Channel: Yahya Ibrahim
said Mr. Lee Kum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah salam Allahu Allah He wanted early he was talking he was selling to Sleeman kathira Allahumma salli wa sallim wa barik ala Sayidina What have you been? I want to be you know, Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. It's a pleasure and hamdulillah we're continuing with a grill, the Imams session, Mashallah. And I know and I'm glad that there was a morning session or the after evening session for some of you depending where are you are in the world. And that some more further questions have come in and we try to consolidate them. So in the morning, you can go back to the morning session and
kind of look at the address that I had, I spoke about nine steps to issuing a good apology, how to apologize and how to speak about a mistake that you have done to others. And then a follow up question came? And it's a very simple question, but it's a question that all of us kind of need an answer for. And I'm hopeful in shot love that this time that we spend together 2030 minutes that we spent together, could be of great benefit. Now of course, the sessions that we're having now this grill, the Imam is part of Yahoo, Brahim comm forward slash school or forward slash puberty, it's part of Muslims guide to puberty, and then Muslims guide to puberty. And I pray that Allah subhanho
wa Taala makes it a source of higher and blessing for all those who have taken part along them. I mean, I've also released this live on my social media, so it's on my Facebook and YouTube page. If you're watching, they're in chat, let us know where you're watching in from, and that you're welcome to kind of send in questions. If there's anything, you know, spicy or special. I'll try to give it a little bit of time, if not today into the future sessions in sha Allah. So the aim, of course, is that we kind of come together and you know, these are contentious issues, contentious questions that we want to answer them there for the betterment of each and every one of us. We pray that Allah
subhana wa, tada makes it easy. So the question that has been put forward, and I'm just opening up my telegram service, you know, the questions come in, for those of you watching on my website, through our portal, our LMS, our learning management system, you can go and click on that Q and dash a, and you can send in your questions, it comes to me, I don't know who you are, in particular, like they can't see your name directly, unless I actually go in and kind of try to search for it. But it just gives you a little bit of entertainment, and then they met you and nobody else can access that data in sha Allah. So I wanted to be in the lab continue with that same theme. So today we spoke
earlier about how to apologize and effective way of apologizing. And now the follow up question. You know, it came almost while I was talking and immediately after, and it came from a couple of people, a few people actually, how do I solve problems with others. And you know, especially when you're younger, this is something that kind of is a really important social skill to learn. It's probably the number one
tool that you will need for the rest of your life, how to solve a problem, you know, I'm not getting along with my brother or a sister. I'm not getting along with my parents. My best friend is upset with me. I'm starting work at a new place. And I'm just not fitting in you know, the problems have arisen. How do I solve problems? How do I solve problems with others in some kind of love that has always been the job of the prophets of Allah.
Allah subhanaw taala tells us that slightly highly his Salaam, he would say in odd sledgehammers, tatata only I'm trying to help people to become better as much as I can. I want to solve whatever problem comes between me and others are a benefit to have been in a webinar for me that will help you know one of the Do I have the haoran Oh Allah make an opening and a separation in goodness and upon truth between us and those who are with us in our households and our families, in our communities in those who we interact with from our people. So let's speak about effectively solving problems.
There's different rules and there's different methods. Sociologists speak about certain things, psychologists, Muslim scholars speak about it. But I thought I kind of bring it all together. And I thought I'd just talk about eight steps that that help you in whatever problem that you're in, that relates to other people, or in fact, any problem that you face really. So the first and most important step is to understand to define to identify, to label to put your finger on what actually is the
problem, what exactly is going on? You know, what is? How do you say? How do you describe the problem? in as few words as not even? Not even sentences? Just a sentence? How do you see the problem? And how do you define it? How do you identify it? What is the problem? So being very clear about what you're trying to solve, becomes a really important thing. So just say, you know, in a, in a household context, somebody had a fight with their, you know, brother or sister. And you say, Okay, so what's the problem? What is the problem that they had a fight? Not really, because that's what you know, siblings do. It's very normal behavior that there will be sobering rivalry, there's
going to be, you know, tension. That's not actually the problem. What is the problem? Oh, he took something from me Hold on a second, let's go back a little bit. Did they take it because they needed it? Did they take it to upset you? Did they take it because they were trying to be vindictive? what actually is the problem? What's bothered you the most about what they took from you? Alright, so I didn't define exactly in as few words and getting to the core of it becomes really important. Number two, is to set a goal to set what is the goal of this conversation? What is what is the goal? What is the way to solve the problem? What is it that is the outcome that I want at the end? So my
brother and I were upset? Is it that we want to be best friends again? Or is is it that I want him to return back what he took from me? Or is it that he owes me an apology? Or is it Don't ever do that to me again, or you know, what, what exactly? What's the aim? What's the goal? What's the resolution? Number three, is to begin kind of thinking about possible solutions within yourself
that you would be happy with, because sometimes, we don't even know what we want, actually. And we don't know what what it is that people need to offer us, for us to feel good. Is it a mixture of getting something physically done? And words of encouragement? You know, what exactly are the solutions that we're looking for? And what what brainstorming Can we come up with in our within ourselves, to try to find what is the easiest way to do it?
Another important step is to eliminate what we don't want. And to make sure that, that that's clear within ourselves, I'm not going to accept that I'm not just going to accept that they say they're sorry, and not give me back what they took, I'm not going to accept that they say sorry, but not pay me back for the damage cost, right? So what are the things that are not going to be accepted? As a part of the problem solving? What are the things that are not going to be expected if you make the mistake, but you're not willing to do these other things that they may be asking that you don't feel that are necessary? Listen, I know I broke something, I'm willing to apologize, and I'm willing to
pay to fix it. But I'm not going to do it in public. I'm not going to shame myself in this way. You know, what are the things that become really important for you to kind of see as a poor option so that you can immediately eliminate it.
Number five, is kind of think about future consequences. All right, if I don't solve this problem, now, what's going to happen a week now a month from now maybe even a year net? Will I lose this friend? Will they ever be the same with me, right? So what are you know, kind of think about? What are the consequences? And where do you think things will go. And part of my training as a mediator, when I sit between two people is not to problem solve for them. My main role is to have two aggrieved parties to people who are not happy with each other, to be able to hear each other and sometimes the best way to hear it is that I repeat what one said about a circumstance so that the
other can hear it, maybe for the first time because they don't even want to hear it from them. So it might be better to hear it from me.
So exam and one of one of the questions that I always ask is, so if we don't solve this, where do you think things will go? How do you think things may escalate? Do you do you see that this will be resolved on its own? Do you have hope that there may be another process that can be taken to assist you in this right? Where did where things gonna go if this isn't solved? Another really important aspect is to kind of put solutions into immediate practice when they become a reality and are agreed upon. So you said okay, you're going to return it okay? Then return it. It's not tomorrow, or give me some time. You know, you made you made a mistake. These are things that are
Going to fix it, this is how we're going to move forward with that. And those become really powerful ways for us to kind of bridge gaps between us now, when we're talking about mistakes that we have, and how to fix problems that we have with other people, it becomes really important to add a few really important point. So one of the things that all of us, myself included, are very poor at is paying attention to our own emotion, our own feelings, and how they influence us, and how we project them towards others. Most of us, we pay a great deal of attention to how other people display their emotions, oh, she's so upset. Oh, he's really angry, right? He's furious. Yeah, we, we sense others
very, very well. But not many of us are very intuitive in how we're feeling, and more importantly, how that feeling is causing us to be seen by others. So just like when you look across, and you see that person who's teary eyed and say, Oh, my God, you know, they're really, they're so angry, they're, they're moved to just, you know, tears, and they're, they're just so visibly upset. So you immediately kind of take cues from that. Number two, is not just to pay attention to our emotions, and how they influence us. But to decide which of these emotions are going to help, and which of these emotions are going to hinder or hold us back from resolving this conflict from solving this
problem, and to panela, perhaps you could be really, really angry, really, really upset or disappointed.
But that emotion is not what is needed and necessary. In that moment for you to solve that problem, perhaps you need to hold on to that emotion and display something else. And in hopes of solving that conflict. Another one really important. consideration is Time, time does heal. And you can just add the heat of the moment after something has just happened that you want to solve the problem. Now, this is one of the mistakes I think a lot of parents make with their children, where they almost want it immediately.
That resolution has to be arrived, that something has to be done that the apology and everything, you know, everything has to be corrected very quickly. And it takes time for somebody to prepare to apologize for somebody to be prepared to take responsibility for somebody to learn how to recover from that mistake.
I like to speak about l r II which is listen, reflect and enquire. So listen, let people speak. Let people feel that they're being heard. Listen to what other people actively listen, you know, pay attention. Number two, before you speak before you ask questions reflect Think about it, you know, how did this thing make them feel? How do how do they feel about this problem? Not just how do I feel? Or how do I view the problem, right? And number three is enquire follow up. No problem is solved by one side speaking and the other listening. And that's it. There has to be speaking, listening and rebuttal, until you come to a place of acceptance between the both of you, in that
everybody has interests and everybody's interests need to be heard, and hopefully met, everybody wants something. Nobody's angry for no reason. Nobody was nobody's, you know,
being mean for no reason everybody's got interest. So when you're able to identify what is the main interest that the person wants, and trying to work towards a non confrontational way of meeting those interests, or some of those interests, that becomes the first step to actually truly completely coming to a place of power, problem solving, and finding a resolution to some of the issues that we face.
What are the things that you need to avoid? Of course, ironically, avoidance is not having a conversation or just sitting there quiet and letting the other person speak and not engaging and just avoiding the difficult conversation. Number two is indirect communication, speaking about a problem with those who can't help it or change it, speaking about problem and causing cause gossip and slander to occur. Speaking about a problem
To those who don't have an interest in it just to vent none of that will be of assistance and number three bartering you know trying to you know, I'll give you this if you give me that you know you did that to me before so you should be able to forgive me for this now you're I forgave you before you Why aren't you forgiving me now those kinds of things are mature and are not going to help you move forward in life, emotional reactions, where it's just emotion rather than thought, and listening and reflecting and inquiring it's just a mass of emotion that will be of no help to anyone. And fine finally of the things that we need to be really careful with is self righteousness where I'm above
that I'm above making that mistake I wouldn't I don't know why you feel that way because that's not how I am that's not how I do things. And Subhanallah sometimes there's a lot of people who don't think of themselves in that way who are in you know really
um, you know, unacceptable actions and places in the in their conduct themselves. So don't have self righteousness. Allah tells us whether to Zakat and foster come don't claim yourself to be so pure. It is only Allah Subhana Allah Allahu Allah will be many Taka May Allah subhana wa tie that make us of those who are conscious of our dealings who are aware of our mistakes who are open to problem solving and seeking resolutions when others fail at them. And that Allah subhanho wa Taala makes my life in your life blessed and full of joy and happiness, Aloma I mean, I wish you all great success subhanak Obama vmdk shadow Eli and stuff that are quite doable equals Solomonic murottal law.