31:37

which is shocking, because it means that you have broken a marriage after spending, which is probably the most, you know, wonderful part of your youth with this person. And maybe you had kids as well. Yeah, no, that's a bigger divorce than a divorce in the first couple of years. Another shocking thing is the age that people are getting divorced in this country is between the age of 40 and 50. Okay, so you're thinking like Daddy, in that age, where your parents, you're definitely parent to your children or your parents. And you know,

00:31:38--> 00:32:01

why would you get divorced, went spend most of your life with this person? What is there to come after this? You know, I mean, it's only you could move on and do other things. But what would really motivate you? Yeah, and I can understand when you're saying, you know what, I'm gonna cut myself loose, you're gonna go and do something else. But at that age, right, what would you do? Maybe that's just non Muslims. You know,

00:32:02--> 00:32:14

I remember one of my teachers couple years ago, he said, I want everyone to have mental exercise, I want you to think about 10 people from your own circle of friends and family that got married, and then count backwards, how many got divorced,

00:32:15--> 00:32:32

we took a minute to do that, I came up with the figure of four out of 10 are shocked to see that almost half of the audience came with the same figure, or more, which is what 50% of Muslims are getting divorced, which is basically on par with what's happening.

00:32:33--> 00:32:35

Happening amongst non Muslims

00:32:36--> 00:32:37

is a huge problem.

00:32:39--> 00:32:43

Everyone knows that a happy marriage with love and warmth.

00:32:44--> 00:33:23

is good, not just for the couple, but for the children's mental and physical well being. And everyone knows now with lots of studies that show that children, if they are brought up in a broken home with neglect or abuse, they end up to have behavioral problems, educational problems, there's a predisposition to crime, etc, etc. And that's why it's upon law, the process of me highlighted the, you know, the eagerness of shaytan. To destroy marriage, the authentic had even say Muslim, in a belief, say Allah, Allahu Allah every evening, he said, at least he puts his throne on the water meaning out there in the ocean, in the world of the jinns. it bleeds comes out and all of his

00:33:23--> 00:33:50

soldiers, they flock towards him trying to vie for his attention. And the person said that one of them will say, you know, if I look at the work that I did this really evil thing is this really evil thing. And shadow will say Masatoshi done nothing whatsoever, until one of them will come and say, You know what, I never left them until I caused them to split. And now that the president says that he believes he says, You've done a wonderful thing, another ration for your demo. He gets off his throat and he hugs him.

00:33:51--> 00:34:04

Why does it please take so much joy in breaking a marriage is because of the repercussions of that. And my mom, she's been a counselor for maybe 30 years now dealing with caution and counseling.

00:34:05--> 00:34:44

She says that when people divorce, and couples divorce, oftentimes they divorce their children as well. What that means is that they get they split up, but they will use their children intentionally or unintentionally, to score to to basically for their own interests, by turning them against the other person, turn the kids against the husband and the kid, then the kid he turns, he turns them against the wife and the social ills that are created from that are so numerous that he believes he recognizes that you know, if I could just destroy this one relationship, I'll create havoc in the community. And Apollo, one of my teachers recently said something quite amazing. He said that if you

00:34:44--> 00:34:54

want unity of the oma focus on unity of the family, if the family are united, then we are in a better position to unite as an myself.

00:34:55--> 00:34:58

So the question about why people are getting divorce

00:34:59--> 00:34:59

is

00:35:00--> 00:35:36

a lengthy one coming up. I mentioned a few things. Yeah, one of them have already mentioned, which is people are not don't have clarity on why they get married in the first place. Yes. So if you're clear that I got married, in order to take that step towards Allah, you'll find great stability to protect myself from temptation, lusts and desires in order to have a family that will raise to leave as a legacy that will help me in the grave. Yeah, then you will be able to tolerate a lot of the difficulties that come your way, when your marriage begins to go through difficult times. That's I guess, like that first point is to focus on that for a second. It links in that's the first thing

00:35:36--> 00:36:08

that came to my mind when you mentioned the stats. And when you said that, it's between the age of 40 and 50. get divorced. And we find that quite strange. But maybe it's the fact that because there was no clarity to begin with, yeah, and and the problems in the marriage, they kind of just brushed under the carpet got, it just gets to a stage where all of that builds up, you get to that age of 14, there's like, you know, I can't take any Yeah. And that's it, it's, you end the marriage there. And then, so it kind of there is a link, there is a link, because my mom's got this wonderful, quite a wonderful ways. It's about something quite negative, she's got this wonderful description of

00:36:08--> 00:36:12

marriage problems. She says a marriage problem is like a leaking tap in a bathtub.

