Family Life Issues and Experiences

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Abdulfattah Adeyemi

Channel: Abdulfattah Adeyemi

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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Dr Nieto and the essence, then they will be able to harm you again, because you already know, you already know, if you go to the hospital and say, Doctor,

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I'm having some cold or I'm shivering, the doctor will say, Let's carry out a test first. You know why, so that we know what name to call What is wrong with you, that is the diagnosis.

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We will know whether it is fever, or typhoid or which are the type of devices that you have. And this headache you have want to know what name to call this headache, maybe you are just stressed, you need to sleep.

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Or maybe you are or your adapters are disturbing you.

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Maybe you are just depressed because your wife refuses to apologize.

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And whatever thing it is in that way. And in that format, people need to know the name and the understanding or whatever is wrong with them, or whatever they are wrong with so to speak. Now, last time we're talking about

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husband and wife relationship. And we're talking about Okay, which aspect is actually present us wisdom, which aspect of relationships a person does keep quiet, some users look the other way and some who have to talk about it, no matter what. And some you behave as if you're a fool.

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And so, you just a bit indifferent and some you get very aggressive on issue anger issue, especially if you must instill a certain level of discipline in the family, so that your family members can respect you. And they can understand when you have been assertive, they can know that okay, this is what Daddy has said. The children will know that that he means it whenever it sees this assertiveness and putting everybody in order. Sometimes a man has to do what the man has to do, because we promise a coup d'etat in Baku masala Yachty we are all shepherds I shall be questioned about your flocks.

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I have come to look at it this way.

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When the professor said, We are all shepherds,

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those people that are under you, who are your flocks?

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What does that mean? What do you understand by the beam flocks, you're the shepherd they are your flocks.

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Is is so metaphorical is like saying that they are like animals kept under you. You know, if you take it literally, they're like animals kept under you. And when you have animals kept under you, animals have different characteristics. And they have different behaviors for those who have bred animals before. So we do have

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you know, animal husbandry so to speak.

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You get to see that they have different characters, they have different attitudes, they have different things they do that some of them want to just say I don't know what you mean. And there are some you have to use stick

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to be able to direct them. Some if you have not used this stick, they will not move

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amongst the animals, the cattle era understand some of them with certain traits and characteristics.

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That's why perhaps Robin said you are all shepherds are now going to be asked about your flocks. How did you direct them? How do you guide them? And how do you show them the ways on the things that you do?

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Another thing about being a shepherd is what kind of animals are you really

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you can use one stick to read 100 cows from here to wherever.

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But can you play that

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card?

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Can you read 10 cards

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From here to the top of the most day, 1010 cups.

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Even if you put rope on their neck, they don't seem to cooperate.

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The reason is that each of them are designed to have their own personal agenda.

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You can watch a stick and expect cuts to go in the same direction, they will go in different directions, because they have not been designed to follow lead by using.

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And for cows, you can hold your stick, you can make signs, you can make signals do understand what our forecast is how hard it will be. Maybe use a piece of meat and tie it up. And we'll be moving so that you'll be running after that is done or following you actually, they actually interested in the meat

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just about understand the language of speaking. The cats I know interested in for you. They're only interested in the meat that you want to them or that you promise to give to them.

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In other words, what are the animals on the you? Every man must understand? Who are these people that Allah has put in charge of me or put me in charge of?

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Well,

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because you know, men are the average alpha woman and men are the ones charged with responsibility of directing the affairs of women in a family setting where the husband is the husband and the wife is the wife.

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Do you want me to define it again? The hope you understand where the husband is the husband, and the wife is the wife, where there's no argument with regard to the rules of your husband, or the rules of the wife. Another analogy they'll make you to grasp this very well is when the Quran says

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Nyssa would love

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to have Sakuma annachi to

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your wife, Allah farmlands for you go to your farmlands whenever you wish.

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It's very clear that is simple, but it is a bit complex. How? How can it be simple and complex at the same time? It can be later because when do you promise it farmland for you? You have to understand what kind of farmland are you

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looking at?

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is a core farm that you have or poultry farm?

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is a poultry farm or fish farm?

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Is it fish farm or snail farm?

