Married Ever After #02

Ali Hammuda

Channel: Ali Hammuda

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I'm a learner via via Hawaii early he was asking me here Jemaine, dear brothers and sisters, welcome to our session second session from our lecture series titled married ever after.

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Last week, if you remember, we began with an introduction,

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speaking about why we have chosen this topic from the many that could have been chosen. And we did this under around six, six or so headings. And perhaps the most significance of those of those headings was number six.

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Where we spoke about how Shavon has a interest

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in seeing men and woman separated, and the extent to which he celebrates when he hears that one of those who are working for him has achieved in separating between a husband and wife.

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The takeaway message from last week was when shaytaan chooses to put his money down a particular investment down a particular path, then you have to give that topic attention.

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We spoke about some of these statistics that were suggesting that much like the Coronavirus, divorce is also becoming a bit of an epidemic, and perhaps even becoming a pandemic as well. People as far as China, what they call Israel Philistine.

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But at least in the occupied territories, in North America, here in the UK, in the Gulf, the Muslim or non Muslim world, they're all complaining of the exact same thing. We're struggling to keep marriages alive. And it's from the statistics that this lecture series was born. We promised that this evening would be the first of the sessions dealing with the principles. And we gave an introduction to this last week as well, at the end of the class, we said that the model of this lecture series is going to be a series of Quran based principles, we're going to take it apart or parts of it that that deal with the topic of marriage explicitly or implicitly. And then we will

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elaborate upon the I understand its meaning maybe give a few case studies. And wherever relevant, we will also share information from a non Muslim perspective, whether it is legal, historical, or social, to see how we can understand and apply this idea in our lives with the hope of saving the institution of marriage,

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in the lives of Muslims, and I believe that if we take the information

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with the same seriousness, as he who has prepared it for you, I am hope I am hopeful that our relationships mine yours, those marriages that are going to be those marriages that are struggling, that Allah subhanaw taala can and will mend them. And this is the Promise of Allah Almighty for those who resort to his book, seeking guidance. And after all, this is a Quran based approach. Let's take a look therefore, at principle number one.

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Principle number one, I have put it here at the very top

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claiming that it is perhaps one of the most important of principles pertaining to the institution of marriage. And everything else after it is a is a branch is a Farah is a subsidiary.

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This is part of the idea where Allah Almighty said we're a husband Emile Kuhn Metuchen, early Holly

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and have taken from you a firm covenant, a strong agreement, the IRA from Surah, Teresa 21.

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See

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this particular principle that we're now elaborating upon,

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it's not so much in reference to something you have to physically do.

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It's more so about a perception,

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an inner appreciation of marriage that should change.

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That's not something you shift, you move you carry you by yourself. This is a discussion now between you and yourself, nobody else. How does Allah subhanaw taala describe the institution of marriage with huge terms have taken from you Allah said,

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a firm agreement, a strong covenant.

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There isn't any agreement in life

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that you are probably more legally connected to, and has more of a consequence upon your life

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than marriage probably coming second place only to death. The sheer amount of ramifications involved in terms of rights and obligations and ownership and inheritance and hormones.

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and children, and the rest of it. They're all connected to this institution of marriage. And therefore Allah Almighty makes it clear to us that this is a serious agreement.

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However, I'm sure you will agree that we live in a society that is very dismissive towards the institution of marriage. We live in a world that is highly antagonistic to marriage.

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Wherever you look, you feel that you're outvoted. You feel that you're outnumbered.

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There are far fewer institutions building the sanctity of marriage in the hearts of people in comparison to the 1000s, or millions out there, in the form of social media and stand up comedy. And it's like that is deconstructing the importance of marriage in the hearts of people. And that has an effect. Why is it therefore that we don't see it, at least a lot of us the importance of this institution, and therefore, the word of Talaq divorce is always on the tip of our tongues.

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It's a pressure card that he's used, always threatening his wife with. And it's a request that she made me always making from him, divorce me any situation they have divorce me, she says, I will divorce you who says that is a manifestation, a reflection of a person or a couple who are looking down on the institution institution of marriage, not that through the lens that Allah Almighty has given it. So the question here is why?

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What has changed?

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Why is it that we don't see it in marriage, like maybe our fathers, and our grandparents and our predecessors used to see it what has changed, I suggest, or posit that there are several things that have changed. The first thing is the element of education and tarbiyah nurturing,

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you may go to somebody in a rural village somewhere in a more of a traditional setting. And that person may not know the difference between a and b, that person may not be able to count to from one to 10.

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But from a very young age, and that person has been nurtured by their fathers by their mothers may their society that one day, you're going to be married my son, my daughter, one day, you're going to be a dad, one day, you're going to be a mom, on day, you're going to be the head of a household or my son, and so on and so forth. So from a very young age, it's being drummed into his head, that you are a responsible person, so that when marriage finally arrives, it has a holiness to it, it has a sense Sancti sanctity to it, although this person may have no Quran or Hadith.

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So this is one reason, it could be that education is lacking. Today, I eat around the importance of marriage, it could be that terribly, and we're raising our children wrong. With respect to marriage, we're not preparing them for it. This could be a factor why we're so laissez faire, dismissive, belittling,

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and careless with regards to the institution of marriage. Another reason brothers and sisters, I think this is key

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past experiences from haram relationships.

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You may have a person who only ever knew a boyfriend girlfriend type relationship, and he was in all sorts.

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And then he decides she decides that this is haram, we need to change this, we want to make it into a marriage. And so they decide to seal the knot and get married.