00:36:13--> 00:36:43

So every day, tap, tap tap, there's a little drop that falls into his bathtub, and it's unnoticeable, because just one drop of water, but after a certain amount of time, it will reach the brim. And then the one drop will fall, and there will be a flood. And the beauty of that of the analysis is that some problems become irreversible if you leave them for too long. Yeah. And I think this is another reason why people are or divorces on the rise that this is not this is no

00:36:44--> 00:37:25

communication about problems and dealing with them. What's fascinating is in the Quran, Allah tells us that the person he wants had the most problem. Yeah. Which To be honest, is quite reassuring for regular people like me that if you get promoted from you, like Hang on, it was actually also went through imagine as I can read about inside the Quran, the story goes that he told one of his wives a secret as he leaked it to a co wife. So it was like a breach of trust, an issue has arisen. Now the Quran tells us that the way he dealt with that out of about the who Allah unbound that he divulged or he told about a part of it. And he kept another part away, meaning he communicated what the issue

00:37:25--> 00:37:51

was. But he did it in an indirect way. Which is quite amazing. Because it shows us number one that he did communicate his feelings when he saw there was a problem. A lot of people they like to throw things under the carpet and say, you know, it'll get better by itself. Sometimes they do. Other times they don't, they only snowboard and become worse. So the first thing is, look, I need to if I see that this is a problem.

00:37:52--> 00:38:20

Let me let me address it, but how you're going to address it? Or you can lose your cool. Are you going to start insulting shouting, screaming No, the process tell him he did it in a way that was indirect, as if he was kind of alluding to the fact that I know that you told someone my secret. But you know, I would appreciate if you hadn't done this and, you know, your trust means a lot to me, etc, etc. So she's sitting there thinking, does he know? Or does he not know? You know, because the way he's talking about his being very indirect. And

00:38:21--> 00:38:53

what that does is that it prevents a person from becoming defensive, it stops the clash of egos and it makes a person more more willing to change for the other person. Even though I'm wrong the way he's dealing with it is in such a nice, loving, respectful way. You know, I I'm not gonna do that again, because this is really bad for me. So communication is is one thing. The other thing is tolerance. I think I've you know, my mom, she she said that one of the short is weddings. She's heard of was one day long.

00:38:54--> 00:38:57

One day long, one day long. Yeah. So what happened was that

00:38:58--> 00:39:03

they had the nigga on one day the next is what do you man the nikka What happened is that the groom

00:39:04--> 00:39:05

fashionably turned up late.

00:39:06--> 00:39:22

He turned up late, maybe I'll make a statement or whatever. Okay. So the sisters then you know, the sister if she comes earlier than the guy on the wedding days? Yeah, doesn't that's not good. So what happened is that nothing was said the next day well, even

00:39:23--> 00:39:46

now, the sister comes fashionably late. You will want only two hours a day. The soundstage on the state on the couch. He said, Do you know why I came late? Because you turned up late yesterday. Never gonna do that to me again. The guy was so furious. He said what are divorce you I don't want to be with you anymore. They got mad on the Lima

00:39:47--> 00:39:59

OH MY GOD. They got divorced. Lima I think to myself Suhana LA is going on here is literally no tolerance. Our parents they had that over us you know

00:40:00--> 00:40:03

People can take is too extreme. There is a there is a saying.

00:40:04--> 00:40:05

My wife told me about this thing that

00:40:07--> 00:40:09

you leave in a red suit, you come back in a coffin.

00:40:12--> 00:40:21

Which is what the Father will say to his daughter when she goes by basically you go don't come back. Anyway, you're gonna come back, isn't it? Which is extreme? Yeah. Yeah.

00:40:22--> 00:40:23

But

00:40:24--> 00:40:52

it's obviously that and that leads to another problems completely separate, which is that stigma that's attached to a divorcee, for example, you know, something went wrong, yes down the line, which might not even be her fault yet. And because of that she has to suffer for the rest of our life. That is obviously another issue, isn't it? This is Yeah, this is the opposite extreme of, you know, wherever happens don't come back home is at the first sight of a problem. I've seen this the daughter, she follows her mom and says, Mom, you know what?

00:40:53--> 00:41:34

things not going too. Well. You know, I had a bit of an argument last night. I was about to say. Your bed is super warm over here. Come on. Yeah, forget about him. Forget about him. This is another extreme. Because now the husband has to win over the heart of his wife and his mother and the father and all the touch and touches that I've got involved my time so. So my advice is brothers sisters. need to learn to have a big heart. Yeah, they will be annoyances you need to ignore them. Big things, address them small things. Ignore them. Don't keep diaries of sins. You know, if you have an argument, say Yeah, well, last year, March 20. In our 20th of March, you said exactly. I'm gonna

00:41:34--> 00:42:08

read down here word for word. He chased people's mistakes. Yeah, it just causes bitterness, learn to just be tolerant, let things go. And in Arabic, they call this the awful. human animal rahimullah said that nine tenths of formidable character is the half of which means being easygoing with people's mistakes. Now, this is a recipe of success in a relationship in particular marriage. Yeah, I think so. So so that that is a really good point about tolerance. Yeah, definitely a big one. I think, you know, we kind of touched on it before, which is the expectations as well, you know, what your expectation of marriage is.

