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Serenity – Is There A Marriage Crisis Part 1

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Yasmin Mogahed

Channel: Yasmin Mogahed

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Santa Monica, this is Yasmin Mujahid and you're listening to serenity, streaming live on one legacy radio. Today, we want to talk about a question which a lot of people have on their mind, and a lot of people have, you know, shared this concern. And, and I really, really want to hear from you today, I want to hear your answer to this question. Is there a marriage crisis in our community? And and first of all, we want to answer this question. Is there a marriage crisis? And why why is there a marriage crisis? What type of crisis do we have? And then finally, what are what are your ideas about what needs to be done? And how can this be solved? inshallah Allah? So first, the the the

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question of, is there a marriage crisis? And what exactly does that mean? And I think there's a lot of layers to this question. And the, you know, the challenge that that we have, with regards to getting married, first of all, and then staying married, and then what happens, you know, when, when things don't work out, I think there's a lot of people that I have interacted with, who share this concern about the difficulty of really finding a suitable partner, there is a lot of, you know, there's a lot of expectations for, you know, for women and for men, a lot of the things that people share with me, concerns, you know, for women, that there's, there's a high emphasis, you know, on

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looks, and, and especially women who get a little bit older, it becomes really difficult for them to get married, because a lot of the the brothers want younger women, you know, if a woman is not considered conventionally pretty or thin, it becomes also very difficult for her, you know, to find a spouse, because, again, you know, there's this, this idea of this, this very, very strong emphasis on appearances. And then there's the concern about, you know, where do you find, I mean, they're just even having access to those people who could be potential spouses, you know, what is the, the methodology, even when you do find someone? What is the methodology, the correct methodology? to go

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about it? You know, there's the, the question of, you know, we one thing that has come to my attention, you know, which is actually very different than it was when I was growing up is there is this very wide almost practice, and almost an acceptance of the institution of dating, which wasn't the case, really, when I was growing up, it was, you know, we had a very more of a orthodox and strict kind of understanding of, or even practice of gender relations, it was, you know, was a big deal, if you talk to a guy on the phone, you know, that kind of thing. You know, but, but things have changed. And I and I think that the culture of youth now is very different, even in our MSA, is

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a lot of MSA is, you know, the, the gender relations culture has has drastically changed than it was, you know, compared to how it was my university, you know, when when I was in college, and, you know, part of that is that is that we've, we've sort of become, I think, in a sense too comfortable with the opposite gender, there's a lot of, you know, this idea of, you know, we're just friends, and, you know, we hang out, but it's nothing more, and I think that, that this, this can be, this can lead to something very dangerous, and, you know, this, this, this, this over comfort, you know, with, with regards to gender relations, and then you have the issue of dating and, you know, people

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then say, Well, how do I find my, you know, how do I find a spouse? Or how do I even get to know someone unless we date and there's this, almost this idea that you that you need to date in order to in order to get to know someone? So these are all questions, you know, how do we answer these questions? How do we get to know someone in an Islamic context? How do we get to know someone in a way that is, you know, that that that is that is pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala and according you know, that that is not outside of, of the rules which Allah azzawajal has has given us. This is a question which a lot of people struggle with and how does that happen? You know, one of the

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arguments that many people make, you know, about how do you know you you need to date right in order to get to know someone, and it's, it's interesting to note that, you know, when you look at the statistics, just just look at the numbers. Obviously, we live, you know, in the Western world, the institution of data

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It's completely normalized. And that's kind of how you get to know someone for marriage. And yet, you know, as as many people know, that the, the statistics for for divorce are one, you know, one and 250 percent of marriages end in divorce. So it's it's it's obviously not necessarily, you know, it's not that's not working either, right. So it's, it's not that, you know people again try to make that argument that you need to get to know someone by dating. Well, it's it isn't even work even that's not working. So that's a very, you know, when you look at the actual numbers, it's a very weak argument. But but but more importantly, that Allah subhanaw taala would not make something

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forbidden. That was good. Anything that Allah makes forbidden is by definition, bad for us is by definition harmful to us on an individual level, as well as a collective level, we we end up getting hurt by it, both personally, as well as collectively, the society also gets hurt by it, the society also suffers. And there are, you know, there's many, many reasons why that's the case. But what's important is that we provide an alternative, that there is an alternative way to get to know someone, that there is an alternative way to, you know, to, to sort of try to solve this marriage crisis. But But what I really want to do is I want to open it up and hear from you, I want

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inshallah, to hear from you. You can call in, you can write on the chat box, the number to call in is 714-988-8182. I'm going to go to a short break now and inshallah, when we return, we will open the lines, and also open up the chat box discussion.