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But little do they realize that there are still remnants from the past.

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The fact that he was constantly moving from relationship to relationship, and it wasn't bothering him. And he always knew that I'm not bound to it.

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I can leave whatever I want.

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Sometimes we import this mentality into marriage.

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So the same relaxed approach that we may had, we may have had in the past towards these haram relationships, we bring it into marriage, and we don't suddenly give it the seriousness it deserves. Did you understand this point? Is it clear? So to summarize this point, sometimes people they still have remnants from the past, they bring it into marriage, and therefore they keep marriage on a level playing field with every other haram relationship. Easy come easy go, I can come in and I can leave whenever I want.

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And that's one of the prices that people pay if they have had this type of haram relationships in the past, and the longer the worse it is, but it can be changed. This is a second reason why at times we look down on the importance of marriage. We don't give it the seriousness that Allah is describing in this principle that you just heard. A third reason it could be due to movements,

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isms, in society. Wherever you look, you find people mocking the institution of marriage or actively speaking out against it suggesting that perhaps it shouldn't be canceled all together and replaced with something else.

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And this is represented perhaps more so by the feminist movements. You have the likes of

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Sheila Cronin, Sheila Cronin, the feminist she actually says that the only way that a female can be freed

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and find her true ownership of herself is when the institution of marriage is abolished. Older women now

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you have the likes of Marlene Dixon, who says that the institution of marriage is the chief vehicle that is responsible for the perpetration of the oppression of women.

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And Simone de Beauvoir, in her book, The Second Sex, she says that the institution of marriage is a very alienating one. So wherever you look, you'll find people speaking against it.

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And by the way,

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it's difficult to entirely blame them. A lot of these statements that you just heard, they are reactions to very terrible experiences that people have witnessed in the name of marriage. There have been historical injustice, social injustice, injustice is illegal injustices with respect to weddings and diaries and waiting times to get divorced, even.

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So people give up on it. They say, what's the point?

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There was actually an article in the Law Society Gazette 2019 In June, saying that the

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separated couples who are now waiting for a divorce, they have to wait for an average of 59 weeks to get their divorce.

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So from a non religious perspective, you think yourself, what's the point? Why, well, why do I need to get married.

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So a lot of what you are hearing is a reaction to things that shouldn't represent what marriage is about. So these are three reasons why some of us have a dismissive perception of marriage, because this we're being bombarded with this type of statements. Another reason and this is number four is satire. So Korea is to his app, mockery of marriage, even if it is coming as a joke and something light hearted. And we will speak about this in a few moments between now he beat me like that. Now I would like to show you dear brothers and sisters,

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those covenants in the book of Allah Almighty, those agreements that Allah has described as far as relief as serious and weighty, how many are they? There are only mentioned three times in the Quran? Can you imagine?

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The first of those agreements that Allah Almighty described as being highly firm, is with respect to the agreement that Prophet Musa took from Benny is that I yield the children of Israel,

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where he said to them,

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as Allah Almighty said, we're calling that out our facility. We said to them don't transgress in the Sabbath. What I have now Amina home Mita, Condoleezza and we took from them a covenant, that is the first time it appears in the Quran. Whereas the second time it appears in the Quran, this description of a firm covenant is when Allah subhanho wa Taala he said, What is the name? Amina Naveen, me taka home? Remember when we took from the prophets, their agreement and agreement from them?

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What is a husband I mean and maybe even AMITA whom I mean can from you are Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam what we know and from Noah well Ibrahim well Musa where are you? 70 Maria and Abraham and Moses and Jesus son of Mary. And how is the AYA concluded?

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Well I have the Nermeen whom Mita Kendra lever and we took from them a covenant. Where is the third time it appears in the Quran? It is in surah Tunisia Chapter Four where Allah Almighty describes marriage by saying, Well can you fit that who the winner who are called the Alpha bow to Camila about how can you take back the berry the dowry from your women, whilst one of you has gone into the other one I have Nermeen whom may 2 kaniva. Well I have Nermeen Komiza cantilever I have taken from you a

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covenant.

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So the third context in which it appears is in the institution of marriage, Allahu Akbar. I want to give you some examples, dear brothers and sisters,

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how the Sharia has shown you and I that this relationship of marriage is like none other. Wallah he if we were to apply this principle and appreciate it, I believe it will transform our relationships because you see this person in front of you husband or wife as one of your gateways to Allah's pleasure or his or his wrath.

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Look at how he speaks about women allihies salatu salam as wives and how he speaks about men as husbands.

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He said about the women as a man will tell me the generate a man wanna set you on the authority of Abishai. He said Alayhi Salatu was Salam Allahumma inni or hamradio haka by Fania T.

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Meanwhile Mara, oh Allah Prophet Muhammad says Allah lives

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Oh Allah I deem it to highly sinful

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when the rights of the two weak ones are overlooked

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the orphan and the woman. Listen to that again. Oh Allah Who said I deem it highly sinful when the rights of the two weak ones are violated who are the two weak ones according to him, Annie husana to the orphan and the and the woman. And then look at what he said about men. It's the same level of importance when they are husbands. What did he say? I know he set out to sit down.

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The wife of

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Al husaini been messin, excuse me, the auntie of AlHassan you know, medicine, the ante of Al Hussein of new medicine came to the prophets and I send them with a request. She needed assistance with something and so he helped her

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and then he wanted to give her some advice. He said to her

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Are you a married woman?

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She said I am.