00:42:09--> 00:42:26

And then not like, expecting too much or not expecting, like, you know, so much from your spouse, because again, that could lead to disappointment, because they're still human beings. They've got other things to do. And I had an incident few months, actually, that literally, I think, two months after the actual kneecap was done.

00:42:27--> 00:42:40

The guy was complaining because he was like, you know, I think I may have made the worst decision in my life. And we're like, okay, what's the issue? issue was that it turns out that the guy he got married to,

00:42:42--> 00:43:17

literally from from day one, she was expecting gifts, like every day, like every day, okay, every time you come home and have a gift, and then he's like, and initially he thought, okay, like, I need to give gifts to my wife. No problem. So you used to buy gifts. And then it was it was like, now but I want like Gucci on top of the range. And this like, regularly, like, she's expecting top of the range stuff, brand new shoes, brand new bags all the time. And he's like, I literally can't afford it. Yeah, I cannot afford I can't keep up this lifestyle. Two months in, and he's already thinking of me.

00:43:18--> 00:43:50

Why? Because clearly there's that, you know, she had a certain expectation. Yeah. And we could say this should have been maybe discussed beforehand, you know, before we even got into it, made things clear out the details, you know, like, yeah, this is this is what I'm like, this is what I can afford kind of thing. Right? Yeah. But I think that is also what I've seen is, is a huge thing, you know, people expect something or they expect their wife that the opposite has happened, where the guy has expected his wife to do this, come into the house and do everything. So everything up. Yeah. And then when she doesn't, it's like, oh, but I expect you to do that. So that's another huge clash,

00:43:50--> 00:44:27

I've realized is is I think this is, you know, one of those things when you're looking for a spouse. What kind of things to ask about. And one of the things you should ask about is the type of lifestyle that other person is. Yeah, you know, for for a brother who wants a very homely wife, a lot brothers, they shouldn't be shy to admit that they want a homely wife. Yep. That, how do they verify that? How do they find out whether or not their wife or their wife to be with this girl will be like this? Yeah. Awesome. Where do you spend most of your time? How much time do you spend with your family? Your grandparents, your nephews, your nieces, your cousins? Do you like to go out

00:44:27--> 00:44:42

often? You know, the majority of your free days spent where those kind of questions will give you an idea as to you know, the type of lifestyle that this sister lives. You know, this is one thing but the other thing is in the marriage itself.

00:44:43--> 00:44:59

You can raise expectations. Yeah. With communication. Yes, you know, you can so I'm going to tell you a very extreme story. I've changed the details a little bit too, just for confidentiality purposes, but there was a brother. You know, he got married and after two years

00:45:00--> 00:45:44

got divorced. And everyone's really shocked. Because what they saw were two people that really loved each other. And they're very close. And why why did you get divorced? Basically, this person came to get some advice. And the reason why they end up getting divorced is because he said they became friends. And so I was like, What do you mean? Friends? Yeah. It means that, you know, we weren't intimate with each other as like, for two years. You never slept with each other? It goes, Well, what happened is, in the beginning, I tried to, well, I didn't know how to. And so it didn't, it never happened. And I thought maybe, you know, there's something wrong with me.

00:45:45--> 00:45:53

Now, we tried a second time. Yeah. And the second time again, it didn't happen. And it didn't work. And

00:45:54--> 00:46:14

what happened is that we just resigned ourselves to the fact that there's something wrong with us, meaning, he thought there's something physically wrong with him. She thought there's something physically wrong with her, but they never spoke about it. Right? I see. So then they just became friends. And then their mom was like, with the gratitude record,

00:46:15--> 00:46:23

with the children with the children, and then it became too much. And they said, you just have to get divorced. Wow. So I was like, hang on a minute.

00:46:24--> 00:46:28

Do you talk about this, too? Like, no, we never spoke of I

00:46:30--> 00:46:57

really should just shut that door. And yeah, it was just a total lack of communication could have saved that could have saved that marriage. So I'd advise brothers and sisters that look, you can manage expectations, you can raise expectations, this all comes down to communication. Yeah, you know, as long as something which is halala they even something that's going to help you, Matt, help your marriage from within the Hello. You know, nothing's off the table, especially if your marriage is going through a difficult time.

00:46:58--> 00:47:32

Yes, I think a lot of what we're talking about is coming down to communication, like says that one key word communication, communicating with each other, speaking to each other. Going back to one instant, you mentioned earlier about, you know, in laws, right, is a huge thing. It was like you mentioned in those marriages, like Oh God, especially on social media, it's actually I don't know how much attention you pay, but like, you know, something like Twitter, for example, right? Twitter is an ideal world of social media, because it's not like Instagram, people posting pictures on Facebook is like general insert on Twitter, you'll find people are a lot more personal. Because it's