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Santa Monica, this is Yasmin Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. We are talking today about the question of Is there a marriage crisis? And I think that this is a you know, a lot of people have a lot to say about this question. There's a lot of angles to you know, to talk about it. The angle of how do you find a, you know, the premarital angle? How do you find a suitable spouse? Once you you know, you are married? How do you stay married and you know, make it a healthy relationship. And then what happens when it when it doesn't work out and the struggles that some of our brothers and sisters face when they have been divorced, either with or

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without children? And, you know, the struggle of getting remarried? And, and or, you know, being single parents? So there's a lot, you know, there's a lot to this question. And mostly, we want to hear from you. We want to hear, what are what are your thoughts? What are your opinions? What are your experiences with this question? Is there a marriage crisis in our community? You know, getting getting to the question of finding a suitable spouse. And I think it's, it's important to clarify why it is that dating is forbidden in Islam, the the institution of dating, is, there's a number of reasons why that institution would would be how long it would be forbidden. One of them is that even

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when you look at the whole concept of dating, the the intention behind dating in as it is, you know, practice today has nothing to do with marriage. In fact, you know, there are people who date for years, and they have no intention of getting married. Similarly, people start dating, you know, when they're in middle school, obviously, they're not looking for a spouse. It's, it's, it's, the whole institution of dating is just about basically having a good time, you know, you're spending some time with this person, you know, off, generally, you're intimate with the person. And that's it. There's no, there's no, it's not that you're getting to know someone from marriage, it's a

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completely different intention. We know as believers we know as Muslims, that that's something that Allah Subhana Allah has forbidden, that that relationship is, you know, outside of marriage between a man and a woman is forbidden. And it's something that Allah subhanaw taala it's considered a major sin. And so that relationship needs to be only within the confines of marriage. The second question becomes, well, how do you then find, you know, how then can you find someone without, you know, outside of this instant without, you know, taking part in dating? But before we get to that question, there's, there's another reason why this, you know, the whole the whole, you know, one

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person someone could argue then Okay, well, other people they don't date, you know, to to with the intention of finding a spouse, but as a Muslim, you know, I that will be my intention. So I am going to date. Well, the problem with that, is that, you know, just something as simple as you know, the prophets, I send them totally

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us that anytime a man and a woman are alone together in a secluded place, the third is this is the shaitan. This just that the the act of being alone with, with someone who you're not, you know, not related to have the opposite gender, just that that itself is forbidden. It's it's Kailua. And this is something that the prophets I send them has told us that in and of itself is forbidden. There is a reason why Allah subhanaw taala puts these rules for us. When you think about, you know, a child, for example, and you want to protect that child, no one is going to tell that child to go play near the fire, but then say you know, but don't get burned. You don't tell your child go, go play near

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the swimming pool, but just don't drown. Allah subhanaw taala You know, he protects his servants, he protects us, He protects his creation, by putting barriers by putting, you know, layers, that that actually protect us from ending up in that fire ending up in that, you know, drowning. And as similarly, we see that when you want to protect your child and Allah subhanaw taala is high above any analogy, but when we think about the human relationship, and you think about what you do when you want to protect your child, is that you know, if you have stairs, for example, in your house, or or there's dangerous things in the in the kitchen, what you do is you put a gate, you put a gate at

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the top of the stairs or you know, to keep the child away from the stairs, you put a gate at the at the door of the kitchen, you don't tell the child you know, just go play on the stairs, but you know, just don't break your neck. Right? Or, you know, go ahead and go in the kitchen, but just don't you know, don't hurt yourself. But no, we don't do that that would be irresponsible. We instead we put a barrier and we don't even allow the child to go near that which could harm them. And Allah subhanaw taala. Again, high above any analogy of his creation, Allah puts barriers huddled, Allah has these barriers. And when we when we break down these barriers, you know, one of

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the barriers from the very beginning when it comes to gender relations, the what's the first barrier? Well, there's some you know, very, at the very beginning, you have the barrier of modesty, that there is modesty in not only in dress, but also in behavior. And there's modesty in the way in which there's modesty in gender relations. So from the very beginning you have this first barrier which is protecting the the ABS and protecting us from eventually falling into a major sin. So when we think about the major sin what is the major sin it's zinna it's it's it's extra marital intimacy, right any kind of intimacy outside of marriage. So for loss of Hannah that is a lot tells us in the

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end, for example, not just do not commit Zina, but Allah says less horrible Zina do not even come close to that do not come close to it. How do we come close to it? Well, the ways we come close to it has to do with our interaction from the beginning the gender interaction, how are we with the opposite gender? Is there the barrier of modesty or is that completely removed, and if it's, if it's completely removed in our in our dress, in our behavior, then then what we've done is we've knocked down one of those protections, which was put up by our Creator Himself. And so we have modesty in the way we act modesty in the way we dress. And then we also have lowering the gaze. There's a

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reason why Allah subhanaw taala has said to the believing men and women to lower their gaze and guard their chastity, there is a connection between lowering your gaze and guarding your chastity when you are lowering your gaze when you're not basically checking someone out, okay? Because the idea here is you know, sometimes people I think they try to maybe make light of this of this concept by being like, Well, I'm not going to walk around looking at the sidewalk right? You know, we we I think it's understood what is meant by this there everyone you know, who knows what what it's like to really you know, to look at in the opposite gender know that there's a difference between looking

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at someone you know, you know, that you're speaking to in a respectful way and you know, not and staring right and checking someone out. There's a big difference and especially, you know, in situations where there is fitna potential fitna there that protecting your eyes and not looking at, at what you shouldn't be looking at, is actually protecting your heart. And eventually that's also a barrier, which protects your modesty protects your chastity and and it's another barrier that keeps a person from getting close to Xena as a last part of that it tells us so there you know and even when it when it comes to the whole idea of interactions between men and women and you know, that

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line of that barrier

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of modesty, you know, we can't expect that we're going to be exactly you know, we're going to be the same with the opposite gender, you know, as friends in quotation marks, as we will be with with the same gender. And you know that Allah subhanaw taala did not create us in that way where, where the man and a woman are just, you know, just have purely platonic relationships, Allah subhanaw taala, created within the man and in the woman and attraction to one another, that's part of our human nature. So to try to act in a way that goes against that human nature is I mean, again, you're hurting yourself, Allah is the one who created us, and Allah knows how best to take care of his own

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creation. And this is the, you know, Allah gives us as well, the manual, of how best to take care of his creation, whenever we, we know we get it, we get a brand new car, we want to take care of that car, well, if you buy a Mercedes, you're going to be very careful to look at the Mercedes manual to take care of your car. And yet, you know, and yet, and so, rather than, you know, you bought that Mercedes, you're probably not going to be looking at the Toyota manual, of how to take care of your Mercedes, because you know, when it comes to cars, that the one who manufactured the car knows how best to care for the car. And yet, somehow, with human beings, a little more complicated than a car,

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we don't, we don't have that same standard, we don't realize that that is the same thing, the one who manufactured me, knows best how to take care of me, and the one who made you knows best how to take care of you. So trust him, if he says that this is this is for your own good, you know, when you have this type of barrier between a man and a woman outside of marriage, it is for your own good. And we could we could sit and talk for days about why that is. And we can look at statistics in society. And, you know, you know what happens when that doesn't, when when we don't follow those rules. And you know, I don't even need to get into all of the, you know, the sexually transmitted

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diseases and the unwed mothers and you know, all the different situations that that we see in front of us, and yet we kind of close our eyes to. So we have actually a caller. So we can go ahead, and I'm juanico

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by the commercial and sister, can you hear me? Yes, yes, I can hear you clearly.

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I just have a question for you.

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Do you see a correlation between how we, how we raise our boys and the high divorce rate among the Muslims in our Ummah,

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from my observation growing up?

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boys get away with mischief more than girls do? And do you think there's a correlation between that and the higher divorce rate?

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Well, you know, I think that's an excellent question, which actually deserves its own series, in fact, but but just to kind of quickly, what I think personally is that yes, there is a there is a serious,

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I think, a crisis in the way that we are raising our children. And yes, in the way we are raising our boys, one of the problems that I've observed, as you know, I've kind of watched that, you know, as my generation grew up, and then the generation after me, or before me, and just kind of looking at that is I've noticed that there's, there's this sort of lag in terms of the emotional and mental maturity of our boys, unfortunately, the youth and I and I, I'm not exactly sure, what is it that's contributing to that, but something is happening where the, you know, the, the maturity level, or when, when the the, the boy is, is that the, you know, mental and emotional maturity, where it's,

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you know, kind of aware, you know, like, where he's at when he's 20 now, is very different than, than a boy who was 20, you know, a boy at 20, you know, 1015 years ago, there's, there's a, there's a drastic difference. And I think part of it, I think there are a lot of things contributing to this part of it. I do believe that As parents, we need to teach our children, both boys and girls responsibility. And I think that, you know, sort of something that you seem to be alluding to as well, is that maybe we're only teaching our daughters about responsibility or maybe that that that's not necessarily being being put on the boys as much. You know, that kind of everything maybe is

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being done for them. They don't you know, they don't need to clean up after themselves or you know, do their own laundry or even just clean their room. It's kind of it's kind of they expect that their their mother is going to do it for them or their or their father, you know, that this is something that they're not actually responsible to do the idea of, you know, getting a job or make, you know, it's kind of their job is, you know, to go to school, and then

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Other than that, no responsibility, the you know, after, after you no one eats you don't clean up after yourself. There's no, you know, there's no partnership and in terms of the household sometimes. And I think the other problem is all of the technology

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is, is having an effect on our maturity, I think that what when you are always

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sort of being entertained by some device that's in your hand, you're always distracted, you're always, you know, there's no moment anymore where you can see someone just sitting and just reflecting or thinking or, you know, like, let me let me just sit in and think even, you know, not, let's not even talk about remembering Allah or the kid. But just just to think, there, there really is no time, because as soon as I'm not entertained with one thing, I got to move to the next device, I always have to be you know, somehow connected to you know, Facebook or Twitter or my phone or texting or watching a video on YouTube or listening to something on my you know, iTunes, it's always

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has to be something entertaining me stimulating me. I don't really have that time to just sit and think about, you know, the the grander questions of life, like, what am I doing with my life? Why am I here? I mean, did I did I get put on this earth just to have fun did I did I get put on this earth just to hang out with my friends, and nothing else, you know, and then and this, this seriousness, towards life is sort of neglected, it's gone. That, that everything is a joke, that's another thing is, um, and I worked a lot with youth and, and just seeing how, you know, life is not really taken seriously enough, you know, you kind of joke around about everything, everything's kind of fair game

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to make fun of. And that's, that's not going to give you the the maturity that you need to succeed as a husband or as a wife, or in this life or the next. So I think it is a very good question. And, you know, one thing I would say advice to mothers and fathers, when you raise your boys and your girls, please teach them to follow the Sunnah of the prophets, I send them teach them to help out in the house, teach them to have responsibility, in in their own household, if the prophets I send them who had way more to do than any of us combined, if he was someone who helped out in his house, you know, I shuttle the line has she reports that he would help in the house and, and if he was able to

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do that, and had time to do that, you know, we don't really have an excuse, I don't think any of us are more busy than he was. And, and so I think it's super important that we teach our sons this we teach our daughters this, and And believe me, if you teach your sons to help out their future wives inshallah will thank you, they will be very grateful to you. Because it really, honestly, it seriously saves marriages and I and actually, there are statistics to show this, that in those relationships, where there's a partnership, and there's an the two parties kind of help each other out, that those actually are less likely to end in divorce. So it's important and then we have a

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precedent of precedence in in our, in our beautiful example of the profits of the I sell them he used to help out in the house and and you know, it's we're kind of a little bit

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we pick and choose and when it comes to the Sunday you know, we'll we'll pick the sooner that maybe we we like and we leave those that maybe we don't and it's also important that we always put the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam above culture, that's extremely important. We never should allow culture to supersede the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu sallam. So if in my culture, it's not considered cool for a guy to help out his wife or his mother, well, you know, we should ask ourselves, do we follow culture? Or do we follow the Sunnah of the Prophet so I sell them and that's extremely important. If you look at the culture that the Prophet Mohammad Sai send them lived in, he

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did a lot of things that were against his culture, he lived in a culture where they used to bury girls a life you know culture can have some very ugly things and we have to be very careful what we accept, when it comes to culture, what is our criteria when it comes to culture? Obviously, we know that we have the code and we have the Sunnah of the Prophet. So I send them whenever there is a cultural norm that contradicts with the code and or the sooner we should not accept it. We don't just absorb these things mindlessly and say that, you know, no, but this is this isn't accepted in our culture, because we know what the criteria should be between what is good and what is bad.

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inshallah. Tada. Now, there is a question that someone has asked regarding arranged marriages.

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Now, I think it's you know, it's it's important to look at the balance.

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You know, we're told, okay, Santa Monica brother Ali.

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Yes, my name is Ali and I'm a Pakistan and living in Sweden right now. Mashallah, actually the thing is that in Pakistan, we are not that kind of dating or

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marriage is a concept. Basically they have arranged marriages. Now the trend is changing, and be a married man in a couple of months, and I

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have an arranged marriage as well. But the issue is, I'm not happy with my marriage.

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The Girl with whom I'm going to marry, I'm not that happy. And same is the case with the girl. But the thing is that the families are connected so strongly that if I reject or say no, there will be a lot of problems. So these are the

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I'm not interested in going into a marriage, but I have Wow, Subhan Allah.

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May Allah subhanaw taala make it easy for you. Thank you for sharing your story. I think there are a lot of people who can relate to your story. I want to begin actually Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim o salat wa salam ala rasulillah Wada, le wasabia Jemaine rubbish, Rafi sadri, way acidity, I'm rewatching, all of them in the center of the whole colony.

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First of all, when it comes to marriage, I think there are what we might call two weeks. So there is the extreme of dating, in terms of you know, that that using, you know, dating as an institution to find a spouse. And I think there's another extreme, and that is the extreme of

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forced marriages, perhaps, or getting married blind, in the sense of you don't know anything about the person. Maybe you haven't even really seen the person, and you're just getting married because it was arranged by your family. And I think islamically when we look at the Sunnah of the prophets, I send them we find that there's the middle ground, where, you know, one other problem I one other thing I want to point out a lot of times, love marriage, and dating are calm, sort of

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combined into one category as if they're the same thing. And I have a problem with that. The reason I have a problem with that is because they're not the same thing. When you get married for because you liked someone or you were interested in someone does not mean that you dated that person and that they were your boyfriend. So we need to be careful about you know, separating those concepts. And I know culturally, they've been kind of, well, if you liked the person before marriage, it meant you were dating. That's completely, even if you look at the Sunnah, that's not right, because there's an example where a man came to the Prophet, so I sent him and he said that he, he told the

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prophets, I sent him that he was going to marry a certain woman from the unsought. And the prophets I send them asked him right away, have you seen her? And the man said, No, and, and he was actually told by the prophet, so the lie, send them to go and look at her. And so there is a reason why Allah subhanaw taala you know, why the Prophet civili send them is telling the man to go look at her, there is that, that that attraction that should be there, you know, and

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regardless of how much you know, you may or may not know, but that that idea of going in completely blind with no feelings, is is not something even that's, that's, that has, you know, this isn't even what the prophets I send them was saying to the men, you know, in this example, so, so look, having that attraction or having that feeling before marriage doesn't, is something that is actually it should be there, there should be physical, there should be mutual attraction, mutual interest, there's nothing more Islamic about going into a marriage completely blind. In fact, again, to reiterate the prophets, I seldom told the man to go look at her, he did not want the man to go in

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blind having not seen her. And, and you know, and you can, you can understand that there's more to it, obviously, than just looking at the person but finding out about the person, you know, and, and knowing something about their character and about their personality and, and how your ideas and how your personalities would be compatible. That's important to find out and that is not equivalent with dating. And that's, that's what's so important is to separate the two because we end up going to one extreme or another. And I think part of the problem too, is that the youth might be reacting to this other extreme, you know, the extreme of, we're going to arrange your marriage and doesn't matter if

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you like each other, you have to get married. And there's I think that every extreme sort of brigade's another extreme. You know, when you react to one extreme, you'll react with another extreme. And the other extreme is is the institution of dating. So what we have to do is come back to the middle ground, we have to come back to the you know, we're we're told that this is we are on bottom of Masada, the people the the oma of the middle path, we have to come back to the middle ground, which is

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Which is that, you know, what we could call Islamic courting, right? It's not dating because it's not, you know, you don't do all the things that you would do as, you know, we in dating, and also it's for the intention of marriage, it's not just to have fun and to just hang out and, you know, get everything for free without any commitment. But rather, your intention is to find someone compatible with you. And to find someone for marriage, and that's your intention. And it's okay to get to know each other, within the Islamic guidelines. And we we mentioned, one of those things is not actually being in seclusion, with the person, etc, and, you know, getting the the families

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involved and, you know, that kind of thing, but you still, you know, there needs that you find out about the person. And, and, and in talking about the forced marriages, the prophets I send them has told us that you should always take the consent, when it comes to marriage, you can, you know, it's not right to force anybody to get married. And there's many, many examples from the, from the Sunnah of the prophets, I send them where, you know, that, that really support this, that, that you should not marry your daughters without consent. And even in case there was a case where a woman came and told the prophets, I send them that she had been married without her consent, and the prophets I

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send them asked her if she wanted a divorce, and she said, No, I'm going to accept it, but I want it to be known that that, you know, that this cannot happen, you know, she did that, in order for it to be a precedence that you cannot force your daughters to get married. And so she, she wanted to make it clear that it that she had the choice, you know, to whether to stay in the marriage that she was forced into or not. So it's it's something that the prophets I sent him didn't, you know, he, he did not, he told people that they should not be forcing their their children to get married. With regards to your specific situation, the first advice I would give to you, rather early in, you know,

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may Allah subhanaw taala make it easy for you is I would make, I would tell you, to make a lot of massive,

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this, this is a situation where you have a lot of pressure on you, and whatever Allah subhanaw taala makes easy for you will be easy. And whatever Allah subhana wa that if if Allah is helping you, then then you know, whatever path you need to take, whether it's you know, taking a path of, of standing up for what you feel, or what you what you believe is right, Allah subhanaw taala if he's with you, it will be easy for you, and He will aid you. And if it if it involves, you know, whatever it involves, so what I would say is, the main thing you need to focus on right now is that you have a loss of Hano data at your side, and that Allah is aiding you in whatever is, whatever is, is good

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for you in this life in the next and whatever is good for her in this life in the next. So I advise you to pray, to pray istikhara, and to make a lot of da and ask Allah subhanaw taala, to guide you towards what is best to guide you towards what is best in this life and the next, and then to give you the strength to be able to, you know, to make it easy for you, to give you the strength to be able to do what that which needs to be done. And to make it easy on you to do what is right. It's extremely important right now, that you just ask a law that you want what is best and if it if it means marrying this woman or if it means not marrying her, ultimately, at the end of the day, all we

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want is what is most pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala and what is best for us in this life in the next. So you if you do this, if you really get close to a lot and you and you make a lot of the heart and and especially I advise you to wake up in the last third of the night and pray pm the time just before fetchit prayer is one of the most blessed times to pray and to make the arts Allah subhanaw taala says that, in the last third of the night, Allah descends to the lowest heaven and in the way that is befitting of His Majesty and he calls out who is calling on me so that I may answer his call. And and and so that is the time when you really need to plead to Allah subhanaw taala to

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just guide you and to take you to the place that you know to wherever is most clear for you, whatever is best for you and for and for the sister as well. But as a principle, you should not be entering a marriage you know in which both parties are not consenting, or both parties are not wanting to be married well law to Allah, Allah and Shahla we will take a short break now. And when we return, we will continue taking calls and also taking your comments on the chat box

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Assalamu alaikum This is your Srinagar hit and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio.

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We have a caller on the line right now Santa Monica.

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Monica Santa Monica barakato.

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Hi.

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I'm using a anonymous I, I married like, seven, eight months ago.

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And I've been dealing with an issue which I don't know if I can get over it. My husband likes to watch porn.

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And he does it behind my back. And it becomes so bad that I don't like to be out. I am afraid to take a shower half the time. Because

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Because I don't want to leave them alone. And I don't trust not go behind my back.

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Okay, okay. Well, sister, first of all, there are a couple issues when it when it comes to pornography first, you know, may Allah subhanaw taala make it easy on you. And, and and help him to overcome this this problem, and possibly this addiction, but he doesn't see it as a problem. He said, either get over it, or go back, you know, I don't care for this marriage. I mean, either get over it, or just don't look at it like that, and I eat is a form of cheating. But he doesn't. Okay. Okay. All right. Um, what what I would recommend to sister is is actually seeking counseling for for you and your husband, because this is this is a serious issue. And, you know, naturally it mean

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this, this will come between couples and it apps, it fundamentally affects the relationship. Even, you know, even if we look at it from two angles, there's the angle of, you know, Islamic Lee, as we know, as you know, it is it is a major, you know, it's a major sin to be the prophesies that I'm told us that this is considered Xena of the eyes, when you look at something that you're not supposed to look at, there's the issue of, you know, the, you know, that the infidelity issue, of course, and then and then you know that there's the Islamic aspect, and then there's actually, even if you look at it from a totally secular perspective, it's also it destroys relationships, it

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destroys marriages. And so I think it is extremely important that you involve a third party, you know, someone who's trained to deal with these issues and and, and you seek counseling for for this very, very important issue. And, and I will, I will say this much to you, it isn't something that's wrong with you. Okay, so that's important for you to understand. Sometimes, people in this situation think that maybe it's because there's something wrong with me, or I'm not good enough. I've told him that I've told him that, that maybe there is something wrong with me, okay, but but I want to tell you and emphasize to you, there isn't something wrong with you, okay? It isn't, first of all, your

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fault. That's, that's First of all, it isn't, because there's some deficiency in you. And second of all, it isn't just something you need to get over that you're just you know,

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you know, sometimes people might make you feel like, it's not a big deal. And you know, you're kind of just making a big deal out of nothing. What what I want to tell you, you know, islamically, based on, you know, research, it is a big deal. So, it's definitely not something that you just want to sweep under the rug. So, you know, I just want to emphasize to you, that it isn't all just your problem, you know, that you need to just get over, nor is it your fault. So those are really important for you, for you to really understand. But he made it very clear, he said that either either get over it, or just go back home by go back home. I think he meant divorce.

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Okay, so would he be open to counseling?

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No. Okay. Um, you know, I think

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what I what I would recommend right now, first of all, you want to pray staccato about these matters. And you want to make a lot of dots for Allah subhanaw taala to guide you to what's best. And one of the things is that when we go through this life, we go, we enter parts of our life where we feel like we're kind of just in the dark, right? You don't know what to do, you don't know which direction to go. That's the reality of us as crazy as the creation we have no idea what what's coming tomorrow, we don't know what's best for us. So it's so important that we don't try to control ourselves, you know, our, you know, what, thinking that we know what's best but but actually turning

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to Allah subhanaw taala and asking him to, to actually guide us to to exactly what is best and to give us the strength to do that. Have you been able to make about this issue into into turn to last panel data for guidance?

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Yes, I have

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It hasn't worked, nothing has worked. Well, sometimes we think that something isn't working, because we want it to work out a specific way. And for example, you might be asking Allah subhanaw taala, you know, make my husband change, right or make my husband, you may be asking for something in a certain way, but we don't we, you know, we're told in the end, for example, as Santa crochet and raha hydrolock home, it may be that you hate something, but it's good for you, while Santa hibou Shay and we'll have a chatroom acoem. It may be that you love something, and it's bad for you. And then Allah goes on to say that he knows and we don't know. So one of the principles that we have to

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understand in Islam is that I might want things to work out a specific way. And I see, you know, head I see what what is good as being a certain outcome. And actually, it isn't necessarily what is best, and maybe the best, what is best is a completely different outcome. So you know, you say that you've been you've been asking, but it isn't working. So what what you mean is that he's not changing, right? Is that what you mean?

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What do you mean, when you say it isn't working?

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Alright, when you say it isn't working, what do you mean? Like you said, You're making die, but it isn't working. I mean, that he goes back to his routine, or like, you'll change for like, days, I think. But it's all hidden and done behind my back. And I always catch it. Okay, so So again, what you're saying is that it isn't working, because it isn't and the outcome that you expect, right? But what I'm asking you to do, is to ask Allah to actually do what is best and it doesn't necessarily have to be in the form that you think is best to Does that make sense?