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And then he said to her okay for anti Minho. How do you behave in His presence? She said la Lu Illa Mustapa. She said, I tried to not prevent him from anything he requires, except those matters that I really struggle with. And then he said to her, fun, Laurie Aina and demean Hoover in my whole agenda to Qian Ark, he said to her, be very careful and observant how you are with him, because indeed, he is your paradise or your hell,

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though you know, he is your paradise or your hell.

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So when you are a woman as a wife, the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, it is very sinful for to have your rights violated. And when you are a husband, you are the paradise or the hell Allahu Akbar. So how can we see this relationship marriage as any other relationship. And this dear brothers and sisters, therefore, is part of the problem when we come into any agreement in life.

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Better a mobile phone contract with Vodafone, or a higher purchase deal, or anything like that, you know, the ins and outs of the contract. So you're not caught by surprise. But then when you sit a lot, you when you sit with a lot of couples who are disputing and you hear what they have to say you realize that part of their problem is that when they came into this marriage, they had no idea what was the requirements of marriage, what the rights and obligations are, what the expectations are, what the Islamic vision of marriages.

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And therefore, this is principle number one. It is for these reasons why I personally feel that it is not suitable to joke about marriage.

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Even if you're going to do it lightheartedly. Right, you've got no ill intentions. You don't mean anything bad, you don't mean to serve a non Islamic cause. It's just a joke ticket easy, take it on the chin. I don't think it is suitable at all. And many others have mentioned this to joke about marriage.

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Because you don't know who is listening. And you don't know how it will be interpreted. And the very nature of satire,

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ridicule mockery.

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It's supposed to remove the legitimacy of something to strip it from importance, so that you can see straight through it.

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So when you have a society that is a religious, it's not religious, it means anything can be mocked, whether that's the prophets, whether that's religion, whether that's God, whether that's marriage. For us, it's a different discussion. There are certain things that are sanctified and they cannot be mocked or joked about. I truly feel that marriage falls in that department. Because look at how Allah Almighty spoke about it. And look at how the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam spoke about it.

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And therefore, when you see these types of things, whether it's through a whatsapp image that you share, whether it's a tweet, whether it's a meme, whether it's a caricature image of some sort,

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you are mocking fatherhood, you're mocking motherhood, you're mocking marriage, you're mocking the abilities of one or the other to fulfill their responsibilities.

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You have the young who are hearing this, or the old and you have the happily married or those who are not so happily married. And whether you realize it or not, you are sending subliminal messages in their mind to not take the institution of marriage seriously. Just like anything else, and therefore therefore it should be a red line. And what surprises me personally, my dear brothers and sisters is that a lot of these jokes are issued by so called life coaches, and brothers who are delivering courses like this and lectures at universities and delivering real

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codings for social media, but for the purpose of being light hearted and to make the people laugh and to get the mood going, we crack a joke here and there about how useless men are, how useless women are, how useless marriage is. And you get these, you know, condolences types of jokes, right? And it's a brother, for example, who could have been crying to you a few years ago saying, I, I need to get married. I'm struggling. I really need to find a wife and and and, and then the moment Allah gives him with married, what does he start doing to show that he's a man, right? He's married. Yeah, I'm married now. Condolences. Oh, I mean, congratulations. And I'm thinking to myself, wow, it's

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like you have forgotten yourself. You have forgotten who you are a few years ago. Now that Allah has blessed you, you are mocking it. This is not an institution to be mocked. You hear jokes like a person saying we saw a man who was at the funeral of his wife and he was standing at the grave of his wife making dua to Allah saying, Oh Allah. She is divorced. She is divorced. She is divorced. They said to her, why are you trying to divorce her? She's already died. He says just in case she follows me into gender. She is my wife in general. We take this lightheartedly. But is this an institution to be joked about? I would argue certainly no. In fact, one of these brothers himself

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during the course. He said sisters,

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and he's trying to be funny and I guess

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he says if you if you fall out, if you have a if you have a calamity in life, generally speaking, try to keep a photo of your husband in your in your wallet.

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Why he says so that whenever you are going through trauma in your life and a major challenge and a big obstacle, just take out the photo look at it and say to yourself, if I can deal with that I can deal with anything else in life and it will make you be able to deal with your challenge. How can somebody take marriage seriously after that? It will send a message if I am constantly mocking your car, your Vauxhall Astra your banger your wreck your heap of junk your bone rattler this that the other? Will it not get to a point where you will look at your current thing. You know what, maybe it's time for me to change it. If somebody is constantly dropping jokes about your looks, your ears,

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your nose, your color, your height, your weight, your weight, will you not go home and eventually look into the mirror and say My goodness, I need to be a little bit more self conscious, right? If somebody is constantly drumming into your head that marriage is ridiculous. Marriage is a cage marriage is a project in prison, bla bla bla bla, it has to affect a percentage of people. And that is the purpose of satire. satire, by the way, is not just about making people laugh. That's comedy. It's about changing perceptions through amusements and ridicule. And we can't afford to do that when Allah Almighty said about this institution as What, me thuc and Ron Eva, a firm covenant. What is

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even more worrying is that we are ridiculing the institution of marriage when the opposite is being glorified and promoted.

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So what am I left with? If the only Halal option which is marriage is being ridiculed?

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And we live in a society when the alternative is being promoted, glorified, beautifying.