00:47:32--> 00:48:04

just words, isn't it? So they're talking about different issues, right? Things are trending and people are talking about so when it comes to marriage, one thing I've realized on Twitter, especially if you if you just leave you can probably do a search and you'll find it right in laws. Okay? It's like the death term now. Where people are literally saying and these people are not even married, but they're saying like, okay, when I when I do get married my in laws they're nothing to me. Or you know, if if someone tells me I need to do something for my mother in law, Hell no, I'm not doing it stuff. So they've already got this attitude. Yes, we're in those are like this thing

00:48:04--> 00:48:08

like, Oh my god, I want nothing to do with them. And you know, in those are just, you know,

00:48:09--> 00:48:42

they're gonna oppress me and they've got this negative image. So, obviously, when you go into a marriage like that, and already your mother and your father knows your enemy. Yeah, you hitlist. Clearly, nothing's going to work. You know, if you've really made your mind up. I've slept in the Muslim thing. I've realized this is this where people and obviously, it's based off these horror stories. Yeah. And, and clearly there are in those that do a lot of the Motrin. Yeah, there's a lot of oppression that take place. But because of that, for you to shut it all off now and like, you know, firstly, can we just actually, since we're on the topic, can we just talk about very briefly,

00:48:42--> 00:49:02

the actual role of an in law like islamically? So for example, if I were to get married, right, and then I have a mother and a father in law, right? What is my obligations and duties towards them? What are they to me how they literally like my mother and father now my second mother and like, what is that? What is that? Let's talk about that. Because maybe a lot of people don't know. Okay, so

00:49:03--> 00:49:44

when when two people get married, yeah, you create a family, two families have come together. So they are relatives in in looser way in terms of the term being fairly elusive away, they are still they have become your family. The problem is when people become technical about these things and say, What exactly are their rights over me? What are my rights over them? When it comes to relationships? It doesn't work like that. Or it doesn't work like you know what's what's her right over me? I'll do that. And then she, if you have a tick box mentality, when it comes to relationship, you find that they, they break down very quickly. Religion is based on love, is based

00:49:44--> 00:49:59

on Rama and Allah. In the Quran, Allah told us about the man and woman which Allah Vina calm my word that very famous verse, Allah says we created between them two things. Number one, muda, which translates to love but more accurately means the show of love or affection.

00:50:00--> 00:50:43

Secondly, secondly, Rama, these two terms are not rights. They're not rights they are to do with values. Yeah, to do with attitudes. And if you think about it, you know, any relationship for it to flourish, there needs to be compassion. And there needs to be some show of care. And especially in marriage, love and affection we have. So I don't like you. When people ask me, What was my, what's her rights over me? What is the right of me? Because see, that's a wrong question. That's not the way it should work. Having said that, if someone asked me, you know, how should I treat my nose? I would say that treat them with respect. Yeah, with good manners, but do not let them interfere with

00:50:43--> 00:50:52

your marriage. Yes, and this is, this is a difficult line to say, I guess, how do we how are we going to define what does interference mean now? Yeah, so

00:50:54--> 00:51:04

first of all, how big a problem is interference in divorce rates? So one of my teachers told me about one of the great judges in Syria. chevalley

00:51:05--> 00:51:22

Rahim, Allah is one of the most formidable scholars of the 20th century, he became a judge in the Syrian courts. And then he moved to become the head. Yeah, the leading judge in the country. And he oversaw family problems, family cases, family law for most of that time.

00:51:23--> 00:51:42

He said that, from his experience, 40% of all divorces are created because of interference by extended family. 40% 40% is a big number. Yeah. 40%. So this is a person who's got expert insight into you. And he's in his and he's talking about this. So I said, it is a huge thing.

00:51:44--> 00:52:02

Also, the prophets have said, and he himself was a father in law to Ali. Ali was his cousin, his he raised him. So he's almost like a son. And then it marries the daughter from Fatima, and it landed on her. And now he becomes a son in law, the processor. There's a few interesting reasons about

00:52:03--> 00:52:39

the marriage between the two of them. One says that one day, Fatima Ali had an argument, and the person came to visit his daughter, he comes inside and he sees Ali's missing. He says, where's Ali? And Fatima says, we had an argument. And he's left. Right. So you know, when you say, Oh, you have an argument to sleep on the couch. You're sleeping on a couch. He was sleeping on the floor in the masjid. So the first thing he goes into the machine, he sees the alley laying on the floor, there's no carpet. So this is just soil. His top gummies has come off. So it is like dust off his body. And the person walks up to me says Columbia Batter up. He says stand up a father of dust and he says pat

00:52:39--> 00:52:39

him down.

00:52:40--> 00:52:57

Now soprano wife I'm fascinated by that narration is that he's a father in law. He just heard that my daughter is upset. Because this one here said something to upset her. Right? But he didn't go up to him and start interrogating him. What do you have to model Are

00:52:58--> 00:53:40

you sleeping over here? Why? Tell me what happened? What not every single thing? How are you going to make up to nothing you just had to stand a father does. And Hollywood later years he will say you know the my favorite nickname is a father of Deus. So he reminisces about that experience as being a positive one. Yes, in another Asian, multi modal, or the Latin and it comes to the woman says she complains about her hands becoming very coarse, dry skin because of the sheer workload she has to do at home. As she asked what a servant to be given to her from some of the beta mother, that person has, you know, is in charge of the prophet Isaiah Salaam. He said I can. But I'll tell you something

00:53:40--> 00:53:46

better. When you go to sleep, say Subhana Allah three times Alhamdulillah three times log but 34 times.

