Channel: Nouman Ali Khan
Series: Nouman Ali Khan - The Gulf Tour
Ust. Nouman Ali Khan was asked this question during a live lecture on the 2015 Gulf Tour.
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Salam Alaikum everyone. During the Gulf tour, I received a number of letters. Here's one of them. I am a non Muslim working in Kuwait for a few years and I've been very close to accepting Islam as I was impressed by a very pious Muslim colleague, and wanted to marry him.
So wanted to leave, wanted to learn more about Islam, they might not like is a Pakistani brother. And to know his culture, I got close to another Muslim female colleague who was married to a Pakistani family. I'm studying about Islam and the Quran, where the rights of a wife are so impressive and full of equity. But when I see my female friends life, she is asked to do so much work for her in laws and is forced by her husband to take care of her mother in law. And the mother in law tortures her a lot by creating fights between the couple. Also, the sister in laws are expected, expecting her to work like a maid all the time, her husband is very close, very strict.
And I see a lot of injustice where he threatens her leaving her if she doesn't listen and do what in laws want. If this is Islam, then I'm confused about becoming most Muslim. What's your advice?
This is actually not the first time I've got a question like this one. There are a bunch of people who asked me questions about the rights of women and particularly having to do with in laws. Those are complicated subject, but I want to lay down a couple of basic things for everybody to understand the sister who asked the question, first of all, thank you for your question. Because it's not just you, I think it's countless others that can benefit inshallah Hokkaido. The first thing is that in Islam, every relationship we have comes with a set of rights and responsibilities. So as a man, for instance, I am, I owe certain obligations to my wife, just like she owes me certain obligations. And
I owe certain obligations to my parents, just like they owe me certain I have certain rights that they, you know, that I have over them. Now, the principle is that you cannot allow any one relationships rights to do injustice over anybody else's rights. Now, how do you balance all of these together? Specifically, we're talking about a husband, wife, and in laws.
For me as a son, I owe my parents obedience, I owe them respect, I owe them kindness, I owe them anything they ask, really, unless it's outside of the fold of the summer, they're asking me to disobey a law, I really don't, should not have any qualms in obeying them in every matter. However, my wife owes them respect, owes them, you know, common courtesy, but does not owe them obedience. And me expecting from my wife to serve my parents is actually an injustice on my wife, she holds her own parents service, she has parents of her own. These are not her parents, these are your parents. As a matter of fact, the ties of blood are different from the ties of marriage. And so to expect
from the wife to serve your parents, as a husband, is actually a form of injustice. And this is not something islamically allowed. And it's not something as a matter of fact, it's not even something sanctioned by some. So some people say, Well, you have to obey your husband, no matter what he says. That's not entirely true. Either. We don't obey any human being, with that disclaimer, no matter what they say, I can't even eat all my ob my parents, no matter what they say, if my dad was telling me to take a student loan, with interest in it, I wouldn't take it, I can't, it's disobedience to Allah, I'm not going to do it. If my if and as a matter of fact, sometimes you have to even disobey
your parents, out of respect, if they're being unreasonable, it has to happen sometimes if you're, if you're, you know, your father is asking you to take a loan, even if it's not an interest based loan, or he's trying to ask you to go into a business, which you know, is going to sink, you absolutely don't, you know, guaranteed it's not gonna fly, but he wants you to take all of your life savings and put them into a business, you're not listening to your dad in that situation is not disobedience to your father. That's not how that works. As a matter of fact, our obedience to our parents is within the realm of reason. And of course, the thing that even when we disobey them, you
know, we don't disobey them at all, ever, outside the bounds of respect. And of course, even if things are difficult on us, we should still obey them, even if they're difficult on us. But when they you know, when there's something completely unreasonable, or it's going to put others in difficulty, the example I just gave you, for instance, if I ruin all of my savings, or all of my assets and some business that they want me to get into, that I know won't work, then I won't just be doing something they wanted me to do. I'd be putting my children in difficulty. I'd be putting my wife in difficulty. I'd be putting other people that depend on me in difficulty. I can't do that.
They can do whatever they want with me, but they cannot allow me to do injustice to anybody else. That's just not how it works. Then there are families who
force the husband to have one account, right and the parents are co signers on the account, and the wife gets like, like a $20. Bill every week or something. That's not how it works either. You cannot do that you can't have your wife, you married her, you took her from her father to become her Willie. And you owe her now the same responsibilities her father used to own her. And now to treat her like a second class citizen inside the house, or a maid to your parents or to your your sisters or somebody else. This is all absolutely absurdly ridiculous. And this is one of the things you and I are going to be asked about on Judgement Day. On the other hand, however, it is the other extreme.
So on the one extreme, you have, you know, daughter in laws being turned into maids, which is absolutely absurd and ridiculous, unacceptable Islam. And on the other hand, you have people that are you know, wives, or even husbands that are absolutely spiteful of their in laws, want nothing to do with them, I don't want to see their face, I don't want them coming over, I don't want you to go to your mother's house, I don't want you to talk to her ever. I hate her, I can't stand her etc, etc. And this overly extreme distance from your, your husband's family, you know, this is also an extremely This is a form of injustice to those are his parents, they have rights over him, they
should be able to see their grandkids, they should be able to come over and not worry about having a fight. You know, are you like visibly looking upset at their presence, these are all This is injustice now on your part because out of love of your husband, at the very least, you should be showing courtesy to his family courtesy and respect. That's all, but he cannot impose things on you, this should come from you just this these are things that by the way, just to take the shocker away from all of this. These are attitudes that every Muslim owes every other Muslim Anyway, what does speak of people that have been brought together by family, you know, we're supposed to be the best
we can be towards other family members. Yes, these complications happen in especially joint family type situations, which are certainly complicated situations. And, you know, among other cultures, in DC culture in particular, this is something we emphasize, like everybody living under one roof, and you know, the financing being controlled by parents, and you know, the daughter having to do this and that in order to be a good wife having to put up with all this stuff. This stuff, it doesn't work for a lot of families. And if it doesn't work, you know, the the sisters, I'm not asking you to like, you know, break marriages and things like that, but it certainly warrants a conversation.
Because it's not Islamic. You're not even if you're doing it as a family decision. Don't hide behind the fact that this is what Islam wants. It's not what if someone says what your family wants. This is what you have to come to certain terms. As a family allows origin formula to aluna Yoga at 99 you're going to be asked about all good blessings you enjoyed, and the wife I have the children I have the parents I have, you know, all of these are blessings I enjoy and I better do right by them. So I pray that this you know, helps alleviate at least some of the concern that this has to do with Islam. It really doesn't it has to do with cultural practices and treatment of women in certain
certain ways that really the Koran The Book of Allah does not justify the Sunnah of the prophet Isaiah absolutely does not justify barakallahu li walakum wa salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.