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What do we do in that situation? And even in the Muslim field themselves, when, for example, a brother who was having a hard time at home with his with his wife, and then he goes on to social media, and he sees these beautiful reporters, beautiful presenters carefully curated images, edited Instagram photos, what is he thinking? Those jokes, they start coming back.

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And similarly, a sister who may be having issues with her husband at home, like we all do with our spouses, and then she goes to the masjid she goes to the university lecture theatre to hear an Islamic lecture, and they're in front of the house is a che who looks 10 out of 10. The beard is carefully trimmed, maybe he's dyed it to cover the grays and Topi. Maybe the mama is absolutely picture perfect, crispy smells Gucci, Chanel, everything. And then she begins to compare. Well, my husband doesn't speak that eloquently. He doesn't look that good. My husband's knowledge doesn't come have to this man's knowledge. And then the poor lady ends up thinking that this man looks like

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this 24 hours a day. Like he wakes up in the morning with the Imam on his head and he comes out of the bathroom with a carefully I unfold. The point of mentioning this Dear Brothers and Sisters is that when we are mocking the institution of marriage, even if lightheartedly, and on top of that, add another layer of complexity. The opposite is being glorified, and everything is exposed and we can see everything about everyone's life today. What are you left with? We are left with a problem.

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You have James Sexton, who is a divorce lawyer, and he's been in this field dealing with custody disputes for 20 odd years. And there was an interview between him and someone called Sean ailing Sean Ealing.

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He said to him,

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in your experience, you've had 1000s of people coming in and out of your office dealing with marital disputes.

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What is your number one bit of advice for those people who are looking to get married? And what was the advice? He said, Take marriage very seriously.

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And then he goes on to say, consider it like a car. And he says, I hate to give you the example of a car because some people unfortunately, they give more respect and more thought,

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to the buying of a car than tying a knot with another human being. He says like a car, if you were to ask the average person, what is your dream car? What car would you like? He would say I would like a Ferrari, I'd like a Lambo.

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And then if you say to that person hold on a minute, the car that you're going to have is going to be your only car and it will be with you for the rest of your life.

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Will it be the Ferrari and the Lambo? Or will he be required to re evaluate the answer, he will reevaluate the answer why? Because we recognize that the car that you desire when you're 20 years old, is a little bit different than the car that you desire. When you're 30 years old, when you got two or three kids now wanting to join the ride.

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Take the marriage seriously.

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And understand that this is not just about pacifying passion, dealing with the romance with a person that you have just crossed roads with, but you're coming into the one of the biggest contracts in existence. Whereby when you are involved with this person, you are also involved with Allah.

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Remember, brothers and sisters,

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that this man he is, dear sisters, your paradise or your hell. And remember, dear brothers, that this woman that you have married has taken from you a farm covenant. And I believe that many of the problems will be flushed out just by virtue of realizing the weight of this marriage. And that can come through reading through consultation and through the attending of courses like this and others. The second principle I would like to share with you

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is where Allah subhanaw taala who said in Surah 24.

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One keahole Mu ko Masada Hain I mean a birdie como eco.

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Where he said Subhana wa taala, instructing us who to get married, who to get married to he said, marry those single ones from amongst you and the righteous ones whether male or female.

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The key word here I want us to highlight your brothers and sisters is our Salah he in the righteous ones, look at the criteria that was set by Allah Jalla Jalla Allah.

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We are not seeing by the way and this is a short disclaimer I mentioned here before we proceed, we are not saying to dismiss other important factors like Catha compatibility between the spouses

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and other personal desires or requests or things that you wish for as a man or as a woman. In this person, we are talking about the bedrock. We are talking about the pillar of the marriage, we are talking about what will last and survive the test of time.

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And that is Salah righteousness in the prayer.

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Allah says marry the righteous ones from amongst you whether male or female life dear brothers and sisters or brother marriage, marriage is a journey

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that is filled with challenges where you are required to make some very tough decisions sometimes in that marital relationship.

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And we as human beings, we make decisions on the basis of values that we have.

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And as Muslims, the most important value for us is Islam and the pleasure of Allah. Therefore, the more Islam you share with your spouse, the easier it will be to make those difficult decisions in life because you're both singing from the same hymn sheet. You're both in the same waters.

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But when the bedrock of religion is missing, or you guys are at completely different levels,

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because you didn't take into consideration when getting married.

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making those decisions in life becomes very complicated. Basic questions may cause a dispute. Like which school are we going to send our children to?

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Are we going to save up money for 100 next year or not?

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Are we going to dedicate a space in the house to pray together as a family?

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Yeah, basic questions like halal and haram food where should we be eating from? Income how are we making money in this household? Basic questions becomes a source of

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Lighting, because this second principle of a successful marriage was overlooked. When Allah said was sila Hain I mean anybody can let you marry the righteous ones

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from your people.

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Look at how the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has emphasized the importance of finding righteousness in the male finding righteousness in the female.

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As for the men, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said,

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in the Hadith, he vomited within the rates on the authority of Abu Hatem al Madani he, he said, either Yeah, I could mentor loaner Gina who work who Luca who further we do. So we do. If a man comes to you,

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wanting the hand of your daughter in marriage, and you are satisfied with his religious commitment, and you're satisfied with his manners, then accept that person.

00:31:00--> 00:31:08

Then accept that person what was the condition for the husband, o'clock, manners, and religion

00:31:09--> 00:31:13

Subhanallah I believe that both of them have come hand in hand.

00:31:14--> 00:31:25

And the the relationship cannot truly be successful and properly prosper. Islamically if one of those two are missing, it's not enough to say this man is on the dean.

