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Finding Tranquility in Marriage

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Yasir Qadhi

Channel: Yasir Qadhi

Episode Notes

Panel Discussion

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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jelly either call up the aromas the hatin da Seanie. Luna does she mean Alon Toby

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we are gathered in one of the houses of Allah subhanho wa Taala to talk about one of the most important institutions of life, an institution that Allah Himself has sanctified, an institution that Allah calls one of his signs and miracles, an institution that our Prophet system recommended us to be a part and parcel of an institution that our profit sets and mentioned throughout so many of his outbursts and ruse, and most importantly, in the Farewell Sermon, when he only had five paragraphs although I sent him an entire paragraph was dedicated to this institution of marriage and the rights of marriage. So we thank Allah subhana wa Tada who has gathered us here today. And the

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hope in sha Allah is that we not only learn some practical knowledge, but most importantly, we have a willingness to engage a commitment to try our best to make the best of this blessing institution for those of us that aren't married for those of us are searching for to make the best of how we get to that blessed institution in sha Allah Allah. And before I begin, I wanted to just allow each of the speakers to quickly introduce themselves. I will begin with myself if you don't know who I am then that's a bit of an issue if you're here sitting here just getting a dial up your brother yesterday holiday who has moved to your blessing community three months and three years ago, and

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Alhamdulillah it's been an amazing time. So if you'd use yourself a job that you have the mic okay

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there we go.

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So I'm gonna fly with regard to who my name is Usman Morgagni Joseph Mulcair for inviting me. I'm a Valley Ranch community. I was talking a little bit trash about you with this. Yesterday does a little bit earlier ago, just anyway.

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So my name is Usman will be like I said, I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I have a private practice out in Valley Ranch where I work with and treat and diagnose different mental health illnesses and do premarital counseling, family counseling, marriage counseling, things like that. So as I

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said, I'm alikoum everyone my name is Susie Ismail. I live in Princeton, New Jersey, and I run an international nonprofit organization called cornerstone that focuses on rebuilding relationships using faith based communication and relations strategies to work through the difficulties that we face not just in dunya, but also with the intention of pleasing Allah so that we can attain our Hara. I'm also the author of a couple of books on the topic of marriage divorce. And our new editions have just been released 10 years after the last one had been written so, so feel free you know, at the end, we've got some cards about our organization cornerstone, we do provide

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interventions that are slightly different than traditional Western therapeutic interventions. It's a form of therapy that really is rooted in the Quran and the Sunnah with a focus on communication strategies.

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Salaam Alaikum My name is Taliban Ani, I'm a faith based counselor serving the Muslim community since 1998 And Alhamdulillah. Right now have a mindful heart Academy it's a mentorship program for sisters, we've had over 3000 sisters go through the program mashallah building self esteem, emotional intelligence, helping them to be the best version of themselves so they can be the best, best wives best mothers and best servants of Allah and hamdulillah have several marriage programs, five pillars of marriage, it's a way of saving your marriage and also a premarital program which is Laugh and Learn with the comedian Bob ID and Epic is home so it's it's beautiful to be here masala

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and thank you for having us. Alhamdulillah Xochimilco for all of you to participate as well. So our format is going to be as follows I'm going to give each of the speakers including myself around five minutes of generic advice that they have found helpful. All of these are marriage counselors. I'm the odd one out over here, but because of my who I am, you have to engage in marriage counseling even if you haven't been trained in it. So five minutes of the Kalasa de Zubeida the creme de la creme like their inshallah collective 60 years of expertise summarized for you Inshallah, in five minutes, what do they advise married couples, and then what we're going to do, we're going to open

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up the floor for q&a. There is a QR code is that there already? Mustapha? Yeah, the QR code is there. So

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scan the QR code with your phones, and then send in your questions to Mustafa and Inshallah, then we're just going to take the questions that shallow, the most pertinent and relevant, and whoever wishes to take them will be able to do so. So I'll begin to shoulder with brothers month Bismillah

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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim and I'll be sure he's always there only the misogyny of low quality sound like going off to labor cattle. So mine will probably be less than five minutes, I just want to focus on three very simple, very, very simple points, but I feel they go a very long way. Right. And the first thing I'm going to start off with is, you know, outside of the research outside of what,

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you know, the Quran and Sunnah says outside of the advice that we get from our scholars that events are the things that we found out through research. We learn a lot about marriage, by speaking to people who lost loved ones, right. But we don't really think about this that much. But I learned a lot about marriage, its benefits, what's really important, what really matters by speaking to widows, right? So the one thing that stands out over and over again, whenever I counsel someone who's lost a loved one, is that they remember, the small points. They don't remember the grandiose vacations, they don't remember the huge house, they don't remember this, they don't remember that.

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And they certainly don't sit there thinking about all but you know, 10 years ago, she said this to my mother in law, and or she said this to my mother or she, they don't think about that, right?

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They say in order KCP added to that, you know, like you just it's a habit. They remember the small things sitting and drinking chai together, right? Waking up next to the person going to sleep next to the person and when widows are kind of learning to

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adjust to life, those are the things that they missed the most. Those are things that they have the most difficulty with just having someone next to you that friendship, that companionship, the small things, right. So the first thing that I would advise learning from people who've lost their loved ones, is

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build routine around the small but consistent things, whether it's a walk in the morning, whether it's not going to sleep before, you know saying something nice to each other, making dua for each other, praying at least one prayer together. These are the things at the end of the day that build up and help sustain a marriage. The second thing, again, very small point, very simple point, right? We're not asking for grandiose gestures of love.

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Look for bids for emotional connection. Right? What do I mean by that? So I'll give you a very, very quick example, right? You're driving down the road with your spouse, and they see a tree, they say, Oh, wow, look at that tree. It's a pretty cool tree. Right? Some people will just ignore it. Okay. And chances are very little that your wife or your husband will say, hey, excuse me, I said, look at that tree. Let's turn back around and stare at that tree. They're gonna think, okay, the person doesn't care. Who cares about my opinion? It's just a dumb tree, whatever, right? But that small introduction, that little question that goes unnoticed. Look at that tree. It's, I want you to know

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about my opinion. I'm sorry. I want you to know about my opinion, I want you to know

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what's important to me. And so if the spouse responds and says, You know what, wow, that is a pretty cool tree. I like how the branches shoot out like this. Maybe one day we'll sell our house and build a tree house next to Epic, right? So look for those bids for emotional connection. Talk to your spouse, right? This is something that I get a lot from the sisters is that our husbands they don't share. They don't talk and husbands are similar. What do I have to share? What do I do? It's even the small things that build that connection, right? And then the third and final point is a little appreciation goes a long way. Little appreciation goes a long way. Right? He does not think Allah

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who does not think that people right, so how these prophets lie some. Sometimes we take certain things for granted. Yes, it's my spouse's responsibilities, my husband's responsibility to provide for the family, doesn't mean we don't want to be thanked about it. Right? Doesn't mean you shouldn't say you know, Joseph welfare, I see you going in and out every day working providing a halal income for our family, right? Well, it's my spouse's obligation to take care of the kids or to do this or to you know, have some type of balance or to speak to my mother with respect.

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Thank them, right? Those small things like a lot of times people assume that well, she should know that I appreciate that, or he should know I appreciate that. How, how will they know that? Right? A lot of times in my couples counseling sessions, I'll ask well, will you appreciate this and this and this about your partner? Have you ever shared that with them? Like no, I never said it. They can't read your mind. Right. So a little appreciation goes a long way. Number one, building simple routines. Number two, paying attention to bids for emotional connection. And number three is a little appreciation goes a long way. Thank your spouse for even the small

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other things, and Insha Allah, this will help to create a solid foundation. So Zocalo fair, I'm doubling both as emcee and speaker, so I have to do both Inshallah, okay, now introduce myself. So how can you go okay, as far as I'm going, okay, Bismillah, I was supposed to be jocose Okay, um, my five points of advice, for those who get humor.

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First point.

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All too often when we become accustomed to marital life, and we both have roles to play as husband and wife, we forget to explore the personality behind those roles beyond those roles beyond just the function of a husband and wife. So point number one, no matter how many years you've been married, bring up a topic of discussion that has absolutely nothing to do with your roles as husband and wife. So that you get to know ideas and personalities about the other person, talk about something that is of no relevance inside your household, something that is going on in the world, some phenomenon, some fad, some issue, so that you get to know the person behind the role, so that she or

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he becomes more than just that person who's doing the routine. Rather, you get to know a personality behind the person, and those that have been married, you know, 1020 30 years, and I'm doing one of them. Unfortunately, sometimes in the monotony of the routine, you really forget that you know what people are thinking beyond those routines and functions, things are happening, right. So point number one, get to know one another, beyond the functionality of the actual purpose of your marriage. And that means you bring up a topic of conversation, or you bring up an issue that is beyond your personal relationships, talk about something called overcoming the globe, talk about

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global warming, if you don't, maybe they believe in them or not talk about something that will bring about the personality, you get to explore the ideas and the way of thought processes of the person you are living with point number two,

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when something begins to irritate, and you're seeing that it's really bothering you learn to turn towards the person rather than against the person, something that's bothering you is not going to go away simply by time. If it's persistent in your relationship, you're going to have to figure out how to minimize by turning towards the person making this a topic of discussion in a gentle manner. In other lectures, I've given epic have spoken a little bit about the language to use when we bring up a sensitive issue. Don't bring in accusations don't use the use term, use the item. We talked a little bit about that. But the point is that misunderstandings are not going to magically disappear.

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So learn to turn towards the person as a result of a misunderstanding, when the tempers have calmed down when both of you can engage rather than the turning away, do not allow resentment to grow. Because what happens when resentment grows, is that you start snapping at the person for something that you should not snap at them for. And they will obviously exacerbate this, why that was so trivial, why'd you have to do that? You didn't do it because of that you did it because you have resentment in your heart. So if you cannot deal with your resentment, for some issues, you need to learn to turn towards and solve the problem before it gets beyond. That's point number two, point

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number three, I have five points. Point number three, our Prophet system said

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that let no spouse have in their hearts complete hatred of the other spouse. Because even if you don't like one characteristic, for sure, you will like another, this beautiful psychology, which is so often ignored. Point number three. Before you jump to the list of negatives and criticisms, which all of us have, make sure you already have a list in your head of the positives that you've overlooked. Because for sure you've overlooked them. Without a doubt, you have ignored positives and you've taken them for granted.

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Look at what your spouse has that, you know, other people are complaining about their spouse and you're like, well, at least I don't have that issue, right? And look at the positives, then look at the negatives in light of the positive list. So before you jump to my five criticisms of my spouse, list, my 10 positives of my spouse so that you can compare and contrast and realize Hey, okay, even if these things are here, well, at least the other ones are not and then you can actually see the pros and cons. That's point number three. Point number four. You must both parties be willing to compromise before a compromise is given to you as well. You cannot let your egos demand the

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compromise first before you compromise. The goal is not to win an argument the goal is to win

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The marriage, the goal is not to win the argument it is to win the marriage. And in order to win the marriage number one mechanism is if your ego is too big, your marriage is going to collapse. So humble your egos control your egos. You want your partner to compromise, you be willing to compromise. And you say point blank can negotiate, okay, fine, this is what you want, you will get it done. But then I asked this in return as well. So in order to receive what you want, in order to have your spouse compromise, you must come to the table willing to compromise yourself. And then final point, again, this is practical advice. Final point, nobody's perfect, you're not perfect,

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your partner is not perfect. So final point, the problems that you have in your marriage in your spouse, give it some thought and categorize them into that which you can solve. And that which is potentially not solvable, there are certain things that are perhaps not solvable, and begin with those you can solve. Maybe, just maybe when you finish that list, perhaps something you thought you couldn't solve, you can begin to work on it. But if you have a long, it's like any To Do List, any chore list doesn't matter about marriage, you have a long list of chores, you don't do anything about them, it's just gonna sit on your conscious and get nothing done. On the other hand, if you

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look at your chore list, like you know what, these ones I can knock out today, that one, give me a week, I'll take care of it. This one was so long, well, let me put at the bottom of the list. Guess what, as you go down that list, you're gonna get motivated, you're gonna say, oh, Alhamdulillah from eight, nine things down to two or three, and something you thought you could never do. Because the list was so long, all of a sudden, you're like, Well, okay, that's all that's left. Let's begin working on it. And lo and behold, mashallah might even get solved. And even if it doesn't hurt us, nobody's perfect. So point number five, categorize the issues of your marriage, prioritize that

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which is tangibly changeable, and work to change those. And then you never know that what you thought because there are things? Yeah, there are always going to be some things you can never change because it's a two way street. I guarantee you, your spouse also has a list of issues about you, some of which you've already decided you cannot change, this is the way I am. If that is the case, right? If that is the case, then okay, maybe it is try to change where you can and have your spouse change where you can and then leave the rest to Allah subhanaw taala. So these are my five points. May Allah subhanaw taala. Bless all of our marriages. With that, Charlotte, Dr. Susie, does

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that come on? Oh, here, are there limits on the rajim Bismillah R Rahman Rahim. So to build upon what Brother Osman and Shelly are sort of just shared with us, I think what we're hearing is the importance of having an empathy orientation and our marriages rather than our usual action orientation, we tend to be action oriented, we tend to be functional, we want to accomplish things we focus on, we need to do step one, step two, step three, and this is because many of us are more monophonic we view time as a fixed entity and things need to be done in that time. And who has time for you know, an Arabic We say the law, right, like you know the, the frivolous things. And yet,

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when we look to the Rasul sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we see some of the most beautiful narrations from Aisha Rajala and her being moments, little moments where the empathy was there, the connection was there with Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam spoke in a tongue without even speaking sometimes that connected with his beloved spouses. Now when we turn to the Quran, and again, no marriage talk is ever complete without talking about the verse in Surah Tarun that we're all familiar with, and we often concentrate on that verse in Surah toolroom that reminds us that marriage is built upon my word, Dora muda care and numbers. But when we look to the verse that

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precedes that specific marriage verse, we see Allah zoologia, describing humanity as Buchon tanto Scharoun that we are human beings who were dispersed, we are different and not just in you know, men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. We are different because we have different worldviews different upbringings, different trauma wounds, different issues that we carry into our marriage, we're different. Allah azza wa jal knows this, he tells us this, then he tells us that he has brought us together. And we've been brought together the test on Willie Horton supposed to find tranquility assister hella beautifully said in our earlier session to find tranquility through our

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thorough mouth through the acts of care and mercy. But at the end of that verse, and at the end of the series of verses that the four verses in Surah to room that come together that help us better understand communication in marriage, Allah azza wa jal reminds us that Nikola Tesla Coleman and we are reminded co minneota for karoun Coleman yar Kowloon, we're reminded that these are reminders this marriage is a reminder for those who think those who use rationale those who listen and listen with empathy listen with understanding. We're also reminded in that series of verses about Allah azza wa jal in creating us different has created us

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us with different colors and different tongues still f and Senator calm. And this is so important, because those different tongues when we talk about our love languages, when we talk about how we communicate how we want to feel loved and how we make others feel love, it's one of the greatest pitfalls that is labeled as miscommunication within marriage. The couple with a wife comes into our center, one of our counseling centers and says, you know, my husband doesn't love me. And we're like, Why? Why would you think that? And she says, He never says, I love you. He never says you're beautiful. He never tells me you know how great I am. And I see all of you know, the people in the

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movies and my friends and you know, they get to hear those words. And then the husband is like, what are you talking about? Woman? I vacuumed the whole house for you yesterday? How does that How is that not love. And in that situation, the tongue that the female is speaking is the language of affirmation. And the mail is speaking the language of service. And we see it over and over again. The husband may speak the language of gifting. I just bought you you know, the new refrigerator in the kitchen. You know, how come you're not using it to make me good meals, right? So he's speaking the language of gifting and the wife maybe is speaking the language of time? Well, it's not like

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you're ever home anyway. How am I going to spend time with you? Why should I even bother making you a meal? So again, the difference in tongues and Allah azza wa jal told us this in the Quran, many, many decades, many eons before Gary Chapman wrote his book, The five languages of love, but again, we take the secular and we understand it through the lens of the Quran and the Sunnah. And I think just one final note that that is such a beautiful reminder, one of my favorite narrations about the Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi. wasallam, comes from my Isha Jalon Ha, when she describes a moment of interaction, when she says that she had been on her menses, and she sat with the Rasulullah

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sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and between them there was a glass. And she said, she lifted the glass to take a drink, and put the glass down. And let us we'll SallAllahu wasallam turn that glass and placed his lips on the exact spot that her lips had just touched. Why was this important? Because I issued a doula and her in that moment maybe didn't feel like herself. She didn't feel comfortable, she didn't feel that good. And in a nonverbal way with a tongue that didn't speak any words that are swell. SallAllahu wasallam, conveyed empathy. In the split second that it took for him to turn that glass and place his lips on the same spot that the lips of his of his beloved eye shadow Angela Anna

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had placed. He conveyed love.

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So this is where I leave you all with the question? What tongue Do you speak in? How do you convey love to your spouse? And do you convey it in the way that you want to be loved? Or in the way that your spouse wants to be loved? And if you don't know what tongue you speak, take a Love Languages quiz. Find out do you speak gifting or service or time or touch? Or I'm missing one? affirmation? Yes.

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Understand. And honestly, this applies even when we raise our children know your love language, know how you convey it, know how you communicate it and know how those you love, want to be loved. And then take those little moments to do it with an empathy orientation rather than an action orientation.

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Salam Alaikum Bismillah salat wa salam ala Rasulillah. Now I remember a few years ago, a brother came in. And this happens all the time. He says, you know, Sister, sister, I don't need session. I don't need session. I don't have problem. I have one problem. My wife is my problem. You change my wife, no problem, right. And it the focus is on the wife being a problem. And many sisters will come in and say, If you could change these 10 things about my husband, we won't have a problem anymore. I don't need this because I watch Dr. Phil all the time. And I don't need these sessions. So it's very natural for people to see their spouse as the problem and they're waiting for the spouse to change,

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right? And what we need to do is take responsibility and change our self one of my favorite verses of the Quran, which says in Allah Hala yoga, Yiruma Butoh man Hatha Yoga Yiruma be for say him, Allah will not change the condition of the people until they change themselves. So instead of playing chicken with your spouse, seeing who's going to change first, you take the responsibility. There are five things that I'm going to tell you and encourage you to change very easily. Okay, number one, you need to change yourself, talk about your spouse, if all

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All day long, you are trash talking your spouse, or you're bashing, you're doing husband bashing, wife bashing, and you are consistently focusing on all the things that are annoying about them all the things you dislike about them. As soon as you see them, you're going to explode. Right? So you need to be aware of what you're saying to yourself. Now, when we do cognitive behavioral counseling, the focus is all on the thoughts, it all starts with a thought. And if you don't change that, you could be smiling, you could be putting on a good show. But if you don't change the way you think about your spouse, then you're not going to change or improve that relationship. We have in our

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brain called the reticular activating system, the RAS, and this is like a filtering device because we have billions of stimuli coming in. And this filters out what is important. I'll give you an example. Like when you buy a blue car, you suddenly see everyone having a blue car, right? So it gets you to focus on that, which is important. Now some people have their RAS said to my spouse is so annoying. Now what does it do? It filters out all the good things, it filters out the love, it filters out the helping, and all you see are those annoying behaviors. So what do we need to do? We need to set the reticular activating system on what is it that I love about my spouse? What is it

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that I appreciate about my spouse? And sometimes people get stuck? I've had couples come in and I say, you know, what do you love about your spouse? Sometimes the wife, you know, comes up with always like he's a good provider. He's this he's that. And I had one situation where I said, Brother, what? What do you what you love about your spouse, he was stuck, had nothing to say I'm like, he's gonna be in so much trouble. I was trying to help him. Brother, I'm sure you appreciate the kind of mother she is. He's like, no, like, I'm sure like the cooking something. But you know, because he has been so focused on all the negativity, he couldn't even come up with something

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positive to say. So that the first thing you change is what?

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Your self talk, okay? Second thing, you need to change the energy that you bring into the relationship. If you're always mad, if you're always sad and, and complaining and you're negative, your spouse is not going to want to spend time with you. Right? So it is you need to realize that your happiness is your responsibility. Okay? Sisters were notorious about wanting someone to come in, we want that prince to come in, sweep us off our feet, make us happy. Take the responsibility. Don't hand your happiness to anyone. No one should have that you take ownership of that. And you get yourself to a good place. And you make sure that you do whatever it takes to get yourself whatever

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it is that you need to show up to the marriage with happiness with calm with a sense of positivity, is it that you need more sleep? Is it that you need to eat? Do you need some exercise, maybe you need some me time, whatever it is, you need to get yourself to that place before you meet with your spouse. There are times after a 10 hour 10 hours of session. I stand there in the garage, and I have to shift gears. I don't want to bring all of the headaches and the and the sadness or anything to my family. I switch gears and I have to be in mommy mode and wife mode, right? So sometimes you have to just consciously make that decision. The third thing I want you to change is change the way you make

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your spouse feel.

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Change the way you make your spouse feel. How are you making them feel? You spend time with the people that make you feel good? Why are some men workaholics? Why are some men spending all their time at the masjid? I mean, it's a blessing and it's great. It's because that is where they are made to feel important. They are respected and they are valued. Why are some of the sisters spending all of this time volunteering? Why are they going and spending time with their girlfriends? Possibly because they make them feel good? So if you start appreciating your spouse, if you start giving the compliments if you start recognizing and showing affection, guess what? They will want to spend more

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time with you.

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So the next thing I asked you to change is change your approach. This harsh approach the criticizing

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approach, the nagging approach. None of that works. Okay, doesn't work. So you cannot keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. That's the definition of insanity. So try a different approach be more playful. Use a little humor. Not everything has to be so serious. Okay, we need to lighten up. And make sure that when you're being playful, when you're joking with your spouse, you're not making fun of your spouse. Right? Because sometimes some some brothers will tell me Oh, I would just you know, just having fun. Yeah, but it was sarcasm, right? Being funny means both of you should be laughing. So if you're laughing, and your spouse is in tears, that's not being funny,

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right? So we need to see what can we do to lighten up the mood. And the last thing I asked you to change is change your focus right? Many times, we are so driven by what is happening right here. And right now, I want you to elevate yourself and think with this mindset, that you live and love with the higher purpose. You live in love with a higher purpose because there will be times that your spouse will be getting on your nerves. There will be times when your spouse will make you furious. If you have been married long enough, you will see that, you know, when I give talks at marriage as they look at each other, they're like no way not you right? But it does happen. And in those

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moments, you need to rely on that living and loving for a higher purpose. You do it for Allah sake. And I always put this disclaimer that when if you are in an abusive relationship or if the relationship is toxic, make sure you get professional help. And being patient does not mean staying in an abusive marriage. Okay? But try your best to see your spouse as a way of earning Jana and sha Allah, may Allah help all of us to be our best so that we can bring out the best in our spouse, and may we be able to really cultivate a home that is peaceful and loving because that is the home where righteous children will be raised and they will be emotionally healthy, they will have mental health

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that is stable, and they will thrive in sha Allah is like Allah Hara

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Xochimilco for all of our speakers. Just a note on logistics, technical issues starting earlier today by 830. But we already announced that because of our seminar will be delaying it a little bit so maybe 510 minutes delay Shala. So we'll be praying Aisha maximum 848 45 inshallah today. So with that, Mustafa, can you ask us our questions and the way I wanted to do this as the whoever wants to take, you know, volunteer to answer the question inshallah. They'll be more than happy if somebody wants to add something after the first one. No problem. Michelle is over Smilla

00:33:03--> 00:33:08

audio can you give me your mic? You can get back to him chill, okay. All right. So on.

00:33:09--> 00:33:16

So we have so far 29 questions. So I'm just gonna pick at random not random a little bit calculated but

00:33:17--> 00:33:25

yeah, let's get started. So the first question that I see here is, I do not want to have children for various reasons. Why will I be sinning if I don't?

00:33:29--> 00:33:31

Okay, I guess I'll volunteer for that one.

00:33:34--> 00:34:16

While so Allah azza wa jal reminds us in the Quran that Allah manual by noon Xenos will hire to dunya children and wealth are what makes life adornments beautification, and Allah subhanho wa Taala mentions of his greatest blessings, which ended up combining our heifer that he gave you children and grandchildren. And all of us who are parents and grandparents know the blessings that come with children and grandchildren and distress as well. But in sha Allah, all of it is worth it a million times over all of that having been said, all of these blessings, including wealth, it's not obligatory, to have to earn money. As long as you are not doing the haram. It's not obligatory, to

00:34:16--> 00:34:54

get married, much less to have children. So if you decide for whatever reason to not have children, number of points first and foremost, do not make this something of theology. Do not say that religiously. It is better to not to have children do not say that Allah wants us to not have children. It's a personal choice. And you are free to make your personal choices within the purview of the Shetty app. It is your decision. It's like, you know a person who's a vegetarian as they keep on saying, Yeah, and you miss out on your meat that's on you. I mean, no, I can't imagine dinner without meat. Okay, if you want to give up meat on the dinner table, then consider a dinner then

00:34:54--> 00:34:59

it's hella no problem Mashallah. But don't bring religion and say Allah wants us to be vegetarian.

00:35:00--> 00:35:40

Okay, no, you can be vegetarian, don't bring in religion into this, keep it neutral. Same goes for having children. So you don't have to make this have children, but you cannot bring religion. But the number two, the second point is that if this is something you have decided, you know, it's not my position to persuade you otherwise, you know, do talk to family and friends to talk to other people. But if you have made this decision, then you need to make sure that your spouse or your potential spouse is aware and willing to cater to this, because it is not fair on you. In fact, it is a type of deceit on you to get married, and you have made this decision, and you will then

00:35:40--> 00:36:15

enforce it on your marriage partner whom you have not told about this decision. No, not at all. This is something that is a type of piano, a type of leash, a type of treachery, betrayal of the marriage contract, in many ways. And in fact, in a sugary court of law, even in a modern court of law, actually, I think, I'm pretty sure if you were to go to the judge, the Sharia court would say that you made a mistake. And because of this mistake, you will have to pay the penalty, you know, the Mahad is going to go back, although the so you're going to have to pay the penalty for concealing something that you should have told now, if you're dead serious about this, you need to make sure

00:36:15--> 00:36:38

that your spouse, you marry somebody who has made the same decision, so that you're both on the same wavelength. And that having been said, be open to change your position as well. You never know, maybe you'll feel this way at this age of your life. And maybe when you're 40 years old, you might change your mind as well. So be open for this regard. Well, Allahu Taala them Do you do any of you want to add anything to that? No. Okay, I'm just gonna go on to the next one.

00:36:43--> 00:36:53

The next question is, my parents have been trying to pressure me to look at rich those, but I want to try to find someone on my own. They were not happy with this, but how do I get them to give me a chance first?

00:37:01--> 00:37:13

I'll start so my, my thesis in graduate school 10 plus years ago was actually unmade selection criteria. It was comparing two different generations, right? How the younger generation

00:37:14--> 00:37:51

is different from the older generation, how they look for a spouse, what they look for, and so on. So the dominant model, I think, still to this day, of how practicing Quran practicing Muslims get married, is something that was known as a joint venture, arranged marriage. And the literature calls it a joint venture, arranged marriage. And what that basically means is that you go to your loved ones, you go to your friends, and you say, Listen, this is what I'm looking for. This is my criteria. This is what I want, right? You can go look for yourself, you can go ask your parents. And now if your parents bring you someone who's not of your criteria, you can say no, right? Allah azza

00:37:51--> 00:38:13

wa jal picks your family for you, right? But you choose your spouse. And you're of course the scholar is decreed. But you, you have a choice in your spouse, and you have a choice and your friend. So I say be picky. Have a solid criteria. Be honest with yourself, kind of like what we spoke about in the previous session. But you can tell your friends, you can tell your family, you can tell your friends, look, this is what I'm looking for. And you can look yourself, I think that's a fair compromise.

00:38:15--> 00:38:16

And you want to add something.

00:38:18--> 00:38:19

Okay, hold on

00:38:20--> 00:38:22

the mic. Sorry.

00:38:26--> 00:38:44

Okay, so the next question is, how can a young person trying to get married, maintain a level of sober and forbearance in the process, especially once something has been initiated? We don't want to be overzealous, but what? But is that balance? Is that balance between being proactive slash productive, and moving too fast?

00:38:46--> 00:39:00

That's a vague question. Would it mean, are you talking about I'm assuming the question is, the conversation has begun, as at least seems to me, and they don't want to move too fast. Okay, so what's the proper pace of moving?

00:39:01--> 00:39:03

So I look

00:39:05--> 00:39:44

at the speed limit, I feel like it's a question of, you know, Tawakkol versus tawakol. Right. So the idea of Tawakkol, which we are commanded to have is reliance upon Allah while also tying our camel taking action doing our part to awaken is just sitting back and being like, okay, you know, Allah azza wa jal is gonna send me my mate, you know, and you just sit on the couch and eat Doritos all day long. Okay, so that we want to act upon our call, not our call. And so to act upon our call, I think in the situation that's being described here, right. Just like the brother Brother Osman was saying earlier, do your due diligence, right? Know yourself and we talked a little bit about this in

00:39:44--> 00:39:59

the SR session, know yourself rather than focusing so much unknowing someone else because the more you know yourself, the more you're going to know your boundaries, your lines, your limitations, and what you're seeking in someone else. And you're going to be able to recognize that

00:40:00--> 00:40:43

When that approaches you, in terms of length of time, I think there's so many different scenarios and iterations of it. It's a very personal journey. I wouldn't advocate for like the quote unquote Halal dating scene where you're in a relationship with someone with the intention for marriage, for a couple of years, or you know, you're going out consistently, I think there has to be a function to the meeting, we often talk about using the three P's in terms of engagement with the opposite gender, particularly for marriage. And the three P's are making sure the interaction is public, its professional, and it's purposeful, fulfill those three P's, when you're interacting, have a clear

00:40:43--> 00:41:19

head that have a clear goal that you're working towards, be clear with your family about what's happening, know yourself. And then this is just a little plug, go for compatibility counseling, okay, if you are close to kind of sealing the deal, you feel like this might be the person seek out compatibility counselor, or counseling, work with a counselor who can look at your value dimensions, your backgrounds, your trauma wounds that you may be carrying from childhood and work through that with you. So I don't want to give just the time limit, I would say it differs, but just use the three P's and make sure that you're going about this with the right intention. And having that

00:41:19--> 00:42:00

though awkward. Something I'd like to add to this is that don't feel pressured. If you're getting pressured from one side or the other, I would, I would just take my time because I find so many people get in a situation where they're pressured to get married from one side, and they may not be mentally or emotionally ready. So take your time and that make sure that you in your heart in your gut, you are doing it and doing it for the right reason. Sometimes people get married as an escape. Some people just think that you know, they want they love the idea of being married. And so you really have to focus on the person not just on the act of getting married, and don't be embarrassed

00:42:00--> 00:42:18

into getting married. I know that this sounds very unusual. But there are some people who will feel like they don't want to disappoint someone, they don't want to hurt someone by getting out of it. If you feel like this is not the right person, then don't be embarrassed into it. This is very important.

00:42:22--> 00:42:53

All right. The next question is about, you know, balance in life. So this person is basically saying that after working his regular job, so 5pm He says that, you know, he's giving enough time to his wife and kids, but he wants to go for a Hangout with his friends, like late night, you know, like before 1am. So in this situation, he's saying his wife gets mad. And once or twice a week, you know, his wife gets mad and wants him to go, go early and come back early. But you know, he says that, you know, if I can't, if I

00:42:55--> 00:43:01

I said, I don't get enough time to spend spend with my kids after work. If I hang out early, what do you suggest I do?

00:43:04--> 00:43:08

I think I can, can I take this? Did you want to say

00:43:10--> 00:43:56

so it's really critical to look at each relationship as like an emotional bank account, and make deposits. And you may not be able to fill the deposit every day for every person, but over the week, make sure that you're giving enough to that person. Now an analogy I use with an makes it very clear for a lot of men is that imagine your wife makes your favorite food? What is that? Maybe biryani? Maybe it's what on up right? And you're hungry, you're starving, but instead of giving you the meal, she distributes that to the friends and neighbors, how are you going to feel you're gonna be quite frustrated, right? But if she gives you the meal and you eat to your heart's content, and then she

00:43:56--> 00:44:36

distributes the rest of you will be totally fine with that. Correct. So it's really important that with your spouse, you make sure that you fill her cup, right, I think most women will not have a problem with you having hobbies, time with your friends, if they're if they're secure, and they're working on themselves, they would like for you to have those healthy outlets. The problem comes when they're overlooked. So they feel like their cup is completely empty. You haven't made any emotional deposits. And then you want to go hang out with the guys, right. So just make sure that you prioritize your spouse and then balance it.

00:44:37--> 00:44:52

You know, I love that I think it's very reminiscent of the advice of Rasulullah sallallahu ala sending them, the best of you is the best to your family. So giving the best of us to our family, right rather than how we so often give the best of us to everyone else. So

00:44:54--> 00:45:00

I would just add one more small point to that. There's only so many hours in the day, right so

00:45:00--> 00:45:27

focus on quality over quantity, right half an hour with your spouse with this device put away. And you actually being attentive, right, actually asking genuine questions, as Jeff was saying, is worth more than maybe three, four hours going out, taking her out to dinner, while you're half on your phone, you're talking about work, you're talking about how the kids are, right? Quality over quantity. And hopefully, you'll be able to find that balance and insha Allah.

00:45:30--> 00:45:41

All right. The next question is, I don't know how to talk to the opposite gender, I get awkward sometimes. How can I fix this? And if the answer is improved confidence, how can I do that?

00:45:44--> 00:46:30

Let me just say, Alhamdulillah for a change, what a nice problem to have. And Hamdulillah we have the opposite problem in the teenagers. So it's nice to find somebody old school. But anyway, who wants to take that question? Man, okay, you know, building your self confidence and your self esteem is so critical before you get into a relationship and it is innocent and, and nice that someone is feeling awkward around the opposite gender, however, it is so critical to feel good internally about what Allah has given you, and building your self worth. Because there's always this feeling of being hesitant to raise your self esteem as if that's going to make you the opposite of humble, right. So

00:46:30--> 00:46:52

you want to be able to have self esteem without the arrogance. And when you feel good about what you have to offer, you feel good about the qualities, the traits that you have, then you will be able to have more confidence to interact with anyone, not just the opposite gender. So as far as interacting with the opposite gender, I'll pass it on to you.

00:46:54--> 00:47:31

Well, I would just say embrace the awkwardness, you know, part of self confidence is also knowing that maybe, you know, again, we look at images here we grow up in communities where we from a very young age isolate, you know, the females and the males, and then it's time for marriage, and we're like, okay, go like, you know, make it work, right. And then within the marriage dynamic, even so, I would say first of all, you're recognizing and you have enough self awareness to realize that you're struggling a little bit in terms of how you communicate, ask yourself, is it only with the opposite gender? Or was it is it with others because it sounds to me like this may be a communication issue

00:47:31--> 00:48:08

that is not just with the opposite gender, but maybe just in unfamiliar situations that because it's not familiar to you to connect with the opposite gender, because you haven't done it for you know, growing up. So maybe it's not just about the male female dynamic, but it's that communicating in unfamiliar situations. So I would say first of all, embrace the awkwardness understand that it's there, recognize that you know, it exists. Find how to work your way through unfamiliar situations when it's not the opposite gender, so get comfortable with putting yourself in spaces in places where you're communicating maybe with others that you're not so familiar with follicles that you

00:48:08--> 00:48:48

don't normally go to do routes that you don't normally go to gatherings, you're going to get more familiar with the unfamiliar or more comfortable with the unfamiliar and that's gonna gravitate towards communicating with others as well. I'm gonna add a little bit of old school Agnes here Inshallah, if it's just awkward, this with the opposite gender. So as Dr. Susan was pointed out, if you have awkwardness, communicating, that's another issue. If you have awkwardness only with the opposite gender, frankly, there's an element of that that is Islamic and good and healthy, brutally honest. There's an element of that that's actually good, old school healthy Islamic values enough

00:48:48--> 00:49:31

enough. And I would hope that at some level, we maintain a little bit of extra modesty with the opposite gender, that is a part of our flap, and if it is done within the realm of our Islamic cloth, this is actually praiseworthy. And so if you are speaking to a potential spouse, and you find out that this potential spouse of yours is not the best at communicating overall with the opposite gender, frankly, this is actually very good sign. You don't want anything again all school here I hope I'm not wandering into too deep territory, but this is the way I feel love was done. If they're awkward with the opposite gender eventually there'll be fine with you but they'll still be awkward

00:49:31--> 00:49:59

the opposite gender that's actually at a certain level healthy. Now obviously if it gets to the point of they cannot communicate effectively then yeah, that's another issue. But just a little bit of any Allah inches in the Quran, the wife of Musa she was awkward with the opposite gender right for her to Erica Houma time she either stay here or in a bedroom. Druker right. One of them came she was really bashful and shy, she didn't know how to begin the conversation. And that characteristic in her was what attracted Musa to

00:50:00--> 00:50:40

or and eventually became his wife. So a certain amount if it's with the rights like little bit of salt inshallah perfect amount is actually very, very good. I understand too much is debilitating and definitely not having it whatsoever. I mean, I'm old school but I don't think that's also healthy will allow I don't hope I didn't get too controversial No, no you're good man I think obviously like any extreme is bad right? And that one extreme of being overly confident and just having no boundaries having no higher will get you into a ton more trouble than having too much higher right? I would say this kind of points to the responsibility on our community, especially for the for the

00:50:40--> 00:51:21

young man, right? Are we as parents? Are we teaching our young boys how to respectfully talk to the opposite gender? Right? A lot of times we sheltered them to the point that when they go off to college, they lose their minds, you know? So I think this is also an important component, how do you speak to someone of the opposite gender with respect. Without all this, I think this needs to be taught. It's not just a personality thing. Although, if I could add just to to the brother who is really struggling, or anyone who struggles with that, it all has to do with what's going on in your head as you're having that conversation. A lot of times people are very self conscious. And they're

00:51:21--> 00:51:48

thinking about oh my god, what are they thinking of me? What are they saying? What did they do they like me, do they not like me, so you need to not be in your head, be more present, be more mindful. Because if you are trying to find a spouse, it is critical to be able to express yourself in a in a coherent way. So don't be so self conscious. And the self talk needs to build yourself up, not crush yourself. Okay.

00:51:50--> 00:52:01

All right. And just for those who are asking, say hello is going to be a little bit delayed for today's program until what time is it? Yeah. 845 845 inshallah.

00:52:02--> 00:52:12

All right, so the next question is other than Dean, what aspects should it be compromised on when looking for a spouse and during marriage? What should you expect to compromise on?

00:52:13--> 00:52:58

Was a deep question. Other than Dean, what should not be compromised on? I'll just say one thing, I'll leave the rest to everybody else. And the second thing that you cannot compromise on his o'clock, manners. This is something that is super important. You cannot have either husband or spouse or wife that is arrogant, contemptuous foul mouthed. A Haluk, humility, good manners, that something that is the recipe of not just a marriage success, human being a good human being. So the two things that for sure, cannot be compromised on good health and good Dean, I'm sure there's others, we cannot judge others who wants to take. So I would just say, you know, everyone's line is

00:52:58--> 00:53:35

different. You know what one person feels you know, there's wiggle room in someone else may feel that there is no wiggle room. So maybe for one person. Maybe there's a person who will not compromise on the joint family dynamic that when I marry, I must live with my parents. And there may be someone else who says, I won't compromise on that because when I get married, I do not want to live in a joint family dynamic. I want to live separately. That's you know, it's valid. There are two different points of view, right? As long as like we said, we're not compromising on Dean and I agree. a HELOC are important too, and part of a HELOC. I would also say Brooklyn, like you can tell

00:53:35--> 00:53:57

a lot about a person if they're stingy, yes. And oftentimes didn't didn't stinginess with wealth is often stinginess with emotion stinginess with kindness stinginess with compassion. So I would probably add stinginess, but I'd also say the list could be long and it's variable because everyone has different lines, know your line know what it is that you cannot compromise on.

00:54:01--> 00:54:02

Anyone else?

00:54:04--> 00:54:45

Okay, there's something that I make this very easy because sometimes you have like a scroll of 99 things you want to look for in a spouse and it gets really confusing. So I came up with like the three and three rule, three things you cannot live without. These are three things that if you don't have it in your life, you're just not going to be happy. It's not going to give you fulfillment you're not going to feel a sense of joy. And then three things you can't live with. So these are the three characteristics that if you saw it even in a brother or sister in a in the masjid you would want to run away from so when you boil it down to three things you want to you you can't live

00:54:45--> 00:54:49

without and three things you can't live with, it may make it a little bit easier.

00:54:52--> 00:55:00

Right, so just just to add on to that really quickly, you know, it is it is a matter of personal choice, right? Everybody's criteria is gonna be different also based on their situation based

00:55:00--> 00:55:01

To under particular

00:55:02--> 00:55:04

life circumstance, right?

00:55:05--> 00:55:38

I think along with the right criteria, one thing that I've seen a lot with both men and women, as they're going through the process is that they have their criteria. They're firm on their criteria. I want a sister who wears hijab, I want a brother who, you know, has certain mannerisms or outdoorsy or whatever it is, but then they're very quick to forget those once emotions get in the way. Right? The whole point of criteria, the whole point of these are my must haves, these are my can't haves is that you stick with them, they're your GPS, they help you navigate through what easily then can just become overtaken by emotions.

00:55:42--> 00:55:48

All right, and this question, this next question is about the situation of a lot of us, you know, being broke?

00:55:49--> 00:55:54

Because of my because of my income. Oh, sorry, I lost the question one second.

00:55:57--> 00:56:15

Essentially, it was that because of the income because of the person income, you know, he's not able to provide like luxury vacations and, you know, a lot of I guess, what some might consider like excessive, you know, commodities, and their wife critiques them on this. So what was your guy's advice for that person?

00:56:22--> 00:56:50

I'm not taking that one. So Subhanallah, you know, I mean, the first thought that came to my mind was the relationship between Ibrahim alayhis salam and ismail Ali Salam. And when he went to visit his wife, the wife of Ismail Ibrahim Ali Selma to visit the wife of Ismail Goddess that he wasn't home. And the wife complained. And she complained that she complained that she complained. And so Ibrahim Alistar

00:56:51--> 00:57:33

left him a message saying that he should change I believe it was the door yes to change. And this was because the wife that kept complaining critiquing was never really going to find contentment no matter what her husband did, most likely. And then when he married someone else, and Ibrahim Ali said and went to visit that home and the wife, you know, although there, they hardly had anything and the furniture was sparse, and there was nothing really, you know, there she was so grateful. And so he had told us my daddy said to keep you know, the this wife essentially. So yes, so I think that the critique itself is problematic. That's what what is happening in the marital relationship. If

00:57:33--> 00:58:13

the spouse is critiquing the you know, the wife is critiquing the husband because of, you know, a fluctuation in income. Because as Shockley so said, and Melwood by noon Xena to hire Titania, it's adornment, wealth and children. It's not ours, it doesn't belong to us. And as we can see in this recession, and as our stocks are dwindling, you know, halal stocks, right? We know that this can cause a lot of tension and a lot of stress. But it's it's not something that should dictate the well being of our marriages. So I would be concerned about what's going on in this relationship that would cause this critique to occur for the husband, you know, living within your means. I mean, this

00:58:13--> 00:58:48

is this one love that are sort of subtle, alojado Salem, and again, we know, you know, during the time of his marriage with Khadija Angela and her when she gave everything of herself and of her wealth, you know, to support that as well. SallAllahu wasallam, in his journey of la ilaha, Illa Allah and teaching that to everyone, we know that she went from having riches to having nothing, and yet it was one of the most beautiful marriages, I think, in the history of marriages. So I be concerned, I would say, I know you might not be able to afford it right now. But try to get counseling, try to see what's going on in the marriage dynamic. Because there seems like there's

00:58:48--> 00:58:49

something more there.

00:58:50--> 00:59:37

You know, following up on what you're saying, as far as the criticism, there is a ratio, what do you think is the ratio of positive remarks to negative remarks, there should be a five to one ratio, so five positives to one negative. And so what I always say is that either be ready to dish out a lot of compliments if you're criticizing or stay quiet. So, this is this is very critical for us. Now, as far as the brother who cannot, doesn't have the means, I would say make sure you are tending to her emotionally because sometimes women when they are not tended to and I have clients who will express that if they feel like they are not tended to emotionally and they are not given the

00:59:37--> 00:59:59

attention that they require. They look to material possessions to fill the void. So make sure that you're doing your part in fulfilling her emotionally and see if that doesn't make the situation a bit better because when there is a loving relationship, then like Dr. Susie, mashallah beautifully said about the exam.

01:00:00--> 01:00:17

Both of these are the allawah and Ha, there's so many present day examples of people being able to go through the ups and downs of life and really be there and be supportive to their spouse because they are getting the love and the attention that they are craving.

01:00:19--> 01:00:31

For those that came later, shallow, just five more minutes, and we'll have Solon shoulders. All right, the next question and this is kind of relevant with Islam being the fastest growing religion, it's what advice will you give to someone that's planning to marry a revert?

01:00:41--> 01:00:44

I can come to the risk, please. Thank you.

01:00:47--> 01:01:30

Well, one of the things that I would say, you know, with the river, obviously, we need to support the river community, it's so critical for us to embrace them and have them be a part of our communities, that what happens is that when someone embraces Islam, it can go one of two ways, right, they can either become very, very rigid and very extreme in their religion, or they can become somewhat relaxed in it. So we need to find that, you know, until they find the middle ground, sometimes it takes a few years, until a person finds their place in the religion. And so I think giving it that time for them to find their identity and find what they I mean, it takes us sometimes

01:01:30--> 01:01:51

years, sometimes decades to find out where we fall Islamically. So I would just say make sure that the person has been practicing Islam for some time, and they are comfortable within their Deen, because you may marry them as maybe a liberal and then they may become much more religious or the other way around. So that's my advice.

01:01:56--> 01:02:03

But I would also add, you know, make sure that you're not the only source of Islam for that person, so that they're connected with the community, they have good environment, they have good

01:02:04--> 01:02:05

friends who are also teaching them the

01:02:06--> 01:02:11

good. And, you know, to add on to that, it's I think it's

01:02:13--> 01:02:35

as far as, especially when it's the sister teaching the brother, I think that's very critical for the brother to have a source other than his wife and learning, because I think a woman really wants to look at her husband as someone that she can look up to and learn. And that can change the dynamics if you are the only source of educating your spouse.

01:02:38--> 01:02:40

Now everyone's favorite topic in laws.

01:02:42--> 01:02:56

How do we so there's two questions and they're, you know, they kind of go together pretty well. So how do we deal with the cultural differences within in laws? And then how do we balance in laws and spouse relationships? Does our spouse have any duties towards their in laws?

01:02:57--> 01:03:07

So I'll begin with a little bit of film and then move on to the cultural and the social Israel. Last question that Michelle Okay, time is up and when a nice way to end on inlaws, Mashallah.

01:03:10--> 01:03:15

Pun not intended, we don't want to end on anyway, um, Subhan Allah,

01:03:16--> 01:03:32

one of the biggest sources of marital conflict, regardless of whether you live within laws or not, is the influence of the in laws. And this is a cliched stereotype. But there's a reason why it is cliched.

01:03:34--> 01:04:17

When those of you that are single get married, you will see for yourself that you will have to balance between your mother and your wife, or if you're a sister, you're gonna have to balance between, you know, your husband and your mother and father or your family. And things are going to happen statements are going to be said, conflicts are going to arise, inevitable. And each time a conflict arises. Each time there's a scheduling issue, you're gonna have to make a decision that's going to hurt one of the two parties insights. So there has to be a level of pragmatism in the sense that marital conflict is inevitable. Therefore, in law, conflict at some level is also inevitable.

01:04:17--> 01:04:30

There's going to be a portion of it, that's the standard default. The issue now comes how do you resolve it? Well, there is no mathematical equation, there is no 50 ruling I can give you because

01:04:31--> 01:04:59

in Islamic fix, technically, obviously, each party is not bound to serve the inlaws. But at the same time, if both husband and wife were to say to each other, I have nothing to do with your family. How long will such a marriage last? So we have to move technicalities aside and think a little bit about the pragmatic realities. These two people have had lives before they got married. They love people immensely before they met each other. They have

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Your biological parents may be in the in the picture, whom they will always love in a special manner. Now they have added another love. And they you cannot expect, obviously, your partner to stop that love. Well, how do you think they would feel when the person they love so much is saying I have nothing to do with your parents with your this with your that there is no equation I can give you, it's just generic advice that you're going to have to communicate and compromise, you're going to have to negotiate each major event each, you know, upcoming, you know, maybe your parents want you for an issue, maybe this and that, when it comes to in particular sons. And I say this because

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there is a filthy element here, sons in particular do have a higher obligation to serve their parents, even though it's not as if women don't have the same obligation. But financially speaking, a son is required to take care of the mother and father if they have no other mechanism. Whereas generally speaking, the daughter is not required to generally speaking so financially, you're going to have to if your parents need you, you're gonna have to balance it's not an either or, and you're going to have to try your best that each party, your mother and your wife, do not feel that you have blatantly taken sides against the other, they're gonna, you're gonna have to negotiate. And,

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frankly, you're gonna have to really be you know, the party that navigates both relationships simultaneously. You cannot choose between your mother and your wife, they are both part of your lives. The one is your biological mother, the other is the mother of your children. You can't just discard the one for the sake of the other. But at the same time, there's no doubt there's a level of wrong and subservience that your mother has agreed. But that doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect your wife. No, that doesn't mean that it means that okay, outwardly, yes, there's a level of respect that is due to the parents, yes. But that doesn't mean that your wife should be made to

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feel neglected, that does not mean that your wife should be made to feel she is second. No, you have to treat her as if she's first. And you have to realize that gender is under the feet of your mother. The both are not mutually exclusive. It's a very difficult, sometimes it's not 100%, you know, achievable. But even if it's at 90%, achievable, that's a very good thing to be able to do. So it's not it's not easy, but it is a part of life. And I'll also tell you another thing, if you have, you know, your mother, and your wife in your life at the same time, thank Allah because there are so many people, they don't have their parents in their lives, thank Allah, at least you have a problem

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and the trouble that so many other people would be begging Allah to be in. At least you have your parents with you, and hamdulillah so look at the bright side that there is an opportunity for you to learn to navigate this reality. And last point, lots of dua lots of there are lots of dua, Allah says in the Quran with regards to treating parents that if you desire good, if you want, you know, Allah says in the Quran about parents, Allah knows what is in your hearts. Allah knows what you tried to do. So if you wish to have goodness with your parents, then Allah azza wa jal will overlook the things that you don't live up to you can't be 100% Perfect, but as long as you're trying, you're

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trying you're trying, then inshallah The rest will be overlooked. I know, there's a lot to add. So whoever wants to go with this?

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This is the last I'll just add it really.

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You know, it's just, it always strikes me as interesting that anytime we mentioned in laws in a marriage talk, there's always a chuckle, there's always like an O or an eye rolling. And this goes across audiences, not just within the Muslim community, you know, even among, you know, non Muslims. It's like Monster in law rather than mother in law. And I'm going to actually go back to what Sister Heller said earlier, changing the mindset, changing the self talk, if we enter into our marriages, fearful of the in laws, we are likely to see problems. You know, in Egypt, we have a saying Ilya Huffman are free to do if you're afraid of a ghost, you're going to see one so if you are terrified

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pre marriage, because you've heard these stories, you've watched the movies about the in laws, you're going to go into your marriage already with that suit of armor on, don't leave those preconceived notions behind and enter into the marital relationship with you know, the one that you prefer and fear you know, truly hoping for the best and intending and in sha Allah, Allah azza wa jal will allow that to occur with clear boundaries and open communication between husband and wife about expectations and what you would like to happen with the parents. MashAllah beautiful advice. What I would add to this is that even if you are in a difficult relationship, really do your best

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Subhanallah there's a Persian proverb that says that with kindness vinegar will turn into honey and that you can melt iron so don't give up on that. I

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I know myself that I had a personal experience it was very hard for my family, my in laws to accept me because I was not Lebanese there was nothing I could do about it but I would just continue with the love and the respect and Subhanallah over over the years then this Alhamdulillah when their hearts mashallah Tabata, Anna, please say Michelle, let's have our call. Alright, just like JK, two more points. One is that never confront your in laws, have your spouse talk to their family, because they will take it from their son or daughter. But if you are approaching them, they will see you as like, you know, the daughter in law who is attacking them. So make sure that you keep that and then

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another thing for the brothers that and the sisters as well. But it's

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you have to stand up for your spouse. If someone disrespects your wife you need to defend her not get mad not get angry not start a fight, but you need to defend her What would you think of a man who watches a another man like beat his wife and he's just standing there watching? What would you think of a man like that you wouldn't have a high opinion of him. So it's very important that the person can feel emotionally beaten. Right and you need to stand up and make sure that you define the line both for the for your wife that there's a line that she shouldn't cross over and also for your mom that this is a line this is the woman I've married and there needs to be a respect and you need

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to do that as well if your family if they they disrespect your husband in some way you need to definitely stand up for them because this this is where a lot of issues occur.

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I'll just add one quick sentence right. The ability to navigate through in laws is relative to the strength of the couple seconds the ability to navigate through in laws relative to the strength of the couple strengthen your understanding strengthen your the heck by the way that you guys talk to each other, talk to your parents, and inshallah you'll be able to find a middle ground

01:12:23--> 01:12:23

either

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mee Ms. De hatin, doll Seanie

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doesn't show

01:12:36--> 01:12:38

me what to feed.

01:12:40--> 01:12:42

Sunday, what

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feels go, Ruby told me

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Janita Aza down

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me down