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It is snail farm or what kind of farm exactly do you have? Your farm may not be the same as my own farm. If I am giving feed to bound Pucci Pam, if you own his fish farm, you can give them to them.

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The things I use in feeding the snails in my snake farm, you cannot feed young fish the same way something will happen and that the kind of things that birds feed on, you can give it to the cows if that's what you have as your farm. So you have to understand what kind of farm is it that is yours. In fact, even if you own his fish farm,

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you have to understand what kind of fish you have. Is it catfish? Is it silica fish, or are the sharks that you have.

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And if you are going to be having sharks, you don't keep them the same tank that you are going to keep smaller fish, so to speak. If not, fish will eat fish and your home will be upside down.

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You go to work one day and come back and see that fishes are meeting.

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If you have good fish, you can go fish in a very small, you know, small aquarium later

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sharks that you have, you can put sharks in that same small tank and you can put good fish and sharks together as quickly as possible. So that we can understand very well. As well as those who have many waves.

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You want to keep shark and good fish together. Fish we eat fish now.

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You complain to anybody because your folks you have kept lions together with God's

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Anima with Anima

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Allah have mercy on us. Now, let's now break it down to what we mean by different nature of people, different types of people. The Prophet sallallahu wasallam said in Allah Kasama Kasama Akala ko combinar Khun Karim.

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Allah has allocated your luck your behaviors and your characters, possibly your personalities amongst the amongst yourself amongst you

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The way he has allocated wealth amongst people, some people are very responsible, not very rich, and the same luck with behaviors with character. Some people have been very high and some we don't have them that much.

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Now, this is what now brings us to what a person with an

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element of fear, or as knowledge of the soul, or matters of psychology or some of the things that define part of our behavior. What are some of these things that define our personality the way we are? And that's why I said, is it fish is a catfish, tilapia fish? Is it good fish? Or is it shark fish? Or when we say farmland, what kind of farm? Is it poultry farm? Is it Animal Farm? Is it a fish farm is this snail farm, whichever farm it is, this refers to the personalities that we are, and the kind of people that we are husband or wife coming back home. Now, we have to understand one another.

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A man has to understand the personality of his wife. And the wife has to understand the personality of the husband.

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There are many such truths that people have mentioned people have with knowledge, scholars have described these personalities in so many ways. And they say this is the same way we have been all of our life, sometimes we start from,

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from adolescence, it becomes obvious for some people, some people much, much earlier than that, that you get to see the kind of personalities that you have. If you have many children, and you observe them that this one's behavior is not exactly the same as that one's behavior. The same amongst children that if you just look at them very well, like if they understand what we're saying. And there's some other ones that require certain discipline, before they can really understand what we're talking about. There are some among the children, you can sit them down and discuss them as if they are adults, and they will understand.

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And so among the children d c, and they do certain things that you wonder, How did you know? Or who taught you that? Well? Imagine a very small child comes and asked you,

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Daddy, how are you feeling? You were in yesterday? I hope you are okay, now. You be so impressed. You feel so happy that China is issuing so much concern about me. Then some other ones have similar ages.

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They don't even any difference between whether that is SQL that is well, all they know is they want to play and you have to let them play Allah Hochberg. So generally, all of these attitudes and personalities, they are, they affect the way we think about ourselves.

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If somebody asked you, would you think you are?

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What do you think of yourself? What is your idea about yourself what you're saying to be apart from your name. It also affects the way we respond emotionally to things. Some people are very caring, very loving. And some people they don't have these emotions. Some people are very cruel. They're very wicked, even in the way they talk, you know that this one has no kindness in them. You know that this one doesn't have any emotion. He doesn't show any emotion. You don't know whether he is impressed or whether is depressed. Some people's faces, for example, in as one of the ways of showing emotion. Some people's faces are frozen.

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You know, like cats, for those of us who have cats around, you see that the face of the cat is frozen. A cat cannot smile, and the cat cannot frown.

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Because it's frozen. It's just flavor. You can see from the face of the cat, whether it is happy or sad.

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Some human beings are like that. You can't even they don't show any emotion. They don't show any feeling. Or you cannot look at their faces or know when they are happy. In fact, some they don't even know how to smile.

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You say? If somebody says although some that's funny, don't laugh. They don't have to laugh.