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It does make sense. But you see, I'm still in the middle ground right now. Like, my foot is in two places. I want to stay in this marriage. But But I don't see a good future in it. So what what Tom, how I mean, what what do you think is the solution then?

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I just don't know what to do. I mean, like, I just, I don't think I can take a stand and I just don't know what to do. Okay, so what I'm what I'm what I'm asking you to do is to make to pray a staccato and to make a lot of draw to try whatever you can. So So here's what I want you to do, is I want you to pray, I want you to pray a staccato, I want you to make a lot of dough out for a lot to do what's best to you know, to guide you and him to what is best. And then I want you to to continue to try to continue to try to convince him to see counseling, maybe continue to try to work with him. And then you know, what will end up happening in sha Allah if you really are sincere with Allah

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subhanaw taala is a low will give you the guidance and the strength to take a stand and and to do exactly what it is that you need to do and and and and what is most, inshallah pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala. Right now, it might seem scary, right. You know, sometimes we stick stay in certain situations, because we're afraid of change. Do you ever feel like that's the case?

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Yeah, I don't want to be a divorcee. I just got married. Mm hmm. Okay, well, one thing too, that that we have to unlearn is a lot of the times why we we stay in certain situations, and we sort of accept any kind of

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situation is because we're very afraid of what other people think, what how I'm going to be labeled or how I'm going to be perceived by society. That's one of those really,

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because I love him. Okay. Yes, I understand the good guy is this, you know, he has these habits that he's had since he was, he was a guy, he was a boy. Yes. And, you know, one thing to understand about pornography is it is a very, very serious addiction. You know, it is like a drug addiction. So it isn't something that first of all, it's it's absolutely not healthy. Again, on any level, whether it's islamically, or secular level, it's not healthy, it's not healthy for the individual. It's not healthy for relationships, it's like a drug addiction. And second of all, it's not easy to break, especially if someone doesn't see it as a problem. So that's why I'm saying that, that I think it's

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very important for you to focus right now on making a lot of Doha and to asking and asking Allah subhanaw taala to to guide you to guide your husband and to allow you to basically enable you to to be firm and take a stand in whatever direction is actually best for you and for him to feeling unsure. But but i i will tell you this that when you when you make that decision, and Allah subhanaw taala if he is pushing you in one direction or another, you you won't feel this way anymore. You will feel much more sure. And you'll feel your heart will be at rest and that's part of the answer to an A staccato for

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example is that you you're making a staccato about a certain issue. And one of the ways in which an A staccato is answered is that your heart just feels at rest with a particular you know, direction versus another. Right now you're unsure but but but you know, once if you again turn to Allah completely and entirely and submit to what is you know what he wants you to do, you'll find that your heart will be at peace in sha Allah with, with what you need to do and and Allah will make a way out for you in sha Allah to Allah, Allah never leaves you, you know Allah never leaves you that's important to understand. If you're in a difficult situation and you seek his help, he will

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never leave you. You just you just have to seek Him and seek him completely. I also recommend you know to you that you that you really really use that time in the last third of the night. If you aren't already then begin you know start doing that praying getting up in the last part of of the night just before federa Time The pm time and making dua and praying at that time and I guarantee Allah will make a way out for you it's it's it's a promise of Allah subhana wa tada

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thank you so much

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helpful Thank you um that alleges that clock and if you you know if you have actually if you want to follow up or you have any other questions you can reach me directly at Serenity at one legacy radio.com you just email serenity at one legacy radio.com

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Okay, all right, I got it. Okay, does that go okay. You're welcome. Monica was sent out to Liberia Cata.

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inshallah, we we have to, you know, pause there and to end the show there, but inshallah what what, what I want to do is continue this discussion, this of course, is a huge discussion, you know, which we can do numerous shows on on shaula on Thursday, this coming Thursday, at the same time, we will continue this discussion on this question, is there a marriage crisis and we will be live again inshallah, on Thursday at one legacy radio.com who nikoli Heather was the Hollywood echo innovaphone Oh, Rahim. We ask Allah subhanaw taala to to guide all of us, you know, to strengthen our families and to and to strengthen our relationships and to you know, guide us to what is most pleasing to Him

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if there's if there's anything I said that was, was true and good it is from Allah subhanaw taala and if there's anything I said that was wrong, is from my own neffs was Sam La La comme warahmatullahi wabarakatuh