00:31:26--> 00:31:28

But there's no management the people

00:31:30--> 00:31:45

and it's also the opposite scenario is probably more more likely where a sister she may say to her family. I'm interested in this individual. He has such good manners, but he's not praying at the moment. Inshallah he will change.

00:31:46--> 00:31:54

Prophets. I seldom said you're happy with his religion, and you're happy with his conduct with people with his UCLA. This is a person to marry.

00:31:56--> 00:32:21

That is what he said about the husbands What did he say about wives something very similar. A parallel Hadith Bukhari and Muslim right on the authority of Ebihara era that the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said in the famous Hadith don't get hold. Of course everybody who has memorized this hadith don't get hold Marathi. herba Vijay Mallya, Ali Hassan Ali, Maddy her only Deen you have felt for me that the deen 30 But yeah, Jack, he said women are usually married on the basis of

00:32:22--> 00:32:41

several matters, either because of her beauty or her lineage or her money or her religion. Then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, I advise you Oh Muslims to marry the religiously committed one May you prosper. May you prosper, Allahu Akbar. See,

00:32:42--> 00:32:49

many issues that later arise between husband and wife could have been resolved.

00:32:50--> 00:32:52

If this principle number two was observed,

00:32:53--> 00:32:55

when they came to tie the knot,

00:32:57--> 00:32:57

right?

00:33:00--> 00:33:08

Is this the type of person I see raising my children? Is this the type of man she may say who I see myself with in another 40 years from now.

00:33:10--> 00:33:13

And sometimes we only realize that we have made the wrong decision.

00:33:14--> 00:33:27

Not too long after those passionate expressions of love and the roller coaster of emotions has finally settled and realized we realized that oh my god, I didn't apply principle number two when Allah Almighty said Salah righteousness as a condition.

00:33:28--> 00:33:31

Yeah, many issues could have been resolved.

00:33:32--> 00:33:46

If we had been a little bit more diligent and did the background checks and fought with our brains, not with other parts of our body, one keyhole hmm, income Boswellia Hey, marry those who are righteous, Allah Almighty, Allah Almighty instructs.

00:33:49--> 00:33:54

Maybe you have also experienced it, where a brother may go to a particular family

00:33:55--> 00:34:01

having an interest in the daughter of that family.

00:34:03--> 00:34:13

And then you see the level of importance that is placed just by virtue of the questions that are asked. Yes. So the question may be, do you have a job or you're working?

00:34:14--> 00:34:23

And he says, something along the lines of I'm in the process, or I'm looking for work or something like that. And because of that, it's a blanket rejection.

00:34:24--> 00:34:41

Nothing else investigated. Now, I appreciate that fathers would like to take care of the prosperity of their daughters and they want them protected. I have no issues with that. My main issue is with the other scenario. Now, if we flip around this scenario, where they may ask him, are you working? He says, Yeah, I'm working

00:34:42--> 00:34:54

by Yep. And I have a house and I have a car. Everything's in place. Doctor, architect, whatever it may be. And the news comes to the family that This man doesn't breed.

00:34:55--> 00:34:59

This man is just a one shot to hit Friday. Do masala

00:35:01--> 00:35:21

They say inshallah he'll start bringing even the light Allah he will change, I believe. So when it comes to the conditions about dunya we're very rigid and uncompromising. But when it comes to religion we're very lacks. And then we wonder Subhan Allah, Allah v y, a few months into this relationship or a few years, we get the phone call that

00:35:22--> 00:35:37

your daughter has just been battered, she's been hit, she's been broken or bruised or, or we he starts complaining, for example, that she has no idea about his rights in the house. And he doesn't feel like he's being treated as a king of the home.

00:35:38--> 00:35:50

While there was a basic rule here that was overlooked by all of those involved in this scenario, which is that if this person is unable to give Allah Almighty His basic rights, what makes you think he's going to give your daughter her rights?

00:35:51--> 00:36:00

Honestly use it as a benchmark, it solves so many issues and it gives you an indicator of the person at hand. Regardless of the smiles and what they may say about themselves,

00:36:01--> 00:36:13

Allah Almighty is basic rights and we can never fulfill his rights of Salah cin. No inshallah we'll make him pray. Inshallah I will make her wear the hijab. Don't worry about that. We'll get there together in sha Allah.

00:36:15--> 00:36:39

Yeah, good luck. May Allah subhanaw taala give you tofield really brothers and sisters, it could happen and it has happened and there are good examples of relationships that got off on the wrong foot. Don't get me wrong, and Allah had mercy upon them. But this is not the default. The default is Anki Hola, Yama Minica masala hain. And inadequate you might look for those people of righteousness. Messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said

00:36:43--> 00:36:45

as the man will tell me the generates on the authority of Taliban

00:36:48--> 00:36:55

the Companions they said to him era Soon Allah Hey, are you in Medina turkey? What type of what type of wealth should we seek to acquire?

00:36:57--> 00:37:00

He gave them an answer that they were not expecting.

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He said to them Leah Taffy they

00:37:05--> 00:37:36

call Ben Shakira Wally son and the Akira Amara. Slowly heightened to our you know, our Honda coma Allah unreal Akira. He said, the wealth that you should seek to attain is this. And he gave them an answer that they were not expecting. You should seek to attain a heart that is grateful to Allah and a mouth that is praising Allah and a righteous spouse who will help you in your journey to the hereafter Allahu Akbar.

00:37:37--> 00:37:52

And he said dunya Marita, the hadith of Muslim on the authority of Abdullah he Muhammad Abdullah house, a dunya metallic life is an enjoyment or how you will matter I have to say the best enjoyment that this world could offer is a righteous wife.

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A disclaimer I would like to add here by the way, what is your understanding of a righteous wife, a righteous husband, by the way,

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just so that we're not disappointed.

00:38:04--> 00:38:08

Is our understanding of a righteous spouse that Allah wants from us is a

00:38:09--> 00:38:20

is a woman who was in a black Ida from head to toe and her face is covered in yellow, you can see an inch of her body. Is this the religious or anti that you're looking for?

00:38:21--> 00:38:23

What are you understanding of a religious woman?

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And I am not belittling that. The Hijab is part of the deen and the niqab is part of the deen. No one can take that away from the religion regardless of how many TEDx talks they would like to give.

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But I am talking about what is the religion in your eyes, I can get him just so that you're not disappointed later on in your relationship.

00:38:46--> 00:38:52

gloves and socks and face. This is the religion limited limited to exclusive to this.

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And then you find out that this woman behind this veil that has impressed you is backstabbing. She's a backstabbing, lying woman.

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Or she is a an Amana, a woman who moves between people spreading gossip to spread corruption and break relationships. Or she is an individual who has many different faces, mashallah, if she sat with the religious group, and if she can sing with them, if she sat with that with the people of dunya, and maybe haram, she knows how to communicate that that level as well.

00:39:28--> 00:39:59

She may be somebody who doesn't pray. She may be somebody who has all sorts of extra religious activity. And we have seen this over and over again, brothers and sisters. And the same I will say, for our sisters, what is your understanding of a religious brother? Who has a long beard and a miswak in his pocket and a short thought? And don't get me wrong, this is from the religion and no one can belittle that or take it away. But I'm saying what is your understanding of a religious man?

00:40:01--> 00:40:10

He may be dressed the pot he may have videos on YouTube and a huge following on social media, but he's an addict to pornography.

00:40:11--> 00:40:19

So he's an addict to other types of substances that he's injecting or inhaling or selling even in a in the law is not possible.

00:40:21--> 00:40:35

He could be a man who has had so much envy towards other people. He may have fallen out with his mom and dad she may not be speaking with her parents either. What is your understanding of a religious person just the mother here mother Ah here outward appearance but no macabre

00:40:36--> 00:40:41

no internal no internal quality of Ira but no macabre

00:40:42--> 00:40:51

part of the deen I can carry mortal carry Mesa Clark is Manos did he Salam Salam not see that the heaviest thing that will be weighed on the Day of Judgment is manners.

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What is your understanding of religiosity you know in a person that you're looking for religion is, is not cheating people with regards to their wealth, not calling them out of their money, not bringing in Haram money into the house. That's religion. Religion is when you sister oatmeal cream, you guard your tongue, you don't speak about people behind their backs, you don't show hazard and envy towards something clear that others Allah has given some and you want to take it away from them.

00:41:19--> 00:41:29

Religion is about having a pure heart. Clean heart that doesn't have the enmity towards a believer, purifying your tongue, purifying your hands from the harm of others.

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This is also part of the religion. So ensure just so that you're not disappointed

00:41:37--> 00:41:43

to appreciate your spouse that you have now. She may not be doing certain things that are required.

00:41:45--> 00:41:54

From an appearance perspective we ask Allah Almighty to guide her and to guide him if he is wondering, if he is if he is Jani, if he is susceptible to this as well.

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But at the same token, look at the hair Allah has given you have they not protected you with regards to your honor on your children, they have reserved their love to you and they know what they gaze when they see the Haram and see things from a from a larger perspective brothers and sisters. Lastly, with regards to this principle before we move on, how can we ensure that the person we are looking to marry is a righteous person? What do we do? There are several things that we can do when we have to ultimately rely upon Allah. One of those things that we can do from a practical perspective is Make dua now if you are not a married person particularly and even if you're married,

00:42:30--> 00:42:51

make the Quranic dua Robina have learned I mean as Gina or to react you know, Kurata ion, or Allah give us from our spouses and from our children, those who will be the coolness of our eyes, and ask many of those brothers and sisters who are living some of the happiest days of their lives today. They will tell you we used to make this dua religiously back when we were still bachelors

00:42:52--> 00:43:10

do our second thing. When marriage gets a little bit more real. Right is the hara the prayer of consultation. Learn how to pray it if you're not sure, pray it over and over again. And don't wait for a dream. Don't wait for any vision. Number three background checks. References don't get caught in the moment.

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Love at first sight we have to get married regardless of who agrees or disagrees. I can carry McTell Karema, just for your peace of mind and to spare you a headache, do your background checks. Test the religion of that person, one way or another in what is suitable and appropriate. Give it time to simmer. And that's why I personally have a big issue marrying

00:43:34--> 00:43:39

a sister for example, with a brother who has decided to take his shahada on the day of the market.

00:43:41--> 00:43:52

I'm not doubting his sincerity, but who am I to do that he may be better than every one of the one of us in the city in the eyes of Allah. But I'm talking now from a marriage perspective. Have you done your checks?

00:43:53--> 00:44:03

Are you confident that this is the year of marriage that could last you have no indication? The fella at hand he's only two and a half minutes old as a Muslim.

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And then you wonder why later on he may have left the religion or he may have pushed you to leave the religion or you are striving to make him a better person but his friends of the past are pulling him back. And vice versa a brother who says she is the one okay. She is the one I can Karima we heard that there are certain issues. I am going to change that in sha Allah I'm gonna do your background checks and be patient and take this principle number two very seriously very seriously your brothers and sisters, while Canada and America are slightly behind me

00:44:39--> 00:44:44

I just want to check the time how long we have gone for it so that we don't go over the time

00:44:48--> 00:44:55

Yeah, so we've been now 15 minutes or so let's try to cover as much as we can from principle number three and we will conclude maybe in 10 minutes inshallah.

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Principle number three is where Allah subhana wa

00:45:00--> 00:45:00

Allah He said,

00:45:01--> 00:45:06

Why Jaya Isla Bina Come, my word that and voila Surah to room

00:45:07--> 00:45:21

Surah 30 aisle 21. He has placed Allah He has placed between you love and mercy. Well let us translate it as affection and mercy Allah has placed between you affection and mercy.

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How do we bring about the affection and the mercy we will discuss this next week with delight Allah but let us just quickly introduce this principle. First of all, what is the difference between hope, love

00:45:36--> 00:45:47

and what Allah describes in this area as Maota affection? He said, We have placed between Humahuaca affection and mercy. He didn't say we put love and mercy between you although love is undoubtedly there.

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What is the difference between the two? Does anybody know?

00:45:53--> 00:45:58

So you can guess, love and affection or hope and my word?

00:46:01--> 00:46:05

Any ideas for him? You are our senior? What is a is a belief.

00:46:07--> 00:46:13

A commitment. Okay, one is a belief one is a commitment. It's very close to the answer. I'm looking for

00:46:15--> 00:46:17

good staff who show up so you could

00:46:18--> 00:46:26

treat them. So you could love someone but you treat them very poorly. John Deere says, when you're affectionate towards someone you're treating them.

00:46:27--> 00:46:39

So this is the answer. Some of the scholars have mentioned that one of the differences between mawatha affection and hope love is that love is the name of the feeling that you have towards that individual.

00:46:40--> 00:46:55

Yeah, that's the attraction. That's the the care, the the longing, the yearning for them is I think that may even keep you up at night, in the early parts of your marriage perhaps or your engagement. It's that fire that burns within you. That's the hope that's the law.

00:46:57--> 00:47:19

The my Wonder, however, the affection which Allah speaks about in the eye here is what Allah who I'm in reference to what you then do about that love, how you show the love, that is the murder, the affection. So the gift, the smile, the hug, the intimacy, the time spent together, and so on and so forth. This is the expression of the love, this is America.

00:47:21--> 00:47:37

And undoubtedly, my word therefore is different to love because it involves interaction, there is a communication between the two, they are in each other's presence. And therefore here we have to be careful. And that's why Allah says We have also placed mercy between you.

00:47:39--> 00:48:23

And it is true that some people they harm those whom they love them because of love. Where that love becomes unbridled, uncontrolled, completely out of its lane and, and they end up harming that person because of obsessive love. Agreed. So Allah says, We have placed affection and mercy between you just like a child, because a person who is obsessively in love can have childlike tendencies. And a child, he has a toy, he loves his toy. And wherever he goes, the toy is with him right next to him when he's asleep next to him when he's eating. But he will also have no problem lobbing that toy, on the top of the stairs to the bottom, and experimenting with that toy.

00:48:25--> 00:48:39

And some people they do that. So Allah says we have placed between you affection and what else but my mercy, Allahu Akbar, and therefore that mercy is what controls that love and keeps it within check and within reason.

00:48:41--> 00:49:00

Brothers and sisters, by Allah, if these pillars of a marriage are there mentioned in the ayah that you just heard, which is Sakeena, tranquility Maota affection or mercy, then this is a household that can deal with all of the obstacles and the challenges of life outside.

00:49:02--> 00:49:39

And perhaps an undoubtedly, rather I should say, this is one of the secrets behind the strength of our messenger Muhammad Sallallahu. I knew he was setting them because Allah Jalla Jalla Allah who gave him a righteous wife called Khadija been to Hawaii Island, who was the means of the Sakina the tranquility and the My word, the affection and that. Therefore, regardless of what he experienced outside from enmity from the jinn or from the inside mankind origin kind he came home to a caring woman who was patting him on the back and saying to him, I believe in you, I accept your message, I will pray behind you removing the intestines of of animals that were placed on his back, using her

00:49:39--> 00:49:51

blessed hands and removing the dust from his beard and from his hair using her blessed hands. And he was able to continue that is why the day when she left, it was a year of sorrow in the life of the messenger SallAllahu it was

00:49:53--> 00:49:59

my Wonder and Rana was in this family and the gratitude that we need to have for

00:50:00--> 00:50:16

Our mother hallelujah is beyond my ability to express it to tell you the truth brothers and sisters, for creating a home whereby the Messenger of Allah was able to propagate his mission to that came to our Masjid here in Cardiff, my water and Rama was in that family.

00:50:17--> 00:50:44

Therefore not only visit to help you as an individual, find your feet in life and be happy as a married man or a woman. It helps you find your archaea, helps you convey the message of Allah, when the home has within it, tranquility and affection and mercy, and the opposite is just as true. Therefore, he sallallahu alayhi wa sallam never forgot the virtue that she has over him in this department, even when she died, because she was 15 years his senior.

00:50:45--> 00:51:14

She had the whole world under her hands and beneath her feet, she handed it over to her messenger and to her husband so that he could convey the Word of God Almighty. subhanaw taala. So when she passed away, he never forgot her. And now mother HATE YOU SHALL BE Allah and then she would say, he would after she died. She said, in my life, I never felt more jealous towards any one of the wives of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam than the jealousy I felt towards the Khadija and I never met her. I never even met her.

00:51:16--> 00:51:38

I think when I would say to him, she was an older woman. Jealousy sometimes causes a person to say irrational things. They are excused. That was just an old woman. Why are you so obsessed with her? He would say to her Muslim, he would say to her in music to her Baba, Allah Almighty blessed me with her love. What can I do about it? Allah put her love in my heart. Subhan Allah and I think my Wanda and Ramona

00:51:40--> 00:52:21

and her Isha, she said, there'll be Allah who I know that even after she died, messengers a lesson and was sometimes slaughter a goat. And he will say, distribute the meat of the goat between the Friends of Khadija he never forgot her. And one day when he had a knock at the door, and who was knocking at the door of the messenger, so I said, it was Halloween to hoilett, the sister of Khadija he heard her voice, and he said, Allahu Mahana Oh Allah it is Hola. Hola. Hola. It is harlot because her voice reminded him of the voice of Khadija. His wife before she had passed away So and Allah, he was walking in the street and a group of old women came to him and he took off his shoulder and he

00:52:21--> 00:52:54

put it on the floor and he said, Sit down. How are you doing? And he, he spoke with them. How was life afterwards? What happened? What did you do? i You said she said messenger of Allah. So I said, Who are these old women you were speaking to? He said, these used to be women who used to visit us during the days of Khadija look at those words, like those amazing days of Khadija you read between the lines, amazing Subhan Allah because she provided a home that was of Sakina and no wonder and Rama and we're going to find out just how much control a woman actually has in the house.

00:52:56--> 00:53:05

And we will find this in the few principles that we will be speaking about in a few weeks from now. She can really set the mood of the house and she can do the opposite.

00:53:06--> 00:53:17

And this will be an empowering part of the discussion but don't worry brothers it won't take away from your from your life and nature. Inshallah, don't worry. Everyone will be catered for Allah Almighty help us.

00:53:19--> 00:53:21

This is this is really a discussion

00:53:22--> 00:53:23

of wheelhouse.

00:53:25--> 00:53:31

I will ask, if not Robbia, who was the husband of Xena who is Dana,

00:53:32--> 00:53:54

the daughter of the Prophet Muhammad Salah Salem from Khadija. So this is their daughter, Xena. They married her to a man called Alas, alas, have no idea who was a Muslim, but they were stuck in Mecca, they couldn't emigrate. The pagans had left them there. They prevented them from coming to Medina. And so when the battle of battle took place, what happened?

00:53:55--> 00:54:11

What happened? What happened was that the house was forced by the pagans to go and to fight with them against the Muslims. It was out of his will. And so he was caught by the Muslims and taken to Medina. So he was now separated between him and his wife, Xena, she's still in Mecca.

00:54:12--> 00:54:20

And so the pagans they began to send messages to Medina saying we need you to free our men. And so the deal was that

00:54:21--> 00:54:39

every man who was able to teach the Muslims how to read and write, we will let Him we will let him free the importance of education, teach how to read and write and you will that will be your ransom. If you can't teach us how to read and write, then you will need to pay a ransom. So then McKinsey began to pay ransom sending it to Medina. What is he going to provide?

00:54:41--> 00:54:48

What is he going to provide what type of ransom because the Meccans are not going to help her because they know that her husband is an ally of the Prophet size.

00:54:49--> 00:54:52

So she had nothing to give but a bracelet

00:54:54--> 00:55:00

which her mother had given to her on her wedding night Khadija Robbia la vida, so she sent it to the for

00:55:00--> 00:55:01

Perfect Mohamed Salah salah.

00:55:03--> 00:55:12

And when he came imagine he receives this bag he puts his hand inside and he hears that this is the ransom for the husband of your daughter.

00:55:13--> 00:55:17

And he takes out to see what what is she going to ransom him with?

00:55:18--> 00:55:33

Like, how did we get into the scenario to begin with, and he finds the bracelet that his Khadija had given to her when she was still alive, to marry her off to allow us to beautify herself for him, and the necessary jewelry that a woman requires.

00:55:35--> 00:55:54

The narration says for a caller who attends Shetty for profits that I send them became so emotional when he saw this and he cried so much, turning it and tossing in his hand and remembering the days of Khadija. And then he said to his companions, if it is okay with you,

00:55:55--> 00:56:19

would it be alright for us to give them back this ransom and to is to free him free of charge on the condition that he sends his aid up to Medina. And they said of course, look at how he never forgot her dear brothers and sisters. One of the key reasons without a doubt is because of the Sakina. The Muhammad the affection that Rama that she played a chief role in facilitating in his house,

00:56:20--> 00:56:31

enabled him to do what he needed to do as a Prophet from Allah subhanho wa taala. There were a few other examples I wanted to share of you share with you, or pertaining to Mohammed, affection and mercy in the lives of

00:56:32--> 00:57:01

companions of the Prophet smashing them and tabulating and scholars of Hadith. And poets, to show you that this is the type of affection and love we hope to be in our homes. And we were going to conclude this part of the lecture as well with some practical examples or guidance as for how to create and to reignite that my wonder if it has taken a hit in the family but we will leave this for next week. If Allah Almighty gives us life until then, also Allah on interview number Hamad Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen