Thinking The Best of Others with Haleh Banani

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Salam Alaikum and welcome to a mindful Ramadan. No, it is so critical for us to have the right perspective and have the best view of others because when we don't, not only are we harming other people but we're also harming ourselves it is critical for us to see the best and others and emulate the Prophet sallallahu alayhi salam in his dealings and when in his interactions with others. So today we're going to talk about the benefits the psychological benefits and the spiritual benefits of thinking the best of others inshallah and today I have a special guest we have Sarah Sultan with us Masha Allah Salam, aleikum. radico salam when I have to love so happy to be here just like love

you for having me. Of course it's a pleasure to have you and you know, many people may not know that we have been family friends mashallah that your mother in law is Dr. Hannah Gama, who has been a dear friend from I think almost 20 years Mashallah. So this is a long going family friendly, mashallah that we've had on how the land has and it's a privilege Yeah, it's always so, so nice. Whenever I talk to my mother in law, and we talk about you it's always such positive memories that she brings up mashallah, so that's wonderful. She's been and she has been instrumental in in I always say that, so much of what I do is on her Meezan, because she's the one who said, You need to

teach you need to do this work. So may Allah bless her. Michelle.

Michelle, I want to share some of the your background, you're doing wonderful work, and I'm so proud of all that you're doing. And Sarasota is a licensed professional counselor who strives to empower her clients through achieving healthier, more fulfilling lives and relationships. While reconnecting with Allah during the healing process. I love that Sarah has a master's degree in mental health counseling and his practice therapy for nearly 10 years. Her specialization include the intersection of Islamic values with psychological and therapeutic principles, the impact of trauma on faith, identity development and techniques to provide strength and healing to marriages and families. She

has been actively involved in serving the Muslim community over the course of the past 15 years through providing lectures, helicopters and workshops mashallah so lovely. I love seeing how you get active in the community and all that you're providing we need we need more individuals like yourself, Mashallah. Just like LA Fado, you've, you've definitely been an inspiration and a mentor for me through through so much of that. So it's, it's, it's much appreciated, and I pray that a lot of it is on your music as well. That's so sweet. So it's like a lot and and, you know, we all support one another in different ways and can fire it. And it's, it's beautiful to acknowledge that

just like a lot here. So this idea of having a positive intent or positive outlook on other sellers, what is the benefits? What is the psychological benefits and the spiritual benefits of doing this? Well, you know, I think that thinking positively of others, a lot of times we think about this on behalf of the other person, right? We're attributing a positive intent to them, we're working toward forgiving them, and it's all about that person. But in reality hasn't been right or giving benefit of the doubt or thinking well of others. It's something that's for us, right? And I think that's so powerful. And if we can switch that mindset, then we realize how powerful it is. Right? Because it's

something so rewarded as sonically like there's a there's such a beautiful Hadith of the Prophet SLM, where he talks about, like, there's a man who enters the masjid and three times this man is entering the masjid and the Prophet SAW Selim says, A man from the dwellers of Paradise will walk in now and then the same person walks in three times. And when one of his companions heard that he's like, Okay, what makes this this guy so special, his and the companion who wanted to find out was Abdullah of Nam. And he follows him he stays with him for three days and he doesn't see anything super special like he does all of his obligatory acts of worship, but nothing is so special. And

then the end of the Hadith you find out that the special thing about him is that when he goes to sleep, he says, I don't hold any grudge against any Muslim or envy anyone for what bounties that Ellis patho has granted them and I love to beautiful quality. So he wasn't doing extra Zeca extra prayer extra any worship, but it was just the idea of being able to let go That's That's powerful. And I love what you said about the fact that it's about us, right? So many times people are

stuck because they've been hurt, they've been oppressed, or they've been betrayed in some way. And they feel that no, I'm not going to let this person off the hook, and they're holding all this resentment which actually harms them and actually is this It affects their mentality it affects their energy levels. So it is powerful to think about yourself in this process. Absolutely. And it also like, you know, it impacts your mental and psychological and emotional energy, but that also then impacts your spiritual energy right. And a lot of times we see that like hosting have been like think in others, like thinking well of others, can be connected to being able to think well of Allah

subhanaw taala, as well. And so I think if we make that our intention, that you know, there's this beautiful idea in the Quran, where Allah shines out or talks about one of the rewards of Jannah. And he says that one of the rewards of Jannah is that I will like and we will remove whatever is in their chests of resentment toward one another, so that they will be brothers on thrones facing each other. Oh, I did response because that's so beautiful, because the verse that says salam and Salama, they will be saying salah, that is what it feels to me about Jenna the most honestly, it's just this idea of wanting good for another person. I'm spreading that tea. So how beautiful is that? salutely?

