Tips to Resolve Marital Conflict
Channel: Yasir Qadhi
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about her. There's an authentic hadith, which shows us what we typically take for granted, we typically overlook that which is positive, and we take it for granted. And we concentrate on that which is negative, that which is positive, we, we don't even think about it, I'll give you a simple example. We don't value our health until it's taken away. We don't value the fact we don't have a headache until we have a headache. We don't value the fact how easy it is for us to be walking around until my foot or your foot is a problem that we have to then go and crutches. We don't value what we have, until it's taken away. So our prophets of Allah who said them said, Let no person only
look at the negatives of his or her spouse. If for every negative, there will be positive, look at those positives as well. So this was a second way that we can reconcile marital dispute, there is no doubt that your spouse has certain things that are irritating for you, just like you have things that are irritating for your spouse, rather than concentrate on that list of negatives, take a step back and say, Okay, what's the positives? Perhaps one spouse might be, I don't know, maybe a little bit complaining about one issue. Okay, let's look at some of the positives, maybe that spouse is really good. As a parent, maybe that spouse is good in dealing with the tantrums of the children,
and you're not good that good in dealing with the town, some of the children, maybe one spouse spends a lot of money or wants to spend a lot of money, but at the same time, that spouse is very loving to the partner. So whatever the negative is, our profit system said, don't just concentrate on the negative, let no person despise let no male that hadith is actually the explicit men versus men. And of course, the context means the husband versus the wife. And of course, the opposite applies the wife versus the husband, let no husband despise his wife. If there are certain things he doesn't like, Surely there must be things that are pleasing about her that he's not looking at. He's
taking for granted, he's ignoring. So don't do that. Make sure you look at the positive before you jump to the negative. So this is the second point that we have the third point so once we've come to the giving various points number one, no marriage is without strife. The perfect marriage is gonna have stripe as our profit system had number two, no one should concentrate on the negatives. They're also positives, or that's actually number three. Sorry, number one was, both parties are not perfect. Sorry, this is point number three. Point number four.
One of the most optimistic verses in the whole Quran about marriage is the following. Allah says in the Quran,
in UT the is la han, you are filthy Allah who been a homer. This should be in my humble opinion, memorized by both partners before they get married. It is the most optimistic verse when it comes to marriage in the whole Quran. What is it translate as Allah is talking about husband and wife fighting husband wife having a issue between them, if the both of them want to be reconciled, if the both of them want to solve the argument, if the both of them want to overcome the problem, Allah will bring about a solution to their problem this surah nisa read it. It's such a positive verse in the Quran. Allah is promising we all know we all know that Allah wants us to preserve our marriages.
Shavon wants us to break them off. We know this, that our Prophet system said the worst Halal in the eyes of Allah is Allah is halal, but it is the worst handle or the most despised halal. Allah and Allah has
nobody, Allah doesn't like turn off shaytaan like Salah you know this right? shaytaan rejoices one product takes place. So Allah is saying, Look, husband and wife, if you want to stay married and you want to overcome your problems, Allah is promising, I will bring about a solution. You are fickle. Allah Hubei now Homer between the two of them, Allah will bring about that Sophia. And Sophia Pierre means reconciliation between the two. It is impossible if husband and wife one the marriage to last for the sake of Allah, obviously, it's understood, right? You want to be married and you have a lot on your mind that we want to please Allah and we want to bring about a solution. Allah is saying, I
will bring about a solution. Now obviously, if one of the two doesn't want to remain married, well then what can be done, then? We'll come to that point in a while. But here's the point for this one.
If both parties are sincere, they will find a solution Alhamdulillah that should be the best source of optimism. Okay, next point. I'm not keeping track of them.
verse or whatever it is the next point.
Our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Warren does when one of you is angry, let him not speak. This hadith is in the context of between friends, how much more so between spouses. When you have an argument, stay quiet. You don't need to say anything. You don't need to solve the argument when you're angry. Anger is not the time to solve the argument. Rather, solve the argument when you and your partner the spouses have calmed down. I will process some give us advice. When one of you gets angry standing up, sit down, sitting lie down. One of you one of you gets angry. Say I was a biller who initiated a gym, when one of you gets angry go do will do when one of you gets angry, be quiet.
This is a Hadith when one of you gets angry Leah Scott, let him be quiet. Don't speak when you're angry. By the way. Same applies to WhatsApp and text messages and writing emails do not do that when you're angry, calm down, and especially husbands husbands in particular, Allah has given us more of a responsibility because
the Talaq is in the right of the husband. And in the state of anger, if the husband says something that they will later regret it is the husband that has that privilege with privilege comes responsibility. So even if the wife is saying things in anger, all that she says cannot break the bonds of marriage. But if the husband is provoked, and the husband says something or the biller, then they're going to come ask him for fat when I said they share and what do I do know Quiet, quiet. Even if the woman is speaking, let her speak. You have to maintain your dignity. You have to maintain your anger until your anger calms down, then discuss what needs to be discussed. No problem
once the anger calms down. Also realize my dear brothers and sisters, Allah created men and women differently. Each one has their their strengths and their weaknesses. And of the weaknesses that perhaps the woman has is that words hurt them more than they hurt the husband. So whatever your wife says, maybe you will forgive and forget in a day or a week. But as we all know, one word you say shall be memorized for all of eternity, and be brought back and regurgitate it, oh, seven years, three months and two days ago, you said this. This is the way Allah created them. They have their strengths, we have our strengths. They have the weaknesses, we have our weaknesses of their
weaknesses, words hurt them more than they hurt us. So therefore, be careful. And don't say when you're angry. This is one of the ways to solve the marriage don't say anything. When our profit system was angry, as I Aisha and others say they could see it from his expression. They couldn't hear it because he didn't speak, they could see it that his eyebrows would become furrowed. They would know his angry, but they wouldn't hear it, because he would keep his tongue in check. So this is another point of trove of reconciling our scholars mentioned, speech is like an arrow that you shoot, once you shoot it, you cannot bring it back. So be careful what arrows you shoot. If you keep
it inside, you're not shooting the arrow, you're fine. No matter how angry you are, no one's gonna get angry at you for being angry. But everyone will get angry at you for what you said in the state of anger. So do not attempt to solve the problem when you are angry, even if the other partner is angry. And the same advice for our sisters as well. That in case your husband is in a state that they're just angry, angry, angry, then maintain the dignity and try your best to until the situation calms down and then attempt to solve the problem. Also, some of the things that our psychologists and counselors and therapists mention is that one and this is something we find from the theater as
well, that one chooses the right time and place to bring up the issues of the past to try to solve them. Not every time in place is Manasa. And you know what time is best? And what situation is best? You know, what is the best way to bring up and what is the best time to bring up something to be solved. And this is something that cannot be taught it's human nature, be wise, when do you want to solve this issue and realize husbands and wives, the goal is not to win the argument. The goal is to preserve the marriage. The goal is not to win one argument. The goal is to preserve the marriage and sometimes one party will quote unquote lose an argument but win over the hearts of the other partner
Wallahi that is a victory. That is a victory. If you lose one argument but you gain the love of your spouse. This is a victory for you and the children. Do not let your ego destroy your
children's lives. Do not let your ego permanently harm you. Marriage is give and take. Marriage is all about compromise. It's all about compromise. And sometimes you have to compromise and sometimes your partner has to compromise. And each marriage situation is different, who compromises an ideal situation 5050. But realistically, we know that doesn't happen. Some personalities are stronger than others. Okay, that's the way Allah created. Your goal is not the pleasure of the partner. It is the pleasure of Allah subhana wa taala. Which brings us to the next point. If both partners have Allah in the picture, then in sha Allah Insha Allah, there can be reconciliation, but if they remove Allah
from the picture, then their egos become big, because you see, when you both love Allah, when you both want to strive to reach Allah, then your egos will be kept in check Allahu Akbar, than my ego and her ego, Allahu Akbar, then us getting involved without trying to please Allah. And that is why having a righteous spouse, generally speaking, generally speaking, brings about a better marriage. It's a general rule. There are always exceptions. In this regard, generally speaking, a righteous spouse brings up a better marriage. Why not? Because not just because righteousness automatically translates into better o'clock? No, there's a bigger reason. And that is when the both of you are
closer to Allah, then your values, your goals are aligned together, and your egos are put in check. So the both of you are willing to compromise, not for your sake or her sake, for the sake of the one up there. And that is why when the believing man and woman when they are both conscious of Allah, they're willing to compromise more, and they say, You know what, Allah will reward me that attitude, Allah will reward me, it solves so many problems of marriage, okay, I lose this argument in your heart, you say, I lose this argument, I'll just ignore this and move on for the sake of my life for the sake of my children, and Allah will bless. And Allah will bless you Subhan Allah, Allah will
make it better for you. Also one of the things our psychologists mentioned. And it's a very simple point, when you sit down to resolve the issue and problem, obviously, communicate in explicit phrases. This is something that a lot of times, perhaps husbands and perhaps wives, they don't do. A lot of times, we'll make assumptions we read in NEA, we read in something that doesn't necessarily exist. So before we even try to solve the problem, we need to state the problem in simple terms, from our perspective, a lot of times the spouse is not fully aware of the severity of the problem of the nature of the problem, and they're making an assumption and the other partner feels you already
know what's wrong. No, don't make that assumption. Maybe the other partner does not know what is wrong. So you need to state the problem in simple language also, our our therapists say, when you say the problem, do not use accusative language, rather speak in the first person, this is a simple trick of psychology, do not say you did this to me. Because automatically when you say you, then the second person becomes in the defensive, never accused when you're stating the problem. rather speak in the first person. When you speak in the first person, automatically. You're taking the finger out of the other you say, for example, I felt very hurt when this occurred. When you might have said
this, don't say you said this, and you embarrass me No, say I felt embarrassed when you said this changes the whole narrative because now you're trying to show your side of the story in your language rather than accusing you come out as the one who's explaining what happened. And maybe just maybe your partner your spouse didn't understand the severity didn't understand the emotional issue. So when you say I rather than you, this solves a lot of problems as well. And you speak in the first person and you use gentle language as we all know from our Prophet system when he said that Oh, Isha. Oh, wow. Isha gentleness, always beautifies everything. And harshness always makes everything
ugly. When you speak, gently explain. Explain your point. And then listen back and forth and realize in most scenarios, in most scenarios, it's not 100% Right one partner 0%, right, the other partner No, in most scenarios, it's 7030 6040. There is a little bit of back and forth, so we need to understand the other side and then attempt to work together in this and final points as well. Before we finish off, never underestimate the power of dua, never under arrest.
Meet the power of dua. If we're supposed to make dua in the Quran for people that are not even related to us, Allah Allah Allah live bein Rubina, the Muslim ummah, oh Allah bring us together we're supposed to make dua for strangers of the Ummah, oh Allah don't make our hearts disunited, we make this dua for generic strangers, how much more so for our spouses how much more so for our marriages, do not underestimate the power of the app when no one is listening to you. Raise your hands up to Allah, Allah will listen to you and say, Oh Allah, soften my heart and the heart of my spouse and make us come together. Make dua to Allah, our Prophet sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam said,
the heart is between the two fingers of Allah, he changes it however he wants, Allah can change the hearts of anyone. And perhaps maybe it is your heart that is hard, and you're not seeing it. So make dua to Allah, Oh Allah soften my heart and the heart of my spouse so that we come back together. And then how many points let's say two points left. And this is actually a detailed class, I have a detailed class I have taught online and whatnot, it's not available on Youtube it I talk too long class about to marriage and whatnot, will mention two other points. If the situation is not solved internally, then the Quran mentions another step. The Quran mentions another step, that suppose it
is a very big issue, it is really causing disunity in the family and the two of you polite discussion calmly using AI language when both of you are calm, it doesn't solve it, then what do you do? Allah has given us in the Quran fabae to hacker min early, he will hack a madman, the two of them should decide each one reaches out to somebody that they both look up to a cousin, an uncle, a relative, a family friend, each one has one on their side, each one has one that they're more sympathetic to, right. So the wife might have a brother, she might have a cousin, she might have a family friend that knows her since she was a child say I'm going to invite uncle so and so. And then
the brother says, You know what, I'm going to invite our family friend, somebody that knows the both of them, but they know one side more than the other, so that each side feels I'm getting my partner, I'm getting my teammates, right, and then bring in the both of them. And then they open up and they say this is what happened. And in this case, they're allowed to say anything about the other, you know, partner that they think needs to be said. And Allah azza wa jal mentions in this context, that if they really want reconciliation, even though it comes after this, but the verse is broad enough to apply to any situation, if they really want reconciliation, Allah will bring about
reconciliation. Bringing in a third party is something that opens our horizons all too often, we are totally blinded by our worldview, when a friend comes in, and he says, Hey, bro, you really, you went too far, you shouldn't have done that. Then, even though our wife was saying that for a year, you went too far, when our friend says that you say, Oh, I guess I guess my wife was right, our ego will not accept it from the wife. But when the friend says it, then we might accept it. Or the same with the wife that we are saying we are saying when her friend says when her cousin says she might say, okay, maybe my husband was right, I'm sorry. This is the point of bringing in the external
party, because all too often, our egos blind us, if even this does not work. And the two parties, the two judges that come and by the way, these judges don't have to be PhDs in Sharia, their family, friends with wisdom, the relatives that have lived life more than you simple as that they just know the situation, you know that they can be a neutral third party, they don't have to know have a lot of knowledge of zero. This is just some family, friends or relatives that you trust for their wisdom. That's all that it is. And we all know people like this that can help us out. If these two come together, and they say, You know what? irreconcilable differences the to the husband and wife
are not on the same wavelength. And husband, Why pray istikhara and they think that maybe it's not best for them to continue. Then and only then the final situation which Allah says in the Quran, either you hold on to the marriage with your son, or you will let go with your son. There should be no bitterness, no anger, no cursing, no, no reason to go to court and sue each other. Allah is saying in the Quran, if you live together live together in exon if you cannot then part in exon and Allah will take care of both of you. This is in the Quran that Allah will take care of the both of you and this is something that we need to also be very clear about.
Some of the greatest Sahaba their marriages ended in divorce.
This stigma that we have given to divorce frankly it is honestly Amick it is true that we don't aim for divorce divorce is like the fire exit. You see the
exit here. We don't want to use them. We never use them, but do they exist? Yes. So when the need arises, then we know the exit is there. So we need to stop stigmatizing if divorce is done properly, some of the greatest Sahaba Abdullah having a Zubayr and a smart sorry Zubaydah and a smart boubakeur. Zubayr, one of the 10 promise Jana, and a smart the sister of Isha, the daughter of Abu Bakr, is anybody gonna say either of them were bad in their image? Of course not. You can have the best team on the best Taqwa. And the marriage doesn't work out. I mean, Subhan Allah to metallically are they always best to friends to people praying budget every day? Are they going to be best
friends? Friendship. Marriage is something different than taqwa and Iman. You can have him or you can have Taqwa. And sometimes the marriage doesn't work. So it doesn't mean that if a divorce takes place, that there are evil people with Ebola, they are not righteous. No, the stigma needs to go as well. The stigma of divorce, especially upon the lady, this is another Islamic day, in the time of the sahaba. There was no stigma of a divorce lady. Most of our mothers were divorces other than Russia, as we know, all of them were divorces other than Asia. If divorce had a stigma, do you think our profit system would marry all of the women he married were divorcees or widows, then? No, there
is no stigma. We are the ones who place it. And we say, Oh, she must have done something not at all. Sometimes it's his fault. Sometimes it's hers. And most of the time Islamically it should be no one's fault. They just didn't get along, have done a lot. And they went their separate ways. And that's something we should be publicly state because divorce has become a taboo topic. And people never not only talk about it, they don't even know how to do it. And insha Allah one day, someday, I will give an entire about divorce, even though I don't want to but why? Because just like when you go on the plane, and they give you those safety, the safety check, right? The safety check.
Instructions, what not why? I have over a million and a half miles on planes. I have never once had to use those rules. And I pray that Allah never asked ever causes me to use them. But should I ever say I don't want to hear those rules when I got on the plane? No, we need to know it for our safety. When we don't know it locked, then law something happens what's going to happen? It might be a case of life and death. Same goes for divorce. People are stuck for a lot. Jai when it comes to divorce. They don't know anything. And because it's a taboo and nobody says anything, when they need to do it, they do it incorrectly. And then they go when they come share I did this shift I did that.
Divorce is never done in haste, never the way you plan for marriage. If you need to divorce, you need to plan 10 times more for the divorce as much as you plan for the marriage. This is the laws of Islam. Divorce is not meant to be given in haste and that is why we will talk about the procedures of divorce inshallah one day, but if it needs to be done, there is a procedure there is a methodology there is Fick that is associated with it. And the person husband and wife should sit down with the chef and go over the procedure for divorce, and neither party should be made to feel guilty. If everything was done in accordance with Islam, that exit is there. It is not something
that we should aim for when we enter a marriage. But we should know it is there for a wisdom that Allah has placed His for these are some generic advice that we have. And again, I reiterate my dear brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, marriage is all about compromise. Each partner must compromise for the greater good. Each partner must sometimes lose an argument to win the marriage and that is a far bigger victory than a minor issue back and forth. Each partner needs to prioritize what is the bigger issue? What are the things I can get by with and ignore? And what are the things I need to discuss with my partner so that we can live a better marriage insha Allah Who to either
those that are sincere, those that make dua to Allah, those that really want Islam, Allah promises I will bring about Islam may Allah bless me and you and all of us with blessings and good marriages and may Allah subhana wa Tada guide us to the best role model in our prophets Allah Selim and the marriages with our mothers are after that $100 Bill Alameen wa salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.