00:53:48--> 00:54:22

And she accepted the advice, the point of disintegration is, couldn't he have said Why is your husband allowing you to work this much? Why does he do this himself? Why is he looking after you so your hands don't become more dried and cut up? He didn't interfere in their marriage. He wanted to give him the space so they could work things out themselves. That doesn't mean that as your daughter comes to you says My husband is treating me really badly do something and you say, No, is your problem. That's not we're talking about that's extreme. But we're talking about don't pry into what's happening in your daughter's marriage. Because by doing that, you may actually create

00:54:22--> 00:54:59

problems because a problem between two people has now become a problem between 345 and whoever else finds out. You know, there's always an auntie with a satellite as well. So she has things out there that everyone finds out about what's going on. It has become a problem of control. So be respectful, be kind, but don't let people dictate what happens in your marriage. So as basically as an as someone who is an in law, father or mother in law, I don't know. The only demographics that are how many mothers and fathers are listening, right. Usually it's the younger generation. But if that is so what we're seeing is that not interfere too much. Yeah. But then coming back to the original

00:54:59--> 00:54:59

question is that

00:55:00--> 00:55:30

You know, do you like what is your than like? Do you ask any questions at all? Do you try to not get involved? You know, I guess interfering? is one thing getting involved? I don't know, if you see, I'm trying to say like, do they just completely get their daughter, my daughter or son married? And like I said, you guys do whatever you want. The kind of thing is like that, or is there some role that they play? You have you give them the space? Yeah. You give them the space, and intentionally make sure that they have

00:55:32--> 00:56:07

a chance to develop that trust and understanding by themselves independent of your input. And I think, for mothers is proves more difficult than for fathers. Yeah. Yeah. But they must realize that you're not doing your son any favors, you know, by praying in the marriage and trying to find out what's going on and giving your own take on why she does what she does. Yeah. Having said that, as a fatherly figure, as a motherly figure, just finding out how your son is doing is just a normal part of conversation. Obviously, nothing. There's nothing wrong with that. Is it the jokes parlor about the extreme understanding of inverse personalities Shake, shake,

00:56:08--> 00:56:12

shake, shake? would I do if I missed my in laws? He said, Well, I reload and try again.

00:56:16--> 00:56:19

As if there's no way you could go, you're in luck.

00:56:20--> 00:56:55

This is this is something we need to study. Yeah. Can't be that negative. To the point that, you know, they say, before getting married, to have to live with your parents, and you have to live with my nose. And though that is a legitimate question, to be so sensitive on this one issue is not helpful, especially when, let's be honest, it's becoming increasingly more difficult to find a husband. Yeah, there's more sisters and brothers. And there's also other problems as well. The fact is that, you know, there needs to be a bit more

00:56:56--> 00:57:20

mature understanding about extended family, and, you know, trying to work with what, with what is presented before you. Yeah, so, you know, like, on a on a real, like, you know, because you because you're dealing with these issues, so do you feel like it is a huge thing, even we said that stat from, you know, the law, but like, today in the UK, or is it a huge thing.

00:57:22--> 00:57:28

I mean, there's a there's an incident with a brother, he's got married, and he doesn't have money, so he has to live with his parents for the foreseeable future.

00:57:30--> 00:57:59

A lot of mothers, they struggle to let go of their sons. So the sons got married, but because there's another woman in the picture, the mother unintentionally, she, you know, puts pressure on that marriage or causes issues between the two of them. And this one brother, he said to me that, you know, since I've been married my mother, she removed the door of my room. Whoa, she removed the door, my room was like, extreme. Because Because, you know, she, she, she doesn't want us to be, you know, together.

00:58:02--> 00:58:42

I was like, wow. But it's Unfortunately, it does happen. Where in laws, you know, they they are, unfortunately, falling prey to these kinds of misbehavior. And they regret it because, you know, you if your dog gets divorced, she's going to come back to your home. Yeah. And the people are gonna start asking questions. It's been five years since be divorced, why didn't she get married again? Yeah. And you're like, here, because this is a taboo, about divorces, you know, and especially for women getting married. Again, this is almost out of the picture. So, you know, that type of life, no one predicted it. But it's reality, if you for women that get divorced in the future, unfortunately,

00:58:42--> 00:59:19

is not right. And that's a factor which we need to be mature enough to take into consideration when thinking about divorce. And what is life going to be like after divorce? Is it going to be really that good? Am I going to be free? Am I going to be able to live my life happily? Or am I going to, I'm going to put myself in a situation where I'm going to be stuck in another way. Yeah. Now, there's this element of temptation, and lust and desire, you know, all of these things going on around me? Am I able to protect myself? These are some things to people need to consider. Yeah, cuz I mean, we spoke about, like, you know, how, how in laws kind of interfere. But you also have the

00:59:19--> 00:59:50

other the other kind of extreme we could call it, which is that the husband or wife themselves, they go home and blab everything, everything out. They're like, Ah, this is what's happening in my marriage. So again, there's no interference, like the parents, they're just getting on with it. Yeah. And it's the actual son or the daughter going home and saying, or calling them up and saying, oh, by the way, is what happened. We had another argument. And that is also wrong, isn't it? Because then it's like, not only are you you know, mentioning something that's personal that you should be dealing with, but now now you can't blame your parents if they're trying to get involved. You know,

00:59:50--> 00:59:57

that kind of thing wasn't on social media. Oh my god. Yeah. Setting the other half on social media intimacies and

00:59:58--> 00:59:59

it's really the biggest the

01:00:00--> 01:00:38

There's Is this the most precious bond of trust is between the husband and wife. And people have to be very sensitive about what they say about the other half. Yeah. And it should be on a needs basis if there is a need to tell someone about something personal. Okay, you may have a basis, but otherwise, don't speak about your life and even at home that if Allah has blessed you with the sound, happy marriage. Yeah. You know, there's so many people that are haters out there, there's so much negativity, there's so much has said the nine, I recommend people, you know, don't promote your happy marriage. And I and this is against Instagram culture, right. So couple goals and everything

01:00:38--> 01:01:13

else, people want to take pictures of them, each other, went on holiday eating together. And it may even be fake. But even if it's real, you're setting yourself up for lots of problems. Because people out there, they're like this suffering that I have that, that I have it and they wish they could have, they could pray for it. And then shaytani just turns it into jealousy. And then you know, you start, you know, feeling the effects of that in your own relationship. Yeah, I mean, so one question that I had, which is, let's say there is now you know, and naturally is gonna be arguments, and there's gonna be there's gonna be things kicking off in the home, right between the husband and the

01:01:13--> 01:01:34

wife. So what would your advice be, you know, let's say, you know, regularly cited, you see few conflicts now, few problems occurring? What would your advice be? What steps should you take before? For example, the guy just gets so angry, he just says the words of divorce. Yeah. And a lot of times they regret it later, they come back, they come to the mom. Yeah. You know, I didn't actually mean it, I was angry. So

01:01:35--> 01:01:38

yeah, as I say, if anyone gets divorced, exactly.

01:01:41--> 01:02:13

Before he gets to that, or before the girl does feel like, you know, I'm just gonna go back home to my parents house where I was happy before, right? before any of that, what would you say? Like a sensible decision would be for a husband or wife to make. So the first step is always to sit down and talk about things. And the studies shown that the first few sentences of a difficult conversation can dictate the outcome of that conversation. So for example, you've had, you found out something that your other other half has done, which really has angered you, frustrated you?

01:02:14--> 01:02:56

And now you want to dress it. So what should you do? Sit down? And don't start off the conversation? Like, how could you do that to me, you know, I left my first wife because of the same thing. No, the next few sentences, most of you are not going to lead to a positive outcome is playing the blame game immediately. But yeah, like spinning the blame, if you had, if you had, if you started with, I know, you didn't mean to hurt me, because you love me, I love you. But what you said, he really did hurt me. You know. And now that conversation can go down a path of reconciliation. One of the amazing things caught on a lot and certainly spoke about marriage difficulties and breakdown and the

01:02:56--> 01:03:37

steps that people need to take to resolve them. And one of the interesting things in that passage, Allah says, in Eureka Islam, you have your killer, who by no means that if both of them truly want to reconcile, Allah will make it happen, which is amazing, that alone will take ownership of your marriage and make your work out. So long as you're being genuine with each other, that you know what, whatever happened, I still want this to succeed. I want it to work out, for my benefit for your own benefit for the benefit of the children. And inshallah, if you come at it with attitude, things, things can things can end up, you know, in maybe even a better place than where they started

01:03:37--> 01:03:57

off. This is the first step to sit down and communicate what you want to say. The second thing is, if you cannot resolve the problem, and it's a significant problem, don't be too shy to get professional help. You just see a couple counselor, see one, you know, I know, many cases where people, they thought their problems were unresolvable.

01:03:58--> 01:04:16

After seeing a specialist or seeing a professional, they managed to work things out, and many times help. Some people think yes, like a random person, I'd go sit down and talk about my problems. I mean, I'll be honest, I was one of those. I was I was that guy. Yeah. Yeah. Many years ago. Was that counseling psychiatrists?

01:04:18--> 01:04:23

Yeah, so but then because of my mom, she's involved in counseling. Yeah.