Absolutely. SubhanAllah. And you know, like, when you think about this reward of Jana, it makes you realize just how exhausting it is when you don't have it here. Right? Like it, those negative thoughts, those negative feelings that we harbor in our hearts, especially people who are close to us, or people who are impactful in our lives, it can, it can drain our energy to such an extent that it drains our spiritual energy, right? And so yeah, so you know, when we ask ourselves, like, is it worth it to hold on to these negative feelings? Or like to think that this person is trying to hold me? Is it helping me to get closer to Allah? subhanaw taala? Or is it pushing me further away? You

know, and so trying to reconcile our hearts with one another is like, it's so it's beneficial from so many, so many angles, definitely. I like to see it like, if the analogy is like, we have a limited amount of energy by weather, spiritual energy. And then each time we're thinking on that person really makes me mad, we're like, we're pouring a little bit of that energy out. And before you know, it is completely depleted. And you are, you know, you have no more energy to deal with the circumstances that you're faced with. So it really does for you, it frees you emotionally and spiritually Subhan Allah. Absolutely, absolutely. And I remember like, early on in my career, one of

the metaphors that I had heard was, you know, why are you allowing this person to live rent free in your mouth, right? Like, this is expensive real estate. So take care of it, and be cautious of it. And, you know, it truly is like, even when we're thinking about it from like, the, like, the spiritual perspective and like the cycle, like, it's some it's psychology perspective, right? Like, it is expensive real estate, our thoughts impact our, our, our emotions, impact our behaviors impact our hearts in such a profound way, you know, and so, like, sometimes I like to think, okay, you know, if I wasn't giving this energy toward this, like, attributing a negative intention toward this

person, if instead I thought to myself, you know, what, this person just like so many others is doing the best that they can, you know, they're not intentionally trying to hurt me giving my brother 70 Excuses my sister 70 excuses, you know, then what does that free up for me? Right, like that energy now that I've reclaimed it? Where can I direct that energy toward, you know, SubhanAllah. And it makes me think about, like, the Hadith of the Prophet SAW Selim, where he told his companions, you know, should I tell you something that's better in degree that fasting Prayer and Charity. So they said, you know, of course, we want to know what this is. And he says,

reconciliation between people, putting things right in between people. And so if we can do that, just in our minds, to reconcile things between us and another person, like imagine, that has an app that we're getting, and imagine now the energy that we can use, like using that energy towards other more impactful, Hasidic, constructive ways Exactly. Because many times, when we are taking all that energy, it is, you know, we are we are wasting so much time, and we can definitely have a profound impact so in sha Allah, that we can look at it in a way that we are constantly improving ourselves. And one of the ways and and, you know, with reconciliation, I mean, that's why we're in the field

that we're in right because it gives us so much reward so much reward I love the job that we do, because it is it is combining, you know, our faith with our profession, and allowing people to get back you know, restoring their relationship is weighs so heavily on on the scale. So when you do it, I love how you said that we do it mentally because even if you're not reconciling because sometimes you really can't face the other person. You may not be able to resolve the issue but just as long as

If your mind is at peace, then then you're good, you're in a good place. Absolutely 100% You know, and I think that, like, the way that we perceive the intentions of other people, it becomes kind of a self fulfilling prophecy, like, in the same way that, you know, we talked about, like having customers, none of us have data, having good expectations of Allah, that you know, and Allah tells us that, like I am, as my servant expects of me, if he expects good, he will have it and if he expects evil, he will have it right. Because it leads to a self fulfilling prophecy, if you if you expect, good of Allah Subhana Allah, then you strive toward pleasing Him and you love him more, and

you want to do more, you want to get closer to him, and you do. And if you expect evil of Allah's pannacotta, if you attribute bad intentions to others, PandaDoc, you're not gonna want to pray, you're not gonna want to connect with him, right. And that's the same with people in our lives, too. If we expect that this person is trying to do evil toward me, is trying to hurt me, then that's naturally going to completely divide that relationship loosely. And you see this in marriages all the time when they just really demonize their spouse. And you know, I'm just waiting to meet the spouse. And when I see them, I'm like, Wow, they're so different than they were depicted. And it's

just because it is this is the picture that they have painted about their son, they don't see anything else they don't see beyond that picture. And you know, what I, what I really focus on his that, you know, the reticular activating system in our brain, we can set it, either this filter, right, and we can either set it on what's good about a person or what's bad about a person, or what's good about our life, what is bad about our life, and sometimes people have it set on that pessimism, their serial pessimist, right, and then they just anything that happens, they filter through that. And it makes them always search for negativity. And if we set it on that positive,

like search for something good in a person, it's amazing how creative our brain will come in searching for it. Even it could be someone that could be very challenging, but you can find something to benefit from even if it's what not to do. Right? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think I love what you said about like the filtering, right? Because, you know, it's something that's amazing about the way that our brain works is what you look for, you will find, yes, if you are looking for evidence of some particular thought or assumption you have, you will find that evidence, you assume good, you'll find the good. So it's like, if it's raining outside, you can you can

interpret it as well, now my shoes are gonna get dirty, and it's gonna be harder for me, I have to leave in two minutes early for work, because and you're you're thinking about all the negatives of it. Or you look at that same exact circumstance and you say, you know, well, I'd have done that. Now I don't have to water my lawn, the trees are getting what they need, and all of these different things, right. So it's so much about how we choose to what lens we choose to put on and to wear. Only yes. And if you change that lens, it does everything because our brain, the main objective is to keep our sanity. And this is where a lot of people don't realize that the brain cannot

distinguish between what is real and what is not real. And so even if you say things that are just completely absurd, that have no basis, but you say it and you believe it, your brain is going to prove you're right every time. So it is very critical for us to make sure that these limiting beliefs that we have, whether it's about ourselves, whether our spouse, our children, our own our communities, that we really reevaluate, and we choose what we're thinking because it could definitely harmless harmless on so many different levels. Absolutely, absolutely. And I think that's why, you know, one of the things that's so important is the idea of understanding where the thoughts

came from, right? Like, what, why does that? Why is it such a struggle to attribute positive intent to people in our lives, right? And a lot of times, it's because we're trying to protect ourselves, you know, you said that our brain tries to get us to survive, right? And so our brain protects us from potential risks and potential hurt and potential pain. And so what's the best way to do that is to scan your environment for every possible risk, right? or so we think, although in reality, it actually ends up hurting us more, you know, so so, you know, sometimes I think it's really helpful to think, you know, Have you have you been hurt by someone in the past in a similar circumstance to

this. And so you're reading into the situation, based on a past event, and based on the emotion that's coming up, you know, and so and so asking yourself, well, is the present the same exactly as the past? Or is it different? can I possibly view this from a different perspective? And you know, what else could be happening in this person's life that resulted in them being a little bit short with me when they spoke to me, you know, and attributing that positive intent to them and reminding yourself that this situation isn't the same as that past one? It is it really is freeing when you do that, I see this with couples that when they overreact to a circumstance, and we start kind of

thinking like it does

stick a little bit what happened in your childhood? What does this remind you of, you find that the it's kind of like an iceberg, right, and just the little bit of it is about the present and there's so much underneath. And it comes from their childhood, it comes from, you know, an incident they have. And when they recognize that this is all this anger is not just about your spouse, you know, not taking out the garbage.

It has to do with so many other things, so many unfulfilled dreams and, and recognizing that really relieves you of that of the tension, the tension that it's not just about this person there. There's inner work that needs to be done. Absolutely. And that's one of the questions that I like, I'll ask a client, you know, like, if she has a problem with her mom, for example, you know, and they got into an argument. And I say, if a friend had said the exact same thing that your mom said, would you react the same way? Would it feel the same? And no, typically not because you have all of this baggage and all this history with that person. And so when they say something, so much of the past

comes up, and it's not about the present anymore, right? It's funny that you say this, because I, I do this with like, when it's a mother in law, I have a lot of mother in law

Byculla, that you may not be able to relate to this one. But it's, you know, they'll say my mother in law said this, and the mother in law, I have noticed that they could say anything, and it will be categorized as a negative. And then I say I use that same approach, which what if your mom had said that she's like, I'd be totally cool with it. So you realize it is the filters your interpretation? And that's why our interpretation of what people say what they do is so critical. And why are we choosing this narrative? Why are we choosing this narrative of being a victim? Why are we choosing this narrative of life is so horrible, and everyone is out to get me? Because when we do that, we're

when we're in a state of victimized mentality, it is so disempowering, and you can't get yourself out of it. Absolutely, absolutely. You know, and I think it just, and then to hear what you're saying, right? Isn't it so empowering to realize that so much of that is within our control, right? That we can then make that change? It's not about that other person, it's all about us. And we have the power to change. Like you said, the narrative, you know, something, something that I often ask is, okay, well, what's the story I'm creating in my head? You know, like, here's the facts. This is one story you can create from the facts. Here's another story you can create from the facts. So why

am I choosing the one that makes me sad? Versus choosing the one that makes me happy? It's something I do with my kids often, you know, like, it's, you know, they talk about, you know, Oh, I'm so sad, because, you know, like, I didn't get to cookies, I really want to cookies and like, but you got one. So if you choose to focus on the cookie you didn't get how do you feel sad? If you choose to focus on the Cooking did get? How do you feel happy? So what should you choose to focus on? We all have that power, the power?

It's that choice, right? When you feel like you can actually choose to feel better on a daily basis, because too many people are like, you know, my spouse made me mad, or it's my kids, it's the community, it's the whatever the government, and they just put all the blame on everyone else. They don't realize like, you know, the fact that when you choose how to live with things, then that is completely free. So absolutely, very important. It's important to take the power back, we got to take the power back. Yes, yeah. And that's like, you know, in, in psychology, right, we talk about internal locus of control, an external locus of control, that if everything is external, where

you're saying, these situations have the power to break me, this person has made me this way, right has done this. And now, you know, like you said, my spouse made me so mad, right? And sure, there are things people do that bother us. That's absolutely true. But we can't allow these external factors to dictate our reaction because our reaction is within our control. And that's the internal locus of control. Yes, yes. And it's 10% of what happens to you. 90% is how you react. So we felt the power. And it's really critical to think about it that way. I use an analogy with my clients that you know, what if your friend came and said, I watched this movie, and it makes me so sad, so

depressed, I'm crying, I'm angry. I'm so frustrated. And they tell you that they watched it five times a day, like, what would you tell them? They say, Well, I would tell him to stop watching that movie. I'm like, Yes, exactly. But you're replaying the movie, in your mind, of every hurt situation. Every time you were betrayed, every time you were hurt, every time you were abused, and you're replaying it over and over and over again, for what you know. And it's just when you recognize that and you finally break that CD, and you stop playing that then you're just actually you're in so much more peace at that point. Absolutely. I love that analogy of like the movie that

you will have to continue playing through your your mind. Subhanallah and, and you know, like I think about it also from the idea of, you know, we're promised by Ellis pannacotta that we're going to be tested, right? Like there's no

Oh, there, this is non negotiable, we know we're going to be tested. And so it's not the circumstances. And other times that tells us, you know, law you can live alone our son in law was I heard that he's not going to be a soul will not be burdened beyond what it can bear. And so, you know, when you think about, okay, we know they're going to be circumstances that are beyond our control. But again, like our reaction is what what is within our power otherwise, unless pancetta wouldn't test us? If, you know, if we if we couldn't if we couldn't manage the our reaction? And of course, there are circumstances that are incredibly, incredibly difficult. And that's not to, let's

not to diminish that. Right, but knowing that our reactions are within our control, which is why we're not held accountable for our circumstances, we're only held accountable for our reaction. Yes, yes. And that's powerful. When you think about you know, it is a promise from Allah and Allah says, and, and I feel like many of the many of the circumstances in this one verse is like, we are experiencing all at once, so I must have one I never knew one Nikon Vichy in middle, how have you went to where you went up some middle? Um, well, you will first see what Mr. Art, well, that should have saw a video so that we are tested with loss and fear and death, I mean, so many things and good

glad tidings to the one who is patient. So I was guaranteeing that we're going to be tested. And now, you know, I just made the shift, because I was always about tests, like we are, we are tested, and we have to pass the test. But sometimes that the reflection on a test that creates a lot of anxiety, right, we feel anxious, we feel stressed when we were tested. So I've made the shift, I just recently turning 50 Alhamdulillah. I'm saying you know what, it's a gift. And when you look at it as a gift, when you recognize the incident, even if it's a loss of a loved one, even if it's loss of finances, even if it's you know, your health, and you say this is a gift, because it is

ultimately from Allah, then suddenly, you're just, you can't help but surrender and submit. I love that. And actually, it's so powerful for me, because I was just talking to a friend that my goal this Ramadan, I'm on a submission mission. That's what I'm

that's what I named it. Because, you know, I think that in so many aspects of our lives, especially for those of us who are parents to the idea of submitting and realizing that we're not in control of a lot of circumstances and what our children do, what are, you know, the different people in our lives, you know, we can't control what other people do, we can't control what they think we can't control their perceptions or any of that, right? And you're certain and then the circumstances arise, and you when you submit to them, is then when you can handle it right? And you know, and it's it's an amazing thing to be able to kind of use that as your frame of reference, like what you said,

shifting from this being a test, right to this being a gift like that, that's a lens, right? That's a mindset shift of like, oh, what's on this path that are trying to gift me with what lesson? Am I meant to gain? What one of the things I think is so powerful when we are when difficult circumstances arise is thinking about, like, what quality? am I gaining from this within myself that I wouldn't have had otherwise. And I think that's so powerful is and I asked my clients that sometimes they're going through so much hardship, maybe it's a divorce, we'll take that as an example. So what's, you know, what is it that you're learning? What have you learned through this,

and then there's nothing or what's good about this, or there's nothing good about it, I you know, I'm losing my, the my life partner, it's terrible. But I started telling them I probe and I'm like, just think about it, what did you learn? It's like, I've learned independence, I've learned, you know, and they come up with a list of at least 10 things, because why they ask the right questions, when we ask the right questions, our mind will generate the right answers. And so it is, you know, you suddenly realize, Oh, my God, even though, you know, I went through, you know, a person will say they went through a divorce, or they've had certain hardship, but they gained so much and then

that's when you understand the wisdom, that's when you see that Allah, you know, this was an act of mercy, it was a blessing. And, and if we can just surrender from the beginning, it will be a lot easier. So everyone get on this submission mission.

We're all going to submit and a lot, really is a great way to improve our character because, you know, this is the whole mission of mindful Ramadan is to take our Abaza and to beautify our character, and if we can beautify because a lot of that has to do with how we interact with one another. And so if we assume the best if we are, you know, not painting someone out, we're not demonizing them and we really look for goodness we first and foremost benefit ourselves because we're more at peace. And and then it's that sisterhood, you know, because that is a really important part the sisterhood, the Brotherhood, the collaborating together. It is

And that's what I believe ALLAH had intended for us to, you know, to implement, right not to tear each other down not to think the worst of each other it is to you know, unite and be a stronger force together. Absolutely, absolutely. And you know, when we go in with that intention of you know, every time I choose to think well of this person every time I choose to attribute a positive intent, then until I'm being rewarded for better than fasting charity and and prayer right and so imagine then how many good deeds we could gain this Ramadan by just using like our just shifting our focus upon and I'm always amazed by how much psychology is embedded and we're on and Sunnah. And you know,

just this what you have mentioned is that Allah motivating us to have the positive thoughts you know, when you just simply think I want to feed let's say 100 people, I want to build a school I want to you know, help you you know, help with the orphans, just having that positive intent it's recorded as if you've done it so unless training us to have positive thoughts because it is it's rewarded. So it benefits us it benefits our relationships benefits our spirituality so beautiful discussions is like hola Hayden. I enjoyed it Michelle hola where Yakko same here this was really this was wonderful I love the conversation and it made me miss like realize how much I miss our you

know our chances to to have conversations at times like this was wonderful because I'm delighted really proud of the work that you're doing and may Allah reward you and keep you going strong masala it's I think it's wonderful when we are expanding our you know, the circle the mental health circle mashallah because our community really needs it. Absolutely. Absolutely. And just like a female is prompted to reward you for all your your wonderful work and allow it to be sadaqa jariya for you and your whole family. Just like a Lafayette and it is give my love to everyone. It's so good. You to just love it for inviting me on this and it was so nice talking to you. I have been talking to you

too. Good luck with your submission mission.

Yes, thank you. I appreciate it. All right. So now Malika stop Allah. Thank you everyone for tuning in. And salaam aleikum.