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And some people have where they have to laugh. You know that is not laughter when somebody goes

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is that laughter

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too personal to learn how to let there be some Teferi someday, or

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too much, or special talent class to teach people how to smile. Some people don't even know how to laugh. Oh, yes. Imagine a woman who doesn't know how to love to smile.

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Even in life, you don't have to spike to laugh. You just

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have to keep away from you will go to a happy you can laugh or cry.

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No less fun emotionally to think.

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Then relating to other people, our personality also determine how we need

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to determine ways of controlling our

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if somebody says this you are doing is not appropriate, your ability to, you know to understand and see how you can make changes in the way you behave towards others is a gift on its own.

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So, Allahu Akbar. In fact, there's one scene that Bashar shakuhachi appear to Sania, what bush role is

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for somebody whose face to be affable, for somebody's face to be a face that can smile, appear to Fannia is the second gift Allah will give you giving you a man.

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A man is the peak of all give the second one is for you to have a face that can be optimal. I mean,

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we're Bushra, Lisa, in the kind of face that gives good news to those who want to ask questions, somebody was approachable.

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Lesson people don't just do

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Don't

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assume somebody force them to eat cockroach.

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Some men in the house, they don't enjoy a smile from their spouses from their wife. And she doesn't know how to love God.

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And so many are similar to that. Now, let's look at it one by one now and see which one is yours. And which one describes your behavior. And I mentioned if you service what the experts have said about some of these things, we have those who have this disorder, that is this order and this order, or that is welcome is appropriate, when something is the way it's supposed to be. And when something is, you know, commensurate to what's expected of that person in that situation, in that circumstance in that culture. And in that context, when the behavior is not in consonance. With what is expected of a person at that particular point in time, you see that person has a disorder.

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The person's behavior or attitude or response is not in order. Now, one of them is what we say the person's histrionic or histrionic personality. This is somebody who

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will feel uncomfortable if they don't have the attention of other people. You know, when we say history, or not literally, somebody who likes to call attention to themselves, somebody who like to be seen someone who doesn't feel comfortable when they are not the center of attention, and when they are not the center of attraction for others. In fact, people have very shallow emotions, and they express themselves in the in an exaggerated manner. You students miniclip who are people of drama, they like creating scenes and illustrating dramas where there's no drama.

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In fact, this dramatic approach to things mix them to over exaggerate some things.

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And let me give you an example. Imagine if there is no problem in the home both because there's no fight there's no quarrel, a homeowner a wife start feel uncomfortable and feels ignored. Because there is no quarrel.

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Some of them if there is no nothing that will cause trauma in the house, do create a drama decrease is seen. Okay, for example, now, a woman says the husband has not been talking to her much or staying at home with her this can have very dire consequences for some people.

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When a woman is left at home and often comes home,

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and she just put her hand like that.

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And all by enters

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Salam alikoum she didn't respond at all been concerned. Salam Alaikum was the problem. No problem.

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Everything okay, Alhamdulillah

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Are you alright? I'm okay. I'm okay.

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Then all of

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a sudden she just be like

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what happened? Nothing happened.

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Why? What did I do?

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Why are you?

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Why are you shouting? I'm not shouting.

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You see, she's trying to create a drama.

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over what she may not be able to explain exactly what happened what that drama is. Notice

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I'm here.

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Some people get to the excellent they will fall sick legs on men. He has offended his wife instead of apologizing, do not apologize, do not pretend to be sick.

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Then we'll meet you for coffee. I'm going to die if you don't come and take me to the hospital, so as to call attention of the wife to him, and for him to tactfully ignore all of the bad things he has done.

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Instead of apologizing, he will create a drama.

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Does this example somebody you know?

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He will create drama we call it histrionic personality do that every time. They look for trouble they create problems they create since the poofy does not they're so human would deliberately bond soup on fire just to create attention that look you have not been noticing me I'm here and I'm hot.

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From personal confession of some women. A woman who said she normally falls sick whenever she wants to collect money from the old man and he refuses

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so she will fall sick. She will be admitted in the hospital. She can spend like three days in your studio or just to make sure you spend that money that money man is very stingy if he holds money like this you can jam clay I can only move money from you know like somebody's home or you can even open it up to remove money from there that goes about the house like a boxer is very stingy. So in for her to collect money from him she will now use histrionic tactics to create a drama critic scene

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and pretend some things that are not there. Many couples use these as tactics against one another is not nice now.