01:04:24--> 01:04:36

And I think it happened. It kind of dawned on me the significance on it when a friend of mine, he was going through my headphones, which I didn't know about, is actually anyway, yeah, spread of mine. And

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he was actually getting counseling from my own Mum, with his wife, yeah, for over a period of six months. And the really amazing thing is that he's actually coming to my house with his wife to get that casting. I had no idea. Right? Yeah. So then he after, you know, things got resolved. We went out for a meal and he said, you know, after law if it wasn't for your mother, I'll be divorced right now.

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So, where did that come from? Because Yeah, I began counseling and had anger management problems. And I realized a lot of it has to do with my childhood and my parents when they got divorced and was really angry. And when, you know, I heard about how it can affect you. And I was given some practical tips from the law, you know, and that was a nice one, a friend. So someone who's on my level thinks that me and does that. Okay, this thing is serious. Yeah, this is not one of those Hocus Pocus, that there might be some people out there that are not doing it properly. But there is substance behind that. And my advice, specialist brothers, do not be shy to get the help. Because

01:05:39--> 01:05:45

what's on what's on the line is your marriage. And, and the other thing is that when you get divorced,

01:05:46--> 01:06:26

without trying to exhaust effort to make it right, the next marriage you get into, you'll always have a question mark, in your mind. What was the issue before? Yeah, Was it me? Was it her, and then that will play on your mind in the next marriage. And that may even ruin it. So at least when you exhausted your effort to make things work, and then got divorce, you've got peace of mind that, you know, between me and Allah, I know I did my best. And I got help from other people. I tried to work on myself. It didn't it didn't happen. So I ended it with a divorce now, but move on, I can move on knowing where I stood. Yeah. Especially like you said, Men can be shy. It's kind of in our nature,

01:06:26--> 01:06:34

not to, you know, to kind of reserve your emotions. Not Not so much. Oh, look, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Right. So and they were pink t shirts all the time.

01:06:36--> 01:06:47

But that's so when it comes to marriage, it's like, you can't do that. Right? You have to obviously, you know, share what you're feeling. Yeah, with your spouse, or if it did come to counseling them, not to kind of shy away from it. And to at least you know,

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there's benefit. Yes, there's tremendous benefit. Just talking to someone about Yeah, she's excited to do it early as well. And I definitely have a lot of people they let it linger. Yeah. Usually, when a brother constantly says, I've got marriage problems, where he really means I'm going to get divorced tomorrow. Yeah, you know, can I get your hopes up like,

01:07:05--> 01:07:40

a few months ago, and these things is tying up here. So you know, the intraday into Keep your eye on the ball and when you need to help reach out. And there's nothing wrong with that? Definitely. So obviously, like I said, a lot of people could say we're talking about negative things. But you know, these are important. Like we said, you mentioned the statistics is real, is a growing trend is on the rise. And that's why it's important for people to be educated, I think, as well, for anyone who's not married was is there's that important element of being educated about marriage before you even go into it. Because again, there's this whole romanticized idea. I'm going to just get married

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and live this life. Yeah. If you don't know, like, you know, you said, he said, like, you know, forget counseling sort of aanenson. But yeah, there's that element, like, you should at least have some basics of what the current what, what have we been taught as Muslims about marriage? You know, how should we be with our spouses? I always mentioned that, you know, everyone's looking for the perfect ideal spouse. But no one's thinking about how I can become the perfect ideal spouse he was looking for. When you asked me how I want someone who's praying, and I want someone who's this and that, and so are you praying, bro? None. And I was I'm still working on the Dory. She made me pray.

01:08:14--> 01:08:16

Yeah, exactly. That's the other was that no, she liked me.

01:08:17--> 01:08:55

Come on, man. Just get a grip, like, educate yourself. So that is that is also important. But let's obviously come to the end of the podcast to get something more positive, which is 100, on the other hand, is many marriages successful and if people are Mashallah happy, how can we get to that? That's obviously what I want to end with, you know, what are the ingredients, so to speak of a happy successful marriage? What would you say? I think the marriage you should look at as the gateway to your legacy, right? Because through this bond, Allah has opened the doors for so much opportunity. If you just think about your children, what am I teaches, you'd say that make sure you have a

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competition between you and your wife, the first one to teach your child sort of

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whoever gets there first will have the edges of that child saying it for the rest of their life. And if they teach their children that that will drain you. So when that then the relation comes together, something tremendous has happened, because from now on in every good that is generated, because of this relationship, and has an effect on later generations, a copy of that is going to keep on adding to your account when you're in the grave. And then on the Day of Judgment, how many generations will come because of your marriage, every single one of them that has grown up and died on a man and all the actions that came from it will be traced back to that decision, you made that

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match. And that is an untold amount of reward that awaits you. And that that's even a motivation to try harder in your marriage to make it work and successful just so that you know your children flourish in terms of their faith and their character and then you have you can tap into that reward but on a personal level.

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Even if you look at it, like, I'm a businessman, you know, time is money. So I need to make as much money as possible. And I need to, you know, excel in my business endeavors, your marriage is probably crucial to your success in business. Because if you have a problem at home, it's gonna cloud your thought, your judgment, you're not going to be able to focus when you're at work. And so you're going to see the effects of that in your own business. So this one relationship, if you can keep it, you know, in a good place, you will find that your productivity in life will increase as well. And are they say about Panama that, after many years, his wife passed away, and then he got

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married, the next day, the next day, the next day, he was looking for someone to get married, and they were like, you just passed away yesterday, you get married the next day, and he's like, That woman, she helped me to become who I am today, and needed the support of her without that support, who knows. So, in his marriage, he saw, you know, the, the the hype propelled him to become a successful human being in his own right as a scholar. And that works both ways you can offer for sister, you know, she wants to be successful in every aspect of her life, she will need to work on a marriage, she need to give importance to that. And when it gets good, you will see flows you know,

01:11:28--> 01:12:10

in other aspects of your life. So, mental well being physical well being, you know, all of these things, they are directly connected to this one one relationship needs it needs to be it has worked on relay is the best life, it is the best life you can have. If you have a sound marriage, you are living the best life and this is one of the biggest blessings that Allah can bestow upon you ask a larger law to give it to every single one of us, me a law protect us from the whispers of shaitaan. I mean, thank you for that advice. I had one last quick question just kind of bouncing off this whole, you know, secrets to a happy marriage. What would you say about romance? Keeping the romance

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again? Because obviously, it's a you know, coming back to expectation is it's obviously a natural expectation. Yes. To be romantic with your with your spouse? What does Islam say about being romantic? And again, do you have any tips to maintain that throughout the years and not just within the honeymoon period? Yeah, what advice I give is that every one every every month, or every six weeks, have a dinner and a Maha Sabha session with your wife, what does this mean? It means that you take your wife somewhere nice, not chicken and chips, something a bit nicer than that. And your phones are switched off, nobody else has their children, if your children leave them with someone to

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take care of, and you have a nice meal, you enjoy each other's company. And then you speak about the things that you want to achieve in the coming month, in terms of your worship in terms of your character, and the other person is listening. He's just there to help solidify your goals, and to celebrate your success. So say to be like, you know, this month, I really want to increase on my health, of course, I've been slacking, you know, hopefully, maybe

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I'll memorize it during the next month. And you'd be like, that's a fantastic idea. You know, what, every every day just for 15 minutes aside, I'll take care of the kids at that time. You just do your his thing, and you'll achieve it No problem. You did that last year as well. And it worked really well for you. And the same for the husband as well that he talks about his achievements that he wants to do then this this way of evaluating is very important. Because no one knows you like your wife, no one knows you like your husband. They can be real with you. Come on, that's just unrealistic. No, no, come on, you can do much more that you love few years ago, you were paying 200

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you know what he's struggling now for? You know, so. And that's a romantic thing as well. Which wife wouldn't like her husband? Every month? He's going to take me out. I know people appreciate that experience. There's integration about the process that um, that when he got married to God, not that there was a bowl of milk, and he presented it to her to drink. So she drank from it. And then when he took it back, he asked, and which part Did you drink from? And when she pointed to it, he turned it to his own lips and drank from the same part, which is a bit hot under the collar. To be honest, you think of it as a very romantic gesture. This is the way of our promises. Is nothing's wrong.

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Nothing. You know in being romantic, some people they aren't romantic because they don't know how to people genuinely might I never saw my mom or dad ever hold hands and never saw one would ever kiss. I don't know how to show that affection. Go online, find a course.

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Learn how to be romantic. Don't stay don't stay like that. recognize your problem. go seek some help. There's lots of things you can read and do courses. Sharla halaal wants to

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know

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Now I think that's a really good positive and to the to the show, underline nice practice with tips to take away

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the discussion I enjoyed, and obviously, in terms of what we discussed is about marriage and love hearts and stuff like that, but you've actually got a book coming up soon which is known as the heart of the killer. Yes. Which is a classical Tafseer on sort of a scene, I believe, right? Yes. When are we expecting that to come out? What are we expecting in this book? So 100 I've been working on this book for a long time my my personal interest is to have seeds but I noticed that people can't connect with classical waves because the language because you know, it's something a bit distant in terms of the terms that I use I went for sort of a scene and a research that classical

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theater didn't put in an easy to understand English language, complete with some diagrams, illustrations or tables, all these kind of neat things that people can engage with and made into will come to lunch should be coming up in February next year. inshallah. inshallah I look forward to it. halen thank you once again, will I bless you, and of course all of our viewers and listeners, thank you so much for tuning in. And I hope you benefited from this insha Allah, make sure you subscribe to our YouTube channel and on iTunes and drop a comment below maybe leave some tips as well. You know, how you think that we can you know work on marriage, any marriage advice that you

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have any tips that you have from your own experiences? And also let us know what other topics you would want us to discuss on this show. In the future inshallah from your host should be from sad, awesome, fun and the rest of the team. We will see you next time Cuba senior to us. salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.