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We can hear a woman Forgive me for saying that what about a man that's creating sin? If there's no quarrel it will feel so uncomfortable then you will just come home one day and say and say

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I'm not eating

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yes your food I'm not hungry.

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But what's the problem? Not no problem? No problem. I'm just not only.

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So what is the problem? I say no problem. No problem. Definitely we lay that let everybody we do anything they like just leaving

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me in my house. I cannot give order and we will follow it again swannanoa aku Bella,

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then the wife will not be racking her brain. What did I do? Is this something I said this often I did you create some kind of what we call gaslighting effect, you will create some of those things. Now lo and behold if he is now to explain what exactly happened, you know what happened.

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He has the work to prepare to Masatoshi Petrosian cafe, that's what is creating problem for

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these are people who create troubles when troubles are no really they.

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And some people this is exactly how they are. Now, if you have your head on the web that is chronic in nature, understand very well that you always have drama in the house. There will always be drama, a child is having mild temperature shoe, call the husband at work and insists that you should come to the house and change

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the muffler but I'm very busy. Okay, meet us in the hospital. I have to rush the child to the General Hospital. from General Hospital, I have to wash the chair to the private hospital. In fact, we need to fly this child out of this country what happened? The child has been having serious temperature and the child may die. There is a man that's working with tach cattle in his office, will his mind ever be addressed?

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If this man now makes the mistake and say okay, I will call you doctor to come and check. You see, you don't have time for your family. You don't have time for your child. I said your child is going to die I feel at work.

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Honestly, it's all drama. By time they come by they just see that each child is even playing already.

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If you have a wife that is a drama queen ladies, I think you have to understand how to handle drama queen. If we have time, maybe we'll talk about that. But let me quickly measure some other one. This second one I want to mention is a very serious one, and is a very bad one so to speak. We call them people narcissistic personality disorder,

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who are narcissists. narcissists are people that put their needs above the above the needs of others. They make themselves to be more important than other people.

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And it's only about them and nothing about you.

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In fact, we have them quite a number of them. Some experts have classified them into so many types of narcissists. narcissism simply means so much

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Love himself and doesn't care whatever happened to others

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we have about three or four types of them broadly we have the grandiose narcissist this one that has sense of larger than life size his own only his own idea is better than that of other people is very stubborn is very arrogant is very pompous and she can also be very pompous is a woman that's a narcissist as for the men, they have done a great job at a better than you your father cannot tell me anything that goes on beyond feeding your family you see moving around ladies as he has boiled on his amp it is how the Narcissus move around you see him being Mr boss up and down.

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If it were a woman that is like that she would look at you from not see I just picked you why marry you?

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Because there is no woman are married as were married.

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What did you have? Nothing.

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You from where we might want Did you ever do for me?

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Because you allowed her to pay school fees one shoot, am I not gonna pay school fees?

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If no for my father, will you ever smell have any car ever in your life?

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And if the obon say

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she's a look, look at you look at look at you. You You also.

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You also talk if you dare raise your voice on me again.

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You will regret

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coming to Abuja.

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I also deal with you this grandiosity in attitude in speeches in everything they do. They want to exert themselves over and above other people. This is a very dangerous spouse to have.

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Because apart from that we have another type of narcissists that will call the malignant narcissist. malignant is someone who is mean and wicked,

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or wealthy. These are the ones that do work back to the beach. They live anyhow and the Terra to a cover of their house.

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malignant are not only arrogant, they also mean

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they are very well. And they are very vindictive. This is another attitude of some type of narcissism, vindictive narcissist. If you offend them in 10 years, they'll think give you

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a revenge. And that's not all. If you offend them once in three years, I loosely be referring to it. Is that what you did for me sosaku type events is what you did three years ago, 15th of August 20, something or natural something?

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You continue to do that these ones are malignant, they are very cruel and wicked. I pray for all of those who have wicked spouses, may Allah rescue May Allah save you from them.

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They are the ones that will that will be wicked towards you and they will stand by

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and nobody talks to them that nobody can advise them. And they don't see anything wrong in their cruelty. They have some things have sadistic tendencies with them.

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We also have the covert narcissist who that means

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what they call the green snake under the grass.

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covert narcissists are the people who are wicked towards you they are mean to what you bought outside as we never know. Like the example is like this blender people use Blender for blending tomato and everything will put tomato in the blender or you switch it on

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Don't you hear some noise

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lady that

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was making the noise

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is the blender the tomato

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what

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what what is making the noise

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the blender is a blender as Nicky invoice who should be making noise

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is not a tomato has been blended. I should be shouting no tomato no make noise is the blender that making the noise. That's the analysis for you covert Narcissus, they it was killing you and it was reporting

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this man who stopped you if it's a woman does this kind of nasty. She will stop you

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when you are very hungry that's going to tell you guys as finished.

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Usually on Sunday morning.

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You don't know these people know

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when a man does come back from office is very tired.

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Where's my food?

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We just put in some fire

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Oh some people are really suffering honestly in the hands of Narcissus so we just put bills on fire. Look at you that the hungry your body shaking it brings on fire

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no four directs deliberate wickedness

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then they know how to do this thing after she has done all of that but if you now talk she knows whatever you have said in the hand.

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In fact I will start crying.

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As you call your own shoe call your cousin's shoe call your brother's shoe call your sister to call your aunt to report to them how you have been making up for

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that can you imagine from wanting it is how working only for my husband to come and start abusing me.

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You caught me basta, there's no negative. What did you do? What did I do? I didn't do anything. I just said let me prepare your food for him and give him the food to eat. That is when he started recording. He should not tell anybody what she has actually done or said.

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And no matter how much you think you can explain you can never

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out explain them because they have the points and they have the Arsenal's

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now this is what happens to covert narcissist. If you're married somebody like that you have to understand very well that this person is killing you slowly. The day you say you want to do soon as

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if she's young that day. she's a she's also like

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maybe you are coming back from work, you'll be like yes, Alhamdulillah we should not today. The man is so relaxing. It's very good food. He does everything like that. He will even go to the bathroom to shower. He will get ready and only What? What?

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What?

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What do you want to do?

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Sorry, I'm also like, Nah, I'm not bringing into certain places when I entered. He was I was

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worried.

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You know, he was bothered with this. She doesn't feel bad doing these things. This is my problem. And I hope we still have some time.

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It's time to kill me. Let me wrap it up with this one. Okay, people to remind me next time that we will talk on narcissists.

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Another type of narcissist, this one that we call them the communal narcissist comunale. That is these are the people who say we are here to save the world. We are here to rescue everybody. I've married you so that I can take care of you and your family. Have my DD because I'm the one that is sacrificing here. I'm the one that's in charge. If not for me, nothing will go well. They are the ones who want everyone to understand that they are the ones that is you know that was that. You know happen everybody need, including you the husband. And she will say for example a woman with this kind of necessity will say Alhamdulillah I remember when I married my husband, he had nothing.

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I was feeding him. It is my father. I was cleaning the house length and my mother was buying clothes for him and my uncle Lupo him and my brothers were the one looking after him. He had nothing at all nothing Alhamdulillah I look at him today. I've been able to build him. Miramar out of him. Someone who is boastful era where would you have been keeping fish?

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She will Alhamdulillah you see we've built this thing together.

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Now that I've sacrificed all my life for you, my husband

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you know say you want to marry another wife. I used to be like

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a boy is it a bad thing for a man to be capable before he might know why you are going to betray me.

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And you are you don't know those kind of things to blackmail him put a force on him. I'm not saying it's not the same way the other way around for a man that will tell you why do you and your family would you think you

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might not want your father and your mother on how am I not the one that sponsoring six of your brothers and sisters to school. Even though for me Where will you be when you see somebody talk like that? It is Brad, Brandon, boastfulness. They are all attitudes and attributes of narcissists. Many people have this fitna in their homes, men that will cheat on their wives and your system by

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men that will be cheating them

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While I'm being cruel towards them, and they can be corrected, you say baud modem, why don't you report him? She said nobody can talk to him.

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And so mainly that nobody can talk to them. Nobody can advise them. They believe that they know better than everyone a person. They believe that better educated, they build a better place. They believe that behind everything.

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And they said they are the breadwinners of the family, the whole family, if not the whole world.

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If somebody is there saying that he's the breadwinner, what of somebody who owns a bakery?

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Because we're a breadwinner, nobody here once again, what have the owner of the bakery what would that person do? kindly might indicate when may Allah have mercy on us. So you can see we have just mentioned the to

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the about 10 or 11 of them, but may Allah live till another time so that we exposure on the ones who have mentioned and we explain more of you get to understand why people behave the behave and how people get to where they have gotten to each of these ones. There are some solutions for them that we're going to look at soon. Especially someone who is boastful you refer to look man, you know the truck look man is addressing these narcissists.

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Start to look man is telling them what not to do, what not to do, what not to do.

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Don't walk on earth with arrogance. Don't raise your voice, let it breathe, have an ask in Kerala, Tamil. The was

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the was sound is the brain of an app of a donkey.

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restaurant to look man You see, Allah subhanaw taala is using the x, the exaltation of Luqman of your songs, to teach Narcissus to desist from all of this attitude of this narcissism is sometimes akin to histrionic personality also, because they share some things in common. People who are drama, Queens or drama kings are attention seekers, people who like to create scene where there is no scene that will create problems where there are no problems. They like to exaggerate things beyond the proportions. And let them look at all of these things. In the Quran. You get to see one person or the other that resembles you in the Quran, and they begin to learn on how to curb your excesses. If

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you understand your family, you understand your wife,

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it is possible that you will be able to know how to live with them, and to know why they behave the way they behave. Even when NASA says they work in some kind of places. If I can mention one or two of them. You see them as very big bosses that are very domineering and controlling, and you cannot criticize them. If you criticize them do take it as personal affront. They don't do well.

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If you want to stay with them as your friend or as your boss or as a subordinate, even better, don't criticize them. If not, they will blow it beyond proportion. They see it as a personal affront on their personality.

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You see them as bosses, some of them are top officials in some, in some odd way capitalistic a materialistic environment, I do have to mention the names of those particular jobs. Though you find them in some places where the the the by nature of that job, they are to be dominating and domineering and sometimes oppressive of others. If there's any way they are not able to oppress the will not stay there. Unlike the narcissist husband, he will not marry a woman like him to many women as opposed the one that he can oppress.

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For the woman to show fall in love with the man that she can oppress.

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When they see someone that will give them Fire For Fire they don't force people. narcissist especially do not marry a lady that will tell him what do you think what do you mean by that?

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But you married lady that you

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know, don't talk normally sleep that the word when they come back orders later. And this one was no say a word.

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If she should respond back, that's the end of that marriage. Because he was so turn it around a rupee again stir it around to welcome women and Narcissus later, no man enjoys such women because they're so full of themselves. The way she will talk the way she carries herself. People will be wondering which of them is actually the husband which of them is the wife because they will never accept or less if is working they want to do all of these things are not acceptable at first glance concern when it comes to how marriages walk, that looks of humility.

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And there are lots of respect of law and order. Do we acknowledge Rahul as put it in place? People should not be too

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to smash to have a happy married life, and people should check themselves if you if your wife or your husband cannot tell you look for somebody that can analyze you for the seven Taylor look.

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I've been doing this since too much.

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And if you think nobody can talk to you that you some people can talk to you and tell you that you are wrong. And this is why many of these people they don't go to lectures and they don't go to places where they can be advised. When you see that you are very, you feel so sad when people criticize you.

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And when you say that you cannot say sorry.

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Even when you have obviously done something that is wrong, that means you have this problem may Allah sibos and Bella Bella forgive us wherever we are wrong. mela continue to gather data right. So that we do what is right May Allah changes or fix us wherever we are broken or bad mela correct of association of modern Islamic schools invites school

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to understand others around us so that we can live with them in accordance to the Kitab asuna May Allah forgive me a mailer forgive you to inshallah, we shall continue with supposedly first and last Thursday's of the Gregorian calendar. May Allah make it easy for us akula holy ha that was

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it was salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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